♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Uncle Jed.
Yeah, boy?
I need to talk to you.
I got trouble.
What kind of trouble?
Girl trouble.
What kind of girl trouble?
The worst kind.
I ain't got one.
Oh, uh, let's sit down, boy.
What you hiding
behind you there?
Well, this is a picture of
you when you was my age.
What you doing with that?
Well, I was hoping it'd
jog your memory a mite.
Granny says, when
this picture was took,
you was the lady-k*ller
of Cass County.
Well, uh, you know, Granny
likes to stretch the truth when, uh...
What are you doing?
Notice the resemblance?
What do you want, boy?
I want some advice
on how to get girls.
Well, I ain't the
one to give you that.
I wasn't the lady-k*ller
of Cass County.
You wasn't?
No, there was plenty of
fellas had me backed off.
There was, uh...
Well, let me see
now, there was, uh...
Now, you take old...
What do you want to know, boy?
I want to know just exactly
how you went about getting a girl.
Well, as I recollect,
I done my best girl-getting
on Saturday afternoons.
Yes, sir?
Used to get all slicked
up and, uh, go into town
and stake out a good spot
in front of the general store
and go to whittling.
- Whittling?
- Yep,
on a long piece of soft
pine just about like that.
Course, out of the
corner of my eye,
I was watching the girls.
I see.
But right now let me
warn you about something.
You got to keep half your
mind on your watching
and half on your whittling.
A little too much
of one or the other,
and you're liable to
lose a girl or a finger.
I understand.
Well, now, I didn't do
none of my fancy whittling
until I seen a pretty
girl come along.
Then I would peel off
about a foot and a half...
I'd peel off about a foot
and a half curler so thin...
I'd peel off about a
foot and a half curler...
Uh, you got to remember
that I ain't done much, uh,
girl-getting whittling
for a number of years.
And then what'd
happen, Uncle Jed?
Then I'd show her a few of
my fancy mumblety-peg throws
like my three-and-a-half
off the wrist
or my side, uh, spinner off
the ear or my nose winder.
And while I was doing that,
I'd mention the barn
dance that night,
and before you know it,
uh, we was acquainted.
Hot dog!
Uncle Jed, would you
mind putting an edge on this
while I go inside
and get slicked up?
Sure, boy, but, uh, I
got to tell you one thing.
- Uh...
- What?
This whittling
business worked for me
because I thought it up,
but you might just lay a egg.
I'd rather try whittling.
Fine, boy.
If you thought it up,
it's bound to be good,
you lady-k*ller, you.
I'm going to town
to get me a girl...
Maybe three or four,
maybe a whole truckload!
Yee-haw!
- Yippee!
- Aah!
Put me down, you big lummox!
Git, git!
What was all that for?
He's just full of oats, Granny.
I declare, that
boy'll eat anything.
He ain't been eating
'em, he just feels 'em.
Uh-oh.
Pa, Jethro says you
told him how to get a girl.
Yep.
Hmm, well, tell me
so's I can get a fella.
Well, I don't think it'll,
uh, work for a girl, Elly.
You'd best ask Granny
how to get a feller.
W-Well, would you
tell me, Granny?
Let me think about it.
Aw, please.
I'm gonna do it.
I just want to think about it.
At my age, you got to take
your fun where you find it.
Now, as I recollect,
us girls used to
do our best hunting
in front of the general store
on a Saturday afternoon.
Well, how come?
'Cause that's where
the fellas used to stand
and pretend to whittle
whilst they watched the girls.
Well, Granny, I ain't
never seen fellas whittling
in front of stores
in Beverly Hills.
Yeah.
Come to think of it,
there probably ain't no
boys around today that dumb.
Got my pocket Kn*fe
ready, Uncle Jed?
Uncle Jed, I got plenty
of that soft whittling wood
you told me to get.
Uh, yeah, now, listen, boy,
I got some more to tell you.
Shucks, Uncle Jed, you
done told me all I need to know.
When I go to peeling off
them long curls, I got it made.
I'm gonna be the
lady-k*ller of Beverly Hills.
Granny, I didn't realize
the boy was so desperate.
Elly, too.
Or if she ain't,
she ought to be.
I can't go on telling
folks she's 14 forever.
They have got to
meet other young'uns,
and there's only one sure
way to do it, city or country.
A wingding.
A wingding?
That's what Mr. Clampett
said he wanted...
The biggest wingding in town.
Well, don't stand there.
Go out and buy it for him.
Oh, Chief, a wingding
is a dance, a party.
Oh, good.
You know, I've been wanting
to throw a big party
for Mr. Clampett,
and now that he's paying
for it, let's go all out.
It's not to be for Mr. Clampett.
It's for Elly and Jethro,
so they can meet
other young people.
Oh, I see.
A party and a dance
for young people.
Okay, let's give
those kids a real thrill.
We'll get Guy Lombardo.
Guy Lombardo?
The sweetest music
this side of heaven.
- Chief, Chief...
- What, what?
I believe young people
today are dancing
to a slightly different
kind of music.
Wayne King the Waltz King?
Ch-Chief, Chief...
Chief, that-that doesn't
quite hit the target either.
What?
Rudy Vallée and the
Connecticut Yankees.
No, it's a different b*at today.
Swing and Sway with Sammy Kaye?
I'm afraid not.
I've got it.
Clyde McCoy.
Chief, Chief, young people today
just aren't dancing to
those groups anymore.
What's the matter
with these kids today?
A bunch of squares?
Hardly, b-but time
marches on, vogues change.
Right now, groups like
the Beatles are all the rage.
The who?
Beatles...
They're the most
popular group in the world.
Why, they get as much as
$100,000 for one appearance.
They do?
Yes.
Why, last year alone, they
made something like $14 million.
Well, let's get them.
For the Clampett party?
No, for depositors.
Chief... I tell you
what, I tell you what.
If you land the
Beatles' account,
there'll be a set of
dishes in it for them
and an alarm clock for you.
Chief, I know the Beatles
will be as overwhelmed
as I am by your...
your generosity.
- Don't mention it.
- Don't worry.
Now, getting back to
the Clampett wingding...
Just take care of it.
Anything they want.
Well, inasmuch as the Clampetts
aren't acquainted out here,
they've asked me to make
arrangements for the music.
Now, the Beatles
aren't available,
but there are groups
who have a similar appeal.
Herman and the Hermits,
Freddy and the Dreamers,
The Animals, The Birds.
Of course, they
probably aren't available
on short notice either,
but there... here are
some others on my list.
If I paid them
four-and-a-half percent,
and loaned it out at
seven-and-a-half...
No, no, make that eight.
- Chief.
- Yes?
For the Clampett wingding,
I may be able to get
The Lizards, Frogs,
The Termites...
Get them, get them.
Whatever Granny wants to cook.
Oh, I've been
doing some figuring,
and to help you land
that Beatle account,
I'll make that a set of
dishes for each of 'em.
I'll throw in a bowl
of artificial flowers
and a plastic meat platter.
Gee, Chief, you've taken
all the challenge out of it.
Hey, Jethro, where's all them
girls you was gonna fetch home?
I thought that's what you
went to town for, Mr. Lady-k*ller.
Better lay off me, Elly
May, I'm awful mad.
I'm liable to forget you're my
girl cousin and light into you.
Well, come on. I don't care.
Well, I do.
You always whupped
the tar out of me.
I'm sorry, Jethro, I didn't
know you hurt your finger.
That's the best thing that
happened to me all day.
Well, how'd you do it?
Whittling. That's the way
Uncle Jed used to get girls.
Well, how come it
didn't work for you?
Search me. I stood in front
of some of the fanciest
stores in Beverly Hills...
Girls all over the place...
And whittled up a storm.
I mean, I was dropping
two-foot curlers
like a goose drops feathers.
You know what it got me?
What?
Arrested, for littering
the sidewalks.
Then I figured I'd show off
with some fancy Kn*fe twirling,
like a three-and-a-half
off my wrist
and a side-spinner off
my ear, a nose-winder.
Didn't that get you nothing?
Yeah, three busted blades.
Them cement sidewalks
is m*rder on mumblety-peg.
Well, Jethro, glad you're back!
What's the matter?
You look like somebody
dropped a clod in your churn.
Uncle Jed, I didn't do no
good at all with that whittling.
Ain't you got no other
way of meeting girls?
Matter of fact, I have.
- Good.
- And fellas, too.
I don't care nothing
about them. Just girls.
That was just for Elly May, and
there's gonna be plenty of both.
We're gonna throw you
young'uns a wingding!
Thank you, Pa!
I'm just ashamed not
to have done it sooner.
We gonna have lots of
vittles and pretty girls?
And music and dancing?
And vittles and pretty girls?!
And games and prizes and stuff?!
And vittles and
pretty girls, huh?!
Take my word for it, young'uns,
we gonna put the
big pot in the little one!
- Hi, Miss Jane.
- Hi, Miss Jane.
Greetings, all.
Holding a family
conference, are you?
I was just telling the
young'uns about our wingding.
Miss Jane's gonna take care
of getting the music for us.
Who you gonna get, Miss Jane?
Well, I thought I'd spend the
evening going to the places
frequented by young people
and auditioning the
various musical groups.
Sounds like a dandy idea.
Yes. Of course it
would be even dandier
if I had someone
to accompany me.
Well, I'll go.
Oh, well, well, perhaps...
Speak up, Jethro.
Well, I don't care if Elly goes.
Well, I think that, uh,
Granny's gonna need Elly
to help her in the
kitchen tonight.
But, uh, how about Jethro going?
Jethro?
Now, that's a
thought, if he'd like to.
Why, he is just squirming
to go, ain't you, boy?
Yeah, uh-huh.
That's-that's splendid, Jethro.
I'll pick you up early.
That'll give us time
to catch The Lizards,
The Frogs, The Termites
and possibly even The Moles.
Thanks, Miss Jane, but you
just worry about the music.
Granny'll take
care of the vittles.
Yes.
Well, au revoir.
♪ I got a mojo woman ♪
♪ Knows everything that I do ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ I got a mojo woman ♪
♪ Knows everything that I do ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ She got two eyes on me, oh ♪
♪ She got two eyes on you ♪
♪ She's going
down to Louisiana ♪
♪ To get her mojo man ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ She's going
down to Louisiana ♪
♪ To get her mojo man ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
My goodness, it's
rather wild, isn't it?
Huh?
Uh, I didn't expect
it to be so-so frantic.
What'd you say?
I hardly think this is
suitable to our needs.
It's too savage,
too-too primitive.
It just won't do.
It just, uh, it just, uh...
It just grabs you, doesn't it?!
Hey, wait for me!
♪ She gonna show everybody ♪
♪ Shake your
thing kind of nice ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah. ♪
Well, I've been
looking the place over,
and I think the front hall is
the best for square dancing.
Too bad we ain't got a barn.
Well, once we get it full of,
uh, corn shucks and hay bales
and pumpkins, one
thing and another,
that front hall is
gonna look pretty good.
Well, I sure hope
Jethro and Miss Jane find
some good music tonight.
They will. Where'd
they go, Granny?
Now, let's see.
They started out at a place
called Something A-Go-Go.
Well, just so they come
up with a good fiddle player.
♪♪
Miss Jane?
Well, Miss Jane, where are you?
Huh?!
♪♪
Might as well give up, Earl.
I know it's plumb past daylight,
but Jethro is sleeping
in this morning.
I got to say one thing
for Californy, Jed.
No matter what time of year,
you can always find flowers.
Want me to get these
in water for you, Granny?
Please, honey.
And then put them
around in the parlor,
'cause that's where the old
folks are gonna set tonight
while you young'uns are dancing.
Well, ain't you gonna dance?
Course I am.
I'm talking about old folks.
All right.
I dug up all the rocking
chairs we got, Granny,
but they ain't gonna be enough
for all the old folks to rock.
Well, I'll pass around
my rheumatiz medicine,
and them that ain't
rocking will think they is.
Two, three, four,
hup, two, three.
Column left!
March!
Halt!
Good morning, Granny.
Mr. Clampett.
Morning.
Are you all right?
All right?
Do you know what time
I got up this morning?
6:00.
Jethro's sleeping in, too.
We all have mornings
when we don't feel
like getting out of bed.
Oh, but I-I feel wonderful.
I marched all the
way from my house.
Why, that's a good
hundred yards.
I guess I am a little bushed.
You look about
the way Jethro did
when he dragged in last night.
Yeah, him and Miss
Jane was out awful late.
Yeah, the boy was dead
on his feet, but, uh, he said
that they found some mighty
fine music for our wingding
at that Go-Go place.
Plenty of young folks, too.
Jethro hauled off and invited
everybody that was there.
Well, I'm glad to know the music
and guests are taken care of.
Oh, by the way, did
Miss Hathaway mention
whether she had
located the Beatles?
Beetles?
Oh, I hope they ain't
got into her garden.
Them is the peskiest bugs.
Especially the potato beetles.
Oh, no, no, th-this
is a group that sings
and plays musical instruments.
The dickens you say.
Oh, yes, they're famous.
They appear all over.
They make a fabulous
amount of money.
Singing beetles, huh?
Well, let me know if
Miss Jane finds them.
I'd pay a quarter
to see that myself.
No, no, no, you're still...
They're like, uh...
Well, never mind.
I-I saw a picture of them,
and I'm still confused.
Jethro, did you get some
good music for the wingding?
Did I ever?
Wait till you see them, Elly.
Four fellas that really wail.
Well, uh, tell me about them.
You'll meet them when I
fetch them home this evening.
Right now, I got to go into
town and get me some clothes
and do something about my hair.
Well, Granny'll cut your hair.
Cut it?
Gee.
Morning, Mr. Drysdale.
Good morning, Elly.
Let me get you a cup of coffee.
Oh, thank you.
How about a bowl of...?
Elly May, there was three
boxes of flakes in there.
Well, Jethro just
finished breakfast.
Oh.
Well, glad the boy's up.
We can go out and
get the decorations.
Jethro's gone to town, Pa.
Said he'd be back this evening.
This evening?
Why, we ain't gonna have time
to fetch the
trimmings for the hall.
Well, let me take care of
that for you, Mr. Clampett.
Well, can you get hay and
corn and pumpkins and such?
Anything you want.
I'll have it brought
in by the truckload.
I'd like some autumn leaves,
if it don't cost too much.
Hang the cost.
I enjoy spending
money on my friends,
especially when
they can afford it.
Well, it's about time
you was getting home.
Oh, where'd you
get all this stuff?
Never mind. Now get upstairs
and change your clothes.
Where's them fellas you
was gonna fetch home?
Miss Jane's bringing
them. Here we are.
There's more on the truck.
Granny, you got this
place looking like a barn.
No thanks to you!
Now, get upstairs and
change your clothes.
Go on, now get. Get!
Get!
What is it, Elly?
Well, I ain't sure, Pa.
It can't be a fiddle.
There ain't no bow with it.
It's not a banjo.
It ain't round and it
ain't got no skin on it.
Looks kind of like a
guitar, except it ain't holler.
It don't hardly make
no sound at all.
Reckon this is what them
music fellas is gonna play?
I hope not.
If your pa calls the
dances above a whisper,
he'll drown them out.
I'll see what else
is on the truck.
Doggone that Jethro.
What's the matter?
Well, he said Miss
Jane was fetching fellas.
She just drove up with
a whole carload of girls.
It was a honest mistake, Elly.
They's girls all right, but
they dressed like fellers.
Greetings, Mr. Clampett.
Your wingding
musicians are here.
Well, howdy, young
fellers... uh, ladies?
Welcome, everybody.
Gentlemen, these
are the Clampetts.
Clampetts, these are The Enemys.
- Howdy. -Hi.
- Hi, how are you?
Did she say they
was the enemies?
Yes'm.
I'm glad they ain't on our side.
Oh, they have some
other things to unload.
Oh, good, uh...
Say, excuse me, but, uh,
do any of y'all play the fiddle?
Well, if it's got a
b*at, we can fake it.
What do you make of it, Jed?
Jethro's got some
explaining to do.
What about?
How about this, huh?
Boy, have you
looked in the mirror?
Why? Is my wig on crooked?
Your head's on crooked.
Why'd you get
yourself up like that?
Well, this is the way
all the fellas looks now.
Heck fire, Pa, I ain't
gonna have no fun tonight
if all the fellas
look like girls.
Well, cheer up, Elly,
it might be some sport
just sorting them out.
Hello, Granny.
I wanted to get by earlier.
How's the wingding?
Are the young people dancing?
No!
They're twitching and jumping
like a bunch of
worms on a hot rock.
No wonder they got long hair.
They can't stand still
long enough to get it cut.
I-I hope Mr. Clampett
isn't too upset.
No, Jed's finally got
them quieting down.
He's trying to learn
them to square dance.
Wonderful. Let's go
see how he's doing.
Right hand your partner.
Left hand.
Both hands your partner.
Now you see how easy it is?
Especially when I call
out the moves for you.
Now, you reckon you can play
that "Turkey in the Straw" tune?
Oh, sure.
Dandy. Let's get going.
♪♪
♪♪
What are they doing now, Jed?
Believe it or not, they
is square dancing.
I'll be in the parlor
with a jug and a rocker.
I'm with her.
Elly?
I'm with them.
Me, too, Elly.
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪