04x05 - Rock Enroll

[bunniefuu]

Ooh, he's so adorable.

It makes me want to have another All: No! Family photo taken.

Oh.

Okay, guys, listen up.

If you could describe me in one word, what would it be? Just say the first thing that comes to your mind.

- Go.

- Spirited.

- Annoying.

- Pushy.

Sausage.

Dad, what does that mean? That I want more sausa what are we talking about? What's with all the questions?

Oh, it's for my college applications.

I'm working on the most important part of all The personal essay.

So I have to write it based on one of these topics.

A single page.

It could determine my entire future.

essence of Teddy Duncan.

- Long-winded.

- Boring.

Sausage.

Well, I still haven't got my sausage.

Okay, topic number two.

Who is the most influential person in your life? Hello? Mom, why are you doing that?

Oh, I'm sorry, would you prefer ta-da or, ding, ding, ding, or you're looking at her? How about not gonna happen?

( Rock music playing )

Today's all burnt toast running late and dad jokes.

"Has anybody seen my left shoe?" I close my eyes, take a bite grab a ride, laugh out loud.

There it is up on the roof.

I've been there, I survived.

So just take my advice.

Hang in there, baby things are crazy.

But I know your future's bright.

Hang in there, baby, there's no maybe.

Everything turns out all right.

Sure life is up and down.

But trust me, it comes back around.

You're gonna love who you turn out to be.

Hang in there, baby.

Hey, guys, check this out.

A.V.M.is coming to Colorado.

Hey, that's great, dad.

What's A.V.M.? Teddy, how many times have we talked about this? No follow-up questions.A.V.M.

stands for animal, vegetable, mineral One of the greatest bands of the '80s.

They were a little bit punk, a little bit metal, a little bit glam.

I'm a little bit bored.

And I scored two tickets.

So who wants to come with me? Oh dad, I'd love to, but I have to work on my College Essay.

Oh yeah, and you know I probably should start mine too, it's only four years away.

You know what? You guys have no idea what you're missing.

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, PJ.

- Oh, hey, dad's in the kitchen.

- ( Shushing )

If PJ wants to go into the kitchen, let him go into the kitchen.

Mm.

- I feel so dirty.

- It gets easier.

Really?

( Doorbell rings )

- Are you Gabe Duncan?

- That depends.

Who are you? My name's Devon.

Are you gonna serve me with papers? No.

I go to your old school, Lincoln Elementary.

It's an honor to meet you, Sir.

Your pranks are legendary.

- It's Devon, you say?

- That's right.

Come on in, Devon.

I can't believe it's really you.

You know people still talk about the great toilet paper caper.

Uh-huh, one of my proudest moments.

You know I made the Principal cry.

You can't put a price on that.

I'm here because I need your help.

I want to prank one of my teachers.

Oh, sorry, kid.

My pranking days are over.

But hey, thanks for the trip down memory lane.

Too bad.

I was really hoping to get Mr.Singer.

( Dramatic Western theme )

Singer.

Mr.

Singer.

I thought I'd never have to hear that name again.

- You know him? - He was the meanest teacher I ever had.

I created The Duncan Dunk just for him.

The Duncan Dunk? It really does exist? I thought it was just a myth.

I dropped a bucket of glop on him so foul smelling His wife made him live in the garage for a month.

But he paid me back.

He made the rest of my 4th grade year a living nightmare.

He's doing the same thing to me.

I want to get him.

I want to get him bad.

I like your spirit, kid.

But are you prepared to do what it takes? The hard work? The meticulous preparation? The tireless training? What do you mean? We're gonna need about an hour.

Come back tomorrow after school.

All right.

I'll be here.

Gabe Duncan.

Ah, just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.

( Teddy's voice )

Okay, topic number three Choose your most embarrassing moment, and write about how the experience affected you.

Most embarrassing moment.

Most embarrassing moment Nothing there.

Next question.

Describe your family and the impact they've had on your life.

Way too much there.

Hey, honey.

How's it going? Not too good.

Still can't think of a topic for my College Essay.

Too bad you don't have one.

Oh, but you do.

My mother: My star? The most influential person I know is a lady with sparkle and glow.

She may not be tall, but she's got it all.

She even appears on a show.

Good Morning, Denver.

Weekdays at 8:00.

How many essays are gonna open with a limerick? Including mine? None.

You'll be back.

It's your room.

- Hey, Charlie.

- Where you going?

- To a concert.

- The Gurgles? Ah, I wish.

No, it's some old band dad loves.

I'm sorry.

Well, I'm not.

Dad does a lot of nice things for me, for all of us.

I'm glad I have a chance to do something for him.

Bob: You ready, PJ? You never make it easy, do you, dad? Who's that? So Mr.

Singer always enters his classroom first thing in the morning.

So the bucket must be in place the night before, which is tonight.

Got it.

Do you? What angle should the bucket be placed at? Um I don't know.

You don't Know.

I guess you don't got it, do you? No, Sir, I don't.

The bucket has to be at a 45-degree angle.

And the door has to be open exactly 3 inches.

Not two.

Not four.

Three.

Remember pranking is not just an art, it's also a science.

I should know.

I came up with this prank while flunking art and science.

I'm flunking those too! No way.

Nice! Okay.

Now let's talk glop.

Here are your ingredients Water-based paint, tuna oil for the smell, molasses for the consistency.

And of course, pancake batter.

Pancake batter? If there's a better way to hold chicken gizzards together, I have not heard it.

There's one more thing.

Wow.

One of your famous skull hoodies.

I want you to wear that tomorrow.

When Mr.

Singer wipes away that blinding glob, I want the first thing he sees to be that skull.

Then he'll know.

( Dramatic Western theme )

With all due respect, Sir, what happened to you? You know, I have no idea.

I come from a really nice family.

( Rock music playing )

Ha! I am so ready to rock.

Okay, let me tell you a little bit about A.V.M.

Little as possible, please.

Boys in the band.

You got mineral A.K.A.legendary drummer Cliff Ledge.

Then there's lead singer vegetable A.K.A.

Russell Sprouts.

What's animal's name? Steve.

Oh, man.

This traffic is awful.

Oh, you know what? Good thing your old man knows a shortcut.

Oh are you sure about this?

- Shouldn't we stay on the main road?

- No! We can't be late.

They open every show with their haunting ballad She's a Heifer.

The song always makes me cry.

First of all, let me just say Welcome, neighbors.

Thank you for coming.

As I'm sure you all know, I am applying to college.

Well, I am.

So I've decided to write my College Essay on the topic How have my neighbors shaped me into the person I am today? And that's where you guys come in.

I have a question.

Who are they? They're your neighbors, Bert.

Hence the words, "welcome, neighbors".

I'm Estelle Dabney.

And I'm Debbie Dooley.

How you doing? How am I doing? You really want to know? It's just a catchphrase I use, so no, thanks.

Ladies, this is Bert Dugan.

I know who he is.

He mows his lawn in those tiny shorts.

( Shudders )

You know what I always think is a fun fashion option? Pants.

Okay, all right, we're getting a little bit off topic.

Let's get back to the shaping.

Okay, so, what's the most valuable life lesson you've learned?

- Never marry a redhead.

- Or a deputy.

Or Fred Dabney.

Okay, guys, look, we've been living next to each other for all these years.

There must be some sort of impact we've had on each other's lives.

- I'd like to say something.

- Great, Bert, get us started.

Your Christmas lights are still up.

Up like those tiny, tiny shorts you wear.

Why, it's like the South of France right here in Denver.

As long as we're complaining, why do you leave your trash cans on the street?

- I never know when they're coming.

- Pickup is Tuesday.

Both: It's always Tuesday.

Yeah? What about holiday weeks, huh? Oh, you didn't think about that, did you? Well, think about this.

( Overlapping arguing )

Guys, stop.

Stop it.

Stop fighting and start shaping me.

You know, I used to think you were the good one, but you're just as bad as Abe and RJ.

- It's Gabe and PJ.

- Who cares? I'm out of here.

Right behind you.

Thanks for having us over.

Hope that helped.

It didn't at all.

Just another catchphrase, Sweetie.

Bye, now.

Gee, this road's getting kind of narrow, huh? Dad, we're not on a road.

We're driving in the woods.

It says it's a road on the GPS.

It says projected road.

( Brakes squeak )

Okay, all right.

Maybe we should just get back on the main drag.

( Gears shift )

( Tires spinning ) Great.

Stuck in the mud.

- Now what? - No problem.

No problem.

I paid extra for roadside assistance.

Let's see what they can do.

( Ringback tone ) Female operator: Roadside assistance.

What is your life-threatening emergency? Yes.

We're late for an A.V.M concert! Please hold.

( Easy listening music plays )

- You think she's coming back?

- I wouldn't.

( Teddy's voice ) Okay.

Question five.

If you could go back in time, what period of history would you choose and why?

( Yawns )

Oh, I need a break.

Maybe I'll take a little catnap.

Wake up ready to go.

Oh, look what Charlie drew.

Oh! Isn't that cute.

It's a It's a help me out here.

I think it's a hunter chasing a dinosaur.

Oh, Charlie.

Honey, dinosaurs have been extinct for like three years.

Oh, there he is.

Did you find a job yet? No.

It jungle out there.

Why does he talk like that? He's not as evolved as we are.

My Queen.

May I present the fool.

Yeah, about that.

Silence.

Amuse me.

Tell me a joke, and it better be funny or it's off with your heads.

- You go first.

- Oh, that's good.

I've been working on a new type of joke.

Okay.

Knock knock.

Who's there? That's as far as I got.

Executioner? Tough Castle, hmm?

( Whistling a tune ) Swell breakfast, mom.

Oh, thanks, hon.

This little sport sure seems to think so.

Hey, swell tie, pop.

Thanks, Champ.

I love Toby.

Well, of course you do, sweetheart.

Everyone's always happy in the '50s.

Look what I learned at the sock hop last night.

Whoa.

- Golly.

- Oh, jeez.

Ha! When is something interesting gonna happen? You don't think this is interesting? No.

I don't, and I need something for my essay.

Now, Teddy, maybe you should just forget that old essay.

Skip college, stay home with the family.

No, I can't stay home! I gotta get out of here.

( Sighs )

Yeah, nice bedhead.

Executioner? Oh, those were the days.

( Rock music playing )

We made it! Hey, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Oh! Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Excuse me.

Man, hope we didn't miss too much.

We're A.V.M.! Good night!

( Cheering ) Hey, all right, I'm here.

What's the problem? Um, I can't figure out the bucket.

See, this is what happens when you send a boy to do an older boy's job.

- So where is the bucket?

- It's inside.

All right.

Watch and learn, little man.

Ha!

( Groans )

( Chuckles )

- What just happened here?

- I'll tell you what happened.

Duncan got dunked.

You set me up.

I thought you hated Mr.Singer.

You mean, Uncle Rick? I trusted you, and you betrayed me.

Nice work.

I've waited four years to get you back, Duncan.

- I guess we're finally even.

- I guess we are.

For now.

Did he say "for now"? Mm-hmm.

Sweet Mama, what have I done? Well That was the worst night ever.

It's in the top five.

( Engine puttering ) And we're out of gas.

Top three.

( Chuckles )

( Laughs )

Oh.

PJ, I am so sorry I dragged you along on this awful night.

It's my fault for walking into the kitchen.

Oh, right.

Guess I should call roadside assistance again.

( Easy listening music playing ) I think we're still on hold.

- Should we wait?

- I wouldn't.

( Car approaching )

( Murmuring )

Is that a tour bus? There's somebody getting out.

You blokes need a ride? My sweet Lord.

It's Russell Sprouts! Do I look okay? How's my makeup? Are you sad?

( Sighs ) Yeah, Charlie.

I am.

Why? Well, because I can't think of what to write for my College Essay.

I know what you could write about.

Yeah? What? Mommy.

Really? Did mommy tell you to say that? No comment.

Okay.

Well, you tell mommy I'll figure something out.

Okay.

Good luck, Teddy.

Good luck, Teddy.

That's it! I can't believe I didn't think of that before.

It's perfect.

Well, Charlie.

I just sent in my first college application.

And thanks to you, I finally came up with a great topic for my essay.

It's all about these video diaries I've been doing.

See, I realized that I started making them to help you.

But as I went along, I learned a lot about myself.

And our crazy Wonderful family.

Richie? You're not gonna believe who I met last night.

Russell Sprouts.

( Squeals ) I know! I know! It was amazing.

We shared eyeliner tips.

Oh, yes, we did.

Yes, we did! Sometimes more crazy than wonderful.

Good luck, Charlie.

- Shoo-bop shoo-shoo-bop.

- Ooh.

- Shoo-shoo-bop shoo-shoo-bop.

- Ooh-oh-ooh.

Dip-dip-doo.

Today's all burnt toast.

Running late and dad jokes.

"Has anybody seen my left shoe?" Left shoe.

Close my eyes, take a bite.

Grab a ride, laugh out loud.

There it is up on the roof.

Ah-roo-oo-oo! Bob, honey.

Haven't you evolved yet? Me never win.