Hey, whispering Joe Gladstone
here at the Tanner bowl-o-rama.
And first up this evening
is Nicky Katsopolis.
Hey, Nicky, where are you from?
- I don't know.
- I don't know.
Okay, we'll get back to you on
that one. Okay, and let her rip.
Oh! Oh! Gutter ball.
So close yet so far away.
Okay, next up is Alex. And,
Alex, what is your strategy today?
I don't know.
Obviously, he's not
gonna tip his hand, folks.
Okay, go for it.
Oh!
Boys, the object of the game is to
try and knock some of the pins down.
Unbelievable. A perfect game.
High-fives are
flying. Yes, high-fives.
High-fives all around and a big
hug. Come here, you knuckleheads.
All right, yeah.
[ALL LAUGHING]
- Guys, what's up? How are you?
- Hey, hello, Steve.
Hey, where's D.J.?
I think she's up doing
her hair. Have a seat.
Oh, no way. Sorry, I
can't wait two hours.
Two hours on her hair? I
hope she's not cutting corners.
Well, I'll just
leave her a note.
Ew, I got hair in my cereal.
Boy, the prizes aren't
what they used to be.
I think we can solve this problem
with a little hair spray and a hairbrush.
I hate hair spray.
Makes my face all sticky.
You sit tight. I've got
just the thing for you.
- I'll give that to D.J.
- Thanks, I've got to go. I'm in a rush.
I got a Shakespeare test.
Much Ado About Nothing.
Hey, don't take it so
lightly. It's important.
- Well, bye, guys. DANNY: Bye.
- See you, Steve. DANNY:
Good luck with the test.
Here you go, Michelle. I got
the thing for you. Check this out.
I rigged up this gizmo one day when
I hair-sprayed one of my eyes shut.
Just put it on like that and, badda-boom,
you got yourself no spray in the face.
All right, come here so you
don't do this at the kitchen table.
Okay, now, up you go. Put the
little gizmo in front of your face.
- There you go, make sure all the hair...
- There we go.
- Okay, very good.
- Are you sure this is gonna work?
Of course. I've seen your Uncle
Jesse use this a thousand times a day.
All right.
JESSE: This side.
- Okay.
There you go. All right.
Wow, my face isn't a bit sticky.
When it comes to hair,
leave it to your Uncle J.
Thanks, Uncle Jesse. I'll bet
I'll have the hardest hair in class.
Give me a kiss. Oh, honey,
your hair is so nice and hard.
Have a good day.
Jess, let me see that thing.
This is a very
ingenious little gadget.
I bet you we could sell these.
There's a lot of people out there making
a fortune selling stuff just like this.
Come on, guys. I just hooked a handle
onto an old visor from a motorcycle helmet.
- You can't make money on that.
- Let me tell you about devices...
people said they
couldn't make money on.
The Pocket Fisherman,
the jerky maker...
the gas-powered toothbrush.
People will buy anything.
Hey, that gas-powered
toothbrush got great mileage.
Okay, it was a little hard
to start on a cold morning.
You think we can make
money on something like this?
We're talking about millions.
- Multimillions.
- So are we in business?
- What the heck?
I'm in. JOEY: All right.
- Yes, okay.
- Okay.
JOEY: You're the man. Yeah.
Hey, Deej, Steve was
just here. He left you a note.
I love when he writes
me little private notes.
- It's so romantic.
- Not this one.
He's cutting your date
short. He has to study.
You read my note?
Is it my fault that
when you hold it up to
the light you can see
everything, sugar lips?
You little snoop. You're toast.
Love to stay and
chat, but gotta live.
EDIE: Steve?
- Edie.
- I've got a surprise for you tonight.
- Oh, hey, cool. I love surprises.
I checked out a
cookbook. Dinner for Two.
STEVE: All right, so
what's on the menu tonight?
How does pasta romantico sound?
Anything's better than
root beer and string cheese.
Steve, you are adorable.
Well, thank you.
- So listen... EDIE: About 6?
- Sayonara, bug breath.
- See you, Kimmy.
What? You're not gonna insult
me back? Are you mad at me?
Sorry, something-face.
Are you okay?
No, I have a little problem.
Well, D.J.'s upstairs.
She might care.
I can't tell D.J.
Really? Is it about her?
- Well...
- It is, isn't it?
And it's hot. I can feel it.
When it comes to
dirt, I've got ESPN.
Okay.
I saw Steve in the
library with another girl.
So? There are lots
of girls at the library.
Well, not that I've ever been
there, but I hear that it's co-ed.
She said she was
gonna cook him dinner.
Maybe they're studying.
Pasta romantico?
Maybe they're studying German.
Kimmy, stay with
me. She kissed him.
I don't know what to do. If I tell
D.J., it's gonna break her heart.
Okay, before you
lay this one on D.J...
you better find out if Steve
really is a cheating dog.
- Will you help me?
- Sure.
But on one condition.
After, can we go back to
hating each other? I'd miss that.
Of course.
- Okay, I think that sounds good.
- All right, guess what, Beck. We did it.
- Did what?
- Well, we all chipped in.
We bought time on the
station's home shopping show.
There's an open spot. The
Underpants Elasticizer guy went broke.
We're going on the air live.
In a few hours, we'll introduce
the world to the Spray-Guard...
- Two Thousand and
One. GUYS: And One.
Moe, Larry, Curly...
you guys have lost it.
You can't go on tonight.
We have to. If we don't do it now,
someone will sell this tomorrow.
Jess, you only have one of those
Spray-Guard Two Thousands.
And one.
We'll just glue up a couple dozen
of those puppies for the display...
and slap together the other million
when the orders start coming in.
Slap and glue. That sounds
like quality control to me.
- Come on, hurry up.
- Relax.
Steve and D.J. won't be back
from the movie for a couple of hours.
Yes.
Okay, Columbo, we gotta
find something incriminating.
A love letter, a photo.
Something that says he's got a
little sweet pea stashed on the side.
Whoa.
I'd say this screams sweet pea.
I don't know. Steve
could lie and say it’s his.
Or maybe it is his.
[PHONE RINGING]
Quick, hide.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Shelly.
I'm good, but I'm
kind of crazed.
There's so much to
do before the wedding.
[STEPH GASPS]
I can't wait till we're married.
I've gotta go, but I'll
call you tomorrow, okay?
Bye.
I don't believe it. Steve's
living a double life.
Like on Oprah.
People married to two
people at the same time.
Oh, my God. Steve's a botanist.
Now we know Steve's a
two-timer. Let's get out of here.
Good idea.
[STEVE & D.J. LAUGHING]
Hide. Go, go, go.
Boy, I hope you're not too
bummed the movie was sold out.
Hey, Deej, who cares
about the movie?
- We got to tell her.
- Why?
She'll figure it out
when she sees towel girl.
You're right. We'll sneak
out during the catfight.
Look, I'm sorry we have to
make this such an early night...
- but, you know, I gotta study.
- It's okay, I understand.
- Ow. I've got a cramp in my foot.
- Shh.
You're the best. You'll
always be the only one for me.
Well, you will be the
only, only one for me.
Oh, yeah? Well, you'll always be
the only, only, only-est one for me.
- Steve?
- Edie.
What are you doing here?
[BOTH HISSING]
I thought you were
going to visit your fiancé.
- Yeah, I'm heading over there right now.
- Are you enjoying your visit?
Steve's the greatest host. He's
always been my favorite cousin.
Cousin? They're cousins?
Steve's marrying his cousin?
- All right, cool. Take care.
- Have fun. See you soon.
Bye, you guys.
Ow. These boots are k*lling me.
STEPH: Ugh.
Ew.
[D.J. SNIFFING]
Steve, what's that smell?
God, I have no idea.
Well, my goldfish d*ed last
week, but we flushed him.
[SNIFFING]
Steve. What are you doing here?
What are you guys doing here?
Well, it's kind of a
long story, and I don't
really wanna bore
you with the details.
Right. No harm, no fowl.
Glad I could be of help, Steph.
- Thank you, Kimmy.
- Let's go.
Hold it, hold it. You guys
aren't going anywhere.
I wanna know what
you're doing here.
Well, I kind of got the wrong idea
when I saw Steve and Edie at the library.
Wait, wait. You think
I could cheat on D.J.?
I can't believe you
violated our privacy.
You're lucky Steve
doesn't call the cops.
No, hey, Deej, don't overreact
here. It's not like they stole anything.
All right, one bag of M&Ms.
But I was gonna pay you back.
It was all Nancy Drew's
idea. She begged me.
It was your idea?
I'll be waiting in the car,
Steph. Take your time.
Steph, I can't take this
snooping thing anymore.
You read my diary, you
listen to my phone calls...
and now you break
into Steve's apartment.
- How much did you hear?
- Not much, really. Hardly anything.
Just that you're the only one for
him, and he's the only-est one for you.
Or maybe you're
the only-est one.
[STEPH MUMBLING]
Will you stop it?
This is the lowest
thing you've ever done.
- I was just trying to help.
- You wanna help? Then get out of my life.
Hey. Hey, what are you doing?
Why are you painting
those pink? I hate pink.
Because, Jess, believe it or
not, women use hair spray too.
And check this out.
I glued some foam lining around
the edge of the shield for extra comfort.
Very good thinking. Now
we can charge extra money.
We're on the air live
in two minutes. Ready?
- I'm there.
- All right.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, boys. Hi, guys.
You guys ready to sit down...
and watch your old man get rich on
the Spray-Guard Tow Thousand and...
- And One.
- And One.
All right. Beck, I've a
very special job for you.
Here, I'll show you. Here it
is, right here. Come over here.
Check this out.
You'll love this.
Special sound-effects machine I
borrowed from the radio station.
Watch. Watch all
the little things it does.
Like if you want
applause, you do this fader.
[APPLAUSE EFFECT]
Want laughter? Go here.
[LAUGHTER EFFECT]
I don't know, Jess.
I'm not familiar with this.
Don't worry about it. Check
this out. I made labels for you.
Here, watch.
Here, stand up, son.
See? Let's see. Four was
laughter. Applause was two.
Okay, folks, we have a show to do, and
we are live in five, four, three, two...
Thank you, Jimmy.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to Incredibly
Fantastic Discoveries.
Everybody.
[APPLAUSE EFFECT]
Okay.
I am Danny Tanner, host
of Wake up, San Francisco...
and I am very, very
proud to introduce to you...
a revolutionary new product. The
Spray-Guard Two Thousand and One.
But first, let's meet the very,
very gifted inventor and creator...
of the Spray-Guard
Two Thousand and One.
He is a local radio personality
and owner of the Smash Club.
He's half genius, half visionary, half
Greek. I give you Jesse Katsopolis.
[APPLAUSE EFFECT]
JESSE: Hey, hey,
hey. DANNY: Hey.
All right, there
you go. Thank...
Thank you, I'm touched. Thanks,
really. Sit down, people. Really...
[APPLAUSE EFFECT RISE AND FALLS]
Please, tell us all about...
- the Spray-Guard Two Thousand and One.
- And One.
I'd love to. Hey, no more
embarrassing sticky foreheads, right?
Right here, with the new...
- Spray-Guard Two Thousand and One.
- And One. All I can say is amen to that.
- Hallelujah and have some mercy.
- Thank you, Jesse.
If you would, please tell us how the Spray-
Guard Two Thousand and One came about.
I'd love to, Danny. To
help me out is my niece...
- And my daughter.
- Michelle Tanner.
[APPLAUSE EFFECT]
Okay, thank you.
Michelle, tell the people
out there the funny
thing that happened
to you this morning.
Out where?
Out there in TV land. You
know, for the millions of people.
- Millions. That's a lot, right?
- Yeah, yeah, and they're all out there...
and they wanna hear the funny thing
that happened to you this morning. sh**t.
- I forgot.
- No, no. You know what it is?
Her mind is still reeling in amazement
after having witnessed in action...
- the Spray-Guard Two Thousand...
- And One. I got that right.
Yes, you did. Bye-bye,
Michelle. Good to see you.
- Thank you, Michelle.
- Where's all that clapping coming from?
Run along, child.
Okay. Now, to help explain how
the Spray-Guard Two Thousand...
- And One.
- And One works...
I'd like to bring out
our head of research.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give
a big hand for Dr. Joseph Gladstone.
Thank you, Jesse, Danny.
After years of painstaking
research and development...
we've proven that
the Spray-Guard...
- Two Thousand and One...
- And one.
Protects the frontal
cranial region...
from the damaging effects
of airborne hair-care products.
Doctor, could you please
explain that in layman's terms?
Well, Danny, in
layman's terms...
it keeps gunk out of your face.
See? Take a look at this.
Nothing gets through.
[APPLAUSE EFFECT]
Now, doctor, if you will hand over the
Spray-Guard Two Thousand and One...
I will show the people how easy it
is to use in their very own homes.
- Doctor?
- Certainly, Jesse.
Doc, the Spray-Guard.
- Give me the thing, man.
- Ow. Ow, ow.
It's glued to my head. It's
stuck. Somebody help me.
Becky. Becky.
You're needed in
the laboratory, doctor.
[CHICKEN CLUCKING EFFECT]
BECKY: Oh, no, don't touch that.
- Where are all the labels?
- Here, Mommy.
- Here. BECKY: Thank you.
And now, doctor, if you'll
give me the hair spray...
I will demonstrate the proper
use of the Spray-Guard...
- Two Thousand and One.
- And One.
Just a sec, boss. It's
getting a little foggy in here.
JESSE: Joey, give me the
hair spray, man. We're on TV.
- Okay.
- Okay, ladies and gentlemen.
I give you with
no further delay...
- the Spray-Guard Two Thousand and One.
- And One.
Here's the hair spray. I
must have given Jesse the...
You see how easy it works?
- Jess. JESSE: What is it?
Ugh...
- You missed a spot.
- Thank you.
There we go. See that?
Isn't that amazing?
No sticky face. Everybody.
[BAGPIPE PLAYING
EFFECTS MACHINE]
That means we have a
caller, evidently from Scotland.
- Yes, go ahead please. MAN
[ON SPEAKERS]: Yeah, hello?
I think you guys have
one heck of a product.
Well, thank you, sir. So do we.
Yes, in fact, I thought so two
years ago, when I invented it.
If you try to sell even
one hair spray shield,
I'll sue you for every
penny you're worth.
- You will?
- Yeah.
And by the way,
your hair is pink.
What do you mean my hair
is pink? What happened?
Ah!
- Ah!
- Ah!
I'm gonna k*ll you, Joey!
Look, the Spray-Guard Two Thousand
and One is not just for hair spray.
You can use it as
a sneeze guard.
[SNEEZES]
JOEY: A little turpentine,
Jesse, it'll come out.
A rain hat.
[YODELING & BAGPIPES
PLAYING ON EFFECTS MACHINE]
A granola scoop.
Deej, can I talk to you?
I made you some popcorn. Come
on, smell the buttery goodness.
Deej, come on, talk to me.
Deej, look, it's a perfect bowl.
Almost every kernel popped.
- You're ignoring me, right?
- Right.
Hey, you talked to me.
We're making progress here.
There are other people living in this
house. Try torturing them for a change.
I wasn't trying to t*rture you.
It was just an
unfortunate side effect.
Steph, you can't joke
your way out of this.
- I was just trying to protect you.
- Well, you don't need to protect me.
But you're my sister.
You're a pain in the
neck. I'm sick of it.
Okay, fine.
Maybe this time, I messed
up, but someday you'll need me.
But I won't be there, because
you want me out of your life forever.
Steph.
I was hoping you'd miss me.
Steph, I don't want
you out of my life.
You don't?
No.
I want you out
of my private life.
My diaries, my phone
calls, Steve's apartment.
All the good stuff, huh?
Steph, if you thought that Steve
was seeing somebody else...
why didn't you just tell me?
Well, I didn't wanna put you
through all that pain unless I was sure.
When something hurts
you, it hurts me too.
Well, I guess you were
in a pretty tough spot.
Yeah.
Do you forgive me?
Yes. Come here, you knucklehead.
Deej, I'm really sorry. I
just didn't know what to do.
Well, Steph, if you ever have a
problem, just come and talk to me...
or Steve or Dad or
Comet, anybody but Kimmy.
Yeah, I'll try to
remember that next time.
And from now on, I
promise, no more snooping.
Oh, hi.
Michelle, how dare you listen
in on our private conversation.
Where does she learn this stuff?
Popcorn.
Good, isn't it?