04x08 - A Bunch of Hornballs

[bunniefuu]

LINDSAY: And then, even after
I showed them my true colors,

Cyndi Lauper-style,

my coworkers ditched me.

Triflin'-ass Vogue readers.

Mm! I almost forgot.

I made you a friendship
bracelet when I was home.

Aw!

"G plus H"?

The "H" stands for "Hot Lindsay."

See? I'm friendable!

I know they're triflin',
Gretch, but I really want

those multicultural fashion
lizards to like me.

They're my work family.

No, I get it.

My old boss Rick was my
work family until his head

got cut off in that Jet Ski accident.

(GASPS, GASPING OPERATICALLY)

It's my divorce license. (PANTING)

Ha! I'm divorced!

Oh, no. I broke my divorce.

Yay! Paul is dead!

(LAUGHS)

Now we can be fun
single ladies together!

Ha. Uh, yeah.

Since when does being a
fun single lady mean

boning the same old-ass dad every night?

Just admit it.

You're down a road.

We are not down a road.

Then don't hang out with him tonight.

Fine!

Easy. Not a problem.

I will just tell that fool...

that I am very sick so he
doesn't get mad at me.

You... have... a... boyfriend!

Don't emoji clap at me.

Okay, how 'bout this?

To celebrate our new singlehood,

I will throw you a divorce
party tonight. No Boone.

Yes! And I can invite my work fam.

Maybe once they know I'm
a cool-ass divorcée

like ScarJo or Nicole Brown Simpson,

Jeff and Tara will want
to be friends with me.

Perfect.

Ow!

I really need to stop
buying window dr*gs

from that homeless guy.

♪ ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

- ♪
♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GASPING)

Jimmy Shive-Overly.

Now, make sure to wear your
VIP badge at all times.

I absolutely will not.

Congrats on the release of your book.

I hear it's very steamy.

It's also a Dickensian
exploration of the long shadow

cast on British progeniture
by the Second World w*r,

but thank you.

Hot.

♪ ♪

There we go. Getting
that weekly tighten-up,

- quaffing that rye hattie.
- You're right.

Co-grooming can be a bonding
yet totally macho ritual.

(PHONES CHIME, BUZZ)

Oh...

(BOTH GASP)

- SneakerSeeker!
- SneakerSeeker!

Oh, sh*t, the Yeezy Pirate
Blacks are on sale for $ !

And purchased!

You, too.

- We got to be twinsies.
- Nine hundo?

Uh, gee, I-I don't know. I...

And...

- done.
- Yes!

Where's the foreign dude
with the weird-colored d*ck?

- Jimmy's on a work trip.
- Nice! Now we don't have to rip

down his list of dum-dum
rules for the party.

Going number two in the upstairs
bathroom all night, sucka.

- What party?
- Ugh, I got super baked

and offered to throw
Lindser a divorce party.

Hmm.

Edgar, you should plan the party.

- Why me?
- You're the foodie

with the fancy-ass threads,
getting a house haircut,

drinking a rye hattie like
Dan g*dd*mn Bilzerian!

I guess I could pull something together.

Great. Remember, the theme is
Your Previously Secure Future

is Suddenly a Giant,
Scary Question Mark.

But fun!

EDGAR: sh**t.

I-I guess I have to go
to the grocery store

and the liquor store. I
should probably pick up

some bubble wrap for
Lindsay to play with...

Hey, relax.

I know a party planner who
can take care of everything.

He did Brent's going away,
and it was spectunckular.

I got this.

Wow, thanks.

I mean, that's-that's so generous.

- (SENT MESSAGE CHIME)
- Wait, Brent moved?

- Mm-hmm.
- Isn't he your main dude?

Brent moved to Boulder to
work on his new app, Snoober.

It's like Uber but for snow.

So, the app helps you
find a place to ski

- or makes snow or...
- Right!

It's like Venmo, but for mountains.

Ah.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

("IF U C MY ENEMIES" BY
RUBBLEBUCKET PLAYING)

(LAUGHS)

♪ I come from a greener place
and a lawless past ♪

♪ I was raised
with the cows and the birds ♪

♪ And a toothless laugh... ♪

FAN: I loved how Simon
was drunk all the time

when he was teaching drama
at that boarding school,

because... I had sex with
my drama teacher, too.

Who didn't?

- (SOBBING)
- (CHUCKLING): Aw.

You're so sweet.

Smile.

("KING CHARLES" BY YUNGBLUD PLAYING)

Who's next?

ADRIENNE: What's your name?

♪ ♪

♪ I admit, I've never been
broke but I have been broken ♪

♪ Shout inside, she'll
switch you for a token ♪

- ♪ Oh... ♪
- ♪ Of kindness ♪

♪ This one's for you, King Charles ♪

♪ You mess with the people ♪

♪ Took the taxes to fund the evil ♪

- ♪ Ooh... ♪
- ♪ Sound familiar? ♪

♪ Don't mind us, divide us ♪

♪ But when we need guidance,
you give us the silence ♪

♪ It's spineless and blindless ♪

♪ We will buy back,
not sit here smiling ♪

(HIP-HOP AIR HORN SOUND EFFECT)

Wow.

Thanks for doing all this.

Hey, it's what buds do.

Plus, you got to honor the
end of a relationship.

When my pops and stepmom split,

me and Dad bro'd out in the
Maldives for, like, a month.

(CHUCKLES) Had too much
Prosecco one night,

and things got a little weird.

But, all in all, great trip.

- BECCA: Hello!
- Welcome to the party I planned!

Oh, sh*t, it's Nerd
with his face X'ed out!

So disrespected!

Wow, Gretchen.

How... Pinterest of you.

You know, if we threw a party
every time Lindsay failed

at something, we'd be
drunk all the time.

Bitch, we are drunk all
the time. (CHUCKLES)

Because you keep pressuring me.

Makes me wonder what
you're up to, mister.

(GRUNTS)

(PHONE CHIMES)

_

Here comes the divorced.

Lady.

I'm here!

Aw, thanks for comin', sis!

Yeah, well, I find the whole
thing to be in very poor taste.

Marriage is supposed to be forever.

(CHUCKLES) And you chose Vernon.

Babe, can you take a pic for me?

I want to get one where
I'm resting my d*ck

- on his shoulder like a parrot.
- (DOOR OPENS)

- (CHUCKLES)
- (DOOR SHUTS)

CARL: Congratulations!

Uh, a-and/or, uh, my, uh, condolences,

depending on your feelings
about the divorce.

- Thank you so much for inviting me.
- Shut up.

- Where are the good ones?
- The good...

Oh, you mean Jeff and Tara.

I'm not sure.

Well, find out.

♪ ♪

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Let me guess.

You're bummed because your
work is suddenly included

in the mortifying anti-art
hellscape that is genre.

Yeah. Well, Michael Chabon
isn't hyping Moonglow

at the Gilroy Garlic Festival.

He would if they invited him.

He's not above helping sales,

and neither should you be.

Plus, not to be gross,

but you could really
clean up around here.

What?

I'm just saying, I'm
an old married lady,

but if I were a hot,
single British dude?

Whew, boy,

you'd have to take my
d*ck home in a body bag.

(SCOFFS)

Thanks.

I think.

Night, Jimmy.

Try to have some fun
this weekend, will ya?

♪ Run it ♪

♪ Run it ♪

♪ Wob-wob wobbin, wob-wob wobbin ♪

- ♪ When I come around ♪
- Mmm.

♪ Got the whole thing wobbin... ♪

I can't believe none of my
work friends showed up.

Not even the janitor guy with
the gross, black thumbnail.

What about him?

Carl? He doesn't count.

Carl's basically a human
participation trophy.

♪ Looking for the movie love,
they think I'm famous... ♪

The most tragic part of
your sister's divorce

is that she's wearing that hideous dress

a second time.

(LAUGHING)

Ooh. Speaking of dumb things I hate,

Vernon tried to have sex
with me last night.

I made him go jerk off in
the downstairs bathroom,

because sometimes... he
touches his own nipples.

It's revolting.

That is so gay.

(LAUGHING)

♪ They said, "Be real" ♪

♪ Nash jumping, I ain't even
had my leap year yet... ♪

Well, I'm gonna take a lap.

(DOORBELL RINGS, KNOCKING ON DOOR)

So, I'm guessing you're not sick.

Actually, it's bananas.

I was feeling straight
garbaggio when my friend

basically blackmailed me into
hosting her divorce party.

And when I was picking up some wine,

I gave this homeless woman
the last of my Chipotle,

and she blessed me, and I
was, like, instantly cured!

Oh. This is disappointing.

Have fun being a weird liar, I guess.

Wait. I'm sorry.

It's just you, me... road.

We're heading down one, right, it seems,

and yeah, so... that.

Scared.

Me.

You think we're down a road?

I'm at your house almost every night.

Pretty soon you're gonna
want me to meet your kid.

No. No, I won't.

In fact, Olivia's actually in
the car right now reading,

and you're still not meeting her.

(CHUCKLES): Really?

Wait. You saying I can't meet her?

(LAUGHS): Like you'd want to.

I mean, you have to admit you're
not exactly the "kid type."

(SIGHS)

I guess you can still have this.

Hey, you want to come in for one drink?

Everybody's raving about
the Mezcalimonies.

I guess.

Plus, I'm very curious to see

- who'd actually be friends with you.
- Oh.

(HIP-HOP PLAYING)

Mmm.

♪ ♪

Oh. Mmm.

Hey. Bartender just told me they
ran out of -year Glenlivet.

- Mm.
- So I'm thinking

we take this party up a notch and go ?

Oh, yeah! Let's do it!

Great. 'Cause I like my
scotch like I like my women:

of legal consenting age.

- (LAUGHING)
- Yeah.

You used to treat women
really badly, huh?

I really did.

(GROANS SOFTLY)

- (ELECTRONIC CHIMING)
- I'm about to give my speech.

Where is everyone?

- Um...
- (CHIMING)

♪ ♪

_

_

_

Hello?

- Attention?
- (MUSIC STOPS)

Sisters are supposed to give
speeches at these things, right?

Well, I guess that's true at weddings.

Hard to believe Lindsay's was
only four short years ago.

Lindsay, is there anything in
your life you haven't aborted?

(PEOPLE GASP)

But seriously, guys...

- (SNICKERING)
- Lindsay... is my sister.

Eh, that's all I got. Linds?

(TAKES DEEP BREATH)

♪ ♪

(OBJECT TAPPING GLASS)

"I used to be in a bad marriage

to a very bad man.

But now...

I'm free."

- Yeah!
- (WOMAN WHOOPS)

(MAN CHUCKLING)

(CHUCKLING CONTINUES)

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

(LAUGHTER STOPS)

Hi. I'm Paul...

to those I don't know.

- WOMAN: Hi.
- Hi. Hi there.

Hello.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING, LIVELY CHATTER)

Hi.

(WHOOPING, CHEERING)

"Simon loathed his new post

at the New Hampshire boarding school.

But oh, did he approve
of American girls,

Especially the female drama students..."

♪ ♪

(LAUGHTER, CLAPPING, WHOOPING)

Oh, my God.

Okay.

(ADRIENNE CHUCKLES)

WOMEN: Ooh...

(CLAPPING, WHOOPING)

Who invited you?

Your blisteringly dumb husband

has been texting me photos of
this vile event all night.

Shut up, narc.

An X over my face, is it?

Lo, the hypocrisy of the cheater

celebrating her freedom.

Well, you're free, all right.

Free from having me to blame
for your myriad problems.

- Uh...
- "Myriad" means a lot.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

You always held me back.

No wonder I can't swim.

- No wonder I don't have a middle name.
- You can no longer

blame me for your life,
because I'm not in it.

You'll only have yourself
to blame when you

lose your toys down the tub,

or when you bite into a chess piece

because you think it's white chocolate.

I hate you!

(PAUL BARKING)

- (LAUGHING)
- Vernon?

Drive us home.

Okay, but you're not both
sitting in the back this time.

- Shut up. Yes, we are.
- (BECCA LAUGHING)

And... we're gonna sing duets

until you...

- ♪ Drive the car ♪
- ♪ The car ♪

♪ Into the ♪

- ♪ Ocean ♪
- ♪ Sea... ocean ♪

♪ Vernon... ♪

(VERNON GROANS)

What are you doing?

- There you are.
- No.

After we talked, I was looking
on Nextdoor, and I realized

Silver Lake Heights is highly dangerous.

Someone's Amazon package got stolen

from right off their front porch.

Apparently, two high school kids

were smoking (WHISPERING) pot

in a car. Coyotes.

Someone smashed Marisa
Tomei's jack-o-lantern.

Plus, I thought Olivia
might want some cake.

(WHISTLES)

It's all on Nextdoor.

Come on, sweetie.

Let's find you some milk.

(MOANING)

(GRUNTING)

(ADRIENNE GASPING)

(ADRIENNE GRUNTS AND GROANS)

(SCREAMS)

Oh, no.

- (COUGHING): Oh, my God.
- (JIMMY LAUGHS)

(GRUNTS)

(ADRIENNE RETCHES)

(COUGHING, RETCHING)

Oh, God.

- Oh, no.
- Oh.

Hey. Isn't it time for
you to catch a bouquet

or put a garter back on or something?

Paul said I blame everybody
else for my life.

Is everything my fault?

Because I don't do life good?

No, of course not.

So it's your fault?

No, sweetie.

Then whose fault is it?

(GRETCHEN SIGHS)

One thing I learned in
therapy is that stuff

that happens to you when you're a kid

can really screw you up as an adult.

Like, don't even get me started
how my parents let me watch

Return to Oz every day.

Wheelers, dude.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Stuff that happened when I was a kid?

Becca.

- Great party, bud.
- Mm-hmm.

Here. My guy says it's
time to settle up.

- $ , ?
- Wait. Seriously?

- They hooked you up.
- Yeah.

You got to tip huge.

Me? Wait.

I thought you were
paying for everything.

(SCOFFS) Edgar, why would I
pay for your friend's party?

I don't... I...

I've never spent this much money before.

I just spent a thousand dollars

on sneakers designed by Kanye West.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna be sick.

- Okay. Edgar.
- Oh, my God.

Look at me. Edgar.

(PANTING)

- You have such a giving spirit.
- (QUIETLY): Yeah.

You deserve to drop a
little green on yourself.

- Yeah.
- Plus,

in a few years, when we're running

Max and Edgar Love Sketches,

six thou? That's six dollars.

It's six pennies, it's
six... It's three pennies.

(EXHALES)

Okay.

Thanks for talking me down.

Hey, anytime.

After all, I do need a new main dude

now that Brent's snoobering in Colorado.

Really?

(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)

♪ ♪

Good cake, huh?

Yeah.

Red velvet's my favorite.

Not a real flavor.

Wh...? Hey.

I explicitly told you I wasn't ready

for Olivia to meet you yet.

Exactly, Boone.

Not a name, by the way.

Man, usually it takes a minute

for a guy's true feelings
to reveal themselves.

How "I'm damaged and only
good for having fun now."

But when you said I
can't meet your dau...

Hey. Dummy.

I didn't want you to
meet her for her sake.

Because she's a child and
I have an obligation

to not have her get attached
to people too early.

Jesus.

Why am I even justifying myself to you?

Oh, right, because I like you.

Or did.

Good-bye, Gretchen.

And Boone is totally a real name.

I'm sorry.

Hey. Boone.

I-I'm sorry.

It's just that I have
strong feelings for you.

And it hurt when you didn't think

I was worthy of meeting your daughter,

'cause she's part of you.

What I am saying is

if you want to go down the road,

I want to go down it, too... with you.

Look, I've had thoughts, too.

But I was worried I might still be

marriage brainwashed.

(SIGHS) sh*t.

Maybe we should go for it.

Okay.

Uh...

I still have to take Olivia home,

or she's gonna be a real piece
of sh*t in the morning.

Let's hang tomorrow, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Uh, let's go, sweetie.

Adrienne, please come out.

And bring towels, for God's sake.

ADRIENNE: No!

(CRYING): I always get too
drunk at these things.

(MOANING): Oh, God. My
whole career is a lie.

How can I write erotica

when I've never even had an orgasm?

What? You totally...

I fake them.

(CRYING)

What are they like, Jimmy?

I've heard it's like

when you have to pee really
bad, and then you do.

Is that what it's like?

Well, I don't want to rub
it in, but they're kind of

the only truly transcendent
thing in this world.

(CRYING): Please, no.

(PHONE RINGS)

_

(SOBBING): Oh, I hate myself.

I use the thesaurus app

with everything I write.

I give talks on body positivity,

but I bought a waist
trainer on the Internet.

(SOBS)

- Jimmy? Jimmy.
- (DOOR CLOSING)

GRETCHEN (ON PHONE): Sorry to bug you.

The patio door is stuck again.

Well, there's, um, WD- in the garage.

That usually does it.

Thanks.

No problem.

So...

How is the work trip?

Well,

I learned there's a
whole genre of erotica

that's just women having
sex with werewolves.

What? We talking wolf-human sex?

And quite often,

they're historical werewolves.

Shut up.

Like werewolves who are also
Civil w*r soldiers and sh*t?

Jimmy, that's hella hot.

You got to bring me one of those books.

I have two in my bag.

Hey,

so you won't believe who showed up

to Lindsay's divorce party tonight.

Divorce party, where?

Shh, don't worry about it.

But listen,

guess who walked in?

- Paul.
- No.

Yes.

And barf,

- but he might be secret hot now.
- Yes!

I thought the same thing.

He looks like a hot n*zi.

Like Ralph in The Sound of Music.

Yes.

Anyway, so Paul comes in
cackling like a super villain...