02x16 - Canasta Masta

[bunniefuu]

Man, do they realize how many times
they could have gotten off this island
if it weren't for Gilligan?

Why don't they just k*ll him?

Just because a person is a useless pest
doesn't mean they deserve to die.

Hello, hello. Of course
that's not written in stone.

Brighten, are you still sitting here?

Doesn't Miss Fine have anything to say
about you wasting all day watching television?

Did Lovey redecorate the hut yet?

Miss Fine, why has Brighten been watching
this "Gilligan" show all morning?

Well, it's a marathon.

Plus, we want to see when they change
the theme song from "All the Rest"
to "The Professor and Marianne ..."

Brighten, don't you have
any interest in a team sport?

Only as an owner.

Oh, I don't know. I just don't
understand it, Miss Fine.

When I was his age, I was already
captain of the water polo team.

Water polo? What do
you swim with horses?

What happens when they raise
their tails? Look out.

Aspirin, Ibuporfen,
or shall I just surprise you?

You know what? I gotta go
into Queens anyway.

Why don't I just take Brighten
with me to the batting cages.

A lot of guys always hang out that.
I know I always had fun.

You played baseball?
Yeah.

I just wish Brighten was interested in
some of the sports I played.

Look, you can't make your kid
like what you like.

My mother always made me go
with her to her ballet classes.

Your mother took ballet?
What must that have been like?

Picture the hipopotamuses
in "Fantasia."

Hi, Ma. Well,
so much for sports.

Brighten got hit with a ball.

Oh, those batting cages
are so dangerous.

You could put an eye out.

He wishes.
Ohhhhhhh ...

You want grandma
to kiss the boo-boo?

Isn't it enough I got
one kid in therapy?

Honey, go in and watch the "Gilligan"
marathon with my father.

If it looks like he's wearing lipstick,
it's just the pistachio nuts.

Morty, the boy's coming in.
Do up your pants.

Sweetheart, we gotta talk to you
about the canasta tournament.

Oh, I'm so excited about
going to Atlantic City.

But I'm not rooming with Gert.
It's one thing to think you're Madonna.

It's a whole another thing to wear
your Depends on the outside.

Don't worry.
We're out of the tournament.

Gert moved. Her youngest bought
a mother-daughter condo in Florida.

Why? I mean, how nice.

Now we don't have a fourth.

I'll look in my phone book.
Maybe I can find someone else.

Tessie Fink, she's good.
Ma, she's dead.

She is? I just saw her in temple.

Didn't you think it was odd that
you were sitting in a chair

and she was lying in a box?

Oh, I thought they got
that for her back.

Morty's nauseous. He says he wants
the leftover Chinese food to settle his stomach.

Morty, it's been in there a week.
Do you want to end up in intensive care?

You ate it for breakfast, Ma?
Yeah.

She doesn't even bother
to warm it up.

She sticks her fork in,
pulls the carton off,

and eats it like a giant Chinese
Dove bar. Ahhhhh ...

So tell me, what episode
are they up to?

Ah, Marianne thinks she's Ginger.

Oh, and she cut down all Ginger's gowns.
Oh, that gave me nightmares.

It scared her more than "Psycho."

Yes, butchering Janet Leigh was
nothing compared to butchering
that strapless Oleg Cassini. Hu-huh.

There is no excuse for v*olence
like that on television.

This is a lot like rummy, right?
It's much more complicated.

You melt? Yeah.

Two decks?
Uh-huh.

See if you can keep up with me because
I have a tendency to play too fast.

I'm out.
Wow, B, that's amazing.

I've never seen anything like that.

He must be one of those special
people that has a knack.

What are they called?
Idiots.

Savants, Yetta.
Cousin Marty was an idiot.

Although, he could
look up in the sky

and tell you which pigeon was
going to poop on him.

Yeah, but did he move? No.

This is cool. All right, ladies.
Cut the chitchat. Deal.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yeah. That we should
replace Gert with Brighten

and make him our fourth
in Atlantic City. Nah.

I shouldn't eat stuffed cabbage
this close to a pilot light.

You know, dad was right.

It feels really good to be
a member of a team.

Now, next week do I bring knishes
or low-sodium bunt cake?

You know, honey, why don't you let me
tell your father the good news
about being on the team

cause you know he's just going to die,
and I may not be far behind.

Ah, Niles, let me ask you a question.
Uh-huh.

If you only had one son

and he decided that he wanted to play
on my grandmother's canasta team,

how would you react?

Oh, I've got to be in there for this.

I want to see, too.
Oh, what's your cover?

I can pretend I'm dusting.

Well, I'll tell him
I need a book.

Amateur. You're not
ready for that room.

Oh, sweetheart, the office
is for heavy hitters.

Next time in the kitchen giving your father
a coronary, you'll be the first I call.

Maxwell, perhaps
I'm being overly sensitive,

but I think Niles has it in for me.

Cee Cee, it's just his way.
He doesn't mean you any harm.

I'm sure it's all in your head ...

So, Miss Fine, back from the batting
cages? How did my boy do?

Well, he made contact with the ball.

And he'll have a great career
if the Bee Gee's ever get back together.

Would you look at her in the middle of the day.
Boy, I wish I could sleep like that.

Maxwell, Niles hit me in the head.

Cee Cee, he's standing way over here.

Stop picking on the man.

She never let's up, sir.

Did you want something, Niles?

Can't the butler just
come in and say hi?

All right. What are you two up to?

Nothing, nothing.

Well, baseball didn't exactly
work out for Brighten,

but he did find a game, and
he's very excited about it.

Well, there you are, you see, I told you there'd
be an alternative to television. Yep.

So, come on, what's the game?
Soccer? Hockey?

Well, you need to fill me in.
I need to know what equipment to buy.

Well, maybe a nice teflon bunt
pan might come in handy.

Okay. I'm just going to spill it.

Because it's best to tell people stuff instead of
letting it fester inside and then you babble on and on --

Miss Fine.
Canasta.

Canasta? Doesn't your mother
and grandmother play --

Miss Fine, you're not telling me my son is
joining your mother's canasta team?

No. It's Yetta's team.

Look, maybe you misunderstood me.
I wanted him to play a manly sport,

you know, toughen him up a little.
Well, some of the teams have men, I think.

At a certain age the hormones go.
So that's anybody's guess really.

Oh, God, this is sounding
worse by the minute.

Next you're going to tell me
they have a uniform.

Oh, well, now, they're very tough, masculine,
pink bowling uniforms with a name on it.

Oh, no. It's going to be something
awful like "Flushing Queens."

Oh, my God, you mean that's it?

What? My only son is going
to be wearing a jacket

that says "Brighten" on the front
and "Flushing Queen" on the back?

No. His will say "Gert."

Oh, I, I better take care of that.
I better take care of that before

the contest in Atlantic City.
Are you insane?

You, you don't actually think
I'm going to let him go.

And if you're going to pretend you're dusting there,
at least put a bloody cloth in your hands.

Maxwell, if the child has a knack.
I was good at hunting.

But mommy said I excelled at trapping.

Oh, take good care of your teeth, sir.
You may need to gnaw off a leg some day

Mr. Sheffield, you're
worrying for nothing.

I had a friend, Pauly Russo.
He was raised by two grandmothers.

He turned out to be the most masculine of men.

You should see him today --
big black mustache, leather cap, chaps. Humm ...

Miss Fine!

Ma, all these cards are
sticking together.

Ah, it's a little crystal light.

Now I'm in the mood for something sweet.

Well, here. Try this queen of hearts.
I think it's got some Smucker's on the back.

You know, if I didn't know any better,
I'd think someone was marking these cards.

What?

Ma, you've been cheating all these years,
and we still lose?

No hitting during the game.

I could fight my own battles.
Can we play? Hey!

Now you're part of the family.

I can't wait to hit the buffet
tables in Atlantic City.

He's got a safari jacket
with pockets in it.

We'll never have to order room service.

Didn't you tell her?

What's the matter, Ma?

You got that look on your face like right
before you weigh in at Jenny Craig.

Brighten, take this into Morty.

If it looks like he's wearing rouge it's
just some residue from the barbecue potato chips.

So what's going on?

Gert's back from Florida.

She found an alligator in the pool.

She thought it was an inflatable one.

PS -- stitches.

Wow. What does she think? She's going to
waltz herself back in on the team? Tough.

Not after what I went through
with Mr. Sheffield.

I'm not breaking that little boy's heart.
I'm not telling him he's out.

Good. Cause he's not.

Well, who then?

Franny, you're such a pretty girl.

Oh, Mommy, fire that maid.
She's too old.

Oh, she fished me out of that lake years ago.
How long is she going to milk that?

Uh-huh.

No, no, I'm having lunch
with Betsy. Ha, ha, ha.

Uh-huh. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

No, wait till she sees me.
I look like a million bucks.

Oh, all right.

Niles ... Yetta just called,

apparently Brighten showed up for
practice without all his equipment.

Excuse me, sir, but I packed
his gear myself.

Well, you forgot the Lipton onion soup mix
and the non-fat sour cream.

Well, don't look at me like that, Niles.

I just wanted Brighten to be involved
in something a little more virile.

Like musical theater? Well, at least
your father was supportive of that.

Niles, don't you remember? He refused to come
to my first production, "Sound of Music."

I staged that when I was just

and all because I wouldn't
do what he wanted me to --

shut up, Niles. Book me
a suite in Atlantic City.

Done, sir. Tr*mp Castle, ocean views
for the entire family,
and I can't wait to hit the slots.

Well, mind you, with Miss Fine in the tournament,
you'll have to take care of the children.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Oh, dear. I think
I'm coming down with something.

It's getting worse.

Can't go. Damn.

Ah, Niles, you got any seltzer?

Oy, I had too much pickled herring.
It's all right here.

Oh, my God.
Edelweiss, edelweiss.

All right, all right.
You win, Miss Fine.

If Brighten really wants to play canasta,
then I suppose I should let him to follow his dream.

Oh, what dream? Playing cards
with a bunch of old ladies.

I think it's sick.
What? What about the tournament?

I thought you were thrilled to be
going to Atlantic City.

That pit? Oh, God, I can feel those
capillaries tightening at the base of my skull.

Miss Fine, weren't you the one that
was so high on canasta? What happened?

They threw me off the team.

They don't want to play
with you anymore?

No. And it's not fair.
They were my friends first.

You, you mean my son is
on the team and you're not?

Yes.

Miss Fine, it's all right.

No. It's not. And I'm not going
to Atlantic City either.

There, there, come on now.

We've already made reservations for
the whole family. Isn't that right, Niles?

Oh, ah-choo.

No. Saltwater taffy ...

No.

Your own suite, lots of
little shampoos? No.

Ringside seats to Steve and Edie.
Cocktail or dinner show?

Come on, baby, go, baby ... Go, Mama needs a
-- mama needs a papa. That's what Mama needs.

Oh ... Ahhhhh!

You see, I told you, you have to
stick with the same machine.

It's a whole system. God,
there must be twenty bucks here.

Oh, Fran, you put in seventy five.

Yeah, but that was from the winnings of
the hundred that I put into that machine.

Oh, you know, I better go pick up
Gracie at casino camp.

It's about time. She must be
finished playing kiddie craps.

Oh, I'll go pick her up.
I have a tennis lesson anyway.

Tennis? Oh, all that running back
and forth, back and forth.

Now that's a sport I never got.
Fran, there's the instructor.

Now I get it.

Fran, I hope you're not mad at me because
I took your place on the team.

Oh, no, sweetie, I love you.

But she could look like Z.Z. Tutt before
I ever pluck a chin hair of hers again.

Sweetheart, don't be angry at me.

I had to think of the team's survival.

Remind me never to crash
in the Andies with you.

Sweetheart, you know I'd eat you last.

Not if I was the only kosher corpse.

Oh, boy, I hope you guys have tickets
because, you know, they're sold out

We know.

Oh, my God,

didn't you teach at PS ?

No. Oh, gee,
you look so familiar. What do you do?

We sing.
Oh, I get it.

You do them in that impersonation show.
Yes.

Oh, ya, you could pass. You know,
the right lights, makeup, costume.

You, I don't know.
Oh, really?

Well, listen to this you're
walking along the street ...

or you're at a party, or else you're
alone and then you suddenly dig.

No, no, no, no, no. First of all,

you've got to put a lot more
shoulder into it.

And you, you gotta look at him
more adoringly. You love him, baby.

You looking in someone's eyes,
you suddenly realize

that this could be the start
of something big ...Hey, hey.

Not bad.

You just gotta work on that chemistry
a little bit cause, you know,

that is the magic between
Steve and Edie, see.

Thank you.
Good luck.

I told you, you have to look at me adoringly.
I always look at you adoringly.

People are starting to notice that.

Oh, it's so sad. Some people
are living in such a dream world.

Wow, I can't believe
all this food's for free.

Yeah. And if you count your losses,
it only comes out to $ a shrimp.

Right. Eat up.
I lost my shirt in kiddie craps.

What are I doing?
What? I love three-bean salad.

What is this? Your first buffet?

Salads are for suckers.
Go directly to the shell fish.

Oh, would you just look at
this beautiful gulf prawn,

gorgeous color, great markings.

This will be delicious later.

Come on, everyone.

Hurry up. The tournament's
going to start soon.

Miss Fine, where's your mother?
Too nervous to eat?

Please, she had a snack
during her hysterectomy.

Oh, is it warm in here
or I'm svitzing?

Oh, honey, are you okay?

No. I don't think I can play.
You better make up with your mother.

Well, what hurts?
Oy, I think I'm going through the change.

It's going around.
The whole room's got it.

Well, don't worry, B. I'm sure that
Flintstones make a chewable estrogen.

Honey, I know what you're doing,
and it's so sweet of you.

Oh, come on, Fran, playing means
more to you than it does to me.

Besides, I already
told them I quit.

Oh, is he a doll or what?

Brighten, that's a very nice gesture.
I'm, I'm proud of you.

I learned from the best.
Oh, well.

Not you, Dad, Gilligan.

Oh, yeah, that was the episode where
the Howells adopt Gilligan,

only he pretends to sleepwalk
because the skipper is lonely.

Oh ... Well, Miss Fine, come on,
if the team needs you, I suppose you better get in there.

Are you kidding?
The way my mother treated me,

she can come in here
on her hands and knees begging,

I wouldn't go.

Franny, you're in.
All right.

What? Was that any mother?

Poor sick Niles,
home alone like a dog.

You realize, of course,
now I'm going to have to k*ll you.

Yetta, if you're going to mark
your cards, at least do it smaller.

I can't believe Gertie defected
to another team.

Ah, she's missing a chunk from
that alligator bite. It's a big turnoff.

Well, at least we got ourselves
a fourth. Aha!

That's the card you're playing?