08x16 - Swing and a Miss

[bunniefuu]

[Crow caws]

Frankie: Travel... a rare
opportunity to visit other cultures

and see how they live.

We're here. Welcome to Casa Heck.

It's so cute!

Well, a few other words come to mind,

but I'll take "cute" any day.

We're so happy to have you here
for spring break, Lexie.

Thanks, Mrs. Heck.

Oh, my God. I love how the
kitchen is right near the entry.

It's so convenient.

At our house, the kitchen
is so far away.

It's a hike.

To get there, you have
to go through two hallways,

the family room, and the great room.

Well, you don't have
to worry about that here.

None of the rooms are great.

Well, I love it. It's just so homey.

And as a thank-you for letting me stay

in your super-cute home, I got you this.

Oh, look at this bag.

Is this the gift? Can I keep this?

[Chuckles]

Holy crap. This is beautiful.

It's for your fine candies.

Oh. Well, around here,
the candy usually goes

right from the bag to my mouth.

Hey, Brick, go find a place
for this where it'll look nice.

The Donahues'?

Sue: Come on, Lexie.
I'll give you the tour.

I think it looked best in the bag.

Yeah.

Announcer: All right,
bottom of the ninth here.

Orson Limestone's up by one,
but Royal Flushes have two on,

and Big Henry coming to the plate.

♪

[Indistinct shouting]

And the Royal Flushes score.
They win the game.

Final score... Royal Flushes ,
Orson Limestone...

Well, at least we had fun.

I'll get the orange slices.

I'm not having fun.

In fact, this is my fifth game
in a row not having fun.

Yeah. I mean, I know we have to have

two female employees on the team,

but do they got to be
the two oldest women on Earth?

How come we don't have any younger women

working at the quarry?

Chuck: Age is just a number, fellas.

All women are goddesses
in the eyes of the Chuck.

As long as that number stays
above , I'm with you.

Why did you play Eleanor
at second base?!

You know she got a bad hip!

Hey, we can't turn on each other.

The Royal Flushes obviously
stacked their team with ringers.

Either that, or that's
the most athletically gifted

group of plumbers I've ever seen.

Ooh, orange slices. Thank you, Eleanor.

We are truly blessed.

♪

[Sighs]

Frankie, hi.
How exciting is all this, huh?

You must be so proud.

Uh, yeah, I am.

I mean, it's just so special.

Are you just tickled to the core?

So tickled. [Laughs]

Well, congrats again, proud lady.

[Chuckles]

Hey, do we have anything to be proud of?

No, not that I can think of.

That's what I thought,
but Nancy Donahue drove up

while I was getting the mail
and kept going on and on

about how proud I should be,

and I had no idea
what she was talking about.

Why didn't you just ask her?

I couldn't.

I had already told her I was so proud.

I couldn't go back on it after
I'd already agreed with her.

I'd look stupid.

You know, historically, looking stupid

hasn't always been a deterrent for you.

[Sighs]

The nerve of her,
asking me if I'm proud.

She knows darn well we don't
have anything to be proud of.

[Gasps] That's it.

She's proud-baiting me.

She's got something she's proud of

and she's just trying
to get me to ask her about it.

I've helped as much as I can here.

♪

Uh, I think something
happened to my hair.

Oh, no. I should've told you.

We're still using the dog shampoo

my mom accidentally bought in bulk.

You can't use the regular amount...

it's in dog measurements.

It's okay. I-I'm sure it'll relax.

Hey, is that a hole in the wall?

It's so cute.

Yeah. It's a long story.

That goes to Axl and Brick's room.

Oh, that... that's Axl's room?

Is he coming home for spring break?

Yeah, but don't worry.
I'll cover the hole.

You won't smell the farting, but
you'll probably still hear it...

and smell it.

So, uh, is he still dating April?

Ugh. I don't know
what's going on with them.

They got married, then divorced,
now they're dating.

It's weird.

Huh. So, are they, like, exclusive?

[Scoffs]

God, Lexie, you sound like
my friends in high school

who used to like... [Gasps]

- Don't make me say it.
- Don't say it.

- I don't want to say it.
- Don't say it.

- I like Axl.
- No, you said it!

[Crying]

[Gasps] Wait.

Did you just start feeling this way?

'Cause that shampoo isn't FDA-approved.

The chemicals could've seeped
into your brain.

No, I've known for a while.

I thought I would get over it,
you know, like... like the flu.

Oh, I was wondering why
you'd ever want to come to Orson

for spring break instead of the Bahamas.

I'm sorry.

It's just, he's kind of cute
and funny and I-I can't help it.

Okay, okay. Okay.

[Breathing heavily]

Oh my God. I think I have
hysterical blindness.

Your eyes are closed.

Okay. I'm not blind,
but I am still very hysterical.

I mean, this is a lot
of information to process.

It's a clash of things...
of two things I like,

but I'm not sure I like them together.

Like turkey and chocolate...
I like them, but not as a couple.

But who knows?
Maybe they would be delicious.

And I mean, who am I
to stop turkey and chocolate

from getting together if they want to?

Just go for it!

Oh! Thank you so much.

I would never do anythg
about it without your blessing.

Now, where can I put this towel

so your cleaning lady will find it?

♪

Hi. You're home.

Lexie.

New look for you?

Oh, this?

I think it's just the water.

Hmm. What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm spring-breaking
in Orson with Sue.

Wow. [Chuckles]

I don't know what series
of catastrophes befell the world

for you to end up here, but I am sorry.

[Chuckles] I'm not following
you with my eyes.

What?

You know how you used to say
that I would do that?

Well, I'm not doing that.

I'm just saying that
'cause it's, like, our thing.

Okay.

Hey, remember that time
when we were in the Bin

and you threw the ball
and I was like, "What?"

Uh... yeah.

Whatever.

I got to go scrape poop
off a cow statue, so see ya.

♪

[Door opens, closes]

[Cash register beeping]

Woman over P.A.: Haley, pick up line .

Haley, pick up on line .

Oh, I'm under obligation to ask

if you're eating this chicken tonight.

Yeah.

Okay, then I can sell it to you.

Hey, didn't you used to coach
my kids at the high school?

Not used to... still do.

Tink Babbitt.

Got to work two jobs just to break even,

but my reward comes
when the kids come back

and tell me I've impacted their lives.

Still waiting on that last one.

[Scanner beeps]

Oh, man. The dent's right
on the barcode.

Todd, I'm gonna need a price check here!

So, are you a member of our
Frugal Hoosier Misers Club?

Yep, almost at Tightwad status.

Tink, cents!

Say, if you're looking for a second job,

how'd you like to hang
around a quarry trailer,

reading a magazine,

and playing in the occasional
softball game?

I'd say you got yourself a temp Tink.

Great.

And now that I don't work here anymore,

you shouldn't eat that chicken.

♪

♪

Hey, do you know anything
we have to be proud of?

Other than the fanciest
dog dish in Orson.

I got over % on my geometry test.

No, it's got to be something
that Nancy would know about.

Oh.

Well, I did both start and cure myself

of a new tic without you noticing.

You mean the "ehh-ehh-ehh-pfft"?

Yeah, I noticed.

Mm.

Well, that's all I can think of.

Great.

So, I'm proud
and I don't get to know why.

Seems right.

Frankie: So, Mike's new vice president

in charge of paper-towel acquisition

was knocking it out
of the park... literally.

♪

Umpire: Out!

You're out!

[Laughs]

Tink: Time out! Come on!

Hey.

I don't know about this guy.
He's a big hitter.

Well, he's a righty,
so why don't we shift

the outfield left and get it covered?

Beauty and brains.

If you like Jet Skiing and Al Jarreau,

we might be in this love together.

Okay.

And before you knew it,
Orson Limestone was up six runs

under the sure hand of Coach Tink.

Aah.

Safe!

Aah!

All right, time out. Time out, ump.

Heck, you're stinking it up out here.

I'm gonna bring in a sub for you.

John, get off the pine and get in here!

I'm okay. I just tweaked my back
a little bit.

Nothing half a beer can't cure.

Ah, don't worry about it. Have a seat.

Don't let Schmidt's Podiatry
get in your head, all right?

Come on. Let's go.

♪

[Sighs]

Something to be proud of?

Let's see... the miracle
that this evolved

from the hillbilly water slide
that is you and Dad's DNA.

Hey, Lexie.

I hope you're enjoying your stay.

Sue did give you
the good towel, didn't she?

Uh, she gave me the Chewbacca one.

Yeah, that's the one.

Oh, hi.

We keep running into each other.

Well, there's like three rooms
in the whole house.

Hey, so, I meant to ask you...

what's a fun thing to do
on spring break in Orson?

Besides leaving? [Chuckles]

Well, there's the beer-can
museum out on the state highway.

Ooh, fun.

Wow. I am so glad I came to Orson.

I checked the weather, and it's
partly cloudy in the Bahamas.

Dodged a b*llet there.

Mm. What else? There's um...

[Gasps]

You could go visit all my trophies

in the trophy case
down at the high school.

Spoiler alert... there are five.

Mm. [Chuckles]

You okay? You look a little itchy.

Oh, I'm fine.

I'm totally interested
in what you're saying.

You sure?

You got something splotchy on your face.

Oh, my God, Lexie. I am so sorry.

I grabbed you the extra pillow
from the bottom of the closet.

Doris must've been sleeping on it.

Does she have fleas?

Oh, no.

I don't think so... not anymore.

It's probably just our detergent.

It's really cheap.
You have to get used to it.

Or it could be the sheets.
What's the thread count?

What's that?

You know, the number of threads
woven together in the fabric.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

What's better... higher or lower?

Higher. Then they're lower.

♪

What? I saw Axl do this.

It looked good.

How was the game?

We won.

Oh. Well, that's great.

So, Tink must be working out, huh?

Yeah, she's good. Everybody loves her.

So, why are you acting so weird?

Oh, no. Was Chuck in charge
of refreshments again?

No, I hurt my back,

and so I blew a couple plays
I normally make,

and Tink benched me.

Oh, you know, I got
my car washed, finally.

Maybe that's what Nancy thinks
I should be proud of?

The sun was in my eyes for
the first three innings, so...

[Telephone ringing]

Ugh, school. Let it ring.

[Answering machine beeps]

Jan: Hello, proud parents.
This is Jan in the main office.

You haven't RSVP'd yet

for the National Honor Society
induction ceremony,

and we're trying to get a head count

so we can see how many
pizza pockets we'll need.

Congrats to Brick!

[Answering machine beeps]

Oh, I am so proud!

[Mid-tempo tune plays]

[Congestedly] Oh, I'm sorry.

I-I didn't know where this led.

Oh, you know, I went by your
school to see your tow-phies.

What? Your tow-phies.

I can't understand what you're saying.

Plus, I'm a little distracted.

You got a little bat in the cave, there.

Oh, sorry. I'm just a little stuffed up.

Anyway, uh, the week's almost over

and I feel like
we haven't gotten a chance to...

[Coughs]

Well, the bat's gone.

Now I'm just wondering where it went.

[Coughing]

Brick, hello?

I ask you if we have anything
to be proud of,

and you're talking to me about
acing some stupid geometry test?

You made National Honor Society!

Oh. Right.

W-Why didn't you tell me?

I don't know.

I didn't think it was that big a deal.

Plus, every time
there's an event at school,

you and Dad roll your eyes.

Then if you do come, you show up late.

You always complain
about having to bring a dessert,

even though we usually
just stop by on the way

and grab some store-bought cookies.

You sit on the end of the row, so
that way you can leave early, and...

Okay, okay, okay. I get it.

But, Brick, this is a big deal.

You're the first person in the family

to make the Honor Society.

I mean, we don't have much
to be proud of,

so when is time to be proud of,
I would like to be there.

- When is it?
- Saturday.

[Sighs] I can't go.

Grandma got us tickets to the touring
company of "Finian's Rainbow"

with the "Kiss my grits" girl
from "Alice",

and she's really excited about it.

Mom, it's all right.

I really don't care if you go or not.

Honestly.

Besides, they videotape
these things now.

I'm sorry. I really want to go,
but I can't blow off Grandma.

Janet got her a massage recliner
for her birthday.

Hey, go to the play.

The ceremony's gonna be
pretty dull, actually.

I just walk up and get a certificate.

And I really want to see that,

so make sure you get
a videotape of it, okay?

You get that it's
about the massage recliner

and me buying back my mom's love, right?

Got it.

♪

With Tink at the helm,

Orson Limestone won
their next four games.

They even b*at
Ernie's Injection Molding.

Unfortunately, for those four games,

Mike was playing a different position.

Tink: Whoo! All right! Yeah!

Ha ha!

All right, Wayne, you're up.

Chuck's on deck, and Dave's in the hole.

I'm gonna bunt!

Hey, Coach, I'm sitting out
a lot of games here.

My back is feeling great now.
No kidding.

I tied my shoes this morning
on the first try.

I'm ready to get back in there.

Oh, we're kind of
on a winning streak here, Heck.

You don't want to mess with that mojo.

Even talking about it
gives me the jeebies. Whoo!

[Spits]

Well, I want to contribute, you know?

And more than just knitting a bat cozy.

Sorry, Heck, but John's playing
out of his mind.

I kept thinking he was gonna
go back to his old ways,

but he's on fire.

Soon as he cools off,
you're the first one back in.

When Dave was coach, he always
had me in the starting lineup.

Dave, you okay with the lineup?

Dave: You mean, am I okay with winning?

Yeah.

Stop moving.

♪

♪

You're right... not bad.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, Lexie and I are all packed

and we're heading back to school.

I feel bad, though.
I think we Hecked up Lexie.

[Coughing]

[Congestedly] Thank you again
for letting me stay here.

It was a super-fun week...
five stars on Trip Advisor!

Aww, well, it was great
having you, Lexie.

Come anytime.

Our house is your house... or
at least a much smaller version.

[Sneezes] Oh, is... is Axl around?

I wanted to say goodbye.

No, he left.

He said Spring Break ' will go
down as the most pathetic in history

and he was ashamed to be a part of it.

Um, my throat's closing up,
so I'd better go.

[Lexie coughing]

[Grunts]

Oh.

Hey, Heck. How you doing?

Hey.

Feeling great, ready for
the game tomorrow.

Yeah, I got some bad news,

and I don't want you
to take it too hard,

so I'm just gonna rip off the Band-Aid.

I got poached. Poached?

Yep. Hagen Westside Realty got me.

All I got to do is push
their mail through a slot,

pitch a couple of shutouts,

and they're gonna fix the brakes
on my Subaru.

Well, Eleanor's not gonna like it.

We were about to start an afghan.

But whatever's best for the team.

All right, then. Later, champ.

[Sighs]

♪

[Footsteps approaching]

Hey, you look better.

Yeah. Turns out
all I needed was a shower.

Yeah. It's okay, Lex.
I'm sorry about that.

We should've eased you in.

You kind of have to build up
a tolerance to our house.

So, where you headed?

The Beta Tau Lambda
St. Patrick's Day party.

You want to join me?

Come on. It's the biggest party
of the year.

Nah. I'm gonna ride around with Tyler

in the Safe Ride cart later.

It's his biggest night of the year, too.

A lot of green beer going down,

a lot of greener beer coming up.

Sounds fun.

Oh, don't worry.
I won't have to touch barf.

You have to take a class.

- [Applause]
- Congratulations.

Our next student is Brick Heck.

[Applause]

Mom, is that you?

Uh, y-yeah.

I thought I recognized
your annoying clap.

What are you doing here?

What happened to
"Finian's Rainbow" with Grandma?

She got her friend Sparkle
to go with her.

Hey, everybody, my mom and dad are here.

They never usually come to stuff.

W-We come to stuff. W-We both work.

♪

I'm just here for my dishes.

I put them in earlier,
so they should be done by now.

And don't worry.
I put yours in the sink.

Axl, I am trying to study here.

For what, obedience school?

You know, you don't get a treat

if you roll over
when you're supposed to sit.

Oh, ha ha, 'cause I'm a dog.

Hey, you're never gonna get
a treat with that attitude.

So, uh, where's your owner?

Who, Lexie?

She's at that big
St. Patrick's Day party.

I'm surprised you're not there.

Nah, that party's lame.

When you're a freshman and
sophomore, you think it's fun.

As a junior, you only
go there ironically,

and you would never be caught
dead there as a senior.

Hey! Look at that.
Now this guy is clean.

You want to put him to work, huh?

What you got to eat around here?

Come on. Make me something.

I'm sorry to inform you, Axl,
but I'm not your maid.

Oh, come on, girl! You can do it!

Make me some din din!

Oh, my God, Axl. You are such a jerk!

I don't understand why Lexie
likes you so much.

What? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait. Hold on. Are you serious?

N-No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I was not supposed to tell you that.

Hmm.

Well, I know I always joked
around about her liking me,

but I never thought she really...

[Sighs]

Why do you think she came
to our house for spring break

instead of the Bahamas?

Who in their right mind would do that?

She didn't even spend time with me.

She just laughed
at all your stupid jokes

and followed you around with her eyes.

Well, her non-pus-y eye, at least.

She knows I'm dating April, right?

Yeah, I told her. I told her everything.

I told her about how
you clip your toenails.

I told her about your booger wall.

I told her about Dr. Axl
and his fart-esthesia,

and somehow, she still likes you.

Well, good, good.

I'm glad you told her those things,

'cause, you know, it's not gonna happen.

Hey! Look at that!

Flip-flops came out great.

Oh.

♪

There he is, Mr. National Honor Society.

I can't believe you guys came.

You made that very clear
over the microphone.

Well, thank you for showing up.

I-I'd better get over
to the dessert table.

I grabbed some loose cookies
from your nightstand.

They're in my backpack.

Actually, Brick, I took care of that.

Wow.

Why would Nancy Donahue do a whole table

dedicated just to me?

Nancy didn't do it. I did it.

How did you find a store
that had cupcakes

with my name on them?

These aren't from the store.

I made them. I did it all this myself.

I was up till : a.m. baking,
cutting out decorations,

blowing up the balloons,

making your favorite
lime-green JELL-O salad.

Oh, my God. It isn't even Thanksgiving.

Brick, I just want you to know,

we could not be more proud of you.

And this is proof,
'cause I hate doing this.

I mean, it's easy to do things
you like for people,

but doing something
you hate... that's love.

Thanks, Mom. I love you, too.

Frankie.

Were parents supposed
to bring something?

Did... Did I miss an e-mail or a flier?

Oh, don't worry.
I brought enough for everybody.

I mean, National Honor Society...

how proud are we, right?

Wow. Considering these
are filled with hate,

- they're delicious.
- Yeah. [Chuckles]

Ron, did you throw away a flier?!

Ron!

♪

[Dance music plays,
indistinct conversations]

Olsen: Axl. What's up, Olson?

What's up, man?

I thought you said you'd have to
be dead to be seen at this party.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, can I, uh, catch up
with you guys later?

I'm kind of looking for someone.

That's her.

Axl!

Devin?

♪

Well, with Tink gone,

Orson Limestone's hot streak was over.

But at least Mike was back in the game.

Unfortunately, their first game
was against...

Bring it in!

Bring it in! Easy out here!

You don't want any of this
voodoo, do you, Heck?

[Cheers and applause]

♪