23x09 - Basic Cable

[bunniefuu]

Dad...

Dad, I love you.

I love you so much, Dad.

What is it, Scott?

90, Mom.

Okay. Great.

Dad.

I love you.

What?

I love you so much, Dad.

Please,
can we get Disney+?

God damn it.
Not this sh*t again!

No. We don't need Disney f*ckin'+, Scott!

We've got cable,
and that's enough.

All this talk about Disney+ and CBS Max...

...and sh*t on a f*ckin' extreme prime.

Where's it gonna end?!

Straight to f*ckin' hell,
that's where.

I'm going to work.

sh*t!

assh*le.

Mkay, kids.
If we can all be quiet, please.

Today is a very special day...

...because we have a new student
who has just moved to town...

...and will be starting
her scholastic adventures...

...here in South Park.

I know you are all going to be very kind...

...and make her feel at home.

Pfffft. Yeah.

Please say hi to Sophie Gray.

Hey, guys.

Um... well,
I moved here from Arizona.

I really like soccer,

and I love "Mandalorian".

And, um...

I guess one thing about about me...

...that might be kind of different is that...

I have diabetes.

Say what?!

I have a thing called diabetes.

It's a condition that...

...affects the way my
body processes sugar.

I have to check my blood sugar
once in a while,

and sometimes I have...

...part of who I am.

Oh! And I also have a pony.

Holy sh*t, you guys!
What am I gonna do?!

About what?
About Sophie Gray!

She's my boo!
I love her!

What am I supposed to say to her?

Scott, you can't be with Sophie Gray.

She has diabetes.

I know!
That's why she's perfect!

No, Scott,
If you and Sophie have a baby,

it'll have super diabetes.

I'm not sure,
but I'm pretty sure...

...that causes a crater on the Earth.

That girl is pretty fly.

As soon as she said
she watches "Mandalorian",

it gave me a little boner.

If you wanna be with the new girl,

you're gonna have some stiff competition.

Get it? S-Stiff...

...c-c-c-c...

...competition.

But she has diabetes!

You guys always rip on me
for having diabetes!

You guys always rip on
me for having diabetes.

I'm Scott Malkinson.

Oh, no!
Not this time!

You assholes aren't ruining
Scott Malkinson's life again!

I'm taking control,
you understand?

I'm taking control,
you understand.

I'm Scott Malkinson.
I have diabetes.

Hey, Clark.
Clark, you there?

This is Clark. Go ahead.

Yeah, hey. I think we actually have a job.

The Stotches need their
cable box looked at.

Alright. I'm on it!

Now, listen, Clark.

Part of why we're losing customers...

...is because people say our service is slow.

Don't worry.
I'll be there as fast as I can!

Welcome to McDonald's.
Can I take your order?

Number 3 Value Meal.
No pickle.

Oh. Well, finally.

The cable company gave us a window...

...of noon to 5:00 for you to show up.

It's 5:15.

Only 15 minutes late.

This is why we should quit cable...

...and just go to streaming services.

Oh! You want quantity over quality?!

Streaming services
are destroying our town!

People don't watch and bond
over the same shows anymore.

Everyone watches something different.

'Cause you got assholes in Hollywood...

...making little niche
programs for everybody.

That's what you want?!

Yeah, I think I do.

Uh, hi.
You're the new girl, right?

Just wanted to say,
you know...

...welcome to the school.

Oh, thanks!
That's really nice of you.

I was wondering if,
maybe sometime,

well, I could show you around,
if you need it.

Wow! That'd be great.

A couple of the other guys offered, too.

Yeah.

A lot of the guys here are posers, though.

You gotta be careful.
That's funny.

Another one of the guys said that.

He was the tall kid
that kind of dresses like you?

Oh, yeah.
He's a total poser.

God damn it.

f*ckin' assholes.

Yeah, and so my dad actually
still lives in Scottsdale.

Scottsdale.
I love it there.

Hey, Sophie.
How's it going?

Aah!
Watch it, dork.

I have something really
important to tell you, Sophie.

It can't wait.

Oh, okay.
I'll see you around, huh?

Yeah.
Sure thing.

So, um...

You have diabetes,
right?

Yeah.

I...

...have diabetes.

Oh.

So...

...what do you wanna do now?

So...

What's your favorite food
that you can't eat?

Mine's waffles.

Um... I haven't really thought about it.

Oh...

Do you watch
"Mandalorian" on Disney+?

Oh, uh, yeah.
Of course.

I love "Mandalorian"! Right?

It's the best Star Wars thing since "Empire".

Makes all the new movies look like dog sh*t.

Yeah.
Like stupid dog sh*t.

Hey!
You're the new girl, right?

She's busy!!

Hey, are you gonna
watch the new episode on Friday?

We could watch it together if you want.

Oh, my God.
I would love that.

Okay. I'll come over right
when it starts streaming!

Oh!

Well...

The thing is...
I mean...

Timmy!

She's busy,

and she's watching "Mandalorian"
at my house!

Timmy...

Look at that.
Look!

240 channels...

...of anything we want to watch.

No accounts.
No f*ckin' passwords.

Just pure, simple,
basic cable.

Ma! Dad!
Guess what!

Not now, Scott.

Your mom and I are enjoying
watching whatever we want...

...and not signing up for anything.

But, Dad, there's this new girl at school,

and she has diabetes!

Oh!
That's wonderful, Scott!

Yeah,
and guess what?

She wants to come over to our house!

So, we have to get Disney+!

Aw!
Not this sh*t again!

The answer is no!

Dad, please!
This is my life!

Streaming services are destroying...

...our culture, Scott!

People got a thousand shows
at their fingertips 24/7,

so now Hollywood has
to make shows within their shows...

...to make more shows!

But, Dad,
what's wrong with people...

...watching what they wanna watch
when they wanna watch it?

What's wrong with people...

...watching what they want
when they wanna watch it?

I'm Scott Malkinson.
I have diabetes.

Unbelievable!

Yeah, it's me.

It's time we took all these
streaming services down.

Tell all the guys we're meeting ASAP,

in a window between 10:00 am
and 2:00 pm on Thursday.

God damn it!
Where are they?

We're gonna run out of time!

Where the hell have you guys been?

You gave us a window
of 10:00 am to 2:00 pm.

It's 1:50.

Between 10:00 and 2:00...

...doesn't mean you wait
until one-f*ckin'-fifty!

Wow.

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong is that
we're losing our asses...

...to these streaming sons a b*tches!

I don't know about you guys,

but I haven't worked a full day in weeks.

That's right.

These streaming services...

...all still need the Internet to stream, right?

And who laid all that cable...

...those companies are streaming on?

We did.
We did.

That's right,
we f*ckin' did!

We're cable repairmen.

We control what goes
into people's houses... us!

It's time that we worked together...

...and show people just how much
they still need us!

Yeah! Let's uncouple
the stranded conductor!

Let's tear the insulation off
the retractile cables!

Bill and Dave, you get supplies
from the electronics store.

Kurt, help Michael with
the hardware we're gonna need!

Let's meet at the breaker
between 4:00 and 7:00 pm!

Yeah!
Yeah!

You're watching "Canada Ploos",

Your source for all Canadian entertainment!

Oh, that's pretty cool.

Which Canadian program
would you like to watch?

"Terrance and Phillip". "The Queef Sisters".

"Terrance and Phillip". "The Queef Sisters".

"Terrance and..." "The Queef Si..."

Katherine,
I have some bad news.

What is it, Katie?

Ugh!

God damn it.

You gotta help me!
With what?

With my baby girl!
She's everything to me, bro!

But to impress her,
I have to get Disney+.

How can I get it without
my parents credit card?

You don't wanna go messing with that.

You once had a girlfriend, Eric.

You and Heidi were together a long time.

You know how important this is!

You want my advice.

You're better off, Scott.

Let some other fool have his life ruined.

What are you talking about, Er...

Do you know what love is, Scott? !

I'll tell you one thing...
it's not the happy ending...

...that Disney movies promised us.

There's just frustration and anger and pain.

Relationships are diabetes times 10.

I can handle diabetes.

I can handle a relationship.

Fine.

I'll tell you how to get Disney+.

But when you feel like
k*lling yourself in two years,

don't do it in front of me.

Alright.

Let's do this.

Dave? Dave, you got everything
from the electronics store?

Not yet.
Still working on it.

Well, what the f*ck are you doing?

You gave me a window of noon
to 3:00 to get it all.

It's only 2:45!

God f*ckin' damn it.

Can we please get the show
on the road here, guys?!

Kurt,
you got the cable splitters?

Huh?
God damn it!

Get the f*ckin' cable splitters!

Streaming accounts.

Streaming accounts and passwords.

Streaming accounts.

Passwords.

Uh, hey.

Hey.

What's goin' on?

Uh, Eric Cartman told me...

...you have access to streaming accounts?

Maybe I do.
And maybe I don't.

Are you a cop?

No, I'm Scott Malkinson.
I go to your school.

Never heard of you.

Haven't you ever heard the other kids say,

"I'm Scott Malkinson.
I have diabetes"?

Well, I'm Scott Malkinson.

Oh yeah.

Well, in that case...

Hulu, Netflix, HBO Max.

I got all the accounts
and passwords you need.

No, I need a Disney+ account.

Oh, you want the good stuff.

That's pricey.
Hard to find.

What, uh...
are you lookin' to trade?

I have two 16-needle boxes of insulin.

Oh.

Oh, God!

Oh!

Yeah.
That's pretty good sh*t.

Alright.
Here you go.

Disney+ account and password.

Alright.

I've got the static coupler
connected to the RF switch!

You got the BT router undone,
Dave?

Yeah. Yeah.
I think that's got it.

Okay.
Let's throw the pulse cable!

Yeah!
I think that's good!

Oh, God.

Hey!
Hi. Sophie.

The show starts streaming in two minutes!

I have to watch right
when it starts streaming.

I hate spoilers!

Me too!

This'll be a great place to watch it!

Uh-oh.

Hey do you have some juice or something?

My blood sugar is a little low.

Oh, my God.
I love you so much.

Huh?

Uh, here you go.

I have lots of juices standing by.

Great!

Mmm! Okay! It's time!
Put it on.

Oh-kay!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Hey!
What's going on!

I-I don't know.

This is item number 4-5-7...

Can you change it back?

It's not...
working.

Look at these stunning earrings...

I don't know what's going on!
It's gonna be okay!

That Jimmy kid invited me
to watch at his house!

Come on!

Oh, no! Not Jimmy!

Bay! Bay!

Come back!

Now back to "PC Babies".

"PC Babies"?
What the hell is this?

Put it back to "Mandalorian", Jimmy.

Nobody likes "PC Babies".

I'm trying, but something's
wrong with the TV.

...karat gold.

This is bullcrap.
Give me that thing.

You're watching "Canada Ploos"!

God damn it!

Oh. Hey, Sophie.

And Scott.

Hey. Hope it' still okay to come over.

Sure.
Come on in.

Hey, look who's here, fellas.
It's Sophie.

And Scott!

Hey, Sophie.

Oh, no. Your streaming services
are messing up, too?

What do you mean?
This isn't just happening here?

No. We were just at Scott's house,

and it was the same thing.
This is terrible.

Hey, don't worry, Soph.

We can watch it together at Token's house.

His family has the best AV equipment.

Oh, what happened to "Girls
are just like diabetes"?

Let's just hurry and get to Token's house.

Yeah.
Come on, Sophie.

And Scott!

We're the Blacks.

A hip family just trying to get by.

The problem is our neighbors.

We're the Whites.

Nobody ever cares if bad things
happen to us anymore.

And things are getting worse.

Because in this town, it's
"The Whites and The Blacks",

on Amazon Prime.

What the...? What is wrong
with this stupid thing?

I don't even know who to call.

Here, let me try something.

Here it comes.
Here it comes. Shh.

Park County cable.

Oh, your streaming isn't working? Huh.

Gee, I'm sorry, but that's
really not our problem...

Uh, sir, can you hang on?

I got another call.

Park County cable.

None of your streaming services
are working, either?

Don't worry.

You and everyone else in this town...

...can count on your local cable company.

We'll come fix the problem.

Alright, guys. Let's be
the heroes this town needs.

Yeah!

You're watching "Crab People" on HBO Max.

So you say that these mutant crab people...

...came up from under the ground,
and started eating children?

No, no, no. "Crab People"
is a show that came on TV...

...when I was trying to watch
"Stranger Things" on Netflix.

Oh.

Mom, I can't watch
"Mandalorian" ANYWHERE.

Oh, no.
It's happening here, too?

Who are all these boys, Sophie?

Hello, ma'am.
I'm Eric Cartman. How are you?

Hi. My name's Jimmy.

Clyde Donovan.
Yeah, yeah.

Nobody cares, Clyde.

Well, it looks like nobody's
streaming shows tonight.

Sorry, Sophie.

Not as sorry as I am,
Sophie.

I'm the most sorriest,
Sophie.

You assholes,
stop talking to her!

Scott?

I am done having you all ruin
my life! You hear me?

Done!

You've taken my dignity for all these years,

but you are not taking my girlfriend!

What are you talking about, Scott?

I'm not your girlfriend.

You're not?

Uh-oh. Looks like you got some
pie on your face, Scott.

I'm not anyone's girlfriend.

I just f*ckin' moved here,
you guys.

Can I have time to unpack
the sh*t in my room?

But Sophie,
you're totally my type...

...type one diabetes.

Scott, I'm more than just my diabetes.

Well, I'm not.

I'm Scott Malkinson.

Need a candy bar?

You're low, right?

Here.

It stinks having diabetes,
sometimes, huh?

You seem to do alright.

Still sucks.

Kids don't know how much
extra you have to do...

...every day just to be okay.

Yeah.

I'm glad there's a kid at my new school...

...who I can talk about diabetes with.

You don't think I'm weird and gross?

You know what? I don't think
you're any weirder or grosser...

...than any of the other boys in this town.

Wow. That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

I'm sorry you missed your show, Sophie.

I don't know what happened,

but somehow I feel like it was my fault.

It's okay.
I had an interesting night.

I think I kind of like
the 'Scott Malkinson Show.'

Okay, we're here.
We... ah, sh*t.