03x12 - Hair of the Dog

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

This is for her own safety.

We don't know what we're doing.

We're not doctors.

Has anybody seen my mom?

Come find me!

- (b*llet ricochets)
- (Gail groans)

I've only flown in a simulator.

You got to take that leap one day.

LEWIS: Okay, I'm gonna do it.

- (all cheering)
- (Carol screams)

TANDY: I created
something to honor Lewis

and help us see the light.

(light groan)

Hey, look who's back. (chuckles)

Went pretty hard up in Napa, huh?

Looks like someone needs a vacation

after a vacation, am I right?

JK, you look great.

Everyone's in the common
room. I'll be right up.

Oh, good God, Gail!

(shouts)

I told you she wasn't the "D" word.

You're back! Hi.

Oh, Gail. Ugh, you smell like

the inside of an unwashed sock puppet.

Must have been quite the bender, huh?

CAROL: Looks like you got
some wine on your leg there.

Someone needs to go
back to drinking school.

It's supposed to go in your mouth, Gail.

Look what the cat dragged in.

Nice of you to finally join us, Gail.

This whole place has fallen apart.

You decide to go party down on your own.

Ridiculous.

Hey, I think she's
trying to say something.

Wa...

(shouts) Oh, geez.

Gail?

Wine. She needs wine!

ERICA: Maybe we should
elevate her head..

No, no, we need to
leave her neck unkinked

for maximum air flow.

Okay, here, Gail. This should help.

- Here we go.
- Yes.

Oh, what did you give her?

It's a Sex on the Beach.

Here, force it down. Hair of the dog.

- Hair of the dog.
- I'm not hungover, you idiot.

I have been trapped

in an elevator and
I've got a friggin'...

b*llet hole in my leg.

- Whoa. Wait...
- CAROL: Whoa.

- who sh*t you?
- ERICA: What?

I did.

It's always the person you least expect.

I was just... trying
to get some alone time.

Because I bugged you so much?

(sighs) No, no.

Well, yes,

but no.

I just needed some space,

and so I was heading
up to the roof next door

when I got trapped because
the damn power went out.

I was in there for, like,

- ten days.
- Oh.

And I kept

sh**ting off b*ll*ts, but
I guess nobody heard me.

And then

I got zipped by a ricochet and I just...

Mm.

I started fading.

I said a prayer, and, um,

loaded up my last b*llet
and thought that was it.

God, Gail, that's awful.

Ten days?

What did you do for your... you know...

private business?

- Tandy.
- Tandy.

What? It's a valid question. It's...

Mini fridge.

Ew. Go on.

It really was hell on Earth.

I just... thought for sure
I was gonna die in there.

And then...

by the grace of God,
the power came back on.

Oh, uh, that was me... and God.

You know, uh, God working through me.

Standard, uh, vessel situation,
you know, but, uh, bottom line,

yes, I, uh, turned the
power back on. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I thought I was never gonna
see your idiot face again.

Get in here, you dumb turd.

One dumb turd coming in hot. (laughs)

Come on. Oh, get in here, all y'all.

- Oh. Gail.
- Oh, my God.

- Hey.
- We're so glad you're back.

Thank you, and where's the others?

Where's Lewis?

(whispering): I'll take this.

Gail, uh... got something we
have to tell you about Lewis.

(inhales deeply) Lewis, uh...

is great.

He just got into CrossFit and P X.

Uh, he's super into muscle confusion.

H-He's not confused about it or f...

he's just focused and-and vital

- and feeling...
- How'd he die?

Peacefully.

Minor plane crash.

And how about Melissa?

So, you just locked her up in there?

We had no other choice.
She was a danger to herself.

Well, I know exactly
what she's going through.

Trapped in a box. Poor thing.

You know what, Gail, you need your rest.

Why don't we roll you into an
elevator and get you upstairs?

Uh, I am not getting
in no damn elevator.

Oh, 'cause you just got stuck in one?

TANDY: Gail, you know,

we live on this floor.

Wh-Why don't you come stay with us

until you feel better?

Oh, it might be nice

to have someone look
after me for a while.

So, thanks.

- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

Let me get you here.

CAROL: Okay, take your time.

- (grunts)
- Okay.

There you go.

GAIL: What's all this?

Oh, oh, that's nothing.

Let me just get that
stuff out of your way.

Ah.

You gave me the frickin'
googly-eye treatment.

I was angry at the time. I'm sorry.

I deserved it.

No, you didn't.

I mean, to have no
control over your pupils

like a substitute teacher?

No one deserves that,
not even a picture.

Carol... it's fine. Relax.

(laughing): Oh. Relax.
I'm way ahead of you.

That's my whole thing now is
just relaxing during situations.

I mean, so much has changed

since I drove you away,
and I'm not just talking

about the amount of human
waste in your mini fridge.

I've mellowed out now. Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah, now they call me

the Mellow Submarine or
John Cougar Mellow-camp,

and Old Meller, and, hey, it's
Henry Wadsworth Long-Mellow.

Carol, I get it.

- I'm mellow.
- Yeah.

You sure you're okay
with me taking your bed?

Oh, absolutely.

Tandy and I'll make do,

and I'll just be outside

relaxing during situations.

(chuckles)

Mellow-nor Roosevelt out.

Nobody comes into my house and
tries to take over my hallway.

Damn it. Split.

Tandy. Tandy. I figured it out, man.

Oh, great, bud. What is it?

We're going to Akron.

- Perfect. Let's do it.
- Yeah.

Oh, uh, uh, uh, and why
are we going to A-Akron?

'Cause that's where Melissa's from.

- Of course. Let's go. Let's go.
- Yeah.

(stammers)

Uh, but what-what does that matter?

Well, 'cause last night
I couldn't stop thinking

about what Gail said about
being trapped in that box.

Hell on Earth, she called it.

Well, Melissa's trapped
in a box, too, man.

Well, yeah, I mean she's only trapped

in a sense that she can't
leave whenever she wants.

Like, you know, the traditional
sense of the word "trapped."

- Yeah, you got a point.
- Yeah, and

we got to figure this out. I mean,

we can't keep her in there forever.

It's solid loge,

but how will going to Akron help?

'Cause that's where she grew up, man.

That's where her family's from.

Her medical records are probably there.

Who knows what we could learn?
You know, and if nothing else,

she'll get a little
time out of that box.

Wait, she's going with us?

Yeah, she wouldn't tell me her address.

(sighs) Todd, if I'm being honest,

I think we're making a huge mistake

for not having done this earlier.

You go grab Melissa, I'll
go get my travel underwear.

- (Todd yells)
- Pick up that spare first.

Picked up the spare!

TANDY: Why are you being so stubborn
about giving us your address?

We're doing this to help you.

People are very worried about you.

You're sterile.

And Carol's pregnant with Mike's baby.

Just words.

You see, I-I'm rubber, and you're glue,

and whatever you say bounces
off me and sticks to you.

So you're sterile.

(laughs)

See, now we're getting somewhere, huh?

Laughter is the best medicine.

No, I was just thinking
about your tiny penis.

Carol told me all about it.

Uh, so you know my
balls are huge, though.

She said those are really small, too.

I'm gonna have to talk
to Carol about this.

And just so you know, I'm
proud of my little tea set.

Yep, uh-huh, and by the way,

you have a small penis. Mm-hmm.

Okay, next subject.

What is your freaking address in Akron?

One-Sixth of an Inch Avenue,

Tandy's Penis Is Tiny City, Ohio.

(stammering): You know what...
you know what, where you live?

You live on the intersection of, uh, uh,

You Don't Know What
You're Talking About Street

and, uh, uh, Mind Your
Own Business Boulevard.

God! I don't know why you
don't want us to help you.

We'll find your place.

And by the way, my penis is way larger

than one-sixth of an inch.

Well, larger than one-sixth of an inch.

ERICA: Surprise!

GAIL: Oh.

Uh, thanks.

Oh, no, it's not an age-related gift.

This is for your leg.

Now, see, I didn't really
go to the age thing,

but now that you say it, there it is.

CAROL: Hey, Gail?

Oh, you two are talking.

Sorry. Don't want to interrupt.

Oh, Carol, it's okay. Come hang out.

CAROL: Oh, no.

No, I just noticed that
you weren't at our house.

Of course you're not,
'cause you're right here.

(chuckles) Duh, Carol. Anyway,

I didn't know if you had

left, left, like, did you move out?

'Cause you can. I mean, I don't own you.

I just don't know if
I should strip the bed

or whatever, just stop it, Carol!

GAIL: Carol? Carol.

I'm still staying in there.

Oh, yeah? That's awesome.

Sweet, all right. Cool, well, whatever.

You know, just forget
I even showed up here.

Rewind, right?

(makes rewinding noises)

(rewinding noises continue)

(beeping)

Okay. I know I'm still recovering,

but she's weirder than normal, right?

I really can't tell anymore.

TODD: So this is you, huh?

Ah, and just our luck,

she lived in a -story walk-up.

Hey, Melissa.

Thanks for telling us where you lived,

this is really gonna help us help you.

So, uh, this bringing back
some good memories or...

Todd?

You better come take a look at this.

Ah, God.

TANDY: I know.

I mean, first of all, she's dealing with

the pain of adoption.

And then, they don't let her

into any of their family pictures.

How brutal.

Look what you made, you monsters!

Tandy, she's not adopted.

(Melissa laughs)

You know, Melissa, this is not funny.

Okay? Why won't you let us help you?

We need you to take us to your house.

Good night.

(door closes)

MELISSA: Body in the bed.

(body clunks on floor)

All clear!

Not a very auspicious start.

Yeah, that's probably, uh, how
the Titanic felt, as well.

The movie, you know.

You know, second only to Avatar.

That's a pretty cool thing.

TODD: Tandy?

Tandy! Melissa's gone!

What? Where?

Ju... come on! I-I... come on!

- TANDY: Where? Where?
- I don't know!

TODD: Damn it, we lost her again!

I'm stupid! This is getting ridiculous!

Todd, don't panic, okay?

Not to harp on the Titanic,

but there are solid
lessons to be gleaned there.

Now, you remember that string quartet

and how calm they were
when the ship was sinking?

Tandy, they sank with the ship and d*ed.

Yes, in the movie.

But yeah, no, now I'm talking
about the actual event.

Yeah, they d*ed in that, too.

Oh, they did now?

Huh. Wait, Tandy, loo-look!

Oh, my God, one of my billboards!

No, look at the picture.

(whispers): Oh, my God.

TODD: Melissa?

Melissa?

Oh, hey, look at that.

(chuckling): Nice blazer.

- Blazer? I hardly knew her. Boom.
- Ah.

Okay, let's look for her desk.

Maybe we can figure out where she lives.

All right.

Talk to me, Chartres,

where'd you close those
mother friggin' deals?

Aha! Got it.

Got it, got it, got it.

- All right.
- Okay, in order to find out

where she lives, we got to
get ourselves in the mindset.

Okay, I'm on the phone,
I'm selling houses.

Got a big house on Baltic Avenue,

got a red hotel on Park Place.

Okay, trapped in a
high stakes bidding w*r,

this is gonna be a long day.

Okay, coffee, coffee,
sale. Coffee, sale.

Sale, coffee. Sale, sale.

You know it's a good day when
you got more sales than coffees.

Okay, : rolls around,
the whistle blows,

the foreman yells, "It's quitting time!"

You clean up your desk area.

I crop-dust my boss' office.

They never guess it's me,
'cause I'm a lady in a blazer.

Head for the door.

But where do I go? Got it!

- Hmm?
- Home.

But where is home?

Oh, Tandy, I got it.

- (laughs)
- Of course!

She's a subscriber

to Modern Bathroom
and Kitchen magazine.

It was right in front of
our faces the whole time!

This is gonna lead us right to her.

Now where are the most
modern bathrooms and kitchens?

New York City. Let's go.

- No, Tandy.
- Chicago?

- No, her address is on the magazine.
- Even better!

- New York or Chicago?
- It's Akron.

- Oh, that's handy.
- Yeah.

CAROL: Knock, knock, knock.

Hey.

Tortilla chip delivery.

(chuckles) They're scoops, of course.

Oh, Carol. I don't
need anything special.

Copy that, Gail.

You may have noticed
that I called you Gail?

Rather than Mom. (chuckles)

Because you are obviously not my mom.

And those silly adoption
papers that I drew up,

they were never official.

So...

Gail, just to clarify,

I think what happened is I said,

"Let's be mother and daughter."

And you were like, "You're serious?"

And then you just ran with it
and I was like, "Gail, wait!"

But you were a runaway train.

(laughs) So just know, it
was always Goof City, USA,

population: two ladies
who are not related.

Yeah, okay.

Want a jump?

What?

That burn should hold.

Here you go, just friend.

- Come on, toke it.
- (softly): What?

- Don't. Don't. Stop it.
- Yeah, come on, here you go.

Inhale, just relax.

- Just, go, be...
- Carol, I don't want the damn cigarette!

What are you doing?

What do you mean?

I mean, you're being so fake.

Why are you doing this?

Because I don't want
you to leave me again.

(relieved sigh)

Whites.

Yeah, this is her place.

TANDY (softly): Yeah.

TODD: Look at all this.

Oh, thank God.

(voice breaking): We
got to figure this out.

We got to fix her.

We will, okay?

The answer's in here somewhere.

We'll find it. We'll find it.

(through stereo): ♪ Together
we're gonna find our way ♪

GAIL: What on earth are you doing?

Lock and popping.

Todd showed me how to do it.

It's therapeutic.

♪ To learn all about ♪

We need to talk.

(music stops)

Look, I already know what's happening.

I scared you away

with my extreme Pilbasianity.

My whole life I've
been alienating people.

- Don't think I don't know it.
- Sweet pea,

the whole time I was
in that stupid elevator,

all I thought about was you.

You and

your grammar rules

and your glitter

and your extremely loud outfits

and all the stuff

that I didn't want to be a part of.

Of which you didn't want to be a part.

Yes! Ooh, see?

I hate that! Mm!

But...

that's the woman that I want
to take a family photo with.

My...

daughter.

Wait, what?

Let's take your dumb-ass family photo.

Oh! Okay, well... oh, oh,

we do not have to wear the same outfit.

You know, I'll never
make you do that again.

Carol.

It's a family photo.

Hey.

How's it going?

You find anything?

All I found out was
how much I don't know.

I mean, look at all these pictures.

I've been in a relationship
with this woman for so long,

and I had no idea who she was.

You know, I... I never
knew that she minored

in graphic design or that...

she did missionary work in Uganda.

Skydiving.

Had a Pomeranian.

I mean, there's just a whole life here,

you know, that's just gone.

I'm realizing I never really knew her.

The way things are
going, I'm never, ever

gonna get a chance to.

(sighs)

I'm starting to lose hope, bud.

Hey, I don't want to hear that.

You're the best person I know.

And if I was in Melissa's
situation, you're the person

- I'd want in charge of figuring it out.
- (footsteps approaching)

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

TODD: Melissa?

What did you just do?

What?

Y-You just took a pill.

Oh.

Yeah.

It-It was in your purse.

This?

Yeah.

C-Can you tell me what that is?

I don't know.

Can-Can I have it? Please?

Only one left.

Okay.

All right, let's get you home.

(sighs) Isn't this a gorgeous spot?

This is where Tandy helped me

rediscover hope for the future.

And subsequently where we performed

the loving act for five full minutes.

Well, that's good to know.

It's been under five for a while now.

It's something we're working on.

TMI, Carol.

Oh, "too minimal information"?

(chuckles) Okay.

Well, we've started doing this
thing where, when we disrobe...

Carol!

Let's do the photos.

Okay, say "limburger."

- Burst mode!
- (camera shutter clicking rapidly)

Limburger, limburger,
limburger, limburger, come on!

BOTH: Limburger, limburger,
limburger, limburger,

limburger, limburger, limburger.

(clicks tongue, then sighs)

Eyes closed, mouth open.

Carol, can you just close
your mouth for one second?

Geezy peezy,

Gail, you taking a nap? (chuckles)

Oh, that's nice...

(gasps softly)

Jiminy Glick.