05x22 - The Trouble with Danny

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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A widower enlists help to raise his three daughters..
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05x22 - The Trouble with Danny

Post by bunniefuu »

Oh, Michelle, look at you.
Your very first cleaning belt.

Honey, it seems
like only yesterday

you could barely
hold a Handi Wipe,

and now look at you, sweetheart.
You got your own squeegee.

I'm really growing up.

Yes, you are.

You know, I'm gonna
tell you a little secret.

D.J. and Stephanie,
they've never really

fully appreciated
the beauty of tidiness.

But you, Michelle,

you are the one that can
carry the Tanner tradition

of total cleanliness
into the 21st century.

I can do it.

I know you can.
Because what are we?

We're the lean, mean,
cleaning machine.

Let the spring-cleaning begin.

You know what, before
we call the others in,

let's practice your
squeegee technique

on this table right here. Okay?

Okay, take out your squeegee.

Now, feet spread slightly apart,

shoulders level.

Okay, choke up on the handle.

Now, keep your eye
on the dirt at all times.

Do it, baby.

You're a natural.

I learned from the best.

[BLOWS]

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ How did I get
Delivered here? ♪

♪ Somebody tell me, please ♪

♪ This whole world's
Confusin' me ♪

♪ Flowers as mean ♪

♪ As you've ever seen ♪

♪ Ain't a bird Who
knows your tune ♪

♪ Then a little voice
Inside you whispers: ♪

♪ "Kid, don't sell your
dreams So soon" ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Ready? Peekaboo.

Where's Mommy?

Peekaboo. Where's Mommy?

Peekaboo. Where's Mommy?

JOEY [AS BABY]: Behind your
hands. What am I, a dummy?

Joey.

[GASPS] Joey, look!

Nicky's crawling!

My baby can crawl!

Oh, my gosh, Becky, your
son's turned into a walrus.

Jess! Jess, come quick!

Oh, your dad is gonna
be so proud of you.

What?

Jess, you have to
see what Nicky did.

Hey, it's your turn
to change him.

No, Jess, Nicky can crawl. Look.

Doesn't crawling involve
some sort of movement?

Well, I swear, honey,

he was just crawling
up a storm a minute ago.

Go get the camera
so we can videotape it.

All right. BECKY: Jess! Quick!

What?

The kid's a potato.

Jess, I swear, he
was really hauling tush.

Yeah, it's true, honey.

He just doesn't do it
when you're around.

All right, fine. I'll just
sit here until he crawls.

BECKY: Jess! JESS: What?

Nothing.

Guess what day it is?

It's spring-cleaning day.

The happiest day of the year.

All right. Come
on, let's humor him.

It's time to clean.
Let's squeegee!

Dad, do we have
to do this today?

The dirt'll be here
next weekend.

Yeah, it's the first
sunny day in weeks.

Don't worry, you guys are
gonna get to go outside.

One of your jobs is to
polish and clean the mailbox.

Hot dog.

Danny, it's your own
personal Christmas.

What fun do you have
in store for us today?

Well, this could
be the most exciting

spring-cleaning since '88.

Oh, yeah, that was the year

I got to Simonize
the rain gutters.

Hey, Jess, maybe you can
take the rain gutters this year.

My ship has finally come in.

Okay, everybody.

It is time for the traditional
handing out of the assignments.

Okay. Excuse me.

Each area of responsibility
has been personally selected

to reflect the
strengths and abilities

of each and every member
of the cleaning crew.

Aw, man, I got toilets again?

Well, who knows 'em
better than you, really?

What's my job, Daddy?

What's your job?

You get to be
Daddy's special helper.

I'm Daddy's special helper.

Well, pin a rose on your nose.

Okay, troops, dirt is the
enemy. We take no prisoners.

Now, get out there
and make me proud.

On your mark, get set, clean!

Grab your Brillo and your broom.

ALL: Grab your
Brillo and your broom.

Danny is a loony tune.

ALL: Danny is a loony tune.

Sound off...

How did I get stuck
waxing this guy?

Hola, Tanneritos.

Hi, Kimmy.

Come on, Deej.

The football team's
having a car wash.

If we hurry, we can see

the entire defensive
line in wet t*nk tops.

Sorry, Kimmy, but we're
doing spring-cleaning.

Hey, dad will be happy.

There's only one wad of
Joey's gum under here this year.

All right, I'm finished
with the fireplace.

Let's see what's next.

Clean the logs?

Well, there. I finished cleaning
every toilet in the house.

They're spotless.

So if you have to
go to the bathroom,

please go to the Texaco station.

What's wrong with you people?

How can you get this
house any cleaner?

It's already the cleanest
house in America.

For the first time, Gibbler
actually is makin' some sense.

Had to happen some time.

Fresh sponges.

Get 'em while they're hot.

Danny, we don't
need sponges, all right.

We did all our jobs.
The house is clean.

We're out of here.

We'll see you later. Bye.

DANNY: Freeze!

Are you telling me
you guys cleaned

this entire house in two hours?

Oh, pu-lease.

Danny, we've been workin'
here. Check the statue.

Okay, I'll do just that.

Get my trusty rag out here.

Okay.

A little wax in his
ear, but, uh, not bad.

Okay, let's move on.

Jesse, I believe your job
was to clean the fireplace.

Special helper,
white glove, please.

My pleasure.

We never clean at my house.

We move in, trash the place
for five years, then move out.

Okay, here we go.
Just check in here.

Huh.

Well, what do we have here?

Yes, what do we have here?

It's just a little soot.

Just a little soot?

Did you hear that, Michelle?

I'm afraid I did.

You know, I've been
making random inspections

of every room in the house.

And so far I've
found the following:

mold, mildew, fungus, soap scum.

[GASPS] Not soap scum?

Yes, soap scum.

Ooh.

Guys, come on.

Once a year I ask you
all to roll up your sleeves

and really do a
job on this house.

If you do a job, you
give 100 percent.

Otherwise, let's
not do a job at all.

Okay, let's not
do the job at all.

[ALL CHATTERING] Oh, come on.

I know you don't mean that.

You all take as much pride

in a clean house as I do.

Let's get back out
there and really clean.

And when you're all done,

I got a special
surprise for you.

You're taking us
to Happy Mountain?

No, it's even better
than that, honey.

I'm putting new shelf paper

in each and every
one of your closets.

Yay!

What?

[♪♪♪]

Everyone, come in.

I have to tell you
something. What?

Come on. What is it?

Is it just me, or is Dad
worse than ever this year?

Hey, there's nothing
wrong with your dad

wanting to be a little clean.

All right, wanting
to be very clean.

All right, he's a
psycho with a dust mop.

It's not just the cleaning.
He gets so carried away.

He's the only parent who
packs a coaster in your lunch.

What about all his rules?

Does it really
matter if you chew

each bite of food 24 times?

Yesterday, I only did it 22,

and let me tell
you, it felt good.

Well, your dad does like
to pay attention to detail.

Every detail. On every subject.

In the universe. Mm.

What drives you crazier?
His stories or his rambles?

What's the difference?

Here you are.

Did we forget today that
it was spring-cleaning?

That's another thing.

He turned our
sweet little Michelle

into a junior neat freak.

Do you really care if the
inside of the chimney is clean?

Yes, I do. And so
does Santa Claus.

She's totally brainwashed.

Everything should be
washed. Now, let's get busy!

Poor kid. She's
really turning into Dad.

Yeah, before you know it,
she's gonna start rambling.

Making up crazy rules.
Making stupid schedules.

The last thing we need
around here is another Danny.

I hear ya. BECKY: Yeah.

[♪♪♪]

Dad's coming down.

Line up for inspections.

Do we line up by size,
alphabetically or by age?

IQ. Joey, you're at
the end of the line.

Okay, everybody,

stand up straight
and look clean.

Ready for inspection,
O prince of tidiness.

Here's your white glove.

Uh, I won't be
needing that, honey.

There's not gonna
be any inspection.

No inspection?

Dad, we just
cleaned for four hours.

Well, thanks, but...

Look, I'm gonna
take a little drive

up to the mountains and
just do some thinking, okay.

So I'll be back later.

You guys just have a nice day.

[♪♪♪]

Attaboy, Norman.
You're doing great.

Boy, the guy at the
Rent-A-Burro place was right.

I'm glad I sprang for
the midsize. All right.

Keep going. All
right, you made it.

Good boy.

Ooh.

Oh, yeah.

This feels great.

I'm gonna start riding a
burro to work every day.

Oh, man, would you look at that.

Come here, Norman.

Right there is
fine. That's fine.

You know,

I've had a lot of
time to think today.

Oh, man, what an eye opener.

You should've been
in that closet with me.

The people I love most in
the world think I'm nothing

but a compulsive,
neurotic, rambling jackass.

No offense.

How did I get so messed up?

I guess it goes back to my mom.

On my fifth birthday
she gave me my own set

of vacuum cleaner attachments.

[SIGHS]

She used to call me
her special helper.

Oh, my God, that's exactly
what I'm doing to Michelle.

She's... She's
probably gonna grow up

and write one of those
tell-all books, Daddy Cleanest.

I gotta make some
changes in my life.

Norman, thanks for
listening to me, buddy.

I guess you get a lot of guys

who come up here
just to talk, huh?

Hey, if you're ever
in San Francisco,

drop by for some
cappuccino, okay?

Isn't this view amazing?

Oh, man, nature
is just so beautiful.

[INHALES AND EXHALES HEAVILY]

It's so... So natural,
and yet... so dirty.

Look at this. There's
dirt everywhere.

Look at this mountain, Norman.

It's just one big pile of dirt.

But do you animals care if
the forest isn't vacuumed?

I saw what you did on the
trail back there, Norman.

For you guys,

nature is just one
big restroom, isn't it?

You know what?

From now on, there's gonna
be a new Danny Tanner.

Somebody who everybody
likes and they wanna be around.

Norman, it's the
dawn of a new man.

Yeah, natural,
spontaneous, carefree...

primitive.

[IMITATES TARZAN YELL]

Join me, Norman. Join me.

[IMITATES TARZAN YELL]

[BRAYS] Come on,
Norman. Chime in, baby.

[IMITATES TARZAN YELL]

All right, boys, come on,
crawl for your daddy, okay?

See, it's very simple. It's...

Right hand, left knee.

Left hand, right
knee. Very simple.

Let's take off. You
guys wanna race?

Here we go. On your mark,
get set, and we out of here.

Let's go boys. Okay,
boys, come on, come...

BECKY: Look, Joey.

Jess learned to crawl.

Oh, what a good boy.

I just wanna see my kids crawl.

Is that too much
to ask for a father?

Jess, look! What?

[BABBLING]

JESSE: Look at this.


My boys are crawling.
They're mobile.

All right! They're not just
lumps of potatoes anymore.

They're... They're
actually like little Slinkys.

We're gonna have to
babyproof the house.

That's all right, we'll
dig their little gates out.

Good goin', boys, all right!

You're such a good boy.

Guys, do some laps
around the playpen

until we make this
place safe for you.

D.J.: Dad's back!

STEPH: Yeah, we
just saw him pull up.

I'm home.

Hey, Danny. How you doin'?

Whoa. Whew.

Dad, someone has to say
it. You don't smell good.

Honey, I... I smell like nature.

Like the mountains
and the trees.

You smell like a
donkey to me. Heh.

But, hey, it's just
great to have you back.

[COUGHING]

Ah, don't worry about it.

There we go.

Danny, aren't you
gonna pick that up?

Sure, next time I go out.

You see, everybody, I've
changed all my priorities.

You can say goodbye
to Captain Clean,

because from now on

I'm gonna live my
life totally natural.

Hm. Naked?

Oh, great, potato chips.
Thank you. I'm starved.

Mm. Thank you.

Who the heck is that guy?

[BOTTLE CLINKS]

A man works up a
powerful thirst riding a burro.

Dad, you're drinking
from the milk carton.

You said that was illegal.

Well, the new law
is, "Hey, it's cool."

Danny, were you kidnapped
by the Grateful Dead?

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, who's the tall,
dirty guy... [SNIFFS]

who smells like a donkey?

Hola, Gibblerito.

Is that really you?

I'll find out if
it's the real him.

The real Danny Tanner
would not tolerate...

a nice glop of chocolate
on his nice clean refrigerator.

There you go. What
do you say to that?

What do I say to that?

I say, hey, it's cool.

Okay, yeah, that's fine.

But what if somebody a
little less mature came along

and turned that little glop of
chocolate into a smiley face?

Daddy, do something.
Joey's making a mess.

I'll do somethin'.

I'll add some hair. There we go.

All right. Perfect.

I'll find out it it's for real.

Okay, Mr. T, have a cow
and toss my rear out of here.

Ah, Kimmy, I love
your high jinks.

Daddy, you're scaring me.

Oh, don't worry, honey.

Your dad's just
a fun-lovin' guy,

not some psycho with a dust mop.

Come on, everybody. Why
don't we have some ice cream?

That'll be fun.

Here we go.
Everybody, grab a spoon.

No dishes?

No, sweetheart.

We're gonna eat this
right out of the carton.

Mm. There you go.

This is very
wrong, but I'll eat it.

Dig in. Come on, you guys.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, man.

Fix this. Here we go.

All right. Yeah. That
looks a lot more natural.

Okay.

Dad, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm, uh... I'm
unorganizing my closet.

What kind of nut
lived in here, huh?

Hey, Danny, back in the
kitchen when you said:

"Psycho with a dust mop."

Where'd you get that from?

Oh, I don't know.

Yes, you do. You heard
me say it, didn't you?

Okay, uh, look, I was, uh,

putting shelf paper
in D.J.'s closet

when you all were having
your little family meeting.

Ouch.

Listen, Danny, we're sorry.
We're embarrassed by that.

We didn't mean
those things we said.

We were just letting off
a little steam, that's all.

No, no, what you said was true.

And... you hurt my feelings,

but I'm glad I know how
you really feel about me now.

And I've changed.

Let me show you.

Watch this:

no more baking soda
in my sock drawer.

There you go.

You girls have a brand-new dad.

I don't want a new dad.

I'll chew each bite 24
times, just like you said.

I just want my old dad back.

So do I.

Who cares if
you're a neat freak?

If it wasn't for you, I
would never make my bed.

Me neither.

You guys really mean all this?

Danny, of course we mean it.

You keep this family running.

Yeah, you keep us organized.

I mean, there's nine
people living here.

Without you, it'd
be total chaos.

You know, I think I went
too far the other way.

I gotta find a balance

between Captain Clean
and Sergeant Sludge.

And could you help
Michelle find a balance?

Today, she made my
bed, and I was still in it.

Yeah, I guess I better have
a talk with my special helper.

But you know what, I gotta
vacuum up this baking soda first,

'cause it's driving me crazy.

Now, listen, before you do that,

just do us all
kind of a big favor.

Take a shower.

Okay. I'll be right out.

[♪♪♪]

Michelle, I think we
have to have a little talk.

I lined up all my animals.
They go to little, to big.

Look, sweetheart...

Why do you want
your animals like that?

Because they're
neat and they're clean,

and that's the way you like 'em.

Sweetie, come here.

Honey, I think it's wonderful

that you want things
neat and clean.

But sometimes
your dad likes things

a little bit too
neat and too clean.

And too much of
anything is not good.

Even ice cream?

Yes, even ice cream.

Maybe you should be
a little less like your dad

and maybe a little
more like your sisters.

You want me to be a slob?

No, I don't want
you to be a slob.

But just because your dad
likes things neat and tidy

doesn't mean you have
to be exactly like me.

I just want you to
be Michelle Tanner.

I can do it.

Aw, that's great, honey.

Now, are you sure you want
your animals to sleep like that?

Could they sleep
on my bed with me?

Yeah, but only if you get in it.

Go ahead. I'll
throw them to you.

Okay? Okay.

Here's Blinky and Pookie.

Here's Jimmy.

Okay, there's little Joel bear

with the beautiful
little blue ribbon.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]
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