03x04 - A National Affair

[bunniefuu]

A Brooklyn romance gone wrong

as lovebirds Dory Sief and Drew Gardner

have been charged with m*rder
and become tabloid pariahs

in a case that's amassed
international attention

for its unusually stylish perpetrators

and the mountains of
evidence against them.

The best friend is
saying that she helped

- them bury the body.
- I mean, personally, I'm a huge fan.

I love, like,
a shameless homage to the ' s,

that sort of Bushwick culture.

I'm all in.

He's a cutie, though.

- [LAUGHTER]
- I see why she likes him.

See, she's like me.
She likes a tall man like an oak tree.

She can climb to the top

and then slide all the way down.

[WOMEN LAUGHING, CHEERING]

Could these two
seemingly charming hipsters

be cold-blooded murderers?

You be the judge.

♪ Obedear, the sky is low ♪

♪ Watch fluent seamen
rig their rudders ♪

El, I did everything you said to do.

I listened to you.

I asked for a lawyer,

and then I get there,
and they were all, like, you know,

asking me questions willy-nilly.

It's like, what am I supposed to do,
just not answer?

It would've been so
quiet and awkward, El.

You know,
I don't really understand what happened,

- Portia.
- What?

You literally signed a document

that set you free and
screwed over everyone else.

What is gonna happen to me now?

That's the good thing.
Nothing's gonna happen to you,

because I asked, and they said

you're not worth pressing charges over.

But my reputation, Portia!

But your reputation was already bad!

But that was my choice.
This is so much worse, okay?

Now everyone's really gonna think

I helped my friends bury a body.

You did bury a body, Elliott!

That was way below the belt, Portia.

And now it's your word
against mine in a court of law

when we should be a united front.

But we are a united front.

I'm gonna go be with my family...

People who really love
me and wouldn't betray me

in the way that you have.

♪♪

[DOOR OPENS, SLAMS]

[CLATTER]

♪♪

CASSIDY: But you have every
right to be so mad at Portia,

and I know it's tempting to
share that with the world,

But for now,
I think it's best to keep a low profile.

Yeah, the only thing is, is, like,

I'm going a little
stir-crazy here, okay?

'Cause there's, like,
a moat of paparazzi,

like, outside of my apartment,
and I swear to God

they are coming in
here at night, Cassidy,

and they're stealing my shoes.

- They're not doing that.
- Yes, they are.

I've lost like four pairs of
Keds in the last two weeks.

Have you ever lost that
many shoes at that rate?

Reid. Reid.

- Hey.
- Hey, buddy.

Hey, okay,
I'm feeling kind of weird about this.

Can't you just tell
me what you're up to?

Yeah, it's really better if I don't.

Okay, and maybe I'm paranoid.

It's just that there's
something in my past

I want to make sure stays in my past.

Okay, well, if you get caught,
you have to say

you stole all this stuff from me.
Mom and Dad are gonna

k*ll me if they find out
I helped you with this.

Reid, you're not gonna get in trouble.

Okay. Driver's license, debit card,

- and two plane tickets.
- Thank you.

- [EXHALES SHARPLY]
- Okay, great.

I really, really appreciate this.

- Okay.
- Good to see you.

- Be careful.
- Okay, yeah. You, too.

Portia flipped,
I'm gonna have to testify now,

and all I want to do is
have lunch with my family

and plan my wedding, you know,
without all this noise.

I mean, it's supposed to be
the happiest time of my life,

and, I'm sorry, but I just
want to ignore this entire mess

and do what any country
does in unstable times...

plan a big, gorgeous wedding.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh!

- Ah, Mommy!
- Hi.

- How are you?
- [LAUGHTER]

Oh, good to see you.

Ah, you, too.

Oh.

- Daddy!
- Ah, there he is.

- Oh.
- Hey. Oh, my God.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

My goodness.

Oh.

Look at you two fiancés.

[LAUGHTER]

Does anyone else hear that?

Is that wedding bells ringing?

[LAUGHING] No.

[LAUGHING] Wallace!

- Wedding bells.
- Oh, I am so sorry we're so late.

The butlers got into a jealous fight,

And I had to break them up.

Can you believe that?

Grown men fighting about
who should draw our baths.

Mommy, don't brag about butlers.

Elliott, don't talk to
your mother that way.

We've earned butlers.

I know. I'm sorry.

I just... You know, a lot's
going on right now, so...

Ah, I understand
how stressful it's been.

You know,
I don't want to talk about this anymore.

I want to talk about
things I understand...

Love. I would like to make a toast.

Oh, I love that.

- Oh, Mommy, this is...
- When Elliott came out,

I thought, "Well,
there goes football season."

[LAUGHTER]

And the Goss legacy.

[CHUCKLES]

I wasn't the best mother in that moment.

I thought being gay meant
a life of sex addiction

and lubricants and loneliness.

And I'm not too proud to
admit now that I was wrong.

And I still haven't
quite forgiven myself,

Especially because I
just adore you, Marc.

Aww, Audra.

- She's gonna make me cry.
- Oh.

You've taught me that gay means "happy."

- That's right. Yes.
- And it does.

Gay means "happy",

and I see how gay you make my son.

And it just fills my
heart with so much joy.

And I just...
I want to thank you for marrying my son.

- [SIGHS]
- To a big, blond family.

To a big, blond family.

[LAUGHTER]

Beautiful, Mom.

♪♪

Oh, hi.

- [CHUCKLING] Hi.
- June.

How'd you know it was
me and not my twin, April?

Have we met?

Uh, y... uh, yeah.

Yes, yes, I-I think we have.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Um, uh, I'm sorry.
This is not really a great time.

I was just leaving to, um...
to go to the gym.

It's kind of an emergency.

Have you seen April?

She's been gone for a while, and...
I have a scary feeling

about it.

♪♪

No.

No, I can't say that I've
seen her in quite a while.

Tell her, Dory.

Tell her that you k*lled the
only family member she ever had.

The last thing she texted me

Was that she found the money
for my heart transplant.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my heart's just too big.
It always has been.

It's a ticking time b*mb.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm really sorry to hear that.

Well, if you know any information,
even if you think

it's not important but you
get a little ping, call me.

Here's my number.

Here's my number.

Okay. Absolutely.

Well, thank you, Well, thank you,

-and have a really wonderful day
-and have a really wonderful day

- and an incredible workout.
- And an incredible workout.

[CHUCKLES]

Julian.

Senator Ferguson?

Get in.

I owe you an apology.

Do you remember those photos I sent you,

the ones of my bare torso and my,
um, inner thighs?

Mm-hmm. Yep, yep.

Listen, you met me at a very
difficult time in my life,

And that was completely
out of character.

And I want - to make things right.

I just need your phone.

I don't have it. I've lost my phone.

I-I can look for it,
see if it turns up somewhere.

We're friends, Julian,
so I'm asking nicely,

But I have to go back to Washington,
and my friends there

might not be so gracious.

They might not even ask.
They might just kick your teeth in.

[CHUCKLES] Who knows?

I never said I was psychic.

Anyway, good luck.

[TWIN CAVERNS' "THE CROWN" PLAYS]

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

MAN: Dory, what do you think

about Portia's statement to the police?

No comment.

MAN # : You headed to the gym?

Want to tell us which one?

Sorry, boys.

MAN # : Come on, Dory.

One for your fans.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ Carry apart ♪

♪ My wooden heart ♪

♪ Saves unbroken wings ♪

♪ From hell ♪

♪♪

Hey, there, sir. How are you?
I'm, uh, just in the neighborhood,

kind of going door to door,
talking to people

about renewable coal, and, um... wait.
I'm sorry.

Uh, Chris Jason?
[CHUCKLES]... Oh, my God.

From Sundown Middle School?

- Huh?
- Oh, my God.

Uh, it's Drew Gardner.

Do you remember, man?

We hung out for like a month
together back in the day.

It was like... must've
been years ago.

Oh, yeah.

- What the the hell, man?
- Yeah!

- What the the hell, man?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Look, so, yeah, what... I-I-I don't...

I don't want to do
whatever you're selling

- or whatever you want me to do, okay?
- Okay, yeah, no, just...

[STAMMERING] Whoa, I'm sorry.

Kind of burst in there.

Uh, yeah. Man, now
I'm just thinking, like,

We should catch up.

M-Maybe I come in. Yeah.

Uh, don't you have to,
like, keep doing your job?

Come on, man.

You know jobs are wack.

- Let me in. Come on.
- All... All right, yeah.

Yeah, cool. Awesome.

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

- Man, this is so cool to be in here.
- All right, cool.

CASSIDY: Was it a surprise to learn

that your friends were
accused of m*rder?

I mean,
it was an absolute shock to my system,

like, swirled up in a
larger shock of life changes.

Like, not only was I balancing the news

that my, uh, best friends
were being accused of m*rder.

I was realizing that I needed
to become a CEO overnight,

and I also took a quiz online

that made me realize
I'm probably bipolar.

So, to answer your question,
yes, I'm in pain.

CASSIDY: So, what do
we think about Chantal?

And be perfectly honest,
because your input

will determine whether
or not she's a witness

in this high-profile trial.

I'm sorry.

Does she have a disease?

I don't want to use insensitive
language if she has a disease.

I hate her.

She's all shadow side. No light.

My first thought when she began speaking

was, like, of...
of, like, sticky jelly on my fingers.

- Oof.
- I wish her the worst, And I hope

it comes true ASAP.

- She's definitely guilty.
- Guilty and diseased.

Okay, guys, but she's a witness.

- So, get another witness.
- Yeah, it's obvious.

Okay, I can't get another... I'm sorry.

Um, I probably shouldn't
be telling you this,

But there's only like a
handful of alibis, okay?

There's Chantal, there's Elliott Goss,

and then there's that hot French guy

who d*ed climbing the
CN Tower in Toronto.

So we have to bring her to the stand.

You can't.

We hate her.

Shame on you.

All right, uh,
my wife has tried every dessert.

I think it's time for a check.

It's already been paid for
by that heinous conservative

pundit sitting over there.

Oh, my God. That's Charlie Reeny.

She's very controversial.

Beautiful, though.

- Oh, my God.
- She's coming over here.

- Are you sure?
- She recognizes you-know-who.

Oh, she's here.

Hi, family.

Hi. I paid for your lunch.

Uh, we heard.

Thank you.

I suppose I owe you my firstborn?

You can return the favor
by coming on my show.

As if.

This is not an ambush.

- I just want to talk.
- [CHUCKLES]

Everyone else wants to hear
from Drew and Dory, but not me.

I want to hear from you.

I like that you're crazy.

I'm sorry, but I cannot
stomach your values.

I resent everything you represent.

Okay. If you change
your mind, let me know.

I have . million viewers who

would love to get to know you.

[SCOFFS]

Can you imagine?

[SCOFFS]

MARC: Let's talk flowers.

AUDRA: Oh, my gosh.

[BIRD NOIRE'S "GHOST" PLAYS]

[WHINES]

Do you have a charger?

- Do you have...
- [WHIMPERS]

Do you have a charger?!

Does anyone have a charger?

♪♪

- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- Sorry.

- Y-You take that one.
- I'll take this one.

- Okay, thanks.
- Yeah.

♪♪

[TREADMILLS BEEPING]

♪♪

[SCOFFS]

Can you believe that?

Some people are just plain vile.

She's so guilty.

Don't you think?

- Uh, I don't know.
- I've been reading up on it.

The DNA's all over the body,

And she was having an affair with him.

- That's crazy.
- Yeah.

The only reason she's not
already locked up for good

is because she's pretty.

If I ever met her in real life,
I'd spit in her face.

♪♪

[TREADMILL BEEPS]

You tricked me, you little cum whore.

If you don't get out
of this gym right now,

I will rinse your filthy,
shitty little mouth out with dish soap.

Okay, I'm gonna leave.

I will not work out in a place

where little murdering
sluts break a sweat.

Yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm trying to leave.
It's just...

It's not working.

Get out. Shoo!

Shoo, you! Shoo, you!

Get out, you bitch!

Get out!

You get out, you little murdering whore!

You slut! Pig Bitch.

♪♪

Ha! Ha!
Could you imagine being a "Braveheart"?

Just stabbing a horse, like, running...

Like, a horse shows up...
You s*ab it right in the belly?

It's... It's really cool

because, like, you were into
swords when you were little,

and... and it's really nice to see

that your taste has...
hasn't changed, um, at all.

Oh, my God. We should play that game.

Remember, when we were kids?

I don't.
Guess you'll have to explain the game.

- The game? Come on.
- You have to get up.

- Get up. Come on.
- Okay, okay, I'm up, I'm up.

- Okay, I want you to get over here.
- Just...

- Oh, f*ck.
- Right there, okay? Just chill.

Oh, okay, okay, yes.

Easy, easy.

Oh, yeah, this game.

Pass out!

Come on! Pass out!

[GROANING]

[GROANING]

Oh, no!

Dude, I almost got you.

All right, come on. We got to
at least do it until you pass out,

- Or else it's pointless.
- Wait, wait, wait.

- No, no, wait wait, wait.
- Come on! Come on, come on!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!
No, no! Chill! Chill!

What?! What?!

Time out.

Oh, man.

You want to know what I was thinking?

Do you remember those tapes that we made

When... when we were younger?

Remember that?

- Oh, yeah!
- Those were so fun!

Do you have those?

Yeah, yeah. Uh, yeah, actually,

I think I got a bunch of DVDs In the...
in the garage

all boxed up from them.

The one that I keep thinking

about that I would love to see

is that swan one.

[GASPS] Oh, my God!

Oh, yes!

Yes, my guy! Yes!

Yes... Yes, my guy!

- Yeah.
- That was the funniest sh*t.

- Really?
- Yeah, I loved that.

Oh, man,
I thought you actually hated doing that.

And I just remember that we

stopped hanging out after that.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

But if you want to see it,
I can probably go find it.

Go. Go find those
tapes, you sick bastard!

Okay, I'll... I'll... That's what's
up!

[GRUNTS]

♪ Jesus knows our every weakness ♪

♪ Take it to the Lord ♪

♪ In prayer ♪

♪ The Lord in prayer ♪

PASTOR: I'm always astounded
by how many incredible singers

We have in this congregation.

As many of you know, this week

marks the four-year anniversary
of my family's bus crash.

My entire family d*ed,
and yet I came out

without a scratch.

God wanted me to survive

so that I could know the
true meaning of abandonment.

[GASPS]

Does anyone here know what
it feels like to be so alone

that you feel like a little
kid wandering the streets,

sobbing to yourself?

Yes.

I don't think I recognize you, darling.

Are you a new member?

No, I'm not a member.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to interrupt church.

Are you a believer?

I don't know what I think.

If I can be perfectly frank,
I sense a longing in you.

Why don't you come on up here, dear?

[ORGAN PLAYING]

♪♪

♪♪

- You're a seeker.
- [CRYING] Yes.

- You want answers.
- Yes.

You want something that can
fill the hole in your heart.

Yes.

Do you want to know the everlasting love

of Jesus Christ... Yes!

... to know his glory

and to join this
congregation in eternal life?

I do! I do!

I do! I do! I do!

Oh, this might be it.

YOUNG CHRIS: Come on! Go!

[CHUCKLES]

There I am.

Are you rolling?

Drew lost the duct-tape challenge again,

So we're at, um, Two Swans Country Club,

and he's gonna make
sure that, after today,

there's, um, only one swan.

All right, give me the camera.

And take this.

- [CHUCKLES]
- YOUNG DREW: Come on, Chris.

I don't know if I
really want to do this.

BOY: Don't be such a little p*ssy, Drew.

YOUNG CHRIS: Ah, he's
being Drewbitch again.

Drewbitch. Drewbitch.
Drewbitch! Drewbitch!

- [LAUGHS]
- Drewbitch.

- There it is.
- [SWAN HONKS]

YOUNG CHRIS: Go, go, go! Yeah, chase it!

Yeah, do it. Come on.

Hit it!

Come on! Don't be a p*ssy!

Oh, my God. It's getting... Remember?
This is the part

That's coming...
Oh, you're actually gonna do it!

You're gonna do it!

[SWAN HONKS]

Oh! [LAUGHS]

- Do it! Yeah!
- God!

Oh, you smashed the
sh*t out of that swan!

Oh, whoa. Oh, man.

Yeah, that was good.

Man, you'd do anything I told you to do.

- Hey, babe.
- Hey, babe.

Hey, uh, this is my buddy, Drew,

From middle school,
and he sells coal now.

This is Kelsey, my girlfriend.

Nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

Uh, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, geez.

What's up?

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Really?

[CONTINUES WHISPERING]

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Hey, uh, dude?

Yeah? You got to go.

Why? I mean, we're
having such a nice time.

My God. He said get out.
You're a frickin' k*ller, and

I don't want you in my house,
or I'm gonna call the cops.

Okay, no, don't...
Don't call the cops, okay?

Just, uh... I'm leaving.

Oh, God. Backpack.

Chris, it was so nice to see you.

I, um... I'm gonna take this DVD,
and then I'm gonna go.

Chris, don't let him take
our items. That's ours.

Chris?

I said get the f*ck out!

Okay, I'm gonna go.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Okay. Back up off of me!

Oh, my God! Okay, okay, okay, Chris.

- Chris, Chris, Chris.
- Hey! Hey! Hey!

- Is this the only copy?!
- What?

Is this the only copy

- of the swan video?
- Answer him.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah! I don't know!
- Chris, answer him!

- I don't know!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Is that piss?

- No!
- Aw, baby.

- Back up!
- Oh, my God!

- Get back there.
- Chris, Chris, Chris.

Okay?
If you call the police, I will k*ll you!

- Do you understand?
- Just leave!

Get out of here! Take your DVD! Go!

I'm not Drewbitch anymore!

What does that even mean?

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

MAN: Here she comes.

- Dory, Dory.
- Dory.

- How was your workout?
- I'm just trying to go home.

Don't you guys have
something better to do?

Do you k*ll all your boyfriends,
or is this...

No, I do not. [GRUNTS]

- Oh, no. Ohh!
- [LAUGHING] Oh, man.

Can you just give me some
space so I can get my stuff?

Crazy. Why do you got gum?
You got bad breath?

- What else you got in there?
- Where are my keys?

Oh, you looking for something?
Are you looking

for the m*rder w*apon?

No, I'm looking for my keys.

Guys, who took my keys?
Seriously, give them back to me.

First, she's trying to blame
someone else for her m*rder.

Now she's blaming
us for taking her keys?

[LAUGHTER]

Show me your hands.

- Show me your f*cking hands!
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Show me your hands!

I know you have my keys!

- Show me your hands!
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Did you check your pockets?

[KEYS JINGLE]

Okay.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Really funny guys, huh?

Somebody slipped
them back into my pocket

And made me look like a f*cking assh*le!

Leave me the f*ck alone!

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

♪♪

- Dory.
- Dory.

[DORY SCREAMS]

["DIES IRAE" PLAYING]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪