02x01 - The Show Must Go On, Probably?

[bunniefuu]

You know how you and I talk all the time about my purpose?

You think acting could be your purpose?

This is Ryan Madison.

You guys want him gone? Yes.

I followed Ryan to take an acting class, and they say I got something.

You're a k*ller, Barry.

This is all you do.

Folks, Ryan Madison. He's dead.

I'm Detective Moss.

I'm hoping one of you recognizes the man in this photo.

Be on the lookout for a man with no discernible features.

He k*lled your friend.

I'm investigating the m*rder of one of your students.

This cannot be a thing.

You took my stash house. It's a w*r now.

Once the guys get to know each other, it's gonna be super great.

Whatever you did tonight to get to that place...

Wait, wait, wait! ...do that every time.

I'm done with all this, starting right now.

Can we please not do this? It's done.

Starting now.

Yeah? Hey, pause it.

Hey, if you touch the TV, I will k*ll you.

I'm just telling you, I wanna see what happens to this dude, so just don't touch the TV, just hold up a second.

Would you pause it? Why?

Because I wanna watch it.

And you always do this, man!

Why is this sh*t so f*cking hard for you, huh?

I don't even think this has anything to do with the TV.

This is some other passive-aggressive bullshit we need to talk about. Aah, sh*t.

Yeah?

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

f*ck.

Aah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! Oh, f*ck! Oh, my God!

Where is he?

Would you relax? My best new guy's gonna be back with your little package any minute now.

This isn't me. I'm not a criminal.

I mean, someone could get hurt.

Obviously, somebody's gonna get hurt.

I mean, my guy's gonna k*ll whoever's in that apartment.

You know, that's part of the idea.

What?

Why are you looking at me like that?

This was the whole plan. No, no.

You never said anything about anybody getting hurt.

Oh.

Well, you know, if I didn't, I should have.

Oh, God!

I saw him go upstairs! Go! Go!

There, see? Here he is.

Might not have gone down like you imagined, but, uh, at least you're getting what you paid for, right?

Hey.

You gave me the wrong combination.

You gave us the wrong combination.

You didn't even get the package!

I gotta get out of here!

sh*t!

Hold on!

Cease fire! Cease fire! Damn!

Oh, thank God, you're here!

Okay.

All right, okay. This is good. Okay.

Newspaper man. Here we go.

All right, guys, places! Let's... Whoa!

Hey, what's going on? You're not in costume.

No, we're not.

Why are you in costume?

Why am I in costume? Because it's a dress rehearsal.

Come on, you guys should be dressed!

You don't seriously think we should keep trying to do this, do you?

Yes, we have to! We-We-We open tomorrow, guys!

Baz, that's bonkers. Why don't we just cancel the entire show?

Cancel the... Why?!

Um, because Gene had a full-on nervous breakdown yesterday and left? He was, like, sobbing.

I still think part of it was my emotional performance.

Yeah. No, I'm pretty sure it was about Moss.

Remember? He was screaming, "Janice. Janice.

What is the point without Janice?" Nah, it was me.

Okay, we can't do a show without a director, Barry, and right now, we don't have a director!

Okay, hey! Let me guess. It's gonna be great!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay? I think just Gene needs a little time to relax and collect himself.

And so until then, um, I'll direct.

What? What?

That seems weird.

All right, so everybody, get into costume. Let's go.

Let's get this going. We open tomorrow, guys.

Let's go! The Front Page. Will you talk to him please?

Everybody move!

It's gonna be fun! Have you directed before?

I have not directed before, but I think...

I think it's gonna be great, guys.

Let's see some real energy!

All right. Bare...

Typewriter ribbon.

Bare, I... Look at this.

This plays in the first act! We're not doing the show.

Yeah, we are. No, we're not.

Look, Gene is not ready. The man is in pain.

He's broken.

He needs time to process what happened.

I need time to process what happened.

It's stuck.

And you need time to process what happened.

Well, we do that through the work, right?

Look, I get what it's like to be freaked out, okay?

It's like... It's like when I shaved my head for I Never Saw Another Butterfly without realizing how limiting that was gonna be for other castings.

We all lose track of what's important sometimes.

Plus, you know, it's The Front Page. It's a stupid farce.

Yeah, but you picked it.

Yeah, I picked it before Janice was m*rder*d.

We don't know what happened to her.

Yes, we do! Barry, everyone seems to know what happened to Janice except for you!

You know, if we cancel this show, then what was the point?

What?

It's gonna be great. It's gonna be great.

You gotta trust me. Trust me? Trust me.

Okay, we're good.

The director is ready!

Dear Batir and everyone back in Chechnya.

Hey, man! Yo, bro!

In short, the LA operation is going super great.

Now, I know there is still some small reservation about teaming up with traditional enemies, the Bolivians, but worry not, Batir, they are wonderful dudes.

They are unrivaled thieves and super great at acquiring cargo.

And you know what we are good at?

Repackaging said cargo.

It is like yin and yang, meant to be, peas in pod.

Speaking of which, Cristobal, their leader, is guru mensch of highest order, like baby Tony Robbins.

Teaching us all the powerful way of getting sh*t done and ruling the world while being totally chill.

He had one of the best organic chefs in South America kidnapped and brought over here. It took some time, but I think his brain has been officially washed.

Our recreational volleyball is becoming legendary.

P.S. I am now known as "b*llet" for my serve.

Yes, I think this is probably the happiest I have ever been in my life, Batir.

Not only do I have operation which may soon challenge Burmese mafia for next highest spot on crime family rankings, but I have found a true friend and partner in Cristobal.

I can't wait for you guys to meet him.

So, in finishing, let's be cool about the Bolivians.

As Cristobal often says, we are more powerful together.

God, so true.

Hank, Cristobal wants to see you.

It's going to be amazing. He's going to... Ah!

Hank, come in.

Have you met Esther, head of Burmese crime family?

No.

Probably because she's our biggest competitor.

Of course, currently sitting in my chair, drinking from my fox mug.

I have come to offer you a proposition.

She talking to me? I think it is very interesting.

Here. Come, come. Have a seat.

Tell me, what is the one thing that we here have wanted to dip our toes in?

Chocolate. Heroin.

Heroin, heroin. Hank, heroin.

It is the one box left unchecked in our organization that would give us true power.

Listen to this.

I have established a monastery where I can bring anything I want into this country, no questions asked due to religious freedom.

g*ns, merchandise, and especially dr*gs.

I'd offer you and Cristobal an even share.

Huh?

Okay. Why?

We were just discussing Thomas Friedman.

Did you read that one yet?

Okay, you given me, like, a lot of books.

I have not found the time. You must make the time.

Please do not eavesdrop. Thomas Friedman...

Thank you. ...says no two countries that have a McDonald's have ever gone to w*r.

Esther's point is there's enough in Los Angeles for all of us.

We give a little McDonald's to every g*ng, and soon, all the gangs will become a team.

So you want to share our stash house with her?

Exactly! And in exchange, we get Esther's team of smugglers and assassins.

Well, that is a bummer, because I already have an army of finest K*llers in all of Chechnya, so...

Um... ...there's the door.

Hank, your men... they are a little lacking in physical skill.

They are weak. Okay, that is not true.

And also, please keep your voice down, okay? They're right down there.

Oh, yeah, I've seen this before.

Chh-chh-chh-chh. Yeah, very...

Okay! Sweet Baby Jesus!

Oh, my God!

This... That is what I'm saying.

How could we not want to be in business with this, huh?

Okay. Oh, my God.

Everyone's laughing at the hand-stabbing now.

Mr. Cousineau?

Mr. Cous...

Hey, Berkman.

Hey. Uh, I can come...

I can come back. No.

Barry, they're giving up.

They're quitting. No. All we're saying is that your cabin is no longer considered an active crime scene.

Here are your keys.

You keep my keys.

There are thousands of acres of woods up there.

Are you searching them?

No. We didn't feel that was viable.

Oh, this is madness.

She could be out there right now, cold.

She could be hurt, hungry.

We don't know what happened.

Nobody actually knows what happened.

Is this you and Corbin Bernsen?

No, that's Ronnie Cox.

Ronnie Cox. Mr. Cousineau...

Janice and I went after the Chechens, and they got pissed, so they came after her.

As soon as they got her in her car that night and off your property, she was gone, okay?

We have no cell phone pings, no credit cards, nothing.

We probably know everything we're ever going to know, and that's just the reality.

I'm sorry.

Mae. Hi, let's go. Hey. Oh, yeah.

Hey, Mr. Cousineau, we, uh, we rehearsed without you today, and, uh, it was awful.

I know you needed some time to feel better, but I'm just curious when you think you might be ready to come back and direct the show.

I mean, I think you look great. In my bedroom, under the bed, there's a mahogany box, and in that box is a pearl-handle .38 Special, screen-used from the movie Flashpoint, given to me by my former roommate, Rip Torn.

Do you know how many times today I actually thought about going in there and loading it and giving it one last kiss?

You wanted to kiss a g*n?

su1c1de, Barry. Oh.

Are you not familiar with the Japanese ritual of hari-Kari?

The baseball announcer? I need you out of my house.

Okay.

Okay, mail call, you guys!

We got some coupons.

Hey, Esteban, you love Domino's right?

Okay. "Want to win a million dollars?"

I'm not gonna fall for that one, again.

Hey, guys! A package from Chechnya!

Maybe it's my copy of Riverdance on Blu-ray.

Batir. Noho Hank. I just got your package.

Is this some sort of early 40th birthday joke?

We asked you to find and execute Goran's k*ller.

The family feels it was the Bolivians, but instead of executing, you have chosen to work with them, so now we will have to k*ll you.

Wow, Batir, what is with this sour-patch attitude?

Come on, man. We are bros. We went to preschool together.

There is nothing I can do, Hank.

You have chosen the Bolivians over the family.

But the Bolivians did not k*ll Goran.

Then, who did?

You really want to know? Yes.

Well, okay, then. I'm going to tell you.

Excuse me, does this come in purple?

Uh, no, but we do have it in a heathered star ruby.

What is that?

Well, it's basically, um...

Well, if you were to take red and blue and then just mix those two elements together.

So purple?

Oh, f*ck, yeah, it is purple, isn't it?

Is everybody who works here British?

Sorry, what?

See you bought yourself a new pair of gym pantaloons, have you?

Yes.

Ah, bugger, the credit card reader's not working.

Stupid card reader.

Bloody card reader more like it.

Why isn't this working? This is crazy.

Are these really $88?

Baz? Hmm?

Can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah.

Top o' the morning.

Hmm? What is that?

Okay, um...

I'm just doing the thing Mr. Cousineau talked about about us bringing our characters out into the real world.

Mmm. Well, firstly... So that's what I was...

...British is not a character, yeah? Hmm?

Yeah, it's not. And secondly, when the guests hear you talking like that and then they hear me talking like this, they think that we're both doing accents.

We look like assholes. No.

Yeah, we look the silly. No, we're the same.

What are you doing? Stop it!

Baz! No, we don't sound the same. No, we sound the same.

We sound totally the same.

No, we sound the same. Please stop.

Oh, this is driving me nuts.

You have to stop.

You can do an accent too. I know I can do accents.

If you played an Australian person.

I wouldn't play an Australian.

I would never play an Australian.

I don't want to talk about it, but I would never play an Australian.

Oy! No.

Mate. Stop it.

Excuse me, sir?

Do you work here?

Yeah, um...

Do you have these pants in size medium?

Those are women's pants. sh*t.

Look, Baz, you remember when I got you the job here, yeah?

And you got all excited

'cause you thought Lululemon was a candy store?

Yeah?

Well, you've come such a long way from there, so it would be a shame to go back, wouldn't it?

All right, so just tuck your crazy in a little bit, yeah?

All right, yeah, okay. Just be chill.

Jesus Christ.

The f*ck you doing here?

Barry, it's me. It's Hank.

I know it's Hank! In a wig.

I know you're wearing a wig! The shirt's mine, though.

I don't f*cking care! What the f*ck are you doing here?

You remember how Goran was going to k*ll you, and I gave you tip-off and you used it to k*ll Goran and all of my friends?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Remember? Garage?

And I did not tell his family about it, because if I did, they would burn down Los Angeles looking for you?

Yes!

Well, instead of telling them you sh*t Goran... this morning I told them it was Esther, head of the Burmese crime family.

Why?

Well, because A, I don't want you to get k*lled, and B, Esther is throwing complete monkey wrench into my relationship with Cristobal.

So you k*ll her, Goran's family will be off my tip, and Cristobal will still think we're two peas in pod.

Classic criss-cross. That's not a criss-cross.

I'm pretty sure it is.

All right, you need to get out of here, man.

No. Barry, Barry. Okay, just hear me, all right, um...

If you don't do this for me, my family will k*ll me. I don't f*cking care.

Now get out of here, you f*cking idiot.

Mr. Fuches? Yeah.

Whoa! I know what that thing is.

I don't know why you'd need my DNA.

I was being held there against my will.

There's witnesses and evidence at the scene that say otherwise, Mr. Fuches.

Oh.

You got a court order to take my DNA?

Oh, oh, you think I'm gonna give it to you voluntarily.

No, see, I'm a... I'm a law and order guy.

I love my country, I love my judicial system.

Thank you. So what I remember is, there's only two other guys in that hotel room, and they're both dead, so... you ain't got sh*t, pal.

I don't see Gene. Is he coming?

Yes. I told you, he'll be here. I talked to him.

Okay, Boo-Bare, I don't like this gear, okay?

You're acting really crazy, but you won't talk to me.

You see this?

That's a wall, okay? And it needs to come down.

I'm just nervous about the show, that's all.

I think this is about more than just the show.

What did you say to me earlier?

If we don't do this, then what was the point?

What does that even mean? Are you talking about us?

I... I don't have time for this.

We go on in 15 minutes, all right?

Barry, I...

All right, everybody, 15 minutes until showtime.

Let's bring it in.

Come on, guys. Who d*ed?

Oh, right.

Jermaine, you said you wanted to say something?

I did? Yeah.

Oh, I must've been f*cking with you.

Great. Um...

Okay, so this hasn't been easy. I'll be the first to admit that.

But The Front Page is a very rich and layered text, and there's a lot of lessons in there.

And I think the most important lesson in the myriad of important... lessons is... you always put out the newspaper.

I fundamentally disagree with you, Barry.

Sometimes no news is good news. Is Gene coming or not?

All right, you know what, it doesn't matter if Gene's coming or not, okay?

Because... Gene's here!

Thank God.

Good evening, my name is Gene M. Cousineau, and I've got an announcement to make.

I'm canceling the show.

Thank God.

What?

I wasn't here to oversee the production, so I can't in good conscience let you watch a show that bares my name.

Now, I cannot give you a refund, but I can give you a voucher for my book or any other Gene M. Cousineau merch that we sell in the box office.

Thank you. Thanks for coming.

It was a winter's morning mid-1920s.

The playwright Bertolt Brecht arose, put on his robe, his slippers, and then he went downstairs for the breakfast that his wife, the Austrian opera singer, Marianne Zoff, made for him.

He looked at his wife, he looked down at the schnitzel, he looked back at his wife, and he said, "Baby, I'm out."

Well, I'm out, too.

I'm shutting down this class permanently.

Mr. Cousineau, but teaching is your life!

Janice was my life...

Janice is my life.

Okay. No, no. Janice is your life. I understand, but I'm just saying that, um, you know, the things you tell us up here, you know, that acting's good therapy.

Oh, you actually heard something I said?

No, what I'm saying is that we could use this as an exercise as a whole class and we could use it so you could talk about your feelings.

You want me to talk about my feelings?

This class was about you talking about your feelings.

All right. No, I... Okay, yeah.

I've got an idea.

Why don't you talk about the w*r, Mr. Human Icebox?

Why don't you tell us about the first man you k*lled?

Because that's what it would be like for me to talk about Janice.

I didn't think so.

Natalie...

Bring my car around.

All right, it was outside of Sanjin.

It was my first tour.

I was, um...

I was on fire watch with my friend Albert...

um, in an OP, and, uh...

Albert. Yeah?

Wanna take a look at this? Why? What do you see?

Let me see.

Let me see.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, about 700 yards out, right?

You see that? Yeah.

We saw... I don't know what you call it, um, some suspicious activity.

And, um, Albert was doing surveillance on the...

Keep going.

We weren't sure if we should engage or not.

Should we engage, sir?

I'm not sure.

And I asked if we should radio Lieutenant Hubble.

Uh, should we maybe radio Lieutenant Hubble, sir?

f*ck no, you don't got to radio him, man.

Take the sh*t, dude.

Are you sure? No, I'm not sure.

He says that's a green light to sh**t the guy.

Look, you're gonna miss anyway, man.

Just scare the fucker.

Aah, my shoulder!

I forgot how these things kick back.

Jesus, Berkman, you got him!

What the f*ck are you sh**ting at?

Berkman just took out a sheepfucker from 700 yards!

f*ck off. Hey, there's more.

What? Yeah. Look.

Yeah, there's two on the rise.

Looks like they're checking out their buddy.

No way. No, no, no, no.

You k*lled them both, soldier.

I don't...

I... I k*lled them.

I k*lled someone.

Oh, God. Oh, God!

I k*lled someone!

I'll never be able to forgive myself. Shh, shh, shh!

Is that how it happened? I'm a terrible person!

m*therf*cker! What?

You f*cking kidding me?

He got 'em! Both of them?

Smoked both those pieces of sh*t!

Dude! This silent-ass Barry here's a f*cking stone-cold k*ller, fellas!

From 700 yards!

Jesus, Berkman! That was f*cking dope, man!

I was gonna take the bib off him, forget it!

Barry Berkman!

Barry...

Berry Berkman!

Barry?

Barry Berkman!

Barry?

Is that what really happened?

Yeah, yeah.

Shh, shh, shh. It's okay.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow at the next class.

Yes.

I know I could use a drink. Anybody else?

Oh, my God, yes, please!

You should be feeling really proud of yourself, Barry.

I mean, that was amazing.

Oh, yeah, thanks. No, no. Really.

I mean, it was messy and complex and...

God, I didn't even know that all those things happened to you.

I mean, that was crazy.

You really heard me.

You really let that wall come down a little.

You see what happens when you're honest about who you really are, Barry?

Good things can happen.

I mean, you just saved the class!

Hey, do you wanna get out of here?

Yeah.

I do, I... I just... sh*t.

I said I'd have drinks with my agent, so...

I wanna be there for you, I do, but tomorrow.

Not too early. Like around noon?

After yoga, but before an audition I have.

I'll need to prepare, okay?

But you'll be there for me, right?

Yeah. And we can definitely find a window.

Okay.

I'm so proud of you. The wound is open, Barry.

That's a good thing.

Amazing. Yeah, cool.

Good night. Night.

Bye!

What the f*ck are you doing...

"What the f*ck are you doing here, Hank?" Yeah, I know.

Right. You get the f*ck out of here. You need to leave.

You called me an idiot today.

Me, the guy who, when Goran was coming to k*ll you, told you to get out of the Dodge.

I mean, I saved your life.

Right. Hey, man, let's do this...

I come not wearing disguises.

No more hiding.

You have to understand, I'm not asking you to do this hit, I'm telling you.

Hey, Hank, relax, man.

I'm relaxed, okay?

I'm a super relaxed guy.

But now, I'm the boss, and you really disrespected me.

So you're doing this, because if you do not...

I tell Goran's family who really k*lled him.

And this place, and all your friends, they go bye-bye.

Do you believe me now?

You still think I'm a f*cking idiot?

No.

Good.

Good.

Don't f*ck with me, Barry.

It's not polite.

Hey, Mae? We just got a DNA match on CODIS from the tooth we found in the garage where Goran Pazar was k*lled.

What?

It's a failing business, Diana.

Who opens up a quinceañera store that's not in an Hispanic neighborhood?

I did it because of you, and now you're leaving me.

Let's just meet face-to-face. What are you doing Saturday?

What, just you, or...?

Ronny Proxin.

Hey, Loach?

No, I know. I need to get a lawyer, but... Hello?

Diana?

Aah, your ex-wife, right?

Man, I'm sorry. That's gotta suck.

I worry all the time that my marriage is gonna implode around me and...

I got a kid and that would be terrible for her.

But you guys are lucky, you don't... you do have a kid.

What do you want, Mae?

Well, do you remember we found a tooth in Pazar's garage that didn't match anyone at the crime scene?

Yeah. We got a CODIS hit on it.

Monroe Fuches.

From Cleveland. Ohio.

What was he doing in Pazar's garage?

What was he doing in Pazar's garage?

I got it, thanks.

We should go out there, interview him.

No, I got it. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Cleveland.

f*cking Cleveland.

Okay.

How about that?