23x05 - Tegridy Farms Halloween Special

[bunniefuu]

♪ Goin' down to Tegridy
Farms, gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks
without temptation ♪

The Tegridy Farms
Halloween Special!

♪ There's ample parking
day or night ♪

♪ People spouting,
"Howdy, Neighbor" ♪

♪ I'm headin' on down
to Tegridy Farms ♪

♪ Gonna see if
I can't unwind ♪

T he Tegridy farms Halloween
Special, brought to you by...

Tegridy Weed.

It's the most
wonderful time of the year,

Well?
You all excited, g*ng?

For Halloween?
I guess so.

This isn't just
any Halloween,

because this week, Tegridy Weed
is doing a Halloween Special.

It's a big
promotional thing.

Everyone's gonna
love it.

Hey, where's Shelly?

Shelly hasn't come out
of her room in two days.

Why?

You know why, Randy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, Shelly.
Can I talk to you for a minute?

What do you want?

Come on, kiddo.

Come talk with
your old man, huh?

Come on, punk.

Shelly, we need to talk about
your marijuana problem.

You know, what's your
problem with it?

I hate marijuana.

Yes, we all know!
But why?

It stinks, and it makes
everyone in this town

dumber than
they already are.

Shelly, the truth is,
some of the most important

people in the world
smoke weed.

Did you know that Snoop Dogg
smokes weed?

Yes. Everyone knows Snoop Dogg
is a stupid pot head.

Way more people enjoy marijuana
than you think, okay?

Okay, who's your idol?

Who do you most look up to
in the whole world?

Serena Williams.

Total stoner.

High as a kite
every tennis match.

No she's NOT!
RANDY

You don't know that,
Shelly.

Now you're just
making assumptions.

Everyone in this country
is getting dumber,

and I wish marijuana
was illegal again!

Shelly!

Okay, look,
the thing is,

this problem you're having
with marijuana ‐

it's just got to stop, okay.

We're working on our Tegridy
Farms Halloween Special, okay?

Nobody wants a giant bummer
ruining it.

I love you.

Whoa. Very impressive.

Indeed.

Find anything good,
Butters?

One minute, dad.
Archaeologist Butters just needs

to get his stamp and sticker
for his artifact book.

Ha ha!
Another rare find.

Well, did you all enjoy
the museum, g*ng?

Wait. Wait.
We can't leave yet.

I got all the stickers
and stamps except for one.

Well, I'm pretty sure
we saw the whole exhibit.

Can I just check around
one more time?

Alright,
Archaeologist Butters.

But then meet us back
right here.

Okay!

What you are seeing here
are original knots

which were joining the main
pieces of the kufu boat.

The cedar timbers
of the boat's hull

were lashed together
with hemp rope

in a technique used
until the‐

Whoa. Whoa.
Wait just one second.

Are you actually saying
that hemp,

a classification
of cannabis,

was actually used by
the ancient Egyptians?

Well, yes.
In fact, it's been found

that cannabis was used
by Egyptians

for its medical
properties, as well.

Hold the
freaking phone.

You're telling us that
marijuana has been used

throughout
the centuries...

Is this why
you brought me here?

No, I... I'm just‐
I'm surprised that...

You said you wanted a special
day with just your daughter.

You said a father‐daughter day
at the museum

could help
us connect.

And it is, Shelly.
We're having a great time.

I don't care if Egyptians
used stupid pot!

She has a
marijuana problem.

Shelly!

Been there.
Saw that.

Where's that stupid
last sticker‐stamp?

What's this?

Whoa.

Sarcophagus and mummified
remains of Egyptian royalty.

This is it!
My last sticker!

That's the mummy
of Took‐Tan‐ra.

You don't want to put that stamp
in your sticka book.

Nobody puts that stamp
in their sticka book.

But this is
my last one.

It's got a curse on it...

ancient love curse
not fit for any child.

You can look at the mummy
all you like,

but you don't want that stamp
in ya sticka book.

That's okay.

I'm no ordinary child.

I am
Archaeologist Butters.

Happy Halloween,
mister!

Yeah, for some
of us, maybe.

It's just so hard being a parent
sometimes, you know?

I've tried everything
to get through to my daughter.

I took her to
a laser show.

I played her all of
"Dark Side of the Moon."

But it's like... It's like
there's something in her head

that just doesn't
get it.

That's rough, Randy.
I'm sorry.

I just ‐ I have to live my life,
you know?

I can't let her problems with
marijuana drag me down anymore.

No, you're right.
You're totally right.

So, anyway, hey, how's the
Halloween Special coming along?

The Halloween Special?
Oh, it's ready.

It's ready?

Yeah.
It's right over here.

Oh, wow!
The Halloween Special!

I'm so excited
to try it!

Yeah, it's basically
a hybrid

of our Tegridy Gold
and Colorado Kush.

Turned out really great,
I think.

Oh, wow.
That is nice.

I'd like to see anyone compete
with this Halloween Special.

Mom?

Dad?

What?

Oh.

Okay. Oh.

Okay.

That's okay.
Yeah, that's okay.

There you go.

For‐ For me?

Oh. Thank you.

Oh, wow!
A Fitbit!

Well, thank you.
Thank you.

I... I actually
already have a Fitbit,

but I could give this one
to a friend!

I just...
I have one, so...

Furniture polish, paint thinner,
and bleach.

Ammonia and antifreeze,
one tablespoon each.

I hate everybody.

I just like to read.

Everyone's stupid.
They smoke too much weed.

So, with this eldrich potion,
and these ancient words,

I make my revenge
upon all the turds.

Butters Scotch?

Yes, sir.

We want to ask you
some questions

about what happened
in town last night.

What happened in town?

People were att*cked by
an ancient Egyptian mummy.

It k*lled five people, and
destroyed everything it could.

Oh. A mummy, huh?

That's... That's weird.

Oh, you just think
that's weird?

Because The mummy says
you two got in some kind

of altercation
last night.

What?
The mummy talked to you?

Is it true, sir,
that you and the mummy...

"got into an argument
over a gift

which you didn't seem
to appreciate"?

There was no argument.

I just said I already had it,
and I'd give it to a friend.

A present that the mummy
got for you?

- I just...
- You can see

how that could
be pretty hurtful?

Did you throw the mummy
out of your house?

No! I didn't throw the mummy
out of the house!

The mummy got all pissed off
at me, and left!

You're gonna have to share
in the damages, here, son.

But I didn't do
anything wrong!

Okay look, officers.
I think...

I'm under some kind
of curse.

Well, that's what the mummy
told us about you.

You've got a summons
to appear in court.

Until then, I just suggest
you and the mummy

stay away
from each other.

Oh, man.
I really like it.

Yeah. It's smooth.

It's really smooth.

This is so good that we should
stop smoking it right now.

We don't want to ruin our
Halloween experience, you know?

This is seriously gonna be
the best Halloween ever.

Shelly!

That's what I think
of your stupid special!

No!
No!!

Alright, everyone,
listen up.

Halloween has almost arrived,
and I want to make sure that

we are all aware
of certain guidelines

when it comes to
Halloween costumes at school.

Now, I don't want to see
any **** sombreros!

Alright? If I see any ****
Mexican sombreros,

or anyone **** dressed
like a **** Native American,

I'm gonna lose
my **** sh*t.

There will be no
HOBOS or BUMS ‐

anything depicting people
from low‐income households.

Oh, no Halloween
for you, Kenny.

And lastly,
heed my **** words...

..if I see any of you girls
dressed as **** Moana,

I am gonna lose
my **** mind.

Alright, now, the student book
fair is coming up next week.

We encourage
all students to...

And that's
all that happened.

I put that stamp
in the sticker book,

and now this mummy is destroying
everything around me.

I need help.
‐M'kay.

A‐And do you feel like
maybe the mummy's trying to,

you know, get you to react?

Well, what do you mean?
‐Well, you know, Butters,

the mummy just feels like you
get to do whatever you want

but it doesn't get to do
whatever it wants.

Wait, the mummy talked
to you, too?!

Yeah, yeah, we had a good talk.
Yeah.

Why is it talking to everyone?!

I think the mummy's very insightful
and cares about you a lot...

No, it doesn't!
This is crazy!

Look, the mummy's just sad

because you get to go to school
and have fun

and what does the mummy
get to do?

You know, it just sits around
being a mummy, you know.

That's not fair.
‐First of all,

I don't have fun at school!
And secondly,

the mummy can do
whatever it wants. I don't care!

Right, but you do care, Butters,
because you're sitting here

in my office talking about all the
bad things the mummy does, m'kay?

Randy! Quick!
You gotta come see!

I just need some time,
okay Towelie?

But you don't understand!
The special!

Well, it's a miracle!

Come on!
You're not gonna believe it!

Alright, Towelie,
what is this... Whoa!

"Creepshow" music plays.

The Halloween special...

Whatever your daughter
threw on this sh*t

made it more powerful
than ever.

Yeah! We're back!
Yeah!

Yeah! Ye...

I have to end this curse,
fellas.

It's getting worse
everyday.

Last night,
the mummy att*cked my parents!

And then it said I was being
narcissistic!

It has no reason.
No logic.

One minute it's destroying
everything

and the next it's sending me
selfies like nothing happened!

Look!
The whole thing is so crazy,

It's starting to make me think
I'm crazy!

Well, it is a little crazy how
much you talk about the mummy.

It's a freaking mummy!
Wouldn't you talk about it?!

We're just saying, Butters, that
sometimes it all seems

a little co‐dependent.
Yeah, like you and the mummy

just need to do
your own thing sometimes.

I would love that,
but I don't have a choice!

I swear you guys,
mummies can smell fun!

Whenever I'm somewhere and I
actually start having a good time,

I get a call or a text
from the mummy

sayin',
"Hey, what are ya doin'?"

Like it knows.

Well, you're kinda having fun
now, aren't you?

Yeah, it is fun
to get away

and just talk
to you guys about it.

Ah, gosh darn it.
Hang on a second, fellas.

Ok, that should be enough Halloween
Special for the first few people.

Now, I think we should put
the open bar in this area

and the hot tub
maybe right here.

Yeah,
that'll work well.

Dad, you have to drive me
to the book fair.

W‐What?

Mom said you have to drive me

because she's taking Stan
trick or treating.

You're going to a book fair.
‐Yes.

‐On **** Halloween?!
‐Yes!

I don't even know how
to deal with you anymore.

You're doing this
on purpose, aren't you?

You're my dad.
Drive me to the book fair!

I will not!
I have things to get ready!

And nobody cares about books
on Halloween, Shelley!

The last thing
people in this town need

is more marijuana!

Oh, my God!

It's a nightmare.
It's a personal hell.

I've done everything I can as a
father

to help her
with her problem,

but she just ignores
everything I say!

I can't do this.

You're such
a piece of sh*t, Dad!

Shelley, I love you!

And what does her mother
have to say about this?

Her mother doesn't say
anything anymore!

Whenever I bring up our
daughter's marijuana problem,

my wife says,
"I'm gonna lose my mind

if you bring this up again."
It's destroying all of us!

I just think maybe a night in jail
is the wake‐up call that she needs.

I'm barely gonna have fun
at the Halloween Special now.

It's gonna be really hard
for me to rage

knowing you're in here, Shelley.
It's gonna be really hard

for me to rage.

Alright, here you go.

When you have a problem
with dr*gs and alcohol,

you hurt everyone around you.
Happy Halloween.

What are you in for?

I'm in here
because apparently

I'm a passive‐aggressive,
controlling,

and manipulative psychopath
who's narcissistic behavior

drives other people crazy.

♪ Turn this mutha out ♪

♪ Oaktown posse they will ♪

♪ Turn this mutha out ♪

Hey, trick or treat. We're here
for the Halloween Special?

Alright,
here you go guys!

That's a promotional gift
from Tegridy Farms!

Hey, come on in guys.
There's candy and a hot tub!

Alright!

Samplers of the special are
there on the table guys.

Feel free to light up!

Wow! We're
almost out, Randy.

I gotta go to the barn
and get some more!

Okay, I'll hold down
the fort!

♪ Turn this mutha out ♪

♪ Jimmy cr*ck corn
and I don't care ♪

♪ Jimmy cr*ck... ♪

W‐What?

So I said, 'Okay! Fine!
You don't ever do

anything wrong.
It's all me.

You've got no problems.
Only I have problems!

Alright, I'll lock
my own ass up.

Then we'll see
who's got issues.

Will you shut up!

I'll be in here and something
will go horribly wrong tonight

and then the monster will
have to accept what it is

and finally work
on changing, right?

Probably not.

Nah, you see,
fluvial geomorphology

deals with the ways rivers
change over time.

It's geology sh*t.

It's why I got out of it,
really.

Hey, man,
what's in this weed?

Oh! That's a company secret,
my friend!

No I mean, I...

I don't feel so...

Hey, you alright there,
buddy?

Whoa!
Dude, you see that?

Towelie, there's something wrong
with the special!

There's something
in the barn!

The thing you k*lled,
it wants revenge!

Oh, Jesus, what's happened?!

It's dead 'cause‐a you,
and now it wants your soul!

What?!
What's dead 'cause‐a me?!

Oh, hello there.
Would you like to die?

Winnie the Pooh!
Winnie the Pooh!

Detective Harris! Something's
going down at the Marsh farm!

Calm down, sir! I can't understand you.
Put him on speaker.

There's monsters everywhere!

It's some kind of curse!

Unspeakable evil!

The mummy! I told you!

All different kinds
of monsters!

Zombies and plant people
and bears!

Oh, my God! What's that?!

Oh, God,
it's Harvey Weinstein!

He's got me! You gotta...

Oh, he's inside me!

Harvey Weinstein is inside me!

You gotta send help!
People are dying everywhere!

No! Harvey, I said no!

Please somebody...

This is it, everyone.
Let's move!

All hands on deck! We gotta
take these monsters down!

Bring the kid
who manipulates the mummy

with his passive aggressive
selfishness!

Alright, men!
Let's take these monsters out!

No, just hold on a second.

I'll take care of this!

Oh, God, it's the cows we k*lled!

Oh, I'm really going to enjoy
eating your brains.

Get em off a me! Get em off a me!

Oh, my God,
get him off of me!

Get em off me!

Help! Someone help us!

‐Someone help us!
‐Get him off of me!

Ahh! We gotta fight 'em, Towelie!
Help! Someone help us!

I wanna live! We're going to live!
We're going to live!

You monsters,
go back to Hell!

- There's too many of them!
- There's too many of them!

Oh, what is...
what is that?!

No! No!

Alright! That's it everyone!
Nothing to see here.

Just some people
who are really, really high.

- Awwwww...
- I can't sh**t anyone?

You were so convinced
the mummy was to blame

for everything,
weren't you?

So convinced you
made us all believe it, too.

I'm... I'm sorry?

Yeah, well it's not us you
really need to be sorry to.

Let's see if you even have

a shred of decency
to apologize

when something
is clearly your fault.

I'm so sorry.
You're right.

I can be selfish
and narcissistic.

I‐I'm gonna work
on myself and...

try to make
this curse work somehow.

It says, "I hope you can get
the help you need.

I can't fix you."

Hey, guess
I slept in late, huh?

What time is it?

It's 8:15 a. m.

November 3rd.

Oof, wow.

That was some strong‐ass
Halloween Special, y'all.

I mean I saw rapists in the hot
tub, zombie cows...

I thought I was gonna die,
and then...

this fat, bitchy angel came
and put me to bed.

Did everyone enjoy
the Halloween Special?

No, Randy, only you did.

Oh...
Well, that was pretty much

my target audience, anyway.

Hey, at least I didn't
really have butt sex

with Harvey Weinstein, huh?

Huh?

Or did I?

Whoo!
Happy Halloween, everybody!