♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Duke!
Let's go huntin', boy.
Jed! Good news.
Elly May's gettin' married.
What did you say?
Y-Your daughter Elly...
She's gettin' married.
When?
Don't know exactly.
Could be any time.
Well, who's she
getting married to?
Don't know that neither.
Could be anyone.
Then how do you know
she's getting married at all?
'Cause the signs point to it.
- What signs?
- All of them.
First off, I-I heard a dove coo
just as I broke a egg
with a double yolk.
Uh-huh. Well, uh, Duke
and me is going huntin'.
- Uh...
- A-And, Jed,
then I dumped out
the coffee grounds
and they fell in the
shape of a heart.
Uh-huh. Come on, Duke.
A-And... then I seen a white
butterfly inside the house.
Granny, I know you set a
great store by them signs...
I didn't depend on the signs.
I waited for proof.
I seen the ring.
Elly May's wearin' a ring?
No, no.
The smoke ring from
my soap kettle fire.
- Well, come on, Duke.
- It...
It floated right up to
Elly's bedroom window.
Well, I'm glad you waited
till it was a positive
for-certain thing.
Oh, there's no doubt about it.
She's gettin' married sure
as a goose goes barefoot.
Hey, everybody, did
you hear the news?
Sonny Drysdale's
coming home from school.
There you are, Jed!
That's your son-in-law.
I'll go tell Elly.
- Granny...
- Hey, Uncle Jed.
I didn't know you
had a son-in-law.
Hold this, boy.
Elly May! Elly May!
Hold on, Granny. I don't
want you telling Elly May
she's gonna marry
Sonny Drysdale.
Well, I'm only passing
on what the signs say.
Well, we's gonna wait for a few
more signs, such as him askin',
her sayin' yes and the
preacher collectin' his dollar.
But, Jed, us womenfolks
have a lot of gettin' ready to do
before Elly marries Sonny.
Stop saying Elly May's
gonna marry Sonny.
It was us counting
them chickens too soon
that caused all the
trouble the last time.
We pretty near got
into a sh**t' feud
with the Drysdales.
Well, why else would
Sonny be comin' home,
right in the midst of school?
I cut off his
allowance, that's why.
Do you know how long
that stepson of mine's
been going to college?
It's been quite a while.
19 years.
19 years?!
And he's still a sophomore.
He's been in and out of every
college east of the Rockies:
the oldest
undergraduate in history.
By the way, Chief, what
has Sonny been majoring in?
Writing.
Oh, really?!
Yeah. Every week, he
writes home for money.
Well, if I may ask, what
is he going to do out here?
Well, first he's gonna get
get a job and go to work.
Then he's gonna settle
down and marry a nice girl.
Oh, anybody in mind?
I don't care who he marries
as long as her name
is Elly May Clampett.
But, Chief...!
Now, listen, I've got
a fortune invested
in that ivy-covered stepson.
That's one way I might
get some of it back.
But surely you wouldn't engineer
a marriage just for money!
Sorry, Chief, lost my head.
Now, please, Sonny, don't
stay out there and pout.
I'm sure stepdaddy will change
his mind when he sees you.
Oh, my precious
baby, don't be bitter.
We'll straighten
things out with Milburn.
I'll never forgive him... never.
That insulting letter he wrote,
and that awful
four-letter word he used!
- No!
- Yes!
W-O-R-K!
Oh...
Right, Chief, I'll
take care of it.
Sonny! Sonny Drysdale!
How wonderful to see you!
I know.
Oh, yes.
Chief?
Milburn, I hope you're happy.
Here is the boy
you've scarred for life.
What?
Stepdad, why did
you tear my thirsty lips
from the fountain of knowledge?
Because you were
getting waterlogged.
Milburn, it's cruel of you
to thrust Sonny out into
the world so suddenly.
Don't worry, Margaret.
The world has survived
some pretty cruel blows.
Really!
It's all right, Mother.
Margaret, I'd like to
talk to Sonny alone.
You won't be vulgar or coarse?
He's at such an
impressionable age.
Just leave us alone.
I'll be right outside the door.
Whimper if you need me.
Now look, Sonny,
I want to be fair,
but how can a college
education go on for 19 years?
Well, you must realize, Stepdad,
that athletics take
up a lot of my time.
Athletics?
Yes. There's baseball,
basketball, football, hockey.
Really? You?
Of course. I go
to all the games.
Sit down.
Now look, Sonny...
Ah, this is ridiculous.
I've been calling you "Sonny"
ever since I
married your mother.
Now, what is your real name?
Adonis.
Now look, Sonny, I've got
some real good plans for you.
- Really, have you?
- Yes.
Have you ever thought
of getting married?
I've pinned a number of girls.
No, no, I don't mean
that college boy stuff.
I mean really settle
down and raise a family.
Well, I plan to... someday.
But I can't get serious now
until I finish my education.
Well, you've just finished
it, so start getting serious.
But, Stepdad, I can't
woo just any girl!
Don't worry.
I've got one in mind
who'll be just right for you.
- Oh, have you really?
- Yeah.
What's she like?
Gorgeous! Lovely hair,
exquisite face, magnificent figure,
breathtakingly beautiful.
Ooh! We're a matched pair!
Oh, I know we're going
to be so happy together.
Yes, but first you're
going to go out
and get a job and go to work.
Ooh!
Stepdad, you've
ruined everything!
Mother! Mother!
Mother?!
I declare, Duke,
I don't see how Beverly Hills
growed to be such a big town
with the hunting so poor.
But the walk done us
good, got our blood to stirrin',
and put some spring
back in our... Duke!
All right, now!
Let's take it from the start!
♪♪
Come on. Come on.
Elly May, you're rehearsing
for a wedding, not a footrace.
Now do it again!
Granny!
Rehearsal's over.
Here you are, Uncle Jed.
I've been taking off your part
for you, giving away Elly May.
Well, thank you, boy.
Heck, I'm glad to give her away
if Sonny Drysdale's
dumb enough to take her.
Just wait till I
get you outside!
Here, here! Stop that!
Jethro, take this back
upstairs and put it in my closet.
Yes, sir.
Boy, if he marries her, he
ain't just dumb, he's squirrel bait.
Come back down here.
One of these days I'm gonna
give him a good whupping!
I'm commencing to feel the
same way about your granny.
Just what did she tell you?
Well, she said I was gonna
marry up with Sonny Drysdale
just as sure as
ants at a picnic.
Trying to stop that little
woman is like trying to poke a cat
out from under a
porch with a wet rope.
Well, she said she
checked every sign,
and there just wasn't
no two ways about it:
I'm gonna marry Sonny Drysdale.
Uh-huh. I hope she
remembered to tell Sonny.
Excuse me, Chief.
Mrs. Drysdale and
Sonny are back.
Milburn...
Now look, Margaret, the boy's
going to work, and that's that.
So let's not have a big
emotional scene about it.
Don't worry. That's all over.
Nothing clears the air like a
good cry, and Sonny's had one.
There, there.
Be mother's brave soldier.
Stepdad, I'm
ready to go to work.
Good.
Sonny has decided to
follow in your footsteps
and work here at the bank.
Here?
I'm willing to
start at the bottom.
You can make me
a vice president.
How soon could he
get to be president?
Oh, just as soon as I can
get my name off the door.
Oh, I don't expect
to have this office.
I want something really nice.
I've got something
really nice for you.
And it's big, big
as all outdoors.
In fact, that's what
it is, all outdoors.
You're going to be a
door-to-door salesman!
Oh, no!
Ah!
You're jesting!
No, I'm not.
I got him a job selling
Adorable Beauty Products.
Milburn, how could you?
Well, it wasn't easy.
I had to lean on the
president of the company;
threatened to
foreclose his mortgage.
Sonny is holding his breath!
He's getting all
red in the face.
Good, it'll match
his sample case.
But what if one of his
fraternity brothers were
to see him peddling
things from door-to-door?
Yes, no Beta Gams work.
No what?
I'm a Beta Gamma Pi!
Well, you've just
pledged a new fraternity:
earn-a-piece-a-change.
And here's the secret grip!
Careful of that door, Jethro!
You want my
wedding cake to fall?
Oh, it's you, Jed.
Did you say "wedding cake"?
Well, I can't leave everything
go till the last minute.
Granny, you gotta stop
stirring up people and cakes
just because of a few signs.
I ain't going by the signs!
Just to satisfy you, I
made a bunch of tests,
and there is the proof that
Sonny is gonna marry Elly May.
Here, you can read
this for yourself.
Read it?
That's Elly's handkerchief,
soaked in morning dew,
wrung out with her little hands.
And you can see her
future husband's initials
right there in them wrinkles.
That's S.D., plain as
the nose on your face.
And all the other tests
come out the same way.
The apple seeds
in the hot shovel,
the buckeyes in the ashes,
three hairs from a cat's tail,
the turkey bones
and the buried chicken foot.
Every test known
to modern science.
Uh-huh.
Now, you'd better commence
to get your daughter's
dowry together,
'cause according to
them pawpaw seeds,
it's gonna be a fast courtship.
Tell Perkins to
pick me up out front.
Sorry, Chief,
Sonny has your car.
What for?
His new job.
A door-to-door salesman in
a chauffeur-driven limousine?
I'm afraid so.
Actually, it was
your wife's idea.
She said she couldn't
walk in high heels.
She's with him?
She thought he might need help.
Boy, does he need help.
Gee, Mother, I
feel so discouraged.
Now, dear.
We've been to five houses,
and I haven't sold a thing.
Well, Sonny, maybe
it's not enough
just to drive up in
front and honk the horn.
Are you suggesting
I knock on doors?
No, of course not.
Perkins can do it.
Perkins, why have you
brought us to the Clampetts?
Working our way down the
street, it's the next estate.
Oh, yes, and next is our house.
Let's go there directly, Sonny,
and I'll instruct the servants
to buy anything you say.
No, no, Mother, I
want to try here first.
Perkins.
No, no, Perkins.
I want to go to the door.
Sonny, not here.
These are the Clampetts.
You know, those
dreadful peasant people.
Remember?
I remember Elly May,
wild unspoiled wood nymph.
She'll buy my beauty products.
She'll buy anything from me.
Perkins, my sample case.
I'm going with you.
Mother, I'll do this myself.
But I'm afraid for my baby.
Mother!
I'm going to show
Stepdad that I'm a man.
You'll see, Mother.
I'll sell Elly my
beauty products.
Adorable man calling.
Hey, Sonny!
Hello, Jethro.
How are you?
Fine.
Is Elly May here?
She sure is.
Hey, Elly May,
Sonny Drysdale's here!
Stir your stumps!
Hey, is that for Elly?
Yes, I sure hope she likes it.
Howdy, Sonny.
Elly May,
you're even more
ravishing than I remembered.
Thank you.
So are you.
Yes.
Well, well, Sonny,
you got here at last.
Hi, Granny.
Howdy, Sonny. Good to see you.
Mr. Clampett.
Hey, Elly, wait till you
see what all's in here.
Please!
I want to show them to her.
You young folks
go right in the parlor.
Okay.
Not you.
Come, Elly May.
Come see what your
Adorable man has for you.
Well, Jed?
Looks like your tests was right.
You ought to see
what he brung her.
You can't go wrong
with apple seeds,
buckeyes, turkey
bones and chicken feet.
Oh, it weren't nothing to eat.
Just perfume
and stuff like that.
Sonny.
I never seen so
many pretty things.
I hope you like
each and every item.
Let's see, where shall we start?
Perfume.
This one's called
Moonswept Desire.
Gee whiz!
Well, that smells better
than vanilla extract.
It should, at $50 an ounce.
$50 an ounce!
Yes, let's try another one.
This is more expensive.
This is called Midnight Madness.
May I put a little
behind your ear?
Well, I can't
smell it back there.
You're right.
I'll put it behind mine.
Do you like it?
I sure do.
Would you take a bottle of each?
Well, if'n you
want me to have it.
I want you to have everything
in this treasure
trove of beauty.
Look what we have here.
Bath crystals, dusting
powder, hair spray,
rinses, beauty crystals,
nail polish, eye
makeup, lipstick.
You want me to
take all these things?
I wish you'd take
a dozen of each.
Well, I don't think
I'd ought to do that.
Please, Elly, it will
make me very happy.
Well, well, I don't
even know what to do
with some of these things.
Well, I'll show you.
Let's start with nail polish.
Give me your hand.
Granny.
Let me go, Jed.
Sonny just dropped
to his knees to propose.
That's fine, but it
ain't right to spy.
I wasn't spying.
What do you call it then?
Snooping. Now
let me get back to it.
Well, howdy, Mrs. Drysdale.
- Come in.
- Thank you.
Where's Sonny?
He's in the parlor with Elly.
I was just too nervous
to wait outside.
It's the first time Sonny's
ever tried anything like this.
Well, he seems to be
catching on real good.
I wanted to come in
with him and help him,
but he wouldn't let me.
Well, I should hope he wouldn't.
Mrs. Drysdale, we's real pleased
that you's in favor of
Sonny taking this step.
Oh, I was bitterly
opposed at first,
but his father insisted
that he was old enough.
Old enough?
If he was any older... - Oh!
Elly said yes!
She said yes to everything.
I'm so... Mother.
You promised you'd
let me do this myself.
Oh, my baby, don't be angry.
I am not your baby!
I am a man!
Just for this, I'm not
going to eat my vegetables.
What's the matter, Sonny?
Elly, I'm too upset
to talk about it now.
I'll be back tonight with
the rest of the things.
And then we can talk
about the money then.
Mother, why didn't
you stay outside
like you promised?
Now you've spoiled everything!
Oh, don't scold.
Mother's sorry.
She just won't untie them
apron strings, will she?
Well, don't worry.
When Sonny marries
Elly, we'll fix that.
When's the wedding, darling?
Well, he didn't say nothing
about getting married.
Well, what was he doing
in there on his knees?
Oh, painting my fingernails.
Doing what?
Oh, I'm supposed to
pick out my favorite color.
Well, when's he
going to propose?
Oh, tonight, I reckon.
That's when he's fetching
back the rest of my presents.
That money he was talking
about must be your dowry.
Well, he sure wasn't
bashful about that.
How much is my dowry, Pa?
Well, back home,
I had it figured out in
pigs, chickens and goats,
but Sonny seems
to favor hard cash.
Well, before you
talk about that,
you better see that
he puts more than paint
on your daughter's finger.
All right, Granny.
He's a slippery one, you know.
He backed down once before.
Well, I don't think
Mr. Drysdale is gonna
let that happen again.
Chief, the president
of Adorable Beauty
Products is on the phone.
Now, don't tell me he's
fired the jerk already.
Tell him I'm out of town.
Sonny sold a
thousand-dollar order.
What?!
The first customer he called on.
Ben?
Milburn!
Well, what'd you expect?
He's my son.
What's the difference?
I raised him, educated him.
He's got my... Oh,
I'll call you back.
My boy just walked in.
Congratulations, Sonny.
Yes, congratulations, my boy.
I had no idea the business
world was such a pushover.
Now let's talk about
that vice-presidency.
Yeah, well, the ability to sell
is a valuable commodity
in any business,
and you've
certainly proven that.
Stepdad?
Yes, son?
Just make me an offer.
Well, I-I suppose...
Considering...
Can't we discuss it?
Oh, all right.
Just sit down.
Sorry, Chief,
another phone call.
Not now, I'm talking to my
son, the super-salesman.
But it's Mr. Clampett.
I'll be brief, son.
Hello, Mr. Clampett.
Mr. Drysdale.
I've been trying to
get ahold of Sonny,
but you can tell him
for me not to bring Elly
all them gifts he promised her.
Gifts?
Yeah, she was just telling me,
perfume and all
kind of beauty stuff.
According to her,
it come to pretty near
a thousand dollars.
I see.
Oh, I know he plans to
ask her to marry him tonight,
but even so, it's too much.
Thank you, Mr. Clampett.
Good-bye.
You've just wasted 68
seconds of my valuable time.
Now let's have some action.
All right, Sonny.
Could you two sit down?
Ain't doing nothing
but stirring up a breeze.
What's Sonny doing
in there all this time?
You sure he's fixing
to pop the question?
He knows it's pop or get popped.
Elly May,
this is going to be a
terribly difficult thing
for me to ask you.
It's like penning up a wild deer
or capturing a
beautiful butterfly
or caging a soaring bird.
Are you sure you want
to do all that to me?
What do you mean, Sonny?
Oh, never mind.
What must be, must be.
Elly May, will you marry me?
No, thank you.
What was that?
No, thank you.
You're a real nice fella,
Sonny, and I like you a whole lot,
but I just don't love you,
and I don't think
you love me, neither.
But that's not the point.
You've turned down
Sonny Drysdale,
the sweetheart of
a dozen sororities,
king of countless campuses.
Are you sure you want to pass
up this chance for paradise?
Yep.
Have you thought
it over carefully?
Yep.
And you're willing to
give up instant ecstasy?
Yep.
Is that all you can say, "Yep"?
Nope, there's one other thing.
You're kneeling on my foot.
Mother!
Mother?
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪