06x02 - Buckets of Baggage

[bunniefuu]

- [LUCIFER]

Oh!

- [CHLOE LAUGHS]

[LUCIFER LAUGHS]

- [BREAKING SOUND]

- [CHLOE]

Ow!

Ow!

[LAUGHS]

- [BREAKING SOUND]

- [LUCIFER AND CHLOE LAUGH]

[LUCIFER LAUGHS]

Oh, no, no.

Oh.

Oh!

- Oh!

- [CHLOE]

No.

[MUTTERS, LAUGHS]

[LUCIFER GRUNTS]

There's more!

- [CHLOE LAUGHS]

- [LUCIFER PANTING]

- [CHLOE PANTING]

Oh, God.

- [GRUNTS]

LUCIFER: Not quite yet, but... - That was something else.

- [BOTH SIGH]

- A good something else?

LUCIFER: Oh, absolutely. [CHUCKLES] I never thought Amenadiel's rod being used in my sex life would be such a great thing.

[BOTH LAUGH]

And I never thought that your invulnerability would have such extensive benefits.

LUCIFER: [PANTING] If I'd known all I had to do was love you, and that the simple act of loving you would make me feel worthy of you, which would then mean my body would no longer have to tell my unconscious mind to be vulnerable, allowing us to have no-holds-barred sex all night long, well, then... I would have done it much sooner.

[CHUCKLES]

- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

- Speaking of...

[AMENADIEL]

Lucifer!

LUCIFER: Would it k*ll you to knock?

Your door is an elevator!

[LUCIFER]

LUCIFER: Deary me. So, how's it hanging, big guy?

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

- [CONTINUES CHUCKLING]

- [SIGHS]

Your return to Heaven has been requested.

LUCIFER: Oh, the more things change.

[CHUCKLES]

You said this was the morning you would ascend.

LUCIFER: Did I?

- Yet here you are, in bed, scantily clad. Talk about things not changing?

[EXHALES]

It's time, Lucy. Time for you to assume your place on Father's throne.

[CHLOE]

Amenadiel, what's the rush?

Oh.

What she said.

The world needs a God.

[CHLOE]

Yeah, but your dad was on Earth for, what, a few months, and everything was fine.

Father may not have been in Heaven, but he was still God.

[CHLOE]

And Lucifer's been here for weeks.

And look, is the universe collapsing? Are frogs falling from the sky?

No. Not that we know of.

And, if the universe were to fall apart, don't you think you, of all angels, would know first?

I suppose you're right.

Still, what is he waiting for?

Well, becoming God is a big job.

Maybe he doesn't wanna go in half-cocked.

LUCIFER: I should definitely be full-cocked.

Chloe, it's a little too late to say he's not ready. We just fought a w*r for him.

LUCIFER: Well, technically, I did most of the fighting.

Amenadiel. Have a little faith in your brother. He'll get there. He always does.
Right, Lucifer?

LUCIFER: Oh, yes. Absolutely. Don't worry, I know just what I need to do.

LUCIFER: [EXHALES]

I need you to tell me what to do.

You need me to tell you what to do to be God?

Exactly. Well, you helped me with my troubles being the Devil. Why should the reverse be any different?

Thought I wasn't your therapist anymore.

[HESITATES]

LUCIFER: And look at what's happened. The world has no God. Clearly I belong on this couch.

Okay, so what is the problem?

LUCIFER: Well, I have seven billion problems and only love one.

Mm-hmm. What?

LUCIFER: Well, in order to be God, apparently, I need to care about all the humans on the planet. An impossible feat, seeing as I find a large majority of the human race to be insufferable.
Then I was thinking, Doctor, you help people...

I'd like to think I do, yes.

LUCIFER: I've seen some of your patients.

[CHUCKLES]

LUCIFER: I mean, talk about mouth-breathers. So, how is it possible that you're able to care about all of them?

Well, being a good therapist is about taking your own opinions out of the equation.

- Hmm.

- Listening without bias.

- Hmm.

- Keeping personal feelings to yourself.

LUCIFER: Oh, I think I understand.

- Probably not.

LUCIFER: You don't care about your patients at all.

That's definitely not what I was saying.

LUCIFER: So what you're saying is, I need to be able to help people that I don't care about.
If I prove I can do that, then I'll prove I can be God.

Well, I suppose you've had worse ideas.

LUCIFER: Yes, thank you, Doctor. You know, you really do have a very special way of helping me.

- [LINDA]

Hmm.

Hmm.

- Amazing.

[INHALES]

I suppose I do.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Hands out, head high ♪

♪ Prayers up to the sky ♪

♪ All day, and all night ♪

♪ Might just make it out the light ♪

- Oh.

Good morning.

- Even better now.

[CHUCKLES]

I mean, you know, because of you, not the dead body.

Oh.

Thanks, it's, um, it's good to see you too.

Um, I just noticed they were showing Supercop here.

I...

I love that movie.

- Oh, my gosh.

So do I.

- Really?

Yeah.

I mean, Jackie Chan is amazing, but personally, I love...

- [BOTH]

Michelle Yeoh.

- Yeah, she steals the whole thing.

Right?

She's such a badass.

She just comes out of nowhere.

Remember that part where she takes chopsticks and uses them as weapons?

She's like...

[WHOOSHES]

Then Jackie Chan throws a bunch of 'em.

- And then he's like...

- [BOTH]

"I scared 'em away!" Yeah.

It's funny, I actually, um, started taking karate lessons

- because of her.

- Really?

I mean, I got a long way to go before I reach Michelle Yeoh level, but...

Oh, it's just so fun, you know, to learn all the moves.

And then you got kicks.

- Dah!

Then you're like pow!

- Oh, easy.

Easy now!

[LAUGHS]

Oh.

[LAUGHS]

- It's okay.

I got it.

- [CHUCKLES]

Butterfingers.

- [PETE]

Got you.

It's all right.

- [ELLA]

Oh.

- Thanks.

Old butterfingers over here.

- Yeah.

- Don't worry.

I drop stuff all the time.

- [CHUCKLES]

Um, you know, if they're showing this thing all week, we should...

- m*rder!

- What?

I...

I mean...

I mean, a dead body.

Over there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, uh...

Victim is a John Doe, uh, no hits on prints, no wallet, just a burner phone with one number on it.

[CAROL]

Okay.

Any witnesses?

Nope.

Body was called in anonymously.

Oh.

All right.

Uh, I'll put a trace on the number.

I'll grab whatever footage I can from CCTV cameras in the area.

And what was the cause of death again?

Well...

must have been one angry woman.

Or Michelle Yeoh working on her moves.

Right, yeah.

Good one!

[CHUCKLES]

- [CAROL]

Yeah.

- [ELLA]

Oh.

- Oh, hey, Lucifer...

LUCIFER: Out of my way, Miss Lopez, I care about you. But you... I don't care about you at all. And that is why I'm going to help you.

[CHUCKLES]

[LUCIFER]

Personal barista at your service.

Don't drink coffee.

Ooh, a man after my own heart.

[SIGHS]

Okay, okay.

Um, look...

I appreciate what you're trying to do here, whatever that is, but like I told you at the crime scene, don't need your help.

LUCIFER: Well, unfortunately for both of us, I need you to need my help, so, come on, let me be the answer to your prayers.

I promise you, I am all good.

[SIGHS]

LUCIFER: I didn't wanna have to do this, but... one last time before I'm God. Tell me, Carol, what is it you truly desire?

Really, I'm all good.

LUCIFER: Oh. Did not have you as the complex type. But come on...

[SNAPS FINGERS]

there must be something in there, huh?

[EXHALES]

I want someone I can spend the rest of my life with. Someone who loves me for who I am.
Somebody I can wake up next to in the morning and just totally connect with.

LUCIFER: Oh, I see.You want sex.

No! What? No!

LUCIFER: Well, you are in luck, my friend, because you are looking at a literal sex god. One determined to help you get laid.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, no, I am pretty sure I don't need your help to find the right person.

Hmm.

Besides, if I've gone this long...

LUCIFER: Oh, I see. I mean, I get a bit squirrelly myself after a dry patch.
How long's it been exactly?

I...I don't know, , maybe ...

LUCIFER: Days? Oh, that's awful.

Months.

LUCIFER: Fifteen months?

Shh!

LUCIFER: How can you even walk properly? Yeah, thank future me I'm here. We need to remedy this situation immediately.

I do not understand what is happening right now, but I can tell you this, I don't need your help to have sex.

Uh, I could just come back later.

Um, no, Ella, we were just, uh, talk...

- [GROWLS]

- [CHUCKLES]

Uh, I'm sorry.

What's up?

Um, well, we got the CCTV footage back from the crime scene.

Uh, the actual m*rder took place out of frame, but we did get this.

- Huh.

Is she carrying...

- Bags.

And the names on those bags are all brand names of shoes.

Well, the running is very suspicious.

Yeah, especially because the COD was a stiletto to the neck.

Can we run the plates?

Already done.

Kate Jacobs.

And guess what.

Her phone number matches the one in the victim's burner.

Okay.

Looks like I got a date with the shoe lady.

[CLAPS]

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Not a date.

Uh, it is a...

It's...

I have an interrogation with the shoe lady.

Uh...

[CHUCKLES]

- [GASPS]

- Not a date!

- It's...

[SIGHS]

- [LUCIFER CHUCKLES]

A date with the shoe lady?

Maybe she'll give you the horn.

[CHUCKLES]

Shoe horn.

Thank you, Lucifer.

So much.

Now, if you'll please excuse me, like I said, I do not need your help.

I need your help.

[SIGHS]

Oh, yeah.

Come in.

I'm going a little stir crazy, actually.

It's taking a while for Lucifer to start running the family business.

And it's fine.

I trust him.

I'm just not used to having this much time on my hands.

Anyhow, what's up?

Uh, it's that guy.

Carol.

You know, Detective Corbett.

It's just, uh...

It's just that, you know, well, he's nice.

Okay?

Maybe a little too nice.

And suspiciously normal, and it's just...

I mean, he's just too good to be true.

You like him.

Aw.

No, no, no "aw." Okay, I mean, I love kung fu movies, okay?

And apparently, he loves kung fu movies too, but I mean, he's clearly lying to manipulate me, right?

I mean, what are the chances we both like the same thing?

Um, well, you pretty much like everything, Ella, so pretty high.

ELLA: Okay, fine, but he's also just super cute and insanely polite, says all the right things, and he picked up my bag. Who does that?

He reminds you of Pete, huh?

[SIGHS]

It's just really hard to trust someone after your last BF was an SK.

Serial k*ller.

Well...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Carol isn't a serial k*ller. And he was one of Dan's best friends.

- Yeah!

But you didn't know that Pete was a serial k*ller and neither did Dan.

Right.

Good point.

Well, what would help?

I don't know.

Knowing every single thing about him.

You're saying you wanna investigate?

What?

You mean, like, stalk him on Facebook or see if he's on Instagram?

No, no. I'm thinking more along the lines of the, uh, precinct personnel files.

Oh!

I...

I don't know about that.

I mean, I...

I just...

Maybe I just overreacted.

No, no, no.

It's good.

It's good to do a little recon.

You have to know what you're getting into.

- Come on.

- Right.

I didn't k*ll him.

I sell designer accessories.

He was my best client.

Okay.

So if you didn't k*ll him, why did you run from the scene of the crime?

Well, we were supposed to be meeting up for a sale, but when I got there, I found him dead.

I panicked.

I mean, I still called it in, though.

[LUCIFER]

What a stand-up citizen, wouldn't you agree, Detective Corbett?

Who is that?

That's nobody.

Please ignore him.

So, if the victim was one of your best clients, why didn't you wait for the police to arrive?

I mean, unless your goods are stolen.

[EXHALES]

I can neither confirm nor deny that.

[LUCIFER]

What you cannot deny is the chemistry between you two.

[LAUGHS]

Seriously, who is that?

[LUCIFER]

This is the voice of God.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Lucifer, please get out of there.

[LUCIFER]

I'm here for you, so as you wish.

- [HANGS UP]

- [CAROL SIGHS]

Okay, um...

Lucifer, that was not an invitation for you to come in here.

Leave, please.

Assertive yet polite. An attractive combo, wouldn't you say?

I am so sorry about this.

Also thoughtful and sensitive.

It makes you wanna jump his bones, doesn't it?

[CHUCKLES]

What is going on here?

I am here to facilitate a love connection.

- I know you two have so much in common.

- Shh!

Kate, you are a criminal, and Carol here catches criminals.

So, see?

Perfect.

CAROL: She is a person of interest in a m*rder investigation.

- So you're saying you're interested?

- [KATE]

No, whoa!

- I'm not still in trouble, am I?

- Well, that depends, Miss Jacobs.

Do you have any information that could be useful to us?

Maybe the name of the victim, for starters.

I have his first name.

Fred.

I don't ask a lot of my clients, just that they pay in cash.

- Of course.

[CHUCKLES]

- Of course.

Uh, can you think of anything else?

Oh, well, Fred was always buying this woman Fiona shoes.

But lately I've been hearing about another woman.

In fact, I actually heard them arguing on the phone.

And she sounded jealous.

Hmm.

Messy love triangle, speaks to a motive.

Uh, do you know the other woman's name, by any chance?

Busty.

It's a weird name, right?

That's why I remember it.

Wait.

I know a drag queen named Busty who performs at Hamburger Mary's.

Busty Bazoongas.

There can't be two of those.

- [LAUGHS]

Pun intended.

- [CAROL]

Okay.

Well, it fits with high-end accessories, and it is the only lead we have.

Miss Jacobs, you are free to go, as long as your alibi checks out, of course.

- [KATE]

Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

See?

You helped me, buddy.

So, thank you and goodbye!

You are welcome.

[SIGHS]

Don't feel any different.

Come on, Marty, just try my badge one more time.

Miss Decker, you are no longer a detective.

And, Lopez, you don't have access.

Sorry, ladies, rules are rules.

- Marty, artisan doughnut truck's here.

- Ooh!

[SIGHS]

[KEYS JANGLE]

[SIGHS]

Well, we tried.

- You know, he's right.

- Mm-hmm.

I mean, rules are rules, and...

they're there for a reason but, you know...

- maybe it's for the best.

- [UNLOCKS DOOR]

[ELLA]

Because, who knows?

Ella, look. The lock, it's just...

[CLEARS THROAT]

... broken.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Well...

Yeah.

- Oh.

Oh, you're gonna just...

- Come on.

Uh...

okay, yeah.

I...

guess, um, if we're quick.

Oh, God.

♪ I'm a ten out of ten ♪

♪ That's why I'm so confident ♪ ♪ I'm a ten out of ten ♪

♪ On every continent ♪

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, aren't you an all-American slice of pie!

[CHUCKLES]

Table for one, hopefully?

Unfortunately not.

I am Detective Carol Corbett, LAPD.

I'm actually here to ask a couple of questions.

Um, could you tell me where a Miss...

Bazoongas, uh, would be?

Busty.

Yeah, she's about to go on.

She's just running a skosh behind.

Poor thing.

She barely had time to tuck.

[SIGHS]

Our regular headliner didn't bother to show tonight.

Frickin' Fiona.

Hmm.

So Fiona works here too?

Mm-hmm.

Would you say that Fiona and Busty have a hostile relationship at all?

[LAUGHS]

Fiona Fierce!

She's literally hostile with everyone.

Let me ask you something, though.

Why are all detectives called "dicks"?

- Uh, you're a detective?

- [CAROL]

Yes.

Hi.

I'm the club's manager, Niles.

Can I help you?

- Great.

Um, thank you.

- [KISSES]

So sorry to bother you.

I am investigating the m*rder of a man named Fred.

- What?

- Fiona is dead?

[SCOFFS]

God, she was a bitch, but she was our bitch.

Wait, Fiona is Fred's drag persona?

That means that Busty was actually fighting with Fred right before he d*ed.

Wait, wait, wait.

You think Brian did this?

- Who's Brian?

- Uh, Brian's drag persona is Busty.

- The queen taking Fiona's spot.

- Busty, got it.

Okay.

Excuse me, Detective, I have to go cue up the show.

[CAROL]

Of course.

[BUSTY]

Hello, hello, hello.

Are you ready for an amazing show?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[BUSTY]

All righty, welcome, ladies and gentle ladies!

Oh, who am I kidding?

I know you're all b*tches and whores.

Am I right?

[LAUGHS]

Now, I want you to clap your hands louder than my cheeks while watching a Ryan Gosling movie during a thunderstorm, because we have a very special performance coming up, one this queen would k*ll for.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS, SHOUTS]

My dear friend joining me on stage puts the "ass" in "classy," just the "tip" in "tipsy" and puts the "hot" in "ooh, hot!" And he loves a tramp.

- [CHEERING]

- [SHOUTING]

♪ Tramp, tramp ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah! ♪

♪ She gets too hungry ♪

♪ For dinner at eight now ♪

♪ She hates the theater ♪ ♪ But she never comes late ♪

♪ And Miss Thing never bothers ♪ ♪ With the people that she hates ♪

♪ And that's why the lady is a tramp ♪

Lucifer Morningstar!

♪ She gets massages ♪ ♪ She howls, and she moans ♪

♪ Tells Slenderella ♪ ♪ Just to leave her alone ♪

♪ She's not so hot ♪

♪ But her shape is her own ♪

♪ That's why, that's why ♪ ♪ The lady is a tramp now ♪

♪ She loves the free ♪ ♪ Fresh wind in her hair ♪

♪ Life without care ♪

♪ She's broke ♪

- ♪ And that's oke ♪

♪ Hates California ♪

- ♪ So smoggy and damp ♪

- Ha-ha!

♪ That's why the lady is a tramp now ♪

♪ She flew down to London ♪ ♪ And left me behind ♪

♪ And I missed the crowning ♪ ♪ But I didn't mind ♪

♪ She won't play Scarlett ♪ ♪ In Gone with the "Wind" ♪

♪ It's gotta rhyme ♪

♪ That's why the lady is a tramp now ♪

♪ She likes to go rowing ♪ ♪ Down on Central Park lake ♪

♪ She picks ♪ ♪ A prize fight that isn't a fake ♪

♪ Why, she even goes to the opera ♪

♪ And stays wide awake ♪

[CHUCKLES]

♪ That's why the lady is a tramp now ♪

♪ I like the green grass under my shoes ♪

♪ Now what can I lose... lose ♪

- ♪ She's flat ♪

- ♪ Oh, that's that ♪

♪ She's all alone when I lower my lamp ♪

♪ That's why the lady ♪

♪ That's why the lady ♪

♪ That's why the lady is a tramp ♪

Lucifer Morningstar, ladies and gentlemen!

- Thank you!

- You never know where he's gonna turn up.

Ooh.

[CHUCKLES]

Ooh and ooh!

[SIGHS]

Whoa.

It says here Carol was in vice.

Wow. Infiltrated a city-wide meth ring? Takes a special kind of person to pull that off.

ELLAL: Yeah. Yeah, a liar person.

- Shh. Trixie's sleeping.

- [HUFFS]

But I mean, isn't that what undercover cops do? Run around, pretending to be something they're not?

- And...and he did it for three years.

- Mm. Two years.

Looks like he took, uh, a year off after vice.

Wait a second. You're saying that after he was a professional liar, he just vanished?

ELLAL: Chloe, that's even worse. Who knows what he was doing?

Well, working undercover can be extremely stressful. He probably just took some time off to decompress. Cops do it all the time.

- [SIGHS]

Ella, I hate to say it, I just don't think there's anything left to investigate here.

[SIGHS]

ELLAL: Yeah.Yeah, you're probably right.

[BUSTY]

Well, did you find the k*ller?

It seems that you are the main suspect at the moment.

Say what now?

Look, in Busty's defense, I did hear Fiona was a bit of a bitch.

Yeah, Fiona was a raging ball of a bitch, but she became my mentor.

I've always been something of a comedy queen.

And lately I've been working on serving more fish.

- Hmm?

- Upping her beauty game.

Oh.

Nobody does Glamazon like Fiona Fierce.

[CHUCKLES]

She was helping me revamp my entire drag persona.

She even gave me this... this really cute pair of heels.

Oh.

From Kate?

Yeah.

Kate told us that she heard you and Fiona arguing on the phone.

Oh, we argued like trailer trash in a Walmart parking lot on Black Friday.

[LAUGHS]

And for good reason.

[SIGHS]

Everybody sees drag as this pinnacle of self-discovery, that once you've found this world, this life, that's it.

You're supposed to be this fierce idol that's got it all figured out.

Godlike.

Almost.

Owning oneself down to the last manicured nail.

But confidence is a work in progress.

I mean, when is anyone's chicken ever fully cooked?

You know what I mean?

Yes.

Drag saved me.

This makeup, this jewelry, this is my armor.

And Fiona helped me see that even though the paint can give strength, it still has to come from within.

I think I was holding part of myself back 'cause I was afraid that...

well, that if I put too much effort into being...

it sounds stupid, a pretty queen...

that people would laugh at me, and not in a good way.

But if we're gonna change the world, and, hunty, we are...

[LUCIFER EXHALES]

... queens like me gotta work on facing all of our fears, and knowing we're enough.

If you don't mind me asking, uh, what exactly were you and Fiona arguing about?

Fiona was pushing me.

I didn't always wanna hear it.

But I knew what she was saying.

Yes.

I am Busty Bazoongas.

[CHUCKLES]

But until I can look within and own that, I will never be...

Who you're truly meant to be.

Yeah.

And we truly wanna find the k*ller.

Good luck on that one.

[CHUCKLES]

As I said, Fiona's list of enemies was as long as my luxurious wig.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, well, at least I have the full legal name now.

I can get into financials and emails...

Well, maybe you and Busty can do that together.

Over a candlelit dinner.

[EXHALES]

Oh!

Okay, I'm flattered.

- And you... you are adorable.

- [CHUCKLES]

But I'm afraid this queen's long-term beau would object.

[CHUCKLES]

Right.

[BUSTY CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

Oh, look, don't give up hope quite yet.

Maybe the hostess is single.

She seemed taken with you.

Sure, and she's great, but not what I'm looking for.

Okay, well, just because I don't care about you doesn't mean you can't care about somebody, so what are you looking for?

[SIGHS]

I don't know.

Uh, somebody with a great heart, who's kind and smart and gives great hugs

- and has amazing T-shirts...

- Wait, h-hang on.

- What?

- You're describing Miss Lopez.

[SCOFFS]

No, I'm not.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, fine, I am, but don't say anything.

Okay, because pretty sure she doesn't think of me like that.

Of course she doesn't.

You're monochromatic, and I'm not just talking about your clothes.

But I have good news for you.

I happen to know Miss Lopez very well, which means I'm ideally qualified to help you transform into the kind of man she would be interested in.

- Mm-hmm.

- Let me be your Fiona.

Great.

Wait, no!

What?

- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

- ♪ Pull me under ♪

Um, excuse me.

You're excused.

[NURSE]

Hey!

Who are you?

Did you escape from your room?

[SCOFFS]

Chill, Ratched.

I'm not a damned soul.

Oh, well, you're not a demon.

Ding, ding.

You are correct.

Look, I was just on a break and I kind of have to get back, but whoever you are, you're really not supposed to be here.

[CHUCKLES]

Seriously!

You are really not supposed to be here.

You're an angel?

I don't understand.

Who are you?

What are you doing here?

Came to see him.

Michael!

Oh, uh, um..

Sorry.

Nobody's allowed to talk to the prisoner.

Something I can help you with?

Sure, wanna help me destroy Lucifer Morningstar?

- Yeah, I didn't think so.

- Wait, wait!

You don't want Michael's help.

He failed.

Badly.

Epically is more like it.

And that's why I wanna talk to him.

I need to know what he did wrong, so I don't make the same mistakes.

Oh, simple.

He overthought everything.

His plan was way too complex.

He shoulda just walked right up to Lucifer and sh*t him like that stupid human did.

That guy actually got closer to destroying Lucifer than anyone else.

What stupid human?

- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

- [CHATTERING]

Carol?

Whassup?

Um, have you seen Lucifer anywhere?

He wanted me to meet him here.

Maybe I have, maybe I haven't.

I mean, I haven't, though.

- Oh.

- Um...

Do you wanna maybe take those off?

No, I do all my best work in the dark.

Not in a creepy way, but, you know, in a... bad boy kind of way. Cause I'm a bad boy.

[SLURPS]

Are you undercover?

No.

This is just how I roll, after-hours style.

You know what I'm saying? This is all me. I mean, not...

it's not really me, but I mean, it is me.

- I mean, it's me, me...

- Are you high?

No, no, okay, you know what?

Um, okay.

This was a huge mistake.

You know what?

That we can agree on.

- Okay.

- Okay, but just because we agree, doesn't mean we're good for each other.

Wait.

Hold on.

What?

- I...

I gotta go!

- Do you think...

wait, Ella!

Oh, leaving so soon?

I just had the weirdest...

Never mind.

Where were you?

Well, I saw you two lovebirds, and I didn't wanna interrupt, 'cause I know how much you love a bad boy.

ELLAL:What? No, no. I do not love bad boys, okay? Because bad boys are, well, bad.
I actually hate them.

Oh, well, I wish you would've informed me of this personal growth.

Duly noted.

ELLAL: Wait a second. This was all your doing, wasn't it?

Yes, it was. So apart from his name, please don't be upset with Carol. Just tell me what you're looking for now and I'll make the necessary adjustments.

ELLAL: [SIGHS] I don't even know. I mean, I thought I liked Carol the way he was, but I don't even know who that is. I mean, he clearly knows how to lie.

Like I said, that was my doing, and technically, it's not a lie.

ELLAL: But he was willing to go along with it, Lucifer. Willing to manipulate me and the point is I don't know if I can trust him. I mean, if he can lie about being a bad boy, then maybe he is lying about "liking" kung fu movies. And next thing you know, he's got a secret room full of m*rder flowers.

Oh, right. I see. You're suffering from Pete-TSD.

[SIGHS]

I just...

ELLAL: I mean, it figures too, with everything feeling so strange, like God's gone.

I...

ELLAL: I've been pretending like he's still up there, but I'm gonna need the real deal for this Carol situation, and... I've been trying really hard, but... I just can't feel him.

Well, I'm sure that somebody somewhere is trying to remedy that.

Unfortunately for you, you're not the person he needs to help right now.

Unless, if me helping you prove that Carol isn't a lying, cheating serial k*ller can actually help him.

Conundrum averted.

Miss Lopez, I'll do it.

Do what?

- [CLICKS]

- [LUCIFER]

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

I always forget what an excellent pick-lock you are, Miss Lopez.

[GROANS]

ELLAL: Let's just do what we came here to do before I change my mind and Carol comes home from work.

Hmm.

[SIGHS]

Ooh. Posh, if bland, furniture. Photograph of his mom.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, kung fu posters everywhere, see?

He's clearly what he presents to be, a poster boy for beige. And since that's what you're going for these days, you win!

And so do I.

Come on.

I can't leave until I see what's in his closet.

[INHALES]

[GROANS]

Will the helping never end?

Come on, what are you waiting for?

Open it.

Right.

Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[PANTS]

[BLOWS]

[GASPING]

Oh!

Okay.

[KNOCKING]

Okay.

No secret room.

[GASPS]

No m*rder flowers.

[SIGHS]

ELLAL: Ah! Nothing scary.

Well, speak for yourself. Personally, I am terrified at the amount of khakis he owns.

Goodness me. Wait a second.

[PANTS]

ELLAL: There's still that missing year. What was he doing that whole time?

Miss Lopez, Carol is not Pete.

Maybe you'll just have to accept that this one is just a good guy.

And that you deserve that.

[EXHALES]

You're right.

You're right.

I...

I've been doing the work on me, and I've accepted my darkness. And I still love myself, damn it.

- [CHUCKLES]

And Carol is the result. A perfectly normal, super-sweet guy.

Excellent. Now go forth and bed your man.

- That's not what I'm...

- No need to thank me. All in a God's day's work.

- We should get out.

Actually, no, I think I might send for a maid service to enhance your bedding experience before you get... down and dirty.

ELLAL: What the hell is that?

It appears to be a locked human-sized trunk at the foot of his bed.

- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

- [VOCALIZING]

♪ Now when you walk on air ♪

♪ Make fire breathe, ooh... ♪

You wanna go on a bounty with me?

Yeah, I think it'd be fun.

My schedule is wide open.

Oh, Lucifer told me you're not going down to Hell.

Oh!

Congratulations on the engagement.

- Thanks.

- [CHLOE]

Yeah.

So I figured you were probably busy planning the wedding, so maybe I can help.

[CHUCKLES]

Something's off with you.

What?

No, no.

No, I'm just bored.

Really.

Okay.

Well, I don't have any bounties right now, but if anything come up, I'll let you know.

Hold on!

So...

[EXHALES]

... if I'm gonna be helping you out, maybe you can help me out with, um...

[CLEARS THROAT]

... some sparring lessons?

Sparring lessons.

- Mm-hmm.

- [CHUCKLES, INHALES]

No offense, Decker, but I'd snap you like a twig.

- [GRUNTS, EXHALES]

- ["CONQUER" BY DANGER TWINS PLAYING]

What the hell was that?

I said I wanna spar, bitch.

Bitch.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay.

Okay.

Don't say I didn't warn you, bitch.

♪ I was born to win... ♪

[GRUNTING]

♪ Gonna be the champion... ♪

- Come on.

- [SHOUTS]

♪ So let the games begin... ♪

[GRUNTING]

♪ I came to conquer ♪

♪ Whoa-oh!

Let's roll! ♪

♪ Up, up and away we go... ♪

- [GRUNTING]

- [SHOUTING]

♪ Whoa-oh!

Let's roll... ♪

We done?

[STAMPS FOOT]

[EXHALES]

♪ 'Cause I came to conquer ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪

[SHOUTS]

People lock things up all the time.

It doesn't make it nefarious.

Perhaps he's just housing his nicest pair of chinos.

Yeah, yeah, or a dead body!

Don't be ridiculous, we'd smell it.

Okay.

Maybe something's wrong with Carol.

M-maybe something is wrong with me, but I have to know what's in there, Lucifer.

- Tsk.

Tsk.

Tsk.

- [GASPS]

- I...

- What?

I...

I can't pick that lock.

I've got bolt cutters in my car.

- Miss Lopez!

- [METAL CLANGS]

Oh, would you look at that?

Lock's broken.

- Two broken locks in two days.

- Hmm.

- Weird.

- Hmm.

Okay.

Open it.

Alcohol?

[LUCIFER]

Well, it is a fairly good bottle of Scotch, but this seems like overkill.

"One day at a time." Carol's a recovering alcoholic.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, that is fantastic news!

I mean, well, no m*rder flowers, right?

We shouldn't be here.

- [CELL PHONE RINGING]

- Uh.

ELLAL: Oh, my gosh, it's Carol. What do we do?

Well, I believe it's customary to answer it.

- Right.

Yeah.

- [LAUGHS]

ELLAL: Hey, Carol, what you doing? You're not, uh, headed home, are you?

[CAROL]

Uh, no, I'm actually at Fred's apartment.

Oh!

Yes, that's great.

Uh-huh.

I looked through his records, and I couldn't find anything, so I figured I'd stop by here and see if I could find something, and I think that I did.

Right.

Uh...

Somebody broke in, and they rifled through Fred's computer, which is currently open to a calendar event for his meeting with Kate.

Oh, uh, gotcha.

Oh, so you're saying that, um, that someone went there looking for Fred, and they didn't find him, but they found the address on his computer, and they went to confront Fred there?

Exactly.

So I was hoping you could come over and dust for prints because I am guessing whoever broke in here is probably our k*ller.

Oh.

I mean, fingerprints?

ELLAL: Oh, right. I can totally do that, 'cause it's not like I'm doing anything important.
You know, I'm just hanging out by myself.

Okay, great. Um, I am at Maplehurst.

Oh, wow, that's right around the corner.

Really?

[CHUCKLES]

That's funny.

I live close by here too.

I guess we're neighbors.

[CHUCKLES]

Wow, what a coincidence!

Uh, see you soon.

[SIGHS]

- [EXHALES]

- Yeah, okay, um, uh...

[CHUCKLES]

Bye.

[EXHALES]

[SHUDDERING]

So much for wiping my tracks.

Now you've seen me.

Okay.

- Niles, it's Niles, right?

Why don't...

- [GASPS]

Why don't you just put the Kn*fe down, Niles, and then we can have a talk, okay?

Unh-unh.

[SNIFFLES]

I'm getting out of here, and I don't wanna hurt you, but I will if I have to, so just...

[EXHALES]

Let me think.

Um...

Okay.

Go ahead, think.

- Handcuff yourself to that table.

- [SCOFFS]

- Niles.

- Do it!

Okay.

You got it.

Okay?

Just give me a second.

[HANDCUFFS CLICKING]

- We good?

- [HUFFS]

[SOBS]

This was all an accident.

You know?

[SHUDDERS]

I just wanted to talk to Fred, but things escalated, got physical, and we fell.

It wasn't until I got up that I even saw the heel in his neck.

You said you wanted to talk to him.

What did you wanna talk to him about, Niles?

He was sleeping with my boyfriend!

I saw the shoes Fred sent him.

The little love note he put in the box.

"So you can see yourself the way I see you.

Truly beautiful."

- [LUCIFER]

This one.

Pretty...

- [ELLA]

Hey.

Carol?

We're okay.

We're good.

We're good.

- Right, Niles?

- [SOBBING]

Niles.

Your boyfriend...

It's Brian, isn't it?

- [CONTINUES SOBBING]

- [LUCIFER]

Busty.

I love him so much.

[SOBS]

But he started acting strange.

You know, secretive.

So when the shoes arrived, it all clicked.

Fred was having an affair with him!

Fred was helping Brian be a better Busty.

They weren't having an affair.

Yes, they were!

It's happened to me before.

With my ex.

He cheated on me too.

[BLUBBERS, EXHALES]

Lied.

Hid things from me.

No, no, Brian was doing all the same things!

Your ex fooled you, but you weren't gonna miss it again.

Right?

Just because somebody hurts you doesn't mean the next person's gonna do the same thing.

[NILES]

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

He... he was cheating.

I...

- I know it.

- [WHISPERS]

Supercop.

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Well done, Miss Lopez.

And...

- [NILES COUGHS]

- [GRUNTS]

- [HANDCUFFS CLICK]

- [SOBBING]

[PANTING]

- [CAROL]

Come on.

- [GRUNTS]

[CAROL SIGHS]

[CHLOE GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

[CHLOE CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

Okay.

I'm out.

[SIGHS]

What?

So soon?

- We just started.

- [CHUCKLES]

Well...

you really are enjoying this super-strength stuff, huh?

Yeah, it's fun!

To have this much power?

I mean, you would know, you love it.

Yeah.

I love it.

It's great.

You know what else I love?

Sleep.

I'm out.

Wait!

Same time tomorrow?

Yeah?

Chloe, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Why wouldn't I be?

Well, like you said, I have a wedding to plan, so I'm gonna pass on tomorrow.

[CHATTERING OVER POLICE SCANNER]

- [CAROL]

You got him?

- Mm-hmm.

[CAROL]

Okay, thank you.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Niles' story matches the autopsy report, so it wasn't premeditated, and hopefully that will be reflected in his sentence.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah.

Um, hey.

Um, hold on just, um, one second.

I'm sorry.

About the other day at Lux, the...

the...

- After-hours Carol.

That is not me.

- Oh.

I was just taking some very bad advice because, um...

[SIGHS]

Well...

I'm just gonna say it.

I like you.

ELLAL: I broke into your place.

- You did what?

ELLAL: I stole your personnel file. I worried about your vice days and that missing year, and I broke in. And I found your trunk. And I opened it, which I... I know is something that is yours to tell in... in your own time and...

It's okay. I'm not ashamed of it. It's just, it's something that doesn't come up in casual conversation, and as for the year, uh, that is missing, I... I was in rehab. And when you get out of rehab, they tell you to take things slowly. Everything. Including dating. And I think that's maybe why I've been so buttoned up. And since I got out, I've just been struggling to figure out who I am again.

And being around you, it's just... It's just easy.

I'm just the best version of myself again.

[EXHALES]

Well, I...

I get it.

I mean, figuring out who you really are is quite the journey.

- Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

ELLAL: And I am so sorry for what I did, Carol.

And...okay, not that this is any excuse whatsoever, but, um... [CLICKS TONGUE]... the last guy I dated was sort of a, um, serial k*ller. And, uh, that sort of thing tends to lead to a little mistrust in the romance department.

Wow. I guess that's one more thing we have in common, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

Baggage.

- Yeah.

Buckets of baggage.

- [CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

ELLAL: So you're not mad?

Well, it's not great that you broke into my apartment and stole my personnel file, but, um, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's a sign you like me too?

You still wanna go see Supercop?

Yeah.

Cool.

[CHUCKLES]

- Great.

- All right, great.

Just...

just one more, just tiny thing.

Um...

Promise me that if you ever wanna know anything, um, about me, ever again, that, uh, that you'll just ask.

ELLAL: Deal.

Great.

- [CHUCKLES]

See ya.

- [LAUGHS]

[ELLA AND LUCIFER CHUCKLE]

[INHALES, EXHALES]

[SIGHS]

Damn.

[GROANS]

[EXCLAIMS]

Hey!

Oh, sorry.

Were you using this?

Ah, finally!

[LAUGHS]

An opponent.

Thinking I'd be Forrest Gumping forever.

Here you go.

Ball up.

RORY: [LAUGHS] I'm not here for ping-pong.

Oh, whoa, holy wow! Those are... Wait a minute.

Did Lucifer send you?

RORY: Not exactly. But he is the reason why I'm here.

- Huh?

RORY: Ugh! You're ruining all my cool lines.

- [SIGHS]

RORY: I heard you almost k*lled the Devil.

Yeah.

Almost.

It was one of the worst things I've ever done.

In fact, I feel really guilty about it. Very guilty, in fact.

Well, everyone makes mistakes.

Speaking of, how did you get so close to k*lling him, exactly?

I was manipulated. By an angel.

RORY: Ah. Michael, right?

- Mm-hmm.

RORY: Yeah, I know him. He's the worst.

[SIGHS]

RORY: Honestly, you shouldn't b*at yourself up about it. I mean, lots of humans, even angels, have fallen for his lies. But I'd love to hear your side of the story.

[LAUGHS]

You're trying to manipulate me too, aren't you? What, you think I'm stupid?

- No sh*t, Sherlock.

- Well, you know what? I'm not gonna help you hurt Lucifer. I don't care who you are. For all I know, that's what got me into Hell in the first place.

RORY: Suit yourself. But just so you know, Lucifer's not the only one who likes to make deals.
And, um, I think I know something you might be interested in.

[CHUCKLES]

What could you possibly do for me?

RORY: I can get you out of here.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, right.

It's not possible.

RORY: Except it is.

[INHALES]

Look, Lucifer said he's still trying to figure out a way, so...

[CHUCKLES]

RORY: What's there to figure? It's easy. I can just fly you up to Earth. Any angel can. And we all know it.

So then why would Lucifer leave me down here for thousands of years?

RORY: No clue, but he did. Anyway, if you're not interested...

Wait. Maybe I can help you.

[EXHALES]

RORY: Look who's not so stupid after all.

[EXHALES]

You're still awake?

Mm.

[INHALES]

LUCIFER: Yes, and not in a good way.

Maybe I can help with that.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

So?

How was your day, honey?

[SCOFFS]

Oh, uneventful.

You?

You feeling godly yet?

LUCIFER: Well, I helped Carol, but then I was genuinely happy when he and Miss Lopez worked out.

And that's a bad thing?

LUCIFER: Happy for both of them, which means somewhere along the way I ended up caring about the stupid man, so mission not accomplished.

Well, maybe this just means that you can learn to care about all humans.

[LAUGHS]

LUCIFER: Well, I admire your positivity, but if that's the solution, then I'm never gonna be God.

- Lucifer.

- [SIGHS]

You will figure this out.

I hope so.

I'm sorry this is taking longer than we thought.

- There's no rush, right?

- [INHALES]

Well, doesn't seem to be.

Maybe we should just take our time.

Wow, you really, uh, put away a lot of candy in there.

Yep.

[EXHALES]

Known to do that.

Call me Snacky Chan.

Oh, man, you're so pop-corny.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[SIGHS]

Well, this is me.

Wow!

Nice.

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Ella, um...

I have to say that I think tonight is the best date I've ever had.

Well, I would call you a liar, but...

[CHUCKLES]

Good night.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, if you're still up there, thanks.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[THUDS]

[CROAKING]

[CROAKING CONTINUES]

What the...