♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Jed! Jed!
Where are you?
Luke Short's boy is here!
Come on, Elly May!
Luke Short's boy is here!
Well, bus must
have come in early.
Don't keep your
husband waiting, Elly May!
Husband?
Well, I mean, husband-to-be.
Now, Granny, you promised
you wouldn't go talking
marriage right off.
All right, all right.
Open the door
and let the groom in.
Good morning,
Mr. Clampett, Granny.
Howdy.
Miss Jane.
Apparently, you were
expecting someone else.
I can come back.
Oh, no, no. Come in, come in.
You're just in time for
a heart-thumping treat!
Guess who's coming?
Cary Grant?
Rex Harrison?
Paul Newman?
Aah! Get hold of yourself.
It's Luke Short's boy.
Who?
Come to think of it, Granny,
I reckon Miss Jane ain't
never seen Luke's boy.
Well, you heared
of him, ain't you?
Well, I'm afraid not.
Tell me about him.
Well, first off,
his pa owns the
general store back home.
Oh, yes, I've heard you speak
of Luke Short's General Store.
Is this Luke Junior?
Well, his given
name is Beauregard,
but everybody calls him Beau.
Luke had 13 young'uns,
and Beau was
the pick of the litter.
(laughs)
Prettiest baby I ever did see.
Had yellow curls
all over his head.
I remember when he was a
boy, his pa used to cut his hair,
and the girls used
to crowd around
and scrap over the clippings.
His pa had to take
him out of school
'cause the girls couldn't keep
their minds on their studies.
Then he went to
clerking in the store,
and Luke's business
just doubled.
On Saturdays, you couldn't
get close to that store
for the mamas
and their daughters.
JED: They used to come
from 40, 50 miles away.
More than that
if they had a ride.
No two ways about it,
Luke Short's boy
was always looked on
as a catch of the hills.
A son-in-law you
can be proud of, Jed.
He's here to marry Elly?
Now, Granny, I ain't
heard a word about that,
and it ain't fair to get
Elly all steamed up
over something that
might not happen...
(truck horn honking)
They're here! They're here!
Elly! Come on!
Jethro's back with your husband!
My goodness, I'm quite
nervous at the prospect
of meeting this
extraordinary young man.
No need to be, Miss Jane,
because in spite of all the
fuss that's been made over him,
Beau has managed to
keep both feet on the ground.
JETHRO: Uncle Jed! Granny!
He's here!
Come on in, Beau!
Howdy.
Howdy, Beau.
Good to see you.
Thank you, Mr. Clampett.
Beau, you old heartbreaker,
you, how are you?
Fine, Granny.
(laughs)
This here's Miss Hathaway.
Howdy, Miss Hathaway.
How do you... How
do you do, Mr. Short?
Well, everybody in the parlor.
I'll fetch some cold cider.
I'll get Beau's suitcases.
I'll do that, Jethro.
You put the truck away.
Yes, sir.
Well, how was...
how was your trip?
Your first visit here?
Don't you care to talk?
I'm sorry, ma'am,
but for all I know,
you might be one of
them Hollywood sireens.
I beg your pardon.
Pa warned me not to
answer no questions,
'cause that's how they find
out where you carry your money.
Oh, I assure you I am
not a Hollywood sireen.
I'm glad, 'cause I
got pretty near $30
sewed into the
lining of my suit.
Go on in the parlor.
I'll take these up to your room.
I'll take 'em, Mr. Clampett.
I brung presents for everybody.
He's a regular
fashion plate, ain't he?
Yes, you don't see
clothes like that too often.
Well, of course,
with his pa's money,
he can afford to
be a style-setter.
You go on in.
I'll go up and fetch Elly.
Oh, let-let me do that.
You go and entertain
your company.
Well, thank you.
She ought to be ready by now.
Granny got her started
early this morning.
I'll bet she's excited.
Well, Granny is.
I ain't so sure about Elly.
Elly May, Beauregard's
waiting to see you.
Are you ready?
ELLY MAY: I sure am.
Howdy, Miss Jane.
Oh, Elly May, what in the world!
Why have you done this?
Well, Granny told
me to put on a dress
'cause Beau Short was gonna
ask me to marry up with him.
Well, he certainly won't
ask you if you look like this.
That's what I figured.
But, Elly, why don't
you want him to ask you?
You can always say no.
Not with Granny around, I can't.
Well, Granny's had me
and Beau matched up
since we was this high.
But you didn't care for him?
He never was nothing
but a little sissy dude.
I used to b*at him up
and throw him in the pond.
He wouldn't even fight back!
I see.
I sure don't want to marry up
with no man that I can whup.
Well, Elly May,
whatever your reasons,
this will only
embarrass your father.
We'll think of a more subtle
way to discourage Beau.
I can b*at him up and
throw him in the pond.
I think we can be even
more subtle than that.
Maybe Elly'd hurry some
if'n she knowed that I brung
her a bag of jawbreakers.
I'm going up and get her.
No need to, Granny.
Miss Jane'll fetch her down.
Well, I ain't waiting no longer.
I'm gonna open my
present right now.
Hot dog!
Look at this!
Pa turned me loose
at the candy counter.
(laughs)
JETHRO: Milk bottles,
chocolate money, red hots,
bee hives, and my
favorite, candy bananas!
No wonder the girls
was always after you.
(goofy laugh)
(quietly): Now,
believe me, Elly,
he'll be much more
frightened of you this way.
Now remember... You're
a Hollywood sireen.
I'll do my best, Miss Jane.
GRANNY: Here's Elly.
Now, come on.
Let's leave these
young'uns alone.
(gulping)
(speaking breathily):
What's the matter, Beau?
I just swallowed
a... jawbreaker.
Elly May, you've changed.
Have I, Beau?
Yes, ma'am.
You-You ain't the girl I
was expecting to see at all.
Your face is full of powder,
and your lips is
painted, and... (sniffing)
you smell from prefume, and...
I never seen such a tight dress.
My daddy warned me to keep
away from women like you.
Did he, Beau?
Yes, ma'am.
But he's nuts.
Let's get married.
Where are we going?
Outside.
I'm gonna b*at you up and
throw you in the cement pond.
Well, son, when's the
wedding gonna be?
Granny, I've been wondering.
Do you think Elly really
wants to marry me?
Why, of course she does.
What made you ask?
Well, uh, if you hadn't
have stopped her,
she was gonna b*at me
up and throw me in the pond.
That's because she's a
high-spirited girl, Beau.
You want a high-spirited
wife, don't you?
Well, I reckon.
But I ain't keen on spending
my married life in the water.
That's just her way
of showing you how
much she loves you.
A fella could drown
on that kind of love.
Now, don't you worry, Beau.
You just keep thinking
how beautiful Elly looks.
Oh, she is prettier than
a fresh-caught trout.
Make you a dandy wife.
If'n I could just be sure
she really loves me.
I never did like him,
and I don't like him now!
He ain't nothing
but a sissy dude.
I'm gonna b*at him up
and throw him in the pond.
Now, Elly, that ain't
gonna do nothing
but get Granny mad and Beau wet.
Mr. Clampett, since I feel
that I am in a large measure
responsible for this situation,
I am ready to throw
myself into the breach.
What you mean?
Well, when Mr. Short
first met me, he assumed...
Mistakenly, of course...
That I was a
Hollywood temptress.
Suppose I play on that theme
and lure him away from Elly?
Well, uh,
that's, uh... that's
mighty nice of you, uh,
but once you got him,
what would you do with him?
Ah, yes. There's the rub.
But we've got to get
Elly out of this somehow.
Well, let's start by getting
her out of that dress.
The more Beau sees
of her looking like that,
the harder our work's gonna be.
I know just the dress to put on.
Good.
Hey, Elly,
them biscuits you made
this morning was just great!
Well thank you, Jethro.
Look at this rascal.
I hit it dead center
with six sh*ts
and didn't even chip it.
Where you going, boy?
I'm gonna ask Beau
if he wants to do
some target sh**ting.
Well, uh, why don't you stay
here and visit with Miss Jane?
Where's the rest of
Elly May's biscuits?
Granny hid 'em under the sink.
She's gonna bury 'em later.
Oh, I tell you, Beau,
Elly is the luckiest
girl in the world
to be getting out
of Beverly Hills
and going back to God's country.
But do you think
that someone that's been
living in a mansion like this
could get used to living
over a general store?
'Course I can.
I-I mean, Elly.
Sit down, Beau. Sit down.
Granny, I'd like to have
a little man-to-man talk
with this young fella.
Fine and dandy.
Go right ahead.
I got a hole to dig anyway.
Oh, uh, by the way, Beau,
how'd you like the biscuits
that Elly May baked?
What biscuits?
You mean, Granny
didn't give you none?
No, sir.
In fact, every time I
mentioned Elly's cooking,
she changed the subject.
Well, I reckon she
just didn't want to brag.
Fact is, Elly May's
biscuits is so special
that Granny has to hide
'em under the sink here.
(loud tapping)
Ooh-wee! They-They sure
are scrumptious-looking.
And the rest of her cooking
is just as good as her biscuits.
(loud crunching)
Nice and crisp.
That ain't your teeth I
hear busting up, is it?
No, sir.
I got dandy strong teeth.
I was practically
raised on jawbreakers.
Well, I reckon that brings
us to the man-to-man talk.
You sure you're in
love with Elly May?
You know, to tell you
the truth, there is one thing
about marrying Elly
that's got me worried.
What's that? ELLY
MAY: Howdy, Beau.
Howdy, Pa.
Elly May Clampett!
Now you have gone and
showed Beau what you really look!
I don't care.
Oh, ain't she a mess?
I declare, you could
throw her in the river
and skim ugly for two months.
Well, that takes
care of my only worry.
It does?
Yes, sir.
You see, I'm gonna be
busy in the general store,
and I need a wife
that ain't too grand
to slop hogs and scrub the
floor and clean out the barn.
You just got to marry me now.
Come on, we's going to the pond.
Now, wait a minute, Elly.
He just had one
of your biscuits.
He'll sink like a rock.
Where are you taking
me, Miss Hathaway?
Just over to the sofa.
I have something very important
to talk to you about.
But I'm already spoken for.
I'm not going to
ask you to marry me.
I'm going to ask you
not to marry any woman.
Well, gee, uh, what
else can a fella marry?
Beau.
Once in a blue moon,
a man comes along
who is the answer to
every woman's dream,
her secret love, Mr. Ideal.
Beau, you are such a man.
I am?
Yes.
You're too good
for any one woman.
You belong to all
women everywhere.
I do?
Yes.
As long as you're free,
they can have a dream.
Don't break their hearts.
What'll I do?
Fulfill your destiny.
Be a man of the world,
a Prince Charming to
all the lonely Cinderellas.
Be the sweetheart
of a thousand women.
Gee... I'm gonna need a bicycle.
Hey, Beau, you ain't
really going to marry up
with my dumb ol'
cousin, are you?
No, he isn't, Jethro.
He's going to be
a man of the world,
a sophisticated
international playboy.
Aren't you, Beau?
Well, I'd hate to break
all them women's hearts.
I-It sounds like more fun than
getting throwed in the pond.
Only, I don't know how to be
a sophisticated
international playboy.
Heck fire, I can learn you.
You, Jethro?
I mean, you, Jethro, of course.
What better teacher?
Come on, Beau.
What, what do we do, Jethro?
Well, we go into town
and we stand on a corner
and we get us some girls.
Is it that easy?
It is when you got what we got.
Howdy, ma'am.
We's a couple of sophisticated
international playboys.
Care for a handful of red hots?
Howdy, ma'am.
We's a couple of playboys...
Sophisticated international
playboys, that is, and...
Beau, you got to get
to the candy quicker.
Let 'em know we's sports.
Well, I'll try, but these city
women move awful fast.
Howdy, ma'am, how
about a jawbreaker?
Good idea.
Jethro.
Yeah, Beau?
I believe I'd just
as soon go home
and get throwed in the pond.
I want to thank you
again, Miss Jane.
I don't know what you told Beau,
but whatever it was,
it sure got shed of him.
(chuckling): Well, I, I simply
appealed to his male egotism
and suggested that
he reject monogamy
and choose instead the
more hedonistic existence
of a bon vivant.
Yeah, well, whatever that
is, it sure got shed of him.
Jed, Jed!
Get the g*ns, get the hounds.
That Beau Short has
run out on your daughter.
Granny, wait.
We've been waiting
since Elly was 12.
Now that she's finally got a
fella, he ain't getting away.
Oh, dear, I didn't foresee this.
Well, I can handle Granny.
Where'd the boys go?
Into town to flirt with girls.
Well, that ought to
keep 'em there a spell.
Come on, Duke, hurry.
Get up, you lazy bag of bones.
We've got to track down
that two-legged weasel
that has tromped
on the family honor.
Here you are, Jed.
Here, Miss Jane.
Now, just sh**t to scare him.
We want him to be able
to stand up in front
of the preacher.
Well, uh, let's have
Miss Jane take her car
and look for the rascal in town.
Good hunting, Miss Jane.
You know what he
looks like, don't you?
Roger wilco.
I hope she don't bring
him back instead of Beau.
She won't.
Now, Granny, you scour the
country out back of the house
and I'll cover the
other direction.
Can I take old Duke with me?
My nose ain't
what it used to be.
Sure, good luck.
If I see him, I'll
fetch him back.
He might be limping
a little, but he'll come.
What are you
sh**ting... Rock salt?
No... Rice.
It stings just as bad
and hints at the same time.
Jethro, why did you
come back so soon?
We wasn't doing
too good, Miss Jane.
I got a awful wallop.
I'd have done fine if that
hick hadn't been along.
You know something,
Miss Hathaway?
Maybe I just ain't cut out
to be a sophisticated
international playboy.
You can say that
ag... Oh, but you are.
You both are.
Handsome and intelligent, suave.
Yeah, a-and loaded with candy.
What do you reckon
could have went wrong?
Of course.
You don't have the one thing
that immediately identifies
an international playboy.
What's that?
Boutonnieres.
What'd you do, eat
'em on the way out?
We don't stock 'em, Jethro.
I was referring to the flowers
that debonair gentlemen
wear in their buttonhole.
You mean if we was to go back
and stand in front of your bank
with them flowers,
we'll do better?
I guarantee it.
See you there...
Uh, see you later.
Au revoir.
Well... yonder's some flowers.
Let's get picking.
Good, we're in time.
Now, you know your assignments.
If you carry them
out convincingly,
you not only get
this afternoon off
but you may come in
late tomorrow as well.
Oh, that's wonderful.
You don't have
to worry about me.
I go to acting school at night.
Fine.
Are you sure this will be
all right with Mr. Drysdale?
I'll take full responsibility.
Besides, Mr. Drysdale
is out of town.
(all laughing)
Here they come.
To your posts.
Howdy, ma'am, I'm a...
Sophisticated
international playboy.
Yes, ma'am.
See, Jethro, you don't
even need the candy.
Hot dog!
Howdy, ma'am.
(gasps)
Oh, I can't believe it.
After all these
months of waiting,
and now, at last, destiny
has brought me face to face
with a sophisticated
international playboy.
Be still my heart.
Be still my wildly b*ating...
Aw, knock it off.
Y'all want to go for a
ride with us playboys?
I'd love to.
How about you, ma'am?
Uh, we can drive up to my
Uncle Jed's and have a swim.
Well, it sounds wonderful,
but we haven't
any bathing suits.
Shucks, we'll buy you some.
Oh, we couldn't let you do that.
Listen, baby,
you're with a couple
of sophisticated
international playboys.
He's got purt near $30
sewed into the lining of his suit.
Jethro.
Pa said not to tell that
to no Hollywood women.
But, Beau, they expect
us to be big spenders.
Well, all right.
I got two dollars in silver.
We'll blow that.
Listen, playboys,
we can stop by my place
and get some bathing suits.
Okay. Just for you three.
I got one in my suitcase.
Swell.
Howdy, ma'am, this
here is Jed Clampett.
I'd like to talk to Luke Short.
Oh, he runs the general
store back in Sibley.
Sibley?
Oh, that's just a couple
of wagon greasings
up the road from Buckner.
Buckner?
Well, that's just a hoot
and a holler south of Mincy.
Why, ma'am, Mincy
is the county seat.
Come on, Beau,
the girls is waiting.
Hey, Jethro, i-is that
all you're gonna wear?
Well, sure.
This is what you wear for
swimming in Beverly Hills.
Oh, well, then I ain't going
up there with them girls.
Beau, this is what fellas wear.
Doggone it, I forgot my flower.
You go up and talk to
the girls, and I'll go fetch it.
Well, go on.
Oh, here comes
one of our playboys.
Uh, what's that you're wearing?
This here's a swimming suit.
You're kidding.
No.
It's been hanging in
Pa's store for a long time,
but nobody could
afford to buy it.
As a going-away
present, he let me have it.
Uh, for half price.
Well, I think it's cute.
Who's that?
Howdy, Granny.
Beau Short, you miserable
two-timing varmint.
What are you doing with
them strange women?
Where's your bride-to-be?
Oh, I ain't gonna
marry Elly May.
You ain't?!
No, ma'am.
I'm a international playboy.
I belong to all women.
Well, I'm blowing off my chunk
of your worthless
hide right now!
Granny!
Is that a fact?
Well, Luke, I wonder how
come Beau didn't say nothing.
Oh, yeah, I know what you mean.
Jethro didn't get
seconds on brains neither.
(g*nshots)
No, Luke, that ain't thunder.
Sounded more like Granny,
but I don't know what
she'd be sh**ting at.
Oh, yes, I do.
I'll call you back.
Come here, boy.
You hold him while I
get some more rice!
He's going to marry Elly
if it's the last
thing he ever does!
Granny, I've just been
talking to Luke Short.
Beau didn't come
out here to marry Elly.
He didn't?
No... he come out here
to be what they call
"inducted" in the army.
Supposed to be down
to some fort by 6:00.
We'd best get him on his way.
(indistinct chatter)
Uh, Jethro, uh, you
want one of the girls
to ride up there with you?
Oh, no, that's all right, Beau.
You're the one that's
going in the army.
(indistinct chatter)
Bye! Beau. Bye-bye.
What I want to know is
why he had to come all the
way out here to get inducted.
Well, Luke said the army
couldn't take a chance
on drafting him back home.
The girls would have rioted.
Yeah, Beau always was looked on
as the catch of the hills.
(theme song playing)
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪