05x04 - Episode Four

[bunniefuu]

[keys clacking]

[typewriter dings]

Are you gonna be weird about last night?

[squeals] Probably.

- [chuckles]
- You"re not?

Nope. It was perfect.

But we"ll take it slow.

I will take it any way

- you want to give it to me.
- [giggles]

You need to come back with
something no one"s expecting.

Do a show that will
make people go, "sh*t.

I didn"t know he could do that."

- You guys gotta do it.
- We"re a little busy

helping to destroy our current show.

Hello!

- Oh, bollocks!
- You know, I"ve never enjoyed

- your cooking more.
- Hey!

- Want to do a show?
- Whoo-hoo.

Dear God, what have we done?

[llama grunts]

[keys clacking]

[typewriter dings]

[wind blows]

♪ Quirky music ♪

♪♪

[g*nsh*t]

♪ Light music ♪

♪♪

- Surprise!
- Look at you!

Out of your house, driving a car.

- I know!
- Oh, it"s like Lazarus.

But with a better haircut.

Oh.

Who"s Lazarus?

From the Bible.

And she had really bad hair?

Yes, she had really bad hair.

God smote her with it.

Ooh.

- [chuckles]
- Aw.

What a treat.

Just to see you in sunlight.

How did this happen?

Um, A: The shrink upped my Prozac.

- [giggles]
- Never hurts.

And... B?

Who said there"s a B? [giggles]

Your little friend, A.

I"m... kind of seeing somebody.

You... you haven"t left your house in

three weeks, unless
you ordered him on Amazon.

Okay. I"ll tell you,

but you can"t be judgmental.

[scoffs]

Why would I...

How can you be back with her?

Have you forgotten how
controlling and paranoid...

- A: Judgmental.
- Well...

And B: Not her.

- [scoffs]
- [sighs]

Not Castor?

Castor?

- Oh... no.
- [sighs]

[laughs] Oh, God no.

[both shudder]

Well then...

Nooooo...

All right. I know.

I know what you"re going to say.

Really? I don"t.

You-you have actually... [shaky breath]

Rendered me speechless.

How could you possibly...

So not so speechless.

[stammers]

I just don"t... of all the men...

Excuse me, men and women in the world.

[mocking sounds]

With Merc? Lapidus?

May I speak now?

[mumbles]

It"s totally different this time.

- [muffled]
- It is!

It"s like all the good stuff

minus the bullshit.

Mm-hmm?

There"s no Jamie, so...

[laughs]

I don"t have to share him.

We don"t have to sneak around.

Mmm, mm.

He"s not my boss anymore.

And that"s not a turnoff for you?

No. [scoffs]

Look, I... [sighs]

I know you"re not a fan.

- Mmm!
- But...

I"m kind of starting
to feel like me again.

Just a...

And he"s the reason.

And a little bit the Prozac,

but mostly him, so...

put away all your little mmms and hmms

and try to be happy for me.

All right.

[inhales]

If this is really what you want...

It is.

...then I will

try to support it.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm... [squeaks] hm!

- ♪ Lively music ♪
- Be here next time.

We"ll be one step closer to finding out

who will b*at the box.

- [cheers and applause]
- Good night!

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, bud.
- Hey.

How"s my favorite client?

I don"t know. How is Bradley Cooper?

[laughs] Well, you"re
definitely my funniest.

So listen, what if I told you

that you could make a million two

and all you have to do is
spend a day in Philadelphia?

Seriously? A whole day?

- QVT...
- Oh, Jesus.

...wants you to front a line
of Matt LeBlanc vests.

What are you trying to do to me?

1.2 if you sell out.

Which is what I"d be doing.

Oh, please.
You know who"s doing QVT now?

Hm?

Everybody.

Bradley Cooper?

Don"t do that.

Jennifer Hudson"s selling pants.

Your friend Ellen is there.

Give her a call, she"ll tell you.

It"s the easiest money
you will ever make.

- 1.2 from vests?
- It"s pure profit.

They sell "em for, like, 39.99,

but they cost a buck
to make in Sri Lanka.

- What do I have to do?
- Nothing.

You stand there in your vest.

You take a few calls.
You watch the tote board go up.

It"s like a telethon,
only you"re the disease.

How soon would this happen?

As soon as the little children
finish sewing the buttons on.

It"s not really kids making them, right?

[laughs] No.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Hey, hey... let me ask you something.

Would you pay 39.99

for this vest?

First of all, it"s a waistcoat.

[mocking imitation]

Fine, would you pay 39.99
for this waistcoat?

That particular one?

No-no. This is like 400 bucks.

Like a shittier version of this.

So your question is would I buy

a shitty waistcoat for 39.99?

- Yeah.
- No.

This-this is not your target audience.

Anyway,

ready to go?

Oh, right. Big weekend.

You guys gonna bring me back a new show?

- [chuckles] That"s the plan.
- Fingers crossed.

All right! Go be funny.

You go be agent-y.

Ah, look,

you already started.

Think vests.

All right, let me just go, uh,

change out of this, and then we can...

Hey, hey!

What"s that one doing here?

- [Sean] Morning, hello.
- Hello.

No one told me about the reunion.

- Oh, no-no-no.
- Oh, we"re doing

a new show together.

Oh, exciting!

Getting the old team back together.

Well, not the whole team.

I"m totally kidding.

We know.

So what brings you here?

Oh, just picking up my man.

- Picking up your... what?
- Sorry?

Oh, yeah, Mr. Lapidus and I

are kind of an item.

What-an item? What...

what do you mean by "item"?

Are you sh1tting me? Why?

Uh, not everyone can be
the perfect boyfriend,

guy who f*cked my daughter
then never called her again.

They gotta learn.

[Beverly] You and... Merc?

Well, you know we used to
have a thing back in the seven...

Just say it.

And you"re back together now?

Uh, yeah.

In fact, as of last week... [gasps]

What"s this?

You"re engaged?

Oh, I love hearing it with the accent.

You"re... engaged.

I know, it"s kind of fast.

But hey, no one"s getting any younger.

You are.

Ohh.

And he gave you that ring?

[hushed] I know!

If the light catches it just right,

Merc Lapidus starts
looking pretty damn good.

What a bastard.

- Let it go.
- I can"t.

I always said he was a d*ck.

This is gonna k*ll her.

I even feel bad for Morning.

Were those new tits?

I know. I thought that too.

So we all feel bad for Morning.

Well, she"ll be fine.

She got the ring, she"ll get alimony.

Meanwhile, poor Carol.

If you could have seen her face...

she"s so happy.

Fucker.

I don"t know what I"m gonna tell her.

You"re gonna tell her nothing.

That"s what you"re gonna tell her.

- Oh... I"ve gotta say something.
- No, you don"t.

You really wanna be the one
who brings her this news?

There"s a reason "hug the messenger"

is not an expression.

So then I"m supposed
to let her just go on,

completely oblivious?

[car horn honks]

It"s not like they were bigger...

- Hmm.
- ...but there"s...

something.

- Hands on the wheel.
- Yeah, I know.

They were just more...

hel-lo.

I"m trapped in a car with two boobs

talking about tits.

No, you "re right. It" s awful.
Poor Carol.

It"s like her nipples looked higher.

- They can do that?
- I"d like to think so.

- I"m calling her.
- No, don"t call her.

Every time you"ve got involved,

every time... am I wrong?

So what? [sighs]

He just gets away with it?

It"s her life. Stay out of it.

[sighs]

I hate this.

It"s probably just her bra.

You think?

Wardrobe told me she gets them
specially made in Brazil.

Ooh.

- Interesting.
- Good to know.

[quirky music]

♪♪

Okay, this is it. [clears throat]

[Beverly] This is
your little ranch house?

- Yee-haw!
- [giggles]

Yeah, I had the set guys
from Friends do it.

I just said, "Give me a ranch set."

You "re lucky there" s a fourth wall.

- [sniffs]
- What?

I was just trying to place that...

fragrance.

Ah. Horseshit.

Ah.

I was gonna guess eucalyptus.

Nope. Horseshit.

Although sometimes they sh*t
on the eucalyptus,

so maybe that"s it.

Good nose, darling.

Yeah, it"s way worse during the day.

Mmm, something to look forward to.

- You guys want a drink?
- No, no, that"s all right.

It"s been a long day.

And we have a big, smelly day tomorrow.

[mutters] Oh, well...

Okay, grab your stuff.

[Sean] Right behind you.

- Breathe through your mouth.
- I"m trying.

♪♪

This is certainly not what I expected.

No. It"s like a sleepover

at Michael Jackson"s house.

Ohh.

- What?
- Look.

- What?
- There.

- What, the hair?
- Yes, the hair.

These sheets aren"t clean.

- Better?
- No.

Ohh. There"s another one.

[distant animal calls]

Hey. What"s up?

Uh...

I think whoever"s in charge of the beds

may have forgotten to

change our sheets.

That"d be Lupe.

Yes, well,

Lupe forgot to change our sheets.

You sure?

There were hairs in mine.

Ah, I wouldn"t worry about it.

It"s just my kids.

Uh... they were gray.

Gray and...

[clears throat] curly.

Oh, and my mom stayed here.

So she doesn"t color all her hair.

Ew. f*cking Lupe.

I"ll talk to her on Monday.

Yeah.

But, uh, in- in the meantime...

- Hmm?
- [exhales]

I "m-I" m sure your mother
is perfectly hygienic,

but call me crazy...

And I do.

...I prefer clean sheets.

So, uh, if you"ll just

show me where the linens are...

I don"t know where the linens are.

How do you not know
where the linens are?

- It"s your ranch.
- I know where the barn is.

- Probably cleaner.
- I"m sorry, what?

So when you need
to change your sheets...

Lupe does it.

- Or not.
- Well, do you wanna switch?

- Take my bed.
- No. [Exhales]

Those are your dirty sheets.

I don"t know what to tell you.

♪♪

So?

Totally useless.

You"re welcome to
scooch in here with me.

What makes you think
yours are any cleaner?

You"re welcome to sleep on top of me.

Maybe I can flip the sheets over.

Darling, I"m begging you,

just turn off the light
and let"s go to sleep.

[sighs] Fine.

But I"m not getting undressed.

Perfect. Do that.

[sighs]

Sleep well.

[mutters]

[low whirring sound]

Brilliant.

[sighs]

[typewriter keys clacking]

[typewriter dings]

How the f*ck do they
sleep in outer space?

Well, for one thing,
they have clean sheets.

[g*nshots]

[gasps] Holy sh*t.

[lightsaber activates]

[lightsaber hums]

[softly] What the f*ck?

You hear that?

The g*nshots?

No, listen.

[crickets chirping]

Something"s definitely out here.

So you just sh*t
randomly into the night?

Didn"t you say you have a ranch hand?

- Yeah.
- Maybe you don"t anymore.

No, it"s this wild boar
that"s been coming around.

A wild boar?

I f*cking hate that pig.

He digs holes everywhere,
eats my sprinkler heads.

Shits on the pool furniture!

How do you know
it"s always the same pig?

Oh, I know those shits.

I think I might have winged him.

We should go check.
[Beverly] You go check.

- We"re not going out there.
- It"s fine.

To face the potentially
wounded wild boar?

Just, here-here. Grab a shovel.

No, I"m not grabbing a shovel.

Nothing good ever starts
with "Grab a shovel."

All right, fine.

I"ll go alone.

So you should. It"s your boar.

I"m coming for you, fucker!

[distant animal calls]

[lightsaber deactivates]

[Beverly] It"s like having a sleepover

with No Country for Old Men.

♪ quirky music ♪

♪♪

[Matt] Morning.

- Mm.
- Morning.

I made coffee.

- Oh, I could use some.
- Sounds good.

I think there"s bagels in the freezer.

Maybe some eggs.

Oh, my God.

Did you know your g*n

is still sitting out here
next to the cereal?

Oh, and there"s cereal.

[laughs]

Find any dead bodies in your yard?

No. But that f*cking pig
knocked over my barbecue.

There"s irony.

[phone rings]

[sighs] Carol.

Huh.

Hello.

Hey. How"s the ranch?

Very ranch-y.

Yeah?

Like someone lit a horseshit candle.

I told you, soon as the sun hits it,

oof.

Question.

It "s Merc" s birthday next week,

and A: I have no idea what to get him.

Also, B: I"ve got no money
to get it with.

Then I say, C: f*ck him.

Is it too lame if I make something?

- I have got to tell her.
- I was thinking, like,

going to one of those
Color Me Mine places

and making a little bowl.

So what do you think?

I think

making something for him is fine.

- I just...
- Beverly.

...wouldn"t put your heart into it.

"Ello, Beverly.

He"s there?

Mm-hmm.

All right, well,

got to get to work.

Wish him happy birthday for me.

[chuckles] Bye.

I am the worst person ever.

[g*n cocks]

[imitates g*nsh*t]

Second worst.

Okay, I had my assistant get us pads,

pens, scissors, Post-its.

She got us a white board.

You name it, it"s all here.

Jesus. It"s like she
knocked over a Staples.

- Oh, f*ck, staples!
- I wouldn"t worry.

I don "t think we" ll get so much done

that we"ll need to
attach things to each other.

Okay, glass half empty.

So do you have any sense
of the kind of show

you want to do?

I"m thinking a one-hour.

I don"t know, something smart.

Maybe a little dark.

You know, sophisticated.

Anything else?

In an ideal world,

I get to sh**t people.

That is sophisticated.

[Beverly] So... [exhales]

We"ve got...

smart,

so-phis-ti-cated...

sh**t people.

- Ooh! I got an idea.
- Go.

Can I do the writing on the board?

Absolutely.

- That was your idea?
- Yep.

Okay, so what"s the show?
Let"s just toss things out.

Anything"s fair game.

There are no bad ideas.

Okay.

What if I"m the president?

Of what planet?

I thought there were no bad ideas.

- So did I.
- Screw you.

I could play a president.

Okay, let"s say you"re the president.

So, now we have

smart, sophisticated,

sh**t people,

and president.

I"m liking this.

Should I make a reservation for lunch?

- We just started.
- I know.

But the way we"re moving...

Okay, so,

you"re the president.

- Then what?
- I don"t know.

You"re the writers.
I gave you president.

If I could do it all,
I wouldn"t need you.

Ooh!

What if I come back from the dead?

Are you still the president?

No, no, new idea.

All right.

But what I do come back from
the dead with? Like superpowers

or, uh, some kind of special knowledge?

Maybe you come back
with an idea for a show.

Or clean sheets.

Okay, I"m getting a real
negative vibe here.

[Beverly] Where you going?

I need a cookie.
Anyone else want a cookie?

No, come back, attention span.

You"re the board guy. You have the pen.

[sighs] Fine.

Has anyone ever done sort of a

Sliding Doors kind of thing,

where you see three iterations
of a man"s life

different ways they could have gone.

You could intercut between them,

see how they inform each other.

- Or what if I"m a pimp?
- Or what if you"re a pimp?

Well, seriously.

It could be this cool, dark, edgy show.

I"m a slimeball,

but I care about my girls.

Actually, I don"t think we"ve ever

seen that world before.

Documentaries, maybe.

Yeah, totally, totally.

I could run, like, this
bunny ranch in the desert.

And we could explore how each
of the girls ended up there.

Learn about them as people.

Yeah, dig into the
little nuances of their lives.

Oh! [huffs]

I got a title.

[Beverly] Whores.

There"s your nuance.

I love this.

[Sean] What are you doing?

Pitching it to Roger.

Whoa-whoa-whoa. Slightly premature.

Oh, nah, this is it.

I would totally watch Whores.

I think we"re all
assuming that you have.

Hey, it"s me.

Guess what?

We got a show.

It"s a dark, edgy one-hour

about a brothel in the desert,

and it"s called...

Yeah.
- He guessed Whores.

He knows you well.

What? No.

That sucks.

Netflix is already doing Whores.

Are you sure?

Treat Williams and Sharon Stone.

Jesus.

All right. I"ll talk to you later.

sh*t.

Oh, I understand your disappointment,

having invested almost
four minutes of your life.

f*cking Netflix.

I know it"s hard to believe,

but there might be one other idea

in the universe.

No, I-I-

I can"t do this now. I need a break.

From what?

Let"s go sh**t something.

Like, what? A one-hour?

Come on, seriously.
You ever fired a g*n?

I couldn"t even fire our assistant.

♪♪

[Beverly sighs]

Spread your feet a little more.

Don"t lock your knees.

[horse whinnying distantly]

Is it gonna be loud? I don"t like loud.

- Nah, you"re fine.
- You promise?

Yeah, it"s like slamming a car door.

And, uh, now get your grip
a little higher.

Make sure your support hand
is against the w*apon as well.

Oh, when did John Hinckley get here?

When I was a boy,
my father took me sh**ting.

You never told me.

Yeah. It was my mother"s idea.

She thought it would bring us closer.

Turns out it just made me realize

how easy it would be to k*ll him.

- [chuckles]
- All right, less talking,

more aiming. Now, you want to loosen up.

Don"t hunch your shoulders.

Still hunching.

Still hunching.

Still hunching.

Those are my shoulders!

Really?

Now, you want to have both hands
tight on the grip...

- [g*nsh*t]
- It "s loud! It" s loud!

- It "s loud! It" s loud!
- [g*n f*ring]

- It "s loud! It" s loud!
- [bottles smashing]

[hysterical sounds]

Holy sh*t.

Well done, darling.

That was no f*cking car door.

All right, all right,
just give me the w*apon.

I am never doing this again

because [shouting] it... was... loud!

- Okay.
- All right, my turn.

- [loudly] What?
- My turn!

[muttering]

All right, now, remember.
Focus on the sights,

- not the target.
- Don"t worry, I remember.

[Matt clears throat]

- [g*nsh*t]
- [Beverly whimpers]

I was just warming up.

[g*n fires]

I got to remember to breathe.

[g*n fires]

[chuckles]

This w*apon"s heavier than my father"s.

- [g*nsh*t]
- [Beverly whimpers]

I think there"s something
wrong with your g*n.

Don"t hunch your shoulders.

Shh...

Just relax. You can do it.

Feeling a lot of pressure.

Use it.

[g*n fires]

[animal squeals]

What the hell?

[animal squealing]

[grunting, squealing]

- [laughs]
- Oh, no!

[Sean] No-no-no-no-no.

- [Beverly] Oh, God.
- What did I do?

You got the fucker.

I didn"t mean to get him.

Oh, look at the poor thing!

- I can "t-I can" t look!
- Oh!

It"s suffering.

- Well, I know how to stop that.
- [cocks g*n]

Wha-what are you doing?

I"m gonna finish it off. This is him.

- Is it?
- You don"t know that.

Well, who do you think it is?

You just ate your last
sprinkler head, assh*le!

- No!
- What?

You can"t k*ll this pig.

So he eats a few bloody sprinkler heads.

He has as much right
to live here as you do.

Uh, as the guy who paid
8 million for it...

If this were a dog,

would you sh**t a dog?

It"s not a dog.

Yes, well,

did you know that
pigs are more intelligent

than dogs, and quite a few people?

Yeah? Then how come
I"m the one with the g*n?

- Oh...
- And when did you become

the f*cking pig expert?

When I was growing up,
my cousins had pet pigs.

Oh, they are the
most loyal, affectionate,

emotionally sophisticated...

Oh, it"s sh1tting!

- [groans]
- Oh, this is horrible!

Just end it! End it!

No!

This is Wilbur!

In Charlotte"s Web, this is...

that talking pig movie.

- Babe?
- Yes!

He"s gonna sh**t Babe.

[gasps] You can"t sh**t Babe.

It"s not Babe.

- It"s bacon.
- Oh.

Hey, if this was a talking pig,

we"d be having
a very different conversation,

all four of us.

Just because you can"t understand him

doesn"t mean he"s not communicating.

Other pigs understand him.

I understand him, right now.

He"s saying, "I"m in pain, help me!"

We need to help him!

No. You know what we need?

Hash browns.

We need to get him to a vet.

What? No. It"s a wild boar.

You"re a wild boar!

Where was that snappy dialogue

when we were working before?

Oh, look, it"s passed out.

We are taking this animal to a doctor.

We are not taking him to a doctor.

All right.

Then you"re on your own
with your stupid show.

- Oh, come on.
- That"s right.

I am putting it- we are putting it

all on the line for this pig.

You want us?

The pig comes too.

[scoffs] f*ck me.

I"ll get the truck.

[keys clacking]

[typewriter dings]

[sighs] All right,
let"s f*cking do this.

Uh, you guys get the back,
I"ll get the front.

[boar groaning]

- [yelps]
- [both] What?

I touched the tail!

Switch.

[Matt] Okay, ready?

One, two,

three. Pick it up.

- [all strain]
- Pick it up. Pick it up.

- Now what?
- Put it down.

Put it down. Put it down.

- Ah!
- Ooh!

f*ck, that"s a heavy pig.

- Ideally, we need a winch.
- Oh, sure.

We could just make one
out of sticks and twigs.

- Do you have a ramp?
- What am I, Angie"s List?

There"s no time.
His breath is getting shallow.

That "s not what I" d call it.

We"ve got to do something now!

Uh... I know.

I can accidentally back over it.

Let"s just try lifting it again.

- We can do this.
- I don"t think...

- We"ve got to.
- All right.

All right, okay, okay, how about this?

You take the front,

you take the back,

and I"ll get the middle.

Okay.

[Matt] One, two,

three!

[all straining]

Ow. Ow.

The bristles are
going through my gloves.

Keep going.

Hurts. Hurts.

- You"re tipping.
- I know I"m tipping!

[groans]

I hate this f*cking pig.

♪ Quirky music ♪

Why is this taking so long?

You sh*t him up pretty good.

I "m sure he" ll be fine.

He lost so much blood.

- [dog whines]
- [sheep bleats]

It"s funny.

When you have ham,

there"s like no blood at all.

Hmm.

What? It"s true.

[animals whining]

How is he?

I wish I had better news.

The b*llet tore through an artery

and also punctured his trachea.

So much a talking pig. [chuckles]

Will he survive?

It"s possible. He"s a fighter.

- Oh, thank God.
- The good news is

we were able
to stop the internal bleeding.

Okay.

Tracheal reconstruction
is more complicated.

- But it"s doable?
- Well, it"s tricky.

It means taking cartilage
from either his ear

or his thyroid.

I"m not sure we could do that here.

We"ll probably have to
move him to a larger facility.

Say we do all that,

what kind of prognosis can we hope for?

Well, obviously there are no guarantees,

but I think with time

he stands a good chance of recovery.

Oh, that"s such a relief.

Thank you.

How much are we talking here?

It"s hard to say.

Minimum, 12 to 15,000.

You paying?

- Well, we did what we could.
- He had a good life, it"s...

♪ quirky music ♪

♪ somber music ♪

♪♪

[phone ringing]

Okay...

[phone ringing]

Oh... [sniffles]

Oh.

[muttering]

[phone ringing]

[groans, spits]

[gagging]

Uh, hold on.

Oh...

[spits] Bah!

Hello?

Are you okay?

Uh-huh.

[keys clacking]

♪ Quirky music ♪

♪♪

Is there anything
we've talked about so far

that we actually like,
anything worth pursuing?

I still like whores.

(Groaning)

I also have a little bit of news.

Mark and I are in such a good place.

I might be pregnant.

All right. I'm erasing whores.

Ooh! What about racing whores?

I've got big news.

Big, big?

Pretty darn big.

I just like whores so much.

(Light instrumental music)

♪