03x33 - Jed, The Bachelor

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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03x33 - Jed, The Bachelor

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

Here it is, Chief,
signed and sealed.

Never mind that.

What's the situation
up at the Clampetts?

How's the climate?

Is there still talk of
moving back home?

I'm afraid so, Chief.

Granny is determined to go.

Stubborn little woman.

Jethro, on the other hand,
wants the family to stay here.

Fine, intelligent boy.

Elly May will do
whatever Jed says.

And what does Jed say?

For the time being, at
least, he favors staying here.

Wonderful man.
Salt of the Earth.

Well, that takes care of that.

I'm afraid not, Chief.

You still have Granny
to contend with.

Forget it. Without the
others, what can she do?

Granny, wait.

Granny, don't go.

Won't do no good
to beg, young'uns.

I have waited my last wait.

I'm goin' home.

You can't walk all the
way home with this load.

How ya gonna
push it up the hills?

I'll get up enough
speed goin' down one hill

to take me up the next.

Granny, ya ain't goin' alone.

All right, grab a handle.

Pa says I got to find
homes fer my critters first.

Can't you wait a week or so?

I have spent my last
night in Beverly Hills.

And I have missed my
last Dewberry Festival.

I am goin' home.

How you gonna find your way?

I'll sniff my way.

The sweet William
and verbena is in bloom.

But, Granny, it's
around 1,600, 1,700 mile.

You ain't no chicken.

You bet I ain't no chicken.

When I say I'm goin', I'm goin'.

Where ya gonna sleep?

I can sleep anyplace.

I got a warm blanket,
a loaded shotgun,

and a full jug.

Come on, Pa, you gotta stop her.

Elly, ain't nobody
gonna stop Granny

once she's got her mind made up.

She is kinda set in her ways.

That little woman is so muley,

if you throwed her in the river,

she'd float upstream.

Uncle Jed, Granny vows and
declares she's gonna walk home.

Only thing to do is let
her get it out of her system.

She can't walk all that
way pushin' that load.

She won't. About ten
or 15 miles up the road,

her feet'll talk her out of it.

Good-bye, everybody!

I'm leavin'!

Now, whatever you
do, don't coax and plead.

The more we beg, the
more she's gonna enjoy goin'.

Bye, Jed.

Bye, Granny, have a nice trip.

I'm goin' clean home, you know.

Tell everybody howdy fer us.

I ain't comin' back.

Be sure and write.

Ain't no use tryin'
to talk me out of it.

I'm goin'.

You got a nice day fer it.

I won't be around to
cook and sew fer you...

clean house and
doctor you and all that.

Now, don't you worry about us.

Get some miles behind
you before nightfall.

All your gnashing and
wailing ain't gonna stop me.

Okay. Bye.

Bye, Granny. Bye, Granny.

Well, I'll be switched...

Not a gnash or a wail.

(groaning)

Well, she's on her way.

Want me to follow
her on the truck?

Then when I see
she's gettin' tired,

I'll just pick her up
and fetch her back.

No, boy, we got to let
Granny keep her pride.

How we gonna get her back?

Well, after she's
good and tuckered out,

she'll call and pretend
she's worried about us.

I'll tell her we's havin' a
miserable time without her.

Then what?

Well, after a few
"I-told-you-so's"

and "serves-you-rights,"

she'll offer to come
back fer our sake.

Then I fetch her.

That's right.

And maybe we'll
have peace fer a spell.

Well, Pa, whilst Granny's gone,

can I have some of my
critters in the house fer vittles?

Well, I reckon it is
your only chance.

Thank you, Pa.

(whistling)

Come on, everybody,
we's eatin' in the kitchen!

(barking)

(barking continues)

I hope they leave some vittles.

I hope they leave some kitchen.

(goat bleating)

Uncle Jed, this would
be a real good time

fer me to go down
to Mr. Drysdale's bank

and ply my trade.

You mean ciphering?

Well, shucks no.

I give that up along
with brain surgeoning,

double naught spying
and streetcar conductoring.

I got me a trade now
that beats them all.

What's that?

Being a sophisticated
international playboy.

You do that down at
Mr. Drysdale's bank?

Out front.

You just dress up, put a
flower in your buttonhole,

and wait fer some a
pretty girl to come by

and throw herself at you.

That don't hardly
sound like the kinda thing

you'd want to make
your life's work.

Don't knock it
till you've tried it.

You want to come along?

No, thanks.

I can learn you to be
a playboy in no time.

I believe I'll pass it up.

It's a heap of fun.

They's some awful
pretty girls down there.

Forget it, boy.

A man my age has
got to watch his step.

Okay.

Funny thing... When
you get to be old enough

to watch your step,
you ain't goin' nowhere.

Mind your manners, everybody,

vittles'll be ready in a minute.

(barking)

(barking)

Hey, Elly May,

you're gonna have to get these
critters out of my bachelor pad.

Out of your what?

Bachelor pad.

That's where us sophisticated
international playboys

does our entertaining.

Since when are you one of them?

Since Miss Jane told me how.

It's easy... I just stand
in front of the bank

with this flower
in my buttonhole.

This tells the girls I'm
a sophisticated playboy.

It don't tell me nothin'.

That's cause your a
dumb ol' country girl.

But when a sophisticated
city woman sees this, look out.

I might fetch eight or
ten of them rascals home

fer grits and gopher gravy.

Well, they can
have whatever's left.

Elly May, you ain't feedi" them
critters my playboy vittles, are you?

I'm feedin' them Granny's
grits and gopher gravy.

Gee whiz, couldn't you
give them something plain

and save the fancy
stuff fer my company?

You can give your company
turnip greens and sowbelly.

Granny left a big
bowl in the icebox.

Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

They might be playboys
that serves grits and gravy

in their bachelor pads,

but I betcha they ain't many

that can come up with
turnip greens and sowbelly.

All right, now, y'all
mind your manners,

but don't dawdle neither

'cause Granny might just turn
around and come back any minute.

And none too soon neither.

(cries out)

Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Howdy, ma'am.

Excuse me, ma'am, I reckon
you didn't see my flower.

Don't you know what I am?

Yes. You're a creep.

No, ma'am, I'm a sophisticated
international playboy.

Doggone.

I must've got ahold
of a bad flower.

Jethro, what are you doing here?

Trying to be a playboy.

Playboy?

Yeah, Miss Jane told me how,

and the other day I
got me a girl like that.

But today...

Oh excuse me...
yonder comes one.

What is he talking about?

Well, it's a long story,

but the other day I arranged
for one of our girl employees

to find his playboy
pose irresistible.

Well, arrange for another one.

If he gets unhappy with
Beverly Hills, I'm really cooked.

What's the matter?

Ain't you a city woman?

Can't you see I'm a
sophisticated international...

See what I mean?

An' that ain't nothin.

I been mean-mouthed,
face-slapped, shin-kicked,

foot-stomped and dog-bit.

Wait, Jethro. I'm
gonna try my luck

in front of Mr. Cushing's bank.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm sure
your luck will change.

Don't you agree, Miss Hathaway?

Absolutely.

Be patient, Jethro.

The right girl will come
along any moment.

Stay right here, playboy.

There's the Commerce Bank.

And there's our masher.

That hayseed?

He fits the description they
gave me at headquarters.

He's pretty big.

Maybe I'd better
make the arrest.

I'm supposed to get
some evidence first.

Let him make a pass at me.

You wait here, I can handle him.

Howdy, ma'am.

The heck with this.

I'm goin' home and
get something to eat.

Howdy, ma'am.

Well, hi, handsome.

Hey.

You must know a playboy
when you see one, huh?

I sure do.

You want to come up
to my bachelor pad?

That's all I need to hear.

Okay, buster, let's go.

Boy, you really
anxious, ain't you?

Wait'll you see
the vittles we got...

Greens, sowbelly, pone, sorghum.

You're not getting away from me.

You really must like
greens and sowbelly.

Boy, did my luck change.

Granny call yet?

No, sir, ain't heard a word.

By doggies, I knew she
had up a head of steam,

but I sure thought
she'd give out by now.

Her or that o" wheelbarrow one.

I'm gettin' kinda worried.

Me, too. Maybe I'd best
send Jethro out looking.

Well, Jethro ain't
back from playboying.

Well, there ain't nothin' we can
do then but set here and wait.

You want a plate
of grits and gravy?

Yeah, that'd be fine.

Here you are.

My, don't that look scrumptious.

Don't it though?

I can't figure out why
ol' Duke didn't finish it.

You know, worrying
about your Granny

has kinda took my appetite away.

I just hate to think of
that poor little woman

trudging down the road,
pushing that heavy wheelbarrow.

GRANNY: ♪ They'll be
dancin', they'll be singin' ♪

♪ All the bells
will be a ringin' ♪

♪ They'll be dancin', they'll
be singin' when she comes ♪

♪ Oh, they'll tap a keg of
cider when she comes ♪

♪ Oh, they'll tap a keg of
cider when she comes ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

What are you stopping here for?

We ain't home yet.

Well, I don't know where
home is for you, lady, but for me,

it's up that side road,
and I'm awful late.

Well, where in tarnation are we?

This is the end of nowhere.

No. It's just a couple
miles out of Las Vegas.

Las Vegas? What's that?

You never heard of Vegas?

I ain't never heard
of Las, neither.

Vegas is a pretty famous place.

Is it anywhere near Sibley?

I'm afraid I never
heard of Sibley.

Well, that's just a hoot
and a holler from Mincy.

You know Mincy.

Sorry.

Oh, sure you do.

That's where the river
road cuts off to Bug Tussle.

Bug Tussle?

That rang a bell, didn't it?

I'm afraid not.

You ain't never
been to Bug Tussle?

No.

Oh, you poor man.

Tell me, do you
like fun and music

and bright lights
and excitement?

(laughing): Oh, sure.

Then you go to Bug
Tussle on a Saturday night.

(laughs)

They don't even
blow out the lantern

till 9:00 or 9:30.

You're kidding.

There's a room in
back of the feed store.

They play checkers for money.

No!

Well, Bug Tussle sounds
a little too rough for me.

Las Vegas is more my speed.

Well, uh, I sure wish

I could drive you on
in, but I'm awful late.

But you won't have
any trouble getting a ride,

because there's a lot
of traffic on this road.

I hope I didn't scare
you off Bug Tussle.

Oh, no. I'll get over
there sometime.

I hope you enjoy Las Vegas.

Do you think they
have a telephone there?

I'm pretty sure they have.

That's good.

I want to call my family.

They's probably having a
miserable time without me.

I hope.

(phone rings)

Granny, is that you?

Oh, hello, Jethro.

Where are you?

Well, what are
you doing in jail?

Mashing what?

What you do, step on her foot?

Boy, you ain't making no sense.

All right, I'll have
Mr. Drysdale

a-come over and help you.

All right, I'll tell him
to bring a bail bucket.

Thanks for getting
me out of jail.

Now I can't wait to
get out of Beverly Hills

and go back home.

Jethro, wait!

Don't use that kind of language!

You can't be serious.

You want to be a
playboy, don't you?

Of course! And for that,

you need beautiful girls,
bright lights, excitement!

Yes. You can't find
all that back in the hills!

Ha! You ain't seen Bug
Tussle on Saturday night.

BOTH: Bug Tussle?

Yeah, and the girls
there don't throw you in jail

when you ask 'em over
for greens and sowbelly.

Let's talk this over.

I'm through talking.

I'm on Granny's side now.

And just as soon
as I can get packed,

I'm gonna jump on that truck

and see if I can
catch up with her.

Catch up with her?

Yeah, she left this
morning on foot.

All by herself?


No, she took her wheelbarrow.

I was right.

Las Vegas ain't no Bug Tussle!

I bet it ain't even
got a telephone.

Ow!

I sent Jethro out in the truck

to see if he could pick
up a trace of Granny.

He's got Duke with him.

Oh, they'll find
her. I know they will!

Well, if they don't,

we'll just load up
and head for the hills.

Oh, Mr. Clampett!

Don't worry. We'll find
her on the way home.

Oh, don't talk
like that, please!

Calm down, Mr. Drysdale.

She'll be all right. Who?

JANE: Granny.

Oh, yes, yes. Well, don't
you leave, Mr. Clampett.

You stay right here,

and Miss Hathaway
and I will look for her.

Indeed we will.

We'll alert the police,
the highway patrol.

We'll hire detectives,
we'll get a helicopter.

And offer a big reward.

Well, that's nice of you,

but you don't need
to go to all that trouble.

What's a little trouble when
we're talking about your money?

Granny!

Mr. Drysdale, I declare,
you are so wrought up,

you don't know
what you're saying.

Now you come on right over here,

and you sit down,

and you have a
nice cup of coffee.

But we've got to find Granny.

It'll be dark pretty soon.

Oh, she can take
care of herself.

Chances are, she already
found some nice quiet spot

to bed down for the night.

(loud crowd chatter)

(loud crowd chatter)

Hello, Jed. Jed?

This is Granny!

I say, it's Granny!

Quieten down out there!

I can't hear myself think!

Hello, Jed?

Hello, Granny. Where are you?

I'm in some crazy
town called Las Vegas.

I tell you, Jed,

this place makes Saturday
night in Bug Tussle

look like Sunday
morning in Sibley.

She's in some place
called Las Vegas.

Las Vegas?!

Well, there goes my money.

I mean, your money.

Granny, should I send
Jethro in the truck to fetch you?

Oh, you can't do that.

It's over 300 miles.

Just a minute, Granny.

300 miles?!

Man, that's what
you call walking.

If she hadn't have been
pushing that wheelbarrow,

she'd be plumb home.

Hello! Hello!

Somebody get me out of here!

I want to come home!

Mr. Clampett, uh...

Hello, Granny,
Jane Hathaway here.

Now listen carefully.

Go to the airport
and wait there.

Mr. Drysdale and I
will fly up and get you.

(rooster crowing)

That's real good, Bessie.

All you need is somebody
to work the pedals for you.

Elly May, what are you doing?

Well, Bessie's practicing
to help you drive back home.

I ain't going back home.

Mr. Drysdale done give me
an office job down to his bank.

When?

Last night when he fetched
Granny back from Las Vegas.

I'm gonna have my
name on the door,

secretaries and everything.

What you gonna be doing?

What everybody else does
that works in offices, I reckon.

Sit at my desk,
take coffee breaks,

go to the water
cooler, watch the clock,

stuff like that.

How about getting
me one of them jobs?

Sorry. Mr. Drysdale says
I got the only one they is.

I'm a... What you
call... Let see, um...

Junior Executive
Research Consultant!

Chief, I wonder

if Junior Executive
Research Consultant

might have been an
unfortunate choice of titles.

So give him a new title.

Did you get him some girls
from the secretarial pool?

This is the secretarial pool.

I simply put Jethro's
name on the door.

That should take care
of our frustrated playboy.

That leaves our frustrated
queen of the road.

Oh.

Don't worry about her.

Granny was so exhausted
and bewildered by Las Vegas,

I don't think she'll want to hit
the road again for a long time.

I tell you, Jed, I used to think

Beverly Hills was full of nuts,

but that Las Vegas
has got 'em all b*at.

What do they do that's so nutty?

Well, first of all, they got
hundreds and hundreds

of these little picture
machines all over the town.

Picture machines, huh?

Yeah. You drop in some money,

haul down on this pump handle,

and little pictures goes
to spinning around.

I see.

And, Jed, people stand around

just pouring their
money into them things.

Must be mighty fine pictures.

Aah! Can't even see
'em till they stop spinning,

and when you do,

guess what you have
spent your money to see.

What?

Little bitty pictures

of some sorry-looking fruit.

No!

Yeah.

Lemons, cherries,
plums, oranges.

And they ain't even
especially good pictures.

Well, how much does it
cost to look at these pictures?

Oh, they got 'em all prices.

I watched one fella.

He was pumping in nickels.

Turned around,

and there's another
fella spending dollars

to see the same sorry picture.

Well, that does seem
a mite frog-brained.

Didn't nobody complain?

None to speak of.

I was there a good while,

and I only seen two or three
of 'em get their money back.

(phone ringing)

Jed Clampett speaking.

Oh, hello, Jethro.

Well, just a minute. I'll see.

Uh, Jethro wants to know,

can he fetch home
his sectaries for vittles?

Sure.

Fetch away, Jethro.

Come on, let's go.

There's the truck
up the street yonder.

Y'all pile on, and we'll
go up to my bachelor pad.

Any more girls in there?

All right, buster, let's go.

Oh, it's you again.

I see you didn't
learn your lesson.

Well, this time, you
won't get out so easily.

Oh, just a minute.

Them girls is all my sectaries.

Ah, sure they are!

Well, it's true.

I'm what you call
a Junior Executive.

You're what you
call under arrest!

It's a wonderful feeling to
have everybody happy again.

If I do say so myself,

I think I handled
this whole situation

with intelligence
and... (door opening)

Granny! Wait!

Nothing doing!

I ain't spending one more
minute in Beverly Hills!

Granny, come back, please!

Won't do you no
good, Mr. Drysdale.

She's on her way.

I thought everything was fine.

DRYSDALE: What happened?

Well, what set her off

was cooking a whole
table full of company vittles,

and then Jethro not showing up.

But if you ask me,

she can't wait to get
back to Las Vegas.

Las Vegas?!

Last night, she thought

it was the craziest
place she'd ever seen.

Still thinks so.

Figures to turns it into
another Bug Tussle and get rich.

Get rich?

Granny says that anybody
who will spend good money

to look at fruit pictures will
pay a fortune to learn checkers.

(theme song playing)

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
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