07x19 - Love On The Rocks

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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A widower enlists help to raise his three daughters..
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07x19 - Love On The Rocks

Post by bunniefuu »

Simon says dance like
you have ants in your pants.

Simon says stop.

Sit on the floor.

Boys, stand up. I
never said "Simon says."

- Who's Simon?
- He's bossy.

You can only move when
Simon says. It's the rules.

Okey-dokey.

All right, g*ng. Ice cream time.

JESSE: Get it while it's cold.

JESSE: Let's go.
- Can't do it.

- Why?
- It's the rules.

What is that?

Uncle Jesse, they just
learned how to play Simon Says.

Oh, Simon Sa... All right.

Simon says time for ice cream.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Come on. Come on, go get it.

I gotta remember
that at bath time.

Hey, T-Bag, meet my
new boyfriend, Keanu.

Hey, nice to meet you.

Uh, ha...

Actually, my name is John.
Kimmy just likes calling me Keanu.

Actually, my name is Danny.

Kimmy just can't remember it.

I can't get over that movie.

See, now that I'm taking this film class,
I can appreciate all the symbolism...

you know, all the
metaphor, the subtexts.

Steve, we saw
Ernest Gets a Bee Bite.

You two actually
watched the movie?

Kimmy, a relationship
isn't just making out.

[KIMMY LAUGHS]

Oh, my God. You're serious.

Come on, let's get out of
here before we get boring.

D.J.: Boring?
- That is so far off.

So you wanna watch TV?

- Hey, I got the remote tonight.
- No, Deej, come on.

Forget about the TV, okay?

I gotta talk to you
about something.

My film class is going down to
L.A. for a special seminar next week.

Next week? That's my school
vacation, I thought we'd be together.

I know. I feel terrible...

but my professor picked me and
five other people out of the whole class.

She says I have a critical eye.

It's because whenever she
shows a film I'm the first to yell:

"Hey, hey, focus!"

You're not laughing.
All right, I'll stay.

No. Go. It's a good
opportunity for you.

Thanks, Deej. You're the best.

What is going on here?

[YAWNING] Why
is everyone so tired?

I'd ask Nicky and Alex but
I don't wanna wake them.

Hey, uh, where the
heck's the newspaper at?

I checked all the usual places, the hedge,
under the car, Gibbler's coffee table.

[IN IRISH ACCENT] Oh, top of the
morning to you. Where's me Lucky Charms?

Hey. You guys won't believe this.
I was driving to the Health Club...

and according to the radio,
it's 5:00 in the morning.

It's not 5:00 in the
morning. It's 8:00, look.

[JOEY LAUGHING]

April Fools.

Morning breath.

- It's not even April yet.
- I know.

But every year when I try and catch you
with an April's Fool's joke, you expect it.

This, however,
was brilliant. Ha!

You were totally surprised.

I changed every watch
and clock in the house.

I knew it was too early.

When I woke up, I didn't even
need to go to the bathroom.

I think I speak for everyone
in the house when I say:

Pack your bags, you're
moving out. Get out.

[CHATTERING]

Come on, you guys, it was a joke.
Isn't anybody gonna be a good sport?

Forget it. You're
going down, Gladstone.

This was absolutely ridiculous.

Look on the bright side. We get a
couple hours extra sleep. See you.

[IN IRISH ACCENT] Ah,
top of the day to you, ha-ha.

I'll get the kids.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Time for breakfast.

No, it's not time for breakfast.

There's been a little
mix-up here and we're

gonna get more hours
of sleep this morning.

- No sleep. No sleep.
- No sleep. No sleep.

BOTH: No sleep. No sleep.
- Yes sleep. Yes sleep.

[IN UNISON] No sleep. No sleep.

I think I'll put
them in Joey's bed.

BOTH: No sleep. No sleep.

BOTH: No sleep. No sleep.
JESSE: Yes sleep. Yes sleep.

BOTH: No sleep. No sleep.
JESSE: Yes sleep. Yes sleep.

- Hey, Deej, aren't you going back to bed?
- No, I don't think I can sleep.

What's the problem?

It's me and Steve.

I mean, you should
see Kimmy and Keanu.

You have to pry them
apart with the jaws of life.

[BECKY CHUCKLES]

Steve and I used
to be like that.

You know, we never want
to be apart for a minute.

Well, it's normal for a
relationship to go through stages.

I mean, the first stage is
always hot because it's new.

And when it's not so new?

Then find out if you have more
going on than just the initial attraction.

Find out if you have
the same interests.

But you and Uncle
Jesse have been together

forever and you're
still hot for each other.

That's one of our interests.

[D.J. CHUCKLES]

Deej, come on. It's
gonna be a great party.

I can't. Steve's
gonna call from L.A.

Besides, I would
feel weird by myself.

Well, you won't be by
yourself. You'll be with us.

- You'll be making out all night.
- Well, we'll need a spotter.

- I'll pass.
- Then at least come with us tomorrow.

- Yeah, we're gonna climb Eagle Mountain.
- Thanks but I'm more of a mall dweller.

Suit yourself.

Come on. Let's get to the party
before all the good couches are taken.

- Hey, Deej. JESSE:
Here we go. Hee-hee!

Deej. Since you're babysitting tonight,
we have got a really important job for you.

We have figured out a
great trick to play on Joey.

It's Operation Payback.

- Great. How does it work?
- Take notes on this, sweetie.

You know how every week
Joey buys lottery tickets...

and thinks he's gonna
make the big score?

Well, this time, we're
gonna make him think he did.

- Well, that's kind of cruel.
- Exactly.

Now, your mission, should
you choose to accept it...

is to tape the
lottery show tonight.

We're gonna go get the same numbers,
and switch that ticket with Joey's ticket.

The next time Joey sits down to
watch the lotto drawing, we play the tape.

The numbers match exactly, he thinks
he's a zillionaire and it's shaft city.

Then we tell him he didn't win and
laugh at him like he laughed at us.

No, no, no, we
laugh much harder.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, it looks like you're
my Saturday night dates.

- What do you wanna do?
- I wanna be a farmer.

Come on, D.J.

You be a goat. Be a goat.

[BLEATING] I'm a goat.

I'm a goat.

[PHONE RINGS]

[BLEATING] Hello?

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Hello? STEVE [ON PHONE]: D.J.?

Steve. How's L.A.?

It's incredible, Deej.

They took us to this
beautiful restaurant in

Beverly Hills. There
are stars everywhere.

Listen to this, I met Tom
Cruise's dental hygienist.

I've been seeing the greatest
films by these awesome directors.

Deej, I can't tell you, it's
been so amazingly stimulating.

STEVE: So, what
have you been up to?

Well...

I've been making
really neat goat sounds.

WOMAN: Excuse me.

Uh, do you mind if I used
the phone? My flip phone d*ed.

D.J., Suzanne Somers
just touched me.

I gotta go, okay?
I love this town.

Steve?

- It's all yours.
- Thanks.

Oh, and if I may say so.

Thanks to ThighMaster...

my mom's got the cutest
buns on the whole block.

[SOMERS LAUGHING]

How nice for your dad.

Thanks. Thank you.

Uh, I stayed home for that?

What am I doing with my life?

I don't know.

Well, I'm not waiting around for
anybody. I'm going to that party.

Bye-bye, D.J.

Have fun.

I intend to.

Okay. Tonight, I'm babysitting.

But tomorrow is a brand new day.

[GRUNTING]

Kimmy, you're doing great.

- You must be part mountain goat.
- Could be.

You know when my grandfather got mad,
he used to lower his head and ram people.

[JOHN LAUGHING]

D.J.

Doesn't she just cr*ck you up?

Yeah. Remind me to laugh,
if we ever make it back down.

Whoa.

We're really high.

- Aren't you guys scared at all?
- I'm too dumb to be scared.

Okay. Just a little more
and we'll be at the top.

We're going up that?

It's easier than it looks. There's
hand and foot holds all the way up.

JOHN: Just follow me.

[HAWK SCREECHING]

I love this view.

KIMMY: I could watch
him climb all day.

Kimmy.

Forget the view. You
almost fell off the mountain.

Yeah, but what a way to go.

JOHN: You girls, coming up?
- Be right there, lover boy.

I can't move. I'm too scared.

Why did I ever do this?

You said you didn't
wanna be stuck at home...

while Steve's out sharing
phones with the rich and the sexy.

Yeah, but I don't wanna
be stuck on this ledge either.

Deej, you gotta face this fear. I mean,
what's the worst that could happen to you?

Well...

I could fall and be splattered
into thousands of little pieces...

on these very
hard, pointy rocks.

There you go.

A hand, please.

D.J.: Kimmy.
- D.J., I've got you.

KIMMY: Oh.
- Give me your hand.

[JOHN GRUNTS AND D.J. PANTING]

Deej, you did it.

I did do it. I
conquered my fear.

God...

Look at this view. It's
a... You can see forever.

This is spectacular I feel
like I'm on top of the world.

Deej, will you stop yakking?
You're k*lling the mood.

I can't believe I
almost missed this.

In some weird way, Kimmy, I
couldn't have done this without you.

Hey, you taught me
how to shave my pits.

What goes around, comes around.

- Hi, D.J.
- Steve, what are you doing here?

Oh, nothing. Just waiting
around for about three hours.

I came home today. We
had a date, remember?

Oh, it's Saturday.
You're home from L.A.

I don't know what happened
this week. I've been so busy.

Well, thanks, it's nice
to know you missed me.

I'm sorry. I've just been
doing so much stuff.

I even got to hang out
with Steph and Michelle.

D.J.: I forgot how
much I liked them.

Did you forget you
had a boyfriend?

No.

But my whole life doesn't
revolve around you.

Yeah, it revolves around us.

Uh, we'll be upstairs
if you need us.

You know, I know
what this is about.


You're just trying to get
back at me for going to L.A.

Steve, I'm not trying
to get back at you.

You share one phone with Suzanne
Somers, and you think you're Mr. Hollywood.

I cannot believe that you are
jealous of me and Suzanne.

Jealous? Steve... Go home.

Okay, all right. I'm going home.

But it's not because
you told me to...

it's because my mom said
not to be late for dinner.

And I don't intend to be.

Okay, Jojo, time for
the big lottery drawing.

Okay, Michelle, turn up
the TV, then turn on the tape.

Joey. Joey, be with your
family. The people who love you.

You guys are always telling me how
dumb I am for buying lottery tickets.

Oh, not today, Joey. We
are here to cheer you on.

Yeah, it is your lucky day,
buddy. Michelle, turn on the sound.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
And here are numbers...

in this week's Super
Lotto $50-million jackpot:

ANNOUNCER: Fourteen.
- Hey, I actually got one.

ANNOUNCER: Five.
- Yes.

ANNOUNCER: Twenty-nine.
- Yes.

ANNOUNCER: Forty-one. JOEY: Yes.

ANNOUNCER: Twenty-three.
- Oh, my God, yes.

ANNOUNCER: And
the last number is six.

Yes, yes, yes! I
won! I did it, I'm rich!

Oh, Michelle. I think I'll
buy a ranch, a big ranch.

I'll get you that pony you always wanted.
Oh, forget the pony. I'll buy you a horse.

A big horse, a big 10-foot tall
horse, with a golden saddle.

[JOEY LAUGHS]

- I'm a 50 millionaire. Yes!
- Joey, Joey, this... It's incredible.

I wanna touch it, feel it. I
wanna smell this puppy.

I said he was his
lucky day, let me smell.

- I was smelling first.
- You smell the puppy second.

DANNY: You're being a
baby. JESSE: No, I'm not.

Guys, don't rip it.

- Let go of it.
- Fine.

My money! My $50 million.

JOEY: Let me at it. Give it to me.
- Don't, don't, don't, Joey.

- You'll burn your hand.
JOEY: I'll buy a new one.

Joey, Joey, Joey,
face it, it's gone.

- Gone?
- Yeah.

Well, Joey, you
know what they say?

[IN UNISON] April fools!

- What?
- Gotcha.

You mean this was a
joke? But I saw it on TV.

No, no, no. We taped the
drawing from last week, right?

We bought those numbers
and switched that with your ticket.

- But there's no tape in there.
- There is. I put it in there this morning.

I pressed the play button.

I'm telling you,
there's no tape in there.

I took it out this morning
to clean the heads.

We were watching the real show.

Have mercy, Joey's
ticket actually won.

[IN UNISON] The fireplace!

DANNY: Man.

[JESSE SIGHS]

It's nothing but ashes in there.

Well, g*ng, you
know what they say:

April fools! Ha-ha-ha.

- What?
- What?

The tape was in
there the whole time.

Oh, that knucklehead
got us again.

Here's a little hint, next time
don't label it "Joke on Joey."

Oops.

[JOEY CHUCKLING]

g*ng, next time, don't
mess with the king.

[IN UNISON] April fools!

Hey.

What are you doing up?

I'm just having some
tea and thinking.

What a coincidence. I was
just thinking of having some tea.

So, uh... You okay?

Steve and I had a fight.

Oh.

It just feels like we're not on
the same wavelength anymore.

Is that how it felt when
you and Vicky broke up?

Well, yeah.

Sometimes people in relationships
just go off in different directions.

Yeah, I think that's the
problem with me and Steve.

I mean, when I was on that mountain,
something inside of me changed.

I just realized that I've been with Steve
so long that I was forgetting who I was.

DANNY: Hmm.

Well, maybe you have to...

you know, talk to Steve and try to
make him understand how you're feeling.

You're right.

You know, it's nice having these
talks without being in trouble.

If it'll make you feel any better, I
could ground you for a couple of weeks.

- Ha-ha, ha-ha. You're the best.
- Oh, I am, aren't I?

[GRUNTING]

Well, what do you think?

I think that there should
be an elevator there.

Steve, come on, look around.

Don't you feel exhilarated?
Don't you feel overwhelmed?

Don't you feel anything?

Well, you know, I
feel like a chili dog.

- Forget it.
- Deej, I'm just kidding.

No, but I'm serious.

- What's the problem?
- It's us.

You know, it's like somebody
let the air out of our relationship.

Don't you feel it?

Well...

Well, I'll admit things aren't what
they used to be at the beginning...

but, hey, I was willing
never to bring it up.

Not talking about it is not
gonna make it go away.

There's something
missing between us.

I know.

I was thinking
about that in L.A.

We're not connecting
like we used to, you know?

But, you know, we still have fun.
We get to hang out, talk to each other.

Yeah, but where's the heat? Where's
that passion that we used to have?

I mean, what you're
talking about is a friendship.

It's not a romance.

So, what are you saying,
we should break up?

That's a scary thought.

I know.

It scares me too.

I mean, you're the first
guy that I ever loved.

You know, but climbing this
mountain was really scary.

Until I actually did it.
And then, it was incredible.

[STEVE SIGHING]

I understand, Deej.

I mean, you're
my first love too.

But we can't stay together just
because we're afraid to break up.

Yeah, because if we did, we could both
be missing out on other incredible things.

Yeah, but we'd lose
something incredible too. Us.

No, we'll never lose us.
We'll always be friends.

I hope so.

You're the best
friend I've ever had.

Did we just break up?

Yeah, I think so.

What's next?

I guess we should, um...

We should just head
down and face the world.

But, uh, is it okay if we,
uh, take the trail this time?

[CHUCKLES]

Sure.

Deej, are you coming?

Go ahead. I'll catch up.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I just need a minute.

I'll be okay.

I'll be okay.

[ENGLISH SDH]
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