♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
What's all the racket out here?
I'm rigging a
b*llet-proof shield
for my double-naught spy car.
Do you have to bang so loud?
I can hear you clean
out in the kitchen.
If you think it's
loud in the kitchen,
you ought to be under here.
Jethro?
Hey, boy!
Yeah, Uncle Jed? What?
Why don't you do your
pounding with the tub up?
That way you could
see what you're doing,
and it wouldn't be
so hard on your ears.
Yeah.
Uncle Jed, you know something?
You're smart enough to be
a double-naught spy yourself.
You want to come with me
to the West Indies and join up?
West Indie?
Yeah, that's where
double-naught seven is right now.
I think I'll pass it.
I'll tell you...
it's a lot of fun.
Pretty girls.
Danger. Excitement.
I thought you had give up
your double-naught spying.
I can't, Uncle Jed...
It's in my blood.
I'm cut out for all that
fighting and loving.
For a while there you was right
keen on being a brain surgeon.
Why, them rascals don't even
lay in the same kraut barrel
with the double-naughts.
Why, a brain surgeon
might go for days
without doing no
worthwhile fighting or loving.
That's my ejector seat.
Yeah, I know.
Well, you're bound and
determined, hey, boy?
Yes, sir, Uncle Jed.
The minute I read old
double-naught seven was
over there in the
West Indies, I said,
"Jethro, pack up and get going!"
What's all that stuff?
Oh, this here's my iron hat.
This here's my
double-naught spy coat.
Got all the tools
of the trade in here:
weapons, disguises,
telegraph set.
Yeah, I know
about your spy coat.
You don't know I
got it armor-plated.
I'm a walking t*nk with this on.
Fine, boy, uh, what's
all this other stuff?
This here's
vittles for my trip...
Looks like you cleaned
out Granny's root cellar.
Pretty near did...
How far is it to this
here, uh, West Indies?
Oh, it's way over yonder,
clean the other
side of Kansas City.
Jethro, I hate to think
of you taking work
that far from home.
Couldn't you do your
double-naught spying
around here?
We got plenty of room.
Wouldn't work, Uncle Jed.
Why not?
Well, I-let's say I had a case,
like, uh, saving Europe
or New York or something.
Well, right in the
middle of it Granny'd yell,
"Hey, Jethro, pluck
me a chicken!"
Well, a fella can't just
leave off saving Europe
to go chicken plucking.
I see what you mean.
Well, uh, couldn't
you live here at home
and do your work in town?
No, sir.
Double-naught spies ain't
got no Beverly Hills office.
Couldn't you open one?
Just between you and
me, I ain't a real, for sure,
official double-naught spy yet.
How come?
Just can't find out
where to go to join up.
I see.
That's why I got to
drive to the West Indies.
Well, uh, maybe if you
open up a office here
and, uh, done a real good job,
they'd hear about
it and come to you.
You reckon so?
Well, it's worth a try,
and it sure beats driving clean
the other side of Kansas City.
And I'll stake you to the rent.
I'll pay you back quick
as I save my first country.
Oh, don't worry about that.
I'll call Mr. Drysdale
and see has he got
an empty office in
his bank building.
Jethro, grab that chicken.
I got a job for you.
Bye, Uncle Jed.
Hey, tell Mr. Drysdale
I'm on my way.
Come back, Jethro!
Here you are, Jethro.
Just the office you've
been looking for.
Jethro?
Coming, Mr. Drysdale.
Man, this sure flattens
out a feller's arches.
Why are you wearing this
heavy coat on such a warm day?
Oh, I can't tell you just yet.
- It's top secret.
- Oh.
Well, go on in,
take a look around.
Go ahead.
- Mr. Drysdale?
- Huh?
Could you give me a little
shove to get me started?
Chief, I-I just heard
what you're doing.
You can't rent this office.
Who says I can't?
It's the only vacancy
in the building.
And the Baker and
Associates have been waiting
six months for it.
They're moving
in this afternoon.
How much money have
they got in my bank?
- Well, none.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, Jed Clampett has a bundle.
And he wants this
office for Jethro.
Now, who do you
think's going to get it?
Well, Jethro,
how do you like it?
Who's Jethro?
Didn't know it was me, did you?
This is just one
of my disguises.
I got a whole slew of them.
Why do you need disguises?
Miss Jane, when a fella
lives close to danger,
he's got to be
ready for anything.
- Help me up, would you?
- Oh.
Whew.
Jethro, are you
double-naught spying again?
Shh!
Well, I reckon the place
ain't been bugged yet.
This is gonna be
double-naught spy headquarters
- for Beverly Hills.
- Chief, did you hear that?
Yes, isn't it marvelous?
Welcome, Jethro.
It gives me a feeling
of great security to have
one of you brave chaps
so close to my vault.
Am I close to your vault?
This desk is directly over it.
Hot dog!
You won't have to worry about it
with me sitting here.
Oh, I might have been followed.
I'll use an old double-naught
spy trick and disguise my voice.
Hello?
Just a minute, I can't hear you.
What did you say?
Granny?!
Yes, ma'am.
Yes ma'am, I'm sorry.
Yes, ma'am.
All right, I'll come right now.
Leave my spy headquarters
open for me, will you?
I got to get home and
tote Granny's vittles
back into the root cellar
and pluck a chicken.
Chief, surely you can't permit
that lovable but misguided boy
to turn this office into
a spy headquarters!
As long as he is Jed
Clampett's nephew,
I don't care if he turns
it into a noodle factory.
Well, Granny, I
reckon the boy's got
all your stuff moved
back into your root cellar.
That's good.
And when he's done with that,
I want him to weed
my tater patch.
I'll do that for you, Granny.
Jethro is right anxious to
get back to his spy office.
Spy office.
Shame on you for going
along with that nonsense.
Well, beats letting
him drive halfway
across the country
with a tub over his head.
Halfway across the country?
To where?
Someplace called,
uh... West Indies...?
You know something, Uncle Jed?
It's a long ways from the front
of this house to the root cellar
when you're toting 2
or 300 pounds every trip.
- Well, Jethro?
- Yes, sir?
Why didn't you drive the truck
around back to the root cellar?
You're awful smart, Uncle Jed.
I could sure use a feller like
you down at spy headquarters.
Get them turnips
into the cellar!
Please don't do that, Granny.
It don't look fitting for
a double-naught spy
to get hand-paddled.
I'd appreciate it if the next
time you get mad at me,
you g*n me down or use
a flame-thrower on me.
Something with a little class.
Jed, you just
can't turn him loose
in downtown Beverly Hills.
Now, Granny, let him get
this spy stuff out of his system.
Couple of days, he'll be wanting
to be a streetcar
conductor again,
sh**ting nickels and dimes out
of one of them money squirters.
Already, Pa.
Bye, Granny.
Where are you going?
Well, down to
Jethro's spy office.
Pa says I can be his secretary.
Jed Clampett...
Elly can keep her
eye on the boy.
Keep him out of mischief.
And she might just
meet a feller or two.
Well, all right.
If you find one you like,
fetch him home for vittles.
Yes'm, Granny.
Well, I'm all done.
See you later.
Wait for your secretary.
My what?
I told Elly she could work
for you down to the spy office.
Oh, no!
Oh! Oh!
Now, Granny, he'll be all right.
It ain't him.
Chief, I have not been
able to reach Mr. Baker.
He's going to show up any
minute expecting to move into 205.
You leave Baker to me.
Just see that Jethro's happy.
Speaking of Jethro, the
building custodian says
he's installing all kinds of
crazy things up in that office.
Good. He's happy.
And so am I.
His uncle's paying for it.
Now, run along.
You're the boss.
Remember that.
Ha-ha! Didn't know
it was me, did you?
Jethro.
Very clever, Jethro.
You're a born spy.
What have you got in that thing?
Armor plating.
Now, this coat will
turn a r*fle b*llet.
Wh-What's this, Jethro?
Don't yank that!
Why not?
Do you blow up?
No, ma'am... This
here's a secret w*apon.
Now, watch my
shoe when I yank this.
Well, it ain't
working right now,
but when it does, a pointy blade
pops out of the toe of my shoe.
What for?
Well, old SMERSH has
got them, and if they go
to kicking at me, I'm
gonna kick right back.
Fine work, Jethro.
You're a credit
to your profession.
Now, get up to your
spy headquarters
and make us proud of you, huh?
Yes, sir.
I'll do my best.
Oh, hey, has anybody
been asking for me?
Only the custodian.
No, no, I mean anyone
from international
naught-naught headquarters?
I don't think so.
Well, they don't use names,
just, uh, letters like M or Q.
Hathaway'll be on
the lookout for them.
Chief, you shouldn't
encourage him to play spy.
He's taking it seriously.
Well, so am I.
If it'll help keep the
Clampett account,
he can call me
Milburn Goldfinger.
Don't be scared.
It's me in disguise.
- Oh, remarkable.
- Well, thank you.
Now, if M or Q or anybody
with naughts in their names
comes looking for me, be
sure to send them to my office.
I'll do that.
Doggone, I sure wish I
could get that blade to pop out
of my shoe before they come.
Well, what's the matter?
I must have put it in backwards.
Ooh, that smarts.
Well, are you all right?
Sure. I'm a double-naught.
But I'm gonna put this back on
just in case I go to crying.
Forgive my curiosity,
but what was that?
Oh, well, he's just a, um,
uh, a temporary tenant.
Not on my floor, I hope.
I'm Vincent Baker of
Baker and Associates.
Oh, dear.
You seem distressed to see me.
Well, I-I am, yes.
After him?
Well... well...
Uh, M-Mr. Drysdale
will explain everything
to you, Mr. Baker.
What is there to explain?
I've been waiting for
205 for six months.
You said it would
be ready today.
- Here I am.
- Yes.
Well... Yes?
Uh, Chief, this is Mr. Baker.
He'd like an
explanation about 205.
Well, he's entitled to one.
See that he gets it.
Well...
looks as though it's
up to me, doesn't it?
Yes, it does.
Tell me, um,
have you ever seen
a James Bond movie?
As a matter of fact,
I've seen them all.
Oh, good... that-that-that
will make it easier.
You see, Mr. Baker,
the nephew of our
largest depositor
fancies himself
another oh-oh seven.
Ow!
Elly May, you're fired.
I ain't, neither.
You didn't hire me,
so you can't fire me.
Pa hired me, and he
ain't fired me... so there!
Elly May, why
don't you try to act
like a sophisticated
mysterious spy secretary.
If I'm ever gonna...
Hey, that's probably M calling
from London or someplace.
Well, answer it!
Double nut headquarters.
Not nut, naught.
Head spy Bodine speaking.
This you, M?
No, this is your Uncle Jed.
How's everything
going down there?
Just awful, Uncle Jed.
Elly May won't do
nothing I tell her to.
She just keeps sh**ting paper
wads and messing around.
Let me talk to her, boy.
Yes, sir.
Yeah, Pa?
Now, Elly May?
I got you there for a reason.
You behave yourself and
do what Jethro tells you, hear?
All right, Pa.
Yes, sir.
Bye.
All right, what you
want me to do, nut nut?
Naught naught!
Vince, maybe you ought
to call off this bank job.
Honey, there's a
quarter of a million
sitting in that vault under 205.
I've been waiting
six months to get at it.
But the plan isn't working out.
That Jethro kid's
got the office.
I'll take care of the kid.
Besides, it's got to be tonight.
The plane's all set.
Marty's waiting in Mexico.
It'll work out.
Vince, it's too dangerous.
This kid may not be
as dumb as you heard.
Take a look at his door.
There's my first contact, Elly.
Now, you know what to do.
Come in.
How do you do?
Hi.
We'd like to see
Spy Bodine, please.
We're from London Headquarters.
You are?
Hey Jethro! Jethro!
Elly May, you dumb old girl!
I told you to be
sophisticated and mysterious.
But they's from
London Headquarters.
- I'll fetch 'em in, huh?
- No!
Us double-naughts
can't let folks walk in
on their own say-so.
I got to check them out
through the secret
two-way mirror first.
Now you get back there and
sneak that picture off the wall.
Would y'all step
over here in front
of the secret two-way
mirror, please?
Still worried, darling?
No, I think tonight's the night.
You'll have to go back
to your office, Elly May.
This here is top secret stuff.
Okay, nut nut.
It's naught, naught,
and hold all my calls.
I ain't "in" to nobody.
I hope you ain't mad
at me for opening up
a Beverly Hills Headquarters
without your say-so.
It is slightly irregular.
Quite.
It was the only way
I'd get you to notice me.
As a matter of fact,
we've had our eye on you
for some time... right, Kaye?
Right.
K?
J-K-L... Gee whiz,
you're higher than M.
Yes.
What's your initial?
Oh, oh, I'm-I'm J.
Wow.
H thought the
Beverly Hills office
should have top priority.
It's a dandy.
Why, right now, there's
a secret movie camera
taking pictures of us.
- Really?
- Yes, ma'am.
- I got it hid in the wall.
- Where?
Oh, right over here.
Let's see, where'd
I hide that rascal?
Uh-oh.
I must've plastered
over the lens.
Well, these things happen.
- Right, Kaye?
- Right, J.
But I got the office bugged.
You have?
Yes, sir.
See them pencils over there?
Yes?
Well, one of them is a
little wireless microphone
and sending set.
I think this is it.
Oh, by golly, I believe
this is just a regular pencil.
I guess I was
right the first time.
Well, anyhow, everything
we've said up to now
has been recorded on tape.
- We'd like to hear it.
- Yes, sir.
I got a tape recorder hid
right here in this drawer.
I must've got
something in backwards.
Maybe I can remember
everything we've said.
Uh, let's see, when you
first walked in, you said...
Never mind!
How am I doing so far?
So far?
You mean there's
more to show us?
Well, yes, ma'am.
I got something in this
closet Q section ain't even got.
Wait'll you see it.
Right under that desk,
sweetheart... 250,000.
But how do we
get rid of the goof?
We don't.
We let him dig
through the concrete.
What?
They'll think he's just
putting in another spy gadget.
Then when he's through
with the noisy work,
tonight I'll come in with
the cutting torch and...
Shh...
This here's my
armor-plated spy coat.
I got it rigged with
a tear gas squirter.
Step back and watch this.
Looks like I got that
in backwards, too.
But I got something
else to show you,
quick as I get this off.
Now, watch my shoe.
There, I got the
bugs out of that!
Now, if old SMERSH
goes to kicking at me,
they'll get it right back.
Dag nab it.
Well, anyway,
that's how it works.
Well, that's all I got ready
to show you right now.
Do I get sworn in?
If your escape hatch passes
inspection, you're all set.
Hot dog!
My what?
The escape hatch under the desk.
I ain't got no escape
hatch under my desk.
Did you hear that, Kaye?
I can't believe it, J.
H must never know.
You mean, I'm
supposed to have a hole
in the floor to get through?
That's the first thing you
should have prepared.
But I can't make
one there, you...
Did I hear a potential
double-oh spy
say he couldn't build
an escape hatch?
Well, not under
that desk. You see...
Let's go.
Too bad... he was doing so well.
Had a perfect
score up till there.
Well, give me another
chance, please?
Wait a minute, listen...
Sorry, we're
leaving town tonight.
I'll have one by then.
Is that a promise?
Cross my heart and
hope to gas myself.
What do you think, Kaye?
Uh, we'll never find
another brain like his.
He's a double-zero
if I've ever seen one.
Very well.
But keep it top secret.
Gee, thanks, J.
You, too, K.
I'll have it ready
when you get back.
Hot dog!
Elly May, you and
me's trading offices.
Well, how come?
I gotta cut a hole in the floor,
and there's a steel
vault under mine.
Oh.
I'm sure Mr. Drysdale will want
to show you Jethro's
office personally.
Who's there?
That you, Baker?
No, no, Chief,
it's the Clampetts.
Oh!
Come in, come in.
Awful nice of you to have
Miss Jane fetch us down.
Oh, not at all.
I... I thought you'd like to see
what nice accommodations
we've given Jethro.
Hope he ain't being a
double-naught nuisance
to you, Mr. Drysdale.
On the contrary.
Yes, the Chief was just
saying having Jethro here
makes the whole
building more secure.
Where are you going, Jethro?
I'm gonna climb up on your desk
and jump through that
hole I chiseled in the floor.
Well, ain't no hole there, yet.
There will be.
Help me up.
Stand aside.
One... two...
Well, let's go up and look at
spy headquarters, shall we?
Jethro!
What in the blue
blazes is going on?
That's my double-naught
escape hatch.
Howdy, Pa. Howdy, Granny.
Elly May, get down
here and cover up
that hole before
somebody gets hurt.
Yes'm, Granny.
Sure hope I don't have
to escape too often.
Ooh! That's a pretty "fer" drop.
You mean you busted that
hole in the ceiling a-purpose?
I had to... otherwise J
wouldn't swear me in.
Who's "J"?
Oh, he's the head
spy from London.
If I'd have put the hole
where he wanted me to,
I'd have had to
bust into your vault.
My vault!
Yes, sir.
Step into my office.
I want to hear more.
See him on that page?
No, sir.
How about this page?
There he is! That's old J.
That's Tony the Torch Mantenaro,
alias Vincent Baker,
alias Vince Vecchio,
alias Gene Booth,
alias Bob Graham.
Boy, has he got disguises, huh?
Elly, you covered
the hole, didn't you?
Yes, ma'am, Granny.
I sewed the carpet back over it.
All right, Tony, on your feet.
Let's go.
How soon will he be back?
In about ten years.
Ten years? I can't wait
that long to get swore in.
Hey, wait for me!
Someday I got to have
a long talk with that boy.
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪