♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Jethro! Jethro!
Good for nothing, girl-chasing,
work-shirking,
chore-skipping sneak-off!
Jethro!
I'll give him a paddling that
he can write home about.
Jethro!
Now, hold it,
Granny, I ain't Jethro.
I know it.
He done ate a ten-pound
breakfast and snuck off.
Well, now, sit down
while I tell you the news.
Probably took off for
town for more girl-watching.
Granny, Jethro has
done hired hisself out.
You mean he gets
paid for watching girls?
He's working.
Got hisself a job cleaning
out Mr. Drysdale's garage.
Praise be.
How did you manage that?
Jethro did it hisself when I
wouldn't raise his allowance.
Raise it?
Why, back home, I
could feed five young'uns
and a good sized mule
on what you give him.
I know, but the boy just
said he had to have more
than a dollar a week.
Maybe he's took
up with gamblers.
No, I think it's girl-hunting
expenses more than anything.
What you mean?
Oh, that stuff you have to buy,
like, uh, shaving smellum,
uh, shoe polish, hair stickum.
Stuff like that.
Pretty big investment
when you're just starting out.
What does Mr. Drysdale pay him?
$15.
$15?
And Jethro says
there's a lot more work
right here in the neighborhood.
Well, if he can clean
out garages as quick
as he can iceboxes, he
stands to make a fortune.
Well, I just hope it
keeps his mind off
of not having a girlfriend.
Here lately he's been as sad
as a big-beaked
bird in a hailstorm.
Hi, Jethro.
Hey, where'd you
get the magazines?
Mr. Drysdale's garage.
Swinger?
I ain't never heard of that.
That's 'cause it's the magazine
of international playboys.
And you ain't no
international playboy.
Well, then, how come
you're reading them?
You ain't an
international nothing.
Boy, there is an article in
here on how to give girls
the brush-off, and that's
the first one I'm gonna read.
Well, Jethro, I see...
Hey, Uncle Jed, come on inside.
Man-to-man stuff.
You get that whole
truckload from next door?
I already took two
loads to the dump.
Then I found the key to
fame, fortune, and females.
At the dump?
No, in the Drysdales' garage.
This whole stack
was sitting there
just waiting to get hauled away.
"Swinger,
the Magazine for
International Playboys."
Mr. Drysdale read this?
Well, him or Mrs. Drysdale, one.
- I don't hardly think...
- Listen to this, Uncle Jed.
"How to Be an International
Playboy, page 22.
"Cozy Cooking for
Cuddly Couples, page 30.
Furnishing the
Bachelor Pad, page 45."
Uncle Jed, this is just
what I've been looking for.
I can hardly wait
to start studying.
Oh, that there is the
Kitty Kat of the Month.
There's one in every issue.
Jethro.
You'd better get
these all out of sight
before Granny sees 'em.
Well, ain't Granny never seen
a girl in a bathing suit afore?
She ain't never seen so
much girl in so little suit.
Now get 'em out of here.
All right, I'll take
'em up to my room.
Jethro, when I say out of sight,
I mean way out of sight.
Aw, gee, the one time
I was looking forward
to doing my homework.
Good morning, Miss
Hathaway. How are you today?
Well, good
morning, Chief, I'm...
suffering from sunstroke,
malaria, and a broken arm.
I have the hauling
service estimate
for cleaning out
your garage, Chief.
They'll do it for $75.
I see.
And what is your recommendation?
I'd hire them.
A perfect example
of secretarial thinking
as opposed to
executive thinking.
I hired Jethro to do it for $15.
Chief, he'll spend
that much on gasoline,
just hauling stuff to the dump.
W-Why, there must be
a ton of junk out there.
My dear Miss
Hathaway, that garage is
full of valuable items,
and as part of the
deal, I told Jethro
he could keep
anything he wanted.
How generous.
Well, there's no telling
what he might find.
Why, in the old clothes box,
there's a dressing
gown I've never worn.
Sonny gave it to
me one Christmas.
He must have hated me that year.
And there's an old record
player, boxes of records, tires,
lawn furniture, an old radio.
Why, there must be a
ton of junk out there...
Uh, valuable items.
We having company for lunch?
Well, that ain't for us, Jed.
That's for Jethro.
Jethro?
Well, if he's gonna
be cleaning out two
or three garages every
day, he's got to eat good.
Jethro's coming, and
wait till you see him.
Oh, the poor darling.
He must be worn to a frazzle.
All hot and tired and dusty.
Greetings, dear friends.
What in tarnation
are you got up for?
Reckon you ain't never seen
an international playboy before.
Most country folks ain't.
Where'd you get that outfit?
Mr. Drysdale said I could keep
anything I found in his garage.
Well, this and
this scarf is part
of his old m*llitary uniform.
What?
Yeah, I found it in a box
marked, uh, "Salvation Army."
Granny, is this
all you got to eat?
What's wrong with it?
Well, nothing, but according
to Swinger magazine,
us international
playboys has got to have
what you call "cuisine"
instead of just, uh, vittles.
What's Swinger magazine?
That's the handbook of
international playboys.
It says that 65% of us
eat stuff like, uh, tornados,
"fill-et mig-non,"
and lobster and stuff.
Oh, if I'd only knowed.
Hey, and you got
to learn how to cook
a little critter called
a, uh, a martini.
What's a martini?
Well, I don't know, but 36%
of international playboys
has two or more for lunch.
Ain't this dandy-looking,
Uncle Jed?
Of course, if you want to
give me something, uh...
I could use some
smoking jackets.
What you're gonna get
is some smoking britches!
Now, take it easy, Granny.
I think something fell on his
head, cleaning that garage.
It even looks flattened out.
She don't bother me, Uncle Jed.
I have found my
what you call "destiny."
Do you know that 85%
of international playboys
drive sporty cars?
78% have their
own hi-fi stereos.
And 98% have more
than three girlfriends.
Playboying sounds
kind of expensive.
Oh, I ain't planning on
getting everything right off.
I'm gonna start with
just two girlfriends.
Let me get my paddle, Jed.
Now, hold it, Granny.
Even so, boy, if you was to
quit cleaning garages for hire...
Oh, I can save a little
on my bachelor pad.
Your what?
My bachelor pad.
99% of all international
playboys has their own.
But I can make this
one do for a while.
Oh... that reminds me.
Uh, from now on, everybody's
got to stay out of the parlor.
What did you say?
That's where I'm gonna
be entertaining my women.
Playing 'em my hi-fi stereo,
cooking 'em martinis
in the fireplace.
He's asking for it, Jed.
You think you
can afford all this?
I got $15 and my
last week's allowance.
I am ready!
And here it comes!
Ow!
Ow!
What's going on, boy?
Where's Granny?
She's probably chased
me clean into town by now,
but I doubled back on her.
Uncle Jed.
How do you like my
super-stereo hi-fi?
Super what?
Oh, us IPs just
call it "stereo."
That is, the 78%
of us that's got 'em.
You see, the idea is to
get romantic music coming
at your girl from two
different directions.
I was all set to
give it a listen test.
Hey, you be the girl.
Well, I don't hardly... Oh, hey.
Just pretend that
you're my date.
All full of roasted martinis,
warm and cuddly from the fire.
I'll just start these
two records to going.
You're gonna play two records?
Uncle Jed, that's stereo.
One for each ear.
You see?
When that romantic
music comes sliding in
at you from both sides
and meets in the middle,
that girl is a goner!
I don't think Granny...
Uncle Jed, hold on.
I'm gonna turn it on.
Here comes instant romance.
Aah.
I must've had a
wow in my woofer.
Boy, I think I'd forget it.
Even if you do get this
contraption to working,
Granny ain't gonna
leave you alone in here.
Oh, she don't
bother me, Uncle Jed.
Once I get my date inside,
I'll just shut them
doors over yonder.
He must have doubled
back on me, the ornery...
Aha!
We'll be as snug
as two bugs in...
Boy, I kind of think you'd best
give up the notion
of using the parlor.
Well, how about the kitchen?
I don't believe you'd
be safe there neither.
Well, where am I
gonna have my pad?
Well, if you're still around
when Granny gets on her feet,
a good place would be
the seat of your pants.
Where's my paddle?
Come back here, you playboy!
I'm gonna learn you manners,
so's you can sit at the table
like the rest of the family.
This here's what
you call a plate.
Oh, no.
You've been
watching Jethro again.
Hey, Elly, where's Granny?
Well, she's upstairs
laying down.
Got a powerful headache.
Come on, help me move my
stuff into my new bachelor pad.
Whereabouts is it?
- Parked out front.
- Parked?
Yeah, come on, I'll show you.
Stay here, Maybelle.
Yonder she is.
This is a bachelor pad?
The best kind.
With this rascal, I can
go where the action is.
What do you mean?
Well, I can park out in
front of the Kitty Kat Klub
and get them pretty girls
as they come out the door.
And if things get slow there,
I just drive on
down to the beach
and get me another load as
they come out of the water.
That thing's a mess!
Well, you couldn't get
a goat to go in there.
Well, I ain't got
it fixed up yet.
Wait till I move my stuff in.
- What stuff?
- My bachelor pad stuff.
Etchings on the walls,
super-stereo hi-fi,
soft lights for dancing,
table and chairs for
candlelight suppers,
big old sofa, fireplace.
Boy, it is gonna be something!
Come on, give me a hand!
Okay, Elly, I got
the stove connected.
You want me to start the fire?
No, no, I'll do that later.
Doggone, it just ain't got
the class of a fireplace.
Can I come out now?
No, no, let's check
things off first.
Vittles... I mean, cuisine.
Well, there's a box in
here with some ice in it
and some goat's
milk and turnip juice.
Is that what you call cuisine?
Well, that's all I could get
without Granny catching me.
How do you like it, Uncle Jed?
What is it?
It's what you call a
portable playboy parlor.
Where'd you get it?
The city dump.
What's all them bricks for?
Oh, I was gonna
build a fireplace in it,
but I couldn't wait
for the mortar to set.
Sounds like there's
somebody in there.
Come on out, Elly!
I'm coming.
Dumb old girl cousin.
Why didn't you use
the regular door?
Well, I couldn't get to it.
What do you mean
you couldn't get to it?
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Thank you.
Kind of full, ain't it?
Yeah, with a couple
of girls in there,
it's gonna be real snug.
Elly.
Granny's up.
Hey, I'm headed
for the Kitty Kat Klub.
Bye.
Hey, give me a little
shove to get me started!
Jed, there's some
furniture missing from...
What's that rig?
That's what Jethro calls
his portable playboy parlor.
Jed, mark my words.
That boy is gonna
get hisself into trouble.
Granny, he can't even
get hisself into the rig.
Jethro, I've only got
a ten-minute break.
Where are we going?
Come here, I want to
show you something.
What is it?
Paradise on wheels.
You got to see it to believe it.
Here it is.
Well, I see it, but
I don't believe it.
Oh, the paradise part is inside.
Well, what's all
this supposed to be?
Overflow.
It was a mite crowded in there.
What are you putting on?
What 78% of all
international playboys wears
at a time like this.
Come on in.
This has got to be a gag.
- Holy smoke.
- Ain't this a gas?
Quick as I can get to it,
I'm gonna turn on the hi-fi,
- and we'll dance.
- Don't bother.
I'm getting out of here.
Oh, no, not without
you giving me a kiss.
Forget it.
- Aw, come on.
- Let go!
Not till you put one right here.
Okeydoke.
Just for that, you ain't
getting invited back!
Jethro, my boy.
I'm not your boy, and here
are your old magazines back.
- My magazines?
- Swinger.
You said I could have
everything that was
in your garage,
and they was there.
Oh, yes, but I didn't...
I read 'em from cover to
cover, did just like they said,
and they got me into
nothing but trouble.
- What kind of trouble?
- Every kind.
I got whomped by Granny,
yelled at by Uncle Jed,
spent all of my money
fixing up a portable pad,
and the first Kitty
Kat I showed it to
uppercutted me
right through the roof!
- What?
- Now I ain't got no pad.
Ain't got no truck
neither 'cause I can't pay
for the parking over
to the Kitty Kat Klub.
Wait till Uncle Jed
hears about this!
Now, wait, we don't want
to bother our Uncle Jed.
Here, this will take
care of your parking.
Then come back here
and we'll talk further.
- Jethro!
- Howdy, Miss Jane.
I was counting on getting
me a couple of Kitty Kats,
and all I got was a sore
chin, a lump on my head,
and a busted roof.
And all my furniture
messed up, too.
Wait till Granny sees that.
Now, Jethro, don't go home.
Come back here to the bank.
Well, all right,
but if I was you,
I'd burn them Swinger magazines.
Swinger magazines?
Yeah, he-he stumbled onto a
stack of back issues somewhere.
In your garage perhaps?
Now, never mind.
Now, we've got to get
that corn-fed Casanova
back in a good mood.
I know.
Hire a couple of Kitty Kats
to make a fuss over him.
Me?
Well, how would it
look for a bank president
to walk into the Kitty Kat
Klub in the middle of the day?
Ask the doorman... you go
there for lunch twice a week.
Two Kitty Kats.
You're eating like Jethro again.
You're gonna have to learn
manners to eat at the table.
Now, Elly, I don't
believe I'd get
that critter's
hopes up too high.
It's all Granny can do to
abide Jethro at the table.
Did I hear somebody say
Jethro was at the table?
Well, no, ma'am,
Granny, just Maybelle.
I'm commencing to get
worried about the boy, Jed.
Why don't he come home?
There is nothing to worry about.
Jethro is just out looking for
a little female companionship.
Elly and me is females.
But you's kinfolks.
Well, Maybelle ain't kinfolks.
Yeah, well... Wh-Wh-Where
could he be, Jed?
Maybe we ought
to go look for him.
He's all right.
Every boy Jethro's age has got
to kick up his heels a mite.
I done it myself.
Not in a big wicked city.
City or country, boys
is boys and girls is girls,
and Jethro is just catching on
to what a fine
arrangement that is.
Uh, howdy, ma'am, I'm
an international playboy.
Yonder's my pad.
Would you care to step in
for a belt of cold goat's milk?
Aah!
Doggone it!
What's wrong?
Maybe I ought to give
my paradise on wheels
a coat of paint.
Well, hi there,
international playboy.
Well, howdy, Kitty Kat.
Would you care
to step into my pad
and lap up a saucer
of goat's milk?
I'd love it.
Hot dog, I got me a Kitty Kat.
Two Kitty Kats.
Oh, boy! Miss Jane?
Uh... here, Miss Jane, uh,
sit down and read a book
whilst I show her my pad.
No, thank you.
Two Kitty Kats you wanted.
Two Kitty Kats you've got.
Well, all right,
but it's gonna be
kind of a tight fit.
Miss Jane, I can't get to
the icebox for the goat's milk.
Who cares?
Well, you can look at my
etchings or listen to music.
You have music?
Super stereo hi-fi.
I got it plugged into the bank.
Marvelous! Let's hear it.
Okay, just let me
reach the switch.
Boy, that bores right
into your brain, don't it?
Quickly, let's get
back to the club.
What was that noise?
Hi-fi, but this
just ain't my day.
I'm gonna unplug
myself and go home.
Oh, no! Not home.
Not in this mood.
But I ain't having
no luck at all.
You reckon there'd be
any girls at the beach?
Oh, scads of them.
Bathing beauties.
Oh, that's the spot, the beach.
Okay, I'll give it a try.
Back to work, everybody!
This is a bank, not a sideshow!
Mr. Drysdale, isn't he the boy
whose uncle has $50 million?
Yeah.
What's it to you?
Do you work here?
I used to.
Boy, what a
miserable place this is.
Cold and wet.
Stove won't draw.
No electricity, no
company, no nothing.
Well, you ain't exactly
the kind of kitty cat
I was hoping for,
but you're welcome to
come inside and have
some goat's milk, quick
as all that smoke clears out.
- Howdy, ma'am.
- Hello.
Hey, wait a minute, hold on.
Yes.
Hold this cat.
I got some notes on what to say.
Oh, I used them
to light the fire.
Cold, ain't it?
Yes, it is.
It sure is.
Why don't you
put on your jacket?
Oh, what a good idea.
Thank you.
I bet it's warm in there.
But awful smoky.
It seems to be clear now.
Yeah, it is, ain't it?
Well, uh, would you like
to go inside and get warm?
Yeah. Will you
promise to wait for me?
I have an even better idea.
We can both go in.
Oh, yeah.
I should have thought
of that, but I'm kind of lost
without my notes.
Step into paradise.
Before I do...
your uncle does
have $50 million?
Yeah, I know.
Cozy, ain't it?
Yes, it is.
I'd play some music for you,
but ain't got no
electricity for my hi-fi.
We can make our own music.
Okay.
If I can find some tissue
paper for my comb.
- What do you play?
- Forget it.
Oh, would you care
for some goat's milk?
Have you got anything stronger?
Yeah!
I got some
home-squeezed turnip juice.
Swell, I'll have
mine on the rocks.
Well, it's awful cold out there.
Wouldn't you rather
have it in here?
You talked me into it.
Okay, whilst I'm working
my way into the icebox,
I'll cipher for you.
Two times one is two.
Two times two is four.
You're kidding.
Didn't you know that?
Boy, you are in for a treat.
Sit down.
Now, that brings
us up to the tens.
I'll need a set of
toes to cipher them.
How about yours?
You got your shoes off.
Listen. What's that noise?
Oh, that's just water.
Now, let's see. Where was I?
Oh, yeah.
Ten times one is
ten... The tide's in.
We're floating!
Hot dog!
I got me a yacht.
This is what you call class.
This is what you call nuts,
and I'm what you call leaving.
Hey, shut the door, will you?
We's going on over to Catalina.
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪