02x10 - The Whine Cellar

[bunniefuu]

Hello, my name is Maggie Sheffield,
and I'm a total geek.

You are so immature.
/ Yeah, Brighten, you're so immature.

Ha, ha, ha.

Miss Fine, you're mother's ?

Isn't she stretching
the truth just a tad?

Please, the only thing stretched
more is Clinton's bicycle shorts.

Fifty billion served and
that's the white house.

Gee, I wonder
if my daughter Fran is at home.

I will see if she is.

Come on, kids, get ready.

Fran, how come we're practicing
the surprise party? Then it
won't be a surprise.

Oh, sweetie, at your age
a surprise is a big thrill.

At her age, they're already rubbing
two paddles together and yelling clear.

Surprise!
/ Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Ma, I hope you fake
it better with daddy.

I was his first.
What does he know?

Excuse me, Miss Sylvia,
I just want to double-check the menu.

Meat balls, cocktail franks,
cheese puffs --

is there some reason you don't
want your family to handle silverware?

Darling, don't you know?

If it's on a toothpick,
it's not fattening. / Oh ...

Yeah, my Aunt Frita
uses two like chopsticks.

She looks like a very heavily
made-up praying mantis.

Are there going to be any boys
my age at this party?

Maybe we can fix her up
with little Cousin Irvie.

Oh, he's a nice boy with
a wonderful personality.

Oh, Yeah, good idea, Ma. Is he still
ringing the bill at Notre Dame?

Don't worry, don't worry. When I see
him coming, I'll give you a very subtle sign.

Ah, there's the birthday girl.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you're such
a doll letting us have my party here.

You know, we only have
one toilet and, um,

Morty's brothers are all coming.

Oh, oh, that reminds me. Sweetie,
go put an Airwick Solid in every bathroom.

So, Miss Babcock, are you coming
to my surprise party?

I'm afraid not.
/ And it's just k*lling us.

We're taking the train to Gene
Shallots for the weekend.

Gene Shallot ... Hoo-ha.

Is he sexy or what?

Ma, Gene Shallot sexy?

Oh, you gotta stop inhaling
when you spray your hair.

They're having a little gathering
before the Tony nominations.

Maxwell and I are sharing a guest
cottage right by the water.

How convenient, sir, should you
want to drown yourself.

Oh, Miss Fine, here.

Allow me to contribute this exquisite
Chanbertin to your mother's party.

Maxwell, I thought this wine was
for our weekend.

I don't think the Fines would
appreciate a vintage Burgundy.

Yes, we're very big
on vintage beverages.

In our storage bin we've got a case
of Tab from the Bay of Pigs.

All right. Maxwell, I'll meet
you at the station.

I want to pick up the perfect
hostess gift for the Shallots.

What do you think would just make
their weekend? / Miss the train.

This will be a great party, a bunch of
-year-old ladies pinching my cheeks.

Learn to love it. That's as close
to a woman as you'll ever get.

I have two words for you.
Cousin Irvie.

Just think of this party as
an educational experience.

Pretend you're Dian Fossey
observing the gorillas.

Just don't get too close when they eat.
You could lose a hand that way.

What's all that gunk
at the bottom of the bottle?

Um, honey, that's the best part.
It's the wine concentrate.

Oh, my God. What are you doing
with Mr. Sheffield's best Burgundy?

I'm making a sangria.

Does it need more Equal?

Two more packs.

Oh, Miss Fine, using that
wine to make sangria

is like asking Pavarotti
to sing "Muscrat Love."

He should only have the career
Captain and Tonille.

Oh, kids, before I forget, go dig out
my Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass album.

I really want this party to cook.

Oh, Niles, I thought
that you made dip.

I did. That's portobello mushrooms,
shallots, and chives.

Oh, now, I'm going to have to go to
the store and get some onion soup mix.

Oh, I had to get the Pringles anyway.

Cheer up. Did I mention my Cousin
Sophie is coming today?

Don't tell me. She's smart and has
a wonderful personality.

No. She's dumb as a post,
but she's built like a brick --/ Say no more.

Just give me a subtle signal.

Where's Maxwell? / Oh, I thought
he was meeting you at the station.

He already left.
/ Niles!

I called and said that
I would pick him up here.

I told you to give
him the message.

Oh, I thought you said
give him a message.

I didn't think that was appropriate.

I'm not going to let anything
bother me this weekend.

As long as I'm here, I might as
well pick up a little wine.

Put Maxwell in the mood. Did I tell
you we have a private compartment?

And tonight there's a full moon.

Well, I hope she packed
a lot of Nair.

Luck be a lady tonight.

Luck if you've ever been
a lady to begin with,

luck be a lady to --

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, no.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I can't
believe this has happened.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha. Ahhhhhhh.

Okay, there must be another
way out of here.

Miss Babcock, I OD'd on the Equal.
Could you pass me another bottle of Burgundy?

Oh, Nanny Fine, I love you.

You fool ...

Boy, do you blow hot and cold.

You know, a lot of women go through their
change early. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

You let the door close and now
we're trapped in here,

and I'm going to miss my train.
/ Okay, calm down. Don't panic.

Maybe I can fix it. Geez ...

No ... Help! Help! Help! Help!!!

Save it. No one's going to hear you.
This was originally built as a b*mb shelter.

Hey, don't underestimate
the power of these adenoids.

I once had next door neighbors
that moved closer to the airport.

Hey, this room is very small,
isn't it?

Why? Are you claustrophobic?
/ Oh, thank you.

Now you put it in my head,

and I'm reliving --
Loeman's -- dressing room

-- big sale -- naked
women all screaming

"Where did you find that?"

I was clinging to
my mother's girdle.

Dimples, dimples, everywhere.

And not one on the face.

And then, and then, and then ...

Look, an alarm box.
You know, if we cut the wires,

we can trip the system and
the cops will come and find us.

What have you got?

Ah ... Nail clippers!
/ Excellent ...

Well, either that alarm
is way too subtle

or

I cut the fan off.

And now we can't breathe.
Oh, by the way ...

What did you do that for?

Weren't you hysterical?
/ No.

Oh, my mistake.

Remember, when she walks in,

we all yell "Surprise."

Why?

Because it's your daughter's
th birthday.

? She's got brassieres
older than that.

If she's , then I'm --

what do you know, she's .

I wonder if my daughter
Fran is home?

I will see if she is.

Surprise!

Will you wait till she walks in.

Oh, my God.

I had no idea.

Look at me. We were on our way
to see "Shore Shank Redemption."

Schmooze, come meet
your Uncle Stanley.

What are you talking about?

Just go along with me.

Stan, look, Schmooze, you haven't
seen him since he was this tall.

He's getting bar mitzvahed
while you're on your cruise.

Sorry I'm going to miss it.

Here. This is from me
and your Aunt Cookie.

Oh, thank you very much.

We split everything / .

Oh, I can't believe
I'm missing the party.

I mean how often does your mother
turn ? Two, three times?

Here, have a drink.
It'll calm you down.

I don't drink.

What do you do when
you're tense? / Hair.

What?
/ I do hair.

Don't even think about it.

Fine.

Ninety-nine bottles
of beer on the wall,

ninety-nine bottles of beer --

Can you do a nice
little French twist?

So severe you want?
Well, let me see what I can do.

So tell me, what's doing?

I can't believe this is happening.

This was supposed to be
the weekend when Maxwell and I ...

Go ahead. I'm listening.

Well, last time we came this close.
/ Uh-huh. Tilt.

We were coming back from
a production in Sidney

when our plane had to make
an emergency landing in the Fiji Islands.

It was off season so it was deserted.
Well, you can use your imagination.

Paint me a picture.
Pretend, I can't.

We were in the bar;
we'd had a few cocktails.

Maxwell had that look
in his eye. / Uh-huh.

Well, he was too much of
a gentleman.

Let me get this straight.

He was drunk; you were
the only woman on a deserted island,

and he still didn't touch you ...

And you thought Gene Shallot
was going to get him in the mood.

I'm very worried about Fran.

Maybe she stopped
to get your present?

She already gave me one.

What did you get me?

Did you forget, Ma?

Forget my little girl?
Don't insult me.

It's out there with
all the other presents.

Oh, Ma ...

Pssssss.

Get out there and put this
on the biggest box.

Mint Chocolate Chip,

Jamoca Almond Fudge,

Pralines and Cream,

that's it. That's .

Oh, my God. They lied.

Why? Thirty's a lot.
Is so catchy?

Oh, wait a minute.
I forgot the sherberts.

All right.
I'll start again.

Vanilla --
/ Stop it!

You know, this reminds me of when Blair
and Tootie got caught in
Mrs. Garrett's walk-in freezer.

Thank God Natalie went in for
a midnight snack. Surprise, surprise.

These are the topics
we can no longer discuss.

What Woolite can and cannot do.

Anyone with the last name Cassidy,

odd shaped moles on Eastern Europeans.

All right. Okay, but you're really
restricting the conversation.

Meanwhile, look how gorgeous
your hair looks.

I got one word for you.

Styrofoam.

But that's not biodegradable.
/ Who's asking you to eat it?

Hi. / Hi

What are you doing hiding
over here by yourself?

Well, actually, I'm trying to avoid
running into this geek, Irvie.

I'm Maggie.
/ I'm Irvie.

Good, Lord.

What are you doing home?

Niles, what is going on here?
Look at this place. Where's Miss Fine?

Oh, she's missing.
/ Missing?

Ssshhh. Keep your voice down, sir.
I don't want to alarm anyone.

This is very strange, Niles.
Miss Babcock's gone missing too. / Yippee!

Why won't you play truth or dare?
/ Because all your truths are so boring.

Come on ...
/ No.

I'll let you do my makeup.
/ Okay.

Okey-dokey. Ask me.
/ Truth or dare.

Um, I pick truth.

Okay, if you could spend
the night with anyone,

who would it be? We both know.
Game's over. Suck in your cheeks.

You never know.
My answer may surprise you.

All right. sh**t.

It's Maxwell.

Get out of town.

Well, to think that right now we could
both be lying in front of a fire,

my head on his chest,
him gently stroking my hair.

Honey, take some deep breaths.
You're running out of oxygen.

You're right. Who am I kidding?
He doesn't care about me.

My therapist says
I'm obsessed with him.

How much did you have to
pay to find that out?

If only he weren't
so darn attractive.

He is cute.
/ Tell me about it.

That little gray streak in his hair
just makes me want to hummmm.

Now, you see, that would be
the first thing I'd get rid of.

Too Pepy LePew.

Have you ever seen him in
a bathing suit? / No. Aha!

Too bad.

I've seen him naked, though.
Does that count?

When? / Oh, relax. It was an accident.
I walked in on him in the shower.

Forget it. He locks now.

The truth is he's ruined me
for other men, you know?

You? Next to Mr. Sheffield,

all the guys that I date seem
like real morons.

Gee, I wonder if that's cause
all the guys that I date are morons?

At least you date. I'm going to wake up
one morning a dried-up old spinster.

Quiet. Wait.

Oh, if that didn't bring Niles down,
we're doomed.

Who cares. I might as well die.
Then I can at least haunt Maxwell.

And don't think I won't be shaking
a few chains in the butler's pantry.

Stop it. You're scaring me.

Oh, who cares, Nanny Fine, face it,

get out of this house while you can,
or you're going to end up just like me.

No!

Oh, there you are. We've been
looking all over for you.

Hey, stand back. Stay away from us,
you destroyer of girls' lives.

What? / Go, tell him, sister.

Maxwell, thank God ...

She never shuts up.

She's been saying
the most terrible things about you.

Ladies, ladies, calm down. Let's go upstairs
where we can talk about this.

You're obviously very shaken
after your ordeal --

Cee Cee, have you done
something with your hair?

Miss Babcock ...
/ What?

You left your purse.

Darling, this was
the best party ever.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

You know, next year I think we should
invest in a new "Happy th Banner."

This one says "Vote Dukakis"
on the back.

Good night.
/ Good night.

So, Niles, did you let it out?
/ Yes. And the villagers were not happy.

Meanwhile, where have
you been for the last hour?

So you met my Cousin Sophie,
nice, huh? / Yousa!

Oh, come on, Yetta,
Daddy's honking.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

And if you find
a nice diamond cocktail ring,

you could send it
to me at the home.

Yetta, you don't
have a diamond cocktail ring.

I'm just saying if you find one.

Some night, huh?
/ What?

Well, I just can't help thinking about you
and Miss Babcock being stuck together.

I mean, what on earth did
you find to talk about?

Oh, you know, this and that.
Your hair came up.

Really? / Yeah, she don't like it.
She thinks you look like Pepy LePew

Miss Fine, can I tell you
something in confidence?

It's, it's about Miss Babcock.
/ I'm all ears.

Well, I, I rather think
she has a thing for me.

Get out of town.

Well, since we're exchanging
confidences, she did mention

that close encounter on Fiji.

Oh, I remember that.
/ Cocktails in the bar?

No, quinine at the British Consulate.
I was taken deathly ill.

They rushed me to the hospital.
I was delirious for days.

Well, apparently delirium
ran rampant on that trip.

Beg your pardon?
/ Oh, nothing.

I'm just sorry that you had to miss
your weekend at Gene Shallot's.

Actually, I felt like
I was there.

Your Aunt Ida bears
a striking resemblance to him.

You know, I told her,
if she was going to dye her hair,

do the mustache too.

That's for you

and for me.

Hey, you said / .
That's not fair.

Let's talk fair. You live in a mansion.
I live in a home.

You got your whole life ahead of you.
I got one, two weeks tops.

You can eat corn.
Here, let me show you something.

Oh, take it. Take it all.