04x12 - Mrs. Drysdale's Father

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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04x12 - Mrs. Drysdale's Father

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪

♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪

♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪

♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪

♪ Oil, that is ♪

♪ Black gold ♪

♪ Texas tea ♪

♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪

♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪

♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪

♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪

♪ Hills, that is ♪

♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪

I thought I heard
sh**ting out here.

Don't tell me you found
game in these hills.

We just doing a little
target plinking, Granny.

We tried smearing molasses
on that rock over yonder

and picking flies off it.

Yeah. Not many of 'em
showed up. Must be too cold.

Okay, Pa, y'all can
commence to sh**ting now.

Where's your target?

See that tree at the
bottom of the holler?

You call that sh**ting?

No, ma'am, but see that
board leaning up agin it?

Elly can hit that
with her slingshot.

We ain't sh**ting
at the board, Granny.

We's fixing to drive
them nails sticking in it.

Still say that ain't
hill country sh**ting.

Granny's right, boy.

- See that rock over on the left?
- Yes, sir.

Let's ricochet off that,
and then drive the nails.

Good!

How fer you make that to be?

Oh, about a hundred yards.

Too close for this g*n.

All right, boy, every other one.

Want me to run down
and turn it around, Pa,

so you can drive the nails
through the other way?

No, Elly, it just ain't no
sport at this distance.

That's the truth.

Why don't we all
go out in the country

where we can do
some real sh**ting?

- Now you're talking!
- Yeah! -

Ravenswood, what is going on?

Oh, it's the Clampetts, madam.

Well, go over there and
command them to cease at once.

Begging your pardon, madam,

having survived
the Battle of Britain,

I don't wish to press my luck.

Then summon the police.

Oh, Mr. Drysdale has
forbidden any such action.

Well, something has to be done.

This is Daddy's first visit.

One look at those savages,

and he'll take the next
plane back to Boston.

Maybe they'll prove somewhat
of a shock to the old gentleman.

A shock?

My father doesn't even
know that people like that exist.

He's spent his entire life

among the aristocracy
of Back Bay Boston.

Why, he hasn't even
accepted Milburn yet,

and we've been married 25 years.

Well, speaking of
your husband, madam,

perhaps he could persuade
the Clampetts to take a trip.

That money-hungry bourgeois.

He's afraid to let
them out of his sight.

I'll do it.

I must do it for Daddy's sake.

Tell Perkins to pick
me up at the Clampetts'.

We'll go to the
airport from there.

Yes, madam.

Whereabouts shall
we go, Uncle Jed?

Well, let's head
for some tall timber.

I hear there's a place out
thataway called West Wood.

Sounds dandy.

We ain't seen no real
woods since we left the hills.

Let her roll, boy.

Hey, wait for us.

Hey, yonder comes Mrs. Drysdale.

On the double, too.

Wait! Wait!

Howdy, Mrs. Drysdale.

Want to come out
in the country with us

and do a little sh**ting?

Uh, no, no, Mr. Clampett.

My father is arriving
from Boston this morning.

Well, do tell.

Well, ain't that nice?

I don't believe we
ever met your pa.

I know.

He never met
anyone like you either.

Don't they have
millionaires in Boston?

Well, that wasn't what I
meant, but never mind.

I'm here to ask a
very great favor.

Well, ask away.

Anything at all.

Just tell us what we can do.

Well, you see, Daddy is one
of the leading citizens of Boston,

and, uh, this will be
his first visit out here,

and I'm terribly anxious
to make a good impression.

And, well, I guess I'll just
have to come right to the point.

His plane will be arriving soon.

Could I persuade you
Clampetts to take a little trip?

Why, you bet you can.

Wonderful!

We'll go right out to
the airport and fetch him.

What?

Elly and me will stay
here, so you can go along.

Sure. You and your pa can
ride up here on the bench.

Good thinking, girls.

There's a dandy
view from up there.

She can show him the sights.

You, too, Duke, come on down.

Oh, no, no, Mr. Clampett!

Well, all right, if
you want to take him.

Your pa partial to
hound dogs, is he?

Never see a finer
one than old Duke.

Keep you warm up there, too.

Hop on, Mrs. Drysdale.

No, I wouldn't think of letting
you drive me to the airport.

Why, shucks, it's our pleasure.

It'll show your pa what
kind of neighbors you got.

My father doesn't even know
there are neighbors like you.

If you met him at the
airport, he'd faint dead away.

No fooling.

Little act of
kindness like that?

Oh...

Wonder why she changed her mind.

It seems her pa ain't
used to friendly neighbors.

I know how he feels.

That Boston must be a
heap like Beverly Hills.

Yeah. Mrs. Drysdale
figured meeting us right off

might be too much for him.

Poor old fella.

Milburn, Daddy is here.

Rise.

Milburn, my boy.

Welcome to
California, Mr. Farquhar.

Your first visit, I believe.

Yes.

Daddy has never been
west of Copley Square.

Well, and how was your trip?

Daddy had a dreadful experience.

He had to change
planes in Las Vegas.

I had no idea places
like that existed.

Poor Daddy.

How long were you there?

Six days.

Six days?!

Well, Margaret, I just couldn't
take any plane, you know?

Oh, of course, of course.

It must have been terrible.

Oh, pretty rugged.

Now if you'll excuse
us for a moment, dear,

I have some business to
discuss with your husband.

Do you hear that, Milburn?

Daddy wants to discuss
business with you.

Listen carefully!

Well, Milburn, my boy...

You got tapped in Vegas, huh?

m*rder*d.

That's an expression
I heard up there.

Of course, it would be
a simple matter for me

to telephone my
bank in Boston...

No, you didn't let me finish.

I'm overdrawn there.

You, a Farquhar, overdrawn?

Yes, yes.

I have kept it from my
daughter to spare her pride,

but ever since her
mother passed on,

I have met with a series
of financial reverses.

Well, I suppose it's that
I miss her so, you know?

Well, now, an old
man needs something

to turn to in... in his grief.

Now, if we could arrange

a little something
to tide me over...

How much do you want to borrow?

Oh, I'm not asking
to borrow money.

No?

No. I'll roll you high dice.

Forget it.

Now, look, I'm glad to
have you stay at the house.

You'll have a nice
room, plenty of food,

but I will not finance
your gambling.

In fact, you should seek a cure.

Would you like to finance that?

No, I wouldn't.

Any money you want, you'll have
to wheedle from your daughter.

I give her a very
generous allowance.

You know, son, for 25 years,

the Farquhars have
looked down on you.

We always felt Margaret
married beneath her.

And you know something?

We were right.

Daddy, before we go home, I
must prepare you for a shock.

He hasn't cut off
your allowance?

No, no. It's about our next-door
neighbors, the Clampetts.

They're terrible people.

Well, how terrible?

Oh, they're simply unbelievable.

Peasants... little better
than cave dwellers.

Well, why does
Milburn tolerate them?

They have $50
million in his bank.

How much did you say?

$50 million.

Daddy? Daddy?

Hmm?

Oh, oh, yes, dear. Yes, yes.

Steel yourself
for the Clampetts.

I'm ready, dear, I'm ready.

Any word of Mrs. Drysdale's pa?

Not yet.

Elly's in the top of the
elm tree keeping watch.

What smells so good?

Them's special
vittles to take over

when the old gentleman
gets in from Boston.

Mrs. Drysdale just
fetched her pa home.

Good. I'm baking him a possum.

What's he look like?

Oh, he's good size.

About that long...

I'm talking about
Mrs. Drysdale's pa.

Well, he's kind of a little man.

About pump-handle high.

Let's take over vittles and
get acquainted whilst we eat.

Now put that down, Jethro.

Besides, Jethro, he's
kind of shy and skittish.

We're gonna have to friendly
up to him a little at a time.

There's nothing friendlier
than a baked possum

grinning up at ya from
a platter of boiled okra.

And I'm gonna garnish it with
glazed turnips and hedge apples.

Mmm. I bet you
he ain't never ate

nothing like that
back in Boston.

Don't be too sure of that.

Being a leading citizen,
he's probably used to the best.

You say those,
uh, millionaires...

uh, those, um, peasants,
they live over that way, huh?

Yes. Mercifully, the hedge
conceals them from view.

Ah.

Money hasn't changed
them at all, huh?

Not a bit.

They don't know
what to do with it.

You don't say.

Oh, Daddy, they're
such a blight.

If only someone could rid
the neighborhood of them.

Well, I'll do what I
can to clean them out.

Stay away from
them, Daddy, please.

Beg pardon, madam.

The upstairs maid
wishes to speak to you.

Oh. Excuse me, Daddy.

Ravenswood, serve Mr. Farquhar.

Yes, madam.

Just, uh, just plain
there, Ravenswood.

Yes, sir.

Oh, tell me, those, uh,
Clampetts next door,

I suppose they're a
rowdy group, huh?

Gamble a lot, play
poker, sh**t dice?

Oh, no, sir. They're
simple people.

Rustic types.

Oh, rustic, huh?

Well, that'll help.

Oh, say, this is superb.

Now, you didn't learn to
make tea like this out here.

No, sir.

In the old country, sir,
the home of superb tea.

Really?

You don't talk like a Bostonian.

Howdy!

You must be Mrs. Drysdale's pa.

Uncle Jed said you was skittish.

Yes, yes, yes.

Who are... who are you?

Oh, I'm Jethro Bodine.

Oh, oh, for a moment,

I thought you might be
one of the Clampetts.

Well, I am. Uncle
Jed's my uncle,

Cousin Elly's my cousin,
and Granny's my grandma.

Genealogically
speaking, that computes.

Huh?

There are four of you.

Uh, just a minute, uh...

Well, yeah, that's right.

What's your name?

Lowell Redlings Farquhar.

Oh, go on.

No, that's really my name.

Well, would you mind if I
just called you "Shorty"?

Well... well, all right.

Go ahead, Jethro.

Thank you. I hope I ain't
friendlying up to you too fast,

but Granny won't bust
out the company vittles

till we's all good acquainted.

As a matter of fact,

I'm anxious to get
all good acquainted

with you Clampetts, too.

Well, hot dog!

Let's go!

Here, here!

Here, here! Here, wait!

What are you doing?

Jed, my possum is
comin' on for done to a turn.

How long we gonna have
to wait for that Boston fella

to get unskittish?

Well, if Miss Drysdale
don't fetch him over here

to meet us pretty soon,
we're gonna have to figure out

a way to commence
breaking the ice.

I can do that.

Got a little
icebreaker right here.

Don't get too
handy with that jug.

He might be a temperance man.

Jethro's a-comin' with
Miss Drysdale's pa!

Hi, everybody.

This here is my Uncle Jed,
my cousin Elly, my Granny.

- Howdy.
- How do you do?

Come on, Shorty, let's
go wash up and eat.

- Yes.
- Jethro, put that man down.

I tried that, Uncle Jed, but
he couldn't keep up with me.

Put him down!

Thank you.

I'm real sorry, Mr. Farquhar,

but when Jethro has
an empty stomach,

he gets a head to match.

Now, boy, you go in
the parlor and lay a fire.

Ain't we gonna eat?

Do like I tell you.

Gee whiz, after I went
and toted him over here,

introduced him and everything.

Elly May, you go on upstairs
and put on a pretty party dress.

Yes, sir, Pa.

Well, well.

How do you like your
possum, Mr. Farquhar?

Fallen off the bones tender

or with a little
fight left in it?

I beg your pardon.

Did you say "possum"?

Look at him, Jed.

He can't believe his good luck.

Just cook it the same
as always, Granny,

and it'll be
finger-lickin' good.

You boys enjoy yourself.

- I'll call you.
- Thank you.

Well, what would you
like to do, Mr. Farquhar?

Well, I don't know.

We might chat a little or...

I don't suppose you play cards?

Well, I have held a
couple of hands of whist.

Uh, what do you have in mind?

Well, I came across a new
game on the way out here.

Uh, something called poker.

Oh, yeah, I've heard of that.

Of course, I never played any.

It looked like a lot of fun.

Shall we give it a try?

Well, I'm sorry,

but I haven't got a deck
of cards in the house.

Well, it just so happens

that I have some here.

Well, good.

Yeah, I play solitaire a
lot now that I'm a widower.

Widower now?


And you only seen this
game played once, huh?

Yes, that's right.

You sure pick it up in a hurry.

Yes, didn't I?

Now, each one of these
matches is worth $100.

The dickens you say.

I'm gonna have
to speak to Jethro.

He uses a thousand dollars’
worth just getting the fire going.

Is that right?

Now we start off by
playing a little game

called Seven-Toed Pete.

I thought we was
gonna play poker.

It's the same thing.

You'll learn me as
we go along, huh?

Uh, you can depend upon it.

That's mighty nice of you.

It's a pleasure.

Still playing cards, is they?

Yes, ma'am. My,
but you look nice.

I thought I'd join
them for a spell.

Did you baste the possum?

- Why, no, ma'am.
- Why not?

Well, it's gone.

Gone?!

Everything's gone.

The turnips, the okra,
hedge apples, everything.

Where in the... Jethro!

Catch him, Elly!

He's gonna get what for
when the company leaves!

Kind of ashamed of myself.

I ain't learning this
game worth shucks.

Oh, no, no, you're
doing fine, fine, fine.

I'll tell you what.

Uh, we'll double the stakes,

and that way, you'll
have a chance to catch up.

Well, I wouldn't want you
to break the rules just for me.

Oh, I'm glad to do it.

Would you like me to deal once?

You've been doing it all.

No, no, no, I'm not tired.

How's it going?

Oh, fine, fine.

You boys shouldn't
play with matches.

We's ready for that
possum anytime, Granny.

Uh, uh... It's gone, Jed.

Gone?

That stomach that
walks like a boy got it.

This news is gonna lay
heavy on Mr. Farquhar.

Um, oh, yes, yes.

I'll be greatly disappointed.

I can open up a
can of something.

That'll be fine.

Now, let's see.

I can give you canned crawdads,

crow gizzards, hawk
eggs, gopher shanks.

Why don't you
surprise us, Granny.

Uh, uh, no surp... I'm
really not hungry, you know.

I know how you feel.

When you got your heart
set on baked possum,

nothing else sounds good.

How true, how true.

Can three play this game?

Oh, yes, indeed.

Yes, indeed.

Here.

Uh, do sit down.

And we'll open up
another box of matches.

Give Granny some
matches there, would you?

You'll enjoy this.

Would you look at that now.

Now, Mr. Farquhar,
let Granny and me help.

You've been working
your fingers to the bone.

Oh, no, no, no, I
don't mind really.

No, no, no, Jed's right.

After all, you're company.

Margaret, they told me at
the club to rush right home.

What's the matter?
What happened?

Have we been robbed?

Oh, no, Daddy has disappeared.

For that you called
me off the golf course?!

Milburn...

Listen, Margaret, I
had John Cushing

two strokes down
on the ninth hole.

I was a cinch to win $20.

But I don't think you understand
the gravity of this situation.

One moment Daddy was
sitting here having tea,

and the next moment he was gone.

Well, that's one relative

who doesn't wear
out his welcome.

I searched the grounds,

and there's no trace
of Mr. Farquhar.

Call the FBI!

Call the drugstore.

He's probably out in
front matching coins.

Milburn, you lout.

My father is a Farquhar.

Do you think he'd
stoop to gambling?

No, of course not, dear.

I was only joking.

Granny, uh, let me
deal now, will you?

Oh, I don't mind.

By doggies, Granny,

you're getting pert near
as good as Mr. Farquhar.

Thank you.

You'll have to learn her

that fancy way you deal
off the bottom of the deck.

Excuse me, Granny.

I shagged Jethro
pert near to town,

but he gave me the slip.

Well, never mind.

Are you hungry
yet, Mr. Farquhar?

No.

Well, you might as
well clear the dishes

off the fancy eating table.

Yes'm.

Too bad. We ain't had vittles

in the billiard
room in some time.

Oh?

Did you say billiar...
uh, billiard room?

Yeah, there's a billiard
head hanging on the wall.

Head?

Would you like to see it?

You're about out
of matches anyway.

Yes, I'd like very
much to see it, yes.

So, this being
called a billiard room

and that a billiard table,

we figured this critter
must be a billiard.

Awful plain-lookin', ain't he?

I'd say that, yes.

If that's the part they
put up on the wall,

I'd hate to think what
the rest of him looks like.

He must be as
heavy as he is homely.

You can see this
table is built extra stout.

Hold up his carcass.

Trouble is, it's so big, we
have to use these pot-passers

to hand the vittles around.

Uh, did you know that you
could play a game on this table?

You don't say.

Yes, it's called pool,

and you play it with
these, uh, pot-passers.

Well, doggies.

Mm-hmm. I could show
it to you, if you'd like.

Uh, we could play for matches.

Would you like that?

Well, that sounds dandy.

All right.

Oh, howdy, Mr. Drysdale.

Hello, Elly.

My wife insisted
that I come over.

I don't suppose
you've seen anything

of a white-haired
gentleman about...

About pump-handle high?

Why, sure. Mr. Farquhar's
been here all day.

He has?

He showed Pa and Granny how
to play something called poker.

Oh, no.

Howdy, Mr. Drysdale!

Elly, honey, would you
mind counting these matches?

Mr. Farquhar says
they're worth $100 apiece.

Where is that Back Bay burglar?

If you mean your wife's
pa, he's in the billiard room,

learning Jed to play
a game called pool.

Oh, that little hustler.

How many games have they played?

Oh, I'd say 15 or 20 by now.

Are you sure you've
never played pool before?

Nope, but it reminds me for
all the world of ricochet sh**t'.

What kind of sh**ting?

Ricochet. That's when
you bounce your b*llet

off a rock before
you hit the target.

Jethro and me does it a lot.

Farquhar, you old pirate!

Just a minute, Mr. Drysdale.

I'm fixin' to sh**t.

Now, what was it you
wanted, Mr. Drysdale?

I don't remember.

Rack 'em up, Mr. Farquhar.

Mr. Farquhar?

Elly May says that
these poker matches

come to $472,000.

Give or take a few thousand.

You took these innocent
people for that much?

Uh, no, that's what I owe them.

Uh, I don't know where

you buy your matches
in Boston, Mr. Farquhar,

but, uh, you're getting
overcharged something awful.

Now, uh, why don't you
take these back with you.

You can sell them
at a nice profit.

You mean that I don't owe then?

I'm not expected to...

Let's forget about the matches.

Uh, we'll both enjoy
the game better

if we don't have to keep track.

Well, that is wonderful.

Grab yourself a
pot-passer, Mr. Drysdale.

Rack 'em up, Mr. Farquhar.

Well, well.

Don't figure on playin'
more than an hour, Lowell.

I just stuck another
possum in the oven for you.

♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪

♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪

♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪

♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪

♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪

♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪

♪ Set a spell ♪

♪ Take your shoes off ♪

♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪
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