05x07 - The Final Episode

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Episodes". Aired January 2011 - October 2017.
A happily married couple win yet another BAFTA Award for their successful British sitcom, Lyman's Boys, and are persuaded to move to Hollywood to remake their series for an American audience. Unfortunately the network starts to make changes, and pressure the couple into casting Matt LeBlanc in the lead role.
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05x07 - The Final Episode

Post by bunniefuu »


She filed a sexual harassment suit

against the network.

I assume

you're talking about Carol.

You totally brought this on yourself.

You took this wonderful relationship,

and you absolutely wrecked it.

She really cared for you.

You were the first boss

that actually made her happy.

Here's to the untitled
Matt LeBlanc pilot.

He's got to have read it by now.

He's like a goldfish.

The minute we leave his field of vision,

he forgets we exist.

[EILEEN] Hi, guys.

I just heard from Roger.

- And?
- He spoke to Matt.


He's passing.

When did this happen?

Right after he read it.

[WHISPERING] Cobb salad.




♪ quirky music ♪





He passed?

He passed?

He was the one who begged us
to write his bloody show,

and he passed?

- I know.

So what do we do?

So is that even a question?

Yes, it is.

We are not just giving up.

Look, he obviously has
some issues with the script.

Maybe try and find out what they are.

[BEVERLY] And how are we
supposed to do that?

He hasn't answered one text, one email.

- So we go and talk to him.
- Oh, no.

- No, no, no.
- All right.

No need to drop an octave.

No. So long as we still have
an ounce of pride,

we're not gonna snivel over to him...

"Oh, Matt.

How did our work fall short
of your expectations?

Please, tell us what your needs are,

so that we can fulfill them.

Meh, meh, meh, meh."

It's worth a try.

♪ Quirky music ♪


Hey. Haven't seen you guys in a while.

Oh, no, we're not on the list today.

Oh, well, if you're not on the list...

Right. Maybe you could give

Matt's assistant, Christina,

a call.

Sure, hang on.

- Hmm.
- Don't "hmm."

We're here. He won't turn us away.

He's not. It's too awkward.

- You'll see.
- Hmm.

You'll see.

You know, you're not always right.

You're often right, but not alway...

I'm not enjoying this conversation.


[IN COCKNEY ACCENT] Look who's here.

It's their royal 'ighnesses.

[MERC] Come here.


Sorry, she says it's
not a good time for him.

No. I did not see that coming.

- Not a good time for who?
- Look, he's about to do a show.

Maybe he's actually got something...

- This is Matt we're...
- Would you please stop defending him?

He's a little shit.

I always liked you.

I'm not saying he's not a little shit.

I'm just giving him the benefit of...

Well, don't! He is a selfish,

hurtful, poor excuse for a human being,

and he knows I'll say it to his face.

The highnesses are with me.


♪ Quirky music ♪



[MERC] It's me. Got a quick question.

It's open.


Uh, my question is,

is this as awkward as I'm hoping?


Ah, it is.

- How's it goin'?
- How's it going?

Uh, on a scale of one to ten,

I'd say it's what the f*ck?


The radio silence has been
a bit deafening.

Look, I got a show right now.

Could we maybe do this a little later?

Well, that's okay.
I'll tell 'em to hold.

Have fun.

Uh, look, Roger was supposed to call

what's-her-name and explain.

Yes, well, all we heard
is that you're passing.

Yeah, that's, well, pretty much it.

What does that even mean,
you're passing?

You're our bloody "co-creator."

Not to repeat myself, but what the f*ck?

Okay, obviously, you have
a problem with the script.


[SEAN] Why didn't you just call us?

'Cause I wanted to avoid this.

Okay, well, we're here now,

and we're grown-ups, so we can take it.

Seriously, can we not do this now?

No, let's.

Just tell us what your issues are.

It... wasn't great.

Well, that was worth
45 minutes on the 405.

What about it wasn't great?

I don't know. It was just... nyeh.

- Nyeh?
- Nyeh.

I know it's hard to articulate...

- Anything.
- Any specifics you can give us

will be really helpful.

[SIGHS] Okay.

The dialogue seemed forced.

The story sounded good
when you pitched it,

but after I read it, it felt contrived.

I couldn't empathize
with the characters.

The relationship
between Dick and his son

didn't feel organic.

There was no tension,

and I didn't care what happened to them.

See, this is why
I didn't want to do this.

Okay, okay, well...

Um, I know it doesn't feel like it,

but some of those things
are eminently solvable.

Yeah, remember that stupid pig?
Up at the ranch?

At a certain point,
you just got to let it die.

I'm saying we haven't
reached that point.

Our pig is still breathing.

- I don't know.
- What don't you know?

I've, uh... kind of moved on.

What does that mean?

I'm kind of doing another show.

- You're what?
- What?

- Yeah?

We're ready for you.


I got to go. It's a big night.

We're bringing the llama back.

[SEAN] What do you mean
you're doing another show?

Uh, yeah, the one where I'm a hit man

in Florida with my mother.

The one you said you hated?

Well, the script came out pretty good,

and the network's really hot on it.

So you're already committed to it?

Kind of.

Our bodies aren't even cold yet!

Look, it's pilot season.

They had someone else
they were talking to.

They put a clock on it.

And you didn't even have the decency,

the human decency, to tell us?

Because I didn't want to do this.

That's what we have people for!

There is a huge difference
between having people

and being people.

You have failed spectacularly
at the second one.

Okay, seriously, can we not do this now?

[AUDIENCE] Matt, Matt! Matt! Matt!

You realize...

Hey, yeah.


[MAN] Thanks.

You realize that you were the one

who convinced us to leave our show?

Yes, it had its problems,
but at least we had a show.

Now we have nothing.
What are we supposed to do?

I don't know. Go home.

You always say you hate it here.

So now you're throwing us
out of your country?

What happened to the gorilla?

Oh, you can keep that. That was for you.

No, not the actual gorilla.

You were supposed to be our gorilla.

You said you'd protect us.

I am protecting you.

If that script went on the air,

it would've k*lled your careers.

What careers?

You duplicitous lump of f*ck!

Don't try to pretend
you're doing it for us.

- We're ready to start.
- Oh, no.

Let's give 'em another minute or two.

Look, I wanted to love it.
I f*cking wanted it to be great.

But it's not.

You know, the truly remarkable thing

is that I didn't see any of this coming,

given that every shitty thing
that's happened to us

since we got here comes back to you.

Here we go.

From ruining Lyman's Boys

to getting us to leave Opposites

to f*cking my wife!



The one good thing
that's come out of this

is that finally he can see you

for who you are.

You have no loyalty.

People are disposable to you.

That you were on a show called Friends

is so beyond ironic!

You know what?

You don't need to play your father.

You are your father.


♪ Quirky music ♪



I've narrowed it down to these three.

I want something that says,
"I'm a professional,"

but also, "I'm a victim."

How about the black one
and a r*pe whistle?

Also it should be hot enough

that you'd believe she went after me,

but not so hot
that I might've seduced her.

- Uh-huh.
- Oh, and...

I want something a little lesbian-y

but also soft enough that you'd believe

it was my first time down there.


I think you're gonna have to
wear a coming-of-age novel.

What? You're asking the impossible.

From a dress.

Look, I've never been to a deposition.

I assume they last for hours.

Just pick something that's comfortable

and doesn't show sweat stains.

[SIGHS] Fine.

Just answer me this.

I don't want to show
the baby bump, do I?

Not unless you're prepared to
explain how she knocked you up.


I am so dreading this.

M-more important than the dress,

have you thought about
what you're gonna say?

I don't know.

I'm just gonna tell what happened.

Right, but I think you should be ready

for the kinds of questions.


- Miss Rance.
- Oh, so we're doing this now.

Is this the first employer

that you've had a relationship with?

- They don't know that.
- Helen knows, so they know.

Answer the question, please.


No, it's not the first.

How many of your former bosses
have you had affairs with?

- I don't remember.
- How many?

Three. Oh, four.

Five. Five.

So you were really an old hand at this.

One could almost call it a pattern.

Why are you pacing? No one paces.

They're just in chairs.

So the consequences

should not have been
surprising to you at all.

- Isn't that true?
- Whose side are you on?

You have to be ready for this.
Answer the question.

W-W-what was the question?

Who initiated the relationship,
you or Mrs. Basch?

- It was kind of mutual.
- Mutual?

- More her, I guess.
- Did you try and stop her?

- Uh, maybe?
- Did you?

- No.
- Did you encourage her?

- No!
- Is this the first time

that you'd ever been with a woman?

- Yes!
- Was it?

Okay, once, at theater camp.

It was at the cast party

for You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

She was Lucy, I was Patty,

and we were both really, really stoned.

- Really?
- Oh, f*ck.

I'm gonna fry.


He's right.

It's not good.

- I know.
- How far are you?

Further than I want to be.

How did we not realize?

It's like those Capri pants
you had when we first met.

You thought you looked so...

We agreed we'd
never discuss the Capri pants.

Your little ankles.

Like a hairy Jackie Onassis.


We will recover from this.

I know.

Actually, I don't know,
but I'm sure you're right.

You always are.

Oh. Just got to the scene in the park.

- Stop.
- I can't.

Well, if you need a distraction...



I'm sorry.

Right now,
I'm feeling rather inconsolable.

Although you're welcome to try.

Turned on by my hairy Jackie O ankles?

They're all I can think about.



♪ Quirky music ♪










You're up early.

Never went to sleep.


Clearly I was missed.

Between the Ambien and the Chardonnay,

be happy I'm alive.

What are you doing?


Darling, let it go.

It's the one thing he said that's true,

"Let the pig die."

It's something new.


Can I see?

Uh, no, it's too soon.

All right.

No. No.


Fine. Whenever you're ready.

Now. Read it now.

Oh, my.

Write what you know.


Which bit?

Oh, good.

This is exciting.


I am very happy.


I'm going to sleep. Your turn.

♪ Quirky music ♪





Oh, my God.

Feel how wet my hands are.

- That's okay.
- Seriously, feel them.

Seriously, I know what wet feels like.

Sorry. I don't want to mess up my suit.

That's fine.

I'm here for you and your glands.


Why am I putting myself through this?

Just keep telling yourself
it's for the baby.

It's for the baby's house.

It's for the baby's college fund.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's so you can buy dope again.



there'll be a little left over

for the baby's therapist.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

- What?
- The stairs.

Don't look. I said don't look!

Calm down. Take a breath.

- Is she looking?
- You just said don't look!

Why is she here?

They said she wasn't gonna be here.

Well, obviously, they were wrong.

f*ck. I'm gonna throw up.

You are not gonna throw up.

Focus on me.

Act like we're talking.

Applesauce. Applesauce.

- Applesauce.
- What?

- Just say it.
- Applesauce.

Applesauce. Applesauce.


She's almost at the lift. Hang in there.

I really think I'm gonna throw up.

- Really really?
- Applesauce.

Uh, the ladies' room?

- We're standing up.

- Breathe.

There we go. Very good.

We're walking. We're walking.

Is she still there?

I don't know. I'm not looking.

- I'm gonna look.
- Do not look.

I'm looking.

[CAROL] Shit! She saw me looking.

[BEVERLY] Told you not to look!

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

- Do you still need to throw up?
- Maybe.

No. I'm okay.

H-h-h-holy shit!

Listen to me.

The worst is over.

You saw her. She saw you.

You didn't burst into tears...


...or burst into flames.

You are stronger than you think you are.



We need to talk.


Are you all right in there?


I'm gonna go.

[CAROL] No! Stay.



So how are you?

Wildly uncomfortable.

As you should be.


So, uh...

Matt's doing that hit man thing.

What happened there?

Oh, it's not worth going into.



Sean and I started something new.

Ah? For us?

- Possibly.
- Good. Good.

I don't want to pre-sell it,
but I think you'll...

- [CAROL] Seriously?



You wanted to talk?

Should I go or...

Yeah. Go.

I'm good.

- You sure?
- Mm-hmm.

All right.

I'll be right outside.

Holler if you need me.

Okay, look.

No, you look.

Two of us went into this thing,

but only one of us still has a job.

Only one of us got
to go on with her life

like nothing ever happened.

Wait. Shh, shh.

No, you shh, shh, shh!

I didn't deserve this.

You're right.

Yeah, I am.

All the shit that went down,
that's on me.

Yep. Uh-huh.

I got nuts.

I was like a sick f*cking...


I swear to God,
I look back, and I'm like...

I finally started seeing this shrink.

- Little late.
- Probably.

Anyway, she seems smart. I don't know.

Mostly, we talk about you.


Even she couldn't believe
some of the shit I pulled.

She says that's what I do
when I'm in love.

It's some kind of abandonment thing

and all kinds of crap with my father.


You were in love?

Oh, come on.


You knew that.

- Nope.
- Yeah, you did.

You never said it.

- But you knew it.
- I did not.

Come on. Of course I love you.

Loved. Loved.

Da. Da.





I miss you so f*cking much.

I miss you too.

[WOMAN] Excuse me?
Um, can you keep talking?

[WOMAN] 'Cause I'm never
gonna be able to pee

if you're both listening.

[BOTH] Sorry.


[WOMAN] Thank you.

I think about you all the time.

[SIGHS] I think about you too.

Oh, my God.

I can't even sleep in my bed anymore.

It's too depressing.

That makes me so happy.

And then that f*cking movie
Carol came out.

I mean, seriously?

Those two women, and it's so hot,

and it's called Carol?

It f*cking k*lled me.



I thought it was kind of slow.

It was slow.


I never gave you back
one of your T-shirts.

It still smells like you.

Oh, like in a gross way?

No, not in a gross way.

Which one?

The blue James Perse.

Oh, Jesus.

I've been looking all over for that.

- You want it back?
- No.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

I mean, if you want it...

- Wait.
- What?


Oh, I need a mint.

- You're fine.
- Really?

I'm not vomit-y?


[WOMAN] I have a mint!

- Thank you.
- That's okay!


I want another chance.

- No.
- No, it wouldn't be like...

No. I can't.

You wrecked me.

I'm so f*ck' sorry.

Look, if I could undo everything...

but if there's any way

you'll let me show you

that I don't have to be that person...

Oh, f*ck it.

All right.

But if... if we open this door again...

Oh, please!

Let's open the door.

- Open the door!

[BOTH] Not you!

- If.
- Right.

We are gonna take it slow.



None of this, "We're moving in.

We're getting a dog."

Totally. Slow.


We don't even have to sleep
together until...

Well, I'm not saying that.


So this is happening?


But happening?

But happening.



there's one other thing you should know.


We're having a baby!

- We just said...
- Oh, so what?

[WOMAN] Congratulations.



[SEAN] Coming!

Always look first.

Maniacs seldom knock.


Always look.

This is for you.

You know what it is?

- We're not doing this.
- Come on.

- What is it?
- No.

Maybe in the light.

How about now?

- Some kind of snake thing?
- No.

- A chocolate Mr. Whippy.
- I don't know who that is. No.

- And it's not a snake thing?
- No.


See, this is what I was afraid of.

I told Christina,

"They're not gonna know what it is,"

and you can't believe
what it f*ck' cost to make.

Good. I hope you wasted a lot of money.

It's a turd.

You made us a turd?


It's like the gorilla,

only I'm not a gorilla.

Turns out I'm a piece of shit.

Didn't need an upholstered poo
to tell us that.

I'm a piece of shit, and I'm sorry.

You are a sorry piece of shit.

I know. I know!

I can't stop thinking
about that thing you said

about me being like my father,

and I f*ck' hate it.

Touched a nerve, did we?

My father walked out on us,
and what did I do?

I f*ck' walked out on you.

I didn't know if you were
headed back home or not,

but I had to see you before you go.

And for whatever it's worth...

you were right.

And this...

is how I feel.

There you go.

I'm sorry.

- You read our new script.
- Ah, so what?

[GASPS] Oh, my God.

You got to let me play this guy.

Have you no shame?

- Nyeh.
- I can't even!

This needs to be
a much bigger piece of shit!

Look, I really do feel bad
about what happened. Honest.

Honest like when you said you
thought we were going home?

Even when you already knew
we were doing the new show?

That was then.

It was 30 seconds ago!

You got to let some stuff go.

- We're done here.
- Come on!

This is the show
we should've done all along!

How could you possibly think,

given everything that's happened...

You have treated us so horrendously,

and then you expect us
to just take you back?

But that's kind of our thing.

It's not a good thing.

You're the abusive boyfriend
we never had.

Calm down.

People break up and get back together

all the time.

- Stupid people.
- You guys did.

We love each other.

And you don't think there's love here?

[BOTH] No!

[GASPS] Come on!

A little love.

A little.

A little...

Do you honestly believe

that you can just bat your eyes

and turn on your
theoretical Matt LeBlanc charm

and we'll swoon like
those idiot girls you screw?

- A little?
- No!

- No?
- No.

You can try to woo us with all
the plushy turds you like.

I'm afraid your shit
no longer impresses us.


That's your fake laugh.

See, you guys know me so well!

Look, do you want me to read for it?

I'll read for it.

But I'll tell you right now,

you're not gonna do any better.

Oh, really?

You'd be surprised

at who's already been cast.

I know. I heard.

But for this part?

I am that guy.

And you knew it when you wrote it.


I know you're pissed.

I'd be pissed at me too.

I was a dick.

But don't punish your show for it.

What about the show
you're already doing?

f*ck it.

So you're willing to do to that writer

what you've just apologized to us for?

This is different.

I have a history with you.

There's love here.

I'm telling you. Love!

It wouldn't be your production company.


You wouldn't even be a producer.

Who wants to be a producer?

Neither would Riskin and Shrimpkin

or Shrimkin or...

That's fine.

I never even met Shrimpkin.

- It's Shimkin!
- Whatever.

So? What do you say?



See? A little love.

- A little love.
- No.

A little love. Come on.

- No, no, no.
- Comin' in.

No, no, no, no, no. No!

[SCREAMS] Get him off me.



♪ Light instrumental music ♪



- [MAN] Whoo-hoo!



♪ Quirky music ♪












♪ Gentle piano music ♪


- [BEVERLY] No, no, no.
- [SEAN] No.

[BEVERLY] Ow, ow, ow!

- [SEAN] Stop it.

♪ Quirky music ♪




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