[JOEY IMITATING ELECTRIC GUITAR]
- Brownies.
- Yummy.
Shh! We gotta be sneaky.
[JOEY HUMMING]
Come on.
Nicky, when I count to
three, you pick up the plate.
One, two, three.
Oops, busted.
Okay, you little brownie-nabber,
hand over the baked goods.
You heard the man.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
This is cool. Look, they
didn't cancel the stamp.
Got myself a freebie.
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm gonna use the stamp again.
It's called saving 29 cents. Or in
your language, half an Almond Joy.
D.J., talk to your uncle...
before he ends up in an episode
of America's Most Wanted.
He's trying to cheat
the U.S. Postal Service.
- I'm not cheating.
- Oh, correction.
- Stealing.
- All right, fine, fine.
Want the stamp? Here.
Here's the stupid
stamp. There you go.
Guys, I'd love to stay and chat, but
my SATs are tomorrow, remember?
The test that determines
what college I get into?
If I don't nail this, I'm
not gonna go to Stanford.
Hey, Kimmy, where are
you applying? Clown college?
Well, I do have an in. My
Uncle Gibbo is the dean.
Why am I not surprised?
We have to study.
Hey, Jess, look what I made. This
potato kind of looks like Joe Pesci.
That's funny.
[IMITATING JOE PESCI]
Okay, funny, like, like what?
Like I amuse you?
Like a french fry? Like...?
Okay, all right.
Okay, like what, huh?
Joey, I have one word for you:
Dating.
What are you looking at?
What are you looking at?
You looking at me? I'm looking
back at you, you little spud head.
AUDIENCE [ON TV]: Wheel of Fortune.
- Wheel of Fortune.
["THEME FROM WHEEL OF
FORTUNE" PLAYING ON TV]
[AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING ON TV]
Do you mind?
I'm trying to study.
Hey, we can learn
a lot from Vanna.
She knows where every
letter on that board is.
Kimmy, look at
this practice test.
I have to raise my score 150
points if I'm gonna get into Stanford.
Safety ranger and
deputies coming through.
- Michelle, what are you doing?
- It's safety week at school.
My deputies are helping
me look for violations.
Hmm.
Ah!
[WHISTLE SOUNDS]
Safety violation.
Safety violation.
Violation.
Whose jacket is this?
It's mine, squirt.
What's it to you?
Clothes on a lamp can cause
a fire. I'm giving you a ticket.
Deputy, do your duty.
Michelle, I really
don't have time for this.
There's always time for safety.
Well, for your
own safety, get out.
Come on, guys, let's go.
Okay, on Friday, we
can either do our remote...
from the opening
of the new highway...
or the unveiling of the world's
largest chocolate bunny.
Becky, we really have no choice.
Wake Up, San Francisco
has a reputation to uphold.
You're right.
- Highway.
- Bunny.
Danny, the new highway
is an engineering miracle.
How can you compare that to
an oversized chocolate rodent?
They promised
they'd give us the ears.
D.J., Becky and I
need some help.
We can't decide what
to do on Friday's show.
Why don't you do it
about a high school junior...
who flunks her SATs and ends
up as a pathetic drain on society?
Too late, Deej, my brother Garth
already sold his life story to Hard Copy.
- See you.
- Bye.
- Hey, guys, guess what.
- I gotta get back to work.
But this is really important.
My friend's teacher says I
have an ear for languages.
Can you say something in French?
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
- What does that mean?
- There's cheese on my nose.
- Everybody, time for dinner.
- Yeah, I think you'll like it.
It's just something I whipped up
with the aid of a little meat-loaf helper.
That would be me.
Well, thanks, guys, but I'm
just gonna make some tea.
Don't you want some dinner?
I'm so nervous I
can't even chew.
Wait a second. Come
back and close the door.
I just wanna talk to you.
I'm worried about D.J. and
her taking this test tomorrow.
- I've never seen her this nervous.
- That's what I'm worried about.
I remember in school I had
a really important track meet.
- I just got totally overanxious.
- What happened?
Ran the fastest
sprint of my career.
- What's wrong with that?
- It was the high jump.
Ran right into the bar.
I just think D.J.
will do better...
on this test tomorrow if we
downplay the whole thing.
So if it comes up at all, just say,
"Hey, it's no big deal. It's just a test."
Repeat after me. Ready?
It's no big deal,
it's just a test.
ALL: It's no big
deal, it's just a test.
I think she'll buy that. I do.
D.J., why don't you sit
down and eat with us?
No, Dad, really, I can't.
Oh, come on, Deej.
I made your favorite.
Meat loaf and potatoes.
I'm really losing it. That
potato looks like Joe Pesci.
[IMITATES JOE PESCI] See, huh? See, I
told you, you smart-aleck wax-bean head.
Guys, really, I'm never gonna
get into Stanford if I don't go study.
Sweetheart, it's no big deal.
ALL: It's just a test.
What, did you
guys rehearse that?
- No, not at all.
- No.
- Hey, everybody, how you doing?
- Hi.
- Hi, Deej.
- Hi.
Deej, I just read this article
that said if you listen to Mozart...
- it can raise your IQ by 10 points.
- Steve, she doesn't need any CDs.
- Look, it's no big deal...
- It's just a test.
Actually, I was gonna say
it's simply an examination but...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- Yes? Can I help you?
- There he is.
That's the beast that's been
barking at my Anastasia.
Look, D.J., I swear I
don't know an Anastasia.
I don't know what
she's talking about.
Not you. I'm talking
about that devil dog.
Every time we walk
by your yard, he barks.
Scared my little
girl half to death.
I'm sorry, but you
must be mistaken.
Comet is the kindest, gentlest,
most harmless dog in the world.
I am telling you, that dog's
barking is ruining the neighborhood.
Look, lady, nobody
in this family barks.
Well, now we see
where he gets it.
- Deej, you gotta calm down.
- Well, this test is driving me crazy.
I know it's a lot of pressure
on you, but don't worry about it.
I mean, hey,
I'll still love you.
Even if the only thing
you get right is your name.
Maybe I should write it
on my hand just in case.
[WHISTLE SOUNDS]
- Michelle, what are you doing?
- Safety violation.
What? What happened?
What did I do?
Sleeping too close to a
pencil. You can poke an eye out.
Michelle, I have a
test tomorrow morning.
It is tomorrow morning.
It's five to 8? Oh,
no, I overslept.
I'm gonna be late for my test.
And now you've heard all of
the instructions and changes.
Oh, it's you, the one
with the mad dog.
You're giving the test?
Life's funny, isn't it?
What are these changes?
If you had been here on
time, you would've heard them.
You know, your entire
future rests with this.
It's not just a test.
- Tell me about it.
- I just did.
Now, sit down.
Nice slippers, Deej.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I overslept.
Kimmy, what are the changes?
You may now take out
your number four pencils.
Number four pencils?
I thought we were supposed
to use number two pencils.
Wake up and smell the changes.
To begin, everyone write your
names on the answer sheet.
[PENCIL BREAKS]
All right, everybody, we will
begin with the math section.
You may take out your
calculators and begin.
Hey, my calculator's gone.
I must have dropped
it somewhere.
- Excuse me.
- We are in the middle of a test.
This is an emergency.
D.J., you dropped your
calculator on the stairs.
- Oh, great, you brought it.
- I stepped on it.
But I brought this.
And the addition
key? It doesn't work.
Leave this classroom
immediately.
Oh, I got something for you too.
Look. Potato for the teacher.
Looks kind of like
Joe Pesci, doesn't it?
[IMITATES JOE
PESCI] Okay, okay, okay.
Joe Pesci is somewhat taller.
Now, get out.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Boy, what got into
you? Somebody drop a house on your sister?
[IMITATES TOTO]
[IMITATES THE COWARDLY LION]
Hey, lady...
Do what you want with me
but don't hurt the children.
But please do what
you want with me.
Listen, my niece ran out
without eating breakfast.
- I brought her this breakfast burrito.
- No, we can't have food in here.
No, you don't understand. I gotta
give her this burrito. This is my niece.
I was there the day that she was born,
and believe me, she was a beautiful baby.
I remember rocking her in my arms and she
was looking up with those beautiful eyes.
I beg you, by all that is good
and all that is perfect in this world...
Uncle Jesse, really.
I'm not that hungry.
Pipe down. I'm on a roll.
- If I could just...
- Fine.
- Give her the burrito.
- Thank you.
Here you go, Deej.
Where is that
attractive hoodlum?
JESSE [OVER WALKIE-TALKIE]:
Testing, one, two, three. Testing.
D.J., can you hear me?
It's me.
Listen, I got the answer
book and I'm going to help you.
The answer to number one is B.
I heard that. Close your
booklet, you're out of here.
I had nothing to do with it. I
don't even like breakfast burritos.
I'm more of a waffle person.
Not you. I heard a man's voice.
- You.
- I don't have a man's voice.
Cheater. You're history.
Oh, my mother's gonna k*ll me.
Too bad. You can forget
about college, squeaky.
JESSE: The answer
to number two is D.
JOEY: Jess, you're
cheating. I knew it.
It starts with a stolen
stamp and it comes to this.
JESSE: What are you doing here?
I'm not cheating.
I'm giving her hints.
D.J., hint on number three, A.
JOEY: Now, that's
cheating. JESSE: It's hinting.
JOEY: Cheating. JESSE: Hinting.
JOEY: Cheating. JESSE: Hinting.
JOEY: Cheating. JESSE: Hinting.
JESSE: Hinting.
Hinting. JOEY: Cheating.
- Cheating. JESSE: Hinting.
JOEY: Cheating. JESSE: Hinting.
All right, everybody, pen...
Pencils down.
Math section is over. We
will now start with section two.
Speed Latin.
Speed Latin?
I don't even know slow Latin.
What is it now?
[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Bonjour,
I am Pierre from the maintenance.
I heard there was a
trouble with a wobbly chair.
There it is.
I'll have it fixed before you
can say, "Chevrolet coupé."
Steph, what are you doing here?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm here to
help you. I've got an ear for languages.
How's your speed Latin?
[SPEAKS IN LATIN]
- What does that mean?
- You're dead meat.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
There you go.
Oh, that's much better.
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
- Dad?
- Pierre.
Wake up, San Francisco.
I'm Danny Tanner.
- I'm Rebecca Donaldson.
- And I'm Gertrude Twitchel.
[MOUTHS] Hi, Mom.
Dad, Aunt Becky, what
are you doing here?
Sweetheart, we're
doing a cover story...
on your SATs, live,
up close and personal.
No, Dad, it's just a test.
Yeah, right.
So, D.J., how is it going?
It's terrible. It's a disaster.
Ooh. This could be
humiliating. Let's watch.
Pencils down,
everyone. Time's up.
- Time's up? I haven't even started.
- Oh, stop bellyaching.
- It's time to grade the tests.
- Here? Now?
Yes, that's right. And here to help
us is the queen of consonants...
the vixen of vowels, the
very beautiful and talented...
Vanna White.
["THEME FROM WHEEL
OF FORTUNE" PLAYING]
[ALL APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]
Miss White, this is an honor.
There's something I wanted to ask
you. Do you get paid by the letter?
You know when they buy a
vowel? That money goes to me.
- Even the Y?
- Sometimes.
Okay, Kimmy, it's time
to grade that paper.
[BEEPING AND CHIMING]
DANNY: A perfect score!
All right. Vanna, let's see what
Kimmy's future holds for her.
["THEME FROM WHEEL
OF FORTUNE" PLAYING]
ALL: S-T-A-N... F-O-R-D.
- Stanford!
- Stanford!
Congratulations, Kimmy.
You've won a full scholarship
to Stanford University.
Is that ironic or what?
Well, now, it's time
to grade D.J.'s paper.
I can't wait to
see what she got.
No, really, I don't want to.
Yes, you do. Come
on in, everybody.
- It's time to grade D.J.'s
paper. REBECCA: Yeah.
DANNY: Is everybody ready for
the proudest moment of their lives?
STEVE: Yeah.
- No, Dad.
Stop. I can't believe
this is happening.
- Uncle Jesse, help me.
- Sure, Deej, listen, I'm there for you.
By God, Vanna White. Hi, Vanna.
- Hi.
- Nice to see you.
Let me just say I'm a
huge fan of your work.
In fact, your hair is the reason
why I got a large-screen TV.
Thank you. If my hair
has made a difference
in one person's life,
it's all been worth it.
Vanna White.
Well, thanks. Well, let me just
say that you're a national treasure.
Yeah, I know.
All right, Deej.
Now it's time for the moment
you've been waiting for your entire life.
[BEEPING AND CHIMING]
ALL: Aww.
Oh, that's a shame, Deej.
You got everyone wrong.
You're a disgrace
to the entire family.
Let's see what's
left of your future.
ALL: C-L-O-W... N-blank-U-blank.
Clown U.
Well, D.J., it looks like you're
going to Clown University.
ALL: Ohh.
Hey, Deej. Here you go.
That's a good look for you.
[JOEY HONKS]
Hey, Comet, how'd you
like to have D.J.'s room?
COMET: Oh, boy, thanks, Dad.
Steve, you still
love me, don't you?
Oh, of course I do, D.J.
Oh, come on, so what if
you screwed up the test?
- At least you spelled your name right.
- Oh, not even close.
What? I wrote "D.J. Tanner."
Abbreviations are
strictly forbidden.
You missed your own name?
[WHISTLE SOUNDS]
Stupid violation. Duh.
Shame, shame, D.J.
ALL: Shame, shame, D.J.
Oh, Steven, guess
who got a prefect score...
and their name right.
I love a girl with brains.
No, no, get your
hands off of him.
No, no.
Get your hands off of him.
- Get away from him.
- Let's go, D.J.
- No, no, no.
DANNY: Let's go, D.J.
DANNY: Let's go,
D.J. D.J.: No, no.
DANNY: Let's go, D.J.
- No. DANNY: Yes, yes, yes.
You don't wanna be
late for your test, honey.
Dad.
It was horrible.
There were all kinds of changes.
I had the wrong pencils.
The burrito talked.
Hope this was a dream.
It was a nightmare.
Dad, you wouldn't believe it.
I failed my SAT and
Kimmy got a perfect score.
You're right, I wouldn't believe it.
Come on, honey, we really have to go.
Dad, I can't. I
can't face this test.
Can you write me a note
to get me out of college?
D.J.
Sweetheart, you
really have to get going.
This is a very
important day for you.
But you said it was no
big deal, it was just a test.
Yeah, I know I said that. I...
I guess I just didn't mean it.
Well, then why did you say it?
- Because I didn't want you to be nervous.
- But that was making me more nervous.
Okay, so I guess
it didn't work, then.
No, not really.
I'm sorry, Deej.
I was just trying
to protect you.
I remember in high school when
I took my SATs, I was a wreck.
I did the first 12
questions with an eraser.
So how'd you do?
Not bad, once I turned
my pencil around.
So I guess I just
gotta face it, huh?
Honey, you've done
everything you could do.
You're prepared. You
studied really hard.
Everybody believes in you.
I think what you have to do now is
just, you know, believe in yourself...
and do the best you can do.
Thanks, Dad.
[FOOTSTEPS]
This isn't happening.
Good morning, my name is Mrs. Moffatt,
and I'll be administering this test.
To begin, write your
name on your answer sheet.
I'm drawing a blank.
Excuse me, are number
two pencils okay?
I'm sorry, we're
using number fours.
- What?
- I'm kidding.
Relax, it's just a test.