03x29 - Tennesse Ernie Hangs On

Complete collection of episode scripts for the TV series, "I Love Lucy". Aired October 1951 - May 1957.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Lucy & Ricky Ricardo live in New York, while Ricky tries to succeed in show business -- Lucy who is always trying to help -- usually ends up in some kind of trouble that drives Ricky insane.
Post Reply

03x29 - Tennesse Ernie Hangs On

Post by bunniefuu »

("I love Lucy" theme song playing)

ETHEL: Lucy!

Yeah?

(laughing)

Oh, no.

Did you miss it?

I certainly did.

The baby left it over at my house.

Well, thanks, honey.

Well, where's Cousin Ernie, your star
boarder?

Oh, he went to the zoo again.

He likes to look at those animals,
doesn't he?

Well, I think it's about - .

(laughing)

Gee, I wish he had enough money to go
back to Tennessee.

Why don't you buy him a ticket?

Oh, we offered to, but he wouldn't
accept it.

Won't accept charity, you know.

If he keeps on eating the way he
does,

we're going to need charity.

Hi.

Oh, hi.
Hi.

Hi, Ethel.
Hi.

I got to go do my dishes.

Okay.
Good luck.

Okay.

Good luck about what?

Getting rid of our star boarder,
Cousin Ernie.

Well, honey, your worries are over.

By tomorrow afternoon,

somebody's going to be on the way

to Bent Fork, Tennessee.

How come?

Well, just, uh...

get a load of this.

What is it?

This is a bus ticket to Bent Fork.

He won't take it.

I know he won't, but I have a plan
that will work.

Oh, I get it.

We'll leave him here; we'll go to
Bent Fork.

All right, so we won't give it to
him.

Suppose he finds it.

Oh...

Ah...

Now, where can I put this so he'll be
sure to find it?

In the refrigerator.

No, no.

Now, suppose that somebody lost this
ticket

in the hallway someplace, you know,
just, uh... like so.

Okay?
Yeah.

And then we ask Ernie

to go over to the Mertzes and get
something for us.

So, he goes down the hall...

(humming)

Ah!

A ticket.

To Bent Fork!

He can't miss it.

Pretty clever, huh?

Well, it finally happened.

What has?

After years of marriage,

you're beginning to think like me.

Please.

(doorbell buzzing)

Hi, Cousin Ricky.

Hi.

Hi, Cousin Lucy.

Hi.
Hi.

Did you have fun at the zoo?

Yeah, I sure did.

You know, while I was down there, I
seen a friend of mine.

Oh? Which cage was he in?

(cackling)

Cousin Lucy, you are a caution to the
jaybirds.

And, you know, this fella's name was
Lester Byck,

and I run over there to try to talk
to him

and he just disappeared into the
crowd somewhere.

Say, Ernie, Ernie...
Yeah.

would you do me a favor and go over
to Fred Mertz

and ask him if he would lend me the
sports section?

Why, sure, sure.

What's the spore session?

Uh, that is the sports section in the
newspaper.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
All right.

Wait a minute.

I seen that around here somewhere
this morning.

Wait a minute.

It's right over here...

Here it is right here.

ERNIE: There you are.

(chuckling): There.

Thank you.

Uh, Ernie, would you ask Ethel

if I could borrow her, uh, potato
masher?

No sooner said than did.

Thank you, Ernie.
Okay.

All righty.

Thanks.

ERNIE: Well, I'll be jump-jumpin'
ding dang!

He found it.

(laughing)

Where did he go?

I don't know.

That's funny.

He's not there.

Where could he have gone?

You don't suppose he got so excited,

he ran down and jumped on the bus?

Not without asking me to pack him a
lunch first.

Hey, I hear him coming.

Cock your p*stol

'cause you ain't gonna to believe
this nohow.

What happened, Ernie?
What happened?

I's going down the hall,

and right there on the carpet,

ju-just as plain as the nose on your
face,

was a bus ticket,

and do you know whar it was to?

Whar?

Bent Fork!

All the way thar?

Yes, sirree, Bob.

Ain't that a coinkidinky?

Well, imagine, a bus ticket to Bent
Fork!

Imagine that. I bet it made you happy
finding it, huh?

Yeah, it did at first, but...

I got to thinking of the poor critter
that lost it.

I said to myself,

somewhere, somebody ain't a-goin' to
Bent Fork.

Ernie, where is the ticket?

Yeah, where's the ticket, Ernie?

Well, that's the best part of it.

I run down on the street,

and the very first fella I seen

was the fella that lost the ticket.

You mean you...?

Yup. There he was in a old, poor,
raggedy suit

and he looked so poorly

and I could tell he could ill afford
such a loss.

My, the tears of joy run down his
face

when I give him his ticket.

Ain't it wonderful how a story like
that turns out?

Why, looky there.

Cousin Ricky's got tears of joy

running down his face now.

Yes, well, would it be possible for
you to pick it up

and fix it and get it back

before my husband gets home tonight?

Well, I'd certainly appreciate it.

Thank you very much.

Lucy, did you hear that expl*si*n a
few minutes ago?

Indeed I did. It came from our living
room.

It did?! What happened?

Well, cock your p*stol, Ethel.

You're not gonna believe this.

Did you ever watch

Millikan's Chicken-Mash Hour on
television?

No.

Well, there's a man named Lester Byck

who is master of ceremonies

on Millikan's Chicken-Mash Hour

and he also comes from Bent Fork,
Tennessee.

Yeah, well, go on.
What happened?

Well, Ernie was watching television,

Lester Byck came on

and Ernie jumped up and hollered,

"Well, I'll be ding-danged if it
ain't Cousin Lester!

Hiya, Cousin Lester!"

And he ran over and clapped him on
the back--

on the tube, I should say.

No.

Yes, and the whole set exploded.

(gasps)

Oh, my goodness.

You are just in time to help me clean
up.

Come, girl.

Oh, Lucy!

Oh, my goodness.

Well, how's Cousin Ernie? Is he hurt?

Don't be silly.

He's on his way down to the
television station

to tell Cousin Lester he's sorry he
hit him so hard.

Now, that boy has got to go.

There must be some way to get rid of
him.

Oh, if he just wasn't so darn nice...

As much as I want to get rid of him,

I-I just couldn't hurt him.

Oh...

Why don't you get him a job?

Oh, we thought of that, but there's
only one thing he can do

and there's not much demand for a
professional eater.

By the time I get that set paid for,

I'm not going to be able to keep him
in groceries.

The food that that boy can put away,
honestly...

Hey, that ought to do it!

What?

I have a notion

that when the food goes, so will
Cousin Ernie.

Of course!

I'll tell him we're broke.
Yeah.

I'll, I'll tell him that Ricky lost
his job.

Yeah!

Will you help me?
Sure!

Listen, here's what I want Fred and
you to do.

From the great Atlantic Ocean to the
wide Pacific shore

To the green old flowin' mountains

To the south bell by the moor

She's mighty tall and handsome

She's known quite well by all

She's a combination called the Wabash
Cannonball

Listen to the jingle, the rumble and
the roar...

Cousin Lucy!

LUCY: Yup!

Is breakfast about ready?

Cousin Lucy, them clothes you're
a-wearin'...

Oh, you noticed them.

I couldn't help it.

That sweater...

You remind me of my grandma.

Oh.

Uh, Ernie, about breakfast...

Is it ready?

Um... look, Ernie,

you know you're welcome to anything
we've got, but, uh...

Come in the kitchen.

Somebody around here has been acting
a hog.

No, it's worse than that, Ernie. Sit
down.

There's your breakfast and lunch.

Breakfast and lunch?

Chew it slowly.

It'll last longer.

Go ahead. It ain't bad.

(doorbell buzzing)

Will you see who's at the door,
Ernie?

Uh-huh.

Hello, Ernie. Is Lucy home?

Yeah, yeah.

Cousin Lucy!

Hello.

Company's dropped in!

Hello, Ethel.

You poor little thing.

We brought you some food.

Oh! Thank you.

Thank you!

It's all right.

Bread. Flour. Milk.

You saved my baby's life.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

And I brought you an old dress of
mine, darling.

Oh, you're so good to me.

Oh, it's beautiful!

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Well, it's the least we could do,

considering we got to kick you out of
your apartment.

We hate to do it,

but you're six months behind on the
rent

and since we I know, heard
that... please, please,

Let's not talk in front of company.

Cousin Ernie doesn't know that Ricky
lost his j-o-b.

Now, darling, you know you can count
on us for help.

I know.

You're real, true friends.

Thank you.

Come, Fred.

Yeah.

Bye.
Bye.

Ah... Cousin Lucy...

Yes, Cousin Ernie?

I don't want to be a nosey Parker,

and, uh, I don't understand this
j-o-b,

but I think there's something wrong
around here.

Whatever makes you think that?

(laughs)

You've got to get up pretty early in
the morning

to fool old Ernie.

I think there's a polecat in the
henhouse.

Well, I guess we can't keep it from
you any longer.

You're right, Ernie.

Something is wrong.

Mighty wrong.

Mighty wrong.

We're broke.

Ricky's lost his job.

We're penniless.

Now, now, now, Cousin Lucy,

don't you go and take on like that.

Now, now, now, now, now.

Oh, I don't mind for myself.

I don't mind not having anything to
eat,

not having anyplace to live,

but the bitterest pill of all

is not being able to afford you with
us anymore.

Oh, what the hen feathers.

That's nothing to cry about.

Look, I'll just hightail it right on
back to Bent Fork.

Well, maybe that would be best,
Ernie.

Well, I'll go pack my other shirt.

Mama always said I had a lot of
get-up-and-go,

so I'll just get up and go.

Lucy?

LUCY: Yeah?

Hi.

ETHEL: Hasn't he gone yet?

Sure. He left an hour ago with his
suitcase in his hand,

his hat on his head and a lump in his
throat.

Why are you still in those clothes?

Oh, I just wanted Ricky to see how I
look.

(laughing): Oh.

Well, then you won't need our
rollaway bed anymore.

No, I won't, Fred.
Thank you very much.

Let's get it out of her way.
Yeah.

I'd appreciate it.
It's a might handy thing

to have around, though, I can tell
you that.

FRED: Here we go.

Okay.

Ernie!

Yep, it's me. Cousin Fred, you might
as well

put that runaway bed back where you
got it.

I'm a-stayin'.

But, Ernie, I told you, we're broke.

They're wiped out.

I know it. That's why I'm a-stayin'.

Cousin Lucy, I ain't a-leavin' you in
your time of need.

I got as fer as the corner

and I stopped dead in my tracks.

It hit me like a Hickory Ball.

I said to myself "You're a rat
a-leavin' a sinking ship."

Oh, now, Ernie, you shouldn't feel
like that.

You just go on home.
We'll manage.

Sure. We'll help 'em.

You can keep the apartment for
another month.

You can go ahead home.

Yeah.

Now you all hush up.

I stayed with you while you was
eatin' high on the hog

and I'm gonna stick to you

while you're down around the hocks.

Oh, Ernie, really, if I could...

Hi.
BOTH: Hi, Rick.

Hi, Cousin!

Hi, amigo.

What's the matter with you?

Uh, I-I-I was just telling Ernie how
we were broke

and we couldn't afford to keep him
here any longer

and-and the reason that we were...

What do you mean, "broke"?

Now, don't you go puttin' on none

for me there, Cousin Ricky.

Cousin Lucy told me

all about you losing your j-o-b.

What?!

That's right.

And-and now's when you need a real
friend,

and I ain't the only friend you've
got neither.

What do you mean, Ernie?

Well, so on the way back up here,

I stopped down at the grocery store,

and the fella there was that amazed

when I told him you'd been picked
cleaner

than a hound's tooth.

You told the grocery man that we were
broke?

Yep, and look what he give me.

Oh, scoot over there.

This is just gonna tickle you to
death.

Oh, I'll tell you, he's the nicest
fella.

Here, now, there's some day-old
bread.

Here's some of the canned goods

that, uh, that lost the labels off
them, you know.

Uh... Ernie, the Ricardos don't,
uh...

They don't want anybody to know
they're broke.

Aah! I never took no stock

in foolish pride.

Now, down home, when folks got into
trouble,

the neighbors all pitched in and
helped,

and I'm happy to report

that your neighbors here in New York

are just as friendly as they are in
Tennessee.

Why do you say that, Ernie?

I took up a collection

of all your neighbors here in this
apartment.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

And look-it here.


We didn't do bad, neither.

Look-it there.

Isn't that wonderful?

You know, when folks get hard up,

it's just wonderful how people...

Hi.

Hi. How'd everything go?

All right.
How's the baby?

Haven't heard a peep out of him.

Ricky come back yet?

No.

I have never seen him so mad.

Neither have I.

He just started to shake and walked
out of the door.

He didn't say a word to you, I wonder
why.

He was afraid.

Afraid of what?

Afraid he might k*ll me.

Where's Ernie?

I don't know. He just said, "I got an
idea," and left.

Well, everybody took their money back

and I got cents left over.

Ah!

I'll bet that belonged to Ernie.

That's all the money he had left in
the world.

Aw...

Oh, dear.

If I wasn't so sick and tired of him,
I-I'd like him.

Well, how are you gonna get rid of
him now?

I'm not even gonna try.

I give up.

Oh, Lucy, he'll stay here forever.

Well, we'll get used to him through
the years.

Who knows? Someday we may even adopt
him.

(laughing): Oh...

I got to go put my roast on.

If you need any help when Ricky
comes, just yell.

All right, dear.

(whispering): Here comes Ricky.

Hi.

Hi, Ethel.

Is that a smile?

Yeah.

Oh.

Well, you know, I got to thinking
about it, and...

(chuckles)

I just can't get mad at that guy.

That's right, honey.

ETHEL: Sure.

He is so sweet and so nice.

Yeah. Yeah.

Imagine him taking up a collection
for us.

How about that?

Well, honey, I guess we'll just have
to figure out

a way to get rid of him without
hurting his feelings.

That's right, honey.

I just can't do it.

No.

ERNIE: Cousin Lucy!
Cousin Lucy!

(sighs)

Here comes my oldest boy.

Cousin Lucy, your troubles is all
over.

We'uns is a-going on Millikan's
Chicken-Mash Hour.

Who is "we'uns"?

Well, me and you and Cousin Ricky

and Cousin Ethel and Cousin Fred.

Now, wait. Just, just count me'uns
out of you all's we'uns.

Well, now, don't say the preserves is
spoilt

till you've took the lid off the jar.

What's he mean by that?

I don't know, but keep the lid on
that jar.

But can't you see that this fixes
everything?

They'll pay $ for one appearance

of Ernest Ford and his four hot
chicken pickers.

"Hot chicken pickers"?

Yeah.
Oh, no, no, no.

Look, Ernie, Ernie.

Really, we don't need the money.
Really, we don't.

Now, as the whale said

when he seen Jonah standing on the
bank,

"I ain't a-swallerin' that."

Look, Ernie, that's...

It's, it's, it's very nice of you,

but we-we ain't the, uh, hot chicken
pickin' type.

Then I guess I'll never get back to
Bent Fork.

Why not?

Well, you see, with that $ ,

that'll pay my bus fare back to Bent
Fork.

Then I'll have about left

and that ought to do you all about,
oh, six months or so.

But... if you don't cotton to the
idea,

I reckon I'll just have to set around
here

till I think of something better.

Ernie...

Hmm?

You mean if we, if we go on this
television show with you,

you... you'll be able to go back to
Bent Fork?

Right after the last twang of the
guitar,

I'll be a-headin' home

quicker than a bobcat with a burr
under his tail.

Ricky, what do you say?

Bring on the hot chickens and let's
start pickin'.

And now, friends and neighbors,

Millikan's Chicken-Mash Hour is proud
to present

for the first time on television,

a group that come clean from Bent
Fork, Tennessee,

Ernie Ford and his four hot chicken
pickers!

There they are!

(applause)

(playing bright country intro)

ERNIE: A-one, a-two, three, four.

(playing "Y'all Come")

When you live in the country

Everybody is your neighbor

On this one thing you can rely

Slap my thigh!

They all come to see you

And they never leave you

Saying, "Y'all come to see us by and
by"

By and by

By and by

Y'all come

Y'all come

Y'all come

Y'all come

Oh, you all come and see us when you
can

It's for free!

Y'all come

Bring the pig!

Y'all come

Ah-ha

Oh, you'll all come and see us now
and then

ERNIE: Openhanded, headed down south

Get a little moonshine in your mouth

Chicken in a bread pan peckin' out
dough

Come on, boy, don't be slow

Grab your partner, pat her on the
head

If she don't like biscuits, feed her
cornbread

Hook to her belly there and hook
through her bracelet

Come on boy, we're goin' places

Ah-ha

Ah-ha

A-one, a-two, three, four.

Kinfolks are a-comin'

They're comin' by the dozen

Eating everything from soup to hay

Hi, Cousin!
Hi!

Hang out after dinner there, and you
don't get any thinner

And here's what you hear them say

Hear them say

Hear them say

Hear them say

Hear them say

Y'all come

Bring the kids!

Y'all come

Land o' Goshen!

Oh, you all come and see us when you
can

(crowing)

Y'all come

Bring the pig!

Y'all come

Here, kitty, kitty!

Oh, you all come to see us now and
then

ERNIE: Jim and June and Uncle Andy

Cousin Pete and Aunt Mirandy

All the cows and chickens miss you,
too

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum

Jim and June can sip some cider

Ma and Pa can ride the glider

Cousin Rick can yodel "babaloo"

Babaloo

Y'all come

Y'all come

Babaloo

Oh, you all come and see us when you
can

Oh, babaloo

Y'all come

Y'all come

Yeah, yeah

Oh, you all come and see us now and
then

You all come and see us now and then

Ah-ha

Ah-ha

Yeah!

(applause)

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: Lester Byck was played by
d*ck Reeves

and Ernie was played by Ernie Ford.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.
Post Reply