02x15 - Kindervelt Days

[bunniefuu]

Oh, wow, look at
all these memories.

Ma could never throw
anything of mine away.

Darling, get all
your crap out of here.

I'm converting the storage room
into a den for your father.

Ma, this is a den by you?

Why don't you just strap him to the wall
and slap an iron mask on his face?

You kids, we're not into that.

Oh, look, my old
stewardess costume.

For Halloween, I went as Karen Black
from "Airport ' ."

"Oh, my God, the pilot's
been sucked out."

Oh, wow, these are cool.

Oh, my old platforms.

Oh, I used to boogie, yoogie, yoogie till
I just couldn't boogie no more.

Ohhhh ... You want?

Sure.

Oh, look, your father's first piece.

He loved Ringo.

Oh, it takes me back.

Now, sing,

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Ma, look at this.

This is my win a date
with Erik Estrada entry form.

You were supposed
to mail this in .

All right.
Give it to me.

I've got a tax form from
' that's gotta go.

Fran, how come all
these kids are green?

Oy, my camp picture got moldy.

Oh, please, let this be a fat year.

Oh, what difference does it make,
that stupid Judy Silverman

always jumped in front of me
every time I went to take a picture.

She was so threatened by me.

Why? Because you were
prettier than her?

Well, yeah, that, and also because
I actually threatened her.

She always had to be
one up on me, you know.

I mean, sometimes she succeeded,

sometimes an ex-lax in hot cocoa
kept her out of cold water.

Yow, this is scary. Look, it's a naked picture
of that guy from "Evening Shade."

Oh,

gross.

Oh, my Burt Reynolds'
"Cosmo" centerfold.

Darling, that's mine.
/ No, Ma, you laminated yours.

No, I didn't.
/ Yes, you did.

Oh, well, I guess that's
more than Lonnie got.

Okay, Fran, where do you want these?

Oh, my old school books.

"Looking for Mr. Goodbar,"
"Valley of the Dolls,"

"Intro to Chemistry"?
How'd that get in there?

What exactly are a person's loins and
how do you get them to quiver?

Give me that.

You know what?
Stick this in my closet.

Better yet, put it under my bed.

Oh, Niles, look at what I brought home.
Doesn't it smell real?

You mean it's not?

No. You know what the secret is.

You dust it with Lemon Pledge.

Why don't you take it and put it in
your room. Cheer it up a little bit.

Oh, that's really nice.

Meanwhile, what are you wearing to
the Camp Kindervelt reunion?

Oh, I'm not going to that.

I don't need Judy Silverman rubbing her gorgeous,
successful, handsome, rich husband in my face.

Maybe she's still single?

Oh, Val. You're confusing
her with us.

Judy was already narrowing
the groom side to thirty

while we were still bobbing in
the lake shouting "Marko, Polo."

So you're not going to go?

Not unless I can go on the arm of
a drop-dead, gorgeous guy.

Hello. Tell Georgio I love his suits
but I am not posing for "GQ."

I'm a businessman,
not a bloody model.

Wouldn't hurt if he was loaded either.

And what would I do with
another Lamborghini?

Hey, why don't you ask
Mr. Sheffield to take you?

Oh, Val, where do you come up
with these ideas?

Why not? It's just a favor.
He's a friend, and you'd do for him.

You know, you're right. He's always
schlepping me to those premieres.

I'm in and out of those limos. I have to
remember all those names -- Donald, Marla ...

Woody, Mia. I had to write
Soon-yi's name on my wrist.

Fran, these shoes fit great.
/ Oh, good, honey, I'm glad.

Gee, I love those platforms.
I wonder why I stopped wearing them?

I'm okay!

Maxwell, it's freezing out here.

Quit smoking, Cee Cee, and
you can come inside ...

Niles, get that hideous thing
off the terrace, would you?

Mr. Sheffield wants you to
get off the terrace.

Oh, Maxwell, why can't
I smoke inside?

Cee Cee, if you want to ruin your
own health, that's your own business,

but Niles is allergic.
/ Oh.

Hi, Mr. Sheffield.
/ What do you want?

Nothing. Can't a friend come in
and say hello to another friend?

Hello, friend.

You're sitting on John Malcovich.

I don't hear him complaining.

Get up.

Now I forgot what I came
in here to ask you.

Oh, yeah, ah, my camp is having
a big reunion this weekend.

What are you doing Friday night?

Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday,
Friday, Friday, Friday. Oh,

meeting of the Tony committee, what a shame.
Blast, if it was any other night.

Oh, lucky you, it's really Saturday.

A blind man in New Jersey saw
that one coming, sir.

Miss Fine, I hate reunions.
I didn't even go to my own at Eaton.

Oh, yes, you did, sir.
Don't you remember?

You were sulking in the corner because
everyone was kissing Jeremy Irons' ass...

perin, Q-Tips, and Chapstick. Well,

I'm off to the drug store.

Come on, Mr. Sheffield,
what do you say? / Good-bye?

Oh, I can't believe this. After
all the favors that I've done for you.

You schlepp me on that yacht
on a Sunday yet,

all the way up to Newport just so you and
the kids can hang out with Clous,

meanwhile I'm upstairs with Sunny,
the woman doesn't say two words ...

Oh, can you believe I actually considered
calling my ex-fiance Danny

to see if he'd take me
to this reunion?

Oh, how low can I stoop?
What are you doing Saturday night?

As cute a couple as we'd make,
I have a date with a sure thing.

Just don't leave your
wallet on the dresser.

Fran, I hung your psychopathic
poster in my room.

That's psychedelic, honey.

Yeah, Niles, in the old days,
you could hallucinate a date.

Oh, God, Andrew Lloyd Webber's
done it again.

Just got the rights to a show
I've been after for years.

You know, just for once,
Niles, I'd love to top him.

Well, now, you know how Miss Fine
feels about Judy Silverman.

I'm sorry, sir. I know it hurts,
but it's my job.

Oh, all right, I suppose it would be very
thrilling for her to walk in with me.

Your blue shirt is back
from the cleaners.

Oh, no, Niles that's much too here I am,
Mr. Big Famous Producer.

I think the, the green tweed, that's
very smart. / Good choice, sir.

Oh, you know, there's no time to take it
to the cleaners. You'll have to press it yourself.

Oh, fix the lining in the right sleeve,
would you, oh,

and mend the buttons.
Just snazz it up a bit.

Did you say the green
tweed, sir?

Don't you think it makes
you look rather --

Rather what?
/ Toughie.

Nice try, Niles. I'm wearing
the green tweed. Go on. Get on it.

Niles doesn't have anything else to do.
He can go upstairs and snazz it up.

Oh, how do you keep from twisting
your ankle in those things?

Oh, you don't. That's what bell
bottoms were for, to hide the swelling.

What's this for?
/ Oh, that's my disco whistle.

Twirl that chandelier.

I'm looking for some hot stuff,
baby, this evening.

Woop. Woop. Hot stuff,
baby, tonight.

I'm looking for some hot stuff ...

Fran?

I'll get it.

Hi / Hi.

I'm looking for a Fran Fine.

Oh, hi, Ponch.

Ponch? Whoa!

Oh, my.

You are muy bonita. / Gracias.

Wow! Great smile. / Oh, don't look
at it directly. It's like an eclipse.

So, are you here to see Mr. Sheffield?
/ No, Fran. He's here to see you.

We sent him your old "win a date
with Erik Estrada" entry form.

My manager thought it would be a fun thing
to do, you know, for publicity.

Don't you have a big reunion
tomorrow night? / Yeah.

Well, I'm the hombre who's taking you.

Oh, my God. This is...amazing.

It's like a dream.
How could this be?

We told him how desperate you were.

Oh, thank you.

Well, then, I'll see you
tomorrow night. / Okay.

Oh, by the way, is it formal? / Oh, Erik,
whatever you wear will be just fine.

You wouldn't happen to have your old Chips
uniform -- oh, no, that would be a push.

That would be a push. Adios.

Hasta spumonte, baby.

Oh, is he caliente or what?

Oh, thank you, guys. You're wonderful.
I love you. I've gotta go call Val.

Hold onto your hat, Miss Fine. I've decided
I will escort you to your reunion.

Val, sit. You are not going to believe
who's taking me to the reunion.

Judy Silverman will die.
/ Well, she may be a little impressed.

Well, he's gorgeous; he's foreign, and he's got
a head of hair that you can lose a hand in.

Well ...

I'm going with Erik Estrada.
/ Who?

No, Val, this is not like the time that I said
I was going out with Jan Michael Vincent. Bye.

Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.

I see you're wearing
a green tweed jacket.

Yes. Why?

Oh, just makes you look a little ...

tubby.

Um, Niles, what's the occasion?

It's for you. Congratulations
on quitting smoking.

Oh, Niles, you know, when you quit smoking,
you have to be very careful not to gain weight.

Oh, really?

Last time I quit, I gained pounds.

Eclairs are ready.

Oh, only six more hours
to Erik Estrada.

Mr. Sheffield wants to see you.

Oh, well, that can only mean one thing,
I'll take the back stairs.

Miss Fine ...
/ What have you got me low-jacked?

We have a problem.

Why do you always go straight to me?
Niles could have done it.

Yep, Niles is no angel.

Brighten's English teacher
FAXed this over.

The assignment was to write from
personal experience. Read it.

"Isabell, how do I describe Isabell?

She was part woman, part little girl?

I felt her heaving bossom in my --" oy.

Well, what are you looking at me for?
The only Isabell I know is Sanford.

And if Brighten is fantasizing about Weezie,
this problem is bigger than both of us.

I have to get back to work.

See this is rewritten by Monday,
would you, Miss Fine?

Oh, but I don't feel like doing
homework on the weekend.

You-who, Miss Babcock,

tea time.

Doesn't this Ponch character do anything
on this show but ride a motorcycle?

Well, there does seem to be a crime wave
involving big-busted women in halter
tops driving corvettes.

This is absurd. There are more closeups of
his rear end than of his partner's face.

That's the way
I would have directed it.

Stop it, Cee Cee, you've been driving
me crazy all week. Now smoke.

Maxwell, I am wearing the patch.

If I light a cigarette right now,
my heart will stop.

Oh, I can't even breathe.

I can't believe this. My hair came
out too big. My dress is too small.

Really? I think it's a little subdued.
/ Ohhhh.

I'd go up another inch or two.

Oh, Dad, you see his Harley?
It's so cool.

It's like the beginning of the wild one.
/ What are they so excited about?

I rode a motorcycle too,
remember, at Eaton?

I believe that was a mo-ped, sir,

with a grocery basket on the front.

Well, it was bloody
good on the curves.

Wow, Fran.
/ Hi, Erik.

You look great.

That dress is almost as tight
as my "Chips" uniform.

Buenos nachos.

I'd like you to meet my mother
from Frito-Lay,

and this is my boss Maxwell Sheffield,
the big famous producer.

Miss Fine, I'm sure he knows
who I am. / No.

What TV shows have you done?
/ None. I produce theater.

So how'd you get the house?

You know, mosquitos aren't so bad.

Tastes like chicken. / Hi, Fran.

Attention all campers,
look who I've got.

Fran, it's really Erik Estrada.
I'm dying. mOh ...

You look gorgeous. / Oh, thanks.

Take off the helmet. / No.

Fran, you can't wear a helmet
all night.

Why? Madonna wears two traffic
cones strapped on her chest.

Fran ...

Oh, all right.

Did I deflate? I gotta see.

Well, Fran, seems your friends
got a big kick out of this,

but I gotta split. It was great
meeting you, though.

Wait a minute. Where are you going?
Judy Silverman hasn't even shown up yet.

I'm taking my wife and kids to see
"Beauty and the Beast."

Didn't they tell you?
/ I never met your wife and kids.

I meant my manager. You know,
this was all publicity.

Oh, right, of course.

Well, it was nice meeting you, and thank you
for coming, and enjoy the show.

Bye-bye. Adios. I like
the blond guy better.

Come on, Val, let's get out of here before
that stupid Judy Silverman ... Hi ...

Fran ...
/ Judy ...

So, you here alone?
/ Me, alone? Yeah, right.

Uh-huh. Wait right here.
You gotta meet my fiance.

Great. I won't budge.
Let's get the hell out of here.

All right. Don't run off, now.
I want to meet your guy too.

Oh, Val, here's a twenty.

Give it to the janitor. Tell him
to run a comb through his hair.

Too late. Here they come.

This is Fran.
/ Hi.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

So, where's your guy?

My guy? My guy?

We're talking about my guy.

Well, to tell you the truth, Judy ...

Hello, darling.
/ Huh?

You're her date?

Well, I'm not sure that date
would be the right word.

We've been living together
for what, over a year now.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, did you remember to turn
the alarm on, honey.

The mansion next door to ours
was robbed. It was so scary.

Well, this is Blake Glickman, my fiance.
We're very much in love.

Well, pleased to meet you.
Maxwell Sheffield.

How do you do -- Maxwell Sheffield?

I was in one of your revivals,

" trombones led the big parade,

with a Coronets
Close At Hand."

That's where I met Kent.

That's the last time I feed your
cat when you're on the road.

Boy, are their kids going
to be good looking.

Miss Fine, what about a little
turn around the dance floor?

Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
/ Fran?

Val, I'll dance with you later.
I promise.

Mr. Sheffield,
what are you doing here?

Well, just after you left,
Mr. Estrada's publicist called

to confirm dinner reservations
for after the show.

So I thought maybe you'd have some room
left on your dance card.

Oh, aren't you a doll.

You look lovely tonight.

Even with the hair?
/ Oh, I like it?

You can actually
see over your head.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'll never forget
that you did this for me tonight.

Well, I know how much
it meant to you.

Mr. Sheffield, you are quite
a little dancer there.

Everyone's staring at us.

What do you say we give them
an eyefull, huh? / Okay.

Oh, I remember when I had to
get rid of my stuff

when they turned my room into a den.

Val, you're still living at home.
/ I know,

you'd think they'd wake me so I could
get off the pool table before they break.

Thank God they installed a wet bar.
At least you can shower.