Now, the key to successful
barbeque sauce is
using just the right
amount of ingredients.
A little bit of salt,
a tiny bit of pepper.
Now let's give it a
try, okay? Here we go.
Not bad. But I'm feeling wacky
tonight, kids, I'm feeling a little nutty.
What do you say we put
in a little lemon juice, huh?
JESSE: Okay. Lemon
juice, lemon juice.
Where is the lemon
juice? The lemon juice...
Where is the lemon juice?
Ah.
Here it is.
Just what we need.
[IN UNISON] Hi, Daddy.
Hi, boys. I missed you too.
All right. Now, we add
just a splash of lemon juice.
Very good. And we
give it a big taste. Okay?
[JESSE SNIFFING]
Woo! That, uh...
Wow, that brought
it to life, didn't it?
Uh, here, you
wanna try some, son?
How about you?
You wanna try some?
- Okay, more for me.
- Here, Daddy.
Yeah, it needs a little
more lemon juice, thank you.
[GIGGLING]
RIGBY [ON TV]: Hey, everybody.
Who's your favorite rhino?
[IN UNISON] Rigby the Rhino.
RIGBY: Rigby will be right
back, so don't touch that remote.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Here
he comes. It's Action Rigby.
He's an action figure.
He's a party animal.
He's your sleepy time pal.
Good night, Rigby. We love you.
ANNOUNCER: And
Rigby loves you too.
Send for yours now. Sleepy
Time Slumber Cot sold separately.
RIGBY: Remember, kids,
you can see me in person at...
MAN [APATHETICALLY]: The
Bayview Mall, today from 2 to 4.
RIGBY: We'll see you there.
You sure will.
Boy, I hope my Action
Rigby comes today.
Yeah, we've been
waiting forever.
Daddy!
Mail's still not here.
Hey, did you order the
Sleepy Time Slumber Cot?
Nah, I haven't told Stephanie
yet, but Rigby's getting her bed.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- Hey, guys. DANNY:
Good morning.
- Hey, Joe. D.J.: Hey.
I can't go with you to
Phantom of the Opera tonight.
Aw, come on, Joey.
It's not that scary.
Vicky was flying in for this.
We're all gonna go out together.
Hey, what can I do? My
date just called and cancelled.
Wow, it's kind of last-minute. I
hope she has a good excuse.
She's getting married.
- That's a good
excuse. JOEY: Mm.
Hey, Deej, why don't you
and Steve use the tickets?
- Really? JOEY: Yeah.
Oh, I'd love to. Thank
you, guys, so much.
I have the perfect dress, but I want
to do something special with my hair.
Oh, Deej, Deej. Why don't
you go to my man, Alejandro?
Alejandro's very exclusive.
Do you think he'll take me?
I'll write you a
letter of reference.
And look, don't worry. Once you've
passed the written test, the oral's a snap.
Here. Ask them.
Hey, guys, what do
you think of D.J.'s hair?
- Yikes.
- Yikes!
[COMET BARKS AND THEN WHIMPERS]
Now I'm scaring the dog.
You know, I could've
gone to Alejandro, but no.
I had to go to Mr. Tony so you
can get your free neck-shave.
I'm sorry, Deej.
I guess that lightning strike you
took was more severe than I thought.
Hey, guys.
Yikes.
I don't wanna hear it.
- Hi, Kimmy. Oh, nice smooth neck.
- Thank you.
- Michelle, your Action Rigby's here.
- Give me, give me, give me.
Hey, I bet mine is here too.
Hey, nothing's here but
a book. They forgot Rigby.
Uh, Michelle, Michelle.
Uh, I think that's a catalogue
to order more Rigby stuff.
Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
See this little orange
packing peanut?
Say hello to Action Rigby.
This can't be
it. It doesn't fly.
It doesn't dance.
Do something!
Oh, Danny, how romantic.
Practicing carrying me
across the threshold.
Uh, Actually, Vicky, I
just waxed the landing...
and high heels can be m*rder.
[IN UNISON] Oh, you.
Hey, lovebirds.
Get a cage.
- Hey. Sorry. VICKY: Ha-ha-ha.
Did you guys, uh, do this threshold
thing when you were married?
- Of course.
- Man, you were heavy.
I was carrying the luggage.
- Hey, Mr. Tanner.
- Hey.
Look, thanks for
inviting me to the play.
Um, you know how to get a
grease stain out of a sport jacket?
Steve, it should be no problem. It
depends if it's had a chance to set.
- When did it happen?
- Uh, today's Saturday, right?
So that would
be... five years ago.
Steve, can you
believe this hair?
Uh...
Um...
I love it.
Are you kidding? It's awful.
Oh. Oh, man.
Oh, yeah, I hate it.
Steve, you just
said you loved it.
No, no. But that was before
I knew that you hated it, see?
So, what you're saying
is you just lied to me.
No, no. What I'm saying is,
well, whatever you wanna hear.
- I don't wanna hear that.
- Well, then that's not what I said.
Okay, all right. Let's not panic
here. I'm sure that we can fix this.
[D.J. SIGHS]
Yeah. We can wash
it out and start all over.
You should've gone to Alejandro.
I know, I know.
Look, Jess, we may have to get
into your emergency hair-care stash.
All right. Just use that little
red hammer to break the glass.
Come on, D.J., don't
worry. I'm sure it'll
look beautiful no
matter what you do to it.
Nice try.
- Oh, ha. Steven, Steven, Steven.
- What did I do?
[JESSE CHUCKLES]
He wants to know what he did.
- You waffled.
- Major waffle.
- First, you said something nice.
- That was good.
- But then you backed off.
- That was bad.
For example, a woman wants to know if the
dress she's wearing makes her look heavy.
The answer is,
"Ha, of course not."
Sometimes I like
to mix it up with, uh:
"No, no, no. You're not fat. I
think it's just thick material."
Okay. Now it's your turn, okay?
D.J. asks you, "Did
you think that girl
walking by in the string
bikini is attractive?"
- The answer is...?
- No.
- Incorrect. The correct
answer is: STEVE: Ugh.
"What girl? I
didn't see a girl."
See, that's the correct answer.
You see, Steven, women are,
uh... What's the word I'm looking for?
Overly sensitive
about their appearance.
So it is our job as men to make the
woman in our life feel good about herself.
So, uh, basically what you're saying
is that no matter how D.J. looks...
it's always my job to tell
her she looks like a hot babe.
Exactly, but, uh, since we're
talking about my daughter here...
would you mind replacing the words
"hot babe" with, uh, "excellent student"?
- Joey?
- Can you guys give me a little push here?
[JOEY GRUNTING]
One. Oh, man, it's break time.
Joey, Stephanie
said I got ripped off.
She did. Look at the giant
Action Rigby they sent her.
On the commercial,
it was humungous.
Well, they do say TV
adds about 10 pounds.
So I did get ripped off.
Oh, Michelle, uh... Hey,
that just happens sometimes.
Um, tell you what, uh, let
me show something, okay?
When I was, um, a kid, I
wanted to be a ventriloquist, right?
So I sent away for this:
[JOEY CLEARS THROAT]
Mr. Talky.
Look, his mouth is painted on.
So how are you, Mr. Talky?
[JOEY SQUAWKS AND THEN LAUGHS]
Thank you, Mr. Talky.
[JOEY SCREAMS AND THEN
GRUNTS IN A HIGH VOICE]
So the point is, Michelle,
everyone gets taken sometimes.
You mean you can't do anything?
Well, I think I saw an 800
number in the catalogue.
We don't have time
to dial 800 numbers.
No, ha, Michelle, you see, um...
We'll talk later. Come on, let's go
make a phone call. Let's go, guys.
It's ringing. I'll put
it on speakerphone.
[PHONE RINGS]
MAN [ON SPEAKERPHONE]:
Hi, and welcome...
to Rigby the Rhino International.
Press one if your Rigby pen is leaking.
Press two if your Rigby sticker
turned everything in the wash orange.
Remind me to cross
those off my Christmas list.
Press three if you're dissatisfied
with the size of your Action Rigby.
That's us.
MAN: It's not the size of your
Action Rigby that's important.
It's the fun you bring to it.
Have a happy Rigby day.
Have a happy Rigby day?
The nerve of those guys. At
least they could pretend to care.
I spent all my
tooth fairy money...
and all I got was a hole in
my mouth and a piece of junk.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
I got it.
- Hey, Denise.
- I got ripped off.
Me too.
Guys, you gotta give it up,
because there's nothing you can do.
Ha, there's plenty we can do.
Rigby's at the mall today, right?
- Right. But I don't wanna see him.
- We're gonna see him, all right.
In fact, we're gonna get all your friends
and we're gonna rattle that rhino's horn.
Wow, Joey, you're steamed.
[GROWLS] Ooh, I hate that rhino.
All right, here's what we're gonna
do, okay? We're gonna go to the mall...
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
[RIGBY SINGING]
[RIGBY HOWLS AND
THE CHILDREN HOWL]
Okay, kids, let's do it.
[CHANTING] Rigby is a
rip-off! Rigby is a rip-off!
Rigby is a rip-off!
Rigby is a rip-off!
[PARENTS CHATTERING]
Rigby is a rip-off!
RIGBY: What seems to
be the problem, little rhinos?
No, it's okay, Michelle. Go
ahead, tell him how you feel.
Go on.
Rigby, I'm Michelle Tanner.
I live at 1882 Gerard Street.
RIGBY: And your point is...?
How come in the commercial,
Action Rigby was big and fun...
and all I got was this?
JOEY: Hold it up.
We can't see it.
I am holding it up.
I was going to bring this in for Show
and Tell, but there's nothing to show.
CHILDREN: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
RIGBY: Hey, kids, take it easy.
You know, Rigby, you've done
more than rip off little kids' money.
You've ripped off
their innocence.
How do you sleep at night?
Especially with that horn.
JOEY [COUGHING]:
Rigby is a rip-off!
[CHANTING] Rigby is a rip-off!
Rigby is a rip-off!
Rigby is a rip-off!
Rigby is a rip-off!
Rigby is a rip-off!
[RIGBY MURMURS]
- Rigby is a rip-off!
RIGBY: Calm down.
RIGBY: So long, kids. I
gotta go powder my horn.
RIGBY: Get the limo ready.
- Let's go.
- Rigby's getting away!
- Follow that rhino!
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey. Show's over.
Rigby has left the building.
Now, all you protestors, I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave peacefully. Let's go.
Uh, pardon me, but these kids are
just exercising their right of free speech.
You're a little old to be a
Rigby fan. Aren't you, fella?
Well, you're never too old
to defend the Constitution.
But this here is a private mall.
The Constitution ends at the Gap.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Okay, we're gonna leave. But
it's not because we're afraid of you.
It's because I can't pull
my pants up any higher.
JOEY: Let's go, kids.
Okay, there you go.
Looks like hair again.
Ha, thanks, guys.
You know, I can't believe
Steve lied to me about my hair.
- Should we tell her?
- I think she's ready.
It's time you learn
the facts about men.
Oh, it's okay. They gave us
the pamphlet in fifth grade.
- We know the pamphlet.
- Yes, this goes way beyond the pamphlet.
BECKY: Mm-hm.
See, when you ask a
man, "How do I look?"...
men become... Mm,
how do I put this nicely?
Spineless jellyfish.
Yes, yes. You made what is
considered the classic rookie mistake.
You asked a man what he
thought and expected the truth.
I know you guys are a
lot older than me but...
Did I say older? I meant wiser.
But I can't believe what
you're saying about men.
It's true. When it comes to how we
look, guys will always avoid confrontation.
They would rather
hand over the remote.
You're exaggerating.
No, I'm not.
- Should we, uh, put it to the test?
- She's gotta learn sometime.
All right, Steve.
Ah, next scenario:
D.J. has just come home
from the beauty parlor...
and it looks like her hair was
greased with crank case oil.
You say...?
"Wow, your hair looks
beautiful, not dry, like other girls."
That is excellent, Steven.
Complimentary without a hint of waffle.
Okay, Deej, watch and learn.
BECKY: Well, don't
you guys look nice.
All right, Steve-o,
watch and learn.
Becky, you are a vision of...
What's with the shoes? You
forgot to change your shoes.
What, you don't like them?
I thought they looked cute.
Aw, hey, babe, cute as a bug.
I can't tell you how many times I
saw Michael Jordan and thought:
"Ooh, cute shoes!"
- Thanks, honey. That's sweet.
- Ah...
See? See that? That
was a nice recovery.
You are learning from
a master over there.
[EARRINGS CLATTERING]
I'm ready.
Vicky, sweetheart. Are you
shopping at Sea World again, honey?
Oh, you mean the
earrings? Aren't these great?
Oh, yeah. Oh, they're fabulous.
The great thing about
them is, when I nibble
on your ear, I can
listen to the ocean.
- Ooh.
- See?
Steve-o, Steve-o, that was
beautiful. Why aren't you taking notes?
D.J.: I'm ready.
All right. Go get them, k*ller.
Wow, Deej, you look...
You look... You look...
You look, um, uh, like
nothing I've ever seen.
I'm going for an evening
look. What do you think?
Well, uh, on the positive side,
you're an excellent student.
I'm talking about my
makeup. Do you like it?
Um...
[STEVE GRUNTS]
Oh, guys, I can't do it. Ha.
You're so naturally beautiful.
Why you wearing all that goop?
You know, your face
looks like a parrot exploded.
I love you, Steve.
[D.J. GIGGLES]
Huh? Guys, see? Not every
woman is overly sensitive.
Overly sensitive?
Well, well, "overly" deriving
from the Greek word "overopolis"...
uh, meaning, "just enough, or
the perfect amount of sensitivity."
See, Steve? I knew you
would be honest with me.
Aunt Becky and Vicky
were trying to prove...
that men would say anything
to avoid confrontation.
What? We don't say
anything to avoid confrontation.
If there's something
on our minds, we say it.
- Hey, right on, brother man! Ya!
- Brother man!
And besides, I knew you were
fooling with those shoes the whole time.
I knew those
earrings were a joke.
- I love these earrings.
- So do I.
- I'm joking.
- So was I.
- Brother man!
- Brother man!
Well, I think that
proves our point.
We should get ready
before we're late.
And you know, you guys, you could
really learn something from Steve here.
[IN SQUEAKY VOICE]
Ah, I can't do it, guys.
[IN SQUEAKY VOICE] You're
so naturally beautiful, Deej.
Guys, guys. Come on, I thought
you, uh, avoided confrontation.
DANNY: Yeah, in the
house. Get outside.
Come on, guys, there's
nothing to feel down about.
Sometimes just making a
stand is a victory in itself.
It took courage to get up on that
stage and tell that rhino how you felt.
But I'm just a little kid.
He didn't even listen to me.
Yeah, he sure got his
tail out of there pretty fast.
Yeah, but all those kids
heard you guys today.
Might have saved them
from wasting their allowance...
or their tooth fairy
money on an Action Rigby.
You guys made a
big difference today.
Well, I don't feel different.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
RIGBY: Hi. Is my
little buddy, uh...
Oh.
- -Michelle Tanner here?
Uh, sure. Just a second.
[SHOUTS] Michelle,
it's Rip-off the Rhino!
RIGBY: Well, aren't you
just a thimble full of catnip?
Hi, Michelle.
May I help you?
Rigby, haven't you ripped
off enough kids today?
Why don't you take your plastic
and peddle it someplace else?
RIGBY: Oh, hear me out, big fella.
I got a surprise for you, Michelle.
I'm sending everyone who ordered
one of those dinky Action Rigbys...
one of these big,
plush, made-in-Taiwan...
super-cuddly huggable Rigbys.
- Now this is more like it.
- Thanks, Rigby.
No, thank you, Michelle...
for reminding me that making
kids happy is what Rigby's all about.
Anytime, Rigby.
RIGBY: Aw, shucks.
See? You guys can make a
difference. I'm very proud of both of you.
[JOEY CHUCKLES]
You know, he really is nice.
I'd take a b*llet
for that rhino.
RIGBY: Well, gotta
go. So long, guys.
Wait, Rigby. Aren't you
gonna do the Rigby dance?
RIGBY: Oh, well,
Rigby's playing racquetball
with Big Bird tonight,
but what the heck.
Hit it.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON
STEREO AND THEN RIGBY SINGING]
[RIGBY HOWLS AND THEN
DENISE & MICHELLE HOWL]