22x06 - Time to Get Cereal

Episode transcripts of the TV show, "South Park." Aired August 1997 to current.*
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The misadventures of four boys who live in the fictional town of South Park, Colorado.
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22x06 - Time to Get Cereal

Post by bunniefuu »

♪♪

Yeeeah!
You got it, Ned!

That was a nice sh*t!

Thanks.
I thought so, too.

Come on, let's see what we got.

Huh. Looks like you
sh*t the sh*t out of it.

There's nothin' left.

Hey.
Lookie here.

Jesus. You ever seen
animal tracks that big?

No, I have not, Jimbo.

Looks like a bear.
A huge one!

Come on,
the tracks go this way.

♪♪

Look at that.
Looks like bear droppings.

But with a man poop
right next to it.

I'm scared.

♪♪

What the hell are we
dealing with, Ned?

Whatever it is,
it was here recently.

Randy: Hey!

What the hell are you guys
doing on my farm?

We're trackin' a bear, Randy.

A bear?

That didn't sound like no bear.

Where you goin', Ned?

I'm getting
my white ass outta here.

What the?!

Jesus Christ!

Ahghgghghgh!

Helllllllp meeeeee!

♪♪

Neddddddd!

♪♪

All right, we have some dead
cows down at Milner's Ranch.

I want Conners and Tiggs
to check that out.

And the two hikers
are still missing.

Let's have all units keep
their ears to the ground.

All right, ladies, that's it.
Second shift starts now.

As for me,
I'm finally heading home.

Gonna finally get
some R&R, sir?

Yup. Gonna go home and play me
some "Red Dead Redemption 2."

I got a train to rob
in Valentine.

Cop: Detective?!

Got a call from the school.

Another kid's been k*lled.

No, no, not another
school sh**ting.

Can't they handle it
themselves?

Said they need us right away.

God damn it.

Why the hell can't these kids
stop being a pain in my ass?

Children, everyone
just stay back, okay?

The police are coming.

All right, what happened?
What grade was the sh**t in?

Oh, thank God.

Some kindergartners
found the body.

I-I don't think
it was a sh**ting.

Of course
it's a school sh**ting.

It's cut and dry.

Let's just get this over with
so I can go home.

Where's the victim?

Over there.

♪♪

Cop:
What the hell?

Jesus, it's a complete mauling.

Looks like part of him
was eaten.

All right, which one of you
little shitheads did this?

Come on! I don't have time
for these little games.

Which one of you peckers
felt isolated

and lashed out at society?

If I have to stay here
and do an investigation

instead of go home
and rob a train,

there's gonna be
serious hell to pay!

So, what was he doing
alone on the playground?

Staci Nakabe says
he just wanted to run back out

and get his football.

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

And there were bear prints
in the snow?

Stan:
It wasn't a bear.

I saw it.

You saw what?

It was at my house.

There was a... thing.

It att*cked my uncle
and took his friend.

It was like a bear,
but a pig... thing.

Jesus.

It was at my house
and then here at the school!

Everyone says
that kid and I look alike.

What if that thing is after me?

Dude, now you're just
overreacting.

Mr. Mackey:
Attention, please.

Will the following students

report to
the principal's office.

Eric Cartman.
Kenny McCormick.

Thank you, mkay.

Aw, what did I do this time?

You go first, Kenny.

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

I didn't even
do anything wrong!

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Just stop being a baby, Kenny,
and go.

Take a seat boys.
Right there.

You know how shitty it is
to be a cop?

There's real emergencies
every day --

real people
who need real help --

but then, every other minute,
I gotta stop everything

'cause one of you
little wads

decides to go
and sh**t up the school.

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Shut up! Now, which one of you
had a beef with Colin Brooks?

Nobody gives a sh*t
about Colin Brooks.

Oh, yeah? I asked
the kids in this school,

"Who are the biggest loners?

Who's most likely to rage
and be the next school sh**t?"

You know what they said?

The fat, ugly, mean kid and
the detached, loner, poor kid.

Hey, I'm not poor, all right?

Or was it both of you?
Fess up.

I have people
in Horseshoe Overlook

who are depending on me
to get provisions

so we can head back east.

You're playing
"Red Dead Redemption," too?

That's right.

And I'm gonna make
both of you school sh**t pay

for wasting my time.

Keep looking.
There's a lot of people

saying they saw it, Kyle.

It's not just me.

"Evidence of the creature
of South Park."

This is like
a conspiracy website.

It's not a conspiracy,
it's real.

Keep going down.
There's video.

There!
Right there!

That's it.

That's was I saw.

I saw ManBearPig.

ManBearPig?

Don't you remember, dude?
We were warned about this.

That weirdo guy who came
and told us this would happen?

He was right.

You guys!
You guys!

The police are trying to say

me and Kenny k*lled
that douchebag Colin Brooks!

What?

They questioned us for hours.

They said they have enough
to get warrants for our arrest.

But it wasn't you guys.

We know that!
What the hell are we gonna do?!

Who was that ex-president guy?

The one who showed up

and tried to convince everyone
of a ManBearPig?

Mrph rmhmhm rm?

Al Gore.

In my report, you'll see that
Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick

are believed to have
worked together.

I've issued warrants
for their arrests,

and this case is now
in the hands of the DA.

And I am finally going home.

Keep McCormick and Cartman
in separate holding cells,

and don't wait on me
to book 'em.

I'm gonna be playing
"Red Dead Redemption"
for the next 18 hours.

Cop: Detective!

Whattt?!

There's more dead kids.

Out in the woods
by Stark's Pond.

In the woods?

There was a school sh**ting
out in the woods?

Outside of school
is the one place

kids are supposed to be safe.

They're saying
it's really bad, sir.

Need all units.

God damn it.

If these kids don't stop
k*lling each other,

I'm gonna sh**t them all
myself.

♪♪

Hello, uh, we're looking
for a government sort
of guy named Al Gore?

Al Gore...?
Al Gore...?

Sounds familiar.

He said he was
almost president once.

He came to our town
to warn us about something,

and we have to find him.

Oh, yeah.

This looks like Jim Turner.

Mrph rmhmhm?

The state bowling champion
five years in a row.

You can always
catch him practicing

down at Gramercy Lanes.

Focus.

Calm.
Center.

♪♪

Yes!
Die!

Die, you pins!

Oh, we've got a straggler,
do we?

You're gonna die
just like the rest of 'em.

Mr. Gore?

Focus.
Calm.

Al Gore?

♪♪

That's a name I haven't heard
in a long time.

I don't know
if you remember us,

but we're the kids you got to
help try and capture ManBearPig?

Well, uh
you were right.

Ha. You -- You were
totally right.

ManBearPig is real,

and, uh, he's k*lling
lots of people in our town.

Oh.
Sucks for you.

Please, Mr. Gore!
We need your help!

ManBearPig isn't going to stop.

Oh, is it inconvenient now?

I tried to warn you all,
but no one took me cereal.

You all just made fun of me,
didn't you?

Well, now you can just
deal with it yourselves.

Please, just tell us --
How do you stop it?

You stop it all those years ago

when I freaking warned you
and you still had time!

There has to be something
we can still do.

Please, Mr. Gore.
You're the only person

who knows anything about it.

Say you're sorry
for making fun of me.

We didn't...

We didn't realize
there were more than --

Say you're sorry
for making fun of me.

We're sorry
for making fun of you.

That didn't sound
cereal at all.

You can't just go along

with what people are saying,
Susan, okay?

There's no scientific proof,

no real evidence
of a ManBearPig.

Well, there's a lot
of smart people saying
ManBearPig is real.

Yeah, and a lot of smarter
people saying it isn't, okay?

What you need to understand,
Susan,

is that everyone has an agenda.
Okay?

Everyone wants to use
the fear of a ManBearPig

to get what they want.

So they throw around
bad science, bad taxidermy.

People coming
out of the woodwork

are now experts on the subject.

But you have to use
your own brain, sweetheart.

You can't just
let people tell you

that if you don't believe
in ManBearPig,

then you don't care
about the world.

It is real!

You wanna believe it's real,
you go right on ahead, Susan.

No, it's right there!
It's right there behind you!

Okay, ManBearPig is real.

What are we gonna do
about it now, huh?

What are we gonna do

that's gonna make
any difference now, Susan?

What?!
We have to do something!

What can we do that everyone
else will also do, Susan?

Come on, use your brain.

Even if we do
something about it...

...what about the Chinese?

They're just gonna keep
right on -- Ahghhggh!

Boys:
♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow

♪ That should've
been president ♪

Oh, thanks guys!
You shouldn't have!

You told us to.

What did you guys get me?

Oh, wow.
Look!

It's a "You were right
about ManBearPig"

signed picture!

So, um...

now maybe we can all
work together, huh?

Hang on!
It's movie time!

Go, go!
Start it up.

This is the best party ever.

Oh, look, guys.
It's me!

There I am,
campaigning to be president!

That's me with Hillary!

There's more of me
on the campaign trail,

so full of dreams!

Oh, look! It's me when I found
out I lost the election!

Boo!

But then look!

There's me getting
an Academy Award!

Okay, can we stop
ManBearPig now?!

Who said anything
about stopping M.B.P.?

Y-You told us to do all this.

Yeah, to make up
for ripping on me!

You're still not even
gonna help us?!

I've moved on
from this life, okay?!

I have a new life now!

I'm a bowler!

And when I'm not bowling,
I help out my g*ng.

They're my family now!

We're wanted in Blackwater,

and we have to move
our camp soon!

You're playing
Red Dead Redemption 2?

Yeah. It's amazing.

Only thing is,
I have all these stolen items,

and I don't know
how to sell them.

We know how.

Oh, really?

No witnesses to the att*ck
were left alive.

The same bear and pig droppings
were found

along with human excrement.

I don't believe it.

A school sh**ting
at an ice cream shop.

Damn it!
When children leave school,

they're supposed to be
out of harm's way.

Detective!

Sir, we got word
on the two suspects.

They appear to be on the run.

I would be, too,
if I were guilty.

No one has seen them
or their two closest friends.

A Marsh and Broflovski.

So, we got us a g*ng
of sh**t, huh?!

How the hell hard can it be
to find four boys?!

Sir...

Why don't you take
a break, sir?

Ehh.

You've been hittin' it hard.

We'll do all we can
to catch these kids.

Go home,

play some
"Red Dead Redemption."

Huh.

Got to admit,
I'd love to see the sun

rise over Citadel Rock again.

And I got me a gal
who claims she's got

a side mission or two.

Go on home, sir.

We'll take care
of everything here.

♪♪

This is it.

Every piece of information
I ever gathered

on ManBearPig.

Where did ManBearPig come from?

Is it some sort
of genetic mutation?

Oh!
I thought that once, too.

I wanted to find
ManBearPig's origins.

And so I created this --
the Internet.

With that, I was able
to search everywhere

for any bit of data.

And what I learned is
that ManBearPig...

is a demon.

Rmphm?!


This is
"The Temptation of St. Anthony"

by Martin Schongauer.

It depicts several demons --

WolfMonkeyGuy, ChickenFishWoman
and ElephantPorcupineMan,

just to name a few.

All of them demons sent
by the Devil himself.

Oh, my God.

What?

I should play "Red Dead"
on this computer,

with all three screens.

That'd be so bitchin' sweet.

Why did the devil
send ManBearPig?!

Why does the devil do anything?

He's the freakin' devil.
He's a d*ck.

♪♪

It's probably too late.

By now ManBearPig
is so powerful

that the only way
to get rid of him

is to send him back to hell.

We're going to have
to do a demonic ritual.

All I can say is,

you boys better get
to the grocery store,

'cause it's time...
to get cereal.

Harrison Yates,
where have ya been?!

Another school sh**ting,
Maggie.

Down at Baskin-Robbins.

I haven't seen you in days.
I've missed you so much.

Come have some supper with me.

Maggie, I just need to relax
a bit, all right?

Please.

I've been waiting for this
a long time.

Just give me a --

Wait a minute.

The house in Valentine
is built?

Where did I get a sn*per r*fle?

Maggie!

Did you play over my save game?

I just played a little bit.

A little bit, you --
On my save game?!

Why didn't you start your own?!

You're never home anymore!

With all these
school sh**t's!

I need a life, too, ya know!

So I robbed a lumber mill
in Monto's Rest,

upgraded my horse,
and got a sn*per r*fle.

That's my life, Maggie!

I was going for
more honor points!

God damn it!

Why can't we have
a life together?!

I haven't gotten to play
in three days.

You've done all this
stuff without me!

You got deputized?!

Oh, God damn it!
That does it.

Where are ya goin'?!

I'm starting a new life!

I'm creating a new save game.

You can't possibly go
all the way back

to the snow level again!

What choice do I have now?!

bitch.

Abbul abash my-ah.

What Satan has
put forth upon this earth

may it be summoned
and banished forever.

Dude, come on,
what are we doing?

This is stupid.
He was right before.

We call upon
the powers of darkness.

Come on, guys.
We call upon...

All: We call upon
the powers of darkness.

Al Gore was right.

Al Gore was right all along.

All: Al Gore was right
all along.

We should have
listened to Al Gore.

Boys: We should have
all listened to Al Gor--
Wait.

Wait.
Are you videoing us?

It's Instagram live.
Keep going!

We should have taken Al Gore
more cereal.

All right. All right.
That's enough.

You need to stop wasting
our time, dude.

People are dying!

You don't have a clue
what you're doing!

♪♪

You were saying?

Aw, sh*t!

God Damn it!
Nothing!

I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!

Do you all have any idea
what's it's like to start over?!

You walk four hours
through the snow

relearning everything,

all because your bitch wife
went and spent

all your hard earned money
on upgrades you didn't want!

I get one little break
from work --

one little break --
and I didn't even get back

to the first brawl
at the saloon.

You can actually bypass
that fight

if you go hunting with Dutch.

Shut up!

These school sh**t are done,
you hear me?!

I want this case closed
by the end of the night,

one way or another!

Now, let's move out!

Here he comes, boys!

Prepare yourselves!

♪♪

Who hath summoned me
to this realm?!

Dude!
You summoned Satan!

Yeah no doi!
What'dya think we were doing?!

Prince of darkness!
It is I, Al Gore!

I was almost president!

What do you wish of me,
Al Gore?!

A demon from Hell

has been unleashed
upon our world!

We demand to know its nature!

We demand to know
its reason for coming!

There is only one place you can
find the answers you seek!

It is the place
where all knowledge

becomes known!

Your local library.

Ah! You are
correct.

Your local library
is an excellent resource

for whatever you wish to learn.

Yes, it is.

Then I command thee, Satan,

to come with us
to the local library!

And I am cereal!

Dude, Satan's not gonna
go with us to the --

Very well, Al Gore.
Let us go!

♪♪

Satan: Yeah, guys!
Guys, over here!

I think I found it.

What you're dealing with
is a Sifter of Fate.

Mrph rmhmhm?

So there's these demons
that, um, actually come

once every few generations.

They're all about making deals.

Making deals?

Yeah, check it out.

"The Sifter of Fate thrives
on tempting mankind.

It will always offer a deal
in exchange for mercy,

but the carnage will
be a thousand times worse

when the debt comes due."

Okay, so wait.

Now you're saying
that someone in our town

made a deal with that thing?

Now it's here to claim
it's part of the bargain.

It's sort of like
when you're part of a g*ng

feuding with a rival g*ng,
you know.

You ride around on your horse

thinking it won't all
catch up with you,

but it always does.

You're playing
"Red Dead Redemption," too?

So good, right?

Yates:
Attention, school sh**t!

We have you surrounded!

Come out with your hands up!

Oh, Jesus.
You gotta tell them, Mr. Gore!

Tell them it wasn't us!

No. They don't
listen to me, kids.

It's up to you
young people now.

You have to find a way to
get people to take this cereal.

You must convince people
there's a ManBearPig,

which Satan told you is
a Fate Sifter demon

that made a deal
with someone in this town!

That's gonna be impossible.

Yeah, sounds really hard,
doesn't it?

People might not believe you

and, like, make fun
of you and stuff.

Poor you guys, huh?

♪♪

Cop: They are
coming out!

Hands where we can see em!

Everyone, listen!
ManBearPig is real.

It's a demon that thrives
on making deals

to exploit mankind's
weaknesses.

I am super-duper cereal.

We all have to work together,
you guys. This one time.

We have to all put
our pride aside

and be willing to say,
maybe we were wrong.

All right, lock these
little up!

No! You can't!

That's it, gentlemen!
Case closed.

Now I've got a God damn
stagecoach to rob

in Scarlett Meadows!

Well done, sir!

No! Noooo!

Please! Somebody made
a deal with ManBearPig!

We have to find out who!

Billy...

what have I done?

What are we gonna do

that's gonna make
any difference now, Susan?

What?!
We have to do something!

What can we do that everyone
else will also do, Susan?

Come on, use your brain.

Even if we do
something about it...

...what about the Chinese?

They're just gonna keep
right on -- Ahghhggh!
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