♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Uncle Jed! Granny!
Elly May!
Uncle Jed! Granny! Elly May!
What's all the commotion?
Well, Jethro's looking for us.
Went tearing on
through the parlor.
Want me to go catch him?
No, you might as well
let him make the circle
through the kitchen.
He'll be back.
Uncle Jed!
Granny! Elly May!
Uncle Jed!
Granny! Elly May! Uncle Jed!
Did I hear Jethro calling?
Yes'm, Granny.
He circled through the
house looking for us.
Best clear the doorway, Granny.
He'll come tearing
through there any minute.
No, he won't.
I just scrubbed
the library floor
and locked the door so
nobody could track up...
Uncle Jed! Granny!
Listen, I got the
greatest news for you.
I'm gonna be...
Jethro, you just
busted through a door.
I did?
I wondered what that noise was.
Let me tell you about the news.
I finally decided
on my life's calling.
Again?
This time it's for sure.
I mean, this job is a natural.
Well, what is it?
I'm gonna be a
five-star general.
General?
Five-star general.
That's the highest there is.
I thought you had your heart
set on being a double-naught spy.
Not no more. Why, everybody
and their dog has took up spying.
But there's only one or
maybe two five-star generals
in the whole country.
And you think you
can be one, huh?
Why, Uncle Jed,
I'm cut out for it.
Why, I got everything it takes:
leadership ability,
a cool alert mind
and unusual intelligence.
Jed, this is all that is
worth saving of that door.
The rest is just kindling.
Well, Jethro's
kind of wrought up.
He just stumbled on
to his life's calling again.
What is it this time?
I'm gonna be a
general in the Army.
Not ours, I hope.
I found some more, Granny.
Here, boy.
Build a door around this stuff.
I can't right now, Granny.
Got to commence
packing for West Point.
- West Point?
- What's that?
Well, that's where you
learn to be a general.
It's what you call
a m*llitary school.
Are you aiming to spend
the rest of your life in school?
You done graduated
from the sixth grade.
But at West Point, you
learn soldiering, too.
Sound like the boy's been
studying up on the place.
Uh, whereabouts
is this West Point?
Well, I don't know.
Well, uh, how you
expect to find it?
Well, I don't know that either.
Well, even if you do find it,
how you know
they'll take you in?
'Cause like I told you, I got
everything they's looking for:
leadership ability,
a cool alert mind...
And unusual intelligence.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, just so we
can write your ma,
maybe we better
find out a little more
about this West Point.
Well, maybe
Mr. Drysdale can help us.
Likely he could;
let's go see him.
Pa, can I go to West Point, too?
Elly May, West
Point is full of soldiers.
Well, Pa, can I go
to West Point, too?
Forget it, Elly.
What are a bunch of soldiers
gonna want with a girl around?
I just got to have
a talk with that boy.
Looks like
Mr. Drysdale's asleep.
No, no, he's just relaxing.
After lunch, he likes to put
a soothing pack on his eyes.
Chief?
Mr. Drysdale?
Gina?
Chief, wake up!
Huh?
Oh, what a wonderful dream.
I was all alone with
Gina Lollobrigida.
Chief!
And she made a
half-a-million-dollar deposit.
Oh, Mr. Clampett, Jethro.
Come in.
Sorry to bother
you, Mr. Drysdale.
No, no. It's always a pleasure.
What can I do for you?
Well, uh, Jethro here has
got a favor he'd like to ask you.
Well, you just ask
away... Anything at all.
I'd like to go to West Point.
Well, that's no
prob... West Point?
You, Jethro?
Why, ain't it a good school?
Well, yes, yes, yes.
It's one of the finest
schools in the world.
Well, boy, looks like
you made a good choice.
Can you fix it for him
to get in, Mr. Drysdale?
Well, Mr. Clampett,
in order for a young
man to enter West Point,
he has to have... it-it must...
Explain, Miss Hathaway.
Well, well, first of all, the
scholastic requirements
for qualification are
exceedingly stringent.
He-he must have a great
deal of academic preparation.
Are you saying it takes a
heap of schoolin' to get in?
Exactly.
Well, boy, here's
where sticking with it
clean through the sixth
grade is finally gonna pay off.
Explain further, Miss Hathaway.
Why does it have
to be West Point?
Well, Jethro would
like to learn soldiering.
He's got his heart
set on being a general.
- A general?
- Five-star general.
That's as high as you can
go without being president.
Well, you don't have to go to
West Point to learn soldiering.
Well, there's-there's an
excellent m*llitary academy
right here in Beverly
Hills: Havenhurst.
How's that sound to you, boy?
Well, gee, I kind
of got my heart set
on going to West Point.
But Havenhurst is so handy.
West Point is 3,000 miles away.
3,000?!
Gee, if I went
there, I'd just about
have to give up Granny's
cooking, wouldn't I?
Would be a long way
to tote lunch, yeah.
Can I get to be a five-star
general at Havenhurst?
Believe me, Jethro, you
have a better chance there
than you would
have at West Point.
Okay, I'll go.
Well, thank you, Mr. Drysdale.
Uh, Jethro and me'll go
over and get him joined up.
No, let me prepare them first.
I mean, I want to see if
they're prepared to give Jethro
the finest m*llitary training.
Shucks, it don't
have to be so fine,
just so long as I can get
to be a five-star general.
Well, let me take
care of everything,
and I'll keep in touch
with you, all right?
Very well. Thank you kindly.
Bye, Miss Jane.
Bye.
Bye.
Well, Chief, you've
done it again.
Just my usual quick thinking.
I mean, got yourself
out on a limb.
Havenhurst happens to be
a very exclusive institution
with high academic standards.
Well, so was Pott School;
I got him through that.
Only by threatening to
foreclose the mortgage.
Do I have a mortgage
on Havenhurst?
I'm afraid not.
Mm, so it'll be
a little tougher.
Call the commandant
and make an appointment.
For what time?
Well, it's up to you;
go as soon as you can.
You expect me to try and
get Jethro into Havenhurst?
Would you rather try to
get him into West Point?
Well, of course not,
but-but I don't see
why it should be
my responsibility.
Miss Hathaway, how often
do I have to explain to you
the workings of the
corporate structure.
I make the executive
decisions, you expedite them.
I paint the big picture,
you fill in the details.
I create the master
plan, you blueprint them.
I...
You put your foot
in it, I pull it out.
Exactly.
Well, Granny, looks
like this boy's gonna be
back in school real soon now.
m*llitary school.
Mr. Drysdale's getting me in.
Ah.
It's right here
in Beverly Hills.
I can eat at home.
How soon will this
mess be ready, Granny?
What did you call my vittles?
Oh, that's m*llitary talk.
When us officers
eat, we call it a mess.
And this here is what
you call a mess hall.
And you are the head mess maker.
All right, Jethro, uh...
Granny ain't interested
in m*llitary talk now.
Why don't you get
ready for school?
Okay, but I'm awful hungry.
What time is mess call, Granny?
Uh... she'll let you
know. Get going.
Well, I'd appreciate it if
somebody'd blow a bugle.
That's what they
do in the mili...
Get out of here!
Jed Clampett, you
take my word for it.
More schooling is gonna
be the ruination of that boy.
Now, Granny.
He's got so much book
learning in his head now,
there's no room left
in it for any sense.
But this is a m*llitary school.
Little taste of army
life ain't gonna hurt him.
That boy never took
a little taste of nothing.
You heard him say he
wants to be a general.
Oh, he might be cut out for it.
He's got the feet for marching
and the mouth for giving orders.
All right, Jed, from now
on, this is your worry.
I'm staying out of it.
Okay.
But it's you...
that'll have to
explain to his ma.
- Explain what?
- Never mind.
This is your worry.
I'm staying out of it.
Okay.
But it's you...
that'll have to dry
her tears, not me.
Tears?
Now, don't try and pump me.
I'm staying out of it.
Oh, yeah, I got
to remember that.
40 acres of weeds from
the poorhouse window
is a mighty sad end.
Pa?
Jethro says he's going
to a m*llitary school
right here in Beverly Hills.
- Yep.
- Just a minute, Elly!
Your pa wants to
ask me something.
No, I don't.
Well, that's your worry.
I'm staying out... You don't?
No.
It's a school called
Havenhurst, Elly.
According to
Mr. Drysdale, it's a dandy.
Well, can I go
over there with him,
and maybe I can
meet some fellas?
Setting in the
poorhouse window...
That's where Pearl's gonna be.
What's she talking about?
She'll let us know.
Well, uh, quick as
Jethro gets acquainted,
he'll likely fetch some
fellas home with him.
Looking out at her
40 acres of weeds.
What does that mean?
There's a way to find out quick.
Come on, Elly, let's
go call Mr. Drysdale.
'Cause her only boy
won't be coming home
to work them 40 acres that
she's always counted on!
He'll be going to school,
learning to be a
Beverly Hills general!
Pearl sold off them
40 acres of weeds
five years ago and
made a pot full of money.
Well, that's your worry.
I'm staying out of it.
Yeah, I forgot.
What do you mean,
you couldn't get him in?
Now, I gave my
word to Jed Clampett,
and when I give my word,
I expect you to keep it.
Well, I did my best, Chief.
I-I pleaded with the
commandant, but he was adamant.
Jethro will have to come
in for a personal interview
and take the standard
entrance examination.
Baloney!
But the commandant says...
Oh, nuts to the commandant!
He's used to pushing
little kids around.
Well, let's see what
happens when somebody
looks him in the eye and
tells him where to head in.
Now, get back there and try.
I'm going to lunch.
Chief, please.
What now, Miss Hathaway?
What now?
I told you what to
do and how to do it;
what more do you want?
I want you to do it.
After all, it was your idea.
Well, there you are.
I've done the
executive thinking.
I've created the master plan.
Now, it's up to you...
Chief, we have
been through that.
I am not going back.
Are you disobeying
a direct order?
Yes.
Miss Hathaway, need I remind you
that it's almost
Christmas bonus time?
Mr. Drysdale, I have
been with you for ten years,
and you have never yet given
anyone a Christmas bonus.
Well, is this any way
to get me to start?
All right, all right,
I'll do it myself.
If you need me, I'll
be at Havenhurst,
in the office of the
commandant, chewing him out.
Come in.
Cadet Captain Harry Hogan
reporting as ordered, sir.
At ease, Captain Hogan.
Now, then, as you know,
in the forthcoming
tactical field exercises,
Havenhurst will be
opposing Lexington Academy.
Yes, sir.
We will be the Blue Army,
they will be the Red Army.
Yes, sir.
Captain Hogan, I have chosen you
to take personal
command of the first squad,
which will spearhead our
defense of Beverly Hills.
Thank you, sir.
You deserve it.
Your grades have
been outstanding.
Now, then, step around
here and we'll discuss tactics.
Yes, sir.
Now, the Red Army, Lexington,
will be coming in
from Franklin Canyon.
They'll launch their
simulated att*ck in this sector.
Now, we will have to find a
suitable defense perimeter
somewhere around here.
Uh, let me get another map.
I can give you the
grid coordinates.
Yes, sir.
Now see here... Hollis!
- Let's get something straight.
- But, sir...
You speak when I
give you permission.
Now, I have a boy I want
enrolled in this school,
and don't give me any
hogwash about entrance exams
and personal
interviews. Is that clear?
Perfectly.
Hey, kid, your
voice is changing.
Who are you, sir,
and what do you want?
Oh. Why, you're the... he's...
- Oh, I guess I must have...
- Yes, you did.
I am Colonel Hollis.
I'm Milburn Drysdale, sir.
Any matters involving
enrollment must come through me.
Well, couldn't I talk to him?
- He seems very competent.
- What?
Well, I know how busy you
are, sir, running this fine school.
I believe I heard you say
that our entrance requirements
- were hogwash.
- Oh, no, sir.
I was just joking
with the little nipper.
Oh, he's a fine lad.
The boy you mentioned must
come in for a personal interview
and take an
entrance examination.
Oh, yes, sir. He's
a fine lad, too.
Oh, you'll like him, sir.
How old is he?
Well, he's kind
of big for his age.
Nice, tall, husky boy.
Been to elementary school.
Well, what is he, nine? Ten?
Oh, no, he's not that tall.
What?
Maybe you'd like to
take my word about him,
just go ahead and enroll him?
Bring him in.
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.
And thank you, sir.
1300 hours.
Yes, sir.
I know what that means.
I was in the service myself.
Quartermaster Corps... corporal.
You know, I-I
remember one time...
You are dismissed, Corporal.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Howdy, Miss Jane. Hear the news?
Mr. Drysdale's getting me into
the Havenhurst m*llitary Academy.
Here you are, Jethro.
Use my office to
change your clothes.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir!
Well, congratulations, Chief!
- How did you do it?
- Easy.
The minute I walked into
the commandant's office,
I took charge.
I didn't let him bluff
me like he did you.
Well, he seemed
so stern, so forceful.
You know, you're like a lot of
civilians, cowed by a uniform.
But not me.
I walked over to his desk,
I picked up his nameplate,
and I said, "See here, Hollis,
let's get something straight."
And he said, "But, sir..."
And I said, "You speak
when I give you permission!"
Gosh, th-that took
a lot of courage.
Bah. Don't forget, I was in
the Army myself for four years.
I can't wait to see
Jethro in his uniform.
Oh, there's plenty
of time for that.
- Have you been to lunch?
- No, not yet.
Well, you better go now.
Take an extra-long
one... Half hour.
Thank you.
Okay.
But... keep it to yourself.
Ready, Jethro?
Fine, fine.
Mr. Drysdale, are you sure this
is what I'm supposed to wear?
For the personal interview
with Colonel Hollis, yes.
Now, let's see you march
the way I showed you.
Yes, sir.
That's it. Excellent.
All right, let's go.
Oh. You better put this around
you before we get to Havenhurst.
Well, I'll be glad
when I get my uniform.
I sure don't feel much like a
five-star general with this on.
All right, Jethro, you
can straighten up now.
Thank you. My
knees was k*lling me.
Mr. Drysdale, I'd
like to see you alone.
I-I didn't know he was that big.
Oh, man, he sure fooled me.
If you will, please.
Gee, I was embarrassed when
I saw him wearing that outfit.
But you know how it is.
Some parents try to keep
their children from growing up.
Someone should
tell his they lost.
Well, obviously he doesn't
fit the Havenhurst image.
Well-well, he could get
used to marching like this.
W-Well, how did he do
in the entrance exam?
We, uh... we
didn't get that far.
During the interview, it came
out that his uncle's estate
is located right here
on this high ground
overlooking Franklin Canyon.
Oh, yes, he owns 12
acres right along that ridge.
Perfect defensive terrain.
Why, from this position, we
could pin down their as*ault,
counterattack on the
flank and save Beverly Hills.
Save Beverly Hills? From what?
Lexington m*llitary Academy.
Every year, we oppose
them in tactical field exercises,
and they've beaten
us nine years in a row.
Oh, I see.
But with the Clampett estate
as our defensive perimeter,
why, the referees would give
us the victory on strategy alone.
That's very interesting.
Sit down, Drysdale.
Let's talk.
No, you sit down; I'll talk.
Now see here... Hollis!
Let's get something straight...
Elly May. Granny.
Oh, good, you're ready.
Yeah, Pa. Is Jethro
here with them soldiers?
Must be. I just seen a
bus come through the gate.
A bus!
Looks like he fetched home
a whole gaggle of 'em, honey.
Now hold on, Elly.
Uh, wait a minute.
Uh, it ain't seemly for
a girl to appear eager.
- But I am, Pa.
- Oh, we know that, child.
But a girl has to
follow certain rules.
Now, when them soldiers come,
you'll be settin' in the
parlor playing the organ
just like you wasn't
expecting company at all.
But we ain't got no organ.
Then play the piani.
But I don't know how.
Elly, just set there.
I know the U.S. Army.
One look at you,
and them soldiers'll hear music
whether you're playin' or not.
Come on, you
guys! Let's move it!
Look sharp! Double
time! Let's go!
Come on! Let's move it!
Look sharp! Double
time! Let's go!
Come on, you guys! Look sharp!
Come on, Bodine! Shape up!
Yes, sir.
Attention!
What'd he say?
Quiet in the ranks!
Yes, sir.
Come on, Bodine!
Jed. Come here, quick.
What is it? The soldiers come?
Yeah. Take a look
at the size of 'em.
They's a bunch of runts.
Bodine, I said,
"Shoulder, arms."
Oh, I'm gettin' there.
By doggies, Jethro'd make
three of any one of 'em.
Yeah.
The Army must be awful
hard up to take 'em that size.
About face!
Bodine!
Yeah?
Oh, you want me
to turn around, huh?
If you don't mind.
Aw, heck no.
Hey, Uncle Jed! Granny!
Look at me! I'm in the Army!
Bodine, you're at attention.
Well, that's my Uncle Jed
and Granny. They live here.
Quiet!
Mr. Clampett, sir,
Captain Hogan,
commanding the First
Squad, Able Company.
Well, howdy, Cap'n.
Uh, this here is Granny.
Ma'am.
How old are you, sonny?
- Nine.
- Nine?
Well, almost.
Has Colonel Hollis arrived, sir?
No, you're the first
ones to get here.
Then I'll take charge
and deploy my men
along the defense perimeter.
We're expecting the
offensive to begin at exactly...
1500 hours.
Poor little fella.
Ain't even old
enough to tell time.
Jethro, is these real soldiers?
I'll say.
We's gonna defend Beverly
Hills against the Red Army.
The dickens you say.
Yeah.
Mr. Clampett, sir.
I must ask you not to
converse with my troops.
Well, I'm sorry, Cap'n, but
my nephew here just told me
that the Red Army is coming.
That's right, sir.
All civilians will please
stay out of the battle area.
Left, face!
Well, excuse me, Cap'n,
but, uh, is this all
the army you got?
No, sir. Two more
squads are on the way.
Port, arms!
Well, uh, uh, excuse
me again, Cap'n,
but is the fellas in them
other two squads any older?
No, sir. This is
the senior squad.
We're spearheading the defense.
Double time, march!
Hup, two, three,
four, hup, two...
Ain't they somethin' else?
Hey, wait for me!
Hup, two, three, four,
hup, two, three, four...
Granny, I don't know how
much of that you heard,
but Beverly Hills is
in a heap of trouble.
Hi, Granny. I'm tired
of setting at the piani.
Where's all them soldiers?
Forget it, Elly. They's
too little for girls.
- Oh, shucks.
- It don't matter.
Even if they was big
enough, they ain't got the time.
Them young'uns is
gonna have their hands full.
All right, men, we've
got 'em in our cross fire!
Keep it up!
a*mo!
Bodine, more rolls of
caps up here on the line!
I'm tired of passing out caps.
I'm gonna do some sh**t' now.
- Bodine!
- What you want?
- Come here.
- Well, I ain't had a chance to...
Quiet!
You big meathead.
You goof off once more,
and I'll bust you so low
you have to salute civilians.
Do you read me, Bodine?
Well, I hear you, if
that's what you mean.
Captain, sir, we've got
the Red Army on the run.
After them, men! Counterattack!
And you, Bodine, bring
a*mo on the double.
How's it going, Jethro?
We got the whole
Red Army on the run.
Here, Uncle Jed, take my g*n.
I got to pass out
a*mo to the troops.
By doggies, Granny,
we don't have to worry
about the U.S. Army.
They is little but
uncommon spunky.
What you mean?
Them young'uns is
whippin' the whole Red Army
with nothing but cap g*ns.
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪