[♪♪♪]
I'll be right there.
I forgot my jacket.
Michelle.
That's my diary. You
shouldn't be looking at this.
Don't worry. I don't know
how to read anyways.
Oh, right.
Well, just stay out of
my stuff anyway, okay?
Okey-dokey.
Whew! That was close.
Now... where were we?
May 7th. D.J. got a zit.
Oh, right.
"I tried to make it look
like a beauty mark,
but nobody was fooled."
[BOTH GIGGLE]
[JESSE FREDERICK'S
"EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK" PLAYING]
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahhh ♪
♪ Whatever happened
To predictability ♪
♪ The milkman The paperboy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV? ♪
♪ Ahhh-ahhh ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out
there And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waitin'
To carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪
[♪♪♪]
There you go.
You know, this was a great idea,
getting the boys
together with Cooper.
Yeah. Well, since
Matt was coming over
to work on Jesse's Harley,
I thought it was a perfect
time for our kids to meet.
Yeah. They're
getting along great.
SARAH: Look at them
with those building blocks.
They look like little
construction workers.
All they need is a
lunch pail, hard hat
and their tushy tops sticking
out of the top of their diapers.
[BOTH LAUGH]
All right, I found the problem.
It's in the exhaust system.
I also found out where...
Comet hides his sock ball.
[WHIMPERS]
Just don't let it happen again.
[WHIMPERS]
[BARKS]
Oh.
How the kids doing?
They having fun?
Oh, yeah. They're
having a great time.
Oh, good. I'm glad.
It's hard finding pals for Coop.
He's pretty smart
for a kid his age.
Yeah? Well, you know,
Nicky and Alex are, uh,
pretty smart for their age too.
Watch this.
[CHATTERING]
Nicky, Alex... what is this?
Bock.
That means block. You
see that? Very good.
Excuse me, sir. Could I
use that block, please?
[CHUCKLES]
Cooper talks good.
Cooper talks well.
Right. Talks well.
Yeah, you... You
do. You talk, uh...
You talk very
good... Well, I mean.
Yeah, we've been helping Coop
get ready for preschool.
Heh. Sounds like he's
ready for law school.
Coop's been accepted to
Bouton Hall for next term.
That's one of the best
preschools in the Bay area.
Really?
You've checked out preschools
for your boys, haven't you?
Well, uh, not per se.
I mean. we're kind of in the...
We're kind of in the
pre-preschool phase.
You better get going.
I mean, the most important
choice a parent can make
is to pick the right preschool.
Gee, I always thought it
was Huggies or Pampers.
Don't let your kids fall behind.
I mean, you should
work on vocabulary,
numbers, motor skills.
Yeah. See, Bouton Hall believes
if you put your kid
on the right track now,
he's gonna be on
the fast track for life.
Well, that's where we
want Nicky and Alex,
the fast track, the right track.
"Zoom!"
Becky, we gotta...
We gotta check this school
out for Nicky and Alex.
[BABBLING]
And the sooner the better.
♪ A, B, C, D ♪
♪ E, F, G ♪
♪ H, I, J, K ♪
♪ L, M, N, O, P ♪
♪ Q, R, S... ♪
[♪♪♪]
Okay. I'm going for
a bike ride, all right?
Gotta tone up those muscles,
get the cardiovascular
system going,
keep the weight down.
Anybody want anything
from the Doughnut Dive?
Major news. Major news.
D.J.!
You know, Mr. T.,
spandex is not for everyone.
Neither is this house.
Kimmy, did you get
what I hope you got?
I did if it's my
driver's license.
[BOTH SHRIEK]
Let's hit the road. We're
burning rubber now.
I thought I smelled
Kimmy's feet.
Hey. Keep up that attitude,
and you'll be
walking to the mall.
The mall?
Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy.
Friend, neighbor, chauffeur.
Don't you recognize
a good-natured jest
when you hear one? Ha-ha.
Hey, if you're thinking
about sucking up to me,
it might work.
Can I suck up too?
Sure, squirt, I could
use a hood ornament.
Yay!
My brother Garth
is so proud of me,
he's letting me drive
his car, Wild Thing.
Are you serious?
That's awesome. Yes.
Whoa! Hold it,
hold it. I have a rule.
[ALL GROAN]
No daughters of
mine are getting inside
a vehicle called the Wild Thing,
especially if it's being
driven by that thing.
Dad, test her.
Driving's the one thing
she's actually good at.
Hey.
I mean, besides
forging excuse notes.
Thank you.
Okay, Kimmy, what
is the speed limit
in a residential area?
Twenty-five unless
otherwise posted.
Near a railroad track?
Fifteen miles per hour
within 100 feet of the crossing
when you can't see the tracks
for 400 feet in both directions.
Okay, road test.
You're on.
Amazing. Dad's so calm
about getting in
a car with Kimmy.
[SIGHS]
See you.
Choo-choo. What's that?
What's that?
Choo-choo. That's a choo-choo.
BECKY: Choo-choo.
Hey, Beck. Hi, honey.
I got this application
for Bouton Hall.
Check out these questions.
Let me see.
"Please list according to
the recognizability factor
the geometric shape most
familiar to your offspring."
I don't know what the answer is.
I don't know what
the question is.
Let me see this.
Look at this: verbal
skills, letter recognition,
hand-eye coordination...
ALEX: Daddy.
Well, I'd say their head-bucket
coordination is excellent.
JESSE: Yes.
[GIGGLES]
Hey, guys. Hey, Joey.
Uh, Beck, I finished my
wash, so I put your load in.
Oh, thanks. The
whites or the colors?
Were they supposed
to be separate?
I'll be right back.
Don't even worry.
I used the hottest
water possible.
[GASPS]
Hey, Jess, what's going on?
I'm just checking out
this, uh, application
for Bouton Hall.
Bouton Hall. That
is a great preschool.
I couldn't get in
there, and I was 14.
It looks like Nicky and Alex
aren't gonna get in either.
I mean, look at these questions.
"Evaluate the scope of
your child's verbal skills."
Yeah. Well, they
have good verbal skills.
I mean, you know,
they do talk all the time.
[BOTH BABBLING]
It's just not always in English.
Hm.
Perfect. Put down
that they're bilingual.
They're not bilingual.
Sure they are. They
speak two languages:
English and gibberish.
I'm not gonna lie
on this application.
You want 'em to have a
good education, don't you?
Of course, I do, Joey.
The most important thing
in the whole world right
now is their education.
If my parents would have
put me on the right track,
maybe I wouldn't
be at night school
getting my high school diploma.
Well, then you gotta
give the boys a little edge.
Really? Yeah.
You know something,
you're right. Uh-huh.
I'm their father. Darn right.
If I don't lie for 'em,
who will? That's right.
All right, let's see.
Language. Bilingual. Bi...
No. Wait, wait, wait.
Trilingual. Trilingual.
Ho... Hold it, hold it.
Unbelievably... Unbelievably...
lingual. Lingual.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Steve. Are you my friend?
Yeah, of course I am.
Watch it, Steve,
she's setting you up.
Do you mind? I'm
talking to my friend.
Can you help me with my math?
Well, you know, math's
not my best subject, but hey,
I'll give it a sh*t.
Just need to know
what's five take away one?
Oh, heh, five take away one.
All right, now, let's say
you have five cookies.
All right. Now, if
you take away one...
how many do you have left?
Four, if I hurry.
[MUFFLED] That's
mine. That's my cookie.
Michelle, what are you doing?
Studying.
Hey, how'd the road test go?
Terrible.
She's the best driver
I've ever been with.
Even her maps
were folded correctly.
What did I tell you, Dad?
Kimmy was born to drive.
I knew there was a reason.
All right.
I don't know what to say.
You're a natural, Kimmy.
I just... I actually feel secure
with you kids in
the car with her.
Tomorrow you can all
take a ride in the Wild Thing.
Great, let's hit the mall. Cool.
Let's hit Binge Burger.
Let's hit Vegas.
I feel lucky.
[♪♪♪]
BECKY: Jess! Jess!
You'll never guess what.
Bouton Hall just called.
You must've done a great
job on that application.
They're interested
in Nicky and Alex.
I knew it. We're in.
All right. No, honey,
we're not in yet.
We have to take the boys
down there for an interview.
They want to meet them
and evaluate their abilities.
Evaluate their
little abilities, huh?
Yeah. Isn't this exciting?
I'm gonna go give them a bath.
Somehow, they look
smarter when they're clean.
Well, look at the time.
I'll bet there's a hockey game
on somewhere in the world.
Get back here.
What am I gonna do?
I lied through my teeth.
I said they were
two little geniuses.
Oh, boy. You better hope
Becky gets those kids really clean.
We're dead.
Jess, it's okay, come on.
[♪♪♪]
All right. Bouton Hall.
Look at this, guys.
The starting line
of the fast track.
Right, fast track.
Just let me do the talking.
Oh, boy, I hope they like us.
Oh, honey, they'll like us.
Listen, sweetheart, ahem,
if you happen to
hear some, uh...
I don't know, some strange
things during this interview,
just, uh... Just go with it.
Your hair looks good
like that by the way.
What strange things?
Well, uh,
see, on the application,
I may have, um...
What's the word I'm looking
for? I may have embellished
a little bit.
Embellished? How much?
A little... A tad... A li...
Minuscule amounts, really.
Just a tad.
Ah, ambassador
and Mrs. Katsopolis.
I'm Mrs. Jacobs. Why
don't you sit down.
Make yourselves at home,
and I'll be back with you shortly.
[QUIETLY] Ambassador?
Let's observe them through
the two-way mirror for a while
to see how they
relate to the children.
Any other surprises?
I know you're upset.
But this is important.
You know, the fast track.
"Zoom! Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom!"
You're right, okay.
"Zoom, zoom, zoom."
Right. Okay.
Come on, guys, Come
here. I got to talk to you guys.
Go to your daddy.
Now, let me explain
something to you.
First impression
is very critical.
Now, I've found, over the
years, that the natural part
kind of expresses
a carefree attitude
that can only
work in your favor.
So let's find that natural
part, shall we, fellas?
Let's find the middle. Ready?
Let's find the natural
part. Shake it out, boys.
Shake it out. That's good.
All right.
Honey, I have
something in my teeth.
Here. Slide down to Mommy.
Here you go.
[BECKY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
Yeah, honey, I have...
I have some kind of a...
Something in my molar here.
It's a... It's a hunk of walnut.
I have a walnut...
[TONGUE CLICKING]
[HISSING]
You have any floss, Beck?
Hi. Thanks for being so patient.
Oh, that's okay. We were
just getting the boys ready.
I know. I saw you.
You saw us?
Well, yes, that's
a two-way mirror.
We always observe the parents
and children for a few moments.
Floss?
No, no. I was just joking.
I knew you were
watching. I-I was just joking.
I find, uh, that a
sense of humor
is very important in
the diplomatic corps.
Perhaps we should begin.
Good. Listen, my chil...
Our philosophy is if
children are placed
on the right track
at an early age,
they will be on the
fast track through life.
Right. Well, that's what we
believe. "Zoom!" You know.
Yeah, we've developed this
motto around the house, you know.
"Fast track, right track.
Two, two, two tracks in one."
Catchy. Yeah, I
made it up myself.
If your children
are accepted here,
you'll be expected to work with
them at home rather intensively
so they may reap the optimum
benefits from our curriculum.
Oh, yeah, well, our kids
love to reap. Heh-heh.
Couple of little reapers.
Well, listen, we've really
enjoyed the interview.
Thanks a lot. And give us
a call when school starts.
Come on, boys. The
interview hasn't begun.
They need to meet
with the principal,
have an intelligence test.
By the way, Mrs. Katsopolis,
what language would the
children be most comfortable
taking the test in?
Uh, uh...
Well, you know, I like to
refer all the language questions
to my husband, the
diplomat, heh-heh.
Language. Lang-wage.
Um, well, I feel that
probably English...
English would be easiest
on... On your people.
[SIGHS]
Look, Mrs. Jacobs,
we have to be honest.
Well, I have to be honest.
We may have... Well, he may have
embellished... Lied a
bit on our application.
Honest. She's been on
this honesty kick all week.
We had a feeling you
might have embellished.
Not too many 2-year-olds
are proficient on the bassoon.
The bassoon?
Well, they're too
short for the cello.
[BOTH GIGGLING]
It only shows you want
what's best for your boys.
So come along, children.
We're going to have
a wonderful time.
Mrs. Katsopolis. Ambassador.
[THE TROGGS' "WILD
THING" PLAYING ON STEREO]
KIMMY: I love this song. Come
on, let's sing: ♪ Wild Thing ♪
STEPHANIE: Yeah, right!
D.J.: This is fun.
Hey!
ALL: ♪ Wild thing ♪
♪ You make my heart sing ♪
♪ You make everything ♪
♪ Groovy ♪
♪ Wild thing ♪
If this is fun, we're having it.
Hey, look.
The guys from the chess team.
♪ You make everything ♪
Let's rag on 'em.
Oh, very mature, Kimmy.
What's the fun of driving
if you can't make
fun of nerds on foot?
You're right.
What are they going to
do, throw a pawn at us?
[ALL LAUGH] Let's play
Ring Around the Chevy.
All right!
What is it?
Well, we get out,
run around the car
and goof on them because
we have wheels and they don't.
[ALL GIGGLE]
The guy with tape
on his glasses is mine.
♪ Wild thing, I
think I love you ♪
Hold my hand, Michelle.
Hey, chess boys.
[GASPS] We just
need a little exercise.
We've been sitting
in our car for so long.
Yeah.
You wouldn't know the
feeling because you're walking.
Gibbler, my door is locked.
Mine too.
Mine three.
[ALL LAUGHING]
I must have hit the
power door-lock.
We're locked out.
[SIGHS]
Well, maybe we
can break a window.
We need something hard.
How about Gibbler's head?
We can't break a
window on Wild Thing.
My brother would k*ll me.
[SIGHS]
What are we gonna do now?
We can get a pizza.
Good idea, Michelle. And
how would you like to get it?
Oh, yeah.
We can have it delivered.
MICHELLE: Hey,
that guy looks like Dad.
STEPHANIE: That guy is dad.
Dad, hi.
Beautiful day.
What brings you out here?
My bike.
Why aren't you in the car?
Well, we were getting cramped,
so we thought that we would
get out and stretch our legs.
Yeah. Stretch our legs.
Yeah. Ooh.
[ALL GRUNTING]
Well, now that you're
all nice and limber,
when are you
going to get back in?
When we unlock our doors.
What? You're locked out?
We played Ring Around the Chevy.
The Chevy won.
Girls, this is very dangerous.
Dad, you're right. I'm sorry.
Me too.
Me three.
Well, apparently,
they're all very sorry.
Can I borrow your bike?
Kimmy, you may have
passed your driver's test,
but you have the
judgment of a lima bean.
I am really
disappointed in all of you.
A car is not a toy.
That's something you can
think about on your walk home.
It's two miles.
Well, then you'll have
plenty of time to think.
I'll see if those people
will let me use the phone
to call Kimmy's brother.
He may want to
pick up his car...
though I can't imagine why.
[SIGHS]
That's great.
D.J.: I can't believe you
locked the keys in the car.
Now we have to walk two miles.
[ALL CHATTERING ANGRILY]
[♪♪♪]
All right, okay.
Let's try another one.
Come on, guys.
Concentrate please.
Now, watch what I'm doing
here. What is this letter? Come on.
[BOTH BABBLING]
No "da-ya-ya-ya."
What is that? "Da-ya."
No, no, it's... It's...
It's the first letter
in "frustration."
What is it? Come on.
Jess, come on. All
right, guys, try this.
Jess, look, we've been
pushing the boys all week.
I mean, we don't even know
if they've been accepted.
It doesn't matter. If they
don't get in Bouton Hall,
then we gotta get
'em in someplace else.
Okay, guys, shapes.
Time for shapes.
There you go.
Jess, we're not letting
them be kids anymore.
They're not having any fun.
Honey, look, they're
kids. They're short,
they wear diapers,
they can't vote.
All right, guys.
Come on, let's go.
No, no, no.
No, son, son, son, son, please.
Look, the square block
goes into the square hole.
Like that. See? There
you go, pal. Try it.
No, no.
No, no, no. Jess.
Try it. Jess.
Just... You know what? We
should just back off, okay?
We are getting
frustrated, and so are they.
Sweetheart, this
is very important.
I wish my parents
would have spent some
quality time with me.
[GURGLES]
Son, no. No, son.
Give me that. Give me...
Look, look, see? This
has... five sides, okay?
It's called a... A
five-side-agon.
All right. Now, here you go.
Now, come on, please, son.
Concentrate for Daddy, okay?
Try... Now, come on,
please concentrate.
Where does the
five-side-agon go?
Uh-oh. Daddy got a boo-boo.
Oh. Daddy, boo-boo.
Oh, very sweet. Oh, thank you.
You know what, honey?
I think that the boys are
trying to tell us something.
Yeah, we need softer blocks.
Jess.
I know. They hate it,
and I'm pushing them too hard.
It's just that I-I
just want the best
for my little boys, that's all.
Sweetheart, I know you
want what's best for them,
but you know what?
Maybe the fast track isn't it.
I mean, Nicky and Alex
are normal, healthy kids,
and whatever track they're
on, they seem to be doing okay.
Thank you.
You're right.
Maybe I did push this
preschool thing a little bit.
I mean, maybe Bouton
Hall isn't right for our kids.
You know what? When
they're ready for preschool,
we'll find the right
one, and we'll...
We'll do everything we
can to encourage them.
All right. Come here, you.
Come here, you. [GIGGLING]
[GIGGLES]
It's 'cause I love
them so much, and I...
I just want them to
be happy. That's all.
[LAUGHING]
Well, they look
pretty happy to me.
[ALL GIGGLING]
Happy boy.
You got a letter.
Thought you'd want to know.
Oh, let me see, sweetheart.
Hey, Jess, it's
from Bouton Hall.
Did Nicky and Alex get in?
Does it matter, honey?
Not in the least.
All right then.
All right, who wants
some ice cream?
You don't have to ask me twice.
All right. Ice cream.
Here we go. Ice cream.
Mmm. Mmm.
They made it. They got in.
Does this change anything?
Not a thing.
[GIGGLES]
[♪♪♪]
Go see Daddy.
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhh ♪
♪ Dooby-doo-baa-ba-daa ♪