04x13 - It's Always Been This Way

Episode transcripts for the TV show "You're the Worst". Aired July 2014 - April 2019.
"You're the Worst" is centered on a self-involved writer and a self-destructive Los Angeles PR executive. These two toxic, self-destructive people fall in love and attempt a relationship.
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04x13 - It's Always Been This Way

Post by bunniefuu »


Señor, your trasheritas are ready.




We did it, dipshit.

Casa Vernon y Paul

is finally reality.

(WOMAN'S VOICE): Dr. Barbara?


Oh, shit.


What heaven is this?

It's here. But it's also home.

- But...

♪ ♪

(WOMAN'S VOICE): Doctor. Dr. Barbara!

Dear God!

- Wait.

- I-I need a second. This is wrong.
- WOMAN: Wake up.

- I don't understand what's happening.
- WOMAN: Wake up!

Wait a second!

- What's happening?!
- WOMAN: Wake up!


- Doctor! What did you do?
- MAN (OVER PA): Code Blue

- in OR three.
- WOMAN: Get Cheryl on the phone.

- VERNON: No. No. No, no, no.
- Get another tray in here.

- Below and dropping.
- No. No. No!

Move it, now.

- Get gloves.
- Code Blue in OR three.

NURSE: Get Dr. Weiss
in here immediately.

We're losing her!

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway ♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway. ♪

♪ ♪


Who b*rned your hot rod?

Fancy a drive?


Mmm. Good job, player.

Walk of shame.

Macking on skeezoids

- all night.
- I macked on zero skeezoids.

Doug made me the on-set writer.

You got a promotion.

- That's great.
- (SCOFFS) Yeah, that's what I thought,

but turns out set is a nightmare.

I tried to give Paul F.
Tompkins a note, and he threw

a Caesar wrap at my head.

Farts. Sorry, bud.

They make you eat lunch in
the middle of the night.

Some crew guy kept
telling me r*pe jokes.

Do you think I was sent there

as some sort of punishment?

- Well...

Paul keeps calling me.

- Can you make him stop?
- No.

He's kind of scary these days.

He's got a tattoo of a
cartoon frog on his thigh.

There's nothing tougher than that.

Where's Jimmy?!


Why do you look like a tampon?

I messed up so bad, you guys.

I zoinked out and nicked an artery.

- I never should've operated.
- Vernon, you need to go home.

I can't go home.

The hospital cops are
staking it out, fo' sho!

Plus, Becca will m*rder me d*ad.

(YAWNING): I got to rest my eyes.

Linds, by the way,

your bazingers are straight up b...

♪ ♪

I never asked you how you got this car.

Didn't you?

(CHUCKLES): I got it from...

No. I don't want to know now.

Well, you didn't ask because
you didn't want to know?

I had other things on my mind.

♪ So, tell me, what should
I be dreaming of? ♪

I liked telling you everything, though.

Me, too.

You ruined that.

♪ Who's gonna love you now? ♪

Look, a tunnel.

Ooh, let's hold our
breath and make a wish.

No, thanks.

I know what I'm wishing for.


♪ Sayin' yeah ♪

♪ Can't you hear the solar system ♪

- ♪ Sayin' yeah ♪

- ♪ Can't you feel the solar system... ♪
- Ah.

Oh. Eh.


♪ Sayin' yeah ♪

♪ Can't you hear the solar system ♪

♪ Sayin' yeah ♪

♪ Can't you feel the solar
system sayin' yeah. ♪




showed up covered in blood.

I think he did something really bad.

Vernon finally did it!

(LAUGHS) What?

I had, like, March of next year.

What did you have again?

- October this year.
- Ah.

- Damn it. You won.

Becca won't pick up.

She's probably drunk with Walter.

- Help.
- False alarm.

Becca's alive.


Take me to my car?


I'll drive you there.

Sounds like the Barbara clan

have finally Chernobyl'd themselves.

I need to witness the fallout in IMAX.

(OVER PHONE): This is Becca.

Leave a message. And if
this is Liquor Barn,

I hereby authorize you to leave
the wine on the front porch.

I am over ...

- barely.

Bec, it's me. Pick up.

Pick up. Pick up.

- Not how voice mail works.
- Pick up, pick up.

Why is Jimmy driving us?

He wanted to help.

Why didn't you leave town?

May be a change of plans.

- Just shush.

She just texted me a picture
of her titties from some bar.

- Want to see?
- Seen them.

Show me.

lovely day at D.B. Industries.

This is Dutch.

Dutch, it's Edgar. Put Doug on.

Doug's out of town. Where you at?

I was on set all night.


♪ I want to wrap myself up ♪

♪ In your loving ♪

BT dubs,

- you're welcome.
- For what?

You. Jimmy.

Hanging out all nice.

So what?

Sew buttons. I made this happen.

I "grouched" Boone.

You hid in a trash can?

- What did you say to him?
- I just suggested

he pump the brakes on your relaish.


This is the worst thing
you have ever done to me!

I did it for Olivia.

You have no idea what you did.

BECCA: Where are we going?

We're taking you to your husband.

- No! No. No, no, no.
- Whoa.

- No. No. No. No.
- Come on.

Okay. Okay.


- No, no, no. No. Mmm.
- Easy.

Hey. You okay, sis?


Why not?


I'm just not okay.

You can tell me.

I help people now.

When's the last time you were happy?


When I was pregnant.


I'm gonna get a Lyft

to the Palisades. I need answers.

Well, I'll drive you there
after we drop Becca off.

What's one more stop?

BECCA (SLURRING): What's happening?

Uh, where are you taking her?!

We still have credits on Golden Tee.


Wait for me.

I love you!


- LINDSAY: Vernon, wake up.
- VERNON: Whoa.

Did we finally knock boots?

How many times did I gaz?

Oh, man! You narced me out!

You fell asleep during surg?

I was tossing a new hip into
old Fay Yoder and passed out.

I'm so tired, boo.

- Is she d*ad?
- I don't know, dummy.

I ran out of the hospital,
smashed my phone on a rock,

and taped the SIM card to a stray dog.

I got no insurance.


I let my insurance lapse.


I'm calling the hospital.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Gi... Give me my phone!


Here you are.

What do you want, Paul?

I need a letter of recommendation.

The adoption agency says
I'll have a better chance

with a character witness.

You're getting a baby?

I'm trying.

I was rejected from
most reputable agencies

because of my recent foray

into incendiary political movements.

I didn't know what they stood for.

I-I just thought they were a
bunch of guys who dressed well

and felt picked on, too.


I just want someone to
love and take care of.

But who am I kidding?

They'll never pick me.

What are these texts to Walter?!

Why'd you write you want to
"suck the gay out of him

through his d*ck hole"?

Because I'm not happy!

VERNON: You're not happy?

I'm not happy! No one's happy!

- I'm not happy.
- Paul's not happy.

BECCA: I don't care if Paul's happy.
I'm talking about whether I'm happy.

- PAUL: Yeah, but I'm not happy.
- VERNON: Who cares if you're happy?

- PAUL: I'm not happy.
- VERNON: I'm happy.

- I'd like to be happy, too.
- BECCA: I was born special,

and I was born deserving
happiness, and now look at me,

I'm miserable, I'm married to you.

I need to talk to Doug.

Sorry, man. He's meeting with
Raúl Castro and Al Franken

at the Ministerio del Interior.

Shit, I didn't tell you that.

I need someone to tell me

- what's going on.
- MAX: I can explain.

I'll leave you two alone.

I'll be in the float t*nk.

First we get split up,
then I get exiled to set,

and now you're ducking
my calls? What did I do?

I-I mean, I don't, I don't mean
to be overdramatic and assume

- it's me or anything, but...
- No, it's you.

I told Doug I don't want
to work with you anymore.

You triggered me.

Telling me about sad
things and poor people...

Why would you put that on me?

I'm having trouble sleeping.

I have PTSD from your w*r stories.

I have PTSD from w*r.

You know, Max,

I'm starting to think
you're just some rich kid

- who's never had any adversity.
- It's totally true.

The worst day of my life
was in eighth grade

when my dog Clarice got hip dysplasia.

Oh, no. Did she die?

No, she's fine. We got her a drone.

Come on, girl.


- She's .

She can't see or hear you.

I thought I was ready to
get in the muck with you,

but it turns out I just want to
chill out with simple people

who don't make me sad, like
Dutch and Seth MacFarlane.

- But you don't deserve to be on set.

Paul F. Tompkins is a bad, bad man.

We were at a party once in Venice,

and he stuffed a crow into a dishwasher.

I'll get Doug to fix it.



Okay, bye-bye.

That looked bad.

Oh, no. I mean... (CHUCKLES)

Max can't be my friend anymore, but...

he's a good guy.

Uh, no, he's not. He's repulsive.

And not because he has a
-year-old's mustache

and calls Manhattans "hatties,"

but because he puts conditions
on your friendship.

I mean, I guess it wouldn't
be the worst thing

for my personal growth were I
to try to be more available

for your stories and whatnot.

Uh, at this point, I think
that might be too weird.

Okay. Phew.

You know...

maybe it's time I be my own main dude.

I'm gonna walk for a bit.

Good luck.

So, should I...

Should I take you back?

Not yet.


It's cold A.F. out here.

Oh, I have my flannel in the car.

- I'll get it for you.
- No!

This time, I'll get it.

Oh... (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪


I'm moving in with Boone.

(SIGHS) Well...

that's good news, isn't it?

Yeah, it is good.

We're down a road.

He has a kid. She's cute.

- Why?
- He asked.

He put himself out there.

He said he wanted me, and
that means something.

But you're leaving town, right?

The bags in your trunk.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm moving to Cape Coral.

I heard you can swim
in Hemingway's pool.

I just thought I should say good-bye.

I'm glad you did.

If it's possible,

one day...

I'd still like to know you, Gretchen.

You know that's never gonna happen.

I know what needs to happen.

Paul, you are going to pay Becca

to surrogate your baby.



- Lindsay, that's truly insane.
- He isn't.

Paul, you deserve to have a family,

even if you have lesbian hair
and hate Thelma & Louise.

When two women take the
law into their own hands,

they're considered heroes.

But when Sheriff David Clarke...

No! No.

Becca, you guys are going to need money

to cover the inevitable lawsuit.

Besides, you were the
happiest you've ever been

when you were pregnant.

Everyone gave me presents
and wanted to touch me.

Where am I going to get an ovum?

Just use mine, already.

Of course, that will
heavily increase my fee.

Paul's got so much love in him.

He's not going away.

Maybe now the Cottumaccio family cycle

will finally get broken.

Um, Tallulah is a great baby.

- Eh...

I mean, is she?

And Vernon?

In. I'm in.


I guess I'll have my lawyers
draw up a contract. (LAUGHS)

Just as long as I get to watch.

Ew! They do it in a lab.

To be discussed.


I'm a helper.

Like that glove that makes hamburgers.


I'm sorry I b*rned your car.


♪ ♪

This guy hadn't even seen a computer

till I introduced it to him.

I think I should get at
least a million for that.

- BOONE: Babe!

We just cracked this Malbec.
You remember Whitney.

- Oh... Hi!
- Hi! Whitney!

- Gretchen? How are you?
- So nice to see you, yet again,

- here, now.
- Yeah, of course.

Gretchen, will you help me with
my poster for science class?

Sure, kiddo. Go get your crayons.

No flesh color, 'cause racism.

Neil was just telling us about
growing up with Mark Zuckerberg.

NEIL: We invented this
game using bottle caps.

And the next thing I know,

he's published it in the school paper,

with his name as the only author.

I couldn't believe it.

To this day, I have not joined Facebook.


- Oh, shit!

I'm sorry, Boone. I had to do it.

That's not Boone! That's
Whitney's husband! Mm...

Uh... what is your name again?

- Neil!
- Neil, right.

Wait, so is this the single
mum that you finger-b*mb?

What?! No!

Is there anyone in this house
who hasn't fingered my wife?!

Olivia can hear you.

I don't care! Olivia hates me!

I overheard her the other day
calling me Fatty McFartface.

Well, she is the fartface!

- Don't call my kid a fartface.

You do not touch me ever again!

- Boone, I'm sorry...

- Oh, God.

- Get, get...
- Let go, Boone!

- Get off him! Now!

We're leaving! Screw all of you!



Gretchen, I know this man
represents acceptance

and security and nights
binging prestige dramas,

but I couldn't live one more
day if I didn't at least fight

- for another chance...
- Hey! No.

- Hmm?
- You're done, Jimmy.

No, no! Lay off! The three
months I spent away

from you made me realize exactly
what a terrible mistake I made!

You don't know how sorry
I am! I'm so sorry.

- No!

You don't get to apologize!

I didn't leave Lindsay's
sh*thole apartment for that

entire three months!

I bought in,

finally, after a lifetime of
being too goddamned scared,

and you punished me for it!

Hey, hey, it's okay. Stop. Just...

(PANTING) It just confirmed
what I have always known.

At the end of the day, I'm unlovable.

Fundamentally. Always have been.

And you fell for me? Joke is on you!

Gretchen, no. (STAMMERS)

My leaving had literally
nothing to do with you!

I am tremendously messed up.

(PANTING) No, you left because I suck.

I left because I suck.

Do you really think you're unlovable?

JIMMY: You are very lovable!

Shut up. You are very lovable.

Look, yes, I got scared.
But I have changed.

I saw your bags packed in your car.

Why would I be with someone

who is always ready to bounce
when things get rough?

See? Gretchen is happy here.

I am a nice, successful, stable person,

and you're a bad guy who
left a girl on a hill.

And you only asked me to move in
because Lindsay told you not to.

- No, I was going to anyway.
- Gretchen, please.

- It's just, maybe not at that time.
- Every single day,

- I have met these people...
- But I was going to...


Oh, my God.

You guys are right.

My stupid parents made me feel
like I wasn't enough, so I

wait around for someone
to tell me I'm worthy?

That's insane.

I don't want to do that anymore.


Guys, I'm sorry.

I choose...


I choose...


♪ ♪





Jimmy! Jimmy!




You fought for me.

(SNIFFLES) And, besides,
you looked so sad

when I left, I realize I now
have the power to destroy you.

And why would I give that up?


Shit. Drive.





Oh, by the way...



♪ ♪


So, what are we thinking, October?

October could work.


- What the hell is wrong with you?!
- Who honks like that?!

- What are you, an ambulance?
- How dare you! My fiancée

- and I are talking!
- Didn't think so!

- You should just wait!
- You stupid cow!

- Jesus, some people.
- Really.

♪ Has got a violent streak ♪

♪ I think my face looks like glass ♪

♪ But my body feels plastic ♪

♪ Melt me into a bottle ♪

♪ I wish that I was a baby ♪

♪ Sucking on myself ♪

♪ Boogie down to the water ♪

♪ I thought that maybe ♪

♪ I could be the lake's daughter ♪

♪ Because I float like
an infant inside of it ♪

♪ Wait, it's too late ♪

♪ It's got... ♪
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