02x20 - Lamb Chop's on the Menu

[bunniefuu]

Excuse me, Mr. Sheffield.

I just wanted to tell you that Tuesday
I have to take my mother to the Bunion Center.

Oh, thank heavens you told me.

Ah, meeting with Liza Minelli,
conference with Donald Tr*mp,

Miss Fine and mother at Bunion Center.

Mr. Sheffield, it's serious.

The woman has a thumb growing
off the side of her foot.

She can't even fit into her socks
anymore. She has to wear a mitten.

God, I have to move out of my apartment to get
my floors redone, and I cannot find a kennel.

Oh, treat yourself to a hotel.

Not me. My dog.

Chester? You're going to put
Chester into cage a somewhere?

Oh, I think that's terrible to take a dog
out of his warm and loving environment. Huh?

Well, anyway,
you still shouldn't do it.

My Uncle Manny put his dog into a kennel,
and he was never the same again.

Would you like to know what happened?

Not really.

He put his German shepherd, King,
in a cage with male poodles.

P.S., all hopes of breeding
him were over.

Oh, for heaven sake.
He's a small dog.

He fits in a wet bar frig.

Never mind how I know that.

Hello?

Ah, Miss Babcock, why don't you just leave
Chester here with us for a couple of days?

That is a wonderful idea.

Well, you know how much he loves me,
and he really wouldn't be any bother at all.

Oh, you don't mind, do you, Maxwell?
No, no, of course not.

Oh, well, terrific. I'll just
run home and get him.

He really won't be any trouble.
He even knows how to do tricks.

He can lie down, roll over, and beg.

Gee, I wonder where he learned that.

Fran ...
Hi, honey.

Fran, you remember that gorgeous guy
I told you about?

Oh, sweetie, that's like asking me if
I remember when they cut up my credit card.

Jeremy Thatcher, math, third period,
hair like Brad Pitt.

Up to speed. Well, I --

Hello, sweetheart.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, sweetheart, there's nothing you
can't share with your father.

It's a female thing.

Carry on.

Boy, if ever they run out of starter
flags at the Indy ,

all they gotta do is yell, "It's a female
thing," and watch those men take off.

Anyways, I think he's going to ask me out
because he asked for my phone number. Ahhhh ...

I'm going to stay home all day in case he calls.
Oh, no, honey, you don't want to appear too anxious.

I mean, it's better to play hard to get.

That could be him. Go, go, go.

Maxwell ...
Oh, Chester ... Sweetie.

Be care. He's been in
a foul mood all day.

Oh, you know, if he had
a little more hair on his back,

he could be my ex-boyfriend.

All right. Enough already.
Come to mama.

Oh, Maxwell, thank God you're here.
I was having lunch at Fontina
with a William Morris agent,

and, well, to make a long story short --
Take note of how she does this Miss Fine.

I just nailed down the rights
to our first feature film.

C.C., what would we want with film rights?
We're theater producers.

Oh, Maxwell, the theater's dying.
It's time we branched out.

You know, I'm with
Miss Babcock on that one.

I mean, when you're paying bucks
to see Brook Shields singing in pedal pushers,

you know the end is near.

All right. So what film have
we bought the rights to?

"Lamb Chop, the Movie."

Oh, that is so exciting.

You know, when I was a little girl,
we couldn't afford a Lamb Chop doll

so Grandma Yetta would put on a white curly
wig, and then she'd take her teeth out,

and grandpa would stick his
hand up her blouse ...

Gee, come to think of it, I think there
was a good time had by all.

So let me get this straight, C.C. I have
worked with Gielgood, Burton, Olivier;

and now I'm producing a film starring a sock?

Maxwell, last year that sock topped
a hundred million in merchandising.

Children, guess what. You're going
to meet Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop.

Oh, Lamb Chop. I just love her.

You know, if Lamb Chop had
married Howdy Doody,

her name would be Lamb Doody.

I really k*lled them with
that in kindergarten.

Answer phones on what telethon, Ma?

I said Shari Lewis is coming to
the house, not Jerry Lewis. Oy ...

Miss Fine! Oh, Ma, I gotta go.
Something just hit the fan.

The category is dog.

Now for points, can anyone tell
me what's on the bottom of my wing tip?

Ah, I believe the young lady with
the big hair buzzed in first.

Did Chester leave you a little gift?
Ssshhh!

Miss Fine, I think he meant for it to be
a secret because he hid it under my desk.

Well, if I can scrape it out of
your gym bag, you certainly --

oh, is that --

is that picture crooked over there?

Miss Fine, would you please keep
that dog's bowels under control.

Oh, is this the biggest
gross-out in the world.

And yet you spread it over a garden
and you get a tomato the size of your head.

Oop. Here you go, Niles.
I'll get the door.

So this means Mr. Sheffield is
in his stocking feet,

and I have yet to clean up Chester's
other little deposit in the -- Ohhh!

-- in the hall.

Oh, my God, it's Shari Lewis.

Hello.

I saw your lips move.

Oh, hello, Miss Chop. I'm Fran Fine,
and I must tell you

that I have been a fan of yours ever
since I was a little girl.

Ever sinse you were --

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
That is unpossible.

I'm only six.

Oh, come on, I used to watch you on
my black and white TV -- I'm only six.

Oh, I get it. That's okay.

My mother counts in lamb years too.

Shari, welcome. Maxwell Sheffield.

Oh, how do you do? Ummm, ahhhh.

Mr. Sheffield, don't snub the lamb.

She's the whole show.

Oh, of course. Ah, Maxwell Sheffield.

Enchante, I'm sure.

Well, Shari, if you wouldn't mind,
my little girl is just dying to meet you.

Cute touche.
Lamb Chop.

I'd follow him to school one day.
Oh ...

Get the feeling Lamb Chop's fleece
is not as white as snow?

What grade are you in?
My grade is USDA. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Huh? Hello. Is this thing be turned on?

Miss Lewis ...
Oh, thank you.

Oh, is that for me?
I'll get you something, Lamb Chop.

How about Woolite on the rocks?

I work alone, Benson.

Now he's upset the lamb.
You better go over and pet her.

Miss Fine, I'm not petting a puppet.

Why? She's a big star.

I'll bet once in a while they
all need stroking.

I didn't pet Gielgood or Olivier.
Well, maybe if you did,

you wouldn't be making
"Lamb Chop, the Movie."

Oh, oh. Ahhhhhh.

Oh ...

Oh, that was nice. Don't stop.

Hello, hello.

Sorry I'm late.

Hello, Miss Lewis.
C.C. Babcock.

Oh, hello.
Ahhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhh!
What?

What did I do?
Miss Babcock, your coat.

New Zealand lamb?
So?

Maybe she had people there?
Ohhhhhh!

Take it off.

Three words she doesn't hear often.

Yes!

Niles, isn't that sweet.

You're bonding with the sheep.

Not the first time I'm sure.

Bravo.

You win.

Every dog has her day.

Maxwell, you have a beautiful house.
And I want to thank you for inviting us.

We're delighted Shari. Besides,
I always find hotels a little impersonal.

Ah, speak for yourself. At a hotel
at least I could get a massage. Ahhhhh!

And you could use a manicure.
Ohhhhh.

Anyway, Shari, I have -- I have some
wonderful ideas for this film.

And I've got a few ideas of my own.

My room, later.

Better wear a rubber glove.

Why didn't you make outside?
I didn't have to go that bad.

Not you, Val. Oh, Niles,
he didn't do his business.

Well, that's not his territory.
Perhaps if you moved the Persian rug outside.

Aha. Gee, I don't know what's
wrong with him, Val.

He had his whole meal -- ate
two slippers, Brighten's homework,

and the Theater Guild award Mr. Sheffield
had that sick attachment to.

Fran, I can't believe it.
It finally happened.

Oh, honey, you're a year
younger than when I --

wait a minute.
What finally happened?

Jeremy finally asked me out.
We're going to a retro drive-in movie.

Oh, a drive-in. Oh, honey.
What kind of car does he drive?

A Miatta.
Four on the floor.

No back seat.
Have fun.

So where's Shari?
Oh, she's on business.

But Lamb Chop's here.
Oh, I get to meet Lamb Chop.

Oh, I promise,
I won't say anything stupid.

Too late Val.

Isn't that adorable?

Bordering on psychotic, but adorable.

Ssshhh! Ssshhh! Don't wake her up.

Val, Led Zeplin couldn't wake her up.

Oh, look.
What?

Look, her little dresses.

How come she never wears them?

Val, these are Shari's.
Oh ...

I don't know what you're so shocked about.
She's very petite. Oh ...

Ohhhhh ...

Chester!

Chester,

put Lamb Chop down.

Come to Auntie Frannie.

Val, don't make any sudden moves.

Chester!

Chester, there he is.
Come here. Come here.

Oh, Chester.
What did you do with --

oh, Val ...

Chester ate Lamb Chop.

Come on, Chester, purge, purge.

You want me to stick your paw
down your throat? Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Niles, it's not funny.
Oh, no, you're right. It's a tragedy.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, and you know what
the worst part of it all is?

Just because I suggested that
Chester come stay with us

and I brought him up to Shari's room and
put him down so I could r*fle
through her personal stuff,

Mr. Sheffield's going to find
some crazy way of blaming this all on me.

No, you know what the worst part it.

He forgot the mint jelly.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Stop it.

It's not funny.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Do you think that when Shari finds
out that Lamb Chop was eaten

it's going to blow the movie deal?

What?
I was just asking Niles -- Ohhhhh!

Maxwell! Head her off,
Miss Fine. You can do it.

Well, Miss Fine,
do you have anything to say?

Ah, you missed a belt loop?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
why aren't you saying anything?

You're scaring me. I like it
better when you yell and scream.

Please, let it out.
That's right, Maxwell. Let it out.

Let's not forget who's
responsible for all of this.

Your dog.
Right.

So, Miss Fine, what -- what
would you like me to say, huh?

I mean, my film career's
over before it began.

Oh, let's not be nay sayers.

He ate the bloody star.

All right. Now you're back with me.

Apparently, it's your fault.

You were responsible for
that fur-covered colon.

Well, I said it. I knew you'd
find a way to blame this on me.

Yes, she did, sir.

But I've got a plan.
Yes, she does, sir.

And, as you know, my plans never fail.

Eyelash ...

hot glue ...

puff ...

Oh, no. Oh, God, are you insane?

Mr. Sheffield, trust me. I once
accidentally destroyed my father's toupee,

and I made an exact replica out
of the toilet seat cover.

That looked real?
Yeah.

Plus he matched the towels.

That's all right, Miss Lewis.
I'll get it for you.

Incoming.

Thank you very much, Niles.
Uh-huh.

Ohhhhhh!

Didn't you see me?

What's your point?

Hi, Shari. We were just sitting
around here talking with Lamb Chop.

You know, I gave her a makeover,

make her hair a little higher
to balance out the mutton thighs.

What have you done with her?
This isn't my Lamb Chop.

Why? I think she's got
a refreshing, earthy quality.

Fran chop. Aha.

Shari, I'm afraid we owe
you a bit of an explanation.

You think?

Oh, Miss Lewis, you really
shouldn't be angry at Mr. Sheffield.

The truth of the matter is
her dog ate Lamb Chop.

You know, Shari, the lamb was
holding you back.

You're better off without her.
She told me she was seeing another hand.

You know, I know that you've
experienced a great loss, Miss Lewis,

but you really shouldn't blame
Miss Babcock,

although you've got
a very legitimate case against her.

Miss Fine, perhaps Miss Lewis would
like a moment of silence for the lamb --

Look, Lamb Chop!

Oh, Lamb Chop.

Oh, look, Chester didn't eat her.

You know, he must have dropped her down
the laundry chute like I used to do to Grace --

geez. Me, I haven't done
my homework yet. Let's go.

Yuk, poo-poo-poo,
yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk.

Well, thank goodness she's okay.

Yeah. Okay? Speak for yourself.

I was practically strangled
by a leopard thong bikini.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, Shari, I'm most terribly sorry
about all this. You know --

Oh, forget it. I want out of this deal.

Lamb Chop, let's not be hasty.

Let's not forget
who owns percent.

We're out of here.

Well, look, if she doesn't want to do it,
she doesn't want to do it.

I'm -- I'm really sorry. You'll have
to get Miss Piggy for your project.

Miss Piggy?

That ham?

Honey, she's the new white meat.

You know, maybe you are overreacting?

Well, why don't we step into
my office and discuss this?

Well ... there's no harm in just talking.

Shall we? Hey, shall we?

Come here. How's my breath?

It's all right? It's all right.

Good girl. Go. Go.

Excuse me, but this is
a private meeting.

You know that guy I'm going to the drive-in
movie with? Yeah. The one with the Miatta.

Well, the Miatta's in the shop.
So he's bringing his father's Lincoln.

Oh, better, big back seat. What movie
you seeing? "Legends of the Fall."

Oh, sexy. We're going
to have such a good time.

Kids -- Brighten, Gracie,

we're going to a drive-in.