04x02 - Something Sharp

[bunniefuu]

[SERENE TONE]

[BRIGHT MUSIC]

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

- [GASPS]
- Oh, my God!

You know what?

I'm actually so excited college is over.

- Me too.
- You know what I mean?

I'm ready to enter, like,

- an easier part of my life.
- Yeah.

- [SQUEALS]
- Uh, hi.

We're picking up our drink tickets

under Elliott Goss and Portia Davenport.

We graduated. [LAUGHS]

- We're graduates.
- I'm not seeing your name.

Elliott Goss, right?

Okay, that's weird you don't have my name.

Um, School of Poli-Sci?

- Yeah, no.
- No.

You always have the weirdest
luck with this stuff.

You know what? Just give me the tickets.

- It doesn't matter anyway.
- Portia!

- [GASPS]
- Hi!

We nabbed a table and got you guys beers.

- You guys!
- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Guys, we graduated!

[LAUGHS]

We're, like, officially adults now.

Don't say that, Drewski.
I don't wanna be an adult.

I just wanna be, like, a baby in a womb.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, sorry.

Oh, it's okay.

- Yeah.
- I have to admit.

Um, I'm weirdly feeling very hopeful.

- Hmm.
- You are?

- Make me feel like that.
- Come on, look at us.

I mean, Portia,
you're such an amazing actress.

- Aww.
- Stop!

- It's so true.
- BOTH: It's true.

When you walk on to the stage, like,

you just radiate this unique light.

- Aww.
- And Elliott...

- Don't.
- [LAUGHTER]

You're so smart,
and you read people so well.

You just understand them, you know?

There's no way that you're
not gonna be influential.

Okay, Dory, I'm gonna cry. Stop it!

- And Drew...
- Yes?

You're just... You're so sensitive

but grounded, you know?

I feel like people in the business world

are just gonna have to make way for you

because you're gonna be the
biggest-hearted human being

Wall Street has ever seen.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

- Oh!
- Cute!

I just wanna say that I think

we're gonna do and make

really beautiful things,

and have amazing lives,
and you're my family.

Aww!

To our family and to our amazing lives!

ALL: To our family and our amazing lives!

[ALL CHEER]

[PURITY RING'S "OBEDEAR"]

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, but dear, the sky is low, watch ♪

♪ Fluent seamen rig their
rudders so they'll... ♪

[BELL DINGS]

[LOCK CLICKS]

Bon appétit, mademoiselle.

I threw an extra nugget in today!

It was the last one in the bag.

I mean, why not? [CHUCKLES]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[BELL DING]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING] Can anybody hear me?

[SCREAMS]

Help!

Help me!

Hello?

Can anybody hear me?

[MUFFLED SCREAMING] Help me!

Can anybody hear me?

[SCREAMING]

- ♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
- [SCREAMS]

♪ Groove is in the heart ♪

- ♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
- [WHIMPERS]

[CHILDREN WHOOPING]

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

- [LAUGHS]
- [GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

♪ ♪

[GRUNTS] ALL: Oh!

- Hey, hey, hey!
- Ha-ha!

Too slow this time, Prince Grisly!

I'll win the heart of
the beautiful maiden yet.

Who could love an
unsightly animal like you?

- [LAUGHS MENACINGLY]
- Ahh!

Ahh!

Get him, Prince Grisly! Yeah!

Get him!

- [GRUNTING]
- Ahh!

Damn it, Gustave. Falling is for amateurs.

But you... you, man... You were amazing!

Best Prince Grisly we've ever had.

You nailed it, bro!

[PANTING] Thanks, man.

I love it! I love it so much!

I mean, did you see those kids?

They're just, like, laughing and smiling.

I could do this for the
rest of my g*dd*mn life.

Holy sh*t. Are you okay, Andrew?

Oh, yeah.

I'm just... I'm hot from the hat.

But shouldn't you be used to heat, though?

Didn't you say you're from South Africa?

Yes, I am. Yeah, I am from South Africa.

You know what's funny, dude?

Sometimes I can hear the accent in you,

but I really gotta stretch my ears for it,
you know?

- [URINAL FLUSHES]
- Yeah, yeah.

Actually, a lot of people say that.

It's, uh...

It's because my parents
were American diplomats,

so I just sort of inherited their accent.

- That's kind of cool, though.
- [GRUNTS]

It makes you cut from

a different kind of cloth, you know?

Nah. I'm one of y'all.

I belong here.

Why did you do this to me?

We were friends.

We're friend... We're your friends.

Ugh. Friends!

[SOFTLY] Why did you do this to me?

We were friends! Friends!

We were friends.

We were friends. We were friends.

Friends. We were friends.

Name?

Hi. Uh, Portia Davenport.

Yes,
everyone's reading for Portia Davenport,

but what's your real name?

No, I am the real Portia Davenport.

[ALL GASP]

Oh, maybe I am missing one.

No, I don't have one.

- Hi.
- Oh, gosh, hi!

- Hi there.
- Portia Davenport.

Such a pleasure. Hi, Roger Carrots.

Hi, Mr. Carrots, so nice to meet you.

- Greg Carrots... big fan.
- Hi.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

I'm so sorry, you guys, for just,

like, barging in on you

like this, completely unannounced.

I just needed to talk to you

because it was brought to my attention

that you are using my name and my likeness

in your film, "SAVAGE:
The Dory Sief Story."

Portia, before we get too far into that...
actually,

- this is perfect timing.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, Portia this is our
lawyer, Hugh Sneezer.

- Hi, Mr. Sneezer, so nice to...
- Hello, Ms. Davenport.

Put your hand away.

Let me just get straight to the point.

As a public figure in a very public trial,

you have hardly any ground
to fight us on our right

to portray you in any light that we favor.

And with all due respect,

if you're interested in
pursuing legal action,

I guarantee you it will be

an enormous waste of time and money.

Do we have an understanding?

I was actually just
hoping I could audition.

- Oh, audition.
- Yeah.

I just really think I could nail this part.

It would be such an honor

if I could prove myself to you as Portia.

Well, this has been an
incredible waste of my time.

- I'll see you both in court.
- All right, bye.

- See you, Hugh.
- Bye, Hugh.

- Bye, Hugh.
- Wow.

I mean, what makes you wanna play yourself?

I think it would actually be very healing.

I could kind of get some closure, you know,

really own it, take my power back.

You know what I mean?

I think there's a lot of dignity in that.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

I mean, that's interesting.

- Mm-hmm.
- That's very interesting.

Mm-hmm.

Um, of course,

you would not have to audition.

- Oh, okay.
- No, we would have

- to just talk amongst ourselves.
- Sure, yeah.

And then of course with the network,
Streamer.

- Okay, well, thank you guys...
- Great!

- So much for your time.
- Thank you.

- Yes.
- Great energy in this room,

- by the way.
- And you too... thank you.

Thank you so much for coming in.

- Bye!
- There she goes. [LAUGHS]

[ROARS]

Okay, this is what I'm talking about.

Our planet is literally
a ticking time b*mb,

but the Republican Party

is too busy demonizing the disenfranchised

- to even pretend to care.
- Okay, I don't even know

- what I'm looking at.
- What?

What even was that a video of?

Charlie, that was a video

of one of the world's last

prime glaciers eroding.

- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.

Our graphics department
made that, sloppily.

That was the worst video of mayonnaise

being poured onto a plate I have ever seen.

[LAUGHS]

And the gullibility of the left

- is out of control.
- Oh!

Okay, Charlie, a very famous scientist,

Eiricke Ludwig Hoggerman,
took that video yesterday.

Honestly, girl, just read a book...

- Okay, yeah.
- Once in your life.

Hi. I know who Eiricke is.

- He's a liar, just like you.
- Oh, Charlie,

I'm actually really glad
you called me a liar

because you're the biggest liar out there.

- Your hair's a lie.
- No, it's not.

- Your teeth are a lie.
- No, it's not.

Your ass is a lie.

- No, it's not.
- It's all lie, lie, lie, lie,

lie, lie, lie, lie, lie!

- No, it's not.
- Oh, really?

You sure about that? Okay.

Because I've actually found some

very interesting pictures of you

from that I'm sure

our audience would love to see.

[LAUGHING]

- Where did you get that?
- Facebook.

- Where did you get that?
- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- [GRUNTING]

- [SCREAMING]
- Ahh!

[LAUGHS] It's fake!

- It's fake!
- No, it's not!

Extensions!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Come on, sunshine.

Time to get up.

I don't feel well.

Why do you look like that?

Like what?

Oh.

Well, this is my Aunt Lylah's house,

so when I go into town,

I have to dress in disguise as her.

How old's your aunt?

Like, .

You think people think

you could be in your s?

You know, you don't seem sick!

It's my stomach.

I don't think I should be eating

the same thing for every meal.

- It's making me sick.
- Consistency is good for you.

Olympians eat the same thing every day.

Anyway...

I came down here because
I wanted to show you

something that I'm really
excited to show you.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- You made these?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, they're actually really good.

♪ ♪

Oh, wow.

Oh, my God. [BREATHES SHAKILY]

♪ ♪

[WHIMPERS]

I'm so happy to see these. I love them!

- No!
- [GASPS]

No! Dory, you don't love them.

You hate them!

Dory,

I made these so that you could work through

your trauma with them.

So look at Drew.

Look at him and tell him

you hate what he did to you!

[SOLEMN MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Hi, Drew.
- Hi, Dory.

It's so good to see you.

I've missed you so much.

I missed you too. I'm so glad you're okay.

- [SNIFFLES]
- Yeah.

[WHIMPERS SOFTLY, SNIFFLES]

[WHISPERS] It's okay.

No! No!

Dory!

You are never going to get better

if you're not willing to put in the work!

- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing's wrong with me.

I have an extremely high IQ.

I have a PhD in psychology,
an MFA in visual art,

and a doctorate in behavioral health,

which should be proof enough
that I am perfectly capable

of functioning in society.

If anything's wrong with me...

yeah, I guess, maybe I was given

a few too many options growing up.

Okay? Because that's pressure!

That's the pressure of true privilege.

No. That's not it, though.

[SNIFFLES]

You're... psychotic.

- I'm not a freak!
- I didn't call you a freak.

You called me a freak,

and I'm not a freak!

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

Well, wait. Can't I keep them?

No!

You're the freak!

Good luck on your date, Phil.

Don't be ashamed of that dead tooth, okay?

- [CHUCKLES]
- Elliott.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

Can Tina and I have your ear

- for a minute?
- Of course.

Let's cut to the chase, Elliott.

You're smart.

People like you.

There's something there.

We just haven't quite hooked into it yet,

and I think what's perhaps not working is,

no one really wants to see Blue State.

- Huh.
- Believe it or not,

our viewers are just not interested

in your political perspective.

I'll... I'll suck your d*ck.

Oh. No, no.

Thank you, though.

That's a solution to a different problem.

Tina had an idea I think might benefit us.

- Tina?
- So I was thinking,

what if Elliott Goss switched party lines,

had a little change of heart,

and came to see things our way...
the right way?

Wait, wait, wait.

So... so are you telling
me that you want me

to just become fully conservative?

Two smart conservatives

ranting about the liberal politics...

We'd call it "Right is Right."

Kay, wow.

I guess I just need you guys to understand

that what you're asking me to do

is quite frankly unholy,

and I'm honestly a little offended

that you think I would
just abandon my values

so flippantly like that.

- So...
- We understand that.

- Mm-hmm.
- And if you'd like to pursue

an anchor position at
another reputable network,

we understand that as well.

It just might be a little difficult

for a lying piece of trash personality

such as yourself.

I fear you may find your options

are a little limited.

Up to you.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, excuse me.

I'll need a % raise,
a permanent hotel room

at Columbus Circle, childcare,
and no one is allowed

to ask questions about that, and a zip line

from my family's trailer to
their town's post office.

Done and done.

Thank you guys so much. [CHUCKLES]

[GROANING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[MOANS]

♪ ♪

[SCREAMS] [GROANS]

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

Ahh!

♪ ♪

[SCREAMING]

- Dory?
- [GROANS]

Have you formed your apology yet?

I'm open...

[SNIFFS] To hearing it.

[SNIFFS]

Oh, my God.

I shat myself.

Oh!

- Oh!
- Oh, God.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not good with that kind of thing.

[GROANS] I'm sorry!

[GROANS] This is far too icky!

Uh, we'll just have to get you cleaned up,

and, um,
I'm gonna have to take you upstairs!

Oh, my God!

Now, if you try to run away,

I will break both of your legs.

Um... oh, God. Please turn around, okay?

Oh, you smell so bad. It stinks.

Okay, let's go.

We're going upstairs.

Okay, stop.

Turn. Turn around.

[KEYPAD BEEPING] No.

Okay.

Up we go.

Turn, turn.

No, there's nothing to see.
There's nothing to know about.

It's just a bunch of barbed wire.

Up past the snakes,

a bunch of snakes.

Okay, come on in.

We're in the bathroom now.

Almost home free. Keep stepping.

Okay, stop. We're at the tub.

Just gonna turn the water on for you.

[WATER RUNNING] Uh, okay.

Don't worry.

Um, a gentleman would never look

at his best friend's body.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Just, um, go ahead and step in.

Yep, it's one of the old claw-foot guys.

Okay, good.

- [BREATHES SHAKILY]
- We're set.

Just... ow! Jesus Christ!

Sorry.

That pipe's hot. Careful when you come out.

You'll wanna watch for that.

[SIGHS]

Did I ever tell you about that time

I met Princess Diana?

No.

I was five years old at boarding school,

up in the English countryside,

and the royals would pop in
and out all the time, you know.

But she came one day,

and she was just taken with me.

And she sat me on her knee,

and she wanted to know all my thoughts

on her career, you know,
but this was all very hushed.

And I looked at her,

and I said, "Diana.

You need to be taking risks."

You know, "I think you need to be willing

to put your life on the line."

Wow!

- That's... that's amazing!
- Yeah!

You know, I said,
"Make a statement, turn heads."

And lo and behold, two years later,

what is she doing?

[UNEASY MUSIC]

She is standing in a field of land mines,

proudly defying death.

Mm.

And, um, I... I bring it up

because, um,

you remind me of her, Dory.

♪ ♪

I mean, you're so brave.

It's really, really admirable.

Okay, shower time over.

Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Chip, can I just shower

just a little bit longer?

- Please?
- Oh, gosh.

No, I don't think so, honey.

I don't want you to get too prune-y.

[WATER DRAINING]

That was nice. [CHUCKLES]

I liked talking with you in the shower,

and I like feeling clean.

Mm.

Maybe we can do it again some time.

Probably not. [SNICKERS]

Oh, but hey.

If you do poop yourself again,

I'll just burn this whole house down.

Okay, kids,
it's time for me to put Ratty Raccoon

down for his afternoon nap.

Let's all sing him a song
to help him get sleepy.

[CHILDREN GIGGLE] ♪ If you can sleep ♪

♪ Then you can dream,
and if you can dream ♪

♪ That's when wishes come true ♪

[VOCALIZES]

[LAUGHTER]

Oh! [GASPS]

It's Darby the cowgirl!

Gosh,
I bet she's got some great American tales

from the Wild, Wild West.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Yeah!

Oh!

[LAUGHS]

[BANJO MUSIC PLAYS]

[SQUEALS]

- Andrew, stop!
- What?

- We could get in trouble.
- God, I can't help it.

You know what I'm in the mood for?

For me to tell you what I like about you?

Mm-hmm. [LAUGHS]

Well, you're good-hearted.

- You're positive.
- Mm-hmm.

You're happy, and you make me feel happy.

[SIGHS] Can I tell you something?

Of course.

Last year, during Wish Week,

when it was my turn to put
a star on the staff wall...

Yeah?

I wished for a tall white man

with sweet eyes to come and sweep me

off my feet,
and then when you started working here,

I called my abuelita, and I told her,

"I think my wish is coming true."

[LAUGHS]

Is your wish coming true?

I think so.

You know, I came here once as a kid,

and it was, like, my favorite memory.

And the last couple years

haven't really been so easy for me.

So...

I don't know why it didn't occur to me

to come here sooner.

I mean, it is so joyful here!

- Yeah!
- And, like, they play

- amazing music all the time.
- Yeah!

And the food rocks!

[BOTH LAUGH]

I know.

And all this time,

a beautiful princess was waiting for me.

[LAUGHS]

What more could a guy like me ask for?

[LAUGHS]

[CELL PHONE BUZZES, CLICKS]

- Hello?
- Portia!

- How are you?
- I'm so good!

Thank you so much for asking. How are you?

Good.

So we heard back

from the "Savage" producers...

Okay.

And we have interesting news.

So they're a little concerned

about how awkward it might get

to note your performance as Portia

being that you're the real Portia.

They wanna gauge your interest

in possibly playing the lead.

The le... the lead?
Who's the... what's the lead?

Well, it's your friend, Dory.

Wait. Sorry.

They want me to play Dory?

They think it'll be exciting stunt casting!

It's just... that's awesome.

I think... I do think I should
check in with Dory about it,

if that's okay.

Absolutely.

Well, let us know what she says,

- and we'll get into it.
- Okay.

- This is exciting!
- It is!

Oh, my gosh, thank you, guys.
Thank you so much.

Have such a great day.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

[DRAMATIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Come on! I just need something sharp!

♪ ♪

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLS]

♪ ♪

Come on, come on, come on!

♪ Groove is in the heart ♪

♪ Groove is in the heart ♪

♪ Groove is in the heart ♪

♪ Groove is in the heart ♪

Hi, Dor! It's me.

Oh, my gosh,
you are so cute in all your Europe pics.

I'm freaking out. I miss you so much.

Um, anyway, look, I'm calling to tell you

that I have some really exciting news!

I got a really big part!

It's this amazing complex role... of you.

It's you. The part is you.

And it's a big opportunity
for me as an actor.

And it's...
I'm calling to see how you feel about it,

and, you know,
I am calling to ask your permission.

But it's more of just a formality.

I am doing it,
regardless of what you think or say.

Anyway, kiss Paris for me! I love ya!

Okay. Bye!

Oh, my God. That was so stressful.

- [SIGHS]
- Mm.

Ell, is it crazy for me to take this part?

No. No, no, no.

I think it's so brave.

It's so badass,

and I'm proud to call you a friend.

You're so sweet.

You're making me feel so much better.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

I think it's, like, weirdly similar

to something I'm going through right now.

I think in becoming a Republican,

I'm actually, like, playing a part.

Just like you with Dory.
I mean, you're playing a part.

Like,
we're both playing parts in this weird way.

- Totally.
- Yeah.

I do think in your situation...

- Yeah?
- I worry that people

might not know you're acting.

Do you know what I mean?
Like, I think that they might

think you actually believe

the things that you're saying.

Well, I could hurt you back
and tell you that I actually

don't think you should do the movie,
but I won't

because we're in our s
now and we're supposed

to give up on helping each
other and actually put up

more walls in the name of boundaries,

but you didn't do that.
You're supposed to do that.

- But you didn't do that.
- Yeah, but, Ell, I just...

I think there's an acoustic issue

because you're not hearing me.

Okay?

I support you.

You have to support me.

Okay, I'm proud of you?

Oh, my God, I'm so proud of you too.

[BELL DINGS]

He...

[GASPS] [THUDDING AT DOOR]

Dory!

You ripped your home up?

I spent a lot of time making this for you!

Oh, D... the table!

- The couch!
- I'm sorry.

I just... [HUFFS]

I just needed to left off a little steam!

Well,
while you were letting off a little steam,

I was upstairs,
slaving away on some new food for you!

So I hope this slight change in diet

doesn't upset your system.

[GRUMBLING] Ooh!

You have put me through the wringer today,
little girl.

I'm wiped out.

[UNEASY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Feeling good?
- Mm-hmm.

You've got this.

I know.

Quiet on set.

And three, two...

[ROUSING MUSIC]

Good afternoon, I'm Elliott Goss,

and you're watching "Red State Blue State."

Now,
you may notice that my gorgeous co-host,

Charlie Reenie, is not sitting next to me,

and that is because the
network has generously given me

the stage to allow me to make a statement.

America, I owe you an apology.

Like many citizens today,
I too have been brainwashed

by the liberal media,
by the "arts and leisure elite,"

by socialist universities,
and by the coasts.

I have been living

in a political fantasy,

but no longer.

I am now and forever

a staunchly conservative Republican.

I believe in traditional
Christian family values,

speaking in English at all times,

and anaesthetizing the lower classes

with presidential fantasies of gold faucets

and beautiful women.

I love my beliefs, I love my country,

and I love my God.

End of story.

So, please, tune in next time

for "Right is Right,"

a new program where Charlie Reenie

and yours truly will agree on matters

pertaining to the "right" side of history.

Thank you.

And in place of tonight's
show, please enjoy

this black-and-white footage
of World w*r II airplanes.

And we're out.

[BELL RINGS]

So great.

How do you feel?

I feel...

genuinely fine.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Whoo! [LAUGHS]

Great.

Huh.

Oh, God.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[MUNCHING NOISILY, HUMMING]

[TOOTH CRACKS] Ah.

Ow.

[MOANS] Ow.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Ah.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Mm, mm ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Mm, mm ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Your boyfriend, he's no good ♪

♪ In the dark ♪

♪ I've got you in that way ♪

♪ You were making it hard ♪

♪ ♪

[COUGHS]