♪ Come and listen to my
story about a man named Jed ♪
♪ A poor mountaineer,
barely kept his family fed ♪
♪ And then one day, he
was sh**ting at some food ♪
♪ And up through the ground
come a-bubbling crude ♪
♪ Oil, that is ♪
♪ Black gold ♪
♪ Texas tea ♪
♪ Well, the first thing you
know, old Jed's a millionaire ♪
♪ The kinfolk said, "Jed,
move away from there" ♪
♪ Said, "Californy is the
place you ought to be" ♪
♪ So they loaded up the truck
and they moved to Beverly ♪
♪ Hills, that is ♪
♪ Swimming pools, movie stars. ♪
Look at that
piddling little pot.
I've been making my
spring tonic for 66 years,
and this is the teensiest
batch I ever whomped up.
Well, it ain't your
fault, Granny.
Aunt Pearl didn't send as
many roots, yarbs, and berries
- as she generally does.
- Yeah.
Well, it ain't
Pearl's fault neither.
They've had a long,
hard winter back home.
I know. She said
back to our cabin
the snow was three feet deep.
And even deeper outside.
Well, there's no use fussing
over what we can't help.
I'll go get some bottles,
and we'll commence
to cork up what we got.
Well, I'm all set
to take Granny's tonic
around the neighborhood.
Bessy gonna help you?
Elly May, will you
tell that ape of yours
to stop doing everything I do?
I get a wheelbarrow,
she gets a wheelbarrow.
I paint a sign,
she paints a sign!
Well, let's see
your sign, Bessy.
Dumb old animal.
Didn't even dot the Is.
Hey, Granny, you don't
want no hairy old monkey
toting your tonic around
the neighborhood, do you?
No, I don't, so get
back to your chores.
I'm talking about that monkey.
Neither one of you's
gonna tote my tonic,
'cause I ain't got
enough tonic to tote.
Now, git, both of you!
Copycat!
Shoo! Scat!
We ain't gonna have
more than enough
for just the family and
a few close friends, Elly.
Now, this bottle
is for Mr. Drysdale.
Granny, you sure you
want to tonic him again?
What do you mean?
Well, last year he
like to went wild.
Why, he grabbed his wife,
hugged her and kissed her,
and carried on
something scandalous.
I wondered why she asked me
for two bottles this year.
Oh, speaking of
married folks, Elly,
has that Hollywood movie
actor popped the question yet?
Oh, you mean Dash Riprock?
I don't mean Roscoe Ates.
Well, no, ma'am, Dash
ain't asked me to marry him.
Huh!
Who's this bottle for?
Never mind.
Elly May, your monkey's
whomping the tar
out of that little dog again.
Well, Jethro went
and got her mad.
I think what she's riled about
is the dog jumping
in her wheelbarrow.
Elly, go on outside.
Take my tonic skimmings
and put it around my geranium.
Yes'm, Granny.
Bessy, you pick on
somebody your own size!
Now, listen here, Arnie, you
stay out of Bessy's wheelbarrow,
or she's gonna
snatch you hairless.
She ain't none too fond
of you to commence with.
Nothing gets her riled
like you messing around
with her wheelbarrow.
You just stay out
of it, you hear?
Otherwise she might
put a knot on you
and then knock it off.
Come on, Bessy, let's
put these tonic skimmings
around Granny's geranium.
Granny, this may not be
the biggest batch of tonic
you ever made,
but it's a good'un.
I hope so. I'll know more
when I check my geranium.
What's the tonic
supposed to do for it?
Ha, does nothing
for the geranium...
but if a happy bunch of worms
come up out of the ground
and does this, I'll
know it's a good batch.
That's some bottle, I see.
Yeah, these two bottles
are for Mr. Drysdale.
Two this year?
Special request from his wife.
And this one is
for Dash Riprock.
I'll get that rascal
to propose to Elly
if it's the last
thing I ever do.
Now, hold on, Granny.
Elly ain't marrying
no boy that has to
be tonic'd to the altar.
Why not? Back home
my tonic saved many a girl
from being an old maid.
Elly ain't no old maid.
Jed, when are you gonna
get it through your head,
when a girl passes
14 she's a old maid,
after 16 she's a spinster,
and when she
passes 18... forget it.
That may be back in the
country, but here in Californy
I hear tell of girls
getting married
as late as 19 or 20.
Jed, you old apple-knocker.
You gonna swaller
a story like that?
Never mind what I
swaller... You just see to it
that Dash Riprock don't
swaller none of that tonic.
But wh-what can I do?
She ain't gonna get
him with her cooking.
You won't let me draw
down on him with a 12-gauge.
What else is there?
Love.
- Love?
- Love.
If and when Dash
Riprock proposes to Elly,
it'll be on account of love,
and that's my final word.
All right, Jed,
whatever you say.
- You're the boss.
- Good.
I'll take these two bottles
over to Mr. Drysdale.
Fine.
It'll be for love.
Dash is gonna love my tonic.
♪♪
Oh! I'm glad
you're here, Jethro.
I want you to give me a
ride to Mr. Drysdale's bank.
Okay, Granny.
Not in the wheelbarrow,
you knucklehead!
On that truck!
Get me out of here!
What's going on
here?! What is this?
Why, haven't you heard?
Miss Hathaway is
engaged to be married.
- Oh!
- What?!
Now, Miss Murray, I'm
not officially engaged.
I've only received a proposal.
Out! Out! Back
to work, all of you!
And no coffee
break this morning!
Who proposed?
None other than the
esteemed founder
of Biddle's Bird-Watchers,
Professor P. Caspar
Biddle himself.
Is this nut back in town?
Chief!
Well, I thought he lived up
in the Tehachapi Mountains
- with those condors.
- He does.
Consequently our
only communication
is by carrier pigeon.
This morning, as I
was having breakfast,
this winged messenger of
love lit upon my windowsill
with a brief but
thrilling communiqué
attached to her tiny leg.
He proposed by pigeon?
Yes, and bird lover that he
is, he couched his proposal
in the language
of the ornithologist.
He asked me to be the
mother of his nestling.
Miss Hathaway, you
wouldn't really marry
that birdbrain, would you?
Whether or not I
accept his proposal,
I must ask you to
show the respect due
the Commander in Chief
of Biddle's Bird-Watchers,
of which I have the
honor to be Flockmaster
of the Beverly Hills Nest.
- Okay, okay.
- W-Why, his work
on the preservation
of the condor...
Commander Biddle.
Stand at ease,
Flockmaster Hathaway.
You're not in uniform.
- Mr. Drysdale.
- Hi.
You received my message?
- Yes, but how did you get here so quickly?
- Helicopter.
This is an errand of
the utmost urgency.
Oh, really, Profe...
What is your answer?
Well, I-I need time to think.
There's no time. Say yes.
Quickly, please. I need you.
Oh, p-please, you're
sweeping me off my feet.
This is unfair.
- Yeah.
- I like it. Do you mind?
I'm sure this will
help you decide.
It's a condor egg...
which the mother
was forced to abandon.
Oh, th-this is a magnificent
gift, Professor, but...
It's not a gift. I
want you to hatch it.
Hatch it?
This is the nestling you
asked her to mother?
Yes.
Oh, fine.
Well, you seem the ideal person.
You're a bird lover.
You sit here all day.
You expect me t-to
sit on th-this egg?!
Oh, no, no, of course not.
I'm going out now and
get you a small incubator.
Just keep the egg warm.
- Hold on, Diddle.
- Biddle.
Biddle, Schmiddle.
He's not hatching
any buzzards in my bank.
Well, it's the little
professor. How are you?
I'm in a terrible hurry,
Granny, matter of life and death.
I'll be right back.
Mr. Drysdale, I want
to talk to you alone.
Yes, Granny.
Where'd you get
the egg, Miss Jane?
Hmm? Oh, uh, Professor
Biddle brought it to me.
I'd sure like to get a
look at his chickens.
By doggies, Elly, when
you put on a dress,
you are purtier than a
Jersey heifer in a clover patch.
Thank you, Pa.
Where you going all gussied up?
Well, no place.
Granny said to fix up
for when Dash Riprock
comes by to propose.
Granny said Dash
was gonna propose?
Well, yes, sir. Said I ain't
gonna be an old maid no more.
Elly, honey... you
ain't a old maid.
Well, Granny says I am.
A old maid, a spinster,
pert near to "forget it!"
Did she say anything
about her tonic?
No, sir. It's still in
the kittle on the stove.
I forgot my cookies!
- Are you baking cookies again?
- Yes, sir, for Dash.
The last batch I
made him disappeared.
But, uh, Elly... ♪♪
Bessy Clampett.
Get out of Granny's tonic.
She's gonna skin you alive.
Let's see, Elly.
Aw, I'm afraid we's too late.
These cookies is burnt
brown and hard as rocks.
Well, I ain't put
'em in the oven yet.
- You rang, Chief?
- You bet I rang.
Granny has told me of a
shocking and disgraceful situation
which must be
remedied immediately,
or there will be swift
and severe retaliation.
Yeah, well... Did
I tell you that?
Yes. You said that Dash Riprock
has been playing fast
and loose with Elly May.
Oh, that, yeah.
He's had five dates with her.
Twiced he kept her
out till pert near 9:00,
and still no ring on her finger.
Shocking. Disgraceful.
Well, I'm terribly sorry,
but what can I do?
See that he swallows this.
- Yeah, see to it.
- What is it?
My spring tonic.
Her spring tonic.
And if he's got one
spark of love in his heart,
that'll set it to blazing.
Marvelous stuff. Fabulous.
It sure put a tiger in
your t*nk last spring.
Yes, didn't it, though?
Well, I grabbed my wife...
None for me this year, Granny.
You should have said so.
I already left two
bottles at your house.
You mean Margaret
already... got them?
I reckon so.
Back home my spring tonic
has done more for romance
than hayrides.
Yes, I know it possesses some
rather remarkable properties.
Uh, tell me, Granny, do you
have an extra Biddle... uh, bottle?
I'm afraid not.
She can have mine.
Your wife has likely
downed both bottles by now,
and probably hollering for more.
I may have to go out
of town on business.
Well, first, I want to talk to
you about Elly's wedding.
Now, we want the best
that money can buy.
You can hire a
five-dollar preacher.
Oh, Commander Biddle, I
see you found an incubator.
Flockmaster Hathaway,
if you were in uniform,
I would strip you of rank
and empty your canteen!
Bu-Bu-Bu... Bu-But why?
The charge is child neglect!
Another three minutes,
and that precious condor
egg would have been cold.
Then the charge would
have been... Don't.
I'm beginning to wonder
if you can be trusted
to hatch this nestling.
Oh, y-y-y-yes, I can.
It's just that I have other
duties, and my employer cli...
Nothing supersedes your
sacred duties as a mother!
Perhaps the Flockmaster of
the Glendale Nest would be...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, please gi-give
me another chance.
I promise to watch
the egg devotedly.
- Forsaking all others?
- Yes.
- In sickness and in health?
- Yes.
- For better or for worse?
- Oh, yes.
- You know...
- Oh, excuse me.
I thought I heard a wedding.
Merely Miss Hathaway
vowing to be a good mother.
Then it's definite.
Y-Yes, yes, it's-it's all set.
She knows.
Congratulations to you both.
When is the big event?
Well, any time now.
A condor egg usually...
Uh, M-M-Miss Murray, perhaps
you could get the professor...
P-P. Caspar, a cup of coffee.
- No, thanks.
- Uh, tea?
I never partake of
stimulants in any form.
Pure mountain spring water
is Mother Nature's champagne.
Oh, I-let me fill
your-your canteen.
But it...
We have pure spring
water in our cooler.
Be right back.
Oh, Miss Hathaway,
I'm so happy for you.
Well, we're keeping it a secret.
You must promise
not to tell anyone.
Not a soul.
Is this right?
Is it decent? Is it honorable?
No.
I never realized the pangs
of expectant fatherhood.
I'm as nervous
as a gilded flicker.
Here, Commander.
Have a deep soothing
draft of spring tonic.
Uh, water, nature's champagne.
Thank you.
To that unborn king of the sky.
Bottoms up.
You don't have any.
I drank my fill at the cooler.
To the condor!
Long live the king!
May he reign forever.
Supremus Caelorum Imperator.
Flockmaster Hathaway.
Yes.
Did I ever tell you
that you look
remarkably like a condor?
That's the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me.
I can believe that.
I mean, after all,
what is more beautiful than
a Gymnogyps californianus?
Hear! Hear!
Miss Jane, is Granny...?
Oh, howdy there,
Professor Biddle.
Elly May, sweet
lovely child of nature
who calls the crested
jay from his perch
and tames the wild
Corvus brachyrhynchos...
You were saying, Commander?
Yes, I was saying...
What was I saying?
I got to rush home.
My tonic is commencing
to eat through my kettle.
Bye, y'all. Nice to see
you again, Professor.
Wait for me.
I'm going with them.
You are not!
But I want to watch Elly
charm the birds from the trees.
I think I'm in love with her.
Caspar, how can
you be so fickle?
I thought you cared for me.
Are you going to tell me now
that I'm just
another pretty face?
Well, no.
Think of the baby condor who
will soon occupy that incubator.
Are you going to desert him?
I can't help it.
All of a sudden I want
to fly like an eagle.
Be my guest.
Now see what you've done!
Oh, thank goodness
they got away.
Don't stop here! Drive
me around to the kitchen!
I got to save my tonic!
Yes'm, Granny.
That kettle story got her
home in a hurry, didn't it?
Sure did.
Oh, uh, you got company.
Dash Riprock?
No, that little bird-watching
feller, Professor Biddle.
Well, we just saw
him down to the bank.
How'd he get here so fast?
Well, he was running
when I seen him.
- Anyway, he's waiting for you.
- In the parlor?
No. No, he's sitting up yonder
drinking out of his
canteen, whistling like a bird.
How did he get up there?
Elly May, you
should have seen it.
He ran up that tree
just like a squirrel.
If I didn't know better,
I'd swear that little
rascal had been tonic'd.
Come on, Jethro, tote him in!
You reckon he's
gonna be all right?
Oh, sure, I checked him over.
Just had the wind
knocked out of him.
I don't wonder.
He must have dropped
30 foot out of that tree.
Good thing you fell in a
doctor's yard, Professor.
I don't think he can talk yet.
Well, put him on the
sofa in the parlor here.
I'll fetch something
to bring him around.
Jed Clampett speaking.
Oh, howdy, Miss Jane.
No, he's here, just
fell out of the tree.
Oh, Granny's got him
in hand. Her and Elly.
Elly? Mr. Clampett, don't leave
the professor alone with her.
He's under the influence
of Granny's tonic.
I-I'll get there as
quickly as I can.
How you feeling, Professor?
Oh, he's coming
along just fine...
Elly May, you better
go fetch Granny.
I think the professor's
a mite feverish.
Well, well, yes, sir, Pa.
Oh, no, I'm fine now,
but how did I get here?
Last I remember,
I was at the bank.
Well, uh...
Incidentally, I can highly
recommend their water.
Good. Now, I just
talked to Miss Hathaway.
She'll be right over.
But she mustn't desert
our unborn king of the sky.
What?
Flockmaster Hathaway is
hatching a condor egg for me.
Professor, I think you'd
better lay back down.
Here you are, Professor.
A little of my spring tonic'll
have you feeling
sprightly again.
- Hold on, Granny.
- Oh, it's all right, Jed.
I cut it for city folks, and I
cut it some more for him.
All the same, I don't
think he ought to have any.
- Who's the doctor here... You or me?
- You, but...
Thanks, just the same, Granny,
but I never partake of
stimulants in any form.
Pure spring water
is all I ever drink.
Professor, would you like one
of my home-baked cookies?
Yes.
- No!
- No!
That's two to one. Excuse me.
Girls, I got to talk to you.
Nature's champagne.
Please let me go get him, Chief.
I can't do it. I'm leaving town.
But I don't dare leave
him up there with Elly.
He's been tonic'ed!
So has my wife. That's
why I'm leaving town.
Matter of fact, Ravenswood
is packing for me right now.
Miss Murray can take over.
It-It's terribly
important to me.
Miss Hathaway, I can't believe
that you really want to marry
that overaged Cub Scout.
Well, I'm not at
all sure that I do,
but I still want him to ask me.
Why?
Well, I've never had
the chance to say yes.
I'd at least like the
chance to say no.
- All right, go get him.
- Thank you, Chief.
W-Would you like me
to stop at your house
and bring your bag along?
Of course not! She's
the reason I'm leaving...
Oh, you mean... Oh, yes.
Uncle Jed.
Hey, Uncle Jed,
that little professor
shimmied up that tree again.
Uh-oh, he must have got
a hold of some more tonic.
Well, don't look at me.
I didn't give him any.
I'll climb up and
fetch him down, Pa.
No, Elly, you stay
away from him.
Heck fire, I'll get him
down out of that tree.
Oh, hold it, boy.
Them high limbs
up where he's sitting
wouldn't hold the
likes of you or me.
Oh, I wasn't figuring
to climb up after him.
I'll just knock him
down out of there
with one of Elly's cookies.
You won't neither.
Well, they sure ain't
any good for eating.
Now, quiet down, everybody.
I'll go up and get him.
No, Granny, you're too old.
A 30-foot fall at your age...
You could be stove-up
for a whole day.
What'll we do?
We'll figure something.
Commander Biddle!
Flockmaster Hathaway,
have I ever told you
you look remarkably
like a condor?
Be careful!
Think of your responsibility!
If you fall, that egg
won't have a father!
Howdy, Miss Jane.
I reckon you seen him.
Yes. How did he get up there?
Granny's tonic.
Have you got any more?
Yeah, I got a few...
Why'd you do that?
I'm going up after him.
Have you seen Miss Hathaway?
Not for a couple of hours.
Her and the little bird-watching
professor left here together.
She was supposed
to pick up my luggage!
I tried to sneak out
of the house just now,
and my wife almost caught me.
Why are you running
from your wife?
Why am I running from
my wife? Because...
Why am I running from my wife?
I love that little woman.
Greetings, dear friends.
Congratulations are in order.
Did you two get married?
No, but the
professor did propose.
She turned me down.
Then, what's the
congratulations for?
- May I tell?
- Of course.
We have just become
the proud foster parents
of a seven-pound condor.
Come, P. Caspar. We must
make arrangements for a sitter.
Ta!
Hey, you want to see
something you won't believe?
- We just seen it.
- Not this you ain't.
Elly's chicken is playing
the monkey's piano.
She must have got into my tonic.
Granny, I just
checked your geranium.
Don't tell me the worms is...
They's doing like this.
Well, Granny, just like I said,
this may not be the biggest
batch you ever made,
but it's a good'un.
♪ Well, now it's time
to say good-bye ♪
♪ To Jed and all his kin ♪
♪ And they would
like to thank you folks ♪
♪ Fer kindly droppin' in ♪
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality ♪
♪ To have a heapin'
helpin' of their hospitality ♪
♪ Hillbilly, that is ♪
♪ Set a spell ♪
♪ Take your shoes off ♪
♪ Y'all come back now, y'hear? ♪