♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
♪ ♪
Uncle Jed, get a
hold of yourself.
I got some bad news for you.
Well, what is it, boy?
I hope this ain't going
to break your heart,
but I just got to say it.
Well, come on. Get it over with.
Uncle Jed,
I decided I ain't going
to be a brain surgeon.
I reckon I can
bear up under that.
After all, we still got Granny.
Maybe one doctor in
the family is enough.
Boy, I'm sure glad
you're taking it so good.
Uh, what made you
change your mind?
I seen another one of them
Double Naught spy movies.
Uncle Jed, that is
what I was meant to be.
That old Naught Naught Seven
has got the world by the tail.
Oh, yeah, I remember you was
all fired up over him a while back.
He's the one does all
that, uh, fighting and loving.
Does he ever.
Hey, as long as you're
working on shoes,
would you mind
hollering out the heel
so I can put a
little radio in there?
A radio in the
heel of your shoe?
Yes, sir, that's where Double
Naught Seven carries his.
Seems like a mighty
unhandy place to carry it.
Why don't he just
carry it in his pocket?
Well, I... I can't
tell you that.
Secret, huh?
No, sir, I just ain't sure.
Well, till you are, you
carry yours in your pocket.
Okay.
Hey, but there's something
I'm gonna need right away
and that's iron for my hat.
Iron for your hat?
Yes, sir, there was
this fella in the movie
that had a iron hat.
He kept throwing it at
Double Naught Seven.
What for?
Trying to k*ll him.
Why didn't he just sh**t him?
I can't tell you that neither.
But if anybody goes to
skimming iron hats at me,
he's going to get one
skimmed right back at him.
Hey, watch where you're
throwing your hat, Jethro.
You just be glad it wasn't iron.
Want to come swimming with me?
Shucks, no, I'm gonna
be a Double Naught spy.
Only time they go swimming is
underwater to blow up something.
That sounds like fun.
I'll be a Double
Naught spy with you.
It's too dangerous for girls.
You'll just wind up
getting painted gold.
That sounds like fun, too.
Forget it, Elly.
Girls can't be Double Naughts.
Why not?
I don't know why not.
Heck fire, I ain't
hardly one myself yet.
Well, I can do
anything you can do.
You can't be a Double Naught.
I can, too. Can't neither.
Can! Can't!
Can't! Can!
Now, Jethro, you let
your cousin Elly play
Double Naught spy with you.
Uncle Jed, being a Double
Naught spy ain't play.
Heck fire, that rascal hauls
off and saves whole countries.
The dickens you say.
Yes, sir.
This time it was ours.
The bad guys was
after Fort Knox,
and if old Naught Naught
Seven hadn't taken a hand,
the next time Uncle
Sam needed gold,
he'd have been
milking a dry cow.
Elly, if you're done
with your swimming,
you can get busy
with your chores.
Ain't been yet, Granny.
Oh, so you finally got back
with my beans and
my fatback, did you?
Doggone it, Granny.
I plumb forgot.
You give me some more
money, I'll fetch it right now.
Where's the money
I give you before?
Well, on the way
down to the store,
there was this Double
Naught spy picture
playing at the movie
theater, so I went...
You mean to say that you spent
my vittles money on a movie?
Well, I spent some of
the money on vittles.
Four boxes of popcorn,
half a dozen candy bars,
and a couple of
giant orange drinks.
Are you going
to hickory-switch him or am I?
Well, now, Granny...
Ain't nobody going
to hickory-switch me.
What did you say?
Double Naught spies
don't get switched.
They get purt near cut
in two by death rays,
handcuffed to atom bombs,
and have iron
hats throwed at 'em,
but they wouldn't
hold still for switching.
Uh-uh, no.
Well... how about paddling?
Now, Granny, I reckon
Jethro's a mite wrought up.
The boy's had a big day.
He thinks he's come
upon his life's calling.
Life's calling?
Yes, ma'am, Granny.
I'm gonna be a
Double Naught spy.
Well, congratulations,
Mr. Double Naught Spy.
Why, thank you.
(chuckles)
Now, you just cut
mud down to that store
and spy me up a sack of
beans and a slab of fatback.
And you do it in a
Double Naught hurry.
Here, boy, you'll be
needing some money.
Doggone it, Uncle Jed.
I bet you old Double
Naught Seven
wouldn't let nobody swat
him on the seat of his britches
and send him running
for beans and fatback.
Old Double Naught Seven
ain't never run into Granny.
JANE: Oh.
Come in, Mr. Cushing.
Mr. Drysdale is expecting you.
Thank you, Miss Hathaway.
Mr. Cushing is here, Chief.
Hello, Milburn.
Hello, John, good to see you.
Milburn, may I
present Miss Slocum?
Oh, how do you
do? How do you do?
This young lady will
represent my bank
in the annual
competition for Queen
of the Bankers Ball.
Really, really?
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Our two banks usually
fight it out in the finals.
Oh, yes, it's a rivalry
of long standing.
Uh, Miss Slocum,
why don't you just wait
in the outer office, huh?
Of course.
Our usual wager, Milburn?
What do you say we
double it this year, hmm?
Ah, you're a hard man.
Oh, what are you talking about?
You've won the last two years.
Well, all right, it's a bet.
Now, tell me, who is your
contestant going to be?
Does it matter?
(both chuckling)
I guess not.
So long, Milburn.
Oh, uh, Miss Slocum,
why don't you just come in and
say good-bye to Mr. Drysdale?
You see, you won't
meet her again
before the contest.
Yeah, that's right,
and I want to wish you
all the luck in the... wha...?
What's going on here?
This is how Miss
Slocum will appear
at the beauty contest tomorrow.
By the way, dear, what are
those measurements again?
36-23-36.
Thank you, dear.
Close your mouth, Milburn.
Where'd you find her...
The Folies Bergère?
Milburn, you know the rules.
She works at my bank.
In a pig's eye.
No, in New Accounts.
You won't get away
with this, Cushing.
Now, Milburn, you've always
been such a good loser.
You're not going to change now.
(laughing)
Howdy, Miss Jane.
Why, Jethro, hello.
Do you reckon Mr. Drysdale might
be needing a Double Naught spy?
What? I mean, like,
is anybody fixing to rob
his bank or something?
You tricked me, Cushing!
I'm afraid our host is losing
his charm and affability.
Come along, 36-23-36.
Did you hear that?
Mr. Drysdale, are they a
couple of secret agents?
A couple of crooks
is what they are.
Chief!
Well, I bet if you
followed them,
you'd find that she doesn't
work in his bank at all.
Hot dog!
That sounds like a job
for a Double Naught.
A double what? A
Double Naught spy.
I'll shadow 'em.
Hey, wait for me!
I'm a-gonna shadow you.
Chief, do you think it was wise
to give Jethro that assignment?
What assignment?
Spying on Miss Slocum.
Oh, he's not spying.
He's just going to find
out if she really works
in New Accounts at
the Merchants Bank.
He can do that
by just walking by
and looking in the front window.
But Jethro won't stop at that.
He's just seen a
James Bond movie
and he fancies
himself another 007.
Now, look, we've
got bigger worries.
Just in case that
girl isn't a phony,
we've got to come up
with a beauty contestant
who can b*at her.
Any ideas?
No, how about you?
Well, I'll do my best.
Perhaps with my glamour wig
and... a bikini.
Start screening every female
employee under the age of 30.
Right, Chief.
Make that 35.
(tires screeching)
(horn honking)
(tires squealing)
Uncle Jed, I'm
doing my first job
of Double Naught spying. Oh?
I'm saving Mr. Drysdale's
bank. Well, good.
It ain't a whole
country, but it's a start.
I'll say. Uh, listen, Uncle Jed.
Can I get me a spy car?
What's a spy car?
Oh, wait'll you hear
about that rascal!
It's got a top that flies off.
And a seat that
if you sat in it,
it throws you from
here to yonder.
It drops oil on the road,
so a fella following
you will skid!
And it sh**t out
smoke so he can't see!
Sounds a heap like the truck.
No! It's what you
call one of them
imported foreign sports cars.
And it is faster
than a jackrabbit!
And talk about "extries."
There's knives that
comes out the wheels,
and g*ns that
sh**t out the back.
Jethro, it seems to me
driving is dangerous enough
without all that going on.
Yeah, but old Double
Naught Seven's got one.
And I don't hardly
see how I can get
any first-class spying
done unless I got one, too.
Where'd old Double
Naught Seven get his?
Q Section give it to him.
Well, when you go
to spying full-time,
you ask Q Section
to give you one.
And you finally got back home
with my beans and
my fatback, did you?
Doggone it, Granny.
I forgot again.
You what?!
Well, gee whiz, Granny.
It's just 'cause I been
so busy trying to find
my Double Naught supplies.
I been all over town.
I can't find one
single spy store.
Well, there's plenty
of vittles stores.
Now, you get to one.
But Granny, I got to
get my spy supplies.
I been to three
places just trying to buy
something simple
thing like iron for my hat.
They looked at me like I
was some kind of a nut.
Instead of iron for your hat,
you should've got some
for the seat of your pants!
Huh? Bend over, Double Naught.
Now, Granny, like I told you,
the boy's a mite
wrought up today.
Well, I'm a mite
wrought up today!
Now you come home once more
without my beans and my fatback,
and you'll be doing
your spying standing up!
Finished all the chores
you give me, Granny.
Well, I'm going to
give you one more.
Go with your cousin, Jethro,
and see that he fetches
my vittles back home.
Yes, ma'am.
Come on, Jethro. Let's go.
You can't go with me, Elly!
I got spying to do.
Well, I can spy
just as good as you.
You can't neither. Can, too!
Can't! Can!
Can! Can't!
Can't! Now, Jethro.
You let Elly go with
you like Granny said.
Gee whiz, Uncle Jed,
I can't get no first-class
spying done with her along.
Old Double Naught
Seven ain't got
no girl cousin
tagging after him.
Double Naught Seven
ain't got your granny.
Now, run along.
I'm never gonna
get my third number.
I ain't got no spy car.
I ain't got no iron hat.
I ain't got no
radio for my heel.
All I got is a
dad-blasted girl cousin.
All right, girls, now turn.
Would you, uh, like to see them
in bathing suits, Chief?
Are you kidding?
Get them out of here.
All right, girls, now,
back to your desks.
Thank you, one and all.
Mr. Drysdale appreciates
your loyalty and cooperation.
Don't call us.
We will call you.
(phone ringing)
Hathaway here.
She is?
Wonderful. Send her in.
Janet Trego is here.
Oh, great.
Now we've got a chance.
Why don't we have more
employees who look like her?
Well, frankly, Chief, Miss
Trego does not have it up here.
Up here is not where we need it.
(knocking)
Come in, Miss Trego.
DRYSDALE: What happened to you?
Skiing accident.
Oh, you poor dear.
Well, Chief, there
goes the contest.
Nonsense... I don't
give up so easily.
We'll win yet.
Get me something
to knock off this cast.
Chief!
Well, she can put on another one
as soon as the contest is over.
It means a raise for you.
You can't be serious.
Young bones mend quickly.
The contest isn't till tomorrow.
But I just broke
my leg yesterday.
See, she's got two whole days.
Now, you take the afternoon off.
Go home and let
those bones knit.
The doctor said three weeks.
Come along, dear.
That's the trouble
with you women today.
Soft, soft!
You need a doctor
for every little thing.
What if pioneer women
had been like that?
We wouldn't have any country.
They fought Indians
with broken legs.
Hope you get well soon, ma'am.
Mr. Drysdale... Hello, Jethro.
I got a couple
favors to ask you.
Uh, first off, can I have an
advance on my spying pay?
And second, can I
leave my cousin, Elly,
here for a spell?
I can't get no Double
Naughting done with her along.
I'm just as much a Double Naught
as you, Jethro!
You ain't, neither.
Girls can't be Double Naughts.
Can, too! Can't!
Can!
Please, Mr. Drysdale,
keep her here.
Elly, I do need your help.
You can take Miss
Trego's place and win...
uh, do her job.
Well, is it important secret
stuff like Jethro's doing?
Oh, it's very important
and very secret.
Well, then, I'll stay.
Hot dog, now can I
have my advance?
Your what?
Money to fix up my
spy car and stuff.
Oh, yeah, sure.
And thank you.
(yelping) Look out, Miss Jane!
I'm on my fighting, loving,
hat-skimming, bank-saving way!
Chief, Chief, shouldn't
we stop Jethro
before... Never mind him.
Now, I want you
to get a bathing suit
for our beautiful
new employee here.
Employee?
Elly May?
That's right... she's going
to fill in for the
injured Miss Trego.
Chief, you are just thinking of
that beauty contest tomorrow.
I am thinking of that
poor, pain-wracked girl.
You expect her to sit at
a desk with a broken leg?
Have you no pity, no compassion?
But just a moment
ago... No arguments.
Miss Trego has been
through a terrible ordeal.
She faces weeks of suffering
while those
shattered bones knit.
She must have
time to convalesce.
All right, Chief.
Tell her she's got tomorrow off.
And you say this
strange young man
has been spying on you?
Yes... you know my
desk in New Accounts
is near the front window. Yes.
Well, I first noticed
him when he drove up
on a funny-looking old truck.
He got off and
limped to the window
and peered at me.
He limps? Like this.
And he wears a black hat
pulled low over his eyes.
He stared at me through
the window like this.
(gasps) There he is.
Thought you could
give me the slip, huh?
Well, I shadowed you.
Just a moment, young man.
Who are you?
Let's just say I'm
Double Naught Ten.
Puts me a naught
up on ol' Seven.
Now, then, miss...
(music blaring)
Doggone, there goes
my secret radio again.
(music stops playing)
Every time I step down on it,
the blasted thing
commences playing.
Okay, now, hold
on there, mister.
Don't try nothing 'less you want
to get this iron hat
skimmed at you.
(sighs) When I say
iron, I mean iron.
(clanging)
So, watch yourself.
(clanging)
(clanging)
I remember this kid.
He was in Drysdale's office
at the Commerce Bank.
Yes, I recall seeing
him as we left.
I bet Drysdale
sent him over here
to see if you were
really working here.
What if he finds out I
just started this morning?
(Jethro groaning) Shh.
He's coming around.
(groaning)
What happened?
Did you sh**t me
with a tranquilizer g*n
or spray me with
nerve gas or something?
It was an iron hat
that knocked you out.
Doggone, you
got in the first lick.
That don't stop a smart
Double Naught like me.
(music blaring)
(music stops playing) Got to find a
different place to hide my secret radio.
Where's my hat?
This letter must have fallen...
JD Clampett?
That's Drysdale's
star depositor.
What is your
connection with him?
Well, he's my un... oh, no.
If there's any secret blabbing
to be done around here,
she's gonna do it. Me?
What makes you think so?
Well, heck fire, that's
what always happens
when a Double Naught
spy tangles with a pretty girl.
Why, one kiss, and
she spills the beans.
Watch this.
JD Clampett is my uncle.
He's got purt near $50
million in Mr. Drysdale's bank.
My cousin, Elly May,
commenced working there today.
That's very interesting.
What else can you tell us?
You keep a-kissing,
I'll think of something.
Wonderful, wonderful.
We're a cinch to win.
Thank you, Elly.
Is this all I get to do?
Heck fire,
I thought I was gonna get
to do important secret stuff
like Jethro's doing.
Oh, that comes now!
You go and put on Miss
Hathaway's trench coat,
that old hat out there,
and a pair of glasses,
and then we're going
to pay a little visit
to Mr. Cushing of
the Merchants Bank.
Yes, sir.
Chief, I object most strenuously
to the methods you're employing.
Oh, really?
And how do you feel about
the secretary I'm employing?
I think I should keep
my big mouth shut.
Good girl.
Hey, Uncle Jed!
Uncle Jed!
Come see what I got!
Be careful getting
out of that ejector seat.
What ejector seat?
The one you're sitting on.
Every spy car's got one of them.
What's all the
shouting about, boy?
Look what I got, Uncle Jed!
Ain't she a beauty?!
She is, for a fact.
Yes, sir, that's what you call
a first-class Double
Naught spy car.
Oh, I thought you was talking
about the young lady here.
Howdy, ma'am, I'm Jed Clampett.
Mabel Slocum.
You one of them, uh,
Double Naught spies?
No.
Oh, they number
girl spies different.
She's what you call a 36-23-36.
Actually, I'm in New Accounts
at the Merchants Bank.
I'd like to talk to you
about using our facilities
as a repository for some
of your enormous reserves.
Well, I'll be glad to
talk to you about that.
Uh, whatever it means.
Not now, 36.
I got to show Uncle Jed
some of my spy car stuff.
Well, uh, why
don't you step inside
and make yourself comfortable,
and I'll join you
directly. Thank you.
Not at all.
Well, boy, show me what you got.
Well, first off...
(music blasting)
This here's my
smokescreen-maker.
This here's my
oil slick spreader.
Come look at this.
Suppose there's some
rascals chasing me...
and they goes to sh**ting at me.
And I give 'em this.
Kinda dangerous, ain't it, boy?
Spying's a dangerous business.
That's how come it pays so good.
Mr. Drysdale gimme $20.
What's this contraption here?
Suppose they go to sh**ting
at ya from all directions.
This here's my
bulletproof shield.
Watch this.
How about that?
Fine and dandy.
But, uh, how do ya see to drive?
Jethro?
I say how do ya
see from in there?
That's one of the bugs
I ain't worked out yet.
What's that handle there?
Oh, that there releases
the ejector seat.
What's a ejector seat?
Well, suppose
somebody's riding with ya
that you want to get shed of.
You just yank on that
rascal, next thing you know
they's 50 feet in the air!
Well!
You finally got back home with
my beans and fatback, did ya?
Well, I hope ya got plenty.
I see ya fetched
company home for supper.
I'll go right now, Granny.
You mean you forgot again?!
I been so busy getting kissed
and rigging all this
special stuff on my spy car
that I... Where's Elly May?
Did ya forget her, too?
I'll fetch her home with
the beans and fatback.
I'm going with ya this time!
You can't be trusted!
Okay, Granny, but be careful!
(metallic clanging)
Come on. Cut mud!
I'll hang onto this handle.
By doggies, boy,
you sure got the bugs
worked out of that thing.
Just for that, you and your
company can go hungry!
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪