Go ahead, boys, eat your breakfast.
It's just how you like it, within reach.
My bread is broken.
No, Nicky, it's not
broken. It's a bagel.
If it didn't have a hole
it'd be a hokey puck.
It's broken, look.
Aunt Becky, we've got
a bagel situation here.
I know how to handle this.
Boys, let mama see those bagels.
Thank you. Thank you. All right.
BECKY: One for
you... and one for you.
There you go.
All fixed. What do you think?
Okey-dokey.
Okey-dokey-dokey.
BECKY: There you
go. There you go.
- Very creative.
- Oh, bagels are easy.
Cheerios are hard.
Dad, come on, all I'm asking is for
you to extend my curfew by half an hour.
A measly 30 minutes.
One Mama's Family rerun.
Steph, last month I extended
your curfew by a Baywatch.
What's next, Lonesome Dove?
Steph, give it up. Dad's a rock.
Okay, you win for now.
But don't forget, I'm younger, I'm
stronger and I know where you live.
[DANNY LAUGHS]
- See you later.
STEPH: Bye, Dad.
- Bye.
- Hi, Stephanie.
- Hi, Mr. Tanner.
- Hey, Denise.
Michelle, Denise is here.
I know, I saw her coming.
Here's your lunch. All
your favorites, okay?
Tuna on date-nut bread, a crisp
red apple and a homemade cupcake.
- There you go. Mm-hm.
- Thanks.
What you got?
I haven't looked yet
but the smell's oniony.
Trade you.
Okay.
Denise, I, uh, hope you enjoy the
"Love, Dad" icing on the cupcake.
I always do, ha.
Girls, remember, by the way...
today is parent volunteer
day, so I'll see you guys in a bit.
DENISE: Bye, Mr. Tanner.
MICHELLE: Bye.
DANNY: Bye-bye.
Parent volunteer, huh?
I hope you're not gonna
teach them what you taught us:
"Mildew is a big 'mil-don't.'"
I thought I taught you
a very valuable lesson.
Yeah, to stay home
on parent volunteer day.
All right, class, let's say
hello to our parent volunteer...
Mr. Tanner, Michelle's dad.
[IN UNISON] Hi, Michelle's dad.
Hi, Michelle's class.
Excuse me, is this
Miss Barnes' class?
Teddy. Teddy's here.
You came to the
right place, come on in.
I see some of you
remember Teddy?
I do. He used to live here
but then he moved to Texas.
Howdy. That's how
they say hi in Texas.
Ooh, ooh. Miss Barnes,
could Teddy sit here?
Well, if that's okay with Teddy.
You bet, partner.
I've got to stop talking Texas.
Okay, let settle down now
and pay attention to Mr. Tanner.
Thank you, Miss Barnes. This
is a project that I've thought of...
that I know you guys
are all gonna love.
And I don't mean recess.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Okay, tough classroom.
All right. What I
want you guys to do is
trace a life-size drawing
of your best friend.
Just like I did. This is
my best friend, Joey.
That's how he looks
before breakfast.
He's not a morning person.
No, that's true.
What I want you guys to do
is trace your best friend, okay?
Color it in and then tell us all the story
about why that person is your best friend.
Okay, we've got paper
and supplies for all of you.
I got back just in time,
you could trace me.
Hey, I'm her best
friend, she's tracing me.
Michelle, you've
got to pick one of us.
That's not a pelican, he just
has a big mouth, ha-ha-ha.
Uh, Jess, I'm sorry we're late. I
had to pick up Roxy at the airport.
Oh, airport pick up. This
relationship is getting serious, huh?
Well, we'd have been here sooner, but I
couldn't get Joey off the moving sidewalk.
Hey, it's fun going the
wrong way. Ha-ha-ha.
Rox, I was reading that
you have a gig this weekend.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you plug it on the show?
Hey, that's great, as long
as you guys don't mind.
Oh, it's fine with us, but, uh, Roxy,
let me give you a little word of warning.
Better, uh, fasten your seatbelt,
because when Joey and I get going...
things get moving
fast around here.
You know. huh, Joe, huh?
Yeah, don't worry, once the zingers starts
flying I'll shield you with my body, huh?
- Huh? Yeah. Yeah.
- Huh? Huh? Huh?
Ha-ha, you see how we...
- Right off to top of our...
- It's, uh, dangerous. All right, um...
- sit down here. Give her a seat.
- Here you go.
Okay, Roxy, now
brace yourself...
because we're on
in three, two, one:
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
MAN [SINGING ON SPEAKERS]:
Rush-Hour Renegades
Coming at you
All right, San Francisco, we're
the Rush-Hour Renegades...
Jessie and Joey, live, we're the
double R with the H in the middle...
and the little hand is on my
thigh. Joey, what are you doing?
Whoa, sorry, Jess. Ha-ha.
We're a little cramped in here, because
we have a very special guest, Roxy Martin.
She's a standup comic,
she's cute, she's funny...
and she just happens
to be my girlfriend.
Well, two at three ain't bad.
Hi, San Francisco, hope you all come and
see me at the Giggle Garage this weekend.
I'll be there giggling every night
except Friday, that's my hockey night.
Uh, Roxy, you like
hockey, don't you?
I do prefer something
a little less bloody...
like open a heart
surgery, ha-ha.
- Ha, that's true. And
I knew this doctor...
JOEY: I know exactly
what you're saying.
I had a game last week, I lost four teeth
and that was during the national anthem.
[LAUGHING]
Speaking of the national
anthem, Roseanne Barr sang...
ROXY: Oh, man, it's
really amazing, you know.
What other profession
lets you fight on the job?
I know exactly
what you are saying.
Can you see two
accountants dooking it out...
because someone
forgot to carry the four?
You know, there's
fighting in other sports too.
Hey, guys, guys, there's fighting in
other sports too, you know, like, um...
uh...
boxing.
Oh, my dad was a boxer,
but, well, he wasn't very good.
He fought under the name
"Kid Hit Me And I'll Fall."
Yeah, I think I read about
him, he never made it to the ring.
He got punched out
by the peanut vendor.
[MOUTHING]
Oh, boy, and on that note...
it's time to check in with
Jesse in traffic. Jess?
It's rush hour, you're stuck.
Come on, Michelle,
we gotta do the project.
DENISE: Who you gonna trace?
Okay, okay. Let's see.
Teddy was my old best friend.
That's right. Trace away.
But Denise is my
new best friend.
And "new" means
"now" so move it, Tex.
No, old means first,
new means second.
I'm in, you're out. Excuse me.
Guys, guys, I like you
both. How do I decide?
I'll give you my bolo
tie that I got in Texas.
This is neat.
Well, uh. you could
have my scrunchie.
- Cool.
- Oh, yeah.
I got Snickles.
I like Snickles.
There's only one left.
Green, I don't know,
red's my favorite.
Denise, do you
have anything better?
All I have is my Princess
Jasmine pencil case.
That will go great
with my Abu eraser.
Who said you could have this?
Well, don't you wanna
be my best friend?
Not if you take all my stuff.
If Teddy wants to
give you all his stuff...
good for him.
I don't want to.
I love that tie.
And it looks really
good on you too.
You think so?
Give me back my tie.
And I want my scrunchie back.
Snickle.
Wait a minute, now who's
gonna be my best friend?
- Not me.
- Not me.
You know, I like green Snickles.
I'm your man.
How did that happen?
[COMET WHINES]
Which bring us to
point number 57...
Steph, exactly how
many points are there?
As many as it takes to get
you to extend my curfew.
Now, the maturity factor...
I have here a signed affidavit from a
cashier at Sizzler who called me ma'am.
- Dad?
- Not now, Michelle.
He's starting to weaken.
I'm sorry, Steph, no sale,
your curfew remains the same.
- Ugh, thanks a lot, Michelle.
- It's not her fault.
I know, but if I get mad at you,
my curfew will be before hers.
Hey, honey, what's up?
I can't do my
best friend project.
- Why not?
- Because I don't have a best friend.
That was a key
element. What happened?
Well, everything would have
been fine if Teddy had red Snickles.
What are red Snickles
have to do with it?
More importantly, what
exactly is a Snickle?
I tried to be fair to pick the
best friend with the best stuff.
Teddy gave me his tie and
Denise gave me her scrunchie.
Is a scrunchie like a Snickle?
Dad, stay with me.
I'm trying to. I'm trying
to get a handle on this.
But it sounds to me like you were making
people give you weird sounding stuff...
to try to get them to
be your best friend.
I didn't make them,
they wanted to.
Then they got mad at me.
Maybe you should apologize
to Teddy and Denise.
- I can't believe you are on their side.
- It's not that I'm on their side, honey.
It's sounds like you are trying to
take advantage of the situation.
I think maybe you
should say you're sorry.
Do I have to?
No, I'm not gonna
force you apologize.
I think you're old enough
to decide for yourself.
Good, I decide not to.
Should have seen that coming.
Says that's not a hat,
it's a bad haircut, ha-ha.
- Hi, Steph. STEPH: Hey, Joey.
Roxy, you and Joey were
hysterical on the radio today.
ROXY: Thanks.
You know, Uncle Jesse,
you should have been there.
I was there.
Don't you listen to
the traffic reports?
I'm sorry, Jesse. I guess we
did monopolize the time today.
Yeah, once we got rolling,
we kind of got carried away.
- Hope you didn't mind.
- Oh, come on, me mind?
You think I'm insecure, sitting
there looking at my watch...
while you guys talk for
an hour and 48 minutes?
Look, bottom line
is it was good radio.
Well, that's great, because, you know,
with so many phone calls that we got...
people loving it so much. Maybe
Roxy could join us again tomorrow.
If that's okay with you?
Yeah, fine, oh, sure it's okay.
In fact, you know, it's better
thank okay, it's A-Okay.
Okay, A. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Let’s go write some
bits for tomorrow.
JESSE: Oh, yeah, okay.
You, kids, have fun, now.
Don't bother to include me.
Oh, hey, shorty.
- How you feeling?
- I've been better.
Yeah, I know the
feeling. Have a berry.
What do you do when
your friends leave you out?
Traffic reports.
- Huh?
- No, I'm just kidding.
Listen. If you're friends
are leaving you out...
I say, uh, you know,
make new friends.
Hi, honey. Hi, Michelle.
- Hi, hon.
- Hi.
Where do you get a best friend?
Well, I married mine.
[BECKY CHUCKLES]
Great, I'm not even dating yet.
Hey, hey, the berries, the be...
- Great show today, honey.
- Eh.
Joey and Roxy were hilarious.
Well, they weren't hila...
Like "hilarious" hilarious.
Bec, you know what? Why don't
you come on the show tomorrow?
- Why?
- We'll have a few laughs...
you'll plug Wake Up, San Francisco.
Bottom line is, it'll be good radio.
- Well, is it okay with Joey?
- Yeah, it's more than okay, it's A-Okay.
Now, I've got all my stuff back from
you and you got all the stuff back from me.
We just have one more
piece of unfinished business.
Now, you promised
to watch Fists of Fury.
I don't have to watch
it now. We broke up.
We made this deal when
we were going together.
Ha. Oh, great. So I watched
Steel Magnolias for nothing, huh?
D.J., can I trace you
for my school project?
You're supposed to
trace your best friend.
Well, I called everybody in my class
but all the best friends were taken.
So I decided to
ask my best sister.
Well, that's sweet.
And when Stephanie said no...
I decided that you
were my last chance.
So I'm your second-best sister?
No, but I saw
Stephanie first and I...
blew it, didn't I?
Hey, squirt, I'll help you out.
- You will?
- Sure.
Here's the door.
[MICHELLE GRUNTS]
MAN [SINGING ON SPEAKERS]:
Rush-Hour Renegades
Coming at you [ROCK
MUSIC PLAYING]
All right. Hello, San
Francisco. I'm Jesse.
- I'm Joey.
- And we are the Rush-Hour Renegades.
You're stuck, set that cruise
control to five miles an hour...
put your feet up on
the dashboard and...
[IN A SQUEAKY VOICE] enjoy.
I'd just like to say that we have a
special guest joining us once again...
for the drive home, Roxy Martin.
Hi, everybody, ha-ha.
Yeah, let's not forget
our extra special guest...
my lovely and talented
wife, Rebecca Donaldson...
of Wake Up, San Francisco fame.
- Nice to be here.
- Good, honey. Good.
Ha. Nice to have you both here.
Did I mention that Roxy
will be doing two shows...
Friday and Saturday
night at the Giggle Garage?
JOEY: Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm.
And did I mention
that, uh, Becky's doing...
one show on channel 6
on Monday, Tuesday...
Wednesday, Thursday
and Friday mornings?
[JOEY HUMS]
Uh, speaking of mornings...
Roxy you should see by
dawn's early light, it's pretty scary.
For my own protection,
I shave in the dark.
[ROXY LAUGHING]
That's why your
cheek's in a tourniquet.
Yeah, right, hey, still
speaking of morning...
Beck, what was that funny thing
our kids did yesterday, huh? Tell them.
What funny thing?
The funny thing, the milk
was coming out of their nose.
The milk escapade.
Talk about that.
Oh. No, no, no, that wasn't
yesterday, that was two weeks ago.
Who cares what day it is,
but it was funny, wasn't it?
Actually, it was disgusting
and actually, it was Joey.
Good thing I wasn't
wearing a shirt.
[JOEY CHUCKLING]
Speaking of shirts, how about those guys
who tuck their shirts in their underwear?
Do they think
that's a good look?
Ha-ha. Yeah, why not go all the way
and stick their pants in their socks?
[BECKY LAUGHING]
Back to us, back to us.
Um, Beck, uh, let's talk
more about our kids, huh?
Who's speaking about our kids?
We were talking about our kids.
They say the darnedest
things, don't they?
Well, they do, but I thought
we were talking about tucking.
They were talking about tucking,
we were talking about our kids...
[STUTTERING] and all
the funny, uh, junk they do.
I thought we're all
on the same show.
You know, it's so
hard to tell sometimes.
Uh, we'll be right back
after this brief message...
from the Troll King Smorgasbord.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Located
at under a bridge near you.
[DRUMS b*ating ON SPEAKERS]
Jess, I don't work for the Psychic Network
but I'm sensing competition going on here.
There's no competition
going, I'd just like
to be included in my
own show, that's all.
I asked you before if
you're feeling left out.
I'm not feeling left out.
- Well, what are you feeling?
- I'm feeling not in.
It's my fault. It's your
show and I'm just intruding.
No, Roxy, it's my fault I should have
been more sensitive to my partner.
- No, actually, it's his fault.
- Yeah, actually, it's... My fault, why?
Yes, well, Joey asked you if
there was anything wrong...
why weren't you honest about it?
Because I'm not a
cry-baby. I'm not gonna go:
"Oh, I'm so sorry
I feel left out."
- Not in public anyway.
BECKY: Mm-hm.
I see, a real man doesn't
express his feelings.
I'm not gonna sit
around and tell everybody
that I feel I'm being
rejected and ignored.
I mean, then everyone go,
"Aw," and hug me and everything.
You feel rejected and ignored?
JOEY & ROXY: Aw.
- See, see, I told you, I told you.
Oh, honey, come on, is it so terrible to
have your friends care about your feelings?
[JESSE MURMURS]
Actually, no. You know, I mean, to
be honest with you, it feels kinda nice.
BECKY & JOEY: Aw!
- Not that nice. Not that nice.
All right, class, let's show
Mr. Tanner how our projects turned out.
Who wants to go first?
How about you, Teddy?
Okay, I'll give
you a hand. Great.
This is my new
best friend, Denise.
I like her because she
laughs at all my jokes...
even when they're not funny.
[DENISE LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
- That wasn't funny.
- It was to me.
See?
And Teddy would be my best
friend even if he didn't have Snickles.
Which he always does.
Thank you, Denise, that was
very good. A bit vindictive, but good.
Maybe later you'll explain
to me what a Snickle is?
Okay, Michelle, would
you like to go next?
I guess so.
DANNY: Good. Come on up, honey.
- I'll give you a hand.
- It goes this way.
Oh, it goes this way. Okay?
[CHILDREN LAUGHING]
This is my best friend.
His name is Comet.
You can't have
a dog best friend.
- Why not?
- He has too many legs.
Well, I would have had people
friends but you guys left me.
Because you wanted
my pencil case.
Yeah, greedy, greedy.
Well, I was trying to
be fair, friend leavers.
Dog tracer.
Teddy, Michelle,
Denise, that's enough.
Yeah, that's right.
Kids, you know what...
I think you're missing the
whole spirit of project best friend.
Now, you guys all
like each other. There's
no reason why you
can't all be best friends.
But I thought you could
only have one best friend?
No, that's not true.
Joey used to be my old best friend
and now Jesse's my new best friend.
Now we're all three best friends.
We're kind of like The Three Musketeers.
Except without the swords
and the funny hats and the tights.
Except on dress-up day. Ha.
I'm kidding.
Are you saying that three
people can be best friends?
Yeah, if you wanna be.
Sure. Best friends are people
who like to share things...
and they care about each other.
And they just like
spending fun time together.
Like on dress-up day?
I was kidding.
Okay, let's vote.
Who wants to be best friends?
[CHEERING]
Okay, best friends again.
And we don't have to
give each other anything.
Unless we want to.
[DENISE CHUCKLES]
I got Snickles.
- Do you have red?
- I like green.
Uh, let's put those
away until after school.
Well, Miss Barnes, first can I
just take one quick look at them?
What are these Snickels?
Let me see. Wow.
Sugar, sugar, sugar...
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]