08x05 - To Joey, With Love

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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A widower enlists help to raise his three daughters..
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08x05 - To Joey, With Love

Post by bunniefuu »

All right, Aunt Becky,
prepare to be amazed.

Alex, if you will.

And we say the magic
words, Presto stretcho.

[SQUEALING]

Ta-da.

Our next show will
be in 30 minutes.

Steph, you stretched
my little boy.

Now, how's he gonna
fit in his little bed?

Don't worry, Mommy.

We are still small.

Joey. Someone's here
for your PTA meeting.

Oh, yeah. Who is it?

Well, it's your co-president and
not-so-secret admirer, Mrs. Carruthers.

Oh, I hope she
didn't bring her hands.

Oh, there you are, Joey.

Now, don't you keep me
waiting. My meter's running.

[CHUCKLING]

It's just because you're
so goshdarn irresistible.

Oh, yeah. It's a curse.

Hey, everybody. My search for a
new lead guitarist is about to end.

Check out this ad
I put in the paper.

"Wanted for band: one
down dude with an a*."

Down dude with an a*.
You better be careful...

you could wind up with
a depressed lumberjack.

[CHUCKLES]

I'll just arrange my
shrimp balls over here.

This new band has gotta be
10 times hotter than the Rippers.

I gotta find a guy that
lives for the music.

A guy with real rock
'n' roll in his blood.

Jess, you know, I play guitar.

Well, I'll keep that in mind
for the next family hootenanny.

No, Danny, I need someone
with band experience.

I have experience.
In high school...

I was with a group called
Four Guys Named Danny.

Well, the name was a coincidence,
but we just thought we'd run with it.

Jess, I am one down
dude with an a*, I am.

More like a lanky
loner with a ladle.

Serious. Least you
can do is let me audition.

No, the least I can do
is ignore you completely.

Hey, could somebody get in
here with some snacks please?

And maybe a
tranquilizer g*n, please.

Mrs. Carruthers, the rest of the
executive committee's gonna be here.

Oh, you silly billy. This is
the executive committee.

- You, me and a couple of throw pillows.
- Oh!

Oh, Danny, Danny, I saved you a
seat right over here, in the middle.

There you go, right.

So Mrs. Carruthers, why
exactly did you call this meeting?

Well, A, because of
that pesky flu epidemic...

there is a serious shortage
of substitute teachers.

And B, because I just got a new
outfit, I wanted you to see it. Ta-da.

I think I can help you out.

It zips in the back.

No, I was talking about
the teacher shortage.

When I graduated college,
I got a teaching certificate.

- Is that thing still good?
- Oh, I always renew it.

I figure, if my radio career goes south,
I've got something solid to fall back on.

If you ask me, you've already
got something solid to fall back on.

DANNY: Hey, honey.

Was Miss Alman
back in school today?

No, and we didn't
have a substitute either.

What did you do?
Don't tell me a film strip.

Yup. A real winner.

The Making of Maple Syrup:
From Forest to Flapjack.

Joey, do you know what
wonderful idea just occurred to me?

Mrs. Carruthers, remember,
there is a little one present.

Oh. Well, in that case,
I have got another idea.

You could substitute
teach Michelle's class.

Joey, it would be so cool
if you were our teacher.

Okay, sure, it sounds like you guys
are in a tough spot. I'll give it a sh*t.

This will be so much fun. The only
time we ever laugh at Mrs. Alman...

is when she tucks her
dress in her pantyhose.

This should be interesting. My
daughter being taught by a man...

who has every
Scooby-Doo on tape.

Hey, I'm serious. Teaching
is a huge responsibility.

You know, suddenly I feel useful,
noble. A productive member of society.

Like the guy who looked
at a lollipop and said:

"I could put a hunk of
Tootsie Roll inside this thing."

There's nothing more inspiring than
watching that man walk out of a room.

Hi, everybody.

Am I wrong? Do you think it's
time to spruce up the message...

on the answering machine.
You know, I'm thinking reggae.

[PLAYING GUITAR]

[SINGING REGGAE SONG]

Dad, if that's gonna be on our
answering machine, I'd be moving, man.

If I don't let you audition...

how long is this
nonsense gonna go on?

Pretty much night
and day. Flamenco.

[PLAYING GUITAR]

Uncle Jesse, please
give him the audition.

Stop the insanity.

Stop, stop, stop.

All right, audition, 5:00
tomorrow. Be there.

I practice all night,
man. Thank you.

[GUITAR CONTINUES PLAYING]

[BELL RINGS]

Really? Joey's
teaching our class today?

Yup. Get ready for
funny voices, great jokes...

oh, one warning,
don't pull his finger.

My sides are aching just
thinking about the hilarity to come.

Oh, and remember, when Joey's
goofing around, don't drink anything.

- How come?
- You'll be laughing so hard...

it'll come out of your nose.

That sounds gross. I love it.

[HOMEWOOD CLEARS THROAT]

Class, your teacher
today is Mr. Gladstone.

- Let's all say good morning.
ALL: Good morning, Mr. Gladstone.

Well, good morning, everybody.

I want everyone to be on
their best behavior today.

Oh, I will be. I
mean, they will be.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Kids, that was not
supposed to be funny.

Well, I guess I'll
head to my office...

and take another quick look
at your teaching certificate.

Okay, kids, now, let's get down to
the business of learning, shall we?

[LAUGHING]

That's funny. Joey's
pretending to be serious.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, come on, I am being serious.
We got a lot of ground to cover today...

so let's start by opening our
science books to chapter four.

[IMITATING BULLWINKLE] Rock,
watch me pull chapter four out of my hat.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Come on, let's all
calm down now, okay?

Hey, Joey, do Porky Pig.

Uh...

Michelle, first off, at
school it's Mr. Gladstone.

And I'm not doing Porky Pig.

ALL [CHANTING]:
Porky, Porky, Porky.

That's enough.

- Porky, Porky, Porky.
- That's enough.

Let's all settle down.
Time out, okay?

[ALL CONTINUE CHANTING]

All right. All right, that's it.

Now, the next person
who makes one peep...

is going to the
principal's office.

Come on, Joey, lighten up.

[ALL GASPING]

- Michelle.
- What? I didn't peep.

Don't worry, I'm sure it
was just an empty thr*at.

Now, Michelle, you heard me.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to send
you to Mrs. Homewood's office.

- Me?
- Yes, you. Now.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Gladstone.
I thought you were my friend.

[GUITAR PLAYING]

[PANTING]

[WHIMPERING]

Comet. That's very
rude. I wasn't finished yet.

[WHIMPERS]

Joey, why the sad face?

What happened? One of the
big kids take your milk money?

Well, yeah.

But I'm over that.

I gotta be the world's
worst substitute teacher.

I'm sure you're not the worst.

Do I get a vote?

Michelle, that's not very nice.

He sent me to the
principal's office.

Joey, that's not very nice.

Danny, the whole
class was out of control.

I said the next person who
talks goes to the principal's office.

That next person
happened to be Michelle.

- Is that true?
- Well, part of it.

Which part?

The part Joey said.

Well, if that's the case, I
think Joey did the right thing.

You ought to go in your
room and think about it.

Boy, you give a guy a tie and a
book with the answers in the back...

and he forgets
who his friends are.

[GUITARS PLAYING]

Wow, how do you divide 10
hot looking guys by three girls?

Simple. Five for
D.J., five for me...

and zipola for
Little Miss Get Real.

This is amazing. Uncle Jesse
puts an ad in the paper for one day...

and this place is packed.

So how come I run a
personal ad for a month...

and don't get a single response?

Next time, leave
your picture out.

All right, there you go. Okay,
guys, who wants ice cream?

Let me rephrase that. Who
wants ice cream but can't read yet?

All right, how about this: Wants
ice cream, can't read, no tattoos.

We have two winners.

[CHEERING]

All right, let's get some ice
cream. What kind do you want?

Chocolate or vanilla?

[MUMBLING]

"Badella"? Okay.

Hey, D.J. Is it time
for my audition yet?

Dad, I told you before, Uncle
Jesse said 5:00, no earlier.

I know, I know. I just thought
maybe there'd be some cancellations.

Or arrests.

All right, thanks, pal.
All right, who's next?

First up is Crash,
then Scuzz, then Scab.

Scuzz, Scab. Maybe I need a
tough rock 'n' roll name like that, huh?

Oh, hey, I got a great one,
how about Soap Scum?

No, I think that's too tough.

How about Mildew?

That's vicious.

[GUITAR PLAYING]

All right, thank you,
Splinter, that's enough.

Thank you, Splinter. I
got it, Splinter. Thanks.

Right. Thank you, Splinter.

And we thank you.

- Splinter, have a nice day.
- What?

Thank you, right up the stairs.

Okay, don't call us.

How come there's never a
power failure when you need one?

Honey, they've all been bad...

but nobody could be
worse than Splinter.

Here's Mildew.

You were saying?

All right, Danny. Plug into the
amp, turn it down a little bit...

and you got 15
seconds starting now.

Okay, I've been practicing
really hard. Here goes nothing.

[PLAYING GUITAR]

Danny, that was k*ller.

All these years working with you,
who knew you actually had talent?

I mean on the guitar.

So you're saying I'm a lot hotter
and hipper than you thought I was?

A little.

And how about you, brother
man. What do you think?

Well, brother man, you were...

very good. It's...
It was... Good.

Listen, let me just go over
a few of the notes here...

on some of the other players...

- and we'll get back to you.
- You just, you take your time.

Mildew's gonna chill.

Jess, you got to admit it,
Danny's the best one you've seen.

I hate to admit it, you're right,
he is the best one we've seen.

But the thought of Danny
Tanner in my band...

it just doesn't jive. You know?

He just doesn't have the right image.
He's just not rock 'n' roll. He's more...

Spic and Span.

I know, if you're gonna be fair,
you have to give the job to Danny.

I don't wanna be
fair, I wanna be cool.

Wait, there's one more.

- Thanks, D.J.
- You remembered my name.

Yeah, it's a great name.

You think so? It's
only two letters.

Yeah, but if I tattoo it on my arm,
it probably won't hurt that much.


Well, you've already
passed the pre-interview.

- Oh, sorry. Guys, this is Viper.
- Hey.

Hey, I'm her father, Mildew.
You can tattoo that on your...

Hey! Ho, ho! Whoa, whoa!

Listen, Mildew,
just wait over there.

Viper, you can plug into the
freshly scrubbed amp here...

and let's see what you got.

[GUITAR PLAYING]

All right, man, you got
some pretty juicy chops there.

Funny, I said that to
the butcher this morning.

The point is, that
was pretty incredible.

- Thanks.
- Congratulations, Viper.

- You got the gig.
- Thank you.

- Yeah, congratulations.
- Oh, Mildew, Mildew, Mildew.

Listen, you got some
pretty juicy chops yourself.

Yeah, I know. They're
marinating in the refrigerator.

No, I'm serious, I'm serious.
You were very impressive.

If Viper hadn't come down
here and blown us all away...

I can safely say this now, I
would have offered you the gig.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

Wow.

Jess, just thinking
that you'd...

think I was good enough
for your band, means a lot.

Ain't no thing.

I hear you, brother man.

It would have
been a lot of fun...

- just gigging on the road together.
- Oh, yeah.

- Sitting on that bus.
- Mm-hm.

Just looking out the window together
watching the old highway go by.

Yeah.

- Playing license plate bingo.
- Hmm.

Sharing a nut log.

Yeah, it's gonna be tough,
but I'm gonna have to get over it.

- Thanks.
- Mildew, ladies and gentleman, Mildew.

Mildew.

Thank you for being born.

[GIGGLING]

Uh-oh. Look who's
back, Mr. Madstone.

Don't provoke him. Let's
just straighten up and fly right.

Even better, let's give
him the silent treatment.

All right, everyone, well,
let's get started, shall we?

And by the way, it's really nice
to see all of your bright, shiny...

smiling faces again today.

Okay, how about
a little geography.

Why don't we go over
some state capitals.

Um, let's start with California.

The state capital of
California is? Anyone?

Okay, I'll give
you a little hint.

It starts with Sac and
ends with Ramento.

Of course, it's right here
near the Sacramento airport.

Gosh, that map's on a roll.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, hey, well, now that's a lot
better than the silent treatment.

If you thought that was funny...

then you're gonna love this
impression I've been working on.

It's brand new and it's called the
First Astronaut on the Face of the Sun.

Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ouch! Ooh! Ow!

Come on, you guys
get up and try it.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[CLEARING THROAT]

Boy, you gotta teach me that.

What is going on
here, Mr. Gladstone?

Well, Mrs. Homewood,
actually, you caught us...

in a rousing round of
spelling tag. Mm-hm.

Derek, you're it.
Conjunctivitis. Go.

C-O-N-J-U...

Mr. Gladstone, may
I see you in the hall?

Now.

I think now would be
a very good time, sure.

LISA: What's going on?

Any sign of blood?

She's wagging her finger at him.

Are her eyebrows
hopping up and down?

Like two angry caterpillars.

She's really mad. Poor Joey.

Gosh, an honest to goodness
dressing down if ever there were one.

It's all our fault.

He's coming.

Did you get fired because of us?

No, actually, I told Mrs. Homewood
that it's just not working out...

so you guys are gonna see a
film strip in about 15 minutes.

[ALL GROANING]

Hey, I'm sorry guys...

but when I tried to be tough and get
down to business, you all hated me.

We didn't hate you. We
just wanted to have fun.

Now we're having fun and you're
not learning anything either...

so that's not working
out. Which is too bad.

Because I was gonna teach you a
lot of neat stuff like, state capitals...

long division, how to
suck an egg into a bottle.

- Did I hear long division?
- Derek, be quiet.

We wanna see that
egg sucking thing.

I don't think so, guys.

Joey, don't quit.
It's all my fault.

Oh, Michelle, it's
not your fault, it's me.

I'm just not a
very good teacher.

We never gave you a
chance, especially me.

You're so funny, I forget that
sometimes you have to be serious.

Well, thanks for
understanding, Michelle.

So couldn't we start all over?

I don't know.

MICHELLE: Hey, everybody.
Don't we want Joey...?

I mean, Mr. Gladstone
to be our teacher?

ALL: Yeah.

Oh, come on, now, cut it out.

Please, we'll be
still as statues.

Well, you know, Derek, we
don't have to be still as statues...

we can still have fun and learn
something at the same time.

Like how to suck an egg?

Absolutely. All right, kids.

[IN SILLY VOICE] Come on
up to Dr. Gladstone's laboratory.

I'm your host...

Dr. Gladstone.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Now, some people call
this experiment magic.

But I call it pure science.

There's no way that this
egg can fit into this bottle.

All right, unless I take this piece
of paper and throw it into the bottle.

Now, you just
light it like this.

And be very
careful with fire, kids.

Don't play with it when
your parents aren't around.

It can be very dangerous.
Stick it into the bottle.

Now, we put the egg
on top and watch this.

The fire burns up all the
oxygen, creating a vacuum and...

Pow!

There goes my lunch, kids.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Whoa! Wow!
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