♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed
♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed
♪ And then one day he
was sh**ting at some food
♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude
♪ Oil, that is
♪ Black gold Texas tea
♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire
♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"
♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"
♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly
♪ Hills, that is
♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪
The Beverly Hillbillies.
Everybody in the parlor!
Everybody in the parlor!
Everybody in the parlor!
- What do you suppose she wants?
- Well, it ain't time for victuals.
- Well, let's find out.
- Uncle Jed, it's that time of year.
Maybe she wants
to give us a tonic.
- Maybe. Maybe not.
- I'll bet that's it.
She wants to dose us.
So? Who's afraid of a
little sulfur and molasses?
Me.
Everybody in the parlor!
We's here, Granny.
I suppose you're all wondering
why I asked you here today.
- I ain't.
- Hush up.
As you know, I been a doctor
in the service of mankind
for nigh on to 70 years now.
- That's right, Granny.
- I'll say.
70 years of healing
and giving of myself.
Bringing babies into
the world, setting bones,
mixing medicine, curing
colds, making poultices,
healing warts, rheumatiz, summer
complaints, chilblains, hives.
Folks is mighty
grateful to you, Granny.
Jed, Jethro and Elly May,
I'm giving up my
practice of medicine.
I'm taking in my shingle.
Hot dog! No more
sulfur and molasses.
Granny, how come you
wanna quit doctoring?
Can't tell you, Jed. I
just know I gotta do it.
Well, who's gonna
take care of us?
I thought of that. Sit down.
I may have to go back home,
but I just can't leave you in
this miserable city of Beverly Hills
without one single
trained doctor.
There's more doctors here
than you can shake a stick at.
Hush up!
So I've decided
to train one of you
to carry on the traditions
of the hypocrite's oath.
Well, don't keep
looking at me, Granny.
I decided I don't wanna
be a brain surgeon.
I wanna be a soda jerk.
And I wanna be a vetet... I mean
a veterin... take care of critters.
Your choice is yours to make.
- Thank you, Granny.
- Yeah, thanks, Gran.
And the choice is to learn
doctoring or get took to the woodshed.
- But, Granny...
- Never mind "But, Granny..."
- Mr. Drysdale.
- Hello, Mr. Clampett.
- How do you do, Mr. Clampett?
- Howdy, Miss Jane.
What can I do for you?
Well, it's about Granny
and her doctoring.
- Shh. Not so loud.
- Is Granny practicing again?
Well, no. That's what I
wanna talk to you about.
- She's giving it up.
- Oh, that's a shame.
We're going to miss her stump
water and slippery elm ooze
and all those other
wonderful medicines.
Yes, but after all those years of
service, she does deserve a rest.
Well, that ain't what
she's going home for.
Going home? You
mean back to the hills?
Yeah. She's wanting to
take her share of the money.
Money? She... She can't.
Think of all those millions... of
people out here that need her.
Well, they ain't exactly
been breaking down the door.
Anyway, she wants to go
home and go into research.
- Research?
- Yeah.
She wants to devote the rest of
her life to finding a cure for freckles.
- A cure for what?
- Freckles.
Oh, I reckon that ain't the real reason,
but that's all I could get her to say.
Well, surely something can
be done to keep her here.
I don't know what.
Her mind is set.
Quick as one of the young 'uns
learns enough doctoring to take over,
she's gone.
So I just come over to
give you a little head start
to getting her share
of the money together.
Jethro ciphered it'd
come to about 16 million.
One good thing. I did talk her
out of taking it all home in silver.
- Wonderful.
- She'll settle for gold dust.
If Granny goes,
Mr. Clampett will soon follow.
Research? Freckle cure?
Why could she be going?
If I may offer an
unemotional analysis
based on my first-hand
objective observations...
Just spit it out.
Well, I think this has been brought
on by her having no one to doctor.
- She misses feeling useful and needed.
- Yes, that's probably it.
Well, why didn't
you do something?
Chief, I could hardly be
expected to solicit patients
for an unlicensed granny doctor.
Wait a minute. We
still have a chance.
She would never run
out on a sick friend.
Chief, I could never deceive
Granny with a fake illness.
Who's talking about a fake?
I'm only asking you
to take a mild poison
or break a bone or something.
Look. I could drop
this on your foot.
Isn't your company loyalty
good for one little fracture?
I was even going to
autograph her cast.
Now, pay attention, young 'uns. I
got a lot of doctoring to learn you.
- Here's my patient.
- Good.
In a couple of days
you'll know more medicine
than any of these
city pill-pushers.
Well, how come you ain't
gonna doctor no more?
Don't ask, child. It's a secret. Now
I'm gonna learn you more bandages.
I wish I had a human being to
show you on, instead of old Duke.
You and Jethro would
see some fancy wrappings.
Well, maybe we
can find somebody.
I'm back from the bank.
Get Duke off the bed.
File these, please,
Miss Hathaway.
- Ooh, it's warm in here.
- Oh!
- Better turn up the air conditioning.
- Oh, chief, please, no... no more.
Why not? Don't
tell me you're cold.
I'm freezing. I'm going
to get pneumonia.
Oh, good girl. And when you
do, I know just the doctor for you.
She'll get you
right in, no waiting.
Dr. Clyburn.
What are you running
here? A frozen food locker?
- Hello, Roy.
- Why have you got it so cold, Milburn?
Cold? What makes
you think it's cold?
Well, for one thing that.
- Now, turn it off.
- Oh, all right.
This girl's probably
suffering from exposure.
Get your fee-grabbing hands
off her. She already has a doctor.
All right. Then what did
you get me over here for?
Come into my office.
I remembered last week you were around
trying to raise eight million dollars
for a new charity clinic.
Don't tell me you're
gonna cough up a donation.
You suffer from chronic
constriction of the wallet.
Roy, how would you like all eight
million in one nice neat little check?
All of it?
Well, if you could arrange that,
I might even learn to like you.
Sit down, Roy.
No strings attached?
Well, there's just
one little thread.
Sit down, Roy, sit down.
All right, I'm finished.
Granny, you promised if I did this,
you'd only show 'em one bandage.
It is one bandage. It
starts here and it ends here.
What's it called, Granny?
This is called my
general purpose bandage.
If you ain't sure what's
wrong with your patient,
it generally takes care of it.
- Jethro, get me out of here.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, Jed, please stay here.
I got a lot of bandages to
learn these young 'uns yet.
You can show 'em on Duke.
- Now, unwrap me.
- Oh, all right.
This whole thing is
a bunch of nonsense.
Learning somebody
to take your place
just so you can find
a cure for freckles.
Jed, I gotta do what I gotta do.
Here, young 'uns, grab
hold of this end and yank.
Not too fast.
Last time I unwound
one of these,
Aunt Tillie went spinning
right into the slew.
Are you kidding?
You want me to go up and ask Granny
for advice on how to practice medicine?
Even among witch
doctors she's a quack.
I'm not asking you
to follow the advice.
Just listen to her, make her
feel important and needed.
You've spent too much
time in that cold office.
- You've got frostbite of the brain.
- Roy, she'll go back to the hills.
I would love nothing better.
I've had too many run-ins
with that unlicensed,
untrained, queen of the voodoos.
Goodbye, Milburn.
- Roy, I'm begging you.
- Forget it.
All right.
But I can't forget
the sick and suffering
you're depriving of a bed
in the Clyburn Charity Clinic.
The who Charity Clinic?
If you help me, I can
arrange for Jed Clampett
to donate the entire
eight million you need,
and he won't care what
you name the clinic.
That means it would be
completed one year sooner.
No, no, no. Not with Granny.
No, oh... I'll do it.
Thank you, Roy.
But I'm only doing it so the sick and
needy will get help that much sooner.
Don't think it's so I can call
it the Clyburn Charity Clinic.
Of course, it does
have a nice ring to it.
Jed, please come
back and help me.
I've got a lot to learn
them young 'uns yet.
Granny, once and for all,
I want you to tell the truth
why you're quitting doctoring
and going back to the hills.
Well, I got a lot
of research to do.
And they got everything
I need back there.
You don't give two shucks
about curing freckles.
No, but there's
something I gotta work on.
- What?
- Don't make me tell you.
Granny.
All right. I gotta discover a
cure for a brand-new ailment.
- How come?
- 'Cause.
- I think I got it.
- You do?
It ain't in none of the
books, so I get to name it.
I'm calling it
Granny's Complaint.
How long you had it?
Well, I first noticed it
about 20 years ago,
and I been going
downhill ever since.
You should have said
something. What's the symptoms?
Well, to start off with, my
hearing ain't what it used to be.
And my eyes is getting weaker.
My rheumatism is worse, and
I can't run as fast as I used to.
I get chilled easier,
and my joints are
stiff in the morning.
Granny, all them things
is happening to me too.
- It's catching.
- 'Course it's catching. It's old age.
It's not old age. It's
Granny's Complaint.
I discovered it.
I get to name it.
Call it what you want to, it's
nothing more than getting on in years.
Jed, you've always
had a good head on you,
but leave the diagnosing
to us medical people.
Funny, the last
time I felt like this
was just before they
landed us at Guadalcanal.
How do you do, Mr. Clampett?
Dr. Clyburn, this is a surprise.
I suppose it is. I
came to see Granny.
Oh, well, I don't know.
She ain't in one of
her very best moods,
and at best you two get along about
as good as two dogs and only one bone.
I didn't come to fight with her,
Mr. Clampett. I came to ask her advice.
Yeah, well, I'm afraid that...
- Ask her what?
- I need some... medical advice.
Oh, well, that's
different. I'll tell her.
You better wait out
here until I talk to her.
Sometimes Granny starts sh**ting before
she finds out what flag you're flying.
I thought I heard
you talking out there.
You did, and you will never guess
who's waiting outside to see you.
- Who?
- Dr. Clyburn.
Clyburn!
Oh, he's after me, that
gourd-headed city sawbones.
Keep him out on the porch.
I'll go upstairs and drop
my chest of drawers on him.
No, Granny. He's
here to ask your advice.
In a pig's eye. It's a trick!
No. He's standing out there
humble as a skinny mule.
All right.
But one wrong move out of him and
he's gonna have a nose full of knuckles.
Come in, Dr. Clyburn.
Here's Granny.
- Hello, Granny.
- Howdy.
Now, state your
business. I'm in a hurry.
Granny, I realized this morning
that I have been too hasty
in not taking advantage
of having close at hand
one with such great
experience and knowledge.
Go on.
So I've come over hoping
to spend some time with you
and get some general
medical advice.
The dickens you say.
Did you hear that, Jed?
I got to admire you, Doctor.
What for? He should have
been here four years ago.
Now I ain't got time
to mess with him.
- You don't?
- No. I gotta go back to the hills.
Oh, please don't go, Granny.
This means an awful lot to me.
Well, you are some
kind of a doctor,
and my oath says that I
gotta help you out if I can.
So I guess I can
spare you a little time.
- Thank you, Granny.
- Dr. Granny.
Dr. Granny.
- Just what is it you wanna know?
- I'm not quite sure yet.
All right, I'll see
what you're lacking.
- How do you treat spotted gimple?
- Spotted gimple?
Well, what do you do
with purple drowsies?
What?
How about clitic, bloat, angry
gizzard, drench, the goose-eye?
Perhaps I know them
by their scientific names.
Them is the scientific names.
Maybe you better sort
of start from scratch.
Maybe I'd better.
Well, I ain't got time
for private tutoring.
You'll have to go in the
class with Jethro and Elly May.
Go on upstairs, third door to the
right, and sit in the back of the class.
Where are you
going, Miss Hathaway?
Chief, it's 110 in here.
If you won't let me turn
the heat down, I'm leaving.
Not until your coffee break.
I'm suffering from
heat exhaustion.
Oh, that's awful.
Now, come on, I'll take
you right up to Dr. Granny.
Chief, give up.
You can't get me sick enough
to go to her for treatment.
Why not? Nothing
possibly can happen to you.
Dr. Clyburn is up there.
It's for charity.
Eight million dollars.
It's for charity.
Eight million dollars.
Now we're gonna take up 'natomy.
Eight million dollars.
Pay attention.
About here is your gizzard.
Granny, you know it's agin the law
to set up your still in Beverly Hills.
It's agin the law to
make corn squeezings.
This is my Granny's
Complaint cure.
Granny, I told you,
everybody's gonna have Granny's
Complaint along about age 65.
That's why I ain't taking the
time to go home to find a cure,
in case there's a epidemic.
While you're at it, I found
two more symptoms.
- You have?
- Yeah. Gray hair and wrinkles.
It ain't old age,
I told you that.
And the whole world's gonna
thank me when I find the cure.
Leastways I'm glad you gave up
trying to train the young
'uns to take over for you.
Well, it would've took too
long to learn Elly and Jethro.
- That's right.
- That's why I picked Dr. Clyburn.
What'd he have to say on it?
Well, I was just
about to go tell him.
He's in the kitchen learning to
make my skunk-root dyspepsy potion.
Dr. Clyburn. Roy.
Oh, hello, Granny. Dr. Granny.
- I got some good news for you.
- Good news?
I've been watching you,
and I've decided that you're
the one to take over my practice.
Your practice?
This here is my patient file.
- Take good care of 'em.
- Oh, but I... I...
Don't thank me. Just take it.
You have this many patients?
Well, to tell the truth, I ain't
caught on too well out here.
Jed, Jethro, Elly May.
That's about it.
Granny, why are you doing this?
I suppose I'll have
to tell you. Sit down.
Now, keep this a secret.
- I ain't as well as I look.
- What's wrong with you?
It don't matter.
What matters is, I
got to find a cure for it.
Well, if you tell me about
it, I'm sure I can help you.
Roy, you got talent, but for a
young fella you're awful cocky.
Over that fire out yonder I got
cooking every root, berry, powder, potion
known to medical science.
How are you gonna b*at that?
Well, one thing, have
you tried penicillin?
Penicillin? What's that?
It's a drug. We get
it from bread mold.
Roy, you've got to forget
them home remedies.
It is not a home remedy.
Haven't you heard of
streptomycin, Aureomycin, cortisone?
Roy, you come to me for
advice and I'm giving it to you.
- Forget them quack medicines.
- But I... I... I...
Stick with modern science.
Your stump waters, your
slippery elm ooze, puccoon root,
and them wonder dr*gs like
sassafras and wahoo bark.
All right, Granny,
you know best.
Oh, the dyspepsy medicine!
You done ruined the potion.
I mixed everything
in there you told me.
- I put the lid on the kettle.
- On the kettle? It should be in it.
It's pewter, takes the
bite out of the mixture.
Too late. It's done turned.
Chief, this will never work.
Everyone will know you're faking.
What else am I going
to do? You let me down.
I can't depend on
Clyburn to keep her here.
- Well, I categorically deny that I...
- Don't start that again.
Just drive back and try to round
up some sick people for Granny.
If you have to, hit a
couple of pedestrians.
- I'll get it, Elly.
- Let me get it.
Mr. Drysdale!
What's wrong with you?
I'm not sure.
Is Dr. Granny here?
Well, I think she's out
back. I'll run and fetch her.
Elly, wait a minute.
We know a heap of
doctoring after this morning.
Let's surprise Granny and give
him a little of that there first aid.
But we don't know
what's wrong with him.
Elly, you sure ain't too bright.
It's the perfect time for that
there general purpose bandage.
Don't worry, now, Mr. Drysdale.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Granny, where's Dr. Clyburn? I just
come from the kitchen. He ain't there.
I told him to pack his little
black bag and move along.
I ain't got no more
time to mess with him.
I thought he was the one
gonna take over your practice.
I couldn't trust my family to a
superstitious quack like him.
Why, his favorite
medicine is moldy bread.
Must still be living
in the Dark Ages.
Whatever it is you're cooking
here, it sure is putting out the fumes.
It's my first try at a cure, Jed,
dripping through over yonder.
30 or 40 more batches
and I may have found
what's gonna rid the world
of Granny's Complaint.
Well, even if you don't,
you've hit upon a sure-fire
way of taking the leaves off trees.
What are you going to do
with me? Where's Dr. Granny?
Take it easy, Mr. Drysdale.
You're gonna be just fine.
- All right, now, nurse.
- I ain't your nurse.
Look, I'll be the doctor today.
Tomorrow you can have a turn.
All right, now, I prescribe a great big
dopper of sulfur and molasses for him.
I'll get that. You go on down and
heat up some of that crow soup.
You stay right there,
Mr. Drysdale. We'll be right back.
Oh, howdy Dr. Clyburn. Go on in
and see how we fixed Mr. Drysdale.
You mean Milburn
Drysdale is in there?
Yes, sir. And if you don't
mind, we took the case.
Milburn, do you know
what you got me into?
Don't tell me your troubles.
Look what I've got myself into.
And it's all for nothing. Granny
is not going back to the hills.
- She's not?
- No.
- So that'll be eight million dollars.
- Later.
Help me get out of this
before Granny sees me.
- Now what about my eight million?
- Come on. We'll take your car.
Remember, Jethro,
tomorrow you're the nurse.
Well, why don't we trade
off every other week?
I'm getting to like
this doctoring stuff.
Lookee, Jethro. Dr. Clyburn's
done cured Mr. Drysdale.
What do you mean? That was
my general purpose bandage.
These hands, they
was meant for healing.
I got the gift.
Jed, I got it! Come quick!
Jed, I found the cure!
- Jed!
- What's the matter, Granny?
Jed, I found the cure,
and on the first batch.
I've cured Granny's Complaint.
Granny, there ain't no
cure for Granny's Complaint.
There is now. It took
care of all of my symptoms.
I'm even seeing twice as
good as I ever did before.
- Twice as far?
- Twice as many.
There's two of everything.
I'm even hearing bells I
never did hear ring before.
There ain't no bells ringing.
That's 'cause you ain't
had none of my cure.
The pains have all
gone out of my joints.
Instead of chills, I got a
nice warm feeling all over.
My rheumatiz has
plumb disappeared.
I feel like a young 'un again!
Yahoo!
Too bad.
Come morning she's in for
one humdinger of a relapse.
♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin
♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in
♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality
♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality
♪ Hillbilly, that is
♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪
Y'all come back now, you hear?