05x30 - The Dahlia Feud

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies". Aired: September 1962 to March 1971.
The Clampetts move to Beverly Hills after striking oil in the Ozarks,
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05x30 - The Dahlia Feud

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Come and listen to my
story 'bout a man named Jed

♪ A poor mountaineer
barely kept his family fed

♪ And then one day he
was sh**ting at some food

♪ And up through the
ground come a-bubbling crude

♪ Oil, that is

♪ Black gold Texas tea

♪ Well, the first thing you
know old Jed's a millionaire

♪ The kinfolk said "Jed,
move away from there"

♪ Said "California's
the place you oughta be"

♪ So they loaded up the
truck and they moved to Beverly

♪ Hills, that is

♪ Swimming pools Movie stars ♪

The Beverly Hillbillies.

♪ Brighten the
corner where you are

♪ Brighten the
corner where you are

Good morning, honey.

Ain't it a beautiful
day to be alive?

Oh, I forgot, you ain't.

Well, you're a pretty thing.

♪ Brighten the
corner where you are

♪ Brighten the
corner where you are

♪ Someone far from harbor
you may guide across the bar

♪ Brighten the corner
where you are ♪

Oh, just what I need
for my root cellar.

This will make a dandy shelf.

The good Lord provides
for the pure at heart.

♪ Bringin' in the sheaves

♪ Bringin' in the sheaves

♪ We will come rejoicin'

♪ Bringin' in the
sheaves Stop thief!

Was you talking to
me, Ms. Drysdale?

You know very well I am.

And I should have known that you were
the thief who's been stealing my lumber.

Now, now, hold on.
I found this board.

Right there at the foot of the
steps, on my own property.

You're not only a
thief, you're a liar.

Now, that ain't a nice thing to
call your next door neighbor,

especially on such a purty day.

It hasn't been a pretty day since
you became my next door neighbor,

you... you peasant!

Ms. Drysdale, I promised Jed I
wouldn't scrap with you no more.

It's like he said, you're
city and I'm country.

- But we are sisters under the skin.
- Hah!

Would you join me in a chorus of
"Love Lifted Me," Sister Drysdale?

Don't be absurd. And we
are not sisters under the skin.

You're commencing
to get under mine.

But I'm offering you
the hand of friendship.

What do you say?

I don't shake hands with
brigands who pilfer my property.

Now, give me my lumber or I'll call
the police and have you thrown in jail.

I hope your writing
all this down.

Sister Drysdale, you done
reviled and persecuted me,

but I forgive you
70 times seven.

And though you covet
what's rightfully mine,

I give it to you
with a glad heart.

Because a kind deed
turneth away wrath,

and pride goeth before a fall.

And her that is slow to
anger is better than the mighty.

For it is written, them that sows
the wind'll reap the whirlwind.

But them that pours the milk of
human kindness into the churn of life...

Oh, shut up and
give me my lumber!

There it is, Paw.

Oh, so you been
cooking again, have you?

Yes, sir. Special just for you.

Well, would you look at that.

Been a long time since
I seen one of these.

Yes, sir, that's a dandy.

What is it?

It's a sponge cake.

And there's a glass
of milk to dunk it in.

Well, doggies, a sponge cake.

Why, it's as light as a feather.

I bet you that rascal'll
really sop up the milk.

Well, it ought to. I
put four sponges in it.

Granny, what happened?
Did you fall in the pond?

I got knocked in the pond.

Elly, go fetch your
Granny a blanket.

- Fetch my g*n.
- What for?

For that big, fat, ornery
daughter of Beelzebub next door.

Now, Granny, you promised
me no more scrapping.

You promised me to abide
in peace with Sister Drysdale.

Please tell him what
happened. Give him a sign.

- Suppose you tell me.
- Eh...

Here you are, Granny.

I said fetch my g*n!

We're feuding with the Drysdales
right down to the last man.

I'll go get Jethro.

Granny, keep this
blanket around you.

You're shaking from a chill.

I'm shaking from
my righteous wrath!

I'm gonna smite that woman

hip, thigh and wishbone!

Now, now...

Her family in the third
and fourth generation

will know the fury
of my vengeance!

Granny, why don't you offer Sister
Drysdale the olive branch of peace?

I offered her the olive branch,

and she give me
six foot of lumber.

I don't care if it
was an accident.

Now, you go over there
and apologize to Granny.

Apologize? I should call the
police and demand an arrest.

I'm not asking you to
go to jail, just apologize.

Her arrest. She stole my lumber.

When are you going to stop siding
with those hillbillies against me?

When you deposit
$67 million in my bank.

That's only money.

I'm your wife... your mate.

For 27 years, I've shared
your bed and board.

Please, not while I'm eating.


Oh, now, now, Margaret.

This whole thing is just
a tempest in a teapot.

Let Granny have the wood.

What's a few lousy
pieces of lumber?

They happen to be
specially-cut redwood planks

to frame in my new dahlia beds.

I'm determined to
win first prize this year.

Okay, okay.

But promise, no more
fighting with Granny.

All right, if she leaves me
alone, I'll leave her alone.

Fair enough.

Well, good luck with
your dahlia, dear.

Oh, I'm not depending on luck.
I've engaged an expert to help me.

- Fine. I hope he's just great.
- He should be.

He charges a
hundred dollars a day.

A hundred dollars a day?

Dear, he's an expert.

Eh, so was Jesse James.

Milburn, he has to recondition
our soil. It's too acid.

Give it a sh*t of bicarbonate.
If you think for one moment

I'm going to...

- Excuse me.
- Oh, come in, Ms. Hathaway.

- Did you bring Mr. Ted?
- Indeed I did.

Who's Mr. Ted?

He's the dahlia expert,
dear. Do tell him...

I'm paying a hundred bucks a day

to some hot house
rosebud named Mr. Ted?

Keep your voice down, chief,
Mr. Ted is very temperamental.

Oh, really? What's he gonna
do, hit me with his purse?

- Shh! Milburn...
- Chief, listen...

You listen, both of you.

Oh, hello, Mr. Ted!

Do come right in.

So, you're the...

- Mr. Ted?
- That's right.

Oh, this is a real honor.

I'm her wife... husband.
Glad to meet you.

Yes, uh, Mrs. Drysdale, I
would very much like to begin

preparing the soil
for your dahlia beds.

If you don't mind.

That's fine, Mr. Ted.

I've brought along some
humus and some bone meal.

If you need any extra
bone meal, I've got it.

Jethro, you seen
your Granny around?

No, sir, Uncle Jed.

Hey, is there any more
of that cake around?

Any more?

Did you eat the
one that was here?

- Yes, sir.
- How was it?

Good, but springy.

When I bit into it, it
kinda fought back.

Funny thing about that cake.

It was light as a
feather going down,

but the more milk I
drink, the heavier it sits.

I think some of the threads
from the flour sack got into it, too.

On your feet, men!

We're marching into
battle against the Drysdales.

- Hot dog!
- Charge!

Now, hold on! Wait
a minute! Come here.

All right, come on.

Let's have it, Granny.

All right, there.

But I ain't
surrendering my sword.

- It was my grandpappy's.
- Okay.

Paw, ain't we gonna
feud the Drysdales?

- No, Elly, we ain't.
- Aw, shucks, Uncle Jed.

We was just gonna capture
'em and fetch 'em back here.

Now why would
we want to do that?

Have you seen their
new upstairs maid?

Now, listen, all of you. I know
that Granny and Ms. Drysdale

- has had a little run-in.
- Run-in?

Why I was mean-mouthed,
board-whopped, and pond-ducked.

I called her "sister." She
called me "thief" and "liar."

I cast my bread upon the waters
and she throwed me in after it.

- Let's go feud 'em!
- Yeah!

Hold on. Hold on.

Jed, we went a feuding for
much less back in the hills.

We ain't back in the hills.

You got to remember that
city folks like Ms. Drysdale

is much more
loose with their talk.

Then somebody
ought to button her lip.

Granny, it just could be that she's
powerful sorry for what she said.

Then why don't she
come over and apologize?

- How about letting her send her maid?
- You hush up.

We all know what a
prideful woman she is.

So Granny, why don't
you meet her halfway?

No, I won't.

- It'd put a star in your crown.
- Nothing doing.

Granny, I know how much
you like hymn-singing.

Now why don't you
let a hymn of happiness

drive the hate from your heart?


I know a dandy.
One of your favorites.

♪ I got the joy, joy, joy, joy

♪ Down in my heart
♪ Down in my heart

♪ Down in my heart

♪ I got a joy, joy, joy, joy

♪ Down in my heart

♪ Down in my heart
today Sing it, sister!

♪ I got a joy, joy, joy, joy

♪ Down in my heart
♪ Down in my heart...

Ten bucks a piece
for dahlia bulbs?

Darling, these are new
and original varieties.

We're going to put a
different variety in each bed.

At these prices, we
should put them in my vault.

I'm to have the
honor of naming them.

- How exciting.
- Isn't it?

I've decided to name one
for Daddy, one for Sonny,

one for myself,

and the fourth for the wonderful
man that made all this possible.

Oh, really.

Yes... Mr. Ted.

Excuse me, chief, you're
wanted on the telephone.

Now, since I'm paying
Mr. Wonderful a hundred bucks a day,

suppose you get him busy.

We're ready for the
groundbreaking ceremonies, Mr. Ted!

Groundbreaking. I'm
the one he's breaking.

Mrs. Drysdale,
I'm terribly sorry,

but my shovel has disappeared.

Well, that's strange.

It was right there beside
those redwood planks.

Wait a minute.

I think I know
where it might be.

Sister Drysdale, I'm
coming to meet you halfway.

My heart is full of
love and forgiveness.

Ah, that Jethro, always
leaving tools strewn about.

But I ain't gonna
let it upset me.

♪ 'Cause I got
joy, joy, joy, joy

♪ Down in my heart
♪ Down in my heart

♪ Down in my heart

- ♪ 'Cause I got...
- Stop thief!

Well, Sister Drysdale.

Come to apologize are you?

You sorry you called me a thief?

Yes, you're no thief,
you're a kleptomaniac.

Well, that's better.

Now, let's join our voices
in a hymn of happiness.

- ♪ Oh, we got joy, joy, joy, joy...
- Give me that shovel!

Now, wait a minute.

- Is it yours?
- No, but I want it. Give it to me.

Oh, please, Sister,
don't lust after my shovel.

Let a song drive the demon
of greed from your heart.

- ♪ Oh, we got joy, joy, joy...
- Give me that!

Sing, Sister, it'll
purify your soul.

♪ Oh, we got joy...

- Granny's coming!
- Did she meet Ms. Drysdale?

- Yes, sir, down by the cement pond...
- It was the song that done it.

- Let's sing her a welcome, young 'uns.
- But, Paw...

♪ She's got the joy, joy,
joy, joy down in her heart

♪ Down in her heart
♪ Down in her heart

♪ She's got the joy, joy, joy...

Granny, what happened?

I got throwed in
the water again.

- Did you sing to her?
- Joy, joy, joy, joy!

And she still throwed you in?

Right in the middle
of the fourth "joy."

Maybe you was singing flat.

Granny, there wasn't
no call to do that.

You just be glad I
ain't got three feet.

I tell you, Milburn, that little
woman is a kleptomaniac.

This time she tried to
steal Mr. Ted's shovel.

With what I'm paying him,
he can afford a new one.

All you ever think of is money.

Can't you understand that compared
to the social graces, money is nothing.

You could be committed
for a statement like that.


Oh, Mr. Clampett. How are you?

I'm fine, thank you, but I'm
kinda worried about your wife.

Well, frankly, so am I.

She did what?

Threw Granny in the cement pond?

Yes, sir, and I'm afraid she's
gonna dry out real mean.

She's about to swap her
olive branch for a g*n.

I'll see that
Margaret apologizes.

I'll die first!

Granny might arrange that.

'Course, her g*n's only loaded
with rock salt and bacon rind,

but that'll raise
right smart of a welt.

Well, I'll warn Margaret.

I'm not afraid of that
little hillbilly hoodlum.

Mr. Drysdale, I think I
hear Granny coming.

I'll do what I can
to head her off,

but I'm afraid the
fat's in the f*re. Bye.

Well, fats, you're in the f*re.

Milburn, will you stop being
insulting and face the facts?

That woman is a
common thief, a scavenger.

Mrs. Drysdale, I have
apprehended the kleptomaniac.

Elly's chimp.

- Are you sure?
- Caught her red handed.

She was going through the
hedge with another redwood plank

and this dahlia bed marker.

Good work, Margaret. You
confused Granny with this monkey.

Now are you going to apologize?


I'm sorry, dear.

Very funny.

Now you get over there
and tell Granny you're sorry.

I shall never humble myself
before that vicious little harpy.


I ought to put her
across my knee and...

What's this silly thing?

It's a marker for one
of the four dahlia beds.


Yes, she's naming that
particular variety after her father.

Oh, yes. Now, wait a minute.

I've got an idea that just
might appease Granny.

She loves flowers.


Out of my way.

I'm gonna salt her hide
and nail it to the barn door.

Now, Granny.

Join me in a chorus
of "Love Lifted Me."

No more psalms, no more hymns.

I raised my voice and
she lowered the boom.

I walked beside the still
waters and she throwed me in.

Granny, that poor city woman
don't know nothing about feuding.

She's about to get
some on-the-job training.

Well, leastways it won't be
no sneak att*ck, I warned 'em.

I hear you digging in there, but
trenches ain't gonna save you.

I'm gonna count to three
and open f*re. One, two, three!

That one's for the plank.
This one here is for the shovel.

Let go!

Let go of my g*n!

Aaah! Jed!

Young 'uns! Help!

Jed, Jed!


Well, you’re doing better, Granny.
This time you come back dry.

Elly, fetch my jug.

How's your feud coming
with Ms. Drysdale?

Jed, she run in a
hired k*ller on me.

Hired k*ller?

I tell you, Jed, he's
a giant, a Goliath.

He stands nine or ten foot tall
and has the strength of forty mules.

He grabbed my g*n
and bent it double.

You don't need no more of that.

I ain't touched a drop.

Elly, fetch Jethro and
the rest of the g*n.

I need help.

- Yes'm.
- Now, hold on.

You told us to stay out of that.

You said this was twixt
you and Ms. Drysdale.

That was before she run
that Philistine in on me.

I tell you, Jed, he's a Goliath.

I'll fetch my slingshot.

Slingshot? Even my
g*n didn't stop him.

I tell you, Jed, he's so big, that
he can't walk through that door.

Well, then, stay in the house,
and you got nothing to worry about.


How's the feud going, Granny?

Jethro, I need you. Fetch
your g*n and come with me.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Never mind the g*n, boy.

Oh, yeah, that's right, Granny.

I'd rather fight that
upstairs maid hand-to-hand.

You got some eating to do.

Why, hello, hot dog!

If there's one thing I like
better than fighting, it's eating.

You may have to
do a little of both.

Huh? Where we going?

This here is parlor eating, boy.

Don't leave me here
to fight that giant alone.

It's all right, Granny,
here's my slingshot.

Elly, I'm a scrapper,
but I ain't no David.

That goomer is a
good twelve foot tall.

- Show him to me.
- Oh, no, Elly.

I wouldn't go near him alone
without the whole clan around me.

And Jeb Stuart's cavalry.

Granny, you’re gonna spill that.

Yeah, honey, you pour it for me.

I don't want it to eat
through the table.

Thank you.

I don't blame you
for trembling, Granny.

Fella twelve foot
tall'd scare anybody.

Well, maybe he
ain't twelve foot.

But he'll go eight or better.

Well, that's still big
enough to scare you.

Course, maybe eight
is stretching it a mite,

but he's a good six
feet and strong as an ox.

Granny, where you going?

I'll learn that little
runt to bend my g*n.

Milburn, please.

I can't name Daddy's
dahlia after Granny.

You can and you will.

And the other three varieties will be
named for the rest of the Clampetts.

No, no!

Yes, yes!

Either that or Mr. Ted and his
bulbs go back to the hothouse.

It will be a fine
gesture, Mrs. Drysdale,

one that will insure
peace in our time.

No hired hand gonna scare me.

I'll turn that sidepoke
every way but loose.

I'll hit him so hard it'll take
him three days to walk back.

He's digging
graves. Four of 'em.

How's it going, Mr. Ted?

Ah, Mrs. Drysdale, I'm
all ready to put them in.

Are those the markers?

- Yes.
- Ah, good.

And what are the names?

Jed, Jethro, Elly, and Granny.

Oh, yes, Granny.

Is she the little old
lady who sh*t at me?

Yes. We'll put her right here.

Would you like to
help plant them?

- May I?
- Of course.

But remember, they must
be buried with the eyes up.

Are you sure you want
to do this, Mrs. Drysdale?

I'm afraid it's the only
way to end the feud.

No, it ain't.
Please, don't do it!

Not too sweet, little,
innocent Elly May and Jethro.

Nor Jed, neither.
He ain't to blame.

He tried to talk me out of it,
but I wouldn't listen to him.

I'm to blame. Take me
and spare the others.

Throw the dirt on me, I'm
ready to pay for my sins.

One last request,
plant me a mite deeper.

I don't want the chickens
scratching me up.

- Granny!
- What's going on out here?

It's all right, Mr. Drysdale.

I'm crossing over Jordan
with a song on my lips.

♪ I got a joy, joy, joy,
joy down in my heart.

- Get her out of there.
- Yes.

I'm willing to go, Mr. Drysdale,

if you'll just fill in
them other graves.

- Graves?
- Those are flower beds.

Mrs. Drysdale and Mr. Ted
are going to plant dahlias here.

You wouldn't josh a poor
old corpse, would you?

- No.
- Granny, don't be ridiculous.

- Granny, you all right?
- Did you whip the Drysdales?

- And big old Goliath?
- I done better than whip 'em.

I showed 'em the light, put
their feet on the path of peace.

They has done b*at their
swords into plow shares

and planting
flowers in my honor.

Come in you peace-loving dahlia
diggers, and come in a-singing.

♪ I got a joy, joy, joy,
joy Down in my heart

♪ Down in my heart
♪ Down in my heart

♪ I got a joy, joy, joy, joy

♪ Down in my heart

♪ Down in my heart today ♪

♪ Well, now it's time to say
goodbye to Jed and all his kin

♪ They would like to thank
you folks for kindly dropping in

♪ You're all invited back
next week to this locality

♪ To have a heaping
helping of their hospitality

♪ Hillbilly, that is

♪ Set a spell Take
your shoes off ♪

Y'all come back now, you hear?
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