♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Miss Hathaway is here.
About time.
You sent for me, Chief?
You bet I did. Where
have you been?
It's my day off.
Day off? I don't
give days off to...
What is that?
This happens to be
the official uniform
of the Biddle Bird-Watchers,
Beverly Hills Nest,
of which I am flockmaster.
Well, fly home and change.
You're taking me
up to the Clampetts
to get these income
tax returns signed.
B-B-But, Chief, one year ago
you promised me today off.
Our esteemed founder,
Professor P. Caspar Biddle,
is coming to town,
and... Oh, forget it.
I need you at the Clampetts
in case he asks me tax
questions I can't answer.
But, Chief, the
professor is leading us
to the nesting place of the
yellow-bellied sapsucker.
Not until I lead you
to the nesting place
of the stubble-cheeked taxpayer.
Now, come on.
We'll stop by your place,
and you can change clothes.
I am sorry, Chief.
I have worked weekends,
holidays, and nights
so that I might
have Biddle Day off,
and as flockmaster of
the Beverly Hills Nest,
it is my duty and privilege
to meet the professor
upon his arrival.
Well, call him, tell
him to take a taxi.
Our only contact
is by carrier pigeon,
and the last one
has been dispatched.
Carrier pigeon?
Yes, the professor is hiking
in from the Tehachapis.
I'm to meet him at the foot
of the Big Saugus Wash
in exactly 22 minutes.
All right, we'll pick him up
on the way to the Clampetts.
But, Chief, our
bird-watching expedition...
You'll be out of
there in plenty of time
to look for your
freckle-faced woodpecker
or whatever it is.
Yellow-bellied sapsucker.
All right, all right.
Come on, Pa, you
get the first taste.
So you made some doughnuts, huh?
Yes, sir, all by myself.
There they is.
Now, that's what you call
a real man-sized doughnut.
I made 'em especially
for you and Jethro.
Well, ain't that dandy?
Why, why don't
you go find Jethro
so he can, uh,
enjoy these with me?
Well, all right.
Who dropped a dish?
Wasn't no dish, Granny.
I busted one of
Elly's doughnuts.
Has that girl been
cooking again?
I reckon you could call it that.
They come out a mite crisp.
Wait till I show you
the cookies she baked yesterday.
Here.
Try one.
Okay.
No, no, don't put
it in your mouth.
Why not?
No telling what she's
got in them things.
Well, what's wrong with them?
Here, I'll show you.
Hold on to that.
That girl don't turn out
your average, run-of-the-mill
baked goods, does she?
You ain't seen nothing yet.
Watch this.
Granny, I think we've
got to stop telling Elly
the way to get a man
is with her cooking.
Yeah.
Poor fella.
First meal would be his last.
Mr. Drysdale's coming over
with some tax papers for me.
I'll mention again about
Elly meeting some fellas.
Mention nothing.
Hit him with one
of these doughnuts.
Bounce a cookie
off of his noggin.
Well, I'll put it as
plain as I know how.
You tell him, if he don't
come up with a fella,
I'm going to commence
burying Elly's cooking in his yard,
k*ll a few of his trees.
Hold it. Don't knock.
I distinctly heard the
call of a hermit warbler.
How exciting.
Perhaps the Clampetts will know
if there's one nested hereabout.
You wait here.
If there are any questions,
I'll sneak out and see you.
But Professor Biddle would
like to meet Mr. Clampett.
Yes, I'm trying to raise
money to aid in the preservation
of the California condor.
The professor is
the only human being
who has ever managed to live
in prolonged and
intimate contact
with that rare and
remarkable bird.
I have actually
occupied a condor's nest.
As these photographs will prove.
I took these with a trip wire.
Of course, the condor's
nest is just a rocky ledge
or sheltered spot
high among the rocks.
As you know, Chief,
the California condor
is probably one of the
largest of all flying birds.
But they need help if we are
to keep them from disappearing.
There are only about 40 left.
A donation from
Mr. Clampett... Forget it.
Now, wait in the
car, both of you,
preferably in the trunk.
Well, Mr. Drysdale, come in.
Thank you, Mr. Clampett.
Who's them two fellas?
Oh, just a couple
of bird-watchers.
Well, from the looks of 'em,
the birds are probably doing
a little watching theirselves.
Well, Mr. Clampett,
I'm afraid it's that
time of year again.
What you mean?
Time for us to pay
our... income taxes.
Oh, good.
Let's give 'em a
little extra this year.
What?
Well, I sure can't spend
all the money I got,
and it ain't doing no good just
laying down there in your bank.
You turned pale.
You feeling poorly?
No, I'll, I'll be all right.
May I have a glass of water?
Well, howdy there.
Elly May, hello.
Miss Jane, I didn't
know you right off.
Elly May, I should
like you to meet
the famous
ornithologist and founder
of Biddle's Bird-Watchers,
Professor P. Caspar Biddle.
Elly May Clampett.
How do you do, Miss Clampett?
Well, howdy.
What y'all looking for?
Birds.
Well, shucks, you
don't need them things.
I'll just whistle you one down
so's you can see it up close.
A wild bird?
Well, what would you like?
Blue jay, a robin,
a owl, a dove?
She does have an amazing
rapport with wild creatures.
Well, yonder's Henry.
Come on down, Henry.
Come on now.
Remarkable.
She has tamed a
Cyanocitta stelleri.
Well, this is a blue jay.
Same thing, Elly.
He's a member of
the Corvidae family.
No, ma'am, he's a Clampett.
See you later, Henry.
Flockmaster Hathaway,
why isn't this girl a
Biddle Bird-Watcher?
A definite oversight on my
part, Commander Biddle.
Elly May would make
a splendid addition
to our Beverly Hills Nest.
Would you like that, Elly?
I reckon so.
Well, I suggest we
induct her right now
and get her uniformed in
time for today's expedition.
Good thinking.
Raise your right hand
and repeat after me.
Hello there, Granny.
Hello.
Well, Jed, did you put
it to him about the fella?
What fella, Granny?
The fella Elly ain't got.
Well, uh, Mr. Drysdale
wasn't feeling good.
I thought I'd wait a bit.
Elly's been waiting four years.
If you can't come
up with a new one,
bring back one of the old ones,
like that big,
handsome movie star,
Dash Riprock.
Yeah, what happened there?
Elly liked him a heap.
And he liked Elly.
Well, then, why don't he
come around no more?
Get after him.
Twist his arm a bit.
I'll do just that.
Well, now, hold on.
I wouldn't want you
pushing Mr. Riprock at Elly.
Pa, Granny!
Look at the fella I just met.
Hello, I am P. Caspar Biddle.
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
We's going bird-watching
in Griffith Park.
Yes, we're going to look
for the nesting place of
the yellow-bellied sapsucker.
I reckon it wouldn't hurt
to push Mr. Riprock a little.
Dash Riprock to
see Mr. Drysdale.
Dash Riprock.
In person.
Here in this office.
Yes.
I believe I'm expected.
Oh, no, I would have
had my hair done
and worn a
different dress, and...
I meant Mr. Drysdale
is expecting me.
Miss?
May I have your autograph?
Of course.
Not there.
Here.
What are you doing
out here, Noodleman?
Mr. Drysdale, I'd appreciate it
if you'd use my
professional name,
Dash Riprock.
Oh, forgive me, forgive me.
I've been reading your contract.
In here you're Homer
Noodleman of Peoria, Illinois.
Yes, that's my legal name.
Interesting thing about
your contract, Homer...
Uh, Dash... The
studio has the right
to put you in a
television series.
Oh, I'm sure they
wouldn't want to do that.
Yes, well, they usually
do what I recommend.
But I'm strictly a movie star.
The overexposure
of television...
Oh, well, le-let's
forget it, then.
Well, how's everything else?
Been having any fun?
Oh, man.
Yes, I've read about you
in the gossip columns.
You must have
five or six girls, eh?
Oh, don't believe everything
you read in the newspaper.
More like 15 or 20.
Tell me, Dash,
whatever happened with
you and Elly May Clampett?
Who?
The little hillbilly girl.
Oh, yeah, Elly May.
Nice girl, real sweet.
Beautiful, too.
Then, why don't you
date her anymore?
Oh, no, not me.
Those people play with g*ns.
What?
I brought her home one night;
Granny was waiting up for us
with a double-barreled
shotgun across her lap.
Well, you shouldn't
have kept her out so late.
It was 8:30.
Now, look, Dash,
just do me a favor
and start dating Elly again, eh?
No, thank you.
The code of the
hills is not for me.
Yeah, well,
you won't have time for
dating anyway once you start
your new television
series, Crabman.
What?
We'll cash in on the craze
for comic strip heroes.
You'll wear a crab outfit
with these big claws...
and drive a crabmobile.
Mr. Drysdale?
Yes, Homer?
Can I use your phone?
I'd like to call Mr. Clampett,
ask permission to
see his daughter.
Good boy, Dash.
Oh, Professor,
Miss Jane says her and
Elly will be out directly.
Thank you.
What was that?
Nothing, I just
busted a doughnut.
Oh.
Doughnut?
What you looking at?
Well, I'm trying
to find a stelleri
in that dying elm tree.
Oh, that ain't
what's k*lling it.
That's last week's cupcakes.
Cupcakes?
Uh, yeah.
Set down, set down, Professor.
Tell me all about yourself.
Is there something
alive in that sack?
Just some cookies.
What?
Uh, where you from, Professor?
Well, at present I'm living
in a little shack up
in the mountains.
Well, you ain't got the
look of a mountain man.
Well, no, it's not
my native habitat.
I'm just living there to be
near my friends the condors.
They live in the
mountains, do they?
Oh, yes, that's the
only place they're happy.
I know just how they feel.
Are you familiar with
the California condors?
No, but that name rings a bell.
You know any other condors?
Well, there are some
in South America.
That's down in my
neck of the woods.
Doubtless you mean
the Andean condors.
No.
Let me see now.
What was their name again?
Here she is, Professor,
our fledging bird-watcher.
My word,
you are a credit to our
group, Miss Clampett.
- Thank you.
- We best hurry, Commander Biddle.
We rendezvous with
the others at 1400 hours.
Oh, yes, yes, so we do.
- Good-bye, Granny.
- Bye-bye.
Granny.
Granny, I can't find them
cookies I baked yesterday.
You can't?
No, and I wanted
to take 'em with me.
Same thing happened
to my cupcakes last week.
Well, don't worry
about it, honey.
Say, Elly, uh, Riprock called
whilst you was out
getting your uniform,
said he was coming
over to see you.
W-Well, tell him I'll
get back quick as I can.
Well, ain't you
gonna wait for him?
He should be here by now.
Well, I can't, Pa.
I'm going with them.
Well, now, Elly, don't
you remember Dash,
that big, strapping,
good-looking movie star?
Sure.
Tell him I'll get back
just as soon as we're
done bird-watching.
Well, say, you might
as well take along
my birdcall that I whittled.
It's upstairs in my
room someplace.
Okay, be back in a minute.
Say, now, there's who you
ought to take bird-watching.
Jethro?
Have him break trail
through the brush for you.
Them feet of his
will lay down a path
you could drive a wagon over.
What do you think, Commander?
Well, he's not
in uniform, but I...
Jethro, come here, boy.
You're going bird-watching.
Here.
Take this out in the woods
with you and get rid of it.
But don't let Elly
see what's in it.
- Huh?
- Come on, boy, they's waiting for you.
Uncle Jed, what's going on here?
You're going out
looking for birds.
Hot dog.
What kind? Quail,
duck, pheasant, turkey?
Ask them.
Jethro Bodine, Professor
P. Caspar Biddle.
Hello, Jethro.
Howdy.
What kind of birds are
we going looking for?
Yellow-bellied sapsuckers.
Dibbies on the drumstick.
Y'all have fun now.
I found it, Pa.
Well, now, say, Elly,
that ain't the
call I had in mind.
- Bye. -Bye.
- Bye!
I thought you said Dash
Riprock was coming to see Elly.
He is, but I couldn't hold her.
Now we got to figure how
to hold him till she gets back.
Oh, that won't be no chore.
I've got a great big
pot of grits and gopher
I can warm up for him.
That ought to hold him.
Speaking of gophers,
do you remember
that bucktoothed family
that used to live
up on Piney Ridge?
You mean the Condors?
Yeah.
What was their first names?
Let me think now.
It wasn't Andy and
somebody, was it?
No, let's see now.
Hers was Jenny.
That's right.
They called her Aunt Jenny.
And Uncle Will.
Will and Jenny Condor.
That's them.
Had 14 young'uns.
Every one of 'em bucktoothed.
When that family went
to eating corn on the cob,
they set up a clatter you
could hear for a mile away.
What made you ask
about 'em, Granny?
That little professor fella.
He knows some Condors
out here in California.
The dickens you say.
Wonder if they's any
kin to Will and Jenny?
Could be.
They's mountain folks.
Well, let's have
them down to vittles.
Dandy idea.
The professor's
staying with them.
He can fetch 'em down.
I'll cook up a great
big mess of catfish.
And plenty of corn on the cob.
Mr. Clampett!
Oh, boy,
my tax man found one
form you didn't sign.
You ran all the
way from the bank?
No, no, just my house.
Come in, come in.
I didn't see Dash Riprock's car.
Are he and Elly out driving?
Well, he said he
was coming over,
but he ain't showed up.
- What?
- He's missed Elly.
She's gone off with the
Biddle Bird-Watchers.
Why, Mr. Riprock, come in.
Hello, Granny.
Hi there, Mr. Clampett.
Howdy, Mr. Riprock.
Mr. Drysdale.
Hello, Crabman.
Mr. Drysdale, wait,
let me explain it.
I got here as soon as I could.
It wasn't soon enough, Homer.
I wanted to clear
the whole afternoon
and evening for Elly May.
That was six dates
I had to break.
Okay.
You've got one more
chance, but make good,
or you'll be combing
seaweed out of your hair...
with a claw.
You ain't leaving,
are you, Mr. Riprock?
Elly will be back.
And I'll be waiting for her.
I'll sit right here
so I don't miss her.
Oh, no, you don't
have to do that.
Come on inside
and be comfortable.
I'll give you some, uh, vittles.
Do you like grits?
Well, I like anything
you cook, Granny.
Wait till you see what
I've cooked with them.
I sure hope that professor
don't keep Elly away too long.
Oh, say, speaking
of that little oddball,
did he ask you for money
to help the condors?
No, he spoke to
Granny about 'em,
but he didn't ask for money.
Good.
But if the Condors need help,
I'll give him all the
money he wants.
Mr. Drysdale.
Please, M-Mr. Clampett.
Turning pale again.
Now, look, don't give
the professor any money,
at least until I've looked
into the tax aspects.
It may not be deductible.
Well, what difference
does that make?
Now, please, just wait
until I've checked into it.
Meantime, the
State of California
is doing what it can
to help the condors.
So, you relax,
and I'll-I'll get back to you.
I sure hope they ain't
related to Will and Jenny.
Be a blow to find out their kin
was taking charity
from the state.
This might take
a bit to warm up.
That's all right.
I'd offer you one
of Elly's cookies,
but they's all gone.
I tell you, when that
girl bakes something,
it don't stay around
no time at all.
She must be pretty good.
"Good" ain't the
word for Elly's cooking.
Why, just this morning,
she baked ten
pounds of doughnuts,
and they's gone already.
Just my luck to miss out on 'em.
It sure is.
Well, how y'all doing?
Granny's been telling
me all about Elly's cooking.
Oh, well, uh, don't
forget, she's awful pretty.
What?
He didn't get a chance
to sample nothing, Jed.
Oh, that's too bad.
But then, from what I hear tell,
you movie stars ain't
never home to eat nohow.
True, but then something
like Elly's cooking
might just settle a fella down.
That's a fact.
If Elly's cooking, then a fella
might never leave the table.
Now, now, now, now,
you're going to be all right.
What's the matter with Jethro?
Oh, he became ill on the trail.
We terminated our expedition
and rushed him home.
What's hurting you, boy?
Them doughnuts you give me.
I feel like I swallowed a
couple of brake drums.
You ate 'em?!
Well, what'd you
think I'd do, bury 'em?
It's my own fault
for making 'em.
I shouldn't have
tried to best Elly.
What are you talking about?
Elly's the...
Best thing in the world
for a stomachache.
Miss Jane, take Dash out
and show him the cement pond.
That's a good idea.
Oh, well, we-we-we've
seen the cement pond.
It's got all different
water in it now.
It's real purty.
You get upstairs to bed.
I'll be up directly
and doctor you.
Now I know what
a chicken feels like
with a gizzard full of rocks.
Granny, I'm glad to get
you alone for a minute.
You know them Condors
we was wanting to
have down to vittles?
Yeah?
Well, it turns out
they's real hard up.
No.
According to Mr. Drysdale,
they is on relief.
Well, let's give 'em
a sackful of money.
Granny, they is mountain folks.
They wouldn't take
money from strangers.
True.
We got to figure
a way to help 'em
so they can keep their pride.
The little professor
fella is a friend of theirs.
Why don't you talk to
him whilst I remedy Jethro?
Good idea.
You're absolutely
amazing, Elly May.
You've even tamed a
Corvus brachyrhynchos.
For a bird-watcher, you sure
don't know much about critters.
This here is a crow.
Oh, Elly May, I've never
met anyone like you.
Well, I never met
anybody like you neither.
May I give your feathered
friend some food?
Why, sure.
I always carry a supply
in my crumb case.
You tote that around
just for the birds?
Well, no, actually,
these larger
pieces are my lunch.
But I'm happy to share
them with your friend.
Well, he's your friend, too.
I hope we're going to
be good friends, Elly.
We already are.
Why, you're one of
the nicest, kindest...
Elly May, you're back.
Well, howdy, Dash.
This here is Professor Biddle.
Hi. Gee, it's good to see you.
Thank you.
Dash, this is the
famous Professor Biddle
I've been telling you about.
Swell.
Come on, Elly,
let's go for a walk.
Now, here, just a moment.
- I-I... Sir?
- Oh, Professor.
You're just the fella
I've been looking for.
- But I...
- Sit down.
I want to talk to you about
helping them Condors.
Oh, that would be wonderful.
- Indeed it would, Mr. Clampett.
- You, too, Miss Jane.
- Sit down.
- Oh, thank you.
Granny tells me
you've been staying
with them up there
in the mountains.
Yes, I have.
What kind of place they got?
Well, they live mostly in
caves and on rock ledges.
Do tell.
How many of 'em
is there up there?
Well, I've only
counted 12 myself,
but there's supposed to be
about 40 of them altogether.
They got Will and
Jenny backed off.
I bet you, when
that California bunch
goes to eating corn on the
cob, you can't hear yourself think.
Mr. Clampett, condors
do not eat corn.
The ones back home do.
Back home?
Oh, you're probably
thinking of wild turkeys.
No, it was corn on the
cob made the noise.
Perhaps I can clear
up the confusion.
Commander, where
are those pictures
of you and the condors?
Uh, in my map case inside.
Excuse me.
Say, uh, Professor,
I got a kind of a notion.
Supposing, uh, instead of money,
we gather together a
bunch of clothes and stuff
and leave 'em up
there in the mountains
where the Condors can find 'em.
Clothes?
Yeah, good, heavy, warm stuff.
You couldn't get a
condor to wear clothes.
You mean to tell
me there's 40 of 'em
running around up there
bucktoothed, naked?
Mr. Clampett, do you know
what a condor looks like?
I don't care how
pretty they are.
They ought to wear something.
Oh, Mr. Clampett,
I am so thrilled
that you're going to
help the commander
in his fight to
save the condors.
For years now they have been
driven farther and farther back
into the mountains, sh*t
at, harassed, poisoned...
I don't wonder, the
way they carry on.
Well, wait.
Let me show you
pictures of the condors.
No, thank you.
Whatever you do,
don't let Granny see 'em.
Mr. Clampett... Clothes?
On condors?
Gee, and they call me a nut.
But like I told you,
I got a date with
Professor Biddle tonight.
Well, break it.
I broke six for you.
Well, I can't do that.
Of course you can.
No, I can't.
Excuse me, I
believe the young lady
made herself clear.
Now stay out
of this, little fella.
Now look, Elly...
I'm warning you,
don't annoy her.
Butt out, Buster.
I'm afraid you leave
me no alternative.
Prepare to defend yourself.
Well, I'll be doggoned.
So that's a condor?
Yes, they're the
largest bird that... Ow!
Do you give up?
Yes. Yes!
Say uncle.
Uncle. Uncle!
Very well.
Let him up, Elly.
No hard feelings, Dash.
See you tomorrow night.
Okay, but don't be surprised
if I pick you up
in a crabmobile.
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪