02x18 - The Nanny Behind the Man

[bunniefuu]

Oh, Gracie, I think it's so sweet
that you're writing the President a letter.

I mean, he really needs
some cheering up.

First, he loses
the House and the Senate,

then he jogs to McDonald's and
finds out a McLean has grams of fat.

Ten? What about
those Chicken McNuggets?

Niles, so that's how you got
those McLove handles.

Fran, I don't know what's right.
What's the right way to address
the man who runs our entire country?

Dear Newt?

Don't be so smart, you.

"B," you're a good writer.
Go help your sister.

If it's a nice letter, forget it.
What? What are you? A republican?

I've got a trust fund.
I'm no boob. Go.

Maxwell, if he wants the damn play,
then let him have it.

It isn't even finished.
Who?

Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Look, Cee Cee, I found this play first.
I want to produce it.

Just once I want to be on top.
I want you on top too, Maxwell.

You're just not going to win.

You might as well give up.
Se la vie. La vie.

Why shouldn't he try for it?
His shows are just as good.

As good as "Phantom of the Opera"?
Uh-huh.

Maxwell, for your own good, give up.
It's a futile fight.

For God sakes,
I know when I'm licked.

Just give me a minute to get
that image out of my head.

Nope, Nope.
Gonna have to live with it.

It is reassuring no know that
if anything happens to me,

you're here to continue my work.

Well, maybe she's right.
I should just withdraw the offer.

That way it won't look like
I've lost to him again.

Lost? You haven't even begun to fight.

Mr. Sheffield the only thing that Andrew Lloyd
Webber has that you don't is a middle name.

I've got a middle name.
Oh, well, there you are. What is it?

Beverly.
Moving on.

Okay. Here's something else
that you have that he doesn't.

Yeah? What's that, Miss Fine?
Me. Right, Niles?

What about a Whopper?

Fran, you know, Clifford,
that geek at my school?

Uh-huh. Oh, honey, you know,
he's not such a geek.

Not everyone can pull off mittens
clipped to their sleeves.

Well, he offered to help me
with my PSAT's. Yeah?

But I can't be seen with him.
Sweetie, it's the ' 's.

Le gdek, chez chic.

See, here's the progression -- pocket protector,
software genius, compound in Malibu.

Ohhhh ...

Listen to me. You'll be smart.

Meanwhile, I'm a maid.

All right. It's all set. I'm taking
the playwright to dinner tonight.

And I happen to know he fancies
himself as a bit of a ladies' man

so I thought maybe I'd set
him up with Cindy, huh?

Nothing like a super model
on the rebound. Hey? Ohhhh.

Now, you see, Mr. Sheffield, that's
why you're wearing Donna Karan,

and I'm wearing -- well, actually,
I'm wear Donna Karan too,
but they cut the label out.

So what's this guy like? Dakota Williams?
Oh, he's an elderly southern gentleman,

you know, a real man's man, ah, drinking,
chain smoking, plain talking.

Oh, gee, and you want to fix
him up with Cindy Crawford.

I don't know.
From Richard Gear to Yosemite Sam?

You know what, leave everything to me.
I have just the gal for you --

cheap, foul-mouthed, finds
secondhand smoke a big turn-on.

Oh, Miss Fine, you wouldn't
want to go with him.

I didn't mean me.

I hate smoke.

Do you think you can convince this
friend of yours to go out with him?

Oh, I don't know. She's got to be
willing to have cocktails in a mansion,

dinner at a five-star restaurant,

and ride around all night in a limo with
some famous guy who's too old to jump her.

Gonna be tough.

Now, Niles, you must be particularly
attentive to Mr. Williams this evening.

I want his visit here to be first
class in every way.

Yeah, Niles, stay on your toes.

Ohhhh!

Oh, my toes.

Ah, there you are, Miss Fine.
Now guess what.

After dinner I've chartered a boat
to take us around Manhattan

with a Cajun blues band
I've flew in from New Orleans.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
now you're showing some gumbos.

Oh, he's here.

Nanny Fine, take a powder.

Now, now, now, Cee Cee,
if it weren't for Miss Fine,

we wouldn't be entertaining
a Pulitzer Prize winner here this evening.

Pulitzer Clearing House?
How much did he win?

Miss Fine, take a powder.

Mr. Dakota Williams.

Ah, I'm just Dak to you all.

Welcome.
I do not stand on ceremony,

and just to prove it,
I'll drink anything you got.

As long as it's sour mash whiskey.
Oh, we got that, all right.

Don't we, Niles?
What are you nuts? Sir ...

I'm Cee Cee Babcock, Mr. Williams.

Your plays are so profound.
Where do you get your inspiration?

Give me an uptight alcoholic spinster,
and I'll give you a play.

Ta-ta.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh ... Sugar, sugar, sugar,

little darling, who are you?

Hi, I'm Fran Fine.

You know, I was the lead in one
of your plays in high school.

Because of my accent, everyone
thought I was from the south.

Must have been an amazing production.

Oh, when I played
the death scene with my mamie,

how I loved her, how I loved her ...

Anyway, there wasn't
a dry eye in Flushing.

Flushing? Like a toilet?

On a good day.

Oh, Sheffield, this is
one saucy woman.

We're going to get along like two June bugs
on a summer picnic. Yeah.

Well, actually, actually,
she's not your date. No.

Huh?

Your date's even cruder.

Yes, much.

I'll get that.
Me too.

Oh, Miss Fine, I can taste victory
already. And it's all you.

I have you to thank. You ain't seen nothing yet.

Wait till you get a load of the chick
I fixed him up with. Ta-ta!

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to dig up a brassiere
that hooks in the front.

What? No good?

Are you out of your bloody mind?

Oh, look who's here, Bob's Big Boy.

Miss Fine you fixed up America's
foremost living playwright

with a woman whose greatest attribute is
making rice that doesn't stick together?

He was smiling when he met her.

He's drunk out of his mind.
All right. She's on pain K*llers.

Maybe neither of them will
realize they're together.

Miss Fine, Miss Fine, haven't I been
good to you? Yes, you have.

Gave you a job when you needed one?
Yes, you did.

All the Slim Fast bars you can eat?
Uh-huh.

And how do you repay me?
I was just trying to be the woman behind the man.

How would you like to be the woman
behind the Burger King counter?

The one on th Street is hiring.

You know, for a minute
there when I saw Yetta,

I thought that she was Dakota's date.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, let me tell her in lieu of
a Christmas bonus.

No!

Oh, it's your fault.
Maxwell, let's k*ll her.

Cee Cee, I prefer to do
this without any witnesses.

Niles ... Oh, huh.

Mr. Sheffield, let me just
tell you my thinking.

Andrew Lloyd Webber would have never thought
to fix him up with someone like Grandma Yetta.

Well, Nanny Fine finally dug a hole deep enough
to bury her and her hair. Ha, ha.

Oh, Miss Babcock, you have
a little something, ah ...

Oh, well, give me that.

How's that? How do I look?

Yummy.

All right. Would you keep it down.
We've got company.

Cee Cee?
What?

What on earth
happened to your face?

She cut herself shaving.

Oh ...

So, anyway, years I'm thinking
it's a beauty mark.

Suddenly I wake up, it's
the size of Danny DeVito.

Yetta. Yetta ...

That's nothing. I got something that looks like
a gas cap off a ' Corvair growing on my butt.

We believe you. We believe you.

Oh, I got something for you.

But first I gotta take off my girdle.

You little tease.
You're such a turn-on.

Did you hear that? Yetta, big turn-on.

Excuse me, Mr. Williams.

I know we could all go on and on
about Yetta. Hell, she turns me on.

But why don't we see if we can't work out
a deal before you're sober
-- supper -- your supper.

Sheffield, is this how you do business?
Aha, just show me where to sign.

Come on, honeysuckle.

It's all body language.

Watch the walk.

Miss Fine, you never
cease to amaze me.

Well, I don't know why you're so shocked.

I mean, you asked me to fix
the man up with someone.

I followed my instincts.
Simple, yet bonus worthy.

Miss Fine, I could just kiss you.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda, but didn't.

Stop it. You're embarrassing me.

Oh, he keeps calling me
his right arm.

Miss Fine, you have more
lives than Garfield.

Oh, Niles, lox, eggs, and onions.
Yes.

Grandma Yetta left her breakfast order
on the door nob before she went to bed.

Well, when she sleeps over, she always
thinks she's at the Fountain Blu.

If you want to make a buck, tie your shirt
into a calypso knot and serve her a pina colada.

Oh, Miss Fine ...
Coming.

I'm feeling a little short time
to get on my pedestal.

Oh, there she is.
Who?

My right arm.

Oh, stop it.
You're embarrassing me.

Well, I'm sorry, Miss Fine.
I just can't help it.

I own Dakota Williams' next play.
Oh ...

I finally b*at Andrew Lloyd Webber,

and it wouldn't have happened
if it weren't for you.

Oh, you did it all yourself.
I was merely your, um, um ...

Right arm.

Stop it. You're em -- oh, it's you.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Good morning.

I'll have some of everything.

I'm on the American plan.

So, tell me, did the dinner last night
go well? You got home so late.

Oh, she was quite the little vixen.

Oh, Yetta, you didn't drop anything under
the table and go look for it, did you?

One time. Just to see if I still had it.

Good God, that was you?

That was you?

Do you two want to be alone?

Meanwhile, Dak and I are
a match made in heaven.

I like dark meat; he likes light.

I could hear the movie;
he could see it.

I got a right lung; he's got a left.

But the best part is he's retired.

No, no, he's not retired yet, Yetta.
He's still got a play to finish.

Good luck. The man hasn't
written a word in years.

Oh, Yetta, you're confused.
Mr. Sheffield just bought his play.

That's right. The first act
is on my desk right now.

Did you happen to notice it was
written with a quill pen?

What is she saying? I'm saying
don't hold your breath for the second act.

The man's got writer's blockage.
Oh, no. Oh, God ...

Thank you for introducing us.
Most guys my age are senile.

I'll be in the gift shop.

All right. Let's -- let's recap.

I now own a play that is
totally worthless,

and Andrew Webber does not.

My right arm is strangely silent.

Did it have a stroke?

It's thinking.

Try and follow me for a minute here.

Why would Dak sign a deal with you when he
could have signed a deal with Andrew Lloyd Webber?

Because my plays are just as good.
No, really.

It's because of Yetta. You know,
he might back out of the deal if she dumps him.

Wait, wait, Miss Fine, Dak is the most
exciting man Yetta's ever met.

I mean, what would possibly
make her leave him?

Well, she had her eye
on the couch in the lobby.

Yetta ...

I hate when they don't
put prices on things.

Honey, where do you start?

Look, Yetta, I know you've grown
very fond of Dak, but,

well, you should know he drinks far too much.

He swears like a sailor, and, well,
frankly, he's a scoundrel with women.

Mr. Sheffield, are you trying
to talk her out of it or into it?

Let me handle it. Yetta,
you gotta break up with him.

Why? He's cute, and he's loaded.

If we got married, some day
it would all be yours.

What are we really doing here?

Oh, no, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I can't do this.

I -- I can't ask her to give up her
last chance for happiness just so I can
get out of a bloody business deal.

Hold it. This was business?
I was just a cheap tawdry sex toy?

Why does this always happen to me?

I'm very sorry, Yetta.

Hey, I was there.
How could you not use me?

Business is important.
I myself am an entremanure.

My family's going to
have to stop breeding.

Franny, let me talk to
your husband in private.

You want to talk business, here's the deal.

I'll give up Dak if you quit
fooling around with the blond.

Shame on you.

Look what you've got.

Mags, lighten up. What's with
the unga-blues-onaputum?

Unga what? Sour pus.

You know, it's a face like that that kept
Molly Ringwald from a film career as an adult.

Fran, the worst thing has happened.
The computer nerd asked me out.

Oh, so he's getting
a little interactive, huh?

Fran, I don't want to go out with him.
Ah, he'll wear that hat with those ear flaps.

Honey, let me impart some wisdom on you.

My mother always dressed my father
in leisure suits,

and no one has ever stolen him away.

Fran, you don't understand.

My best friend Whitney's going out with
a football player who is so studly.

All right, honey, honey. Let me just
give you the progression here --

star quarterback, pulled groin, beer gut --

can I check your oil, please. Huh?

Maxwell, I'm coming in, and
I have terrible news

Isn't that redundant?

Cee Cee, nothing can spoil
this perfect day.

Just about now Andrew Lloyd Webber
is probably realizing

that he owns Dakota Williams'
long-awaited opus named

"You Better Like Act One Cause
There Ain't No Act Two."

I read, "Dakota Williams' closes a deal
with Andrew Lloyd Webber to produce
his new play -- Uh-huh.

"-- which he finished in one night."

Oh, Miss Fine ...

Are you doing the hokey-pokey
and you need your right-arm man?

I'd take it out before he shakes
it all about.

Huh?

Webber stole our playwright.

Well, tell us something
we don't know. Ha, ha, ha.

All right.

"The playwright was inspired to complete
the deeply personal project by a recent
bout of unrequited love.

In contrast to his usual heroine,
the pivotal character

is an earthy, elderby,
Hebraic woman named Zetta."

Ever since I started working here,
I don't need a treadmill.

I have to get Miss Grace.
Mr. Clinton's here.

Clinton? The President?
He knows Barbra Streisand.

It's so exciting. Who are you?

I'm Roger Clinton.

Do you know Streisand?

Well, I was at the inauguration,
but I had terrible seats. Oh ...

Miss Fine, you haven't been dismissed.

I haven't finished with you yet.

Not now, Mr. Sheffield.
We have company.

Roger Clinton is here. Oh ...

Ah, why?

Well, your daughter wrote
my brother a letter.

And he was so touched by it, he asked
me to stop by while I was in town.

Where's the President?
Honey, honey, he couldn't make it.

But his brother came instead.
Oh.

Isn't this exciting?
Honey, go get your camera.

Why would I want a picture --
Go.

Ah, you know, Mr. Clinton,
Miss Fine here is a great admirer

and supporter of your entire family.
Yes, I am.

Thank you. That's nice to hear.

As a matter of fact, you should
send for her in ' . Oh ...

Yes. She is an inspiration
to have in your corner.

Well, I'll tell Bill. You know,
he's always looking for a good right arm.

Mr. Sheffield, that was so nice of you.

You know, I thought you were
a republican. I am.

Thank you for my gift.

Well, Yetta,
I just hope you enjoy it.

You know, for the club chair,
I would have put out.

Well, that's what happens when you
get involved with an entremanure.