21x07 - Doubling Down

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!" ♪

♪ Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine ♪

Yes, Eric?

Eric,
this isn't working.

Hei-Hei-Heidi, no, please!

Heidi, Heidi,
I would be nothing without you.

Okay?
I'm sorry.

Okay?
Please!

You called me a whore

and pushed me
in front of a car.

Heidi,
I was in a bad mood.

I told you... that's
what happens after I eat.

My blood sugar spikes,

and I get all anxious
and then I crash...

Eric, you can't just
keep being mean to me

and blaming it
on your blood sugar.

But it‐‐
But it's true, Heidi!

It's all my mom's fault.

She feeds me
all this crap,

and my body doesn't know
how to process it.

Mom!

Mom!

Yes, hon?

You [bleep] up my life, Mom!
[Bleep] you!

How could you feed me
like that, you bitch?!

Get outta here!

Eric, if blood sugar
is really the problem,

then you need to change
how you eat, right?

Right. Like, what'd ya...
what'd ya mean?

Eric, every time
I've talked to you

about maybe being a vegan
with me,

you just tell me
vegans are pussies,

but then you try and blame
food and your mom for...

It is the food
and it is my mom, Heidi!

It is!
I wanna be vegan with you!

I need your help to show me how.
Please, Heidi.

I need you right now,
more than ever.

I want to do this.
Please.

You really mean it?

Yes, Heidi!
That's how much I love you.

I'm vegan from now on.

All right, Eric.

We'll see how
this goes, okay?

I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay.
Okay, bye, honey.

♪♪

That dirty whore!

Who does that bitch
think she is?!

Packing my lunch for me?
[Bleep] her, dude!

Pissed off at your girlfriend
again, huh, Eric?

She's not
a girlfriend.

She's a controlling,
manipulative whore!

That's enough,
Cartman.

I am so sick
of hearing you

call Heidi
horrible things!

That's because
you don't understand

how much it sucks
to be in a relationship.

Hey, babe.

Oh, hey, babe.
What's going on?

What are you up to?

Nothing, just telling the guys
how awesome it is to be vegan.

That's great.
You wanna come eat with me?

I can explain
what I packed.

Yeah, sure.
That sounds awesome.

I don't get it.

I just really
don't get it.

How is she still
supporting him?

She loves him,
I guess.

But he clearly
sucks.

She has to know
he sucks.

What the hell
is going on?

Well, it's not
our problem.

It is our problem.

This is affecting us...
our whole school.

There's got to be a reason
she sticks by him.

Oh, Heidi.

Heidi,
you got a sec?

Oh, hey, Kyle.
Hey.

Uh, listen, uh...

I‐I know you and Cartman
have an anniversary coming up,

and I was just wondering,
you know,

how do you think
he's doing?

As a boyfriend?

Well,
what do you mean?

Well, you know, like,
some of us are thinking that,

uh, maybe he's not super
qualified to be with you.

Oh, God.
Not you, too.

Just, like, what are
the things about Cartman

that you find...
remotely redeeming?

Look, don't you think I get it
enough from my girlfriends?

"He sucks, Heidi.
What's wrong with you?

Why can't you admit
he's a loser?

How could anyone
ever go with him?"

I was just
following my heart.

Isn't that what
you're supposed to do?

You don't have
to get defensive.

I just...
Who's being defensive?!

He's great!
We're doing great!

I didn't make
a bad decision.

I don't need you to stand there
and say, "I told you so."

I didn't say,
"I told you"...

You know, you don't know
what Eric's like

when we're alone,
okay?

He's actually
really good to me.

Wow.

Heidi!

Oh, my God.
You're not gonna believe this.

- What?
- You were so right...

when you said there were

vegan options
for everything.

Remember how you told me
about Beyond Meat?

Yeah, the vegan meat
that's made

with all vegetables
and plants.

Well, I tried it,
and you were right.

You can't even
tell the difference

between that
and real meat.

Really?
That's great, babe.

So now I've been trying
all kinds of vegan foods.

You gotta try this.
It's called Beyond KFC.

Oh, wow.
It's all plant‐based.

Soy protein, and just...
Y‐You gotta taste this.

Just try it.

It tastes just like KFC.

I know, right?!
Isn't that crazy?

Like... Like, seriously,

how could you even tell
that this was vegan?

Try the... try the Beyond
Mashed Potatoes and Gravy too.

They say you can even drink
the Beyond Gravy by itself

as like a protein boost.

I don't know about you,
but I could eat this every day.

Yeah, it's really good.

Delicious.

Guys, listen.

I think I know why
Heidi won't admit

Cartman's
a horrible boyfriend.

Dude, are you
still on this?

Yeah!
It's important!

Maybe she's telling
the truth, Kyle.

Maybe Eric really does
love and support her

in ways
that we don't see.

You guys!
You guys!

- Have you seen Heidi?
- No.

Well, uh, we've been trying
some different foods lately,

and, uh, Heidi's put on
some pounds, you guys.

Heidi's
getting fat?

Yeah, Token,
don't start ripping on me

for having a fat girlfriend,
all right?

Just try
and be cool about it.

Hey, babe.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, Heidi.
What's going on?

I‐I'm not feeling
the best again.

I might see if my mom
can come pick me up.

Pick you up?
That could be tough.

I... I know,
but I just feel bloated.

I think there might
have been something bad

in that Beyond Arby's.

Yeah,
well, cool babe.

Maybe you should, uh,

just waddle on down
to the nurse's office.

Can you come with?

Oh, sure.

We have to help
that girl.

Can't you see
what's happening?

Kyle,
it's none of our business.

You're wrong.

In a way...

I think we're all going out
with Cartman right now.

Uh‐huh.

Yeah, I understand that,
f*gg*t.

And you should understand
how my balls are gonna taste

when your country
starts needing money.

I don't give two shits
about a treaty.

You're a Polish midget.

Come in.

Uh‐huh. Hang... Hang on.
I'm gonna call you back.

Yeah, go yourself,
ret*rd.

Mr. President,
we have a problem.

People are
pretty upset.

Oh, don't tell me
people are still mad

about that n*gg*r thing.

It's pronounced "Niger,"
Mr. President.

And it's a country
in Africa.

Ooh, aren't we fancy.

Okay, I don't want
a bunch "Nigers" in Africa

aiding t*rrorists.

Mr. President,

you need to be
a little more careful.

There's
an investigation.

A worker
with ties to Russia

was found
r*ped and ex*cuted.

r*ped and ex*cuted?

Oh, you mean
[bleep] to death?

Oh, yeah, that was me.

Mr. President, people
are starting to question

your oath
to the office!

My oath to the office

was that I would [bleep]
everyone to death, remember?

Ooh, I 'member!

‐Me, too. I 'member!
‐I 'member that.

You guys be quiet.

And you guys
just get out there

and put a positive spin
on this whole thing.

How are we supposed to put
a positive spin on it?

It's getting pretty hard
to keep defending you.

Maybe it's time
we put our foot down.

Oooh.

Hope you brought
some condoms.

Hello.

I know things have been
difficult between us lately.

I know you think
all boys are sort of pigs,

but just know that
a lot of us boys

think girls are amazing
and smart and beautiful.

Not... Not like
hot beautiful,

I mean like
inside beautiful.

I... I'm not saying
you're hot.

You're not...
You're not hot.

I'm not saying
you're ugly.

It doesn't matter.
You're all hot on the inside.

If we could all just see
inside you, it would be hot.

Oh, sh*t.

What do you want,
Kyle?

It's Heidi Turner.

You guys shouldn't
criticize her so much

for going with Cartman.

Why not? Eric Cartman
is a horrible person.

I know!
I‐I know that, okay?

Trust me, I hate Cartman
as much as any of you.

But just, give her some space,
you know?

You can't keep saying,
"We told you so,"

because if you make her
feel dumb,

she just doubles down
and tries to prove to herself

that it wasn't dumb.

Why do you care?
Do you like Heidi?

No!

Oh, my God.
He so likes Heidi.

Obvi.

No, I don't!

Do I?

Hey, Kyle!

Hey, I was thinkin' about
what you said...

how we should all help Heidi
break up with Eric?

You're right.
It's our moral obligation.

Yeah, no, we're not
getting involved in that.

Oh, we're not?

Yeah, no,
yeah, I, uh...

I think we need
to stay out of it.

Oh.
Okay, then.

Cartman, can we talk?

Sure, Kyle.
What's up?

I just... I hope that
maybe you can realize

what you have with Heidi

and... and just try
to be good to her, okay?

Kyle, let me tell you something
about relationships.

There's always two sides.
Okay?

You compromise,
she compromises.

Sometimes you criticize
each other,

but it's all part of trying
to make each other better.

Some day, maybe you'll
have a girlfriend

and you'll understand.

Oh, here she comes.

Boom‐baba, boom‐baba!

Clear the hallway,
everyone!

Heidi's comin' troo!

Wha‐‐ What are you
doing, Eric?

I was just practicing marching
bass drum for my buddy Kyle.

It's his favorite.

Oh, okay.

Um, are we still on
for lunch?

You betcha.
Can't wait.

Okay.
See ya.

Boom‐baba, boom‐baba, boom!

♪♪

Some concern

over the President's competency
again today.

It was during
a Middle East peace conference

when the President referred to
the people of Saudi Arabia

as "a bunch
of dirty sand Nigers."

Though the comments
seem divisive,

Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan

says he's sticking
by his President 100%.

Speaker Ryan,
it's the anniversary

of the President
being elected.

How do you think
he's doing?

Well,
what do you mean?

He's great.
We're doing great.

A lot of people judge him
and just see the negative.

People don't know how great
the President can be

behind closed doors.

They don't get to see
all his good qualities.

Uh‐huh. And is that semen
on your black eye?

Oh! No, I‐I, uh...
I tripped on a doorknob!

That's just...
That's doorknob cum.

You doing okay,
Heidi?

I keep thinking
Eric's going to change.

Heidi...

People like Cartman,

they always make things
someone else's fault.

We all wrongly see ourselves
as the victim sometimes,

but Cartman sees himself
as the victim all the time.

He'll always find someone
to blame for his shortcomings,

and because of that,
he's never gonna change.

Before we started
going out,

I was
in a really bad place.

I felt pushed away
by society.

Then this guy came along

who told me all the things
I wanted to hear,

and I just went
with it.

Does that make me
a bad person?

- ♪♪ Rihanna's "Unfaithful" playing...
- No, Heidi.

Good people make bad decisions
every day.

I've been defending him
for so long.

I don't know how
I'm gonna face people

if I finally give up.

♪♪

♪ Story of my life ♪

♪ Searching for the right ♪

♪ But it keeps avoiding me ♪

♪ Sorrow in my soul ♪

♪ 'Cause it seems that wrong ♪

♪ Really loves my company ♪

♪ I don't wanna
do this anymore ♪

♪ I don't wanna
be the reason why ♪

♪ Every time
I walk out the door ♪

♪ I see him die
a little more inside ♪

♪ I don't wanna
hurt him anymore ♪

♪ I don't wanna
take away his life ♪

♪ I don't wanna
do this anymore ♪

Please, Heidi!

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

Hi...

Hi...

Hi... Hi... Hi...

Hi... Hi... Hi...

What do you want?

Hei‐Hei‐Hei‐Heidi broke up with me,
Token.

So?

I have nothing now, Token.

She was my whole world.

C‐Can I just stay here
with you please?

What?! Why?!
You still have a house!

I know how you feel now,
Token.

To be pissed of
at the world.

To feel completely screwed over
by society.

I totally get it now.

I wanna do what you guys do

and go disrespect the flag
and flip cars over and stuff.

Token, pleeeeease.

I'm sorry for everything!

I really understand now
how you guys feel.

Please, what time
is your family gonna go

disrespect the flag tonight?

I wanna go with.
Get outta here!

- What's going on?
- Nothing, Mom.

Heidi broke up
with meeeee...

Token, he's freezing.
Come on in out of the snow.

Thank youuuuu...

No!

Okay, we're safe to talk.

It's not safe!

Nowhere's safe,
don't you understand?

We're all about to
get k*lled!

Shh! Keep your voices down!
Look at this?

What are
all these numbers?

The latest approval ratings.

I've been researching
our own independent poll.

The president is tanking.

These numbers are so low
that we might just have an out.

Well, don't you guys
see what this means?

I don't know anything,
I'm just a turtle.

It means that the swing voters
are turning against him.

It's those people who matter.

Those are the ones who can
finally turn this thing around!

And then we don't have to
get k*lled!

We can't let the president
know about this.

- Just let him...
- What are you guys talking about?

No, nothing!

‐Nope!
‐Nothing, Mr. President.

Oh, okay...

Just having a little chat
or something?

It's an opinion poll,
Mr. President.

Your numbers are down,

and I wanted to show you
so you could do something!

Oh, you bitch!

I was the one who researched
the poll, Mr. President!

Let me see that...

Huh...
Isn't that interesting.

But it's not a problem.

See, I know something
about societal psychology

that you three turd balls
don't.

Everything's gonna be fine.

So...

You guys about done
with the soup?

Don't you like it,
Eric?

Well, yeah, no,
it's great.

It's just... well,
what time do you guys

usually go out and disrespect
the flag and stuff?

- What?
- Oh, no...

Don't tell me you guys
already disrespected the flag

and flipped over cars today?
Did I miss it?

What the hell
are you talking about?

I told you
not to let him in.

Please, I don't know what to do
with all this anger and hurt!

I'm sorry your girlfriend
broke up with you, Eric,

but maybe
you'll get back together.

No, no, we've broken up before,
but this time is different.

I can tell.
Something's changed with her.

Heidi won't even
answer my phone calls.

Heidi?
Turner?

The Turners' daughter?
Yeah...

I thought she was
with that Kyle Broflovski kid.

What?

I saw them at the
park today holding hands.

- ♪♪ Upbeat, whimsical music plays...
- Kyle.

Kyle?

Kyle!

Kyle, Kyle!

Kyle, Kyle, Kyle!

Kyle!

♪♪

Kyle...

Kyle!

♪♪

♪♪

Kyle...

Yeah. Kyle.

Kyle!

♪♪ Western music plays...

I should have known.

You lying snake!

Cartman, I didn't mean
for things to happen

the way they did.

Did it bother you
that I was happy?

Is that why you took her
from me, Kyle?!

- Cartman, you weren't happy.
- Shut up, Kyle.

All you did was bitch about her
all the time!

You're not gonna talk your way
out of this one!

This is the end, Kyle.

It's you or me!

- Come on, Cartman,
- I You took everything from me!

Stop it.

All you've ever done
is work to ruin my life!

Well, now I'm gonna
finally fight back!

[Bleep] him up, Eric!

Aah!

[Bleep] you, Kyle.

I'm sorry, Cartman.

You just have to accept
that Heidi's moved on.

Guys, I just wanna say
here's to Heidi!

Welcome back
to the land of the living!

To Heidi!

Thanks, guys!
Thanks for taking me out.

This is really fun!
‐No worries!

We're just glad you
finally came to your senses!

Yeah! No kidding!

We seriously thought you might
marry that piece of sh*t!

Well, you know he... he actually
had some good qualities too.

Uhh, yeah, like what?
Racism?

Or the sociopath part?

Yeah, I mean,
no offense, Heidi,

But what the [bleep]
were you thinking?!

Guys, she's admitted
she made a mistake.

You make a mistake
on your homework.

What Heidi did was more like
a momentary loss of all sanity.

It was just
what I believed in.

Don't worry, Heidi,

we're not gonna keep telling you
we told you so!

But we told you so!

The only thing
I wanna know is

How did you bring yourself
to actually kiss him?

Ew!

Can you imagine? Eric
Cartman's breath on your mouth?

‐Ew!
‐Ugh!

Heidi, come here.

I want to kiss you
with my tongue!

‐Ew!
‐

[ ♪♪ Sad music plays ]

♪♪

♪♪

Hi, Eric.

What are you doing here?

I don't know.
I think I...

I just wanna make sure...

you're doing okay.

I want you to know...
I'll always care about you.

That's good to know
'cause, like,

nothing helps more
when you're down

than knowing that your
girlfriend who broke up with you

might care.

I'm sorry
that I've hurt you.

I think maybe I am just stupid
and I don't know what I want,

and it ends up
hurting people.

No...

You need to know something,
Heidi...

None of this
is your fault.

- But I'm the one who...
- No.

Heidi,
none of this is your fault.

There's stuff
I never told you.

It's time...

It's time I did.

Hey. Hey! You all set to go?

I wanted to talk to you
first.

Okay, sure.

Kyle, I've been under
a lot of stress lately,

and... it was all making me
really confused.

Yeah,
that's understandable.

I was being manipulated,
and I didn't even see it.

I never do.
And...

I don't think you saw it either,
Kyle.

What do you mean?

I've come to realize that
it's not my fault,

it's your fault, Kyle.

You made all this happen.

Made me question who I was...
But, Heidi, I thought...

- Shh.
- But it's okay. You can't help it.

It's how you were raised...
what you were taught.

My heritage is Irish,
so I'm prone to being moody.

And you're heritage...
well, you know...

You can be a little sneaky
sometimes

and not even realize it.

I'm sorry, Kyle, but...

everybody's trying to live life
the best they can.

It's hard enough

without your people
always trying to get ahead.

Dude...

did she just call me
a dirty Jew?

- ♪ Happy anniversary to you... ♪
- Cha, cha, cha.

- ♪ Happy anniversary to you... ♪
- Cha, cha, cha.

♪ Happy anniversary,
Mr. President... ♪

♪ Happy anniversary to you ♪

Congratulations,
Mr. President.

Looks like many more years
of the same are to come.

Oh, I don't think so...

I think the next three years
are going to be even better.

♪♪