23x04 - Let Them Eat Goo

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

RANDY: ♪ Goin' down to Tegridy Farms,
gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Goin' down to Tegridy Farms,
gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ There's ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪

♪ I'm headin' on down to Tegridy Farms ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

TOWELIE: I got some weed, and...

I don't know what's going on.

RANDY: ♪ So come on down
to Tegridy Farms ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

♪♪

Good morning, everyone... good morning.

So listen, guys,
we are not in good shape.

The whole doing-business-in-China thing

has sort of bitten us in the ass.

And now we aren't selling enough
weed to keep up with our costs.

You see this? This right here?

That's us plateauing.

We no longer get any of
that sweet Chinese money

and now, all the money we do make

doesn't even cover our expenses.

So, how do we sell more weed? Stan?

[SCOFFS] I don't know.

Do, like a sale? Like a fall sale?

Not good enough! Shelley?

I hate marijuana.

Nice attitude.
How do we sell more weed? Sharon?

If you don't make commercials
or do more parades for the town

- we'd have more money.
- Right, cut out all our marketing.

That's Sharon's great idea,
everyone. Towelie?

You know what the problem is,
it's the schwag.

All those stands and seeds,
they just go to waste, man.

Go on.

It's like... we sell all
the good parts of the weed

but we throw away, like, tons and tons

of all the left over sh*t.

You can sell that crap as
mulch to a hardware company.

Mulch.

Use our discarded
product to recover costs.

Everyone, great job.

You just got pwned by a towel.

♪ It's Sloppy Joe Day! ♪

BOTH: ♪ It's Sloppy Joe Day! ♪

I seriously think that Sloppy Joe Day
is my favorite day at school.

Yeah, it's the best.

BOTH: ♪ Sloppy Joe Day,
it's sloppy Joe day! ♪

Come on, keep the line moving, kids!

What is this?

That's today's lunch.

- It's feesh. [FISH]
- Feesh?

But, but this is Sloppy Joe Day.

Yeah, well, the menu's been changed.

We had kids complainin'
our food wasn't healthy

or sustainable enough so don't
you start bitchin' about it now.

What kids were complaining about
health and sustainability?!

What kids would care at
all that... [GASPS]

- The girls!
- The girls?

The f*cking girls.

Excuse me!

Can someone explain to us why
this is on our lunch trays?

Yeah, it's supposed
to be Sloppy Joe Day!

We asked for healthier options

and to sometimes have
food for those of us

who don't eat red meat.

Oh, my God. I'm about to lose my mind...

You think you can just mess
with a man's lunch...

- It's okay Eric...
- You think that your ideas

about health and nutrition
should be somehow

- interfering with mine...
- Eric, Eric...

You dictate what foods I can eat...

- Urk!
- [TRAY CLATTERS]

[GASPING, GRUNTING]

- Eric? Eric?
- I can't. I can't.

- Butters, I can't...
- [WHUMP]

[FOOD SPLATTERS]

- [SIREN WAILS]
- [MONITOR BEEPING]

[SHOCKERS CHARGE]

Clear.

[THUMP]

We got him back.

f*ck you, Wendy.

♪♪

How much you think
we'll get for our mulch?

Even if we only get ten cents a pound,

we have, like, a million pounds of it.

This is gonna save our business.

I'm really hungry all of a sudden,

you want some Burger King?

Yeah, I'll take some onion rings.

♪♪

Welcome to Burger King,
can I take your order?

Uh, hi, can I get, um,
large onion rings...

The big Coke Zero and, um...

What's an Impossible burger?

It's a plant-based burger, sir.

Plant based?

You mean, like, it's not, like, a cow?

No sir, it's completely vegan,

but it's engineered to replicate
the taste and texture of beef.

Huh. Okay I'll try it.

[CASH REGISTER BEEPS]

♪♪

Hey, this tastes like sh*t.

You guys make money off of this?

They're very popular, sir.

A lot of people care about the
environment and sustainability.

Ah, that, that's amazing.

I mean, this seriously
tastes like dog sh*t.

And you get people to buy it?

Wait a minute...

Plant based...

Plant.

Based...

Plant based. Oh, my God.

[BELL RINGS]

Comin', through! Make way!

Hey guys, how's it going?

You're out of the hospital?

Yes. The girls tried to k*ll me,
but they didn't succeed.

However we cannot let
the girls' protests

ruin our lunch ever again.

NICHOLE: Oh, gimme a break!

It's not just girls who
want to change the menu,

it's boys too!

Yeah! I want vegan food!

A lot of students are protesting!

Well their protesting
is ruining my lunch!

We have a right to free speech!

Yes, we do all have freedom of speech,

but at times there are
ramifications for the negative

that can happen,
when you're not thinking

about others and you're
only thinking for yourself!

Woah, woah, woah-what's going on, kids!

The protestors are trying to
k*ll Eric again Mr. Mackey!

M'kay, kids, we don't want
another incident here, m'kay?

When you try to change people's lunch,

they don't realize it harms
people financially, physically,

emotionally, and spiritually. [GRUNTS]

Eric, it's okay.

We aren't going to change
the school menu, m'kay?

Everything's fine.

That's not fair!

Doesn't it matter we're being silenced?!

[GASPS] My lunch!

Girls, I'm sorry. But the health
of our students has to come first.

♪♪

Gerald, thanks for coming.

You're not going to believe this.

- Believe what? Your text said that...
- Come on! Come on! Come on!

I think I've perfected it, Gerald.

I've made a sustainable,
healthy alternative to meat.

I want you to to try it.

It's a hamburger?

It's a Tegridy burger.

Go ahead. Try it.

Well?

[MUFFLED, MOUTHFUL] It tastes like sh*t.

Yeah, it's plant based.
But keep eating it though.

I just... I just don't
think it's very good.

Randy wait for it.

Wait for it.

Oh.

- Oh-ho!
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

- Huh?
- Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, right?

It's really f*cking good, man.

This is like the best
burger I've ever had!

And you can eat a lot of
'em and not feel bloated.

Towelie's had, like, !

Best burgers I ever had.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Mmm.

Mmm. Oh, my God.

School cafeteria ribs.

After all that yogurt and crap
they gave me at the hospital.

Mmm!

♪ I love Barbecue Rib Day ♪

♪ Yeah, I think maybe I like Rib Day ♪

♪ Even more than Sloppy Joe Day ♪

♪ It's a difficult choice ♪

WENDY: Everyone? Everyone,
can I have your attention, please?

Look, guys. We're supposed to
be the young generation, right?

We're the ones upset about
the world our parents left us.

Yeah, but eating this kind of food

makes us all just as guilty.

The millions and millions of
cows and pigs and chickens

that we harvest every year are a
huge reason for climate change.

It is up to us as students
to protest for change.

Young voices matter!

Without sustainable and
ethical food choices now,

- we're proving to be no...
- [YELLS]

Can I please just enjoy my lunch
for five god damn minutes.

You gotta calm down, Eric,
Remember your condition...

We all have freedom of speech

but stop talking about climate
change during lunchtime!

Okay, let's sit down.

Some of us are trying to
just enjoy some simple

God damn barbecue ribs and I...

[GRUNTING, GROANING]

Oh, God they did it
to me again, Butters.

- Eric!
- I think this is the big one.

- Don't let me die.
- Somebody, help!

Don't let me,
d-don't let me die, butters!

- [GROANING]
- [SIREN WAILS]

- Clear.
- [THUMP]

We got him back.

f*ck you Wendy.

So that's one Whopper,
one order of chicken strings,

and a medium beverage...

RANDY: Burgers! Get your burgers here!

Okay that'll be fif...

Plant-based burgers for sale!

Excuse me one moment.

Get your hamburgers here!

Plant-based burgers for sale!

Hey! What are you doing?

I'm sellin' hamburgers!
All natural, completely plant based.

Thank you sir.

You can't sell hamburgers here,

this is a Burger King!

You sell hamburgers here.

Yeah, you sell hamburgers here.

This is seriously as good or better

than a real hamburger.

Can I get a couple more to take to work?

Hey now look, buddy!

I'm not gonna lose
customers because of you!

We have plant-based
burgers inside as well!

Come try our Impossible burger!

Tegridy burger! Made locally
right here in South Park!

Tegridy burger.

Stop that!

Alright, everyone, listen up.

As you know, there are several students

protesting the school menu.

But there are other
students who are voicing

their concerns against changes.

Eric Cartman is still
recovering in the hospital,

we all wish him well. [CLEARS THROAT]

Now the school has been
looking into several options

to deal with problem.

And I do believe we
have found a compromise.

We have found a new company
in the plant-based

fast food industry who would like to be

the supplier for our cafeteria.

And so please welcome the
founder of Incredible Meat.

[CLAPS]

Hello, children.

I want to thank you and I want to thank

your fine principal, for hearing me out.

I take plants and I
process them into goo.

I am a goo man.

I have factories all over the country.

I have trucks right now loaded with goo

that can be here within the week.

The goo I speak of can
be made into anything.

It can be made into tacos.

It can be made into hot dogs.

And I promise you that
none of your students

will know the difference.

I would very much like to be

the plant-based meat
vendor for your school.

I would like to be

the plant-based meat
vendor for your town.

I'm a simple family
man and a vegetarian.

I would like the opportunity
to make you all vegetarians as well.

And I thank you.

RANDY: Eating meat doesn't just
hurt animals, it hurts people.

It takes pounds of grain to produce

just pound of animal meat.

All that plant food could be used

much more efficiently if
people just ate it directly.

Meat is also not
environmentally friendly.

Meat production is wasteful and causes

enormous amounts of pollution,

and the meat industry is
one of the biggest...

Huh?

Oh, I was just saying
that adopting a vegan diet

is way more effective than
switching to a "greener" car

in the fight against climate change.

For your health, for our planet,

for the animals, and for each other.

We have to switch to plant-based foods.

Now, i-it just so happens...

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

You gotta be kidding me!

RANDY: It's our grand opening!

Come and visit your town's only
plant-based burger joint!

It's not the town's only
plant-based burger joint!

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

Celebrate our grand opening...
Tegridy Burger.

♪ Jeeba, jeeba ♪

♪ Jeeba-jeeba ♪

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

- Here he comes!
- [TALKING STOPS]

♪ It's Taco Tuesday ♪

♪ It's T-Taco... ♪

[STUDENTS MURMUR]

Mr. Mackey.

Oh, h-hello, Eric.

What's going on, Butters?
♪ It's Taco Tuesday ♪

[WEAKLY] ♪ It's Taco Tuesday ♪

These tacos look different.
What kind are they?

They're... Incredible Beef Tacos.

Oh, Incredible Beef Tacos.
That sounds nice.

Hmm? [SNIFFS]

[TACO CRUNCHES]

[TACO CRUNCHES]

Did you guys see that new "Joker" movie?

Oh, thank God. It worked.

[BELL DINGS]

Welcome City Wok.
I take a order, please.

Are you the owner of this restaurant?

Yes. I take a order, please.

I'd like to do business with you.

Your establishment here is perfect

for my plant-based meats.

You see, I am a goo man.

If you carry my product,
Incredible Meats,

we can put the word "incredible"
before all of your dishes.

You mean, instead of City Chicken,

I could have Incredible City Chicken?

That is correct.

You mean instead of City Mongorian Beef,

I can have Incredibly
City Mongorian Beef?

- That's right.
- You're saying now

I can have scallops with
Incredibly City XO Sauce?!

Okay! Sign me up!

That is most excellent!

Now, how many customers
on average do you have per day?

Including my wife?

Uh, zero to one per day.

That's it.

Yeah, I got no customers now
that a Tegridy Burger opened up.

Everyone want plant-based food now.

That's why I'm ready you sign me up.

What is Tegridy Burger?

Yeah, here you look. Down the block.

Most popular place in town.

Is that so?!

Hey!

Hey, what about my
Incredibly City Chicken?

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Whatchu doin', you sum bitch?

Excuse me?

I'm the biggest cattle
rancher in South Park.

I made my livin' odd years
before you fancy plant growers

done showed up and put me outta job!

Well I'm sorry, Mr. Cow k*ller...

but this is called "evolution."

I got cows that the
world has suddenly decided

they got no use fer!

What am I supposed to do with
'em... Put em in a zoo?

What they gonna do now,
go start a cow circus?

Go make some cow TV show?

You are single handedly
making cows extinct, you!

You gotta plan for 'em all?! Fine!

Come on! [WHISTLES]

[COWS MOO]

FARMER: Come on! Yah! Come on!

Mr. Plant-Based Burgers here
is gonna take care of you now!

Yeah, don't worry.
He cares about the environment.

So he can figure out
what to do with you.

[CHUCKLING] Hey.

f*ck you.

No, f*ck you, sum bitch!

They're your problem now.

[BURGER WRAPPER CRINKLES]

[GROANING]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[GROANING RESUMES]

Teacher?

- Mm! Mnm-mnm.
- [GROANING CONTINUES]

[BELL RINGS]

Lunchtime!

Walk don't run, mm-kay.

CARTMAN: Hey, Butters! Wait up, dude.

You know what today is, right?

♪ It's Salisbury Steak Day ♪

♪ Salisbury Steak Day, it's Salis... ♪

[WEAKLY] ♪ Salisbury Steak Day ♪

Butters, is something going on?

Your lunch dances aren't the same.

Eric, I... I just hate lying to you.

I mean you've been in
the hospital... twice.

I feel guilty.

Guilty? About what?

It's our lunches, Eric. It's...

Incredible Meat.

Yes, I think it's pretty good.

No, Eric! See, there was this guy.

He's a goo man.

The f*ck is a goo man?!

[COWS MOOING]

Go on, shoo!

Hey! God damn it!

[COWS MOOING]

I don't know what we're gonna do.

These cows are eating all our weed,

and they're sh1tting everywhere!

They're gonna put us
completely out of business.

Can't you find anyone else to take 'em?

Nobody wants cows anymore!

They're bad for climate change.

- We gotta k*ll 'em.
- What?!

They're ruining our burger business!

We gotta k*ll all these cows!

How are we gonna do that?

Look, it's not gonna be easy.

It's not something
anyone wants to do but...

we're just gonna have to get
really, really high.

[SONG PLAYING]

[BURGERS SIZZLE]

♪♪

[COWS MOO]

♪♪

[COW MOOS]

[COW MOOS]

[COWS MOOING]

♪♪

RANDY: Yeah!

♪♪

Yee-haw!

[COW MOOS]

♪♪

I've been in your town
a little while now.

What I see is a community
that is ready for change.

You see, I am a goo man.

What I serve in your school cafeteria

is a synthetically-modulated
plant protein.

I have taken over nearly all

the fast food restaurants here in town

and teamed up with the fine
people in your community.

This my new regional manager, H. W.

- It's Rick.
- Shut up, H. W.

You see, I'm trying to reach
all the school cafeterias,

all the stadiums, fast food restaurants,

all the places that serve shitty food

and serve shitty goo.

The goo for these kind of
places is made in a factory.

It's made in a lab.

It's just down-market goo.

[FARTING]

But I can tell people it's
healthy and earth friendly,

and I can send my goo
through a network of pipes

running all the way to the ocean.

So, that it can be eaten by people

who eat crappy food anyway
from coast to coast.

And that's what we have
for school lunch now?

That's what all the kids
decided while I wasn't there?

But you see, It doesn't work

unless I own all the crappy food places.

Mr. Rancher?

Y-Yes sir. Mr. Goo Man?

Have you done what I've asked you to do?

It's all done, sir.
You'll have everything you need.

Well if you don't mind boys,
I have work to tend to.

Me too. I need to have a word
with the students at my school.

Oh, God, Eric! What are you gonna do?!

It has become the most
popular burger in Colorado.

The plant-based Tegridy Burger

is changing the way
people think about food.

All over the state,
people are turning vegan

and eating more ethical
sustainable meat.

[TIRES SCREECH, ENGINE REVS]

[TIRES SCREECH, ENGINE REVS]

I'm standing now with Randy Marsh,

the owner of Tegridy Burger,

and, Mr. Marsh,
you must be pretty excited.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Yeah, you know, we're all just...

We're all just bein'
healthy and ethical over here!

Uh-huh, and, Mr. Marsh,

what about the student
protests coming out against

- your burgerright now?!
- Huh?

Students are coming forward,

saying that Tegridy Farms is
unethical and hypocritical.

That's right! Tegridy Burger is a fraud!

We caught their farm on camera.
Just take a look!

We warn you,
the following footage is graphic.

[COWS MOOING]

[CROWD GROANS]

[RANDY LAUGHING]

[COW MOOS]

[CROWD BOOS]

Mr. Marsh, what do you have
to say about these images?

Oh, hey.

f*ck you!

Oh, they were...

They were just...

We didn't eat 'em!

[CROWD BOOING]

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Hey, guys,
looks like I almost missed lunch.

Oh, God. Someone's gonna die.

I found out about what we're
eating here at the school.

I found out what it's made of and where!

N-Now, Eric, stay calm, mm-kay!
We're sorry.

We were just trying
to find a compromise!

Now just be calm.

What are you sorry about?

It's me who owes all
you guys an apology.

I thought you guys were all trying

to force me to eat healthy, but...

I've learned that a lot of this stuff
is made in a factory

and processed with tons of salt
just like all my favorite foods!

SpaghettiOs, Rice-A-Roni...

Here I was thinking what you wanted

was stuff from a farmers market.

I just didn't want my food to change.

School cafeteria meat
is just processed crap

that comes in a box, and this is...

just processed crap that comes in a box.

I don't have a problem with it.

All I wanted was to be able to eat
the same garbage I always have,

and this is definitely garbage.

And hey, if it happens to be
more ethical and sustainable,

well, I guess I'm fine with that, too.

So, you see, guys?

There was actually no reason to protest!

We were actually all on
the same page all the time!

At least we learned
that freedom of speech

truly doesn't matter!

Come on, let's eat!

♪ It's Processed
Meat-Like Substance Day ♪

♪ It's Processed
Meat-Like Substance Day ♪