05x26 - Super Hawg

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.*
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The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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05x26 - Super Hawg

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was sh**ting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is

♪ Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

Good morning, chief.

What's this I hear about the
children's zoo returning your gift?

Yeah, how about that?

A baby hippopotamus worth thousands
of dollars and they send it back.

- Well, I don't understand.
- Neither do I.

You try to do something nice for
the kids, give them some pleasure,

- a little advice...
- Advice?

Well, I didn't give
them just a plain hippo,

I gave them a hippo
with a message.

Oh, chief, how could you?

Now, what's wrong with that?
Kids don't read enough these days.

But to turn a baby
hippopotamus into a sign board.

It's only water paint.
It washes right off.

That way I can change the
message every few days.

JANE: Uncle Milby?

Well, Milburn Drysdale
is kind of cold and formal.

Uncle Milby's more the real me.

Warm, generous, fun-loving.

"Save your pennies in a
pig or save them in a cup,

but bring them to the Commerce
Bank or I will eat you up!"

Kids love rhymes.

But chief, that's terrible.

Well, maybe I can
think of something better.

No, I mean the whole idea
is thoroughly reprehensible.

What are you talking about?

I'm entitled to get
something for my money.

What money? You got this animal
by foreclosing on a stranded circus.

Well, what's the difference?
The kids would have loved him.

One week we could have
painted nursery rhymes on him,

like "p*ssy cat, p*ssy
cat, where have you went.

To the Commerce
Bank for five percent."

[PHONE RINGING]

Your telephone's ringing.

Oh, keep thinking
of some others.

Maybe the zoo director
will change his mind.

Don't you worry, little
hippo, I'll wash this right off.

Now, Jethro, I don't
want any more arguments.

I want a chicken pen, and I want it
right up against Ms. Drysdale's hedge.

- Ms. Drysdale ain't gonna like it.
- What she don't like she can lump.

If I put the pen up
against the hedge,

some of the
chickens'll slip through

and go to scratching up
Ms. Drysdale's flowers.

Do you think so?

Granny, is you trying to provoke
a scrap with Ms. Drysdale?

Why, Jethro, she's
my next door neighbor.

My dear friend.

A lovely lady.

Well, I just hope
you mean what...

Hey, Granny?

Hey, there's a real
funny-looking critter next door.

Oh? Out in the yard, is she?

I can't see too good, but
it's big and fat and ugly,

and got a mouth like a gator.

That's my dear
friend, all right.

Here, Granny, you look.

Jed! Jed! Jed!

Jed!

Jed! Jed!

Elly, was that your Granny
yelping or one of your critters?

Well, it sounded like Granny.

Jed! Elly May! Jed!

Who is it complains when I
tries to raise chickens in the back?

BOTH: Ms. Drysdale.

And who is it squawks
when I tries to raise a cow?

BOTH: Ms. Drysdale.

And who is it screams
to high heaven

when I try to run
a goat or a sheep?

- Granny, what are you getting at?
- I'm getting at this.

That spiteful woman has
turned her backyard into a hog lot.

A hog lot?

Granny, Ms. Drysdale wouldn't
touch a hog with a ten foot pole.

She's got one now that she better
not try to touch without a ten foot pole.

What you mean?

We raised us some big
porkers back home in the hills.

But this hog makes a razorback
look like a ground squirrel.

Come on, Jed. You
gotta see, come on!

Is that a hog or is that a hog?

- [ROARING]
- That's a hog.

Biggest thing I ever did see.

When you yell
"sooey" at that rascal,

you better not stand
twixt him and the trough.

You know something? I don't
think that's a big hog at all.

Shh! Don't meanmouth him, Elly.

I'd hate to get that hog riled.

- I mean he's something else.
- That's better.

I wonder where Ms.
Drysdale got a hold of him.

Elly, run 'round the
back door and ask her.

Granny, I think this
critter come from Africa.

That must be some
place in Virginny.

- Virginny?
- Yes.

They raise awful big hogs
there. Feed 'em on peanuts.

Well, there's a goober-grabber
if I ever seen one.

A real whopper.

Well, I still say
this ain't no big hog.

What are you
talking about, child?

Why, that rascal is good
for 300 yards of chitlins alone.

[GROWLING]

And would you
look at them jowls.

Take a tub of turnip
greens just to season 'em.

We gonna butcher him, Uncle Jed?

Well, he ain't ours
to butcher, Jethro.

Oh, how I wish he was.

Well, I'm telling you that
critter ain't no butchering hog.

And I'm telling you your daft.

That animal is standing on a
pair of two-hundred pound hams.

And that bacon would
fill a smokehouse.

And look at the size
of them pig's knuckles.

- But, listen...
- Elly, you run ask Ms. Drysdale

where she got
him, like I told you.

And while you’re at it, ask
her could we buy him off her.

- But, Paw...
- Elly May, do as your told.

Time is a wasting.

Uncle Jed, you buy that rascal,

we's gonna be eating high
on the hog sure enough.

High, low and in between.

The first thing I'm gonna do

is send one of them hams
to Lee's Summit, Missouri.

That Willie Marr thinks
she can cure a big ham.

Granny, can't you
just send her a picture?

Why, you'd be giving away
a thousand ham sandwiches.

Jethro, Missouri is
the show-me state.

They got to see
it to believe it.

JED: They could see
this and still not believe it.

Granny, the maid says Ms.
Drysdale's back in Boston.

Do tell.

What about the mister?

Well, he's down to the bank.

Ain't nobody home but the maid

and she don't know
nothing about this critter.

Well, well, nobody's home, huh?

Jethro, instead of a chicken
pen, you make me a hog pen.

- Elly May, you...
- Hog pen?

Granny, you ain't fixing
to bring this critter home?

Well, somebody's
gotta look after him, Jed.

He's wasting away
to skin and bones.

You leave him right there
till I talk to Mr. Drysdale.

Well, suppose he
don't want to sell him.

Well, that's our tough
luck. Come on, everybody.

GRANNY: Giddyap, giddyap.

- Come on.
- Granny, I said leave that hog here.

Jed, I'm doing everything
I can to keep him here.

I'm even sitting on him.

Chief, I just spoke with the
director of the children's zoo.

He absolutely will not permit
bank commercials on his animals.

Then I say no more zoo
commercials on our money.

- Zoo commercials?
- Yes.

Did you ever hear of the Buffalo nickel?
What about the eagle on the quarter?

Chief, you are sick.

You bet I am.

Here's a great chance
to educate our little tots.

Did you tell him my
nursery rhyme idea?

Yes, and he doesn't consider

"p*ssy cat, p*ssy cat, where
have you went," as educational.

What about the second line...

"To the Commerce Bark for five
percent." That's the educational part.

- Chief, give up.
- I will not!

I've got some brilliant
stuff here. Listen to this.

"Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,

had a wife and
couldn't keep her.

Got a loan from Uncle Milby.
Now they always happy will be."

Here's another one.

"Tom, Tom the pauper's son..."

That's the "piper's son."

This kid is a pauper's son
until his old man borrows money

from the Commerce
Bank and strikes it rich.

Oh! Now wait, here's
a good one right here.

"Little Miss Muffet sat on a
tuffet, figuring her interest rate.

Along came a spider and
sat down beside her, and said,

- 'Hey, this Commerce Bank is great. ""
- Oh!

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Wait, wait, wait.

That may be the zoo
director with a change of heart.

Milburn Drysdale speaking.

Oh, hello, Mr. Clampett.
What can I do for you?

Well, Granny has just
got a powerful hankering

for that big fat hog of yours.

[CHUCKLES] Well, I'm sorry,
but she's in Boston for a week.

Don't tell him I'm
hankering for it.

That ain't no way
to make a deal.

I see somebody stuck
you with a sick hog.

- Sick hog?
- Oh, he's in bad shape, Mr. Drysdale.

His bristles have all fell out

- and his tail has come unkinked.
- Granny...

Oh, I grant you he
looks big and fat,

but that's 'cause he's
a wind sucker, all bloat.

Take my word
for it, Mr. Drysdale,

that hog is dying
of the epizootic.

Oh! Granny, you must
mean the hippopotamus.

I mean the epizootic.
I tell you what I'll do.

I'll buy him from you just
for the hide and the tallow.

Mr. Drysdale, I hope
you'll forgive Granny

for trying to shuck you out of
her hog. We'll call you back. Bye.

Granny, I am plumb
ashamed of you.

What do you mean?

It's always open season on
drummers and city slickers.

Not when they're your
next door neighbors.

You have done hurt
Mr. Drysdale to the quick.

I'll bet you he's fit
to bust down and cry.

Granny's dying to buy that
hippo. She thinks it's a big hog.

Chief, whether it's
a hog or a hippo,

- she won't be allowed to keep it.
- Oh, I know that.

Eventually she'll have
to give it to the zoo.

The children's zoo.

And there'll be a little inspirational
message on him for the kiddies.

- Where are you going?
- Sick leave.

- You're not sick.
- If I don't leave, I will be.

Come on, doggone you.

What you doing, Granny?

Oh... Hi, Jed.

Hi, what you doing?

Trying to get my rope
out of the Drysdales' yard.

Must've snagged on
something, like a root or a stump.

Or a hog.

A hog?

Why, yeah, I betcha
that's what happened.

That poor starving critter probably
swallowed the other end of my rope,

thinking it was a big
stalk of sugar cane.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

We got to save him, Jed.
Why don't you call Mr. Drysdale,

see if you can make a deal with
him for that poor sick, miserable beast.

Granny, the other end of this
rope is tied around that hog's neck.

Oh! It's worse than I thought.

He's trying to hang hisself.

Hang hisself?

Yeah, amongst hogs
that's known as suey-cide.

What you been whitewashing?

The... the chicken house.

We ain't got no chicken house.

Well, I guess I wasted my time.

Now, please, Jed,
go call Mr. Drysdale.

I'm gonna untie that hog.

No, Jed, don't go! I'll do it!

Please Jed, don't go!

Wait! Wait, Jed!

Don't touch that hog.

You'll get the epizootic,
sure as sh**ting.

That hog ain't got the
epizootic and you know it.

Well, he's got something
that's about to k*ll him.

- Yeah, you.
- Me?

Well, whatever give
you that crazy notion?

Well, uh, let's say it's the
way you got him whitewashed.

We're gonna wash this hog down
and then you're gonna let him be.

Jed, I can't leave him
here alone and unprotected.

- The wolves might get him.
- Wolves?

You know how
they like little pigs.

I have never seen you
so bound and determined

to get your hands
on a critter. What is it?

Jed, all my life I've
wanted to win first prize

for the biggest ham at the fair.

[SNIFFLES] And Willie
Marr always b*at me out.

I'm an old woman, Jed,
this is my last chance.

If I could just go to my
grave with a blue ribbon,

I'd be the happiest woman alive.

[SOBBING]

[BLOWING NOSE]

Granny, I can understand
you wanting this hog,

but buy him off
Mr. Drysdale fair and square.

All right, Jed, I will.

After all, it's only money.

You can't take it with you.

That's the spirit. Now, what
do you figure is a fair offer?

Well, he's our next door
neighbor and our very dear friend.

How about a dollar
and a quarter?

All right, Jed, I'll
go a dollar thirty.

But for that price he's got to
pull it through the hedge for me.

A dollar thirty?

Granny, that hog'll weigh out
at close to a thousand pounds.

That's all hoof and hide.

Why, dressed, I bet you
he wouldn't go 20 pounds.

I'll be lucky to break even.

Granny, give me my commission.

I went around the
neighborhood like you told me to,

and took orders on 200
dollars worth of hog meat.

Shh! Folks is on the phone.

Pretty good price
for 20 pounds, ain't it?

Well, you wouldn't begrudge a poor
old widow a little profit, would you?

Mr. Drysdale, this
here is Jed Clampett.

Say, would you consider
200 dollars for that hog?

- Two hundred dollars!
- That's a deal, then.

Thief! Widow robber!

Thank you, Mr. Drysdale. Bye.

Granny, you can't
take it with you.

Who's going anywhere?

I'll have to put a lot of sawdust in
my sausage to come out on that deal.

Granny, I told everybody...

You shut your big
200-dollar mouth.

But, Granny, I told everybody
you were gonna come up with

- top grade hickory smoked meat.
- And you're right.

I'm gonna cut me a piece of hickory,
and I'm gonna smoke your meat.

Come on, Harold, we's
getting you away from here.

Let's go.

Hey, Elly, where you
going with Granny's hog?

I'm taking him to the
zoo, 'cause he ain't no hog.

Well, he'd better be a hog.

I done sold 200 dollars'
worth of that rascal

and I ain't even
up to his spareribs.

Well, this critter's what
you call a hippopotamus.

Can you get 200 dollars'
worth of bacon, pork chops

or country sausage
from a hippopotamus?

- No.
- Then this is a hog.

No it ain't, it's a
hippopotamus.

Don't say that, Elly, you're
gonna cost me a fortune.

Look, I'll show you what my commission
comes to on what I sold up 'til now.

Lookee here. 200
dollars' worth of orders.

That's two, naught,
naught, dot, naught, naught.

And I get five percent.
That's dot naught five.

And I put that under the
naught, naught and times it.

Let's see, five
naughts is naught.

Five naughts is naught.
Five naughts is naught.

Five naughts is naught.

Five naughts is naught. Five
two's is one and a naught.

Now I just add that all up
and put down the naught.

Oh, I made me a thousand
dollars' commission.

On 200 dollars worth of orders?

It looks like in the meat
business, the money's in the selling.

[CROAKING]


Hog, I'm gonna get rich
just selling your sausage.

There ain't gonna be no sausages,
'cause this here's a hippopotamus.

It might be a hippopotamus now,

but it's coming out of that
sausage grinder a hog.

- No he ain't!
- Yes, he is!

- Ain't!
- Jethro, drive me down to...

Elly May, that hog
ain't to be played with.

Now, you take him
around back to the trough.

But Granny, this here's
what you call a hippopotamus.

That's a river horse.

He ain't no horse.
Now, do as I told you.

I mean he likes water.

Good, give him all he
wants and a lot of dry corn.

We'll fatten that rascal
up to where he can't move.

[LAUGHS]

Come on, Jethro, drive me
down to Mr. Drysdale's bank.

I got to bargain him
outta that 200-dollar price.

But Uncle Jed
said it was a deal.

I say it ain't.

That city banker and me is
gonna do some hog haggling.

Now get in.

But Granny, Elly'll
take our hog to the zoo.

Elly's gonna take him back
to the trough like I told her.

- But Granny, listen...
- Now, you listen, child.

That hog's hind leg is gonna send
me to my grave a famous woman.

For years they'll be talking about
the Daisy Moses Memorial Ham.

Drive on, Jethro!

Don't you worry, Harold.

Ain't nobody gonna run you
through no sausage grinder.

Hey, I got an idea.

I know one place where
Granny can't get at you.

Come on.

Chief, the owner of
the circus just called.

Oh, good. Did he get the bank
commercial tattooed on my fat lady?

Of course not.

He wants to know if you'll take
a baby elephant off his hands.

No, I won't.

The children's zoo
would love to have it.

They would, eh?

Well, maybe we can
work something out.

Now, let's see...

"A nickel dropped into my trunk'll...
draw five percent from sweet old Uncle."

No, chief, no!

I have told you the children's
zoo will not permit you

to paint bank commercials
on their animals.

Then they don't get the
elephant! No more Mr. Nice Guy!

Chief... chief, listen, please?

It seems that the baby
hippo and the baby elephant

were inseparable companions.

Now the baby elephant is
pining away for his friend.

They should be together.

But how can they be? I just
sold the hippo to the Clampetts.

[LAUGHS] They
think it's a big hog.

Wait a minute.

Maybe I can tell them the
elephant is a long-nosed calf.

Chief!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Can we come in?
- Granny, Jethro, how are you?

How's that big hog?

He's too darn high,
that's how he is.

You hornswoggled
Jed out of 200 dollars

when you sold him that puny hog.

- Puny?
- Speak when you're spoke to.

Now, you and me is gonna
do some hog haggling.

There's no need to, Granny.
You can have him free.

Oh, no.

I came here to haggle
and we is gonna haggle.

Now, you set a price
and I'll make an offer.

And we'll lock
horns and go at it.

Granny, if he's willing...

You listen and learn, boy.

I'll show you how it's done.

All right, let her fly.

- I'll sell you the hog for 50 dollars.
- I'll give you ten.

- Forty.
- Twenty.

- Thirty.
- Forty.

- Forty?
- Fifty, and that's my last offer.

Well, all right. Sold.

Look at him, he don't know
what hit him. [CHUCKLES]

But Granny, he was gonna
sell you the hog for 30 dollars.

Didn't learn a thing, did you.

I'll see if I got 50
dollars in my reticule.

- Might have to carry me for part of it.
- Oh, no problem.

Oh, Granny, as
long as we're dealing,

how would you like
to buy a long-nose calf.

Oh, no. No, chief. You
are not going to sell her that.

- But if she wants it.
- No, I absolutely will not let you.

Jethro, you are now watching the
oldest trick in the haggling business.

You see, she pretending
that she wants the calf,

is supposed to make
me want it all the more.

That's what they call
"chummin' the suckers."

[CACKLES]

Here's your money for the hog.

We'll talk about the
calf some other time,

when your partner ain't around.

- Come on, Jethro.
- I'll be right with you, Granny.

Mr. Drysdale, I'm gonna
open up a big account with you.

I'm making money hand over fist.

- Wonderful.
- How are you doing it, Jethro?

Selling meat on commission.

I made a thousand
dollars already today.

What kind of meat
are you selling?

Hickory smoked ham,
bacon, chops, ribs.

You name it, I got it.

Well, then, put me down for 50
dollars' worth of bacon and ribs.

I'll take 20 dollars' worth.

Hot dog! 50 and 20.

Naught, naught,
fetch down the naught,

five and two, fetch down the
seven, times dot, naught, five.

I done made another 350 dollars.

Jethro, when do we get the meat?

Oh, quick as Granny butchers
that big hog you done sold her.

- What did he say?
- He said, quote,

"Quick as Granny butchers
that big hog you done sold her."

- Unquote.
- I thought that's what he said.

I'd better get Mr. Clampett on the
phone and tell him to stop Granny.

I'll say you'd better. If
anything happens to that hippo,

Uncle Milby will be Uncle Mud.

Children will picket this bank.
Moppets will mob you in the streets.

Their parents will
withdraw their money.

Mm-hm. Well, there's no answer.

You don't suppose those
hillbillies already have...

If they have, you
had better leave town.

My hog is gone! My hog is gone!

Hog nappers! Call the police!

Fetch my g*n! Get up a posse!

Jethro, where's my hog?

- Ain't he at the trough?
- No, he's gone!

Oh, I done been wiped out.

I wanted to die famous.

I betcha Elly done
took the hog to the zoo.

I don't hardly think she'd
do that in her swimming suit.

Swimming suit?

Yeah, she come downstairs
wearing it a while back.

Said she was headed
for the cement pond.

Like the water,
don't you, Harold?

Granny's scared of
it, so we's safe in here.

Aaaah! Elly May's
drowning my hog!

Quick, Jethro, jump
in and pull it out.

Give him
mouth-to-mouth recitation.

[GROWLING]

I ain't getting close to them
jowls till they's on a plate.

He won't drown, Granny.
He likes the water.

He'll shrink! His
hide will pucker!

Get him out of there.

We ain't coming out till you
promise not to butcher Harold.

She done turned him into a pet.

Forget him, Jethro.

By the time he gets out of
the water, he'll be ruined.

There ain't no market
for soggy sausage.

Granny, how's the
hog? Is he all right?

Oh, he's fine, fine. We's
just giving him a bath.

I tell you what, I'll trade
you my big clean hog

even-up for your dirty,
little long-nosed calf.

- It's a deal.
- Chief, both those animals

are going to the children's
zoo, you promised.

Oh, well, all right.

Back to Mr. Nice Guy.

Mr. Drysdale, I don't wanna
shame you in front of nobody,

but that ain't no
long-nosed calf.

Thank you, Granny.

But that zoo sure is
getting a prize-winning hog.

Chief, I just spoke to the
director of the children's zoo,

- and the truck is on its way.
- Fine, fine.

The children are going to be charmed
and delighted by these animals.

They's gonna like these
poems too, Mr. Drysdale.

Poems?

Yeah, he's wrote a
dandy on this critter.

"You can give my trunk a yank if you
bring your folks to the Commerce Bank."

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?

ELLY: This has been a
Filmways presentation.
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