02x07 - A Star is Unborn

[bunniefuu]

Oh...

Oh...

Fran! Niles!

Was it as good for you
as it was for me?

Actually, Niles,
I was faking it.

Hi, Fran.
Oh, hi, sweetie.

Say, some of the kids are going
to the Hamptons for the weekend.

Oh, great. Will there be boys there?

Maybe a few.
Fun. Parents?

Ah, who cares?
They'll just get in the way anyway.

Go, have a blast.
We don't even have to tell your father.

Really?
Oh, sure.

And when I'm fired,
and you're in the convent,

we'll write each other letters
and laugh about this.

But, Maxwell, how can you say
no to working with Philipe?

He's an avant garde genius.
Guilty as charged.

And I've put a new twist
on the tragedy.

We follow Romeo and Juliet to heaven
and have a happy ending.

You're rewriting one of
the greatest love stories of all time?

We're adding a few scenes.
But we're taking out others.

Which ones?
The ones that don't work.

Well, I'm sorry Philipe, but we British
have a thing about mutilating Shakespeare.

The Queen comes and hits
you with her purse.

But I bet you have
a big name to star.

I'm looking for an unknown,
a fresh face with a unique voice.

It's in the medicine chest!

Between the corn pads
and the Monistat Seven!

I've found my Juliet!

What?

Can you imagine anything more ridiculous
than me doing Shakespeare?

Well, yes.
People paying to see it.

Ha-ha. I'll have you know
that in high school,

I played the Reverend Mother
in the Sounds of Music.

I put a low scooped neck
into my nun's habit,

and those hills were alive.

We did the Sound of Music.
I played the Baroness.

It was an all boys school.

Thank God I didn't play the guitar.
I would have been Maria.

Fran, you can't be in the play.
Yeah, who would do our laundry?

Clean our room?
Wait on us hand and foot.

Well, the same person
that always does. Niles.

Besides, if I do it, it would only
be for a couple of weeks.

Actually, I could rehearse
while the kids are at school.

I think not.
Why think you not?

I could use a life outside of
this house. Me, too.

Which is why you should let me go
to the Hamptons. Nice try.

Forget it. Look, Miss Fine,
taking care of the children is a fulltime job.

Oh, and I suppose it was
my idea to have three?

What you do in your spare time
is entirely your own affair.

I'm simply trying to protect you from having
an embarrassing theatrical experience.

We know what that's like,
don't we, sir?

You know, if some people aren't
a little more supportive,

I might omit them from
my Oscar speech.

Tony, Miss Fine. You win a Tony,
not an Oscar.

Actually for an off-Broadway performance,
Miss Fine would win the Obie.

She's not going to win anything.

Well, thank you for
that vote of confidence.

That's it. I'm playing Juliet,
and nothing is going to stop me.

And I'm going to the Hamptons...
Now sit down, Margaret.

Okay.

Okay, Niles, will you play Romeo?

Isn't he too old?

Well, actually, Juliet's supposed to be
my age, so it's not like Fran's...

not perfect for the role.

I warn you, my acting prowess
may blow you off the stage.

They're still talking
about my baroness.

I can't stop thinking about it
and I didn't even see it.

And I spent my summers
in Stratford-Upon-Avon.

I spent my summers selling Avon.

Oh, she doth teach
the torches to burn bright.

It seems she hangs upon
the cheek of night. Niles...Niles...

Yes? What?
Don't I come in here somewhere?

And on and on. Beauty to rich
for youth but a...

All right, back off, Baroness.
And by the way,

you're supposed to dust
the scenery, not chew it.

Well, pity. Show me
how it's done, Mistress Fine.

Well, I will if you'll just shuty upth.

All for a falconer's voice to lure
this tasseled gentile back again.

It's gentle, not gentile.

How the hell should I know?
Did I look down his tights?

I still can't understand why Philipe
would hire Miss Fine to play Juliet?

Oh, please. Only an idiot
would hire her to do anything...

in the theater.

Oh, oh, Mister Sheffield, um,
if you've got a minute, I could use your help.

That's the understatement
of the century.

Meanwhile, if we put an apple
in his mouth, we can have a luau.

Let me see.
Oh, I just love this play.

More torches here. Ah, Sara,
by my fay, it waxes late.

See? That's exactly what
I'm talking about.

Who the hell is Fay and why is
she waxing during a party?

Good luck.

Shall I play Romeo to your Juliet?
Four, three, two... What took you so long?

All right, so now we're
star crossed lovers.

Let's get some physical realism into this,
shall we? Oh, Mister Sheffield.

No, no, I mean, I'm gonna put
you on your balcony. Okay.

All right. Now Juliet is
dreaming of her Romeo. Right.

And she says...
Why me?

Oh, speak again,
bright angel.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo...

Yes, now maybe we could have a little
more lilting. Just a bit more melodic.

Oh, sure, sure, sure. Melodic.

Oh, Romeo? Romeo?

Yeah, just a little too melodic,
I think. Let me show you.

Oh, okay. Sure.
He's gonna show us.

All right. Oh, Romeo, Romeo,
where for art thou, Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Wow. You British guys
really know how to play women.

We, uh, we did
this play in college.

Oh, you must have been
the perfect Romeo.

No. I was Friar Lawrence, actually.

That's the problem going to school
with Jeremy Irons. All right,

let's go on.

Okay. Romeo, doth thy name and...

take all of me.

I take thee at thy word. Call me
but love and I'll be new baptized.

You know, if I were directing this,
I'd go in a whole different direction.

Night, goodnight.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Sleep dwell in thine eyes,
peace in thy breast.

Oh, would I were sleep in peace
so sweet to rest...

You know, because this lovey-dovey stuff
has just been done to death.

You know...

Much better.

Yeah, I, I think I'm starting
to get the hang of it now...

Of course I'm gonna need
a lot of coaching.

Ah-ha! Ah-ha, ha!

I'm Dracula, I'm gonna suck out
all your blood and bury you alive!

You don't scare me. All right,
fine. I'm the C.C. monster,

and I'm gonna marry Dad and
send you away to boarding school!

Children, children, children,

be quiet!

Jeez, Dad, you don't have
to scream about it.

Look, I already sent you
to bed five times.

What are you doing still up?
Well I'm not tired.

Well maybe that has something to do with
the pound of chocolate I told you not to eat.

You know, I think it was the gallon
of cola you told me not to drink.

And what's your excuse?
Well, he took me out.

Obviously, you got out.

Now go on, off to bed, both of you.

Just give me one good reason why
I can't go to the Hamptons.

I won't let you.

Look, Margaret, you're much too young
to go away for the weekend.

By the time Juliet was my age,
she had already gotten married,
had sex, and d*ed.

Well now you see what happens
when you don't listen to your father.

Niles, I'm thinking of changing
the childrens' bedtime. Oh, to when, sir?

Right after school.

I can't believe Miss Fine
isn't back yet.

I can't believe what's
happened to my roast.

It's starting to bear a strange
resemblance to Hume Cronan.

I mean, how much rehearsal
can one person need?

Oh, right. But still.

Oh, hi, guys. For sooth, am I pooped.

Dinner is coming right up.
Oh, Niles, I already ate.

You couldn't have called?

Never mind. Ruined anyway.

Boy, is he moody.
Well, you are rather late.

What are you two?
On the same cycle?

What's the problem?
Oh, you couldn't handle the kids?

Oh, don't make me laugh.

What do you think the minute you leave
the entire house falls apart?

Oh, oh...
No, don't go in there.

Why not? Well, use the back stairs.
They're closer.

No, they're not. Yes, they are.
Are not. Are so. I measured.

Okay. Too slow... Oh...

Oh my God!

Oh, this place looks worse than when my mother
ransacked my bedroom looking for my diary.

Well, I was looking for my glasses.
What'd you have a reading emergency?

So, what were you doing all evening?
I was at rehearsal.

Well I called. Rehearsal
was over at eight.

Well, we went out after.
Ahh... Who's "we"?

Oh, you know, Romeo, Macuseo, Tebilt.

The g*ng.

Oh, I'm sorry.
It was an accident.

So was that.

Boy, you leave the house for a couple hours,
you come back and it's a pig sty.

Yeah, well, maybe if you had been here,
your children wouldn't have been running amuck!

Oh, so when they're sweet, adorable
angels, they're your children.

And when they're amuck, they're mine.
Well, you are the nanny!

And that's all you want me to be!

Oh, good god, now I'm getting
one of my headaches.

You know what I think?
You are jealous

because Philipe discovered something
that was right under your nose.

And what would that be exactly?
My star quality.

That's rather like
discovering the atomic b*mb.

Sounds good in theory,
but millions will suffer.

Well that's it.
I'm going home to my mother.

No, don't bother!
I'm sleeping on the couch!

What... If we're splitting up,
I get Niles!

You couldn't afford him!
Not on what you pay me!

It's always the butler who suffers.

Oh...

I'm working.

Pretend I'm not here.
That's how I get through the day.

Oh, hello, Niles.
Hm-hmm.

Would you mind telling Mister Sheffield
that I'm going to rehearsal.

Unless, of course, he'd like me
to sit by his feet and peel him a grape.

Well, that's my job.
But you can wave the fan.

Well, you can tell the nanny that I wouldn't
dream of standing in the way of her aspirations,

no matter how ludicrous they might be.

Well, tell Mister Sheffield
that I am a grown woman,

and can find fulfillment
anyway I choose.

And that he is a doodyhead.

To synopsis, sir, you are a doodyhead.

So that's the one you choose to repeat.
Translator's prerogative.

I don't think I've ever met a more
infuriating, irritating woman.

Hello, hello.

Think hard, sir.

I just heard the most
delicious news.

Well, why don't you run make a friend
and tell them all about it.

Philipe needs a tax write-off,
so he wants the show to flop.

That's why he cast Nanny Fine,
to guarantee a total disaster.

I knew it! Ha!
I knew she had no talent.

People will be walking out
in the middle of her performance.

Just like one of your dates.

Well, we, we can't tell her.
She'll be crushed.

I know.

On the other hand, if, if I don't tell her,
then she'll be publicly humiliated opening night.

I know. It's a win-win situation.

Maggie, if you wanna go to the Hamptons,

you're gonna have to ask your father
when he's watching Masterpiece Theater.

Yes. Just when his chin drops
down to his chest,

but before he starts snoring.

Yeah, sure.
That's how I got my raise.

We're doing the dance scene!
Places, everybody!

Oh, Maggie, I gotta go. I gotta go
plunge a Kn*fe into my heart.

Oh boy, I'm sounding more like
my mother every day.

Oh, uh, Philipe, I gotta ask you a question.
I don't know what my motivation is here.

Why does Juliet k*ll herself?

Because without her Romeo
she has no reason to live.

Oh. Could tell this play was
written by a man.

I don't know how she got this part.
Well, she must be sleeping with him.

I slept with him.
I got two lines.

I got Romeo.

Okay. Romeo?

Drink your poison...

Here's to my love.

Thy dr*gs act quick,
thus with a kiss...

I die.
Now Juliet awakens.

Oy, what a night!

Oh, Romeo, I see poison.

I see poison has been
your timeless end.

Oh, churl...

Oh happy dagger, this is thy sheath.

There rust and let me die.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

Oh, oh, oh, hey, hey, oh...

Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Oh, oh, oh...

She's perfect. This play will
die faster than she does.

Oh, oy...

And now, Romeo and
Juliet ascend to heaven.

Oh, my lord Romeo,
I follow thee to heaven.

Whoa... Whoa...

Oy, hey, you guys.
Heaven art that-a-way.

Oh, oh...

Wow, hey... Oh, oh, hey, oh, whoa...

Oh boy, don't worry. I'm okay.

Oh, but it looks like Romeo's got
quite a wedgie going on up there.

Oy...

Hi...

Hi... Gee, you know,
that harness really chafes.

Boy, that Mary Martin must have
had a hide like a rhino.

Hey, I know you.

Well, I have done six Broadway
shows and several national tours.

No, no, it was a commercial.

You're the Less Than Fresh girl.

Oh, Mister Sheffield.

No, please...
People, people, please!

Come on, back off! Get away!

Let the man breathe.
Give him some air. Jeez...

God, she's sleeping with everybody.

Watch. Next year
she'll have her own sitcom.

Miss Fine, I, I owe you an apology.

You owe me an apology? Oh, yeah, right.

I was selfish and thoughtless
and I'm extremely sorry.

Oh, thank you, Mister Sheffield.

I'm sorry I called you a doodyhead.

Apology accepted.

You know, we shouldn't fight anymore.
It's so hard on Niles. Yeah, I know.

Listen, I, uh, I need to talk to you
about this play. Maybe you better sit down.

Oh, okay. I think I know what
you're gonna say though.

No, I doubt that.
Yes, I do.

You're gonna say that you and the kids really
need me at home, and the mansion is a mess.

And I don't belong in this play and
well, you'd be absolutely right.

I would? Yeah. Isn't that
what you were gonna say?

Oh, yes. Yes. That was exactly
what... Yes. You read my mind.

Oh, clairvoyance runs in my family.

I got an Aunt Paula that
predicted Hurricane Andrew.

For the first time in history,
there wasn't a single Jew on Miami Beach.

Come on. I'm gonna take you home.

I just hope that Philip
isn't too disappointed.

I mean, he really was counting on me.

Well, Miss Fine, a talent like yours
doesn't come along every day.

True. But you know, between you,
me and the pillars,

that Philipe is not
the greatest director in the world.

And if I'm gonna make
my big Broadway debut,

I should do it right, in one
of your plays. Right. Um...

Now, back to Masterpiece
Theater, Part Twentysix,

The Lords of Thisbee.

Psst, Maggie, make your move.

Hi, Dad.
Hello.

Are you asleep?
Uh, yeah...

Are you gonna let me go to
the Hamptons? Sure, honey.

When Miss Fine gets her next raise.

Oh, ever since Alistare Cooke
left he doesn't sleep as well.

Lunch!

Oh, good.

Hello. People?

Oh, people?

Where for art thou everyone?

Hello? Oy...