23x07 - Board Girls

Episode transcripts of the TV show, "South Park." Aired August 1997 to current.*
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The misadventures of four boys who live in the fictional town of South Park, Colorado.
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23x07 - Board Girls

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♪♪

♪ PC Babies!

♪ They're comin' to your town!

NARRATOR: The PC Babies!

♪ The wokest kids around!

♪ When there's something
problematic ♪

♪ They're sure to
let you know! ♪

♪ Making things fun
and gender neutral ♪

♪ Everywhere they go

♪ They're everybody's
fave-sies ♪

♪ They're PC Babies, yeah!

And now back to
"PC Babies!"

[ Cries, giggles ]

[ Grunting ]

Yeah! Who's strong?

I'm strong.

Who's a strong woman?

I'm a strong woman!

You are gonna smoke
the competition!

I'm gonna smoke
the competition!

[ PC Babies crying ]

Oh no.
It's the babies.

[ All crying ]

Kids! Kids, okay!
What's the matter?

Oh, no. I left Disney+ on,
and it went to "Mulan."

PC PRINCIPAL:
They don't like Mulan?

No, because Mulan is a female
that identifies as male

and yet the movie
doesn't take the time

to address real
trans issues.

Okay! Okay! We know --
"Mulan" is outdated

in creating straw dog characters
to talk about trans issues.

Daddy's turning it off.
[ Remote clicks ]

But just how many advocates
has yet to be seen...

[ PC Babies giggle, coo ]

PC PRINCIPAL: Alright.
Everyone, listen up.

As you know,
this school is a place

where everyone should
feel included.

Our challenge is to motivate
ourselves and others

to create an inviting,
non-bigoted and --

Hey, Stotch, you got
a [bleep] problem?

No, sir!

Now, I think that
what we all need

are leaders
who motivate by example.

And so I would like
to inform you all

that your vice principal
is competing

in the Strong Woman Competition
in Morrison this weekend!

Let's hear it for her.

[ Applause ]

Well, thank you,
PC Principal.

Um, listen, guys,
I just hope I can make you proud

and, more importantly,
I hope you can see

that no matter who you are,
you can do anything.

{\an1}We've really come a long way

breaking down
gender binary bigotry,

and I hope I can
especially inspire

{\an1}some of my girl students here.

Or those who
identify as girls.

Yes, or those
who identify as girls.

Get out there and get involved
in school sports and clubs.

If there's
something you love,

don't ever let anything
hold you back.

The first bugbear lashes out
at Stan with its broadsword!

And it hits with a 17!

How much damage
is that?

Four plus two slashing.

Okay!
I jump up to the bugbear!

{\an1}And I yell, "For Waterdeep"!
And I kick it in the balls!

I don't think
bugbears have balls.

Then how do they make
baby bugbears?

Oh, hi, boys!

We got some new students

who want to be
part of the gaming club.

You know Tammy
and Nichole?

Um...

[ Chuckles ]
Uh... no.

This is a school club, boys.
All clubs are inclusive.

Have fun, girls.

Hey, guys.

[ Whispering ]
What the [bleep] do we do?

Um, guys, we play lots
of games here at Dice Studz,

but today,
we're playing "D&D."

You don't just show up
and start playing.

You have to generate
characters and --

Yeah, we created
some this morning.

I'm a Human Paladin,

and Nichole is
a Tiefling Warlock.

[ Whispering ]
Do something, Eric.

[ Chuckles ]
Uh, guys, um...

they're fighting a bunch
of bugbears right now

that are led by
a 12th-level Druid.

Okay, I cast Vampiric Touch
on the Druid.

Crit.

{\an8}ANNOUNCER: A beautiful day
in Morrison, Colorado,

{\an8}as we get ready
for the 6th Annual

{\an8}Strong Woman Competition!

A two-day-long competition
of tests built to push athletes

to their very limits.

Joining me now is
the current champion

of the Strong Woman Competition,
Strong Woman.

Ms. Woman,
do you feel ready?

Oh, yeah.
I'm ready, David.

There are just so many
amazing women athletes

out here today.

It makes me so proud.

Now, this is
the first year

that a trans woman
is in the competition.

How do you feel about that?
Amazing.

I feel honored to be
a part of history.

I have a lot of incredible
trans friends who are athletes,

and so we're all inspired
this woman's competing.

Uh-huh, and uh...

have you actually ever met
Heather Swanson?

Uh, no, I've never competed
against her before. No.

She's not exactly
your average trans athlete.

Well, what is
an average trans athlete?

Honestly, I find that
kind of bigoted, David.

Okay, Heather Swanson
is actually joining us now.

Ms. Swanson, how does it feel
to be competing today?

I can't tell you
how free I feel

now that I've started
identifying as a woman.

Now that I can
compete as female,

I'm ready to smash
the other girls!

And is it correct you just
starting identifying as female

two weeks ago.

I'm not here to talk
about my transition.

I'm here to kick
some [bleep] ass.

Let me tell you something,
Dingleberry --
David Perry.

I'm gonna roll up
the other women here,

and I'm gonna
smoke 'em.

I am the strongest woman
this state has ever seen!

Any words for the challenger,
Ms. Woman?

Uh, good luck,
Heather.

[ Chuckles ]
Luck is for dudes.

Well, with that,
let's get right to the action.

♪♪

♪ Rising to the top,
push it to the edge ♪

♪ Give it all you got,
barely break a sweat ♪

♪ Strong Woman!

♪ Strong Woman

♪ Yeah, she's got speed,
she's got the moves ♪

♪ She's got the muscle
and a whole lot to prove ♪

♪ Strong Woman!

♪ Strong Woman!
[ Women grunting ]

Arghhhhhh-yeah!

♪ Hey, you

♪ Go strong woman, go

♪ Hey, you

♪ Your time is now,
whatcha gonna do? ♪

♪ Pedal to the metal,
find another gear ♪

♪ She takes what she wants,
nothing left to fear ♪

♪ Strong Woman!

♪ Strong Woman

♪ Now, hey girl,
you're the best in the world ♪

♪ And, hey, hon

♪ Don't look now,
but you just won ♪

HEATHER: Hell yeah! I won!
♪ Strong Woman

♪ Strong woman, strong woman
I'm a strong woman!

♪ Strong woman, strong woman
Look at it! Its mine!

♪ Strong woman
I'm the best!

♪ Strong woman
I'm the strongest!

So...

second place --
that's pretty damn good.

Yeah.

I guess she...

just started
identifying as a woman

a few weeks ago.

Doesn't really
s-seem fair.

Just don't.
You'll upset the PC Babies.

CARTMAN: It is unfair!

It is tyrannous,
and it is wrong.

Ever since these girls
were allowed to join

Dice Studz Gamers Club,
it has been a train wreck.

Every single game we play,

they, like,
figure out all the rules

and they use the rules
to, like, make us look stupid.

IN "D&D,"
they k*lled the dungeon master!

We didn't think
it was even possible

to k*ll
the dungeon master.

Shut up, Butters.
It's not possible.

It's just that, we play
board games for the theme.

We want to be
pirates or Vikings.

You know what the girls
think about?

They think about red cubes
versus blue cubes

and how much of this equals
that many victory points.

They're just doing math!

{\an1}So, they're smarter than you

and b*ating you
at all the board games.

Yes.

No!
No!

It's just different.

Look, we started Dice Studz
[voice breaking] with a dream.

A dream that that we could
actually do something

interesting at school
just for like 60 minutes.

"Nothing we can do," he said.
"Hands are tied," he said.

We're gonna have to deal with
this ourselves, you guys.

I think Nichole and Tammy
are cool to play with.

Well, you won't
think they're cool

when the rest of us
leave Dice Studz,

and you're left to play
only solo board games.

You mean like "Nemo's w*r"?
"Nemo's w*r" is sweet.

Look, maybe we just gotta
play harder stuff,

you know, stuff the girls
can't keep up with.

Hey,
that's not a bad idea!

We been takin' it easy
on the girls.

Time to show 'em what
real board gamers play!

What do real
board gamers play?

Well, if you want
something hard,

then you need a really crunchy
Euro game, something like

a Vital Lacerda's "Escape Plan,"
or a Uwe Rosenburg euro.

Do they involve math?

Well, all euros are
pretty mathy.

Nope, no good.

We need something with
lots of, like, w*r

{\an1}and dice and thematic sh*t.

So, then you want
a w*r miniatures game,

something skirmish-style, like
"Legion" or "Blood & Plunder."

Dude, you're really
into board games.

Alright. That's it, guys!

Dice Studz gamers club
is about to go

tabletop miniatures.

[ Babies coo ]

Emory, stop playing
with your food.

[ Doorbell rings ]

I'll get it.

Hey, what's goin' on?
Is your girlfriend home?

Oh, she's sort of busy
right now, Ms. Swanson.

Just want to tell her
no hard feelings

about me winning
the Strong Woman Competition.

Yeah, you already told her that
at the competition.

You got a problem
with me?

'Cause it's starting
to seem like

you have
a problem with me.

What's going on --
Oh, hi, Heather.

I was just stopping by
to make sure

you're not
too b*at up.

Oh, that's
really cool.

I'm sorry, but I have all
the kids right now,

and they're-
Oh, where are
the little kiddos?!

I'd love to meet them.

Oh! Hey, kids!
There's a lot of you.

Your mom must be a strong woman
to take care of all of you.

Of course, I have
the Strong Woman trophy, though.

[ Chuckles ]
Just kidding right?

Look, why don't you just
get out of here.

Oooh, sounds like someone here
is a transphobe.

Don't you dare.

I'm trans peoples'
biggest supporter.

What I think you are is
a terrible sport!

Transphobe!
You better knock it off!

Just don't -- you're gonna
upset the PC Babies.

And if you dare call me
a transphobe again,

I'm gonna --
You're gonna what?

b*at me up?

You gonna b*at me up,
transphobe?

Yeah,
I didn't think so.

See you later kids.

Come on over and see
ol' Auntie Heather

If you wanna see what
a real strong woman is like.

Are you feeling
what I'm feeling?

What do you mean?

I don't know
what it is but...

something about that woman
just doesn't seem right.

♪♪

And now back to
"PC Babies!"

Hey, guys.
Hope it's cool we brought Kelly.

She wants to be
in the club, too.

Oh, yes!
That's very cool, girls!

We're just setting up
today's game.

It's a pirate miniatures game
called "Blood & Plunder."

Yeah, we saw it on the schedule.
We love "Blood & Plunder."

Are we gonna play, like,
a four-on-four skirmish

with two
different factions?

Whoa.
You painted your miniatures?

Yeah who wants unpainted
miniatures, right?

Where'd you learn
to do that?

{\an1}We watch YouTube tutorials.
You can find a bunch on BGG.

I love BGG!

Oh, cool.
Do you watch Game Night?

Excuse me!

We are going to play the
six-hour long, very thematic

"Nemesis."

Oh, cool, we just watched
the tutorial for that

on "Dice Tower."

NARRATOR: And now back
to "Women in Sports"

with Janet Spears.

Our next guest has been
really lighting it up

in women's competitions.

Since she's identified as female
two weeks ago,

she's won every female sport
she's entered.

Please welcome
Heather Swanson.

Well, thank you, Janet.

It's a great pleasure
to be here.

I know that I am an inspiration
to all women

and trans athletes
everywhere.

Yes.
We are all truly inspired.

Now, there are
some women out there

who just want
to run and hide.

I'm talkin' to you,
Strong Woman.

You still dare to
call yourself that?

Your name is a joke,

because ol'
Heather Swanson here

will b*at you anywhere,
anytime, at anything.

Hey...

Don't let her get
to you, Strong.

She's not getting to me.

You know,
I don't know why

she has such a grudge
against you but --

Because I know her!

What do you mean?

It's Blade Jaggart.

He --
She is my ex boyfriend.

Wha...

Back when we were together,
he was such an assh*le.

When I finally
broke up with him,

he said, one day,
he was going to get me back.

And now he's got us both
by the balls.

But then she doesn't really care
about trans people

or women?

He hates wom--
She hates women.

When I left him, he felt like
he got b*at by a girl,

and nothing makes Blade Jaggart
more crazy

than getting
b*at by a girl.

I didn't even know people
like that existed.

CARTMAN: It is unfair.

It is tyrannous,
and it is wrong!

Dice Studz is
a board game group

{\an1}that brings thrills and laughter
to dozens of boys at our school.

But that laughter is
being turned into screams

as girls constantly inv*de
with their unfairness.

The girls found Eric
on the first round

of "Fury of Dracula"!

Yes, inclusion is wonderful,
but we have to admit

that boys and girls
are simply different

in some ways that can sometimes
make competitions unfair.

Have you ever seen how girls
do their homework?

They do it that night.

Meticulously
going over every detail

and often finishing before
they absolutely have to.

This is how girls are with
board game rule books.

Before we even start playing,

they've already strategized
a way to win,

leaving others...
in the dust.

And now I'd like for you
to hear from my friend Scott,

who has diabetes.

"My name is Scott Malkinson,
and I have diabetes."

[ Whispers ]
Terminal diabetes.

"I have terminal diabetes.

Board games are the only thing
that give me relief

from the physical
and mental anguish

I experience every day."

Wow, Scott,
I didn't know it was that bad.

Neither did I.

"Dice Studz is my only
sh*t at happiness.

Please don't let outdated
school policies destroy it."

Wow.
Thank you, Scott.

Diabetes everyone.

We hope that our presentation
has helped to change your minds

about school clubs
in our country.


If not, we will be back
every... single... day.

Please, let Dice Studz
be for studs.

Women's MMA fighting
is growing in popularity

and no other female fighter is
as expl*sive as Heather Swanson.

Yeah!

Heather, your story
is an inspiration

to sports fans
everywhere.

Congratulations on
your shocking success.

I just hope I can motivate
little girls out there.

Motivate them
to understand

that I will b*at them
at any sport they try.

Motivate them to run away

like that chicken sh*t
Strong Woman did because I --

PC PRINCIPAL: Alright. Alright.
That's enough.

You, uh...
You made your point, Heather.

We get it, okay?
Oh, hey, Transphobe.

This is a nice surprise.

Oh, God.
What is he doing?

Look, everyone I know
we're all a little...

afraid to have any opinions
on this stuff,

but there can be situations
where it's...

not so east to...

What I mean is...
[Stammers]

I didn't count
on being the best

since identifying
as a woman.

Yeah, no sh*t, 'cause you went
through puberty as a male,

so your body is
completely different.

And that's exactly what
a transphobe would say!

I told you not to
call me a transphobe.

All I want is
to have a discussion.

Transphobe.

[ Screams, sobs ]

Oh, sh*t.

[ Sighs ]

Isn't this nice, you guys?

Clean fresh air,
soothing sounds...

just us boys and
"Star Trek: Ascendancy."

Hey, fellas!

Come quick!
You gotta see!

See what?

Well, it's the girls!

They started
their own board game club

at the school!

CARTMAN: "Board Girls"?

How lame is that.

The [bleep] is this?
Wow!

{\an1}Well, this is just like what you
said Dice Studz would be, Eric!

Oh, hey, guys.
Welcome to Board Girls.

Wanna have a look around?

So, over here,
we have our co-op games.

I think they're doing
"Sub Terra" right now.

And there, we do our deck
and engine builders.

Have you tried "Inuit"?
It's really cool.

We have miniatures painting
over there,

and most of our miniatures
gaming happens in that area.

Hey those girls are playing
"Crisis Protocol"?!

That's not even out yet!

Yeah, we get advanced
copies of games

because our club reviews them
for our gaming channel.

MR. MACKEY: Hey, boys!
You need to get out, mkay!

No boys in the girls'
school clubs.

Come on, let's go.
STAN: What?! Who says?

New school policy,
came down from the top.

Now get your asses
outta there.

Well, who made up
that stupid rule?

Yeah, who made up
that stupid rule?

[ Sadly ] We now return
to "PC Babies."

{\an9}♪♪

{\an9}♪♪

Are you just...
not gonna come home?

How am I gonna look my kids
in the eyes, Strong?

Since they were born,
we've taught them to accept

and fight for those
who are marginalized,

that there's no grey area
when it comes

to inclusion
and acceptance.

When I go back,
all they are going to see

is a big fat hypocrite.

And now I just used a word
to shame people

with weight issues.

{\an9}♪♪

"P"...
you can't just shut down

because you're afraid of how
the babies are going to react.

But they're right, Strong.
I shoved a trans person.

No matter what,
I have no right to judge her.

Do you think --

Could you try to explain it
to the babies?

You know how they are.
They're babies.

Their minds are made up
before anyone says anything.

Then I've really got only
one thing I can do.

I have to try
and make things right

with Heather Swanson.

Uh, hey, students.

As you know,

we've had some issues
here at the school

that we are working very hard
to correct.

So, today we are...

honored to have
a motivational speaker.

She is the current
Strong Woman Champion

and also the champion
in Women's MMA fighting

and in
Women's Wrestling.

Please welcome
the inspiring Heather Swanson.

[ Up-b*at music plays ]

Yeeaah!

[Bleep] yeah!

{\an9}♪♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪

Hello, boys and girls.

I'm here to talk to you
because, apparently,

your school leaders
have failed you.

I'm gonna tell you
something, kids.

There's only one thing that
matters in this world,

and that's being the best.

Your Vice Principal teaches
you girls to be strong,

but she comes in second.

You got anything to say
about that, PC Principal?

No, Ms. Swanson.

"No, Ms. Swanson."

You see, people don't
look up to losers.

They look up to champions.

And every time
I b*at another woman,

I feel better.

Dude, I really
like this person.

{\an1}And that's why I'm the best!

Because Heather Swanson
doesn't get b*at.

I work to be the best
at everything!

And Heather Swanson will
b*at any other woman

any time, anywhere!

Bet you can't b*at Nichole
at "Blood Rage."

What?!

Wh-What did you say,
transphobe?

Yeah, but I bet you can't
b*at Tammy at "w*r of the Ring."

You don't disrespect a champion,
little girls!

You think Heather Swanson
doesn't know board games?!

I was playing board games
before your mom

even crapped you
out of her vag*na.

Okay. So, then,
let's do it, bitch.

Oh, it's on.

{\an9}♪♪

♪ Tabletop bloodbath,
nothing left to say ♪

♪ Your moment is here,
time to make 'em pay ♪

♪ Strong Woman!
♪ Strong Woman

♪ Strong!

♪ Woman!

♪ Smoke the competition,
show 'em what you got ♪

♪ All your painted miniatures
are really paying off ♪

♪ Strong Woman!
♪ Strong Woman

♪ Strong!

♪ Woman!

♪ Hey, wow

{\an1}♪ Who's the Strong Woman now?

♪ And hey, you

♪ Thought you were the best,
but you're about to lose ♪

♪ To the Board Girls,
they got the moves ♪

♪ They pummeled you
at "Alchemists" ♪

♪ And kicked your ass
in "Carcosonne" ♪

♪ Board Girls,
they know all the rules ♪

♪ They watch Rodney Smith,
Tom Vasel, and Becca Scott ♪

♪ Hey, cool

{\an1}♪ They made you look a fool

♪ And hey, sweet

♪ Take a step down,
you just got b*at ♪

♪ By the Board Girls

[ All cheering ]
♪ Strong!

{\an1}♪ Strong Woman, Strong Woman!
HEATHER: You think that's fair?!

You only won because
you dumb girls

memorize the rule books!

When I play games, I just wanna
be a pirate or a spaceman.

That's right!
You and your stupid rules!

I may identify as a woman now,
but I grew up a boy

and so you have
an unfair advantage over me!

Yeah, an unfair advantage,
you stupid girls!

Come on, Ms. Swanson.
We can go make our own club!

[ Cheering resumes ]

You sure
you're ready for this?

I just want to
get it over with.

-Mommy!
-Momma!

-Mommy!
-Yay, Mommy!

Yes, kids.
And look who else is here.

-Daddy!
-Daddy!

-Yeah, Daddy!
-Dada!

Dada.
I wove you.

I --
I don't understand.

They don't care.

They must see the nuance

to this whole situation.
You're right!

They realize that raising
a gender-based issue of strength

doesn't necessarily make one
a bigot or a bully.

All this time,
we were worried

what the PC Babies
would think.

And we didn't realize

that our little babies
are growing up.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪
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