04x09 - A Real Nice Neighbor

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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04x09 - A Real Nice Neighbor

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

I declare, Elly, that's
the purtiest bunch

of feed sacks
Pearl ever sent us.

Sure is, Granny.

There ain't a family
in Beverly Hills

gonna have fancier
underwear than us.

The main thing about feed sacks
is knowing how long to boil 'em.

You got to boil out the
printing but not the color.

I'd say these are
done to a turn.

Hot dog, how soon can I eat?

They ain't for eating,
they's for wearing.

Now, Elly, you dip
'em out and wring 'em.

Jethro, you come outside
and pick out your pattern.

Oh, pattern for what?

New drawers.

Git.

Elly May, where's Granny?

Oh, she's out back
hanging up clothes, Pa.

By doggies, I'm
pleased to see you taking

an interest in kitchen work.

Why, thank you, Pa.

Excuse me.

Good thing that girl is pretty.

Her cooking is pitiful.

Elly, I kind of favor these
barley sacks for you and me.

It's a purty piece,

and the goods has a
real expensive feel to it.

Granny, there's
some new neighbors

moved in on the fer side.

Let's all go over there
and tell 'em howdy

and make 'em feel welcome.

You and me can help
'em unload and settle in.

Yeah, and take
'em some hot vittles.

Well, no, uh... let's
just get acquainted first,

see what they need.

Well, come on, Granny.

I ain't wasting no
more of my time,

trying to be friendly to those
snooty Beverly Hills people.

Well, Granny, we
ain't met 'em yet.

Uh, we don't know
that they's snooty.

They's rich, ain't they?

Appear to be.

Well, then they's snooty.

Well, Uncle Jed's rich
and he ain't snooty.

You pick out a pattern!

Granny, I don't hardly
think that it's right for us

to judge a woman
without... A woman?

Is that who's moving in?

Well, I seen one
come out of the house

and get into a big limousine.

That's all I want to hear.

Another Mrs. Drysdale.

If there's anything
snootier than a rich woman,

it's one that rides
in a limousine.

Take me around back, you jerk.

I can't knock on the front
door of a mansion like this

and ask to use the phone.

I am not employed to drive
servants to servants' entrances.

Aw, come on, Reg, and
knock off the protocol.

My feet are k*lling me,
and I've only got one day

to fix the house
for Mrs. Carrington.

You're the housekeeper,
that's your problem.

Okay, you cabstand reject,

you've been asking for this.

Climb out and get 'em up!

Save your threats,
Agnes; I do not scare easily.

Listen, Reg, how'd you like

to take me for a drive tonight?

We can park on
Mulholland and, uh...

Okay, get in.

I don't scare
easily, but that did it.

Granny, I'm surprised at you.

Back home, you was
always the first one

to visit a new neighbor,

take 'em over a pot of vittles
and make 'em feel welcome.

That was back home.

I've tried for three years out
here and never got nothing

but mean-mouthed,
door-slammed and dog-bit.

Big limousine just
pulled around the house.

Must be that new neighbor woman.

Yeah, that's her, all right.

She's a-headed
for the back door.

Good.

Elly, you go get Duke.

We'll give her a big
Beverly Hills welcome.

Beverly Hills welcome?

I'll slam the door in her face,

and Elly will sic
the dog on her!

- Howdy, ma'am.
- How do you do?

I'm sorry to bother you.

I'm opening the house next door,

and the phone
isn't connected yet.

Could I use yours, please?

Why, you betcha. Yonder it is.

Help yourself.

Thank you so much.

Jed, did I hear
her say "please"?

"Please" and "thank you."

By the way, ma'am,
we's the Clampetts.

This here's Granny, and I'm Jed.

I'm pleased to make
your acquaintance.

Just call me Aggie.

I've got to phone the market.

There isn't a bite
of food in the house.

Oh, we'd be pleased
to share vittles with you.

Share what?

Vittles, food.

We'd be glad to fetch
something over to you.

I know that it's a chore
to cook on moving day.

Oh, well, that's
awfully nice of you,

but I love to cook
as you can see.

Believe me, after cleaning a
big house all day, cooking is fun.

You clean the house?

Morning till night.

But a little honest work
never hurt anybody.

Market?

I'd like you to
send over an order

and charge it to Mrs. Philip
Brentwood Carrington Ill.

I'd like, uh, two
loaves of white bread...

Granny, I think
you've got to admit

that Mrs. Philip
Brentwood Carrington Ill

ain't your average,
run-of-the-mill, every day,

rich Beverly Hills
society woman.

Yeah.

A grand name like that,

and she says,
"Just call me Aggie."

Morning, Jethro.

Greetings, dear boy.

Howdy.

Oh, why so glum?

I was hoping the new neighbor
would have a pretty maid,

but I didn't see one.

Jethro, did I hear you say
something about a new neighbor?

Yes, sir, Mr. Drysdale.

She's just settling in.

Uh, the moving man
told me her name was, uh,

Mrs. Philip Brentwood
Carrington Ill.

Carrington.

Carrington... Say,
that name rings a bell.

Jethro.

If you are lonesome for
feminine companionship,

come to my place this evening.

Do you have a pretty maid?

I got it. Carrington.

Mrs. Philip B., widow,
financial rating triple-A,

between 23 and 24.

So young.

What young?

That's how many
millions she's got.

Oh, w-well, how
old a woman is she?

Who cares?

With that kind of money,
she's in the prime of her life.

Oh, howdy, folks.

- Oh, Mr. Clampett. -Hello, Mr. Clampett.
- Excuse me a minute.

I want to wave good-bye
to Mrs. Carrington.

What?

Bye, Aggie! Hurry back!

That was Mrs. Philip
B. Carrington Ill?

Yep, but she asked
us to call her Aggie.

Awful nice woman.

Come on in.

Chief, you're trembling.

Romance does that to me.

Romance?

Jed and Mrs. Carrington.

They're perfectly mated...
$50 million and $24 million.

Oh, marriages like that
are made in Fort Knox.

Chief, that's heaven.

It must be.

When may I have
something to eat?

When the market
delivers the groceries.

But I'm famished.

So go pick 'em up.

I am not employed
to do marketing.

Look, Field Marshal,
I can't cook 'em

if I ain't got 'em, right?

You're splashing my boots.

How can Mrs. Carrington abide
such a-a slovenly domestic?

Ha, you ought to see
the domestics next door...

A cook and a caretaker
straight out of Tobacco Road.

He hasn't shaved in a week
and she wears army shoes.

You should apply for work there.

You'd fit right in.

Reg, why don't we
stop this bickering?

Why don't we just step outside
and settle this man to man?

Well, for one thing,
we're a man short.

Fake it.

I'm going to market.

Don't get run over by a
shopping cart, Tarzan.

Howdy, Aggie.

Granny, come on in.

Thank you.

Did your groceries come yet?

No, the chauffeur just
went to pick 'em up.

Well, I brought you a little
treat... some Clem chowder.

Clam chowder?

No... Clem... he was our goat.

He got mean, and I
made soup out of him.

Yeah... thanks.

Go ahead and eat
some if you want to.

Uh, no, no, I'll wait
for the chauffeur.

He's hungry, too.

You're a fine woman, Aggie.

I like you.

Well, thank you, Granny.

Come on and sit down.

No, no, no, you're busy
with your scrubbing.

Can I help you?

Oh, no, no, no,
I'll get it done.

Come on right over
here and sit down.

Oh-wee, my dogs are k*lling me.

A woman with a big mansion
like this and all them millions.

I'm surprised that you ain't got

four or five scrubwomen
and maids a-helping you.

Mrs. Philip Brentwood
Carrington Ill

does not throw her
money around recklessly.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

Jed feels the same way.

Jed?

My son-in-law.

You met him this morning.

Oh, oh, the fellow
with the... and the...

That's him, the
good-looking one.

Yeah.

He's a widower, you know.

Really?

Hard worker, just like you.

Morning till night taking
care of that big place.

You can't hardly find a
man like Jed no more.

Not in Beverly Hills.

I hear you're a widow.

Yeah.

Where'd you hear that?

Mr. Drysdale.

Oh, he says he
knows all about you.

Says you're a fine woman.

Well, who is he?
What does he do?

He's a bank president.

He's over to our house a lot.

Comes over to talk with
Jed about all of his millions.

You ought to get better
acquainted with Jed.

He's a fine catch.

Uh-huh.

That man can do anything:

pick a squirrel out
of a tree at 200 yards,

put an edge on a plow that
would cut through a hickory root.

Plays the harmonicky,
fixes shoes.

Sounds like a real winner.

Come on over and get acquainted.

Oh, I'd like to, but I got to...
Oh, my back is k*lling me.

Rheumatiz?

Well, something like that.

You come on over, honey.

I got some medicine
that'll fix you up.

Make it myself.

Is it any good?

Good?!

I've had rheumatiz for 40 years.

Loved every minute of it.

Well, Miss Hathaway,
what's the news?

How is that flaming
romance coming along?

What flaming romance?

Jed Clampett and
Mrs. Carrington.

We've got to keep
that affair at white heat.

Chief, she came over
to use the telephone.

Right, and we
mustn't let it cool down.

By George, I've
got a great idea.

Let's have the wedding
here in the bank.

Wedding?

Yes, they can be
married in the vault.

Oh, it will be a
beautiful ceremony.

Do you, 50 million,
take this 24 million

to be your lawfully
wedded co-depositor...

Chief.

For better or worse,

for richer or richer...

Chief, Chief, get-get
a hold of yourself.

Oh, excuse me, I am
an incurable romantic.

The fact is, we don't even know
what Mrs. Carrington looks like.

Well, she's beautiful.

Terrific figure.

How do you know?

I've got her picture right here.

That is a financial report.

Yes, isn't she lovely?

And look at that cash on hand.

What a figure.

Chief, I'm becoming
seriously concerned about you.

Your obsession with money is
reaching psychotic proportions.

And look at those
tax-free municipals!

- Chief.
- And, of course, after they're married,

we'll get some great
tax benefits from...

- Chief.
- What, what, what?

You need professional help.

Okay, hire anyone you need.

I want the biggest
wedding in town.

Now, in the meantime,
you go on up there

and you start playing Cupid.

If you can get those two married
by the time we post statements

on Friday, there'll
be a big bonus in it.

I don't want a bonus.

I'm not offering you one.

The bonus is for me.

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be up there

promoting the
romance of the century.

I would hardly call the
mercenary matching

of Mr. Clampett and
Mrs. Carrington romance.

No?

Well, what's your
idea of romance?

Hmm. Romeo and
Juliet, Tristan and Isolde,

Venus and Adonis,
Heloise and Abelard.

Baloney.

I'll bet Clampett and
Carrington have got more money

than all of them put together.

Chief, this is getting worse.

Please, let me
call a psychiatrist.

What for?

Two people can have

all the money in the
world and still not be happy.

I think you'd better
call the psychiatrist.

You're cracking up.

But first, uh, drive
me to the Clampetts'.

We've got to keep fanning
those flames of love.

You don't know the
meaning of the word.

If people are in
love, they can be

deliriously, ecstatically happy
without a penny to their name.

I'll drive.

You lie down in the backseat.

No trace of that goat, Granny,

but he'll probably turn
up around suppertime.

You can bet on it.

Sit down.


- I want to talk to you.
- What about?

About that fine, big, strapping,
hard-working, rich widow woman

that moved in next door to us.

Now, Granny, you
ain't gonna commence

matchmaking again, are you?

Course not.

She can have her pick of
any man in Beverly Hills.

Then let her do the picking.

She'll get snapped
up quick enough.

A woman like Mrs. Philip
Brentwood Carrington Ill

don't have to b*at the
bushes with no stick

to get herself a husband.

Who you pouring that for?

Oh, that's for Mrs. Carrington.

I think she's
going to drop over.

She will if she drinks that.

And then she'll
lay there for a spell.

Hi, there.

Well, Aggie, Jed
was just talking

about you dropping over.

Howdy, ma'am.

Well, don't let me
interrupt anything.

Oh, no, no.

Jed was just
leaving to go upstairs

and shave and
change his clothes.

Ain't you, Jed?

Well, I reckon I am.

Excuse me, ladies.

I thought I'd give that
rheumatism medicine a try.

It's right here.

Sit down.

Well, what do you
think about Jed?

Handsome devil, ain't he?

Well, he's all right, if
you like that rugged type.

You will.

You will.

Feeling better, Miss Hathaway?

- I feel fine.
- Thank goodness.

For a while there, you
were talking out of your head.

Saying wild, crazy things, like,
"Money can't buy happiness."

"Love is more
important than money."

You know, raving.

I was obviously delirious.

Well, the next time you feel
one of those spells coming on,

you rush down to the vault

and take a couple of
deep whiffs of new money.

Clears your head like that.

Oh, bring the flowers
and candy, will you?

I've got the jewelry
and perfume.

Chief, may I point out that
Mr. Clampett may resent

your implication that he doesn't
know how to court a woman?

Well, he doesn't.

Not a woman like Mrs.
Philip Brentwood Carrington Ill.

She's used to being showered
with gifts and attention.

Oh, we've got to get those
two lovebirds to the altar

before estimated
tax returns are due.

I suppose the ceremony
will be performed by a CPA.

Can they do that?

- Howdy, folks. Come on in.
- Thank you.

Well, I see you're
wearing your Sunday best.

Are you planning to
call on Mrs. Carrington?

No, as a matter of fact,

she's sitting out in the
kitchen jawing with Granny.

Oh, good, good.

What's all this?

Flowers and candy.

Who for?

I think I'd better let
Mr. Drysdale explain that.

Well, actually, they're
for you, Mr. Clampett.

Me?

Yes.

Mr. Drysdale, uh...

You see, here in the city,
things move at a faster pace

than you're used
to back in the hills.

Now, back there, if
you liked someone,

you'd probably invite them to
take a walk on Sunday afternoon,

sh**t them a rabbit or
something, but out here,

you have to shower them
with gifts and attention.

Now... now, in addition
to the flowers and candy,

I've taken the liberty of
picking this out for you.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Mr. Drysdale... Oh, no.
A-And some perfume.

- Mr. Drysdale...
- Yes?

Just sh**t me a rabbit.

Oh, Mr. Clampett,
these aren't for you.

These are for you to
give to Mrs. Carrington.

What for?

Well, you like her, don't you?

Don't know her.

Well, let me tell you about her.

Oh, what a lovely woman.

She's got everything:

wealth, culture,
breeding, education,

money... lots of money...

beauty, sophistication.

A princess, Mr. Clampett.

A veritable princess.

It was very nice of you

to send those kids over
to do my work for me.

I just love sitting
here with you like this,

talking, discussing things

and belting down
this great sauce.

How do you make
this stuff, Granny?

Here I am, Aggie.

Just fetching my yard goods.

How's your back?

What back?

Oh, mine. Oh, it's great.

You know, you're
right about this stuff.

It makes having
rheumatism a ball.

Just sip it, honey.

Don't gulp it.

Okay.

Now, let's get back to Jed.

Would you like to step
out with him tonight?

No, thanks.

Gulp it.

Gee, that's beautiful material.

That reminds me of Hawaii.

I used to have a
muumuu like this.

A what?

A muumuu.

Go back to sipping, honey.

There ain't no cows this color.

No, no, a muumuu is
something you wear.

Like a loose sarong.

Ever see a hula dance?

No. How do they dance?

A hula is a dance.

They do it in Hawaii.

Jed's an awful good dancer.

You should see him do
the Cumberland Clod-kicker.

I can't wait.

I'll go fetch him.

No, no, no. Don't-don't bother.

Why don't you
learn him the hula?

Take him to that Hawaii place
tonight and dance up a storm.

No, thanks.

Gulp a little.

I tell you, Mr. Clampett,
if I weren't a married man,

I'd be in that
kitchen on my knees

asking that remarkable
little woman to be my bride.

You talking about
Aggie or Granny?

I'm talking about Aggie.

Why, she was the
toast of Europe.

Every man in
Paris was after her.

No offense, but they must have
been kind of short of women.

Would you like
to wait in the car?

No, I'm enjoying
this tremendously.

Out!

Now, Mr. Clampett, think
of your daughter, Elly.

Think how wonderful it would be

to have a mother
like Mrs. Carrington,

who could teach
her the social graces,

mold that child
in her own image.

Why, in a little while,
Elly would be just like her:

sweet, refined, a
perfect little lady.

I'd better fetch Jed.

You've had enough of this.

Get yourself some
buttermilk from the icebox.

♪ Get some buttermilk
from the icebox ♪

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ La, la... ♪

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ La, la... ♪

No, no, no. Wait, wait.

Just give her these.

It could be the start of a
beautiful account... courtship.

Friendship.

Mr. Drysdale, I thought
Granny was a matchmaker,

but you take the
rag off in the bush.

Where's Jed?

Jed, where you going?

I'm going upstairs and
lock myself in my room.

It ain't safe to be
single around here.

But Aggie's waiting
for you in the kitchen,

and she ain't
gonna keep too well.

Aloha!

Good heavens.

Who are you?

I am Milburn Drysdale.

Milby, baby, I'm your Aggie.

But these gifts...

Oh, that's awful sweet of
you, honey, but let's hula.

Chief, the... Chief!

Agnes, you are to
come home immediately.

Mrs. Carrington just arrived.

Who? What?

Oh, tell old moneybags
to go peddle her papayas.

I have just snagged
me a rich banker.

I'll never know what
he sees in that woman.

It's gonna be hard to break
the news to Mrs. Drysdale.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
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