[♪♪♪]
[JESSE & JOEY GROWLING]
[NICK & ALEX LAUGHING]
All right, okay.
All right, Nick, get ready.
I'm gonna hike
it to you, brotha.
Okay, here we go.
Twenty-four, 17 and hike.
Take it. Throw it to
your brother. Throw it.
All right.
Yay. Here we go.
Here we go. Here we go.
He's trying to run.
He's trying to run.
Hey, look, Elvis in
an ice cream truck.
It's the 30. He's at the 20.
He's at the 10. He's at the 10.
Touchdown!
Yay!
Hey, don't spike him.
Oh, okay.
[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪
♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV? ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I got it.
Hello.
Hi. Is Stephanie
here? I'm Jennifer.
And I'm Jennifer too.
Not the number 2, but also.
Oh, well, hi,
Jennifer, Jennifer.
Stephanie's in her room, room.
Oh, look, Jennifer.
What cute little girls.
Ho, ho, ho. Ow, ow, ow, ow.
They're not girls. They
are boys, future men.
No way! No way!
Yes, way.
Honey, I think it's time
our little linebackers
got a haircut.
Sweetheart, please, don't
say the "h" word around them.
They'll kick, they scream.
Jess, that's you.
Oh, yeah.
Well, my Uncle Jasper's
been cutting kids' hair for years.
He's got the cutest little shop.
You can either sit in a
dolphin or a rocket ship.
Aw, did he cut your hair
when you were a kid?
Actually, he cut
my hair last week.
Nobody's touching a
hair on my kids' heads.
Oh, honey, just a trim.
They're starting to
look like sheepdogs.
All right, we'll give
them a little trim,
but I'm gonna do it myself.
Fine.
Where are you going?
Well, if you're
giving them haircuts,
I'm going to go buy them hats.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Jennifer, Jennifer.
What are you doing here?
We thought we'd stop by.
We were on our way
to Jennifer's house.
Not this Jennifer,
the other one.
Great. Welcome.
So, uh, what's going on?
Stephanie, we're
playing tea party.
Tea party? Tea party?
She must be running a fever.
Ooh, she's burning up.
I'll be right back. I
have to pack her in ice.
I don't feel sick.
Of course you're not sick.
I just need some privacy.
If the Jennifers like me,
I'll get to sit at the
cafeteria power table.
Big wow.
Look, these are the
coolest girls in fifth grade.
Just stay out.
Excuse the interruption.
They don't look so cool.
That fever. She's delirious.
Michelle, I am begging
you, just stay out.
It's my room too.
Look, go away
now, and I promise,
the next time I do something
really, really important,
you can stay. Deal?
Deal.
Who can I bother?
D.J.!
Hey, guys, what do you
think of my new sunglasses?
Those are totally out of style.
And that's why I don't
wear them anymore.
So did you see
Arsenio last night?
I was asleep.
I mean, I fell asleep
from barking so much.
Woo, woo, woo, woo!
Well, I wasn't watching, either.
I was shaving my legs.
Me too.
No way! No way!
I was gonna shave
my legs, but, uh...
I like a little stubble. It
helps keep my socks up.
So, uh... wanna see
my new earrings?
They're really funky.
Those are clip-ons.
They all are.
We always thought
you had pierced ears.
Well, I wear clip-ons that
look like pierced earrings.
No way. No way.
Clip-ons are so... second grade.
I know. That's
why I'm definitely
getting my ears pierced
at the mall this weekend.
Oh, really? Well, we're gonna
be at the mall this weekend too.
No way!
Rules.
[KNOCKS]
Enter.
D.J., will you take
me down to the mall?
I have to get my ears pierced.
I can't. You need
a parent. Ask Dad.
Dad? He wouldn't even
let me put holes in my jeans.
What's the big deal about
getting your ears pierced?
My dad did it to try to be hip,
but he just looked like
a pirate accountant.
Thanks. You're a comfort.
Hey, I do my best.
D.J., I gotta go to
wrestling practice.
Whoa, wait a minute.
I'm the team towel girl.
Nobody notified me
there was a practice.
Well, haven't you heard?
You've been suspended
for sweat-mopping dry wrestlers.
Again?
Come on, Steve.
I'll walk you out.
You know, squirt,
I can pierce your ears for you.
You can?
My brother Garth works
at the Piercing Palace.
I can have him
bring home the g*n.
g*n? What g*n?
An ear g*n.
There's nothing to it.
I've seen my brother
do it 100 times.
It's easy. You just put
the g*n to your earlobe,
and pow!
[CHUCKLES]
Like I might let you
near me with a w*apon.
Your parents don't
even let you use a fork.
Suit yourself, clip-on queen.
All right, boys, all cleaned up,
and we are ready
for your haircut.
Scissors. Scissors.
Comb.
Comb.
And away we go.
All right, boys,
the hair follicle
seems to be heading due south.
So we cut to the east to
balance out the two hemispheres.
Jesse, are you giving haircuts
or finding a shorter
route to the Indies?
Danny, this is very
important business here.
It's very critical.
You cut against the
grain, they pop a cowlick,
Bada-bing. Alfalfa city.
Fine, I'd love to see
the master at work.
Thank you very much. I
will require complete silence.
And away we go.
Okay, Nicky, come here.
Daddy's going to cut
your hair just a little bit.
All right.
You know, uh, I
remember when I was a kid,
my dad once gave
me such a bad haircut,
I had to tell all
the kids in school
that I'd stuck my
head out of the car
at Lion Country Safari.
Would you, please?
Sorry.
Thank you.
Okay, Nick, here we go, my man.
I remember that was
the same exact summer
that I had to wear Uncle
Mort's toupee to camp.
I can't do this. It's
just too much pressure.
Jesse, you just got to face it.
You're too emotionally involved.
Yeah, you're right.
You know, doctors don't
operate on their kids,
and that's only surgery.
This is haircutting.
It's very important.
I'm going to call
Joey's Uncle Jasper.
Hey, Dad, can we
go to the mall tonight?
Sure.
Can we get frozen yogurt?
I'll even spring
for a waffle cone.
Great. So we'll get frozen
yogurt, get my shoes fixed,
get my ears pierced,
and get a new headband.
Whoa. Can you just back
that up a little bit, please?
Get my shoes fixed?
After that.
Get a new headband?
Before that.
Oh, you must mean
get my ears pierced.
[GASPS]
That's the one.
So we better get going.
We want to get a
good parking spot.
Steph, Steph,
you're too young to
get your ears pierced.
But Jennifer got hers pierced.
Well, I'm not Jennifer's father.
But Jennifer got hers pierced.
You already said that.
No, there are two Jennifers,
four ears, all pierced.
Look, Steph, D.J.
got her ears pierced
when she got to junior high.
And you can get
your ears pierced
when you get to junior high.
But I'm not D.J.
Hey, I'm sorry, but I
don't make the rules.
Actually, I do.
Well, it just so happens
I think this is a good one.
You are so unfair.
How am I ever gonna be cool?
What are you talking about?
I just bought you those
neat new sunglasses, huh?
Okay, Comet, would
you like one lump or two?
[BARKS]
Watching your weight.
Out, Michelle.
But I have a guest.
Your guest drinks
out of the toilet.
So does yours.
Michelle, Kimmy and I have
something important to do.
Important. Well, well, well.
Michelle.
You promised if it's
something important,
I get to stay.
Oh, let the runt watch.
I work better with an audience.
Okay. Whatever goes on
in this room is top-secret.
Pinkie swear.
Wow, pinkie swear. This is big.
Okay.
Park your lobes right here.
Dad wouldn't take me
to get my ears pierced,
so I'm letting Kimmy do it.
Are you nuts?
No. I'm desperate.
Let's rock and roll.
Are you sure you know
how to work that thing?
Hey, do I get Ds in English?
So, partner, I reckon it's
time we put some holes
in them purty little ears.
[♪♪♪]
You next, rug rat?
How about a nice nose ring?
I'm out of here!
Good job, Kimmy.
That hardly hurt at all.
I'm a cr*ck sh*t.
Before I came over, I
practiced on some cold cuts.
Well,
I better take these things
out before Dad sees them.
Hold it. You have to leave
those studs in for six weeks
until your ears heal.
Six weeks?
What am I gonna do?
I was just gonna run to
school to impress my friends.
But if I wear them here...
DANNY: Stephanie!
I'm dead.
Steph, why is Michelle
afraid to come upstairs?
Oh, Kimmy's here.
Honey, what are you doing?
Sit-ups.
Sweetheart, you're standing up.
I thought they were too easy.
One, two, three, four.
Is everything okay?
Great, fine. I'm
feeling the burn now.
You guys better open a window.
I don't think you're
getting enough oxygen.
Whoa, Steph.
Well, that's an
interesting hairdo.
What is that, the
Star Wars look?
Uh, yeah, we're
doing a hairstyles
of the '70s thing
at school today,
and I'm going as Princess Leia.
I'd feel really bad
for that poor kid
that has to go as Kojak.
What's the matter?
My ears hurt, and
they're really red.
I think they're infected.
Oh, no. Are they gonna fall off?
Of course not.
Good, because your
head would look funny.
Just drop it, okay?
How would you
keep your glasses on?
I'd glue 'em to my nose, okay?
Now, remember, you pinkie
swore that you wouldn't tell Dad.
Okay, but if your
ears do fall off,
I get your walkman.
[ALEX BABBLES]
Oh, Jess, isn't this adorable?
Jess.
No, don't let the
cute stuff fool you.
It's still a barber shop
which means there's
potential for danger.
Oh, hello.
Hi. Welcome to Jasper's
Kiddie Kuts. I'm Jasper.
Oh, hi. I'm Rebecca.
This is my husband, Jesse,
and these are our
boys, Nicky and Alex.
Yeah, I know. My nephew,
Joey, told me you were coming in.
Oh, look at this.
A double-header.
This calls for Big Bertha.
That's it. We're out of here.
Come on, Beck, let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't
worry about it. It's just a toy.
[METALLIC CLANK]
This guy's about two
grapes short of a fruit salad.
Honey, it's Joey's uncle.
My point exactly.
Let's get out of here.
Okay, now, let's get
some hair on the floor.
Hold on a second. Before
we get any hair on the floor,
I've got to ask you
a few questions.
Oh, honey, please, just
let the man do his job.
Yeah, just let the
man do his job, honey.
No, you're not
doing any job yet.
Now, listen. I gotta
ask you a few questions.
Where did you get your training?
I went to Stanford.
Stanford. That's
very impressive.
Yep. Al Stanford's
barber college.
Graduated class of '37.
They didn't have
blow dryers in '37.
Jess... they didn't
need them back then.
All you did was hang your
head out the old DeSoto
and lean on the gas.
Of course, you had to watch out
for the other guy
drying his hair.
Boom!
That's where the term
"head-on collision" came from.
That's it, boys, get in the
car. Come on. Let's go.
Jess. Jess. Jess,
please. It's just a haircut.
Can we get on with
this? All right, fine.
But it's gonna be your fault
if they end up looking
like melonheads.
Come on, sweetie. Want
to get in a rocket ship?
Look at this. Mommy put you in.
Look at that.
All right, strap them in tight.
It's gonna be a long ride.
All right, they're ready.
NICKY: Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Will you just cut their hair?
All right, all right,
all right, already.
Hm. Ha. Hm.
Jasper, wait!
Jess, maybe you were right.
Maybe the boys
aren't ready for this.
Boy, you two were really
made for each other.
Will you excuse us
one second, Jasper?
Thanks. Sure.
I really gotta start
charging by the hour.
What's the matter with you?
I'm supposed to be the maniac.
Well, you are.
I-it's just that it just hit me.
It all starts with the haircut.
Then they're potty-trained.
Then they're going
off to kindergarten.
Then they're shaving. Beck...
Then they're married
with kids of their own.
They'll never write.
They'll never call!
Jess, we're losing them!
Becky, you're losing it.
Now, come on. Now, one
of us has to be rational.
We're dealing with cutting
their hair, so it's got to be you.
It's just that they're
growing up so fast.
I know, sweetheart,
but we can't go crazy every
time they go through a new stage.
We're just gonna have
to learn to live with it
and go along, that's all.
Yeah, you're right.
I mean, I guess we don't
have any choice, do we?
All right, Jasper.
We're ready.
JASPER: Oh, good,
'cause I'm finished.
There you are.
And there you are.
A little finishing touch, huh?
Oh, Nicky, Alex, you
look so handsome.
JESSE: My boys Very, very nice.
Good lift, good flow.
Hey, Beck, look at
this. They got blue eyes.
Hey. And here's a reward
for being so doggone brave.
Oh, look, boys,
you get balloons.
No, these are for you two.
I told you. Her ears
look like Franken Berries.
Stephanie, your
ears are infected.
Ow.
Michelle... Ow. You
promised you wouldn't tell.
I promised I wouldn't tell Dad.
Does this look like Dad?
Stephanie, did you
pierce them at the mall
after Dad told you no?
Of course not. Ouch.
I'm not that stupid.
She let Kimmy do it.
What?
You let Kimmy punch
a hole in your body?
Why didn't you just
fall on a rusty nail?
Steph, you have to tell Dad.
He needs to take
you to a doctor.
Oh, no!
That's okay.
If you don't yell,
you get a lollipop.
If you yell a lot, you get two.
Hey. Hey, girls, look
at this, a rubber pencil.
Sorry, Dad.
I see you're in the middle
of something important.
Okay, okay.
Uh, Dad, before you get angry...
Oh, I hate conversations
that start like that.
Dad... I let Kimmy
Gibbler pierce my ears.
[SCOFFS]
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, right.
Come on, what did you really do?
My God!
Steph! They're...
They're infected!
Do you have any idea
how dangerous this is?
Now, Dad, remember,
she's only 10.
I mean, I did a lot of
stupid things in my time.
Things you wouldn't
even believe.
Like what?
Uh, maybe you two
should work this out.
Steph, sit down.
You lied to me, and you
deliberately disobeyed me.
I told you, you could
get your ears pierced
when you got to
junior high like D.J.
Why do I have to do
everything like D.J?
When D.J. did
it, how D.J. did it.
I want to be treated
like an individual.
Okay. Okay.
That's... That's a good point.
It is?
I mean, it is.
Steph, let me ask
you a question.
Why did you want pierced ears?
All my friends have them.
So you wanted
to be an individual
so you could be
exactly like your friends?
Well... no.
I guess... maybe.
Honey, if your friends
didn't have pierced ears,
would you still want them?
I don't know.
Is this a trick question?
Stephanie, if you
want to be an individual,
you have to know what you want.
As you get older,
you're gonna have to make
more and more tough decisions.
And you can't... You
can't base your decisions
on what your friends are doing
or what's popular
or what's on TV.
You have to know
what works for you.
How will I know?
Well, you have to
think about what's right.
And then if you ever
have any doubts,
that's what I'm here for.
I love you, Steph.
I love you too, Dad.
Come here.
I'm so sorry.
Listen, from now on,
we're going to look at
each situation individually.
And we're gonna base the
rules on what works for you, okay?
That sounds great.
Okay, but first, let's
get you to the doctor
and have him look at
those ears. Good idea.
And then on the way back,
we'll stop for a
burger and some fries.
You're on a roll.
Because that's the last meal
you're gonna be having
out for a long time.
Grounded, huh?
Yep.
I should have seen
that one coming.
I can't believe you
let Kimmy Gibbler
punch a hole through your head.
Well, I... Kimmy Gibbler?
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
[♪♪♪]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪