06x08 - The Play's the Thing

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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A widower enlists help to raise his three daughters..
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06x08 - The Play's the Thing

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪♪♪]

Michelle, haven't you
ever heard of privacy?

I heard of it. But I
don't believe in it.

Hey, uh, Michelle,

how would you like
a shiny new quarter?

Huh? Thanks.

You can have it if you go
upstairs and leave us alone.

Nah, this is more interesting.

Don't mind me. Kiss, kiss.

[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪

♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪

♪ Evenin' TV? ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪

♪ A hand to hold on to ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ There's a face ♪

♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪

♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪

♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪

[♪♪♪]

Okay, Jess. I got a great
new bit for the radio show:

Pets who sound
like their masters.

Loving it, loving it.
What do you got?

I got, um, Popeye's dog.

[IMITATES POPEYE]
Bow. Bow-wow. Bow-wow.

Bark, bark.

[IMITATES POPEYE'S LAUGH]

Bark.

Wait a second. I got
one for you guys, okay?

This is Murray
Fliegelman's canary, okay?

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Hey,
how about some birdseed, Murray?

If you knew Murray, you'd
be crackin' up right now.

Hi.

Hi, girls.

What a day.

Fried baloney in
the lunchroom again?

I wish.

Aw, sweetheart,
I'll tell you what.

Why don't I take you down
to Johnson's Hardware,

and you can tell your
Dad your problems

while you're riding on
Quacky the mechanical duck.

Quacky?

Dad, I'm in first grade.

I would look silly on
a mechanical duck.

Dad, she's bummed because

they're gonna cancel
the first-grade play.

And I was gonna be
the choreographer.

Oh, that's a shame.

Our only hope is to find a
parent volunteer to direct it.

Guys, please don't worry.

I'm a parent. I volunteer.

All right, Danny.
Well, you b*at us to it.

Yeah. You are so, so lucky.

I mean, I only wish
it was Joey and I,

taming a stage full
of adorable little tykes.

Thanks, Dad, but rehearsals
are every morning at 10.

That's when you do your show.

And it's the only time
we have the auditorium.

That means I can't do it.

Oh, boys,

I guess your wish is
going to come true.

Oh, goody.

Ah, come on, Jess. We
can't let the kids down.

It'll be fun. All right.

Okay, Michelle. All
right, what's the play?

America the Beautiful.

It's about America.

Hey, Jess, do you have
any time to watch the boys

while I run to the store?

By the time I get
'em in the cart,

there's no room for groceries.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart,
but we have to go to work.

We're on the air in 20 minutes.

Hey, it's okay, I'll
watch the guys for you.

That would be
great. Thanks, Danny.

Bye, boys. Give Daddy a kiss.

Say, "Bye, Daddy."
Give me a kiss.

Bye, Daddy.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Bye, honey. Have a good day.

See you later. Bye, boys.

Bye-bye, Daddy. Bye.

Bye. Bye-bye.

All right, you guys, now Uncle
Danny's gonna watch you,

so be good for him,
okay? Thanks, Danny.

You got it. No problem.
Ooh, I got you. Okay

You boys want to ride
Quacky the mechanical duck?

Huh? You got any
quarters? I'm all out.

What's a duck say?
What's a duck say?

BOTH: Quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack?

Let's go ride Quacky.

Hi. Hi.

Guess what. I'm going to
be in America the Beautiful.

Do you wanna come?

We'd love to.

We would? Of course we would.

It's the cutest, sweetest,
most adorable little play.

You know, I was Yankee Doodle
when I was in the first grade.

So was I.

Both of you? I gotta
be Yankee Doodle.

Okay, you're gonna
have to work for it.

Are you ready
for that, Michelle?

I guess so.

I can't hear you.

I guess so.

Good. Okay, let's march.

Now move.

March. March. March.

I think I'm gonna like this job.

And march. And a-one...

[♪♪♪]

Nicky, Alex.

Mommy's home.

I've got a surprise for you.

DANNY: We're in here, Becky.

Surprise. Hey.

Choo-choo. All aboard for
The Nicky and Alex Express.

[DANNY CHUCKLING]

We made a little
run to the toy store.

Did you know these
boys love trains?

Yeah, they do.

We are having so much fun.

Well, that's great.

I'll just put these
away for later.

When you boys are older,

I'm sure you'll appreciate
the fine craftsmanship.

You do whatever
you want, I got 'em.

DANNY: Choo-choo.

Go through the tunnel.

Choo-choo.

Whoo.

[GIGGLING]

[♪♪♪]

STEPHANIE: Okay, Michelle,

let's try the song again.

One question: You know the part

where Yankee Doodle
sticks the feather in his hat

and calls it macaroni?

Yeah. What about it?

Is he calling the
hat macaroni...

or the feather?

The feather.

Well, then what
does he call his hat?

I don't know, Michelle.

He must call it something.

Bob. He calls it Bob.

Should I sing, "stuck
a feather in his bob"?

Just sing it the way
you learned it, huh?

Girls, it's kind
of late, isn't it?

Hey, you don't become Yankee
Doodle by turning in early.

Show 'em what you got, Michelle.

Okay.

♪ Yankee Doodle Went to town ♪

♪ Riding on a pony ♪

♪ Stuck a feather In his hat ♪

♪ And called it macaroni ♪

All right. Wow.
Very good, Michelle.

That was terrific.

Maybe not quite what
my Doodle was, but...

I think it's safe to say

the Tanner tradition
will continue.

Well, it looks like
we found our star.

Yay. I'm gonna be Yankee Doodle.

That's right.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, kids, I'm Miss Tanner,
your choreographer. Now,

this is Joey Gladstone

and Jesse Katsopolis.

I've asked them to direct.

Now, you're gonna work,

and you're gonna sweat.

And when I say, "Jump,"
you're gonna say, "How high?"

BOTH: Okay, Steph, Steph.

You know, your sister's
getting on my last nerve.

Try living with her.

Okay, kids, uh, basically,

we're here to have a good time.

That's right. We're
gonna sing, dance,

and put on a terrific show.

So far we're just sitting here.

Aaron, my man.

So they let you out
of kindergarten, huh?

You still don't have a job.

He has a good job.

Hey, now, Michelle, we don't
need to defend ourselves to him.

I have my own radio
show. What do you do?

[CHUCKLES] Okay.

Let's start the
audition, shall we?

All right. Here we go.

♪ Yankee Doodle Went to town ♪

♪ Riding on a pony ♪

[SHOUTING] ♪ Stuck
a feather in his hat ♪

♪ And... ♪

Ugh.

♪ Yankee Doodle Keep it up ♪

♪ Mind the music And the steps ♪

♪ And with the girls Be handy ♪

I never liked this song.

Okay, a-a-all right, quiet,
quiet. We're not finished yet.

Now, the part of George
Washington goes to...

Aaron Bailey.

Do I have the biggest part?

No, but you have
the biggest mouth.

And Denise Frazer will play
his wife, Martha Washington.

BOTH: Ewww!

And now for the part
of Yankee Doodle.

That's going to be you.

Yes, son?

Excuse me,

but I didn't get a
chance to try out.

Oh, sorry, we didn't
see you back there.

Oh, that's okay, I tend to
blend in with my surroundings.

Take center stage here,

and we'll do a song.

Key of E, please.

All right, the key of E.

♪ Yankee Doodle Went to town ♪

♪ Riding on a pony ♪

♪ Stuck a feather In his hat ♪

♪ And called it Macaroni ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle, Keep it up ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle dandy ♪

♪ Mind the music And the steps ♪

♪ And with The girls ♪

♪ Be handy ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

That boy was good.

JESSE: Congratulations.

[ALL CHATTERING]

JESSE: Where'd you
learn to sing like that, huh?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

So do you guys like
Uncle Danny's raisin bread?

Well, you like the raisin part.

Thank you.

Hey, Danny?

Yeah?

Did you wake the
boys up from their nap?

Oh, yeah, you know what,
I was checking on 'em,

and I could hear their tummies
growling from outside the door,

so I made 'em some of
my special raisin bread.

They're gonna need their energy

'cause I am taking
these guys to the park.

Could you do me a favor
and get their jackets?

Okay, sure.

Be right back.

Thanks.

Hey, Michelle.

How's the star of
the school play?

Why don't you go to
his house and ask him?

What happened?

Uncle Jesse and Joey
picked somebody else.

What?

Well, Michelle was great,

but this other kid
Derek was greater.

I'm sorry to get you
excited about it, Michelle,

but we have to be fair.

Why?

Well, Michelle, if somebody
really was better than you,

then you have to think
that Joey and Uncle Jesse

made the right choice,
and you just gotta accept it.

Listen, Michelle.
We put our heads

together and we came
up with a great part for you.

You're on stage the whole time,

you're the center of everything.

I'm listening.

And one, two, one,
two, one, two, one, two,

keep in step,
people. One, two...

Haven't you ever heard of three?

Okay, everybody.

Apparently, we're gonna
have to go right back

to the basics of dancing. Now,

this is a foot.

Okay, time out. Let's take
a break from the dancing.

Take it from George
Washington's line,

"A proud symbol."

A proud symbol
welcomes all to our country

and reminds us that we are free.

Michelle,

you have a line, "I
am Lady Liberty..."

I am Lady Liberty.

I should've been Yankee Doodle.

All right, take five, kids.

STEPHANIE: Okay,
everybody, over here.

All right, what's
the matter, shorty?

My arm is getting bored.

I don't wanna be
the Statue of Liberty.

Hey, Jess, can't we write her

a little song and dance
number or something?

We can't spoil her, she's got
to learn to be a team player.

And, sweetheart, listen, if you
don't want to be Lady Liberty,

then I suggest maybe
you go sit down and watch

the other kids rehearse, okay?

Fine.

JESSE: All right, come on,
g*ng, we've got a show to do.

STEPHANIE: Okay, everybody,
back in places. Places, please.

Places. [PIANO PLAYING]

And one, two, one, two, one, two

one, two, keep those
knees high, people.

Hey, let's catch
a movie tonight.

Great.

I'm in the mood
for something deep.

How 'bout... Ernest
Goes to Mars?

Kimmy, Steve and I
don't wanna see that.

Well, how do you know?

You wanna see that?


I don't know. I
wanna think about it.

Okay, think about it.

Well, I can't think while
you're watching me.

What's your problem?

It's just that you shouldn't
be making decisions for me.

Why not?

Sure beats the heck out
of thinking for yourself.

I do not make decisions for you.

Yes, you do. Like the
other day, you told Michelle

we'd go to her play without
even asking me if I wanted to.

Do you want to?

Well, actually, no.

You have to.

Hey, I don't have
to do anything.

Fine, forget the play.

Well, fine, I will.

Fine. Fine.

Well, you sure showed him.

Is he still gonna
drive us to the movie?

[IMITATING PIRATE] ♪ Sixteen
men On a dead man's chest ♪

♪ Yo-ho-ho And a bottle of rum ♪

[CHUCKLES]

Danny?

Come in.

[NORMAL VOICE] I mean, come in.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, Becky, it's
okay, I'm got a suit on.

Nicky and Alex and I were
just finishing their bath.

Well, Danny, I was
gonna give them their bath.

Oh, hey, I don't
mind. It's no problem.

Danny, actually,
it is a problem.

The last couple of days,

every time I've gone to
do something with the boys,

you've already done it.

And I know that you
only want to help,

but my time with
them is really precious.

I mean they're only
this age for so long.

Don't I know it.

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry, Becky.

I guess when Michelle told me

that she was too
old to ride Quacky,

I realized my last little
duck-rider had left the pond.

Oh, Danny.

I miss having babies around.

So, what I've
been thinking is, uh,

can I have one of yours?

Danny.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Look, I'm sorry. I'll
stay out of your way.

Oh, no, you're not in the way.

Look, the boys
love being with you.

Bubboo.

Bubboo. Yeah, Uncle Danny's fun.

You know what we can do?

We'll set aside some
special Uncle Danny time,

so you guys can be together.

Really?

Yeah.

How's that sound, guys, huh?

You like that idea?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Thanks, Becky.

Yes, yes, Mommy
will get it. Oh, oh, oh.

Hi, peanut.

Oh, I get it.

You're not talking to us.

Michelle, are you
not talking to us?

Yeah, she's not talking to us.

All right, all that
are, uh, ticked off

at Uncle Jesse
and Joey say "aye."

Aye.

You tricked me.

Ah, I get it, Michelle, uh,

you think we're being
unfair, don't you?

Right.

Well, we think
you're being unfair.

Michelle, everyone in that
play is working very hard.

Now, if we don't have
a Statue of Liberty,

you're letting the others
down. Is that what you want?

No, I wanna be Yankee Doodle,

'cause Stephanie and
D.J. were Yankee Doodle,

and I wanna be
Yankee Doodle too.

Well, Michelle, you don't
always get what you want in life.

Hey, when I was a little boy, I
wanted to be Fred Flintstone,

but, heck, I had too many toes.

Excuse me, Michelle.

Now, Michelle, this
whole thing, it's...

It's like being in a band.

I mean, not everyone
could be the lead singer.

You are.

Yes, but I'm no more
important than the bass player...

what's-his-name...
What's his name?

Kid with the long, curly hair.
Larry or Lenny or something.

Michelle, excuse me.

What Jesse isn't
quite saying is,

you're part of a team, and
everyone has to do their share.

That's right, and,
uh, my band wouldn't

sound as good without, uh...

What's the kid's name?
What is his name?

The long-haired guy.

The point is, Michelle, a lot
of people are counting on you.

That's right.

So we want you to go out
there, and we want you to be

the best Statue of Liberty
you can be. Capisce?

Capisce, and his name is Lanny.

Lanny!

[♪♪♪]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

Steve, you came.

Yeah. I-I'm sorry I
got mad the other day.

No, it was my fault.

Let's never fight again.

[SIGHS]

I've never felt closer to
you than I do right now.

Neither have I.

Steve, I'll never
make another decision

without asking you first.

Uh, switch seats with my dad.

If it's okay with you.

Yeah, it's fine.

[PIANO PLAYING FUN MELODY]

[APPLAUSE]

Okay, you're on. You're on.

Greetings, fellow Americans.

I am the father of our country.

My name is Aaron Bailey.

[WHISPERS] George
Washington, George Washington.

Oh, yeah, my name
is George Washington,

and here comes my wife Bertha.

[WHISPERS] Martha. Martha.

Martha.

[GIGGLING]

Here, psst, psst, psst.

I think it's going pretty well.

Goodbye, Paul Revere.

Thanks for the warning.

Look, here comes that
Yankee Doodle boy.

[PIANO PLAYING "YANKEE DOODLE"]

I said, "Look, here comes
that Yankee Doodle boy."

Excuse me.

Hold this, Abe.

Just be a moment.

Talk amongst yourselves.

What's going on here?
It's time for the big finale.

He's frozen. The show's
over. It's a total choke-job!

Steph, you're not helping, okay?

Hey, Derek, come on, you're
gonna be great out there.

No. I can't do this.

Let me talk to him.

Derek, do you know how long
I've been holding up my arm?

Michelle, I'm too
scared to go out there.

You be Yankee
Doodle. You're good.

Yes, that's true...
but you're great.

Right now I'm sick.

But we're all on the
same team. We need you.

You do?

Totally.

Now, go out there and be the
best Yankee Doodle you can be.

[♪♪♪]

Okay, here I go.

You're not moving.

Give me a push.

All right, munchkin.

I'm proud of you.

Now let's move it, people.

We've got a show to do.

All right.

Okay, Michelle. Okay.

Show time.

[APPLAUSE]

Now, as I was saying,

look, here comes that
Yankee Doodle boy.

♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle Do or die ♪

♪ A real live nephew ♪

♪ Of my Uncle Sam ♪

♪ Born on The Fourth of July ♪

♪ I've got a Yankee
Doodle Sweetheart ♪

♪ She's My Yankee Doodle joy ♪

♪ Let's go Miss Liberty ♪

BOTH: ♪ Yankee
Doodle Went to town ♪

♪ Riding on a pony ♪

♪ I am ♪

♪ That Yankee Doodle ♪

♪ Boyyyyy ♪

[CHEERING & APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪

♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
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