23x10 - Christmas Snow

Episode transcripts of the TV show, "South Park." Aired August 1997 to current.*
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The misadventures of four boys who live in the fictional town of South Park, Colorado.
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23x10 - Christmas Snow

Post by bunniefuu »

Mr. Mackey:
♪ It's the holiday season

♪ With the whoop-de-do
and hickory dock ♪

♪ And don't forget
to hang up your sock ♪

♪ 'Cause just exactly
at 12:00 ♪

♪ He'll be coming down
the chimney, down ♪

♪ Mkaaay

Alright, everyone, are
we enjoying the festivities?!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Well, it's time for
a very special guest now.

Here he is -- Santa!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Together: Santa!

Merry Christmas, everyone.

This is the season
for joy and giving.

But let's also not forget that,
unfortunately,

it's the season for accidents
caused by drunk driving.

[ Cheering stops ]

Did you know that the holidays
are when the most DUIs

and drinking-related
accidents occur?

This is like
that little Greta girl

with the global warning.

Buzz-k*ll!

[ Crowd booing ]
Please, be sure to celebrate

the season responsibly.

Because last holiday sea--
[ Booing grows louder ]

The -- The most drunk-driving
accidents than ever be--

We're trying to have fun
here, Santa!

Okay, okay. Come on.
[ Booing continues ]

All Santa is saying

is that drinking and driving
during the holidays --

Okay, thank you, Santa.

That was wonderful
and informative.

Thank you for coming,
everyone.

We hope
you and your loved ones

enjoy all your favorite
holiday traditions!

Yeah!
Let's drive!

[ Crowd cheering ]

[ "Kay Thompson's Jingle Bells"
by Andy Williams playing ]

♪ Bring out your bells,
your Christmas bells ♪

♪ Come on, we're going for
a sleigh ride ♪

♪ Christmas time is here again

♪ Come on, we're going for
a sleigh ride ♪
[ Tires screech ]

Man: I know, Ned!

♪ To spread the cheer again

♪ From the top of the chimney
to the top of the wall ♪

♪ Dash away, dash away,
dash away, all ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way ♪

[ Tires screech, bang ]

Mornin', Jim.
Mornin', Kate.

Mornin', Stotch.

We really tied one on
last night, huh?

Happy Holidays.

What the hell's
going on?

We -- We don't know!

Hey, guys.

The [bleep] is this?

Jimbo: There's like a... chain
blocking the liquor aisle.

Uh, maybe we can just
go around to the other side.

Come on!

What the hell?

I dunno, there's
some kind of blockage

in front of
the booze section.

But this is
ridiculous.

Manager!
Manager!

Can I help you?

Manager, there's
a chain and sign

blocking our way
into the liquor aisle.

Yes. We can't sell liquor
during the holidays.

Somebody got a new
county ordinance passed.

What?
Who has that kind of power?

It's Christmas, damn it!
What are we supposed to drink?!

You gotta just drink
what you have at your house.

[ Scoffs ]
We drank it all

before driving to
the tree-lighting ceremony!

All: Yeah!

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Wait! Hold on!

Sorry, everyone.
I've been shut down
until the new year.

No!
Not you, too!

You must have something
you can give us.

All I've got is this little
bottle of peppermint schnapps,

and it's barely enough
for my drive home.

I've got family coming over --
from out of town!

You can't expect me
to be sober!

Skeeter!
Thank God you're still open.

Gimme a Cabernet, huh?

And a couple bottles
to take home.

I got lemonade, soft drinks,
and teas.

That's all I can sell
until January 2nd.

Son of
a bitch!

This can't
be happening.

Hey, come on, guys.

It's still Christmas, and we
have to make the best of it.

How about we all
drive around a little?

Oh, what's the point,
Jimbo?!

What's the point
of driving now?

♪ Silent night

♪ Holy night

♪ All is calm

♪ All is bright
Nobody's out shopping.

The town is dead.

Our economy depends
on the holidays.

We don't know who passed
the ordinance, Mayor, but...

well, the people just
feel let down.

There's only
one thing we can do.

We're going to have to
ask an old friend for help.

And hope that
he somehow forgives us.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Knock on door ]

Hello, Mayor, everybody.

What are you doing here?

Mr. Marsh,
South Park needs you.

For what?

Everyone's
down in the dumps.

Nobody's buying presents
or going to holiday events.

People -- they need
some holiday spirit.

We think that
a little weed

might put everyone
in a better mood.

Guys,
my season is over.

Tegridy Farms' season ended
weeks ago.

We understand,
but couldn't you do,

like,
a limited-edition run

just to get people
through the holidays?

You want me to do
a Christmas special?

Yes!
South Park needs Tegridy Farms.

We all do, Randy!

But, guys,
look behind you.

The crops are dead.

How am I supposed to sell weed
to people now?

I'll tell you how.

Because you're
Randy Marsh.

And there's one thing you have
that nobody else does --

tegridy.

Tegridy.

You're -- You're
not gonna let

a little cold weather
stand in your way.

Tegridy Farms is
about community.

And community
is what matters.

That's Tegridy.
That's tegridy weed.

Well, you're right
about that.

Lemme call my marijuana
science specialist,

and I'll see
what I can do.

Thank you, Marsh.
And God bless Tegridy Farms.

Look, I'm sorry, Randy,

but marijuana simply doesn't
grow in the cold.

So we use
the greenhouse.

There's gotta be a way
to make a Christmas special.

It's what
everyone wants.

Hey, wait a minute!

How about we repackage
some of the surplus?

We still have lots
of leftover Mexican Joker.

That's 'cause people didn't
really like Mexican Joker.

I'm not gonna just repackage it.
That's not special.

Okay, so, how about
we combine

what's left
of the Mexican Joker

with some
of the Season Finale?

Agh!

What's wrong?

It's just...

it needs
something else.

Just mixing old product together
and naming it something new --

that's not special,
and it's not Tegridy.

It's just not Tegridy.

[ Sighs ]

It's gonna be
your birthday soon, Jesus.

I wanna make something
as special as you are.

I just need the right idea.

[ Wind blowing ]

[ Wind continues ]

♪ I'll have a blue Christmas

I hate the holidays.

Come on, Token, let's wrap it up
and get out of here!

♪ I'll be so blue

Dude, our parents seem
really bummed out.

Yeah, it's like
someone came and took

all their
Christmas spirits.

This isn't good,
you guys.

You know what it means
when our parents have
no Christmas spirit?

Shitty presents.

We're screwed,
you guys.

They just gotta get their
Christmas spirits back!

They just gotta!

[ Engine revving, horn honking ]

Mrph rmh rmphm?

[ Revving, honking continues ]

Look!

Well, howdy there,
folks.

Randy?

Heard you were all
a little down

and might need
a boost.

So I thought I'd bring you
some Christmas Snow.

[ Excited indistinct
conversations ]

Whoa, whoa.
There's enough for everybody.

Oh, wow,
this smells great!

Hey, what's this white stuff
on the top?

Just a little something extra
for a special kick.

Well, what are we waiting for,
everyone?!

Let's do some driving!
[ Crowd cheers ]

♪ Bring out your bells,
your Christmas bells ♪

♪ Come on, we're going for
a sleigh ride ♪

♪ Christmas time is here again

♪ Come on, we're going for
[ Cheering ]

Now back to the "Tegridy Farms
Christmas Special!"

[ Bang on door ]

Oh, hi, Mayor.

We need to talk,
Marsh.

What's going on?

Are people not liking
the Christmas special so far?

Oh, people love
the Christmas special.

So... Marsh.

What exactly is in
this Christmas Snow?

Okay, okay, look,
you busted us.

It's a mix of different
strains of marijuana

we had left over
from last season.

I know, it's wrong.

No, no, no, what is the white
stuff on the marijuana?

Oh, that?
That's cocaine.

What?!

Yeah, I got the idea
praying to Christ.

You know,
powder, snow.

It's what gives the
Christmas special its kick.

Getting enough cocaine
was the tricky part,

so we started
growing our own.

Turns out the coca plant is even
hardier than marijuana plant.

It can grow even
when we're out of season.

What is wrong
with you?!

We can't have you selling
this stuff in town!

Cocaine is illegal!

It is?

Jesus Christ, you can't
just give people coke
without them knowing!

We could all go
to prison!

Hey, hey,
it's not a big deal.

I've been
through this before.

Hang on,
I'll handle it.

Don't go anywhere.

Legalize it!

Legalize it!

Okay, cocaine's totally
legal now.

It -- It is?

Yeah. Legal in seven states,
including this one.

Other states are
soon to follow.

I told you --
it's 2019, dawg.

I'm sorry, Santa.

I just can't think of anything
I want this year.

I guess maybe now I'm losing
my Christmas spirit.

Well, how about a little
Baby Yoda doll?

Nah. "Mandalorian" was great
the first few episodes,

but it's really
fallen apart lately.

[ Tires screech ]

[ Crashing ]

What on Earth?

Merry Christmas.

What the? How are people
still drinking and driving?

Oh, they aren't
drunk, Santa.

Everyone's just
enjoying this.

Tegridy Farms
Christmas snow.

It's organic, locally grown,
and available now.

-It's great, Santa!
-Oh, you got to try it, Santa!

[ Indistinct talking ]

Marijuana?!
This isn't what Santa meant!

I got rid of liquor,

and now you assholes are
all just getting high?!

God [bleep] damn it!

Santa will just see
about this!

Our Christmas special
is so amazing.

I don't know how we're gonna
keep up with all the demand.

I know. I know. I can't
print labels fast enough.

We need to get
more help.

We're never gonna get enough
done in time.

Hey, Shelley! Hey, Shelley!
Hey, Shelley!

What?!

Hey, Shelley,
can you help us make labels

for the Christmas special?!

No! I'M not helping you
with your stupid blow!

Oh, great. My daughter had
a marijuana problem,

and now she has
a problem with cocaine.

[ Pounding ]

Ah, must be
more customers.

What the hell is this?

New ordinance has been passed
by the county.

No Marijuana sales
till after the holidays.

Hey.
[Bleep] you.


Who has that kind
of power?

Look, I just do
what I'm told, man.

Happy Holidays.

Hey, but...
You can't do this!

They just shut down
our business.

What are you
talking about?

We can't sell marijuana
during the holidays.

What are we gonna do?

We can't give up
on the Christmas special.

People need it.

I think I know a way
around this.

[ Acoustic guitar plays ]

Announcer: There's somethin'
about the holiday season.

Folks seem a little nicer,
The days a little more special.

And sometimes, we all need
a little pick me up,

but without any
added ingredients.

Introducing Marijuana-Free
Christmas Snow

from Tegridy farms.

All the festive snow you love
without that pesky marijuana.

Because there's nothin' like
a warm fire,

some holiday presents,

and a little
Rocky Mountain Cocaine.

During Christmas, don't you want
your cocaine to be organic,

pure, and locally grown?

Cocaine that's grown locally
has never been smuggled,

so the only ass it's gonna
be up is yours.

Marijuana-Free
Christmas Snow,

now available
from Tegridy Farms.

It's cocaine
that's farm-to-nostril.

[ People shouting erratically ]

Boy, people sure do have
the holiday spirit now.

Yeah.
What the hell happened?

It's weird, though.

My parents have a lot
of holiday spirit,

but they sleep until about
3:00 in the afternoon every day.

Yeah. Last night, my mom had
a ton of holiday spirit,
and then, passed out.

She hasn't gone out
to buy me any presents.

Butters, your mom
has so much holiday spirit

that she's riding an ATV
with her tits out.

Christmas! Whoo!

Yeah, that's a little too much
holiday spirit, if you ask me.

There you are, ma'am.

There you are, sir.

This is amazing,
Towelie.

Tegridy Farms is finally
going to make all the money

I ever dreamed of.

What the Sam hell
is going on here?

[ All talking indistinctly ]

Marijuana-Free
Christmas snow?

You people realize that
tomorrow is Christmas Eve!?

And it's gonna be
the best Christmas ever!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Screaming, crashing ]

[ Cheering ]

Happy holidays!
Whoo!

Santa to base.
Come in.

Underpants Gnome:
This is base. Go ahead, Santa.

Sleigh is too loaded down
to fly.

Gonna have to
take the roads

until I find a place
to dump all this blow.

[ Engine whirring ]

Hold on tight, Towelie.
We have to save Christmas.

Oh, sh*t!

[ Yells ]

♪♪

The hell...?

Linda!

Did you do all my
Marijuana-Free Christmas Snow?

I was just gonna ask you
the same thing.

What are you
talking about?

Mine's all gone.
You had another bender
last night, didn't you?

No!
Clearly, you did!

[ Knocking ]

Thomas, we were just wondering
if we could borrow

a little Christmas Snow?

You can't find
yours, either?

My wife's been searching
all morning.

The trash. We must have
thrown it in the trash.

It has to be
here somewhere.

[ Indistinct murmuring ]

Alright listen,
somebody obviously took

everyone else's snow,
and it's not cool!

Come on!
It's Christmas!

Somebody has to have a little.
I feel like total sh*t.

It's gone, mkay!

Just face it!
It's all gone!

Santa:
This is Santa.

The sleigh still
isn't functional.

Got some of it repaired,
but I don't think

I'm gonna make it back
in time for Christmas.

Hey, Santa?

We need to talk.

Stay back,
mother[bleep]

Santa,
you don't understand.

Oh, Santa
understands plenty.

You assholes drink and drive,
and you think marijuana

is somehow different,
and go driving around on that,

And then,
you go and make this sh*t.

Santa,
that's not just cocaine.

It's Tegridy cocaine.

[ Acoustic guitar plays ]

Oh, don't give Santa that.
Coke is coke.

That's not true.

This cocaine is grown locally,
by local people.

Please, just try it.

Santa's done coke before.
Santa knows what --

Please.

♪♪

It's cocaine --
just like every other cocaine

Santa's ever tried.

You people really think
that the holidays --

okay, yeah,
that's pretty good.

But it doesn't matter.

Because Christmas is a...

Wow, that is
really clean.

Right?

It's, like, not speedy at all.
It's really mellow.

Honestly, I didn't know cocaine
could be this pure.

Wow.

Because it's grown here,
on a farm.

It's not cut with any nasty
chemicals or harmful impurities.

No, you can tell
it's really clean.

Santa like-y.

Maybe I have been a little too
old-fashioned in my thinking.

Jesus: I can't believe
what I am hearing!

Oh, Jesus.

I have heard your prayers,
Marsh, and I have been watching.

You want people to think
that homegrown cocaine

is the same
as legalizing marijuana?

Jesus, you really
got to try it.

No!

You cut out
the middle men.

Nobody dies in South America.
Nobody dies from impurities.

Please, Jesus.

Okay. I get it.
It's really clean.

It's...
Yeah...

It's a good high.

It's [bleep] pure.

It's Tegridy.

Well,. maybe we all DO need
a little Tegridy

at Christmastime.

What are you doing, Jesus?

I think it's time for
a little Christmas miracle.

Hey.

Hey!
Hey, everybody!

Try to catch some
on your tongue.

It's fun.

Does this mean you all have
the Christmas spirit again!

You're darn tootin',
we do.

[ Talking, cheering ]

Hey, guys. I'm so happy
my Christmas Special
turned out okay.

It's more than okay.

Tegridy cocaine is smooth,
and has a great finish.

I'll bet when coke
becomes legal soon,

everyone will want
Tegridy cocaine.

Well only one thing
left to do now, g*ng.

Let's go driving!

[ Cheering ]

Announcer: All-natural
Tegridy cocaine,

endorsed and approved
by Santa Claus.

Available soon
at a store near you.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪
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